It's been a couple of Fridays since we solicited expert advice from our non-resident stripper friend, Jocelyn Testes-Harder, the ex-lapdancer of Richmond, Virginny, whose MySpace status mood notes she is "horny." This week, we talk to Jocelyn about the problem that's been bugging us the most: Christmas shopping in today's hectic world...
Jocelyn: This season's supposed to be about fun... and not about spending money.
Scanner Brian: Absolutely. As far as we're concerned, Christmas is all about the holiday spirit-- in our case, gin. Oh, and Santacon. Speaking of not spending any money, did you do the Black Friday sales? Was that you at the Long Island Wal-Mart...?
J: You won't find me at those Black Friday sales until just after the
stores open. I park my van in a handicapped accessible spot, and watch
those first few lucky customers come striding out, smiling over the
purchase of a few limited supply items. I follow them from that parking
lot to wherever they shop next. Most of them head to the mall. Then,
once they've gone inside, I perform a quick smash and grab out of their
parked car. Nothing could be easier! Phil is really going to love his
new 36" HD television!
SB: All right, maybe we should edit that out. We don't want to have to testify. So... we don't think we're going to make it home for Christmas this year and we're worried about shipping...
J: I bought the cutest little UPS girl outfit a few Halloweens ago, and
it's becoming an indispensable part of my holiday routine. Nobody even
notices me when I'm out on my lunch break, hitting up front stoops of
houses for a "pick-up". It's nice when the companies put their logos on
the shipping boxes so you know what you're getting. I hope my three
year old enjoys her new laptop computer!
SB: All right, let's go off the theft tangent for a second. With the economy in the toilet, are you cutting back? Getting some handouts this year?
J: I apply to those programs with falsified information so my kids can get
a few extra gifts out of it. You should see the look on those
volunteers faces when they have to deliver that stuff to our well
furnished townhouse! But this method doesn't allow you to select what
types of toys they bring. So go out earlier in the month and rummage
around in their donation bins at the front of stores, and in office
buildings.
SB: Thanks, Jocelyn. All right, everybody, make sure to check out Jocelyn's website, it's seriously the only thing worth reading besides Nerve. Or the Rod Blago transcripts...
Via Filthy Richmond.
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