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Scanner Highs and Lows: Finders Keepers, Finders Weepers

2008-05-09T21:51:00Z

Oh, the things you'll learn!

HIGHS:

We found a picture of a very sexy carrot.

We found out about... sommmmeeboddyy'sss birthdaaay!

We discovered a secret pantie run at ASU. Okay, it couldn't have been that secret if hundreds of Arizonians were ready with their cameras when it went down.

We uncovered the ancient art of the VHS tape.

We revealed the identity of Minnie Driver's baby daddy. And no, she's not "fucking Matt Damon."

We learned that homosexuality is a whopping 140 years old!

We began a new contest after finding one of the great dive bars.

LOWS:

We uncovered a Google Map pertaining to the sexual conquests of an individual unfortuantely named "Igor."

We found out that Grey's Anatomy is resorting to raunchy lesbian sex to keep its ratings up. Shame on them?

We discovered the Ugly Models Agency is not really all that bad. It makes us feel ugly, in fact.

Our eyes burned after learning about anal from Spencer Pratt.

We mourned the wonderful news of Scarlett Johansson's enagement.

IN-BETWEENS:

We learned the identity of the owner of a famous third nipple. Actually, everyone cheated by reading the name of the celebrity off the title of the photo. Whoops!

And we learned about America's most sexually satisfying cities. None of them are near us, damn it.

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

2008-05-09T21:33:00Z

Facebook is causing all sort of problems in England: first, a bunch of crazy water-fight participants destroyed a famous garden; more importantly, an ex-girlfriend broke into her guy's account and wrote all about his douchebaggery.

Liv Tyler is getting divorced. Liv, you can message us through Facebook anytime.

The McGreevey's finally settled their custody battle. We'll resist the temptation to make any jokes about their multiple fathers, orgies, sex with staff members, and any other crimes we've already covered exhaustively.

Heather Mills is going to pursue a spot on "Celebrity: Apprentice." We've never so badly wanted that show to be canceled...

Hugh Hefner wants Miley Cyrus or whatever her name is to appear in Playboy. When she's legal, of course. Sorry, Hugh, but we've already seen more of her, the Olsen twins, and Suri Cruise than we'd ever want to see. You dirty old perv.

Possibly the most repulsive pickup line imaginable, not just because of the source: Roseanne (Barr/Arnold/n/a) came on strong to George Clooney when Clooney debuted on her rad 80s TV show: "You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink." [Starpulse]

And, finally, why not end your week with a laugh, as this video does:

Arianna Huffington: Iraq is McCain's Viagra...
Stephen Colbert: I suppose the warning on that should be: "If your erection lasts more than a hundred years, pull out!"

Against Your Wil (Wheaton)

2008-05-09T21:00:00Z

Did you guys know that Wil Wheaton has a groovy and unsurprisingly well-written blog? (Full disclosure: Stand By Me is the greatest movie ever made.) Many people of all sorts of unknown backgrounds are aware of and have read this excellent blog. However, Wil Wheaton has made a grand faux pas that his readers may never forgive: reiterating some nasty rumors about Hillary Clinton.

From the WWdN blog (What Would Will Wheaton do? No, that's not right):

At times like these, when it would be easy to despair, I find comfort in humor, like this post I saw on Reddit this morning: Hillary Clinton: The Psycho Ex-Girlfriend of the Democratic Party.

Mr. Wheaton found this salacious gossip funny?! We frankly did not. No, we were too disturbed by the possibility that we might actually agree with this name-calling to laugh. Perhaps we might actually read this nastiness to find out what was so horrifying that Wil Wheatonites had to write him politely-worded hate mail?

It's 2:31 AM. The Democratic Party is sleeping peacefully when it hears its phone buzz on the night stand. It rolls over and sees "Hillary" on the caller ID. It pauses briefly, considering pushing "END" and not dealing with this shit tonight. The thought is appealing but the Democratic Party knows that if it doesn't take this call, another one is only minutes away.

DEMS: ...Hello?

Hillary: Hey baby.

DEMS: C'mon Hillary. Enough with this.

Hillary: Don't you get it? You NEED me.

DEMS: No, I don't. It was fun while it lasted but I'm with Barack now. I made my choice, it's done.

Hillary: You can't really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?

DEMS: To be honest, I started hanging out with you because Bill's pretty awesome.

Hillary: But I'm just like Bill!

DEMS: No, you're not. Bill is charismatic, inspiring, and gets me really good weed.

Hillary: Fuck you. You're elitist!

DEMS: I'm going back to sleep.

Talk about a low blow... after all, this woman is going to President, as of January 2013, so we better be nice to her now... okay?

As for Wil, he appears to have triumphed and moved on to posting about Seattle Comic Cons, so we're not too worried about him... in fact, this post's orginal and completely tasteless title was to be "Triumph of the Wil." Too much?

Via Wil Wheaton's blog, WWdN: In Exile.

Photo courtesy of Austin's Alamo Drafthouse.

Third Nipple Mystery Solved

2008-05-09T20:35:00Z

Third nipples, as we learned yesterday, afflict 1/18th of the population. So, who is the man behind the three nipples before you? Who is this unsung hero of the third nipple pride movement? You've probably been tossing and turning all night in anticipation. Have no Fear-- you'll find out after the jump.

If you said Marky Mark, you are wrong. But if you said Mark Wahlberg, you're right. Anyone who saw Wahlberg's breathtaking performance as David in Fear knows that to call this thespian by his rapper name, Marky Mark, does not do him justice.( Although Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch were a talented bunch and "Good Vibrations" is a solid song.) Did you know that Wahlberg is part of the Third Nipples Are Beautiful Movement? Although he once planned on removing his extra nipple, Wahlberg decided to keep it. And he told Rolling Stone why: "I've come to embrace it. That thing's my prized possession."

Previously: Third Nipples: Everybody's Doing Them

What Kind Of God In Heaven Lets A Topless Eva Mendes Photoshoot Go This Wrong?

2008-05-09T20:05:00Z

Yuck. These pics of Eva Mendes from Italian Vogue -- we're thinking they're actually from the same shoot that Scanner Brian mentioned earlier today -- make us feel like we've walked into a John Waters-art directed acid trip. Actually, Eva's reminding us of someone here... who could it be...

(Click through for the answer -- and a bit more nudity, if you're not bored by that sort of thing yet.)

Ah yes, that's it. Yikes, maybe some nudity will help?

Eh... guess not. We was robbed! Scanner Brian, 1; Scanner Bryan, 0.

Eva Mendes Realizes Your Wildest Shrimping Fantasies [NSFW] [Defamer]

Tina Turner Comes Out On Oprah

2008-05-09T19:41:00Z

Tina Turner has still got it and she's still simply the best. She's also out.

With the moral support of Cher and Oprah, Turner, 68, announced she is finally coming out... of retirement and kicking off a new tour. Three years after Tina appeared on Oprah and spoke about herself in the third person: "To go on tour every night—that's a bit much...There's a high expectation of Tina Turner, and I don't want them to say, 'She can't do it like she used to'…I'll think about [it]." Well, Tina has thought about it and she's decided to launch a final tour. FYI, Scanner Katie attended a Tina show during the tour formerly known as Tina's final tour.

Eva Mendes Does Incredibly Hot Vogue Photo Shoot

2008-05-09T19:11:00Z

Thank God, these are so NSFW it's not even funny...

First off, what are these pictures supposed to be of? Some 1950s Italian movie stars? We're very confused by magazines like Vogue-- they always seem to be unsure what their own point is.

As for Eva, if she's trying to become the next Paris Hilton (or Sasha Grey), these will surely help raise her to that status-- a tart. Not that we mind that-- after all, she's in movies like We Own the Night and Ghost Racer or whatever it's called, so we don't actually respect her as an actress anyway...

Don't miss this photo, which is mind-blowingly hot and involves lingerie, heels, and being bent over a table... don't say we didn't warn you!

All of these and many more via No Watermark.

"American Psycho" Remake Dispenses With Metaphor, Gets Straight to Dickswinging

2008-05-09T18:33:00Z

Like this classic scene from Mary Harron's film adaptation of American Psycho? Well, haven't you always thought how much better it would have been with some good ol' fashioned cock and balls?

(We'd complain about not being able to embed the video on our site, but frankly, we think it's us -- and it's not like they didn't create the goddamn thing in the first place.)

Hardly Working: American Psychos [CollegeHumor]

Photos of the Day: Bill Henson's Lowlight Paris Opera Series

2008-05-09T18:12:00Z

They aren't necessarily sexual, but man -- how intimate are these studies of patrons of the Paris Opera House? Photographer Bill Henson took them in the early '90's; we came across them this week after a former Nerve photo editor blogged about them. Don't you feel all, like, whispery and clandestine just looking at them?

Click through for a few of our faves from the series.

"Indy 4: Indy & The Aliens" A Steaming Pile of Crap, Say Preview Audiences

2008-05-09T17:57:00Z

You can't say we didn't try and warn you on this one , like, months ago, but according to every single report we've seen, advance word on the new Indiana Jones movie is uniformly bad. The latest pan from Ain't It Cool News actually even begins with the sentence that any Indy fan was hoping not to hear:

In short, this is the Indiana Movie that you were dreading. I remember seeing the two trailers and though I was excited to see the old man in action again, I was kind of worried that they seemed to be missing ’something’. That something was tension. During the whole of the movie, there was not a single moment that I thought our hero Mr. Jones (actually Colonel Jones as he was a hero in WWII now) was in any sort of peril or even significant inconvenience. In most cases, you were so many steps ahead of the characters that it was really just an arduous wait for them to get through it.

Yeesh. Think on the 22nd we'll be curling up with our copy of Raiders of the Lost Ark and some promo shots of Little Miss Soviett, thank you very much.

[via Jossip]

Sing and Dance Along With Indian Condoms

2008-05-09T17:31:00Z

We go apeshit for sex education PSAs that personify condoms. But this video has singing and dancing too!

It's probably safe to assume we'll be showering with a rubber on from now on.

Oh, Happy Day!

2008-05-09T17:02:00Z

Sorry, folks, but Scanner Emily will be MIA today.

Scanner Emily is staying away from the scary internets so she can relax... on her birthday!

Let's all sign a great big birthday card for her... with your comments in the comments section. (P.S. Comments on her good looks will not be blocked.)

Vito Fossella Promotes Family Values... Two Families At A Time

2008-05-09T16:40:00Z

As we suspected, Vito Fossella is not the goody-two-shoes, family-values conservative, Dad of the Year winner the Republican Party made him out to be. The New York City Congressman, already the worst person in the world for bringing his best friend Dick Cheney to Brooklyn and Staten Island to fundraise for him, has outdone himself again.

And we thought Eliot Spitzer's was the ultimate hypocrite for going after whorehouses while himself visiting Ashley Alexandra Dupre in his spare time:

Representative Vito J. Fossella, the Staten Island Republican who was arrested on drunken-driving charges in Virginia last week, acknowledged on Thursday that he had fathered a daughter, now 3, in an extramarital affair. But he declined to address questions about his political future. [New York Times]

It keeps getting better: not only that, but Vito has been seen recently without his wedding ring. Dude-- you're a public official, people in the gossip community (i.e. the New York Post, Daily News, and Reuters) tend to notice shit like that. And if you're going to cheat on your wife (and kids-- that is, those kids you have with your current wife), please leave her at least the dignity to be able to end the marriage herself-- in other words, let her be the one to take her ring off first. Don't get all Rudy Guiliani on us and call a press conference announcing your divorce so she can learn about it from NY1 News.

Asshole.

Via The New York Daily News.

RAWR!! How to Endanger a Species.

2008-05-09T16:09:00Z

That is all. Happy Friday.

[via]

Video of the Day: Jessica Alba Staring Contest

2008-05-09T15:35:00Z

Yeah... um... if we blink, we don't have to, like, turn away, right?

Pastor Hagee's Retraction Retraction

2008-05-09T14:45:00Z

Not to brag, but I, Scanner Katie, TOTALLY saw this one coming when I broke the McCain's Pastor Says Homos May Not Be Responsible For Katrina story. The media is now saying that John Hagee, McCain's spiritual adviser, has retracted his retraction of his "gays caused Katrina" statement. But you can't retract a retraction you haven't made in the first place.

OK, just to catch everyone up, Hagee said gay people caused Katrina. Two weeks ago, when asked if he still held the theory, Hagee reiterated his position. Then the media said he was retracting his gays caused Katrina thesis when he said.

As a believing Christian, I see the hand of God in everything that happens here on earth, both the blessings and the curses,...But ultimately neither I nor any other person can know the mind of God concerning Hurricane Katrina. I should not have suggested otherwise.

Now the media is saying Hagee is retracting his retraction. But Hagee never retracted anything in the first place. He was merely admitting that he didn't have the God-dar to figure out which sinners the Lord was punishing. Only God knows whether his target was the gays, the women who work, or the Catholics. For He moves in mysterious anti-catholic, homophobic and misogynist ways.

Preciously: McCain's Pastor Says Homos May Not Be Responsible For Katrina, Reverend Jeremiah Wright: On Our To-Do List, Minor Detail About Reverend Wright's 9/11 Sermon: He Didn't Say It! ,Top 10 Outrageous Quotes From McCain's Spiritual Advisers

Just Because You Enjoy Having Crabs, Doesn't Mean We Have to Enjoy Hearing About Them

2008-05-09T14:19:00Z

We have seen and heard a lot here at Scanner, and a lot of what we've seen and heard has made us very nauseous. The most recent weirdo sex thing to bring up our lunch is the Love Bugz website and mail order pubic lice delivery service.

Yes, that's correct, the site claims to be selling pubic lice through the mail to people who really want giant insects crawling through their nethers.

According to the FAQ:

The dealio is special bred pubic crab louses from Japan (not the same as homeless people's variety of lice exactly).
They're unfucking believable!

First, they DON'T BITE, they just live off dead skin cells and such in your bush. Really, you're cleaner with them there than without them.

Second, these babies are HUGE!!! Well, huge compared to regular lice. And they just live happily in your underwear.
It's so COOL! They grow, and have families.
You can feel em living and crawling around. It's like having personal Sea monkeys in your pants ;-)
Seriously, though, they really are my personal pets that go everywhere with me. You get attached to them like any pet.

OK, so blogger Bug Girl overcame her disgust to perform a public service and received a package of these alleged lice, did some sciency stuff with a microscope or whatever, and determined that this is a scam--a creepy, crawly disgusting sexually transmitted scam.

So to those of you who ordered online hoping to house a parasite in your crotch, enjoy the pebbles or crumbs or whatever you've got swimming around down there.

Today in Bad-Assery: The Neil Young Archives, 1963-1972

2008-05-09T13:54:00Z

It blows our mind that a guy whose records have always seemed so homemade would release his long-awaited archives on Blu-Ray, packing the release with crazy interactive menus and video, as this clip demonstrates. We're not complaining, y'understand. It ain't like we'll need a mind to put this shit in our Christmas wish list.

[via Rolling Stone]

Eureko! "30 Rock" Brought Back the Porn Video Game!

2008-05-09T13:45:00Z

Man, were we bummed when on last week's 30 Rock, they didn't give a single mention to that porn video game that Tracy Jordan was designing the week before. But hooray! On last night's season finale, it was back in a big way! (We'll not spoil it here; just do yrself a favor and watch the ep).

Will this storyline continue into next year? Will Tracy and Frank's Amadeus-style rivalry return? Will 30 Rock continue to be the single most redeeming creation of mankind's short existence on this planet? YES, GODDAMNIT IT WILL! TINA FEY, GIVE US SOME FREAKING HOPE WHILE WE'RE STUCK IN YET ANOTHER REALITY TV SUMMER!!!

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

2008-05-09T13:20:00Z

Whenever we take a friend (sexy or not) back to our hometown, a stroll around the old neighborhood rapidly devolves into a tour of who we had fumbling awkward makeouts with and where. The garages, the playgrounds, the convenience store bathrooms, we could practically draw you a map.

Looks like Igor, lord and master of Driven By Boredom, has done exactly that. Looks like he has a similar sex-tinged past, and has created a Google map to celebrate his formative touch and grab experiences. It's intense, and involves the filthiest of photographic mediums, Polaroids. The creepy little voyeur in you will sing, and waste half a work day.

R. Kelly Will Have a Worse Today Than You, Guaranteed

2008-05-09T13:01:00Z

Ok, we can almost guarantee that R. Kelly will have a worse day than you, because after six long years of putting it off for this reason or that closet, his child pornography trial will supposedly begin today, as scheduled. But would you believe us if we told you he tried to delay it, yet again?

Because he did. His lawyers claimed that there was already too much media attention surrounding the trial:

Kelly's defense team hopes the judge will delay the proceedings based on their contention that recent news coverage has made it impossible for the singer to have a fair trial. In a sealed motion filed Wednesday, Kelly's attorneys cite weekend stories describing closed-door hearings in which Cook County Judge Vincent Gaughan ruled a woman could testify to having had a three-way sexual encounter with Kelly and the alleged victim in the video tape.

R. (is it okay if we call you "R?"), when the going gets tough, just remember that you can do anything you put your mind to. Plus, it's Friday and think of all the kinky kitchen sex you can get in between tonight and Monday.

P.S. We totally sang that in our high school chamber choir.

[Chicago Tribune: After nearly six years, R. Kelly child pornography trial seems like a go]

Howard Stern Contest Gets Connecticut Teacher Fired

2008-05-09T12:30:00Z

Does the King of All Media owe Southington, CN CT second-grade teacher Marie Jarry anything after publishing photos of her participating in an on-the-air "Ugliest Guy, Hottest Wife" contest -- which then got her fired? We kind of don't think so. She already won five grand, first off. Second off, she probably signed something that said "Pictures of you WILL be put on HowardStern.com," right? Third... what? Like, no one was supposed to know? He's not the KING OF SOME MEDIA! It's ALL MEDIA! Someone. Will. Find out.

Sloppy Seconds: Who Else is Making Out With Drew Barrymore's Boyfriend?

2008-05-08T22:21:00Z

The best way to get a job in this economy? Start a website about how much you suck. [AdRants]

Whoopi Goldberg will host the 2008 Tony's. [Yahoo!]

George Clooney and his lady friend love Rock of Love. [Us]

If you want your cyber friends to know more about you than they already do, you can now stream your iTunes playlist on Facebook. [Wired]

Perez Hilton has designed a line of clothes for Hot Topic, which as one commenter points out, is kind-of genius. [MollyGood]

Big Love's Ginnifer Goodwin had a hard time making out with Drew Barrymore's boyfriend, Justin Long (also known as "Mac") on the set of their upcoming film "He's Just Not That Into You." [People]

Third Nipples: Everybody's Doing Them

2008-05-08T22:01:00Z

Today Scanner Katie got an interesting third-nipple related e-mail from Ideal Bite, a site which calls itself "a sassier shade of green" and offers tips on how to make your life greener.

Can you name the hunk rocking the third nipple to the right? And just how common are third nipples?

Apparently, 1 in 18 people has a third nipple, though they're usually mistaken for freckles or moles. Look at 17 of your friends' bare chests. If you can't find a third nipple on any of them, you're it. OK, now guess who the hunk is.

Tiny, Badass Woman Could Lift Your Entire Family Over Her Head

2008-05-08T21:30:00Z

This is Melanie Roach. She is incredible. More specifically...

Melanie Roach is a former gymnast who owns a gymnastics facility. Her husband is a state legislator. At 33, she is the mother of three young children, including 5-year-old Drew, who is autistic. And she can lift 238 pounds over her head.

That's right motherfuckers! She's trying to make it to the Olympics despite a herniated disc and a hyperextended elbow.

Here's video of her being awesome.

Commenting Will Get You Laid

2008-05-08T21:21:00Z

Let us rephrase: leaving thoughtful, civil comments will get you laid. Leaving mean, nasty comments will get you an STD. OK, while we have no proof to back any of this up, we believe it to be true. And we want to hear from you. We know there are a lot more people reading this here blog than commenting on it. So speak up.

What's Hiding in Her Boobs?

2008-05-08T21:01:00Z

Here's a hint, it looks delicious.

Answer:Japanese boob pudding. Not made of boobs necessarily, but definitely shaped like them.

Still confused. Yeah, so are we.

Here it is on the shelf:

Apparently the pudding tastes sweet and milky, natch.

"And Tango Makes Three" Penguins Make People Uncomfortable

2008-05-08T20:30:00Z

And Tango Makes Three has the honor of being at the top of the American Library Association’s (ALA) list of Most Challenged Books of 2007. Why is this children's book about a happy penguin family being pulled from schools and libraries and considered "Anti-Family?"

And Tango Makes Three is based on a true story-- a same-sex penguin couple Roy and Silo, raised their own chick from an adopted egg at New York's Central Park Zoo. The book, by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell, and illustrated by Henry Cole introduces us to Roy and Silo.

And in the penguin house there are penguin families. Every year at the very same time, the girl penguins start noticing the boy penguins. And the boy penguins start noticing the girls. When the right girl and the right boy find each other, they become a couple.... Two penguins in the penguin house were a little bit different. One was named Roy, and the other was named Silo. Roy and Silo were both boys. But they did everything together. They bowed to each other. And walked together. They sang to each other. And swam together. Wherever Roy went, Silo went too.

The book is trying to spread homosexuality among penguins and humans alike. Conservatives take the threat of penguin homosexuality so seriously, they exposed the fact that "ex-gay" Silo coupled with a female penguin, which they saw as proof that homosexuality can be cured. Focus on the Family, for instance, said

It’s very misleading, and it’s a very disingenuous, inaccurate way to promote a political agenda to little kids. What they’re not telling kids is that the supposedly gay penguin who is the star of this story later mated with a female penguin in real life.

Before you diss Silo as selling out and going straight, in all fairness, Silo and Roy were in it to win it for six years. And that means that Tango had a nuclear gay penguin family until she was five.

Spencer Pratt Knows a Thing or Seven About Initiating Anal Sex

2008-05-08T20:23:00Z

Hey, yo, you know who we really want to imagine doing the stinky samba? Spencer Pratt, of course. In honor of Pratt being such a desireable anal sex partner, let's look at what he told Radar Magazine and the world about how to initiate back door loving with the object of your affection.

Spence, when's a good time to ask for anal?

If you're dating a guy, right away. If you're dating girl, I think you'll know pretty quick if she's into that. If they're not bringing it up, it's not something on their agenda. That's just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, "If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it's cool."

Who knew Dirty Phi gave such reasonable sex and relationship advice? Thank God Pratt has found such a level headed mentor.