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Oh, Happy Day! Or, Time to Update Your Bookmarks

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:14:00 GMT

Hey there, Scanners.

Scanner Emily here with some news you can use: we have updated our software. Yes, when you jump, you'll jump to the correct place, when you click "back" you'll end up where you were before. Can you even believe it?! Neither can we. But this means if you want to keep getting your daily dose of WTF, you must update your bookmarks and blog readers to this link.

You hear? There will be no more posts at this URL —no more Scanner Emily, Brian, Colleen, Ina or Drew. You'll just look at this post forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. So please, please, please visit the NEW and IMPROVED Super Scanner and update your bookmarks and blog readers accordingly.

Go there now. We'll see your sexy ass when you get there.

Thanks and love,

Scanner Emily

Racist Small Town Hoodlums Getting Away with Murder

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 17:10:00 GMT

Brandon Piekarsky entering court before his acquittal on third-degree murder charges. Piekarsky's level of involvement in the killing is unclear, as he wasn't believed to have helped in the beating.

On July 12th, in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania, a group of white teenagers were walking home when they came across a young Hispanic man in the park with a teenage girl. One of them yelled out, "Isn't it a little late for you to be out? Get your Mexican boyfriend out of here."

The Mexican man, whose name was Luis Ramirez, became enraged and screamed back at them and began calling for backup. Eighteen-year-old Brian Scully then traded punches with Ramirez, with no one ever agreeing on how the fight actually got started. Derrick Donchak, then 19, jumped on top of the badly-beaten Ramirez and, with a piece of metal between his knuckles, began pummeling Ramirez's face. Miraculously, Ramirez was able to recover and the boys ran off, hurling more racial slurs back as they ran. This enraged Ramirez, who chased after them until a quick blow to the head from Colin Walsh, a 17-year-old component of the all-white group, wiped him out. While Ramirez was down, Scully (it is said by witnesses) kicked Ramirez in the head, causing him to foam at the mouth and convulse. He died as a result of that brutal blow.

At the boys' trial, no one seemed to dispute these facts (except which boy did what.) Nonetheless, the jury acquitted the accused of third degree murder and various other charges while convicting them of simple assault. The defendants and their families emerged from the courtroom triumphant, while legal observers say this was on obvious miscarriage of justice:

"There's been a complete failure of justice," said Gladys Limon, staff attorney for the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund, who attended the trial and informed Ramirez's family of the verdict. "It's just outrageous and very difficult to understand how any juror could have had reasonable doubt."

She said the evidence "clearly established that Luis Ramirez was brutally beaten."

Prosecutors cast Ramirez as the victim of a gang of drunken white teens motivated by a dislike of their small coal town's burgeoning Hispanic population. But the jury evidently sided with defense attorneys, who called Ramirez the aggressor and characterized the brawl as a street fight that ended tragically. [New York Daily News]
As Avery Friedman argues persuasively in the video from CNN yesterday, this was a pretty clear-cut case of jury nullification: the weight of evidence against the accused was so powerful that it's clear the all-white jury -- like similar juries in the South during the Civil Rights struggle -- was not going to convict two young white men of murdering a Mexican. Even if, as Friedman says, "the only reason he is dead is because he was Mexican." [Crooks and Liars]

Now, some activists are putting pressure on the state's Democratic Governor, Ed Rendell, to speak out about the hate crime. They believe the worst is still to come from a town that is almost 100% Caucasian and only 1% Hispanic...

Related:

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Why Can't Michelle Obama Be Naked For Art?

Drew Grant — Fri, 15 May 2009 16:43:00 GMT

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, France’s hottie first lady, is on display in her birthday suit alongside strippers, pin-up girls, and Dita Von Tease at a Paris art auction. Unfortunately, it’s only a nude drawing of the former model: But if you don’t remember Carla’s nudie stir when these pictures surfaced last year, you obviously haven’t been paying attention. The pic sold for $91,000, though the drawing probably will only go for $3,000-4,000…either because of art deprecation or because a picture is only worth a thousand words, not one hundred thousand euro.

The Original photo:

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Emily Farris — Fri, 15 May 2009 16:12:00 GMT

[Image]

PETA's Insane Sexiest Vegetarian Alive Voting

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 15:37:00 GMT

The People For the Ethical Treatment of Tasty Animals, already riding a small wave of publicity from its Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door (read: "nobody activists") competition, has decided to steal a page from People Magazine and follow-up with The Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (read: "celebrities.")

We're pretty sure that they nominated, um, every single vegetarian in Hollywood...

See what we mean at this link. The lists, separated by gender, are far too epic to reproduce here. We've narrowed it down for you, with our favorites, with some tasty photo spreads to help ya out...

The Women:
Alyssa Milano

Bryce Dallas Howard
Christie Brinkley
Cloris Leachman
Emmy Rossum

Erykah Badu

Hayden Panettiere
Jenna Jameson (!)
Kristen Wiig
Thora Birch

The Men:
Alec Baldwin
Anthony Kiedis
Casey Affleck

Forest Whitaker
Jared Leto
Kevin Bacon
Leonard Nimoy
Morrissey
Prince

Thom Yorke
Tobey Maguire

And just so you know: as of this writing, Kevin Bacon's leading everyone. Hot damn, who'da thunk it? (Last year, the winner was Anthony Kiedis, which was indeed a surprise to us.)

Related:

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New Bra Makes Your Boobs Look Bigger When You’re Turned On

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:34:00 GMT

A new bra being sold overseas claims that, thanks to memory foam and natural sweat, it can boost your bosom when you're getting in the mood.

As if you needed another reason for men to stare at your breasts...

The bra, being sold this summer in the range of 25 English pounds, is the work of the Lisca lingerie company, out of Slovenia. (They're apparently the largest manufacturer in Eastern Europe and once used Donald Trump's latest wife as their spokesmodel-- if that helps you decide.)

The magic bra detects changes in body temperature brought on by sexual arousement and squeezes boobs together to create a bigger cleavage.

They are also able to automatically adapt to different temperatures to provide women with the perfect fit no matter how nippy it gets.

Special expanding foam in the cups will loosen or tighten to adapt to the size of the wearer’s breasts as they get hotter.

“It’s healthier than an ordinary bra because it will always provide the perfect fit,” said a company spokesman.

While we find it hard to believe women will see the need to accentuate their cleavage at specific intervals, the comfort factor has got to be pretty high with these things, no?

Via the Sun.

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While You Were Sleeping: Paul Newman’s Gay Affair

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Free mp3’s from the likes of She & Him, Robyn Hitchcock, and Shawn Mullins can be yours if you donate so much as one dollar to save Paste Magazine.

We really feel bad for this woman who cried in her mugshot photo, even though she put up an ad on an elevator wall offering sex for money and gave out her real phone number.

Tom Hanks is upset his Angels and Demons sex scene was cut for the PG-13 rating.

John Mayer sends text messages that say “I want to tuck you in” when he really means a word that starts with “f” instead of “t,” according to the ever-reliable New York Post.

Hey Brits– the best breasts are in Yorkshire.

Gerard Butler has been charged with beating up a pap.

Shanna Moakler asked Carrie Prejean to “stop lying.”

And a new book claims Paul Newman and James Dean slept together. That seems believable– if we were forced at gunpoint to have sex with another man, it would have to be one of these two in their prime.

Sloppy Seconds: Free Viagra!

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Spring Awakening—the musical that made more than $57 million in the United States and made anyone who went to see it with his or her parents very uncomfortable—is closing in London after only five months. [FlavorWire]

Um, what kind of high school lets the yearbook team publish an upskirt photo? [BuzzFeed]

A new development in the Jon and Kate Plus Eight saga: Jon may not have been the only one allegedly cheating. Apparently, he had long feared that his wife was having an affair with her married bodyguard. [Us]

Ashley Olsen isn't the only woman modeling men's clothing. [AfterEllen]

Could Johnny Depp play Frank Sinatra in the movies? [Vulture]

Elizabeth Edwards will talk about her husband John's mistress, as long as no one mentions her name. [Yahoo!]

Just because you don't have a job, or health insurance, doesn't mean you shouldn't have your Viagra. Pfizer has s unveiled a new program will let people who have lost their jobs and health insurance keep taking some widely prescribed Pfizer medications—including Lipitor and Viagra—for free for up to a year. [Yahoo!]

Related:

Ashley Olsen Takes Off Men's Clothes to Sell Them

It's Not Looking Good for Jon and Kate

[Image]

Who Would You Rather: Kate vs. Juliet?

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 22:06:00 GMT

Okay, we don't want to give up too much about last night's LOST season finale (but hello! Jacob! WTF?!?!), but after watching Sawyer's breakdown, we have to ask, who would you rather, Kate or Juliet?

Related:

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America's Top 10 Limpest Cities

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:33:00 GMT

We're obviously having too much fun with these lists, but we don't want to be too cruel. So, America's limpest cities after the jump.

10. Omaha, NE
9. Modesto, CA
8. Bakersfield, CA
7. Anchorage, AK
6. Oklahoma City, OK
5. Fort Worth, TX
4. Arlington, TX
3. Charelston, WV
2. Lubbock, TX
1. Tulsa, OK

Arlington, TX, ranked fourth on the list, and according to Men's Health it's the third best city in which to find a single man. Iiiinteresting.

[Men's Health: Metrogrades]

Related:

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Take Him to Detroit: America's 11 Most Depressing Places

[Image]

Celibate Priest Publishes Sex Advice Book

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:54:00 GMT

It's being touted as "The Catholic Karma Sutra," which is hilarious enough to warrant its own story. The book is by a man who goes by the name of Father Ksawery Knotz, and he's a celibate monk residing in Poland, where his book is selling like sexy hotcakes.

But what does some monk, probably a virgin, know about fornicating? And don't say "depends on if it's with young boys..."

Sex As You Don't Know It: For Married Couples Who Love God is heating up Poland's bestseller lists but, thankfully, several international publications were able to obtain copies. Between two or three of them, we put together a compendium of classic quotes from the text:

"Every act -- a type of caress, a sexual position -- with the goal of arousal is permitted and pleases God.

"During sexual intercourse, couples can show their love in every way, can offer one another the most sought-after caresses."

"Contrary to common belief, the Church does not ban the pleasures of the flesh.”

Husbands must "take care that women experience pleasure... [requiring] extra efforts on the part of the husband."

"Oral Sex is Moral" reads the headline for one chapter, when translated into English

One news source adds: "He says that there is a lot of negative talk about sex in the church, and in his book he wants to reject everything negative and compares it to a football match. Fouls are not allowed, but sex is matches in various leagues. They can be great like in the Premier League, or boring like some local match, he explains. Besides that, the priest considers oral sex and caressing totally normal."

His website, in Polish is apparently here. Sourced from here and here and here.

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Oldest Piece of Art Determined to Be Pornographic

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:22:00 GMT

Archeologists may have found the oldest piece of "art" in existence: A sculpture of Venus de Milo dating back 35,000 years ago. That's approximately 5,000 years before the next Venus knockoffs! So what were the standards for a perfect woman back in the day?

The short, squat torso is dominated by oversize breasts and broad buttocks. The split between the two halves of the buttocks is deep and continuous without interruption to the front of the figurine. A greatly enlarged vulva emphasizes the “deliberate exaggeration” of the figurine’s sexual characteristics, Dr. Conard said.
(...)By modern standards, he said, the figurine’s blatant sexuality “could be seen as bordering on the pornographic.”

Luckily, artistic cavepeople weren't hindered by the Moral Majority Coalition telling them that their statues were sexually deviant pieces of trash.

(Via)

Did You Miss The Sex Workers' Art Show Tour?

Dog Sh*t Art Piece Floats Away, Lands In Children's Home

Take Him to Detroit: America's 11 Most Depressing Places

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:46:00 GMT

This really ain't Michigan's week, is it? First, some dumbass ex-Mayor was arrested for having an extramarital affair in the middle of the street. Then, we made a mean joke about the Detroit Free Press and it's sex advice column, complete with a newspaper headline that says, "Detroit Blows." Now, comes word that Business Insider is further driving down the state's property values by including two MI cities on its list of the most depressing places in America.

Cheer up and enjoy this sprightly little list...

11. Stockton, CA. Stockton actually topped the recent Forbes list of the 10 worst places to live in the country, which is somehow different than "depressing." At that time, we commented: "The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here." It turns out that they Mayor has the town in an uproar for trying to unload his condo/apartment with a short sale.

10. Flint, MI. Business Insider calls Michael Moore's favorite city "an impoverished, depressing dump." In the 20 years since Roger & Me, no one claims the city has improved its quality of life, so we're going to have to assume BI is right to include it here.

9. Wichita, KS. Apparently, the only city with worse dating opportunities for young people is Kansas City, Missouri. And even though one of the scariest serial murderers in history, the BTK Killer, has been brought to justice, a cloud of dread hangs over the city like so many horrific tornadoes of the past... or something.

8. Alpharetta, GA. What the hell is Alpharetta, GA? "Alpharetta, a suburb of Atlanta, is the bank-failure capital of the U.S. Three banks based in Alpharetta--NetBank, Integrity Bancshares and Alpha Bank & Trust--failed in just 13 months. That's more than any other single town in America." Oh, that Alpharetta, GA....

7. West Palm Beach, FL. Business Week claims there really isn't a terrible place to live in Florida, while we insist all of Florida is terrible. If you want to live somewhere warm, move to a tropical island-- most people in FL just end up the source of hilarious news for the rest of the country. Speaking of hilarious, check out this bizarro ad for a company called Condo Vultures Realty. It's apparently real.

6. Kokomo, IN is not the place The Beach Boys told you-- not by any means. It has a staggering 20% unemployment rate (wonder how much that rises when you factor in the "real unemployment rate" in this country, which is somewhere around 15% now) and is likely to go down with the Titanic that is the nation's auto industry. If you ever needed a reason to move to Indiana... well, you won't find it here.

5. Mahoning Valley, OH. Really, this one's all about Youngstown-- formerly a great steel and mining community, Youngstown is now almost as violent as New Orleans or Brooklyn when the subway stops running. Check this out: "Car bombings were so frequent that they became known as 'a Youngstown tuneup.'" Can an HBO series be far off?

4. Yuma, AZ. Sporting highs in the 60's and 70's all winter long, it's no wonder many Arizonians have winter homes there. Somehow this hasn't translated into year-round employment for the sleepy town, which has jobless numbers rivaling (and often topping) a little place called Kokomo. You wouldn't know it from the Wikipedia page, but Business Week claims this is the unemployment capital of the country. Ouch.

3. East St. Louis, IL. Jesus Christ, who the hell actually lives in East St. Louis these days? GET OUT.

2. Inland Empire, CA. David Lynch's favorite place on earth-- need you hear anymore? It's also responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- or, should we say, dumbassery is what's responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- as they bought up a real estate company in the area shortly before the whole area's value dropped by an unfathomable 60%.

And #1... you knew it was coming, my Detroit friends, so let's get on with it:

1. Detroit, MI. Why is Detroit in such dire straits? Sure, the auto industry is all shot to hell these days (and probably permanently)-- but is that enough to make this the most depressing place in America? No, this figure is: "The average home price in Detroit is just $7,500 because no one wants to live there. The continuing catastrophe that is the US auto industry has reduced this onetime industrial behemoth to a nearly perfect picture of decrepitude. Last year when the murder rate dropped in the city, the mayor joked that the reason was that 'there is no one left to kill.'" The only thing wrong with this quote is the word "joked"-- everyone nodded knowingly when he said it. Then he went to jail for perjury... and it wasn't even big news because... no one cares about Detroit. Sorry, kids.

Via Business Insider.

Believe It Or Not, One of the Best Sex Advice Columns is Brought to You By... Detroit

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Ashley Olsen Takes Off Men's Clothes to Sell Them

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:13:00 GMT

To promote her own menswear line, Ashley Olsen stripped down to her bra and some trousers for the magazine V Man.

So what kind of clothes does Miss O like on a man?

“To touch a man who has a soft sweater on, a soft pant, a great jacket, or something that, as a woman, I want to take off him and put on and feel sexy in.”

[The Inquisitr: Ashley Olsen Strips to Promote Mens Clothing Line]

Related:

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[Image]

Top 50 Pairs of Perfect Breasts

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:38:00 GMT

The Sun must be filled with boob men: Yesterday we saw them interview Norma Stitz and her gigantic rack, and today they've compiled a list of the best jugs and hooters in the world. And yes, they included NSFW pics, thank god.

Lolo Ferreira, once-owner the world's biggest pair of tits (Stitz only has the biggest natural pair)

Keeley Hazell, some Brit famed for her "Page 3" status (I guess that's like our Page 6, but with more tits?)

Maxi Mounds, who is the current owner of the biggest hooters...well, who has the world's smallest?

Becy and Mel, the first ever lesbian Page 3 duo

Tara Reid...on this list for some unknown reason

Peta Todd, another Page 3 Girl

The rest of the nature's most perfect presents can be found here.

(Via)

Yes, Ma'am(aries)! Royal Army Corproal Busted For Moonlighting As Expensive Hooker

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

Transgender Marriage Struck Down By the Great State of Tennessee

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:08:00 GMT

In November 2007, a man and a woman walked into county clerk's office in Davidson County, Tennessee. Both had driver's licenses identifying them as "opposite marriage people"-- or, in logical land terms, a man and a woman. They were quickly married and promptly forgotten about by the state...

...until this past March, when a woman named Jo T. Rittenberry was arrested in a different county for assault and fraud. The police determined that she was actually a man and notified the state's marriage board, which this month invalidated the marriage from November 2007. In their announcement to the press, the state said that it doesn't matter if Rittenberry is male or female-- she was born a male, and thus this was a same sex-marriage, which is illegal...

While we strongly disagree with the judgment by the state-- there are more both-sex babies born in this world than people know and there's no valid reason to stop a gay marriage in the first place-- it couldn't have helped that Rittenberry, well... didn't really have sexual reassignment surgery, at least not successfully:

Rittenberry was born a man but identifies as a woman and claims to have had sex reassignment surgery. Although Rittenberry's Tennessee driver's license and Kentucky birth certificate say "female," both the Montgomery County Jail and the clinic where Rittenberry claims to have had surgery insist that Rittenberry is still biologically a man. [The clinic claims no operation was performed, according to the AP.]
"The marriage is real to me," Rittenberry said in a jail interview. "I could care less about the system. I just wanted me and Jeff to be together. He wanted to marry me and I said 'yes.'" [Leaf Chronicle]

Meanwhile, there's this story out of China:

Fu Shitou met Wei Jinhua through his sister-in-law and eventually the two got married. Recently, after three years of marriage, the couple had a doozer of a fight and Wei stormed out. Wei wandered the streets of Zhechuan in China until, by a series of unfortuate misadventures, she was picked up by police and strip searched! Hmm, that’s when the police discovered Wei was a he and not a she! Oh dear, I don’t know who broke the news to Fu but he was just as surprised as the police. Fu later confessed he had never had sex with his wife. OK, surely the fact that the toilet seat was never down…???? [Friggin' Loon]

Yes, if you're not going to ever consummate the relationship, you should at least peek at her when she's in the shower to find out for sure...

Seriously, though, we don't know what to make of either of these stories... more via the Nashville Post.

Australian Family Association in Desperate Need of Vibrators

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Second Carrie Prejean Topless Photo Released... Will This Nightmare Ever End?

Snake Emerges From Toilet, Bites Man's Penis

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 17:38:00 GMT

A 51-year-old Tiwannese man was minding his business, literally, when he felt a "knife-like pain" and jumped up from the toilet. When he looked down, he saw a lot more than his business in the bowl.

A "rat snake" had come through the plumbing system—possibly through a crack in the lid of the septic tank—and made its way to the man's toilet, and then to his penis.

"I felt an excruciating pain in my lower body, like someone had stabbed me with a knife, shortly after sitting on the toilet bowl," the man told the Taipei Times. And he was incredibly calm about the whole thing.

"It was the snake's signal for help when it bit me, he said. "If it hadn't maybe it would have been stuck in the septic tank and either suffocated or starved to death. It looked like an accident but it was actually fate."

Fate for him, another thing for the rest of us to be freaked out about every time we sit down on the toilet for the rest of our lives.

[Telegraph: Taiwanese man bitten on penis by snake while on toilet]

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[Image]

Alec Baldwin's Sexy Gifts

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Thank god for Alec Baldwin and his tough-love persona. After what happened in 2007 with TMZ and that audio-tape they released where he's goes off on his daughter, the man is still cool enough to poke fun at being a cranky old dad who wants to throw his teenage girl into a volcano. Oh, which is all to say that Alec Baldwin was on Letterman last night, talking about the "marital aids" he gave David for his wedding.

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Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean: A Beauty Pageant Publicity Stunt Made in Hell

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:37:00 GMT

Remember that mockumentary Drop Dead Gorgeous with Kirsty Allie and Kirsten Dunst, directed by Michael Patrick Jann (who was that one weird-looking member of The State who never had any lines?). That movie was basically a real-life doc on this story about Sarah Palin and Miss "I Hate Homos, but I love Stripping for Cash" California, Carrie Prejean:

Now Palin has said (and I quote), that she too knows the sting of "the liberal onslaught of malicious attacks." Um, what? Sorry, we couldn't hear you all the way up there in your state of irrelevance. But maybe if you and Prejean decided to team up and do some kind of nude reality show/beauty contest...

In Light of Recent Boob Photos, Trump Lets Prejean... Stay?

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

New Mom Dropped By Insurer For Being Slightly Overweight

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:04:00 GMT

The insurance company worried that it would have to take care of children like the ones picture above, based on no evidence other than the mother they were carrying tipped the scales at over 200 pounds.

Anna Holten is a 26-year-old Swedish woman. She stands at about 5' 4" (169cm) and weighs about 220 pounds (100 kg), giving her a BMI of 35. Apparently, this was too much for her insurance company, which dropped her to great public controversy...

Upon learning of her rejection, Holten contacted the Trygg-Hansa risk analyst to explain that she was still trying to work off the weight she gained while pregnant.

“You should have lost the weight by now,” the analyst told her.

According to Trygg-Hansa product manager Björn Sporrong, people with a BMI of 35 are “extremely overweight” and right at his company’s limit for granting coverage.

“Exceedingly overweight people run a significantly higher risk for suffering from many serious diseases,” he told Expressen.

Trygg-Hansa spokesperson Malou Sjörin concurred.

“Even if you’re not sick today, you can be in the future,” Sjörin told the Metro newspaper.

These people wouldn't be able to find anyone to insure if they moved to America-- 220 pounds at 5' 4" is barely considered "overweight" in some states. But that doesn't mean they were wrong to drop Ms. Holden, mother of a seven-month-old baby... or does it?

Via the Local.

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Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:33:00 GMT

[Image]

One Final Request: 75-Year-Old Wants A Designer Vagina

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:57:00 GMT

Here's one of those stories The Sun probably pulled out of its ass one day at 4:55pm, the editors not even caring that it wasn't sourced:

A 75-year-old Russian woman has successfully undergone a vaginal operation to restore her genitals to a younger state. Yes-- "Nina M." has herself a state-of-the-art designer vag... and she plans on using it on you...

The randy Russian granny... said she wanted the trendy surgery to bag herself a young husband.
Dr Anna Uzunova said: “Usually such requests are from much younger women.
“But she wanted to have an active sex life despite her age so we agreed to do the operation and help her.”
Happy Nina was delighted with the results saying after the op: “I feel like a young woman again.”

As a young man currently between failed short term relationships, we ask Nina to please send an e-mail to scanner@nerve.com at her earliest convenience. No photograph required...

Via The Sun.

XXX Star Penny Flame Flames Out to Find Herself

A New Book About Sex, Geared For Toddlers And Up

Arizona University Paper Hosts Sex Advice Column, Silly Questions Ensue

Long Live the New Flesh

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Desperate Living

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:24:00 GMT

Holly Madison rebounded from Hugh Hefner with... Russell Brand?

We have to agree: this or any other ad for the pill is going to piss off the stuffy-butthole-people.

A quick thinking teenage boy saved his 4-year-old sister from being kidnapped when he actually raced after and caught up to the truck she was being driven off in.

Another teenage boy, who needs to spend more time thinking, is going to jail for setting another guy's dick and balls on fire.

This is gonna be grand: Martin Scorsese is making a movie about Sinatra.

Elton John was there for Eminem in his hour of need, helping him through the painful process of rehab.

Emily mentioned this yesterday: Shanna Moakler resigned from the pageant board following yesterday's press conference on Carrie Prejean. Did you know that she was also Miss USA and a Playboy centerfold? Hmmm...

The marriage bra is... uh... useless? A major turnoff? Creepy? Stupid? All of the above and more?

Lindsay Lohan's house is in such shit shape, complete with garbage everywhere, that the police thought it had been ransacked when they responded to a tripped alarm.

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Ellen Stagg's Party

Colleen Kane — Thu, 14 May 2009 13:52:00 GMT

The Independent Film Channel, aka IFC: No longer just the cable channel where you can watch Clerks again and again. Now you can go to their website and watch photographer Ellen Stagg shoot erotic nudes of Joanna Angel and other adult film stars, on the web documentary series The Stagg Party.

There's not a whole lot more to the series than that. Stagg has some interesting color to add about her work, and the models, not as much. Here are a few of our favorite Ellen Stagg shots from IFC's Stagg Party gallery.

View The Stagg Party here.

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This Bollywood Sexpot Won't Publicly Condone Rubber-Wearing

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 13:01:00 GMT

Look, we're not saying that women shouldn't have the right to turn down one type of public service ad when they've already stripped for PETA, but we seriously don't get Bollywood skin star Sherlyn Chopra's decision to not do a fully clothed condom commercial in India because she needs to be "prudent in (her) choice of roles." So you're willing to take off your top for animal rights, and got kicked off the Indian equivalent of Big Brother for demanding cameras in the bathroom(???), but you can't even agree to a non-nude health ad? Does not compute. Especially after a quick Google search of Chopra's name and her movie titles (Red Swastik) turns up such luscious results. Hey, it's like we always say: Hate the brain, not the booty.

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Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden are having a boy. [FadedYouth]

For the third time in a row a woman is The Biggest Loser. [People]

Ricky Gervais + Bambi = the best thing we've seen and heard all day. [BuzzFeed]

Shanna Moakler has resigned as Miss California pageant director in the wake of the Carrie Prejean opposite-boob-marriage scandal. [Us]

Say what? Wanda Sykes just became the mother to twins? We had no idea that she and her wife were expecting, but on April 27, the couple welcomed a son and daughter. [People]

Do You Like... Jumbo?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Since no one in their right mind watches MTV anymore, we're guessing none of you have ever seen these condom PSA's the network has been running.

Here we have the complete 3-minute rundown of all the puppet porn hilarity... never has the term "pee-pee" been used to such great effect outside of the world of six-year-old boys...

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Video of Jessica Biel Nude Scenes in Powder Blue, Compiled!

Drew Grant — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Jessica Biel may be too busy crunching her abs or making sweet, sweet love to Justin Timberlake to comment on the apparently excessive nudity featured in her new film, Powder Blue, but that didn't stop some genius from putting together a montage of all Biel's best "acting," moments in the Christma-hooker drama. Watch her strip to Cat Power (no seriously, Biel got duped into starring in my freshman year boyfriend's Cinema 101 project), after the jump.

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Give a Steamy Goodbye to CraigsList's Erotic Services

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:39:00 GMT

We didn't think it was really going to happen, but the Powers that Be at CraigsList have folded under pressure to remove "erotic services" from the site.

In place of "erotic services" will be a new category called “adult services," which the site's employees will vet for activity that violates CraigsList's terms of service. Each posting will cost $10, with a $5 reposting fee. While this may satiate some state's officials, who have been urging the site to close the section since the CraigsList Murder last month, New York's attorney general is calling the concession "half baked."

“Rather than work with this office to prevent further abuses, in the middle of the night, Craigslist took unilateral action which we suspect will prove to be half-baked," Mr. Cuomo said in a statement.

But according to Jim Buckingham, chief executive of Craigslist, legal pressure had nothing to do with the change.

“In striking this new balance we have sought to incorporate important feedback from all the groups that have expressed strongly held views on this subject, including some of the state A.G.s, free speech advocates and legal businesses who are accustomed to being entitled to advertise,” Mr. Buckmaster said.

Perhaps a few good things will come of this, including the fact that San Francisco-based CraigsList is going to have to hire new staff to peruse the ads. Hmm...

[NYT: Craigslist Makes Changes to Sex Ads]

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Maxim's Ten Sexiest Women of 2009

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:01:00 GMT

It's that time of the year again, apparently: publicists have bribed, starlets have stripped, dudes have drooled, and Maxim men have spoken: the 100 sexiest women of the year, as voted by guys who equate skankiness with sex appeal, are here for your leering amusement...

10. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Just a few weeks ago, it seems, men were dissing The Ghost Whisperer for her "cellulite thighs." Ah, but how quickly does Photoshop make one forget...

9. Jordana Brewster. She was in the recent Fast & Furious blockbuster sensation. Yep... moving on...

8. Rihanna. Here's a woman we go back and forth on all the time. While she's arguably very sexy at time, we were in a Best Buy recently and caught a live DVD of hers on one of the monitors. Besides Britney Spears, we've never seen a pop star perform so lifelessly and in fitting tribute to how awful her manufactured music is. She could've at least pretended those songs would stand the tests of time...

7. Adriana Lima. The writers don't help their cause by calling Lima hotter than Gisele Bundchen, her Brazillian/Victoria's Secret counterpart. Lima is one hot mama, but you'd have to be crazy to think anyone can compete with Gisele, arguably the last of the supermodels.

6. Eliza Dushku. We predicted, what with the relatively inexplicable press she gets from these men's magazines, Dushku would've topped this year's charts. Guess Dollhouse is going to get canceled after all...

5. Mila Kunis. Here's one we can get behind-- not in that way, sicko. When Kunis stepped away from the shadows of That 70's Show, she was reborn as full-blown, modern-day sex bomb with more than half-a-brain. Thank God, because her sex appeal as the dumpy dippy hippie chick on That Show was a bit overrated...

4. Malin Akerman. Another wise choice, although we much prefered the Watchmen star with the Uma Thurman-in-Pulp Fiction dark 'do.

3. Bar Rafaeli. Without question, Leonardo DiCaprio's paramour (seen at the top of this post) is the breakout modeling sensation of 2009. In just the last five months, she's graced the cover of The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar, created one fake "cheating" scandal, and landed in the top 3 of Maxim's countdown, all without a single mainstream media interview or mention in an SNL skit. However, we're predicting she's a token choice, to be replaced next year by the next manufactured sensation.

2. Megan Fox. You knew last year's #1 would be this year's #2-- that's just the way it goes... they wouldn't sell any magazines if it was the same old used-up 18-year-old every time, right? (Kidding.) Obviously, the polls closed prior to yesterday's announcement that Fox has officially called herself "bi-sexual," as that might have skewed the vote from that, uh, demographic.

1. Olivia Wilde. "The pulse-quickening internist played by Olivia Wilde on House, M.D. is named Thirteen (which we presume is out of 10) and has a terminal illness that causes her to dabble in drugs and casual sex." Maxim then tries to make a case that "ah, we see her first!" by citing a series of walk-on roles in shows like The O.C. They should have used her real name to excite themselves over instead: "Olivia Jane Cockburn." By the way, believe it or not, but Wilde is only 25 years old-- doesn't she look much more mature, in a good way, of course?

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