What should a parent say to a 4-year-old who wants to know how babies are made?
First, take a deep breath! For a young child, something simple like 'A
mom and a dad make a baby by holding each other in a special way...then
it takes about nine months for the baby to grow inside the mommy,
before it comes out' can do the trick.
You might consider practicing some responses to common questions
with your spouse/partner, or even with a friend or fellow parent, if it
helps decrease your anxiety. Also, think of this not so much as an
early sex talk, but more as an ongoing discussion about development and
life changes. This way the questions about where babies come from and
your children's normal curiosity about genitals is seen more in the
'typical' context of their daily lives.
So a 4-year-old isn't too young to begin learning about sex?
The sooner the better, if you want to build a trusting relationship
around matters that make you a little squeamish. It's best to get over
this discomfort early, and avoid taking your first stab at these
conversations during the adolescent years. The task doesn't get any
easier with a teen. Plus, there is ample research suggesting that early
sex education can help to delay the age of first intercourse and early
pregnancy.
What about bigger sex-related issues such as contraception and AIDs? When do you bring up this stuff?
From a development perspective, most kids will not understand these
concepts in detail until the preteen years. You'll need to base the
timing of these topics on how ready they seem, or how interested they
are. So, consider a more detailed discussion of contraception and AIDS
prevention around 10 or 11. However, if they are starting puberty
early--for example, for girls as young as 8 or 9 (10 to 11 for
boys)--you may need to discuss these issues earlier.
Are there any big "no-nos" when you're talking with your kids?
The main ones have to do with your own reactions. For example, try to
not show embarrassment, shock, or outrage at their questions. Keep a
measured and relaxed tone and receptive stance, no matter what the
material.
Should parents be concerned about what kids see on TV? Love scenes, kissing?
If the TV is the main source for your children's sex education, be
afraid. Be very afraid. Young children are impressionable--so closely
monitor what they are watching. Be proactive--don't let the TV or
movies do the talking for you. On the other hand, you may want to
employ the use of a scene from a show, or a special book to get the
discussion going. For a young child, (4 to 8 years old) It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families
gets rave reviews from parents I've worked with.
As they get older (9 to 12 years old), the next volume in the series is It's Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends.
Anything else to add? Take advantage of teachable
moments. They can happen anywhere--while watching TV together, reading
a book, or even at the park. You don't need to make a speech. Keep it
simple, direct and relevant. Start by asking what your child already
knows. Let your child guide the talk with her questions. Some children
may not ask for information if they think you might be uneasy with it.
Others might test you by asking embarrassing questions. Talk openly,
and let your child know she can ask you about anything. It sets the
stage for healthy communication on difficult topics for the long term.
For instance, teaching the actual names for body parts (in addition
to whatever names your child likes to call her genitals) during bath
times or diaper changes can be a good way to start. Keep in mind that
making up names for body parts may give the idea that there is
something bad about the proper name. Also, be sure to teach your child
which parts are private parts (those covered by a bathing suit). You
may decide to teach your child that interest in genital organs is
healthy and natural but nudity and sexual play in public are not all
right. Also, young children need to learn that no other person,
including even close friends and relatives, may touch private parts.
For more tips and information, parents should check out the parent resource guides on the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Web site and the American Academy of Pediatrics Web site, and the online Mayo Clinic article, "Talking to toddlers and preschoolers about sex." Also, Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask) is a great read.
