When I first heard about Mail Goggles—the program that forces you to answer math problems during pre-set hours of the night before sending email—I was super excited. I've sent one too many drunk emails in my day. That's a lie, I've probably sent 100 too many drunk emails in my day. Responding to a colleague's email after a party one night, I laid out, in detail, how I talked my way out of a ticket for public urination on the way home. I've invited ex-boyfriends over, responded to Craigslist personals ads and once even quit a job via a drunken email. While that last one probably needed to happen, it seemed I'd been waiting for Mail Goggles my entire adult life.
Though I'd trained myself over the past year or so to save anything questionable as a draft until morning, I immediately set about activating Mail Goggles. Well, sort-of immediately. It took me a while, and a few Google searches, to figure out how to do it (it's under Google Labs, by the way). I finally set it up so that I would have to answer intermediate math problems Thursday through Sunday from midnight to 5 a.m.
The first night I came home to Mail Goggles I'd had a few drinks. I whizzed through the five addition and multiplication questions and answered a few boring emails with a few boring responses. A whiskey or three doesn't do much to me these days—except, apparently, enhance my math skills.
The next night I stayed in. I watched TV and ordered pizza. I was writing and talking to my mom on the phone and, of course, answering emails. I had typed out a response to my cousin about a plane ticket and clicked send. A little box popped up with five math problems. I rolled my eyes. I felt like I had when I'd told my friend to not let me eat any more cookies and then I went back for a cookie and she tried to stop me and I was like "What business do you have telling me what to eat?" But, I did this to myself, so I needed to answer the questions, except—FUCK!—I got them wrong.
Apparently, I was much better at math with a little help from my friend Jameson.
Numbers were never my forte. I was in advanced trig in eleventh grade, but that's because I was good at problem solving, not because I was good at math. That trig class was the last time I'd ever really done math beyond halving recipes and calculating tips.
I gave the problems another try and Google told me to have some water and go to sleep. I told Google to fuck off, and saved all my emails as drafts so I could send them first thing in the morning.
Sure, I could have gotten out the calculator, or an old-fashioned pencil and paper, or even typed the problems into the Google search bar for the answers, but I was too mad at myself for getting into this stupid position in the first place. Did I really need my email program to babysit me?
While Mail Goggles will surely be incredibly helpful for many people who like to drink and click, unfortunately it's just a few years too late for me. From now on I'll take responsibility for my own emailing and leave the math practice to the college kids (who probably actually need it).
Let's revisit this subject when they can put a breath-a-lizer on my phone.
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