Scanner

Browse by Tags

• Sloppy Seconds: Giving Vibrators To Teenage Girls

  Michael Lohan can't beat up any celebrities until his parole ends. Mac users, rejoice: a compendium of shortcuts to the rescue. You may be jealous over who Emily Blunt has shacked up with... we'll remain positive by saying he's at least cooler than Michael Buble... Read More... Posted Nov 20 2008, 05:31 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sloppy seconds, sports, vibrators, Christmas, credit, Eva Longoria, fights, hockey, famous people, celebrities, mac, teenage girls, carrie fisher, michael lohan dinah lohan, michael buble, emily blunt, diet, john krasinski

• Merry Christmas... From the KKK?

  What does that look like to you? Read More... Posted Nov 19 2008, 12:43 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: wtf, Christmas, holiday gift guide, holiday, gizmodo, racism, Christian, kkk, america, south

• Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

  Oh, those aren't Sarah Palin's breasts? Well, with all the nude pictures of the Republican veep nominee floating around the Interwebs, you could have fooled us. Read More... Posted Sep 12 2008, 06:01 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: boobs, masturbation, bra, fox, Barack Obama, Christmas, highs and lows, penis, photoshop, breasts, masturbating, ellen degeneres, portia de rossi, lindsay and sam kiss, sam ronson, sarah palin, loud not proud, ellen and portia's wedding, selling out, sarah palin's breasts, linsdsay lohan, penis slide, crackzy cat lady

• Sloppy Seconds: Kim Kardashian's Cheap, Sexy Christmas Underwear Guide

  New York's free newspaper brings us Sexy underwear for every budget (including Scanner Emily's favorite poor-girl's Target line). The Jamaica Observer shares The Single Woman's Guide to Surviving Christmas and New Year's. Click through to get started on that "sexy ritual" ASAP. Kim Kardashian used to pray her boobies would stop growing... while we're still hoping to get ours. Posted Dec 24 2007, 11:57 AM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: boobs, kim kardashian, underwear, Christmas, target, single girls

• Alterna-Santas, Making Christmas a Little Less Special for Kids Everywhere

  For "a country where no two people can order the same coffee drink," Wired brings us a round-up of Alterna-Santas, including the Objectivist Santa, The Athiest Santa and the Parent Appreciation Santa: Let's face it: Santa is kind of a jerk. He swoops in once a year and lays a bunch of presents at your children's feet, and they love him even more than you and Ronald McDonald. Where was Santa when your kid had an ear infection? Sitting around smoking a pipe and drinking Coca-Cola, that's where. Parent Appreciation Santa understands your position, and that's why he shows up not with presents, but with pictures of you slaving away at work, cleaning the house and standing in line at 3 in the freaking morning to get a Wii. "I didn't bring anything," he explains, "but let's open the presents your parents got you, because they love you more than any hairy, polar-dwelling creep could." That sounds about like the Santa we knew and loved.  Wired: Alt.Santas Put the X Back in Xmas Posted Dec 20 2007, 12:30 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: santa, Wii, Christmas, wired, parents

• Video of the Day: "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" and it Freaks Me Out!

  We don't remember a single thing about the animated Christmas special Santa Claus is Comin' To Town, even though it was on the other day and we caught about half of it while we were making dinner. Certainly we don't remember Jessica, the future Mrs. Claus, being such a betty. But the main thing we don't remember? When she up and joined the Carrie Nations. Do "In the Long Run"! Actually, we seeing a few reports that this is a deleted scene that's maybe been put on the web from the DVD or something. Anyone out there watch this special a little more closely than us when it was re-aired by CBS a few weeks ago? Did this trippy number make the cut? [Via Star 102.1 FM -- Knoxville's #1 Station for Demented Christmas Treats] Posted Dec 20 2007, 11:20 AM by Bryan Christian with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: vod, Christmas, beyond the valley of the dolls, santa claus is comin' to town, videos

• Dancing Elves: Curing Holidayitis One Click at a Time

  It's only Wednesday, but with Christmas coming up and the Nerve Holiday Gift Guide filling up Scanner, it feels a little like the Friday before a holiday in elementary school when the teachers would just give us word searches and coloring sheets because they didn't want to do actual work any more than we did. That's why we've spent much of today doing stupid shit, like turning ourselves into dancing elves. P.S. Send tips!  Posted Dec 19 2007, 03:03 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: holidays, Christmas, school, elves

• Video of the Day: BBC Censors "Fairytale of New York"

  20 years after it was released by the Pogues and the late Kristy MacColl, and 3 years after it was voted "Best Christmas Song" by both the BBC and VH1 UK, the Beeb has decided to censor the lyrics of "Fairytale of New York" this holiday season, and they're getting protest letters in by the thousands. If you're as much of a fan of the song as we are, you can probably guess the section that's getting blanked out. We've bolded the offending word here: You scumbag, you maggot you cheap lousy faggot Happy Christmas your arse I pray God It's our last. Actually, this is the part of the song that's getting the press, but we're pretty sure that when they played the section in question on BBC NewsHour just now, they also blanked out the word "slut" in the lyrics that just preceed this one: "You're an old slut on junk / Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed." We sincerely hope that all of sluts and faggots out there will send BBC Broadcasting House an angry letter. Christmas belongs to everyone! Also: let's hope that they never figure out what "Back Door Santa" is actually about.  Posted Dec 18 2007, 10:21 AM by Bryan Christian with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: video, vod, Christmas, Pogues, Fairytale of New York

• Scanner Highs and Lows: Puppies, Babies and Pole Dancing

  It's been a crazy week here at Scanner, what with our new Holiday Gift Guide and Ike Turner dying. Oh, and we drank too much, and offended people, all while finding the time to make remedial flow charts... Read More... Posted Dec 14 2007, 05:06 PM by Emily Farris with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: Christmas, highs and lows, week in review

• Wii Shortage Ruins Christmas for Kids Everywhere

  When you're a kid, there's really nothing better than waiting three months for a present you're positive your parents are getting you for Christmas, staying wide awake all night on the 24th because you're far too excited to sleep, waking your parents up at 5:49 a.m., running down stairs, hitting the floor so hard next to the tree you hurt your leg, and ripping open your brand spakin' new.... rain check?   Posted Dec 14 2007, 03:39 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: Wii, Christmas, presents

• Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

  It does now. Some Republican Congressmen must have been really pissed that their kids couldn't sing Christmas Carols in school, because earlier this week Congress passed a resolution "Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith." While we realize both are important and we do love Christmas for all its Pagan glory, Congress is making it very hard for us to get into the spirit with all this Jesus talk: "Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible.... Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization..." [Christmas is now recognized by Congress?]   Full text of the resolution (approved 372-9 on Tuesday night) after the jump. Read More... Posted Dec 14 2007, 08:23 AM by Emily Farris with | with 9 comment(s) Filed under: religion, santa, republicans, Christmas, say what, christians, congress

• For All Your Anal Expensive Friends: Gold Leaf Pills

  Say there! Got a friend who's a little too proud of their BM's? Sure, we all do. Then write down this number: 24... as in "24 karat feces"! That's right, just take one of these wondrous 24 karat gold leaf pills -- made by Tobias Wong and Ju$t Another Rich Kid, so you know they're quality -- and in no time, your crap will be fabulously flecked with the same material that countless scumbags and innocents have died over for thousands of years. Don't believe us? Well, just take a look at the 24 karat outrage over similar items such as the $2,000 ccPhone and the gold-dipped McDonald's coke spoon. Operators are standing by, so don't let this wondrous advance in fecal technology pass you by! Order today!  Posted Dec 12 2007, 11:18 AM by Bryan Christian with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: poop, Christmas, gold

• Quite Possibly the Best Christmas Gift Ever: The Everlasting Vibrator

  If ever we wanted a (totally unethical?) freebie for being a "writer," this is it: a golden vibrator. We found it at this little boutique in Brooklyn (though it's no longer on their website), and the store's own description makes it so much more fun: The Everlasting Vibrator: Sleek, silent, waterproof, vibrator from JimmyJane. This is decadence distilled. Chill it in the fridge, take it into the pool, even ride your bike in the rain with one in the basket. The vibrator's frequency is tuned to provide a deep, resonant sensation. All vibrators feature an exclusive, patented, replaceable motor system. 5.25" long, 0.67" in diameter. All materials are medical quality, body and dishwasher safe. $ 275.00. That's a whole lotta bang for your buck, especially considering pricier alternatives go for $1,500 or more. Riding it around in the bike basket in the rain is worth, like, $200 alone. Posted Dec 10 2007, 10:33 AM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: vibrators, Christmas

• Quite Possibly the Worst Christmas Gift. Ever.

  This little gift suggestion arrived in our inbox Friday and we're pretty sure it's worse than getting two weeks free AOL from Grandma. Read More... Posted Dec 10 2007, 09:07 AM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: Christmas, equifax, worst gift ever, credit, email

• Tom Selleck, Hubba, Hubba

  We have few vivid memories from when we were very young, but one will never leave us: Mom dancing around the house in her nightgown getting us and little sister (ages 3 and 2 at the time, respectively), to join in her "Tom Selleck, hubba, hubba" chant. Like any good chant, it stuck with us, even into our teens, when we'd watch him on "Friends." Monica would get all crazytown on him but all we could hear was "Tom Selleck, hubba, hubba." So imagine our joy when we found Mr. Hubba Hubba gracing the cover of "God's Gift: Over 100 Studs, Stallions and Dreamboats from the 70s and 80s" in all his moustached glory. The perfect Christmas gift for Mom! And then we opened it and realized we have to buy this book for every woman we know over the age of 35. Well, we didn't buy it yet, and it's too bad because now we can't show you the inside—chock full of heartthrobs like pre-politics Arnold Schwarzenegger, Patrick Swayze, Burt Reynolds, Andy Gibb, and, yes, even Mr. T. And, if we remember correctly The Hoff is on the back cover. How could you not? Posted Dec 07 2007, 09:17 AM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: david hasselhoff, books, Christmas, Burt Reynolds, Patrick Sqayze, andy gibb, moms, arold schwarzenegger, Mr. T., tom selleck, Friends