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• Scanner Contest: Name The Celebrity Packages

  Ah, the timeless rainy day game... Guess The Penis has been around since the time of Macbeth or possibly McCain... today, we're going to see City Rag's "Moose Knuckle Safari" and raise them one more... Be the first to name the famous packages correctly (or name the most) by Monday, 10/6 at 9am and you'll win... Read More... Posted Oct 02 2008, 02:15 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: rock and roll, sports, packaging, penis, condoms, john McCain, celebrities, penises, golf course, actors, golf, rock star, shakespeare, package, visible penis line, lube, the pleasure chest

• San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

  If it pisses off a wingnut Puritan cryptofascist like Michelle Malkin, we knew it would be a helluva party... Read More... Posted Oct 01 2008, 12:21 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: gay, beer, fetish, penis, nsfw, rubber, S&M, Mardi Gras, gay sex, whips, fetishes, leather, topless, san francisco, pride, michelle malkin, gay men, conservative, naked woman, naked man, folsom street fair, marquis de sade

• Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

  With word that Candace Bushnell will pen a novel telling the story of Carrie Bradshaw before she starting having sex in the city, people are already buzzing about who would play a young Bradshaw in the movie version. Can you guess who? [Yahoo!] Who knew Bridget Jones had such influence over British families? [Jezebel] Helen Koss, championed women's rights in Maryland and was the first female committee chairperson in the Maryland General Assembly's House of Delegates died of lung cancer at the age of 86. [Washington Post] Read More... Posted Sep 30 2008, 05:09 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: gay, sloppy seconds, books, Sex and the City, New York City, the UK, brad pitt, sex, penis, miley cyrus, teeth, Maryland, britain, brooklyn, billy ray cyrus, food, pete wentz, Steven Spielberg, novels, satc, pete wentz penis pictures, baking, carrie bradshaw, cooking shows, helen koss, enid's 6th annual apple pie competition, cablendace bushnell, apple pie, brideget jones, cities, california gay marriage ban, pie, competition

• And Just How Long Is Martha's Weiner?

  Yesterday Martha Stewart dedicated her show to one of America's most ubiquitous street eats: the hot dog. So just how long is Martha's hot dog? Really, really long... Read More... Posted Sep 24 2008, 03:46 PM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: penis, weenie royale, big penis, hot dog, weener, big hot dog, gi joeant hotdog, marthat stewart show, big hotdog, long hotdog, marthat stewart, weiner

• You'll Never Complain About Your Tiny Penis Again

  Okay, that's not true. And we can't believe we actually sat through this entire video, but slightly-amused misery loves company, so here you have it, ladies and gentlemen: what it's like to have the world's largest dick.  Posted Sep 22 2008, 12:36 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: Cracked, penis, pictures, giant penis, giant penis pictures, big penis, huge penis videos, small penis, big penis video, big penis movie, the world's largest penis, cracked.com, big penis show, huge penis, the world's biggest dick, penis pictures, big dick video

• A Fish Out of Water...and in Penis

  From the files of, "Oh, please God, NO!" A fish "slipped" into an Indian boy's penis while he was cleaning his aquarium. How could such a thing possibly happen? You ask... Read More... Posted Sep 19 2008, 01:04 PM by Nicole Pasulka with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: penis, India, fish in penis

• Harvard Student Publishes Porn Mag... Featuring Only Himself

  Harvard student Matthew Dipasquale wants "the world to know that [he loves] sex," that his personal philosophy is "go big or go home" (see after the jump for whether or not this is exactly true), and that he "sometimes" gets hit on "a lot." Oh, and that he has a penis... Read More... Posted Sep 17 2008, 12:40 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: sex, penis, nsfw, harvard, threesomes, magazines, pornography, penises, porno, massachusetts, student, vain

• Blake Fielder-Civil Sends Amy Winehouse A Pic Of His Dick

  What do you do if your husband sends you a picture of his dick from prison? If you're Amy Winehouse, you immediately post it to your Facebook profile... If anyone has the uncensored version (how is it that only one person saw it and has neglected to offer us a NSFW version?), please send it to us... Read More... Posted Sep 17 2008, 10:02 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: music, drugs, amy winehouse, jail, penis, celebrities, prison, camera phones, blake fielder civil, weird, penises, sfw

• NFL Player Accidentally Posts Photo Of His Penis On His Blog

  Above, is a photo Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley posted on his blog, minus about 2%, which we've cropped out... What's missing from this pic, now that it's only 98% of the original? The same thing that's missing from all photoblogs... Read More... Posted Sep 16 2008, 05:01 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: sports, penis, athletes, football, nsfw, penises, penis parade, oops, photoblog, penis pics, chris cooley penis photo, chris cooley, nfl

• Penis Eating Fish Plague Australian Harbor

  How's this for a lead: "An Australian immigrant with a penis fetish is terrorising the Waitemata Harbour." Read More... Posted Sep 16 2008, 01:25 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: penis, australia, penises, water, fish, fish sex, degree, castration

• Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

  Oh, those aren't Sarah Palin's breasts? Well, with all the nude pictures of the Republican veep nominee floating around the Interwebs, you could have fooled us. Read More... Posted Sep 12 2008, 06:01 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: boobs, masturbation, bra, fox, Barack Obama, Christmas, highs and lows, penis, photoshop, breasts, masturbating, ellen degeneres, portia de rossi, lindsay and sam kiss, sam ronson, sarah palin, loud not proud, ellen and portia's wedding, selling out, sarah palin's breasts, linsdsay lohan, penis slide, crackzy cat lady

• Penis Iceberg, Right Ahead!

  We have a hard time believing this penis-shaped iceberg, snapped in the Bransfield Straight, near Antarctica, is real, but we'd like to think it's Mother Nature sending us a little message about global warming. Read More... Posted Sep 12 2008, 11:25 AM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sculpture, penis, ice, global warming, alaska, titanic, sarah palin, penis sculpture, iceberg, ice sculpture, titanic cock, antarctica

• No, These Are The Real Daniel Radcliffe Nude Photos

  I, Scanner Brian, resisted posting these nude photos of Daniel Radcliffe from the opening night of Equus on Broadway for two reasons: 1) Ever since I saw Radcliffe in Tailor of Panama with Jamie Lee Curtis and Pierce Brosnan, back before the Harry Potter gig, he has looked exactly like-- gulp-- my younger brother. Thankfully, with these recent photos, he isn't looking so creepily/eerily similar. Phew-- got that off my chest. 2) Scanner Nicole had posted what we thought were real photos of Radcliffe in the buff from the London run, but admittedly, they are too professional looking to be stealth camera phone nudes or whatever. Here's the real thing, after the jump... Read More... Posted Sep 12 2008, 10:19 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: penis, nsfw, Broadway, penises, nude photos, daniel radcliffe, real or fake, daniel radcliffe penis pics, daniel radcliffe naked pictures, daniel radcliffe penis photos

• Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

  Janet Jackson kicked off her first tour in six years with an emotional performance in Vancouver. [People] We pity the fool who will soon be Mr. Tara Reid. [dListed] We're not the only ones expecting the new 90210 to suck. Shannen Doherty doesn't plan to do more than four episodes. [Yahoo!] Spiderman Tobey McGuire is all set to give his big speech at the 9/11 memorial service tonight. Huh? [Cryptome] Read More... Posted Sep 11 2008, 05:13 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: boobs, the hills, marriage, heidi klum, sloppy seconds, books, kanye west, weddings, penis, TMZ, project runway, glasses, lauren conrad, 9/11, janet jackson, beverly hills 90210, tara reid, elle, nina garcia, book deals, tour, 90210, sarah palin, lipstick, kanye west arrested, lax, harper collins, shannen doherty, tobey mcguire, pit bull in lipstick, spiderman, pitbull in lipstick, performance, emotions, engagement

• The Most Inappropriate Slide in This History of Playground Equipment

  Gaaaaaaaaah! We will never look at a playground in the same way again.  Posted Sep 10 2008, 12:12 PM by Nicole Pasulka with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: video, sperm, kids, youtube, penis, children, child abuse, disturbing, queen, playground

• Men's Magazines All About Getting You Laid (File Under: Date Rape)

  We're on to you, men's healthy lifestyle magazines. Whether you bury your information in your editorial content, or allow it in the advertising section, you're really just a cover for getting dudes laid, right?  This month, the back pages of Men's Fitness bring us a disturbing ad for Sexactivator, a "magical wonder liquid" that "can be taken orally, or put in any drink." And, "some women say that they love when their man puts a few drops in their favorite drink without them knowing. They say that it turns them on even more." We have two questions. 1) What the fuck? 2) Does it work on dudes? Full ad after the jump. Read More... Posted Sep 09 2008, 01:48 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: drugs, penis, men's health, roofies, getting laid, date rape, men's magazines, rape, laid, sexactivator, men's fitness

• Today in Penis-Shaped Candy: Gummy Lighthouses

  Which got us thinking... penis flavored candy, good idea or bad? [via Thrillist] Posted Sep 08 2008, 11:22 AM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: penis, candy, thrillist, things that look like penises, penis candy, gummy penis, gummy lighthouses

• UPDATE: A Plethora of Penis Photos

  Our post on the Top 10 Most Famous Penises In Human History was met with some resistance-- where are all the penis pics? you cried. Your wishes are our commands: they're all after the jump... with the sex scene from Tampopo, too, which we debated making #5 in our Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food... Read More... Posted Aug 26 2008, 02:44 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: porn star, penis, nsfw, penises, pete wentz, black actors, nude photos, jimi hendrix, pete wentz penis pictures, naked men, john holmes

• Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

  At least Michael Phelps doesn't exaggerate his athletic prowess. It seems our very own swimming sensation is trying to steal some thunder from Germany's Olympians, Amanda Beard, and those twin hotties from Brazil with his very own decent exposure... Read More... Posted Aug 15 2008, 03:02 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 7 comment(s) Filed under: penis, penises, olympics, beijing, nude photos, swimming, michael phelps

• Scanner Highs and Lows: Is That a Hot Dog in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Us?

  Because we're happy to see you, too... Read More... Posted Jul 03 2008, 04:35 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: tattoos, sex, highs and lows, penis, celebrities, albums, clusterfuck, erections, penises, pete wentz, hot dogs, scanner highs and lows, areolas, music camp, sexy music

• Want Revenge On Your Old High School?

  Gotta love the reactions of the two kids getting their diplomas. "Thirteen years of school... for this?!" If you're like us and didn't have nearly as much fun at your high school's expense as you think other people did, maybe you can live vicariously from this classic stage invasion during the Saratoga Springs High School graduation...  Read More... Posted Jun 27 2008, 11:01 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 3 comment(s) Filed under: new york, high school, justice, penis, funny, arrested, pranks, teenage boys, revenge

• You Asked for a Penis Poll, You Got It

  Yesterday's Scanner Rountable on breasts (with which we're pleasantly surprised so far) inspired many requests for a penis poll — which we are all for. So, ladies and gentlemen, here is your penis poll. Read More... Posted Jun 18 2008, 11:33 AM by Emily Farris with | with 11 comment(s) Filed under: boobs, scanner roundtable, penis, boob envy, breast, penis poll, poll

• Scanner Highs And Lows: Privates And Privacy

  This week, we got down with O.P.P. You remember O.P.P.... Read More... Posted Jun 13 2008, 05:51 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: sex, television, penis, orgasms, phone sex, angelina joile, jesus christ, old people, scanner nicole, g spot, indecent, sex lives

• Go The Extra Yard: Join Team Schmuck

  There are so many jokes that we could trot out right now (i.e. "Hell, all politicians are schmucks, why not a real Schmuck?")  A candidate for Arizona legislator is finding that his supporters are having their yard signs stolen in alarmingly high numbers. True, typical elections feature some degree of vandalism and theft, but Frank Schmuck's campaign posters are disappearing faster than he can print them... Schmuck, a decorated Gulf War veteran and Air Force Academy graduate, wondered why people are focusing on his signs....  Read More... Posted Jun 13 2008, 05:00 PM by Brian Fairbanks with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: politics, wikipedia, penis, elections, funny names, arizona, jewish, veterans

• Baby Born With Extra Penis, Parents Have it Removed Why?

  If the ever-so-reputable Sun is to be believed, a baby in China was born with an extra penis on his back before his parents had it removed. As much as we would love for this story to be true (think of the porn star name possibilities: Bare Back Baby?!), we unfortunately have to call bullshit on this story. Please let us draw your attention to Exhibit A (extra peen pic after the jump).  Read More... Posted Jun 11 2008, 11:43 AM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: babies, penis, China, penises, bullshit, circumcision, photoshopping, the sun

• Don't Try This at Home: Penis Cream to Prevent the Transmission of HIV

  Because people are always trying to find a way around using condoms (which we understand, but you just have to do it) and in some cultures just won't wear them for whatever reason, researchers in Melbourne have discovered that rubbing oestrogen on the head of a penis could help prevent the transmission of HIV. Read More... Posted Jun 05 2008, 03:59 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: science, stds, penis, vagina, research, studies, HIV, cream

• Video of the Day: Puppetry of the Penis

  "We like to liken it if you go to a kid's party and there' s a clown twisting balloons into shapes that's what we do with our genitals." Um, first of all, we don't even have a penis and ouch! And second, how do they handle them like that and not get hard-ons? And just in case you haven't figured it out, this is totally not safe for work. Posted Jun 04 2008, 03:17 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: video of the day, penis, nsfw, penis balloons, penis puppetry, puppetry

• Have You Had a Taste of "Young American Bodies?"

  Have you been keeping up with "Young American Bodies," the NC-17-ish web soap opera that's the brain child of indie filmmaker Joe Swanberg (of Hannah Takes the Stairs fame) and a product of Nerve Video and IFC? If you haven't, you need to clickety click on over to Nerve Video and catch up on all three seasons before you watch this weeks' "Dating for Nerds." If you don't do as we say, you'll miss out on such gems as "You're putting your penis by my butt," and something most non-XXX media is missing: full-frontal male nudity. [Nerve Video: Young American Bodies]  Posted May 29 2008, 05:37 PM by Emily Farris with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: young american bodies, penis, full frontal nudity, anal sex, nerve video

• Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Consider Prancing Around in Stripper Shoes to Survive the Recession

  It was a long, cold winter and nothing says fuck me (and tip me) like a pair of stripper shoes, right?  Read More... Posted May 23 2008, 06:01 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: stephen colbert, Barack Obama, highs and lows, R Kelly, penis, scarlett johansson, john McCain, mike Huckabee, new kids on the block, ellen degeneres, nkotb, Oprah, jon stewart, vegetarians, 90210, stripper shoes, hulu

• Don't Miss: The Icelandic Penis Museum

  We're so excited about the Icelandic Phallological Museum that we are almost unable to get the words out fast enough: Reuters has the story of Sigurdur Hjartarson, curator of his own collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull's penis that looked something like a riding crop, [and] now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species. The largest, from a sperm whale, is 70 kg (154 lb) and 1.7 meters (5.58 ft) long. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is just 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass.  The can't-miss rest, after the jump... Read More... Posted May 21 2008, 11:41 AM by Brian Fairbanks with | with no comments Filed under: penis, joke, penises, hilarious, phallic, iceland