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  • So Long, and Thanks for All the Lube: Scanner Sarah, Out

    About a year ago--almost exactly a year ago, in fact--I started writing this blog. I took over from my friend Ada Calhoun, who had started the blog herself and was moving over to run Nerve’s parenting site Babble. I didn’t really know what I was doing, and maybe some of you figured that out and/or left comments about it, but I want you to know that I’ve had fun. Lots of fun. Ridiculous amounts of fun. And I now have a bathroom cabinet stocked with lube, some of it in mousse form, which (as any girl knows) can turn your cooch into Richard Marx.

    However, like all good sex, ours must end. I’ve taken a job at Salon, and though I’ll still be writing for Nerve, it won’t be on this blog. I leave you in the capable (adorable, strong, firm, soft, loving) hands of my dear friends Bryan and Nicole. There will probably be new bloggers, too. I hope you love them. I hope they make you laugh, and question the world, and think about the absurdity of sex and/or R. Kelly from time to time.

    We’ve had good times, you and I. Oh, the David Hasselhoff. Oh, the student-teacher sex. Oh, the who would you rather game. (Real quick! Who would you rather: David Hasselhoff or student-teacher sex? Question mark or exclamation point? Penis or vagina? I could do this forevah!) And should you ever miss me, just listen to the Xanadu soundtrack. It might be my one regret, leaving Scanner, that I didn’t write about Xanadu enough. So dammit, please watch this. For you: Xanadu.

     


  • And Now for Something Completely Adorable

    We are having an emotional week. We keep crying and shit. Yes, we actually have a column based on our tendency toward wet faces in public places, but this week we are especially, like, volatile. Why? As in all things, we blame Angela Lansbury.

    This morning, when we came across the Puppies Behind Bars link on Metafilter, we were hoping for a little absurdity/distraction. Say, cute puppies in hilarious costumes. But no. No! We didn’t get that at all. Instead, we got this fully heartwarming story about prisoners training puppies to be guide dogs, and now we’re all weepy over our cappuccino. Screw you, Puppies Behind Bars. We’re trying to keep it together here.


  • Tacos We'd Like to F*ck: The Double Decker Taco

    Today is free taco day at Taco Bell. Also, the sun is handing out skin cancer at no charge. Hurry, run quick! But seriously, we’re going to tell you something, but only if you promise not to tell anyone, not even the bloggers who share this page. We love Taco Bell. Do you hear us? Love it. We stumble into that joint at 2am with a good, solid beer buzz going, load up on tacos, and wake up the next morning covered in hot sauce and refried beans. Damn, that’s what WE’RE talking about! So, in honor of this momentous American holiday, we want to tell you about our favorite taco, The Double Decker Taco.

    When it debuted in the 90s, we considered the Double Decker Taco a cheap gimmick. Back then, we were strictly bean burrito girls, with the occasional Beef Meximelt to spice things up. The commercials were all, “See what we’ve done? It’s insane!” But then, BUT THEN: We tried the Double Decker Taco. People, it’s brilliant! Because it has the savory greasiness of a hard-shell taco, but it doesn’t crumble all over your lap, because that savory goodness is held in the warm, chewy bosom of a soft tortilla slathered with refried beans. It’s like the two powerhouses of tacos working together. It’s the DeNiro and Pacino of tacos. Here in New York, we don’t go to Taco Bell much. But when we head back to Dallas, we set up camp in the aisles. So please get our sleeping bag out of the closet and hide the children's eyes, Mockingbird Taco Bell. We are coming for our free taco.


  • Sex, Drugs, or Rock 'n' Roll: Slash Voted "Drugs"

    Apparently when Slash was dating then-notorious (and barely legal) porn star Traci Lords in 1989, he forgot to have sex with her because he was too busy smoking the crack rock.

    Scanner Sarah says that, actually, she was too busy smoking Traci Lords to have sex with Slash, which we find hysterical, distressing, and plausible in equal parts. — Bryan Christian


  • Oh Yeah, Celebrity Actually Is Interesting, the Britney Spears Edition

    There is so much celebrity crap in the world, only 60% of it generated by us and people like us, that it becomes very difficult to take it all in. Even if “taking it all in” is what you do best, like eating the most Oreos or drinking everyone under the table. (We do both.) Sometimes, you’re just like, GAH, Britney Spears. What the fuck is that all about? GAH, Paris Hilton. People, don't look now but: Paris Hilton exists! Isn’t that weird? Can you “take it all in”?

    So whatever, what we want to tell you is that this article in this month’s Vanity Fair is very good. It is about celebrity mothers. Specifically, it is about the mothers of Britney, Paris, and Lindsay. And we think, one day, when all the punchlines are done and we've finally "taken it all in," someone will write a tragedy about Britney Spears. And it will be the saddest story ever told.


  • Hey Everybody, I Just Pummeled My Vagina!

    A few weeks ago, we got an email from a sex-toy company. It said, “Do you want to review a sex toy?” We said yes. Immediately. About a week later, a package arrived, and we thought, “Wow, great, our new IKEA furniture is here.” But no. It was a Hitachi Magic Wand and a remote controller from Extreme Restraints. The Hitachi Magic Wand was once described to us by a dear friend as the “Cadillac of vibrators.” By comparison, our actual vibrator, a $13 pocket rocket, is the Big Wheel of vibrators. But look, we’re open to new things.

    Read More...


  • SCANNER HAS BEEN HACKED!

    Scanner is gay. No, Scanner is straight. Scanner hates you. No, Scanner hates David Hasselhoff! This message is being written by Ann Coulter, who is cackling as she clicks away on the keyboard, and also somehow rubbing her hands together greedily, because Ann Coulter has four hands, didn’t you know that, and only one of them is a penis. But what Ann Coulter is trying to tell you here is that Ann Coulter was hacked. Spencer and Heidi forever!!!!



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