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• Alterna-Santas, Making Christmas a Little Less Special for Kids Everywhere

  For "a country where no two people can order the same coffee drink," Wired brings us a round-up of Alterna-Santas, including the Objectivist Santa, The Athiest Santa and the Parent Appreciation Santa: Let's face it: Santa is kind of a jerk. He swoops in once a year and lays a bunch of presents at your children's feet, and they love him even more than you and Ronald McDonald. Where was Santa when your kid had an ear infection? Sitting around smoking a pipe and drinking Coca-Cola, that's where. Parent Appreciation Santa understands your position, and that's why he shows up not with presents, but with pictures of you slaving away at work, cleaning the house and standing in line at 3 in the freaking morning to get a Wii. "I didn't bring anything," he explains, "but let's open the presents your parents got you, because they love you more than any hairy, polar-dwelling creep could." That sounds about like the Santa we knew and loved.  Wired: Alt.Santas Put the X Back in Xmas Posted Dec 20 2007, 12:30 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: santa, Wii, Christmas, wired, parents

• Tis the Season for Sexually Assaulting Santa

  Santa is accusing a woman of groping him at a Connecticut mall: "The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted," police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the weekend complaint. Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace. She was released on a promise to appear in court on Jan. 3. Police quickly found and identified Lamy because the woman was described as being on crutches, said Capt. Bob Myles. "I've had some very nice ladies sit on my lap," said Connaghan, who did not train the Danbury Fair Santa. "Once in a while they'll say 'I hope Mrs. Claus isn't going to be upset.' You have to be discreet and kind and say 'Oh no, she'll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.'" She should have just gone to Santacon. SFGate.com: Woman Accused of Groping Mall Santa (Thanks, William and Ann!) Image via dirtyrottensanta.com  Posted Dec 18 2007, 02:22 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: santa, santacon, groping, connecticut, malls

• Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

  It does now. Some Republican Congressmen must have been really pissed that their kids couldn't sing Christmas Carols in school, because earlier this week Congress passed a resolution "Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith." While we realize both are important and we do love Christmas for all its Pagan glory, Congress is making it very hard for us to get into the spirit with all this Jesus talk: "Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible.... Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization..." [Christmas is now recognized by Congress?]   Full text of the resolution (approved 372-9 on Tuesday night) after the jump. Read More... Posted Dec 14 2007, 08:23 AM by Emily Farris with | with 9 comment(s) Filed under: religion, santa, republicans, Christmas, say what, christians, congress

• Santa Got Back

  As mentioned on Friday, we had our first experience with Santacon this weekend. We opted for not-so-slutty American Apparel Elf, and quickly learned that we were in-no-way-at-all slutty, and we were absolutely not that girl ("that girl" was wearing a teensy-weensy skirt and a candy cane hat and we saw her make out with at least four different guys in one hour). Maybe if we'd dressed a little sluttier we would have made out with even just one (not that we didn't get a few offers from some smelly, slurring Santas). To give you a sense of what Santacon was like, and spread some holiday cheer, here's a video taken early in the day, before the real mayhem began. All you need to know is: kids and Santas rapping "Baby Got Back." And you can stop watching after the first minute or two (pretty anti-climactic) but if you watch to the end, you'll learn that the kid is looking for a date and that everyone there was a "fat ho'."   Posted Dec 10 2007, 03:37 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: video, santa, santacon, american apparel, mobs, slutty santa, that girl

• What's Red, White and Drunk All Over?

  Why it's Santatcon, the biggest Santa convention, probably, ever. And that's where you'll find us tomorrow. Well, no, you most likely won't find us among the 500 or so drunk Santas, but that shouldn't stop you from looking. Unless you're a creepy stalker, in that case, it should stop you from looking. And if you're not in New York you can find a Santacon near you. This will be our first year participating in Santacon so we're still debating between stuffed-sweats Santa or slutty-American-Apparel Santa. Decisions, decisions. Photo from nycmstar's flickr.  Posted Dec 07 2007, 09:57 AM by Emily Farris with | with 2 comment(s) Filed under: santa, santacon, american apparel, mobs

• Bad Santa

  There's something strange about online chatbots -- maybe it's that they're robots. And most of the time they're programmed to talk dirty, so you can't blame a Microsoft-powered bot when it's supposed to be chatting as Santa but slips up and starts talking to kids about blow jobs, now can you? Posted Dec 04 2007, 12:29 PM by Emily Farris with | with no comments Filed under: santa, robot sex, microsoft, chat

• Shhhh. Can You Keep a Secret From Scanner Sarah?

  We just found the perfect Christmas present for Scanner Sarah at Nerd Approved. We don't know what this apron says, or why it exists, and we think it might be made of flammable material, but look, it's an apron with inflateable tits on it! An extra set of tits is exactly what we learned Scanner Sarah wanted for Christmas when we snuck a look at her letter to Santa. It's like God heard her prayers and sent this link right to us. Posted Oct 12 2007, 03:41 PM by Nicole Pasulka with | with no comments Filed under: boobs, santa