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• Survery Says A Good Percentage of Women Wrong About How Healthy They Are

  A new report from the Associated Press/i-Village/The Offices of Captain Obvious claims that women are generally wrong about how healthy they are and how healthy they look.  Survey says... Read More... Posted May 13 2009, 12:48 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: surveys, health, plastic surgery, obesity, Chicago, iVillage, skinny, health benefits, fat people, illinois, overweight, associated press, body image

• This Week in Gayness: Matt Drudge Does Not Love Gay Sex With Men

  Tony Blair stood up to the Pope on homosexuality. Too bad no one cares what he thinks anymore. Rick Warren tried to rewrite history on Larry King's show the other night. Apparently, he didn't support Prop8 or say all those hateful things. Isn't it nice to finally have an Administration that allows gay couples with children to join the Easter Egg Hunt? Read More... Posted Apr 08 2009, 11:39 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: Barack Obama, homosexuality, larry king, god, aids, the Pope, vanity fair, gay sex, Chicago, discrimination, rupert everett, vermont, this week in gayness, iowa, HIV, gayness, tony blair, north dakota, prop 8, rick warren, graydon carter, headlines we werent expecting, headline, matt drudge

• Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

  O, hai. Have we missed the point of Omegle, the site that lets you talk to strangers without even signing up? We thought it was to have a random chat with no strings, no worrying about what you say, no... nothing? But apparently, like every other aspect of our lives, we are still worse at finding love than everyone else on the planet. Or at least we're worse than this Chicago girl, who thinks she may have found her special someone on Omegle. Read More... Posted Apr 06 2009, 01:18 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: missed connection, wtf, craigslist, chat, Chicago, kansas city, today in wtf, kansas city is in missouri dot com, kansas city missouri, kcmo, omegle, pokemon, chat with strangers, looking for love in all the wrong places, sexy chat

• While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

  Forty million people tuned in to watch Obama's press conference. Yes, but what does it mean? We're not sure what to say about the bank robber who rammed his getaway car into another car, fled, took a bus, taxi, and a ride from his sister, and was finally apprehened at home with a paltry four grand when he was forced to call 9-1-1. It turns out that he'd arrived home to find his roommate dead of an apparent suicide. Oh no! A Three Stooges movie now?! Make it stop... and tell these actors we now officially hate them Read More... Posted Mar 26 2009, 09:08 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: britney spears, angelina jolie, benicio del toro, Barack Obama, GOP, brad pitt, mile high club, Chicago, skype, st. patrick's day, Breakup of the Week, jim carrey, sean penn, calories, burger, robberies, president obama, at&t

• Today in WTF: Guy Won the Lottery Because of His Dildo

  In this recession, one of the biggest recycled stories running in the media is "what are lottery winners up to now, and how do we continue to milk them for sales?" The Des Moines Register figured this out-- one that includes puns, dildos, and $2 million in prize money from decades ago. Did we mention the guy won the lotto because of a giant dildo? No? Then read on. Read More... Posted Mar 17 2009, 05:43 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sex toys, money, Chicago, dildo, recession, iowa, today in wtf, lottery, today in wtf?

• ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

  Thank you, ABC News. Without you, we wouldn't be able to have sex without worrying whether we were "harming" ourselves. We were worried nasal-clearing, spirit-lifting orgasm were the worst thing that could happen to our tired, rundown, useless bodies. Seriously, there is some interesting information in this and a rival USA Today report on how lowering your cholesterol can affect your sex life...  Read More... Posted Mar 09 2009, 04:58 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: drugs, money, abc news, sexual frustration, food, Chicago, sexy time, sex life, good morning america, men and women, usa today, age, losing weight

• Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

  ...for liberals. Because the "Barack Obama is gay" narrative is entirely the work one deranged and entirely unlikeable character, he can only embolden Democrats with his bizarre and unbelievable claims... Read More... Posted Feb 26 2009, 11:28 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 7 comment(s) Filed under: cocaine, sex scandals, Barack Obama, Republican, gay sex, larry sinclair, Chicago, sex scandal, right-wing, real or fake, republican idiots, blow job, tabloid news stories

• Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

  Now we officially want to punch the economy in the vagina (sorry, the vulva). Beloved Chicago label Touch and Go Records is shutting down distribution. [Pitchfork] Even Madonna is co-opting vampire culture. Apparently she wants a role in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. [AfterEllen] Taylor Swift would like you to not picture her naked. And we would like you to not think about a neon-green dildo. [Us] Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We were unaware they were dating. [People] All you men who don't understand why average women are so insecure about our looks: even Dita Von Teese has self-esteem issues. Thank you, society. (It should be noted that moments before we saw this item we were thinking about how terribly beady our eyes looked without eye make-up). [FadedYouth] Read More... Posted Feb 18 2009, 07:17 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: the economy, parents, pictures, dildos, vagina, Los Angeles, madonna, Chicago, naked, vampires, Dita Von Teese, nekkid, bad parents, nakedness, sex crimes, taylor swift, twilight, new moon, the recession, vulva, crazy baby lady, octuplets, nadya suleman, roman polanski, vampire culture, body issues, taylor swift naked, self esteem, touch and go records, madonna to star in new moon, sex case, touch and go records shutting down, record labels shutting down, death threats

• Because Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and We Love You

  Related:  Vintage Video of the Day: Saturday in the Park Posted Feb 13 2009, 04:36 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: valentine's day, Chicago, saturday in the park, saturday, if you leave me now, peter cetera

• Top 10 Worst Places to Live in the U.S.

  In these trying economic times, you can at least be thankful you don't live in one of these ten horrendous U.S. metropolitan areas. Wait, you don't actually live in these places, dear readers, do you? Read More... Posted Feb 11 2009, 10:17 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 11 comment(s) Filed under: crime, guns, florida, michigan, karaoke, michael moore, Chicago, strollerderby, kansas city, detroit, miami, illinois, california, st. louis, cities, pavement, memphis, auto industry bailout, tennesee

• Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

  While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC] Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us] I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People] Read More... Posted Dec 30 2008, 06:51 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, boobs, nerve, marriage, sloppy seconds, weddings, photos, facebook, crime, 2008, Woody Harrelson, scanner emily, tom cruise, katie holmes, pictures, suri cruise, scientology, vagina, celebrities, money, breasts, madonna, emily farris, Chicago, engagements, images, kansas city, nerve.com, murder, areolas, kabbalah, making babies, breastfeeding, pictures of boobs, pictures of breasts, scanner blog, sexy vagina, december 30, pictures of areolas, double homicide, won't you be my neighbor, philanthropy, al capone, mister rogers, areola, gchat, close-ups

• While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

  Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...  Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate. Here's a great robbery story... Read More... Posted Dec 18 2008, 09:01 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: stripper, lindsay lohan, stalker, Wii, Barack Obama, money, psych ward, robbery, country music, Chicago, Nintendo Wii, stealing, crazy people, mindy mccready, stripping, fast food, Chipotle, funeral, stevie wonder, suicidal, rick warren, inauguration, lindsay lohan and samantha ronson

• Serial Killer Husband Has A Lotta Damn Gall...

  Drew Peterson killed two of his wives. As these are only accusations at this point (and barely even that-- the police haven't even charged him with a crime), we could get in a bit of trouble for saying that. But we may have to sacrifice a bit of our own livelihood to wake up this obviously delusional, possible future-victim about to make the biggest mistake of her young life... Read More... Posted Dec 17 2008, 04:34 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: marriage, police, wtf, relationships, scary, crime, OJ Simpson, dumb people, women, marriage proposal, engaged, drew peterson, Chicago, alec baldwin, husbands and wives, murder, illinois, serial killer, murderers, ex-wives

• That's Some Scary Voodoo Sh*t Right There...

  Astrology, religion, tarot cards, a left-wing President, voodoo-- all hoaxes to us. But although we would never fall into this trap set by a black magic healer and his wife, we understand that some people are so desperate to make changes in their lives, that they would even give up their bodies on the off chance it could turn things around... Read More... Posted Dec 15 2008, 02:58 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: religion, stds, scary, Barack Obama, god, health, australia, medicine, left-wing, sexual assault, Chicago, Sydney, sexual abuse, hotel sex, chicago is scary, medical, breakup, voodoo, tarot cards, pickup lines, hoax, black magic, astrology

• When Tina Fey Was "Fat"

  You love Tina Fey now, right? But would you have loved her when she was not really fat but considered fat by Hollywood's standards? According to her and Maureen Dowd, and possibly Steve Martin, maybe not. We haven't received our Vanity Fair in the mail yet, and we'll admit, we just skimmed the online version of Maureen Dowd's profile of the funny lady to find the quote about her famous scar. But the kids over at Daily Intel, who are much more diligent than we are, went through the article and pulled out all the quotes regarding Fey's previous, er, heaviness. And, well, fuck. Read More... Posted Dec 03 2008, 03:23 PM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, new york, nerve, tina fey, 30 rock, saturday night live, fatties, scanner emily, pictures, photographs, fat, vanity fair, Chicago, jenny craig, annie leibovitz, salad, sarah palin, steve martin, liz lemon, b.l.t, weight watchers, fat women, kristie alley, doppelganger, tina fey in chicago, adam mckay, hollywood's standards of fat, fat actress, fat comedians, fat actresses, donuts, rubenesque, 30 rock's liz lemon, daily intel, second city, alec baldwin, breakfast, fat females, tina fey fat, maureen down, when tina fey was fat, tina fey at second city

• When "You May Kiss the Bride" Is the First Kiss Ever It's Apparently "Magical"

  Claudaniel Fabien and Melody La Luz practice what they preach. You see, they are "abstinence educators"  in Chicago (you know, in the public schools) and they have been all kinds of abstinent. The couple married on Saturday. And had their first kiss right about the time the preacher said "You may kiss the bride," because they didn't want to get too close to temptation. So, what was it like to finally lock lips? Read More... Posted Dec 01 2008, 02:47 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: high school, marriage, kissing, sex, Chicago, abstinence, abstinence only education, band camp, Claudaniel "CD" Fabien, Claudaniel Fabien, abstinence educations, calling after sex, chicago public schools, waiting until marriage for sex, married with children, Melody La Luz, temptation, sex in high school, sex in the band room, sex and marriage, sex in the janitor's closet, love and marriage, love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, making out in a practice room, waiting until marriage to kiss, abstinence only, abstinence education, kissing on the first date, practice rooms, abstinence education in public schools, sex on the first date, abstinence only education in chicago public schools, janitor's closet

• Burger King Wants You To Have $100... No, Seriously, Take The Money...

  Burger King is deliberately dropping wallets full of cash all over the country and, unlike the wicked New York City Police Department, they aren't arresting people who are kind enough to pick them up... Read More... Posted Nov 20 2008, 12:50 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: thievery, jobs, florida, money, Chicago, arizona, NYPD, economic stimulus, fast food, burger king, economy

• While You Were Sleeping: Obama's Replacement

  A 22-year-old became the youngest-ever World Series of Poker champ. There will be (yet) another Cheech & Chong movie. Check out this bizarre photo of Stephen Baldwin and Miley Cyrus... is the tattoo we've heard about real?! Read More... Posted Nov 12 2008, 09:56 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: religion, angelina jolie, hannah montana, Barack Obama, congress, marijuana, miley cyrus, movie, Chicago, stephen baldwin, jennifer aniston, illinois, jesse jackson

• Wired Magazine Tracking Real-Time Voter Fraud... So You Know Where To Not Vote

  Pictures of "fraud" are boring... so we went with this one instead. Sue us. Virginia, Georgia, Kentucky, New Mexico, Nevada and other early-voting states are already tilting the election toward Obama... as long as the machines register their votes, of course. Seriously, though, this year we'll be able to watch our votes disappear in real time, thanks to Wired's awesome new interactive map... Read More... Posted Oct 24 2008, 09:42 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: politics, florida, elections, voting, nevada, Chicago, fraud, election 2008, sex acts, vote for obama

• Mom Sent 12,000+ Texts To Her Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend... Then Tried To Blackmail Him

  Yes, we pretty much summed this one up in the headline... but you know there are thousands of these a day and if we're printing it, you know there's a lot of devil in these details... An unnamed Illinois woman is being investigated for harassment, child pornography, and blackmail after her daughter's ex-boyfriend's family contacted the police. Wait till you a) find out what the unnamed woman does for a living and b) how old these kids are... Read More... Posted Oct 08 2008, 11:45 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: police, cops, families, harassment, Chicago, child porn, teenage girls, blackmail, nude photos, sexual harassment, teenage boys, illinois, mothers, sfw, chicago is scary

• Sloppy Seconds: Why is Philadelphia Extra Sunny Today?

  Mister Clean, Mister Clean has died. Rather, House Peters Jr., the first actor to play Mr. Clean is dead at 92. [Yahoo!] Bollywood is on strike! The world really is coming to an end. [Jossip] "Can you say 'yes' instead of 'you betcha?" Number 6 on David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp. [Us] Every once in a while there's architecture (even-book related) that we just don't like. For some reason, this upside-down bookshelf really, really bothers us. [BoingBoing] Read More... Posted Oct 02 2008, 05:44 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: fashion, sloppy seconds, books, dead people, top 10 lists, paul mccartney, Paris, david letterman, marriage proposal, michigan, ebay, fashion week, architecture, Chicago, marraige, the beatles, actors, sarah palin, stella mccartney, mr. clean, sir paul mccartney, nacy shevell, you betcha, house peters jr., dead at 92, mister clean, yes, dead, style, mr. clean is dead, realestate, houses, things we hate, book shelves, co stars, it's always sunny in philadelphia, costars, co-stars

• South African Lovers Pick The Wrong Place To Have Sex

  Everyone remembers the classic sex scene on the train in Risky Business. This South African couple may have seen the movie and misunderstood the actual location of the screen couple in relation to their train... Read More... Posted Sep 29 2008, 09:49 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: cops, dead people, death, public sex, train station, sex, tom cruise, condoms, risky business, train wrecks, Chicago, south africa, prostitute, trains

• You Know Your Wedding Was A Blast When You Were Both Tasered... Twice

  We know it's still technically wedding season, but that doesn't explain why the last week or two has brought us some of the most insane wedding stories since the dawn of time. This time, however, we think we've found the one tale that will stand the test of time... Because, seriously, how could a party this wild not be worth traveling, getting dressed up, and slipping the bride and groom a couple bucks? Read More... Posted Aug 19 2008, 11:48 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: drunk, michigan, court, wedding, Chicago, abuse, spousal, bride and groom arrested, trials, wedding cake, domestic violence, tasered

• Chicago Doctor: "I've Treated Hundreds Of Unconsummated Marriages"

  Dr. Domeena Renshaw, a professor of psychiatry at Loyola University in Illinois, has treated over two hundred unconsummated marriages in her 36 years. That may not seem like much on paper-- unconsummated marriages are believed to account for less than 1% of total marriages, but imagine going, as some couples have, 23 years of sleeping in the same bed without ever once having had sex... Read More... Posted Aug 15 2008, 11:53 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: religion, viagra, marriage, wtf, India, vagina, doctors, wedding, couples, Chicago, sex life, erectile dysfunction

• This Week In Gayness: Man Gets 150 Days For Being Accessory To Gay Murder

  An anti-gay advocate told his viewers to pray for God to rain (water? frogs?) down on Obama's outdoor acceptance speech later this month. Wait, how can someone be both gay and a Mormon? Good luck to you, pal, 'cause that's a rough road yonder.  California Attorney General Jerry Brown, himself a former Governor, may have higher aspirations (again.) Which may or may not be the reason he just made a crucial judgement about gay marriage in the state... Read More... Posted Aug 13 2008, 01:40 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: tila tequila, divorce, gay marriage, 9/11, prison, Chicago, united kingdom, murder, gay pride, trials, gay marriage ban, california, parades, gay divorce, hate crime

• Harry Potter Rock Stars Adorably Nerdtastic

  These Wrockstockers are so endearingly nerdy, we may just marry them in a Wiccan ceremony presided over by Dumbledore and go on to have little Mugwumps for children, but only so long as they haven't picked up any Hogwarts along the way. Seriously, if you live in New York, Green Bay, or Chicago, look out for book dorks rampaging on the countryside this summer... Read More... Posted Jul 01 2008, 02:46 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: hotties, rock and roll, music, nerds, New York City, concerts, nerdiness unrestrained, rock and roll romance, Wisconsin, Chicago, book club, rock star

• Nader Claims Obama Is Talking White, Last Two Supporters Quit

  Obama with Grandpa and Grandma. The fact that Barack Obama is half-white should mean even dumb politicians would know better than to accuse him of "talking white." But that's just what Ralph Nader did, effectively ending his relevance for good... Read More... Posted Jun 26 2008, 10:01 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: Barack Obama, ralph nader, racism, Chicago, speech, african

• Sloppy Seconds: What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

  An album recorded by the band Chicago in 1993 is finally being released. Finally! [CNN] PETA is PETA'd off (sorry, we had to) about that "real girls eat meat" t-shirt Jessica Simpson was sporting, and we actually happened to like. [dListed]  Confession: we didn't vote in the 2000 presidential election (even though we were old enough). Apparently, half of the people in our age group who voted in the primaries this year didn't vote in the 2000 primaries, either. See what happens when young people fail to vote? [MTV]  Read More... Posted Jun 17 2008, 05:57 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sloppy seconds, Disney, julia allison, miley cyrus, voting, Chicago, break ups, las vegas, thrillist, jet blue, jetvegas, pale, anne hathaway, 2000, vegas, scanner emily is pale

• Crush of the Week: Andrew Bird

  We were super excited when we sat down on our friend's toilet this weekend and picked up her copy of Time Out Chicago, only to find that musician Andrew Bird was featured in its cycling issue. Read More... Posted May 27 2008, 05:02 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: crush of the week, bikes, boys on bikes, crushes, Chicago

• I Can't Serve on R. Kelly's Jury Because I Believe I Can Fly

  Is anyone surprised that the judges in R. Kelly's child pornography case had a really, really hard time finding 12 people to sit on the jury? Especially when so many Chicago residents "heart R. Kelly" or support changing the age of consent? Read More... Posted May 15 2008, 04:23 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: R Kelly, Chicago, child porn, trials, sex in the kitchen, jury duty