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• Russian LOLcats

  Kapitan, there was an accident in the research facility! It’s imperative we reach the acid baths… Russian LOLCats is different from LOLCats in the sense that the text added to the cat pics is gibberish. Or, at least, so we've been told. (You think we'd be blogging full-time if we could speak fluent Russian? Damn, we'd just go work for the Mafia at Coney Island.) Anyway, it may not be as instantly hilarious as icanhascheezeburger, but if this kind of demented humor is your thing, read on. Read More... Posted Mar 27 2009, 10:38 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 6 comment(s) Filed under: cats, Christmas, funny, russia, lol cats, communism, lolcats, icanhascheezeburger.com, icanhascheezeburger, russian, cat and rat video

• Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

  We've heard Bon Iver's "Skinny Love" played all over the place for the last six months or so, always thinking we were listening to TV on the Radio. We should know better, considering Kyp Malone of TVOTR used to be our upstairs neighbor. But, apparently living close to coolness does not make one cool. After discovering that the man singing was Justin Vernon we set out to learn one thing: does he have a beard? You fucking bet he does. Read More... Posted Feb 03 2009, 06:37 PM by Emily Farris with | with 5 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, santa, mustache, Lost, bloggers, Christmas, pictures, funny, jezebel, comedians, bobby tisdale, wine, portland oregon, scrubs, emily farris, Prince William, fetishes, beards, nerve.com, bears, naked bloggers, oregon, facial hair, portland, joaquin phoenix, nerve scanner, naked as we came, bearded man of the week, women with facial hair, in good company soundtrack, men with facial hair, sam beam pictures, facial hair on men, the modern metrognome, iron and wine pictures, moustache, the shepherd's dog, the postal service, one man band, beam, iron, sam, pictures of iron and wine, singing in the shower, pictures of sam beam, iron & wine, the shower, garden state soundtrack, facial hair on women, our endless numbered days, metrognome, iron 'n wine, such great heights, sam beam, the creek drank the cradle, wine in the shower, scanner emily loves bearded men, what to listen to in the shower, such great heights not sung by the postal service, iron and wine, boy with a coin, shower, bloggers in pajamas, bloggers don't shower, scanner blog, blogger syndrome, bloggers not showering, objectifying men, fetishizing men, objectify men, fetishizing beards, facial hair fetishes, women who love men with bellies, bearded men with bellies, women who love bearded men, zach galifianakis, women who love bears, loving bears, men who love bears, bellies and beards, santa claus, bearded woman of the week, fake beards, women wearing fake beards, women in beards, bearded women, men wearing fake beards, pictures of women wearing beards, erin dollar, etsy, december 15, pictures of women with beards, girl in portland who makes beards, beards on etsy, beards for women, bon iver, santa's beard, dr. jack shephard, jack shephard, ben linus, skinny love, kyp malone, justin vernon

• We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

  Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did. Read More... Posted Jan 23 2009, 12:01 PM by Emily Farris with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, new york, video, santa, mustache, New York City, bloggers, Christmas, India, pictures, funny, jezebel, comedians, bobby tisdale, wine, portland oregon, scrubs, emily farris, Prince William, fetishes, kansas city, beards, nerve.com, bears, naked bloggers, oregon, facial hair, portland, joaquin phoenix, nerve scanner, naked as we came, bearded man of the week, women with facial hair, in good company soundtrack, men with facial hair, sam beam pictures, facial hair on men, the modern metrognome, iron and wine pictures, moustache, the shepherd's dog, the postal service, one man band, beam, iron, sam, pictures of iron and wine, singing in the shower, pictures of sam beam, iron & wine, the shower, garden state soundtrack, facial hair on women, our endless numbered days, metrognome, iron 'n wine, such great heights, sam beam, the creek drank the cradle, wine in the shower, scanner emily loves bearded men, what to listen to in the shower, such great heights not sung by the postal service, iron and wine, boy with a coin, shower, bloggers in pajamas, bloggers don't shower, scanner blog, blogger syndrome, bloggers not showering, objectifying men, fetishizing men, objectify men, fetishizing beards, facial hair fetishes, women who love men with bellies, bearded men with bellies, women who love bearded men, zach galifianakis, women who love bears, loving bears, men who love bears, bellies and beards, santa claus, bearded woman of the week, fake beards, women wearing fake beards, women in beards, bearded women, men wearing fake beards, pictures of women wearing beards, erin dollar, etsy, december 15, pictures of women with beards, girl in portland who makes beards, beards on etsy, beards for women, santa's beard, 2009, longest beard in the world, spirituality, world's longest beard

• Bearded Man of the Week: Dr. Jack Shephard

  It's pretty obvious to everyone by this point that the LOST producers and writers have no idea what they're talking about. So we're not surprised that two of the producers last night called Dr. Jack Shephard's beard "gross." While we saw the beard in Season 4, it made a re-appearance in Season 5. And since stupid Ben Linus made Jack shave it off last night, we will honor the great beard that was, after the jump.  Read More... Posted Jan 22 2009, 05:43 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, santa, mustache, Lost, bloggers, Christmas, pictures, funny, jezebel, comedians, bobby tisdale, wine, portland oregon, scrubs, emily farris, Prince William, fetishes, beards, nerve.com, bears, naked bloggers, oregon, facial hair, portland, joaquin phoenix, nerve scanner, naked as we came, bearded man of the week, women with facial hair, in good company soundtrack, men with facial hair, sam beam pictures, facial hair on men, the modern metrognome, iron and wine pictures, moustache, the shepherd's dog, the postal service, one man band, beam, iron, sam, pictures of iron and wine, singing in the shower, pictures of sam beam, iron & wine, the shower, garden state soundtrack, facial hair on women, our endless numbered days, metrognome, iron 'n wine, such great heights, sam beam, the creek drank the cradle, wine in the shower, scanner emily loves bearded men, what to listen to in the shower, such great heights not sung by the postal service, iron and wine, boy with a coin, shower, bloggers in pajamas, bloggers don't shower, scanner blog, blogger syndrome, bloggers not showering, objectifying men, fetishizing men, objectify men, fetishizing beards, facial hair fetishes, women who love men with bellies, bearded men with bellies, women who love bearded men, zach galifianakis, women who love bears, loving bears, men who love bears, bellies and beards, santa claus, bearded woman of the week, fake beards, women wearing fake beards, women in beards, bearded women, men wearing fake beards, pictures of women wearing beards, erin dollar, etsy, december 15, pictures of women with beards, girl in portland who makes beards, beards on etsy, beards for women, santa's beard, dr. jack shephard, jack shephard, ben linus

• Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

  So, we're starting to think we should just find a homeless dude to be our boyfriend. Because we're definitely not turned off by this picture of Joaquin Phoenix. In fact—well, never mind... Anyway, that's not why we're posting it. The poor guy fell at a concert last week and after watching the video (after the jump) we want to just scoop him up and hug him. And maybe, just maybe, throw him in a shower to sober him up. But we're keeping the beard! Read More... Posted Jan 22 2009, 02:07 PM by Emily Farris with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, santa, mustache, bloggers, Christmas, pictures, funny, jezebel, comedians, bobby tisdale, wine, portland oregon, scrubs, emily farris, homeless, Prince William, fetishes, beards, nerve.com, bears, naked bloggers, oregon, facial hair, portland, joaquin phoenix, nerve scanner, naked as we came, bearded man of the week, women with facial hair, in good company soundtrack, men with facial hair, sam beam pictures, facial hair on men, the modern metrognome, iron and wine pictures, moustache, the shepherd's dog, the postal service, one man band, beam, iron, sam, pictures of iron and wine, singing in the shower, pictures of sam beam, iron & wine, the shower, garden state soundtrack, facial hair on women, our endless numbered days, metrognome, iron 'n wine, such great heights, sam beam, the creek drank the cradle, wine in the shower, scanner emily loves bearded men, what to listen to in the shower, such great heights not sung by the postal service, iron and wine, boy with a coin, shower, bloggers in pajamas, bloggers don't shower, scanner blog, blogger syndrome, bloggers not showering, objectifying men, fetishizing men, objectify men, fetishizing beards, facial hair fetishes, women who love men with bellies, bearded men with bellies, women who love bearded men, zach galifianakis, women who love bears, loving bears, men who love bears, bellies and beards, santa claus, bearded woman of the week, fake beards, women wearing fake beards, women in beards, bearded women, men wearing fake beards, pictures of women wearing beards, erin dollar, etsy, december 15, pictures of women with beards, girl in portland who makes beards, beards on etsy, beards for women, santa's beard, 2009, january 2

• Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

  Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York. Glorious hairy pictures after the jump... Read More... Posted Jan 15 2009, 06:57 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, new york, santa, mustache, New York City, bloggers, Christmas, pictures, funny, jezebel, comedians, bobby tisdale, wine, portland oregon, scrubs, emily farris, Prince William, fetishes, kansas city, beards, nerve.com, bears, naked bloggers, oregon, facial hair, portland, joaquin phoenix, nerve scanner, naked as we came, bearded man of the week, women with facial hair, in good company soundtrack, men with facial hair, sam beam pictures, facial hair on men, the modern metrognome, iron and wine pictures, moustache, the shepherd's dog, the postal service, one man band, beam, iron, sam, pictures of iron and wine, singing in the shower, pictures of sam beam, iron & wine, the shower, garden state soundtrack, facial hair on women, our endless numbered days, metrognome, iron 'n wine, such great heights, sam beam, the creek drank the cradle, wine in the shower, scanner emily loves bearded men, what to listen to in the shower, such great heights not sung by the postal service, iron and wine, boy with a coin, shower, bloggers in pajamas, bloggers don't shower, scanner blog, blogger syndrome, bloggers not showering, objectifying men, fetishizing men, objectify men, fetishizing beards, facial hair fetishes, women who love men with bellies, bearded men with bellies, women who love bearded men, zach galifianakis, women who love bears, loving bears, men who love bears, bellies and beards, santa claus, bearded woman of the week, fake beards, women wearing fake beards, women in beards, bearded women, men wearing fake beards, pictures of women wearing beards, erin dollar, etsy, december 15, pictures of women with beards, girl in portland who makes beards, beards on etsy, beards for women, santa's beard, 2009, bartenders, january 15

• Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

  We've always like Joaquin Phoenix just fine. We loved him in "Walk the Line" and even, shamefully, in "The Village." But we've never wanted to, you know, shove him into the nearest bathroom stall and rip his clothes of. Well, not until now, anyway. Joaquin grew a beard! Read More... Posted Jan 08 2009, 05:37 PM by Emily Farris with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, santa, mustache, bloggers, Christmas, pictures, funny, jezebel, comedians, bobby tisdale, wine, portland oregon, scrubs, emily farris, Prince William, fetishes, beards, nerve.com, bears, naked bloggers, oregon, facial hair, portland, joaquin phoenix, nerve scanner, naked as we came, bearded man of the week, women with facial hair, in good company soundtrack, men with facial hair, sam beam pictures, facial hair on men, the modern metrognome, iron and wine pictures, moustache, the shepherd's dog, the postal service, one man band, beam, iron, sam, pictures of iron and wine, singing in the shower, pictures of sam beam, iron & wine, the shower, garden state soundtrack, facial hair on women, our endless numbered days, metrognome, iron 'n wine, such great heights, sam beam, the creek drank the cradle, wine in the shower, scanner emily loves bearded men, what to listen to in the shower, such great heights not sung by the postal service, iron and wine, boy with a coin, shower, bloggers in pajamas, bloggers don't shower, scanner blog, blogger syndrome, bloggers not showering, objectifying men, fetishizing men, objectify men, fetishizing beards, facial hair fetishes, women who love men with bellies, bearded men with bellies, women who love bearded men, zach galifianakis, women who love bears, loving bears, men who love bears, bellies and beards, santa claus, bearded woman of the week, fake beards, women wearing fake beards, women in beards, bearded women, men wearing fake beards, pictures of women wearing beards, erin dollar, etsy, december 15, pictures of women with beards, girl in portland who makes beards, beards on etsy, beards for women, santa's beard, 2009, january 2

• Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

  It seems like just last year that we were doing this... Read More... Posted Jan 02 2009, 05:02 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: scanner, new york, dead people, death, holidays, Christmas, highs and lows, scanner emily, hair, presents, pictures, new years, missouri, famous people, the joy of sex, emily farris, getting laid, images, kansas city, teacher sex, scanner highs and lows, whitney houston, dying, funny pictures, scanner blog, 2009, new year's, days off, january 2, new year, i believe that children are the future, hot teacher sex, teach them well and let them lead the way, third-hand smoke

• Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

  Sorry we're a little (okay, a lot) late on the Bearded Man this week. Believe it or not, we had a hard time coming up with one (send bearded men to scanner@nerve.com or straight to Scanner Emily in Kansas City!) until we saw this little headline: "POLL: What Do You Think of Prince William’s New Beard?" Read More... Posted Jan 02 2009, 04:01 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, santa, mustache, bloggers, Christmas, pictures, funny, jezebel, comedians, bobby tisdale, wine, portland oregon, scrubs, emily farris, Prince William, fetishes, beards, nerve.com, bears, naked bloggers, oregon, facial hair, portland, nerve scanner, naked as we came, bearded man of the week, women with facial hair, in good company soundtrack, men with facial hair, sam beam pictures, facial hair on men, the modern metrognome, iron and wine pictures, moustache, the shepherd's dog, the postal service, one man band, beam, iron, sam, pictures of iron and wine, singing in the shower, pictures of sam beam, iron & wine, the shower, garden state soundtrack, facial hair on women, our endless numbered days, metrognome, iron 'n wine, such great heights, sam beam, the creek drank the cradle, wine in the shower, scanner emily loves bearded men, what to listen to in the shower, such great heights not sung by the postal service, iron and wine, boy with a coin, shower, bloggers in pajamas, bloggers don't shower, scanner blog, blogger syndrome, bloggers not showering, objectifying men, fetishizing men, objectify men, fetishizing beards, facial hair fetishes, women who love men with bellies, bearded men with bellies, women who love bearded men, zach galifianakis, women who love bears, loving bears, men who love bears, bellies and beards, santa claus, bearded woman of the week, fake beards, women wearing fake beards, women in beards, bearded women, men wearing fake beards, pictures of women wearing beards, erin dollar, etsy, december 15, pictures of women with beards, girl in portland who makes beards, beards on etsy, beards for women, santa's beard, 2009, january 2

• PapSmeared: The Cyruses Are Married... With Children

  [Image] Posted Dec 29 2008, 06:19 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: high heels, hannah montana, Christmas, miley cyrus, caption this, billy ray cyrus, white trash, boyfriends, Justin Gaston, papsmeared, pap smeared, lycra, family, hot pants, trashy, spandex, miley cyrus's boyfriend, al bundy, peg pundy, married... with children

• Because Yesterday We Watched Eight Episodes of "HOUSE" and Had Just as Many Gin and Tonics

  Related:  Scanner Brian May Not Be Posting Lolcats... Because You Don't Have Enough Lolcats in Your Life, At Least Not Today Posted Dec 26 2008, 09:33 AM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: Christmas, hugh laurie, lol cats, house, lolcats, hendrick's gin, gin, house on christmas, home for christmas, house marathon on usa on christmas day, icanhazcheeseburger, icanhazcheeseburger.com, house marathon, gin and tonic, tonic water, funny cat pictures

• Back in Two and Two

  Well, really just two. We're taking the next two days off (well, most of us; we suspect Scanner Brian has to blog at least every other day to stay alive). Happy non-denominational holidays from our family to yours.  [Image] Posted Dec 23 2008, 06:28 PM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: santa, holidays, Christmas, scanner brian, time off

• Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

  I was busy moving into my new apartment yesterday so I wasn't able to post the bearded man of the week. But come on folks, this week it could really only be one guy—the ultimate bearded man... Read More... Posted Dec 23 2008, 02:12 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: scanner, santa, mustache, bloggers, 2008, Christmas, pictures, funny, jezebel, comedians, bobby tisdale, wine, portland oregon, scrubs, emily farris, fetishes, beards, nerve.com, bears, naked bloggers, oregon, facial hair, portland, nerve scanner, naked as we came, bearded man of the week, women with facial hair, in good company soundtrack, men with facial hair, sam beam pictures, facial hair on men, the modern metrognome, iron and wine pictures, moustache, the shepherd's dog, the postal service, one man band, beam, iron, sam, pictures of iron and wine, singing in the shower, pictures of sam beam, iron & wine, the shower, garden state soundtrack, facial hair on women, our endless numbered days, metrognome, iron 'n wine, such great heights, sam beam, the creek drank the cradle, wine in the shower, scanner emily loves bearded men, what to listen to in the shower, such great heights not sung by the postal service, iron and wine, boy with a coin, shower, bloggers in pajamas, bloggers don't shower, scanner blog, blogger syndrome, bloggers not showering, objectifying men, fetishizing men, objectify men, fetishizing beards, facial hair fetishes, december 8, women who love men with bellies, bearded men with bellies, women who love bearded men, zach galifianakis, women who love bears, loving bears, men who love bears, bellies and beards, santa claus, bearded woman of the week, fake beards, women wearing fake beards, women in beards, bearded women, men wearing fake beards, pictures of women wearing beards, erin dollar, etsy, december 15, pictures of women with beards, girl in portland who makes beards, beards on etsy, beards for women, santa's beard

• The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

  The best part about buying lingerie for yourself and/or your loved one is that it's a gift that gives and receives. Oh, and it's considerably more thoughtful than other clothing purchases. Playboy's Gamer Next Door shows you what you need to know... Read More... Posted Dec 22 2008, 04:34 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: video of the day, playboy, Christmas, youtube, video game, girls next door, playboy bunnies, gamer, modell, jo garcia, christmas list

• Your Christmas Will Probably Be Better Than This

  No matter how much you might dread Christmas, at least it probably won't as bad as the following classic scene from John Waters' Female Trouble. Read More... Posted Dec 22 2008, 11:23 AM by Colleen Kane with | with no comments Filed under: Christmas, youtube, John waters, female trouble, cha cha heels

• The 10 Most Awesome Characters at the 1925 Office Christmas Party

  I am mesmerized by this office party photo from the vintage photo blog Shorpy (view the giant hi-res photo there). The participants might at first glance look like a bunch of stiffs in front of the world's most tragic pre-Charlie Brown Christmas tree, but after careful study, I present the ten most outstanding people at this party. Read More... Posted Dec 18 2008, 11:09 AM by Colleen Kane with | with 13 comment(s) Filed under: Christmas, weirdos, office party, characters, 1920s, pals, revelers, chums, go go

• Most Repulsive Christmas Video of the Year

  This is absolutely disgusting. We doubt you'll even be able to sit through the video that follows. Apparently this family has been making short Christmas videos about their dog since 2002. We're horrified. Why would someone do something so repulsive? The easy answer is: They're the Bush family. Read More... Posted Dec 16 2008, 01:39 PM by Scanner Matt with | with 4 comment(s) Filed under: politics, barney frank, milf, Christmas, laura bush, vomit, george bush shoe, christianmas sex tips, war on christmas, first twins, white housese video, barney bites reporter, merry christmas from the bushes, bush family video, srah palin family, barney christmas video, iraq war over, obama family, george bush ducks, christmas shopping tips, britney spears christmas

• Caption This: George Clooney Sees His Christmas Future

  (Ed Note: We write captions for these to 1. show off how clever we are and 2. give you the opportunity to be more clever than us. So caption this already!) [Image] Posted Dec 16 2008, 09:47 AM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: george clooney, Christmas, pictures, captions, caption this, celebrities, images, old men, pictures of george clooney, santa claus, the ghost of christmas future, caption that, george clooney and santa claus

• While You Were Sleeping: The No Pants Ride

  Idiots are already out with 2012 Presidential election polls. Thankfully, we have 2004 predictions to show you the futility of these fact-finding missions: Rudy Guiliani defeats John Kerry or John Edwards or Hillary Clinton in the 2008 race to the White House.  Meanwhile, the Electoral College named Barack Obama as the President-elect and Kerry is the new head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. A major movie star from the past has turned to blogging to amuse himself... Read More... Posted Dec 16 2008, 09:09 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: politics, charity, mad men, Barack Obama, Christmas, military, elections, election, John Kerry, jon hamm, rudy guiliani, anthony pellicano, marine

• You Missed Out on Santacon Again...

  The first rule of Santacon is similar to that of Fight Club. So, instead of telling you all about the yearly, ultra-secret flash mob involving Santa impersonators in cities worldwide, we'll show you what it's like... Read More... Posted Dec 15 2008, 11:18 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: stripper, New York City, Christmas, santacon, holiday, events, santa claus, flash mob

• While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Under Attack

  Apparently, bisexual men enjoy The Rock. What are these parents going to tell their kids when they get beat up because they insist, even into their later years, that they clearly remember going to the North Pole, where they met Ronald McDonald and Santa Claus? The producer of Don't Look Now's unforgettable sex scene clears up the "did they or didn't they" debate... Read More... Posted Dec 15 2008, 09:08 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: movies, george w bush, sex scenes, Christmas, hollywood, celebrities, rehab, children, sick, tara reid, while you were sleeping, McDonald's, santa claus, box office, julie christie, the rock, donald sutherland

• Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

  It's been a couple of Fridays since we solicited expert advice from our non-resident stripper friend, Jocelyn Testes-Harder, the ex-lapdancer of Richmond, Virginny, whose MySpace status mood notes she is "horny." This week, we talk to Jocelyn about the problem that's been bugging us the most: Christmas shopping in today's hectic world... Read More... Posted Dec 12 2008, 03:35 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: stripper, advice, thievery, Christmas, cars, funny, scanner brian, virginia, shopping, shoplifiting, wal-mart, interview, richmond, filthy richmond, tips from a stripper, the south

• Natalie Portman & Rashida Jones Issue A Sobering Holiday Message

  We are knee-deep in that magical time of year when we reflect about the true meaning of Christmas, and maybe there really IS a Santa after all, and that Christmas comes but once a year, and dreidel dreidel dreidel made of clay, and so on. Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones have another message of grave importance to contribute at this contemplative time, and you can watch it after the jump. Read More... Posted Dec 10 2008, 01:21 PM by Colleen Kane with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: natalie portman, holidays, Christmas, rashida jones, Hannukah

• Sloppy Seconds: Giving Vibrators To Teenage Girls

  Michael Lohan can't beat up any celebrities until his parole ends. Mac users, rejoice: a compendium of shortcuts to the rescue. You may be jealous over who Emily Blunt has shacked up with... we'll remain positive by saying he's at least cooler than Michael Buble... Read More... Posted Nov 20 2008, 05:31 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: sloppy seconds, sports, vibrators, Christmas, credit, Eva Longoria, fights, hockey, famous people, celebrities, mac, teenage girls, carrie fisher, michael lohan dinah lohan, michael buble, emily blunt, diet, john krasinski

• Merry Christmas... From the KKK?

  What does that look like to you? Read More... Posted Nov 19 2008, 12:43 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: wtf, Christmas, holiday gift guide, holiday, gizmodo, racism, Christian, kkk, america, south

• Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

  Oh, those aren't Sarah Palin's breasts? Well, with all the nude pictures of the Republican veep nominee floating around the Interwebs, you could have fooled us. Read More... Posted Sep 12 2008, 06:01 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: boobs, masturbation, bra, fox, Barack Obama, Christmas, highs and lows, penis, photoshop, breasts, masturbating, ellen degeneres, portia de rossi, lindsay and sam kiss, sam ronson, sarah palin, loud not proud, ellen and portia's wedding, selling out, sarah palin's breasts, linsdsay lohan, penis slide, crackzy cat lady

• Sloppy Seconds: Kim Kardashian's Cheap, Sexy Christmas Underwear Guide

  New York's free newspaper brings us Sexy underwear for every budget (including Scanner Emily's favorite poor-girl's Target line). The Jamaica Observer shares The Single Woman's Guide to Surviving Christmas and New Year's. Click through to get started on that "sexy ritual" ASAP. Kim Kardashian used to pray her boobies would stop growing... while we're still hoping to get ours. Posted Dec 24 2007, 11:57 AM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: boobs, kim kardashian, underwear, Christmas, target, single girls

• Alterna-Santas, Making Christmas a Little Less Special for Kids Everywhere

  For "a country where no two people can order the same coffee drink," Wired brings us a round-up of Alterna-Santas, including the Objectivist Santa, The Athiest Santa and the Parent Appreciation Santa: Let's face it: Santa is kind of a jerk. He swoops in once a year and lays a bunch of presents at your children's feet, and they love him even more than you and Ronald McDonald. Where was Santa when your kid had an ear infection? Sitting around smoking a pipe and drinking Coca-Cola, that's where. Parent Appreciation Santa understands your position, and that's why he shows up not with presents, but with pictures of you slaving away at work, cleaning the house and standing in line at 3 in the freaking morning to get a Wii. "I didn't bring anything," he explains, "but let's open the presents your parents got you, because they love you more than any hairy, polar-dwelling creep could." That sounds about like the Santa we knew and loved.  Wired: Alt.Santas Put the X Back in Xmas Posted Dec 20 2007, 12:30 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: santa, Wii, Christmas, wired, parents

• Video of the Day: "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" and it Freaks Me Out!

  We don't remember a single thing about the animated Christmas special Santa Claus is Comin' To Town, even though it was on the other day and we caught about half of it while we were making dinner. Certainly we don't remember Jessica, the future Mrs. Claus, being such a betty. But the main thing we don't remember? When she up and joined the Carrie Nations. Do "In the Long Run"! Actually, we seeing a few reports that this is a deleted scene that's maybe been put on the web from the DVD or something. Anyone out there watch this special a little more closely than us when it was re-aired by CBS a few weeks ago? Did this trippy number make the cut? [Via Star 102.1 FM -- Knoxville's #1 Station for Demented Christmas Treats] Posted Dec 20 2007, 11:20 AM by Bryan Christian with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: vod, Christmas, beyond the valley of the dolls, santa claus is comin' to town, videos

• Dancing Elves: Curing Holidayitis One Click at a Time

  It's only Wednesday, but with Christmas coming up and the Nerve Holiday Gift Guide filling up Scanner, it feels a little like the Friday before a holiday in elementary school when the teachers would just give us word searches and coloring sheets because they didn't want to do actual work any more than we did. That's why we've spent much of today doing stupid shit, like turning ourselves into dancing elves. P.S. Send tips!  Posted Dec 19 2007, 03:03 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: holidays, Christmas, school, elves