The preponderance of repetitive and redundant* websites dedicated to the art of telling other people how to do seemingly simple tasks has been disturbing us for some time.
But then someone pointed out eHow's section on having sex and we had to wonder, "Is eHow trying to get eight-year-olds laid?" Because that's about the only age group that could benefit from Captain Obvious's "How to..."
For example, take a look at the rundown for "How to Take Off her Clothes With Your Teeth." It's not: "1, Open mouth; 2, Bite down on clothes; 3, Pull," but close:
Assess the situation. Are the clothes too troublesome to take off with your teeth or are they just right for your "dental digits?" Buttons are usually difficult to remove unless you are really good at this.
Study the clothes she is wearing. Removing clothes with your teeth is
very much the same as removing them with your hands, except that your
hands are tied behind your back.
Develop a plan. She will find it cute that you are serious about completing your mission.
Take extra care. Tearing her clothing with your teeth is a major
turn-off. If it is soft and delicate, then there is a chance that you
might rip it.
Don't take too long. If she is truly turned on, then she will not
really care that much how you finish taking her clothes off.
And that's one of the more "interesting" and "educational" entries. Here's our favorite: How to Have Sex With the Woman on Top:
1. Get naked with your partner and find a flat, comfortable surface--a nice, soft bed is preferable.
2. The man should lie on his back while the woman gets on her knees and
straddles him. She should face the man to make it easy for kissing and
caressing.
3. Slide the penis into the vagina. The woman can now move up and down,
side to side, or however she wants. She controls the speed and depth of
the intercourse.
Slide the penis into the vagina. How is this helpful at all? Why didn't they just say, "lower the naked vagina onto the naked penis, thrust," the end? Has anyone ever found one of these instructional websites to be useful in any capacity? And do they pay? Because, clearly, that would be an easy living.
*In the sense that since there are already so many of them, we don't need any more.
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