Scanner : 2008

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye Will Pose Nude (Don't Worry, He'll Keep His Sunglasses On)

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Earlier this week Patrick Swayze was telling us he had two to five years to live. Today he was hospitalized for pneumonia. [Yahoo!]

Tom Cruise's Golden Globes date? Katie Holmes' dad. Weird. [Us]

Uh! You guys! This is so not fair! The media is being way nicer to Caroline Kennedy than it was to Sarah Palin. (Don't take it personally Sarah, it's just that everyone in media has been laid off, that's all.) [DailyIntel]

Nerve alum Will Doig rounds up the year in sex. [The Daily Beast]

Ummmmmmmmm.... [People]

"I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I'll pose naked. I'll break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture," Kanye West told Vibe. We can't say we're not looking forward to that. [MTV]

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Kanye West On SNL: Can't Sing, Won't Sing

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In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

Read more...

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Read more...

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Read more...

We Think Your New Year's Resolution Should Be to Comment More

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 23:22:00 GMT

Hey, you. Scanner Emily, here. Now that we've put 2008 behind us, let us all resolve to communicate a little more. It's true that some of you have left such awful comments I've been up all night with anxiety. I think someone even made me cry once, many moons ago. But my skin, and the skin of my fellow bloggers, has thickened, plus I've hopefully sent enough threatening emails to the assholes to weed out the worst.

So, come, share, talk amongst yourselves. And if you see something you think we should be writing about, send us a tip.

Thanks and happy new year.

Related: Commenting Will Get You Laid

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PapSmeared: Britney Left Her Bra in 2008, Picked Up a Shirt From 1997

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:28:00 GMT

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Tampon Ad Is Australia's Most-Complained About of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Idiots everywhere raved about it: "I think the beaver ad is fantastic! i couldn't stop laughing when i saw the ad -good on you guys!!!!!" "This was cheeky and effective. Well done!" "Congratulations! What a fantastic advertising campaign!" Uh, yeah... because people write to companies they hardly know and applaud their advertising department, suuure.

So, it should come as no surprise that Kimberly-Clark testimonials on behalf of their "Beaver" ad campaign are obvious fakes... and certainly not after you see the ad, rated as the year's #1 Most Complained About Commercial, which came close to being yanked in Australia:

Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if people complained because this ad was mind-numbingly obvious and an insult to our intelligence, instead of for offending Puritans with strict mores?

Via YouTube.

Regarding The Facebook, It's Time for Plan B (Facebook the Sh*t Out of Facebook)

The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

A Beaver Is A Woman's Best Friend (In Australia)

Because It Is a Painfully Slow News Day, And We Want To

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 19:44:00 GMT

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Scanner Emily's Burlesque Fantasy Comes True, Sort Of

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Our Favorite Leftover Photos of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 16:41:00 GMT

While hunting stories on the internet, we often stumble across a photograph that doesn't work as a story in itself. Case in point, this shot of a naked man fleeing the police in Japan, which we included in an utterly irrelevant post about the vicar with the potato stuck in his butthole.

Then there are photos which never get used for any story, yet we can't bear to delete them, so they sit all yearlong in the Nerve Photos folder on our desktop. Because, even this late in the game, we can't bear to dispose of them in the proper computer trash bin, here they are for your insatiable amusement:

Related:

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Lingerie Football Linebacker Sues Ex For Leaking Her Nude Photos

Sasha Grey Completely Naked in New American Apparel Ad

A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

What Your Areolas Say About You

"Could you make sure that her areolas aren't showing?"

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

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See You Next Year, Suckers!

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:14:00 GMT

Tomorrow I, Scanner Emily, will take advantage of my ~~God~~ Rufus-given day off—well, my two Rufus-given days off—to drink too much and then recover from drinking too much (which may involve drinking too much again). However, there's no need to panic; as I've mentioned before, Scanner Brian needs to blog at least every other day to survive, so you'll be spending tomorrow with him. But when that lovemaking is all said and done, what will you do?

Do you plan to pay a ridiculous cover at some scene-y bar with the high hopes of having crazy New Year's bathroom sex? Or will you, like me, refuse to even step out the front door? Considering that The Ghost of New Years' Past has taken me on so many exciting adventures*, I'm happy to cozy up with a few close friends and more than a few bottles of bubbly. Perhaps it will still end in crazy bathroom sex. Wouldn't you want to have sex in this bathroom?

See you next year... when I'll hopefully tell you all about how the Kahlua ended up in the clawfoot tub.

*2001: On I-70 leaving the crappiest New Year's party ever
2002: Hugging a four-pack of Charmin on the D train, crying
2004: Getting punched in the vagina
2008: Passed out while the cat peed on me because I had closed off the litter box during my "party"

Related:

Hey You, Happy New Year

Back in Two and Two

While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Are you guys doing the inaugural? Good luck surviving the stampede.

The nitwit who dared to have sex on a beach in Dubai spoke out about his ordeal. (Not the sex-- the other ordeal.)

Bet you'll never guess why a man shot and killed a sex shop worker... oh wait, you will, and likely on the first try:

A man has shot and wounded a saleswoman in a Russian sex shop after the impotence tablets he bought failed to have the desired effect. [stuff.co.nz]

Ellie Nesler, the woman who killed her son's (accused) child molester, died.

Did your 2008 pass by in what felt like forty seconds? It will again, thanks to this snazzy video.

We rejoice at the sight of CNN giving out love advice because it just makes us look way more qualified than we really are.

This "sexy" (and sexist?) shopping bag "might put you in jail," according this blog.

Counterfeiters aren't even trying to make their money look real anymore, they're so desperate to have anything to pay with.

And Zooey Deschanel-- sniff, sniff-- is off the market, thanks to (Mystery Boyfriend Revealed) Ben Gibbard, of Death Cab For Cutie.

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

If we were guys who were into girls, we don't think we could come up with anything more dreamy than going on a karaoke date with Drew Barrymore. Lucky Jason Segel. [Us]

Jennifer Aniston's "Marley and Me" outsold her ex Brad Pitt's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" at the box office over the weekend, leaving us able to only mutter "nah nah nah nah boo boo." [FadedYouth]

We're actually sort-of surprised we haven't seen a VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) shirt sooner. [LustyLady]

Speaking of Sarah Palin, Tina Fey has been voted the Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year. [AP]

According to a new study out of the UK women who wear a U.K. size 14 are happier in life than their smaller and larger counterparts. Considering a size 14 in the UK is a size 10 here, that sounds about right. Right? [Jezebel]

Websites may soon be given cinema-style ratings. If it actually happens, you might need to be accompanied by your parent next time you visit Scanner. Meh, who are we kidding? You'll probably need to be 18 to enter. [TimesOnline]

Pete Wentz (and his penis!) continue to keep it classy. He recently tried wife Ashlee Simpson's breast milk and found it to taste "weird" and "sour." [Strollerderby]

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Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

You probably know Jon Favreau, the actor, screenwriter, director and all around guy we'd like to have over for breakfast. You may or may not be as familiar with the new Jon Favreau on the block: president elect Barack Obama's 27-year-old speech writer.

We'd go for the funny bearded (though we realize the error of the goatee in this case) burly guy over the Brad Pitt-esque suit any day—except today. The country is wet for Obama, and so are we. Fucking Obama's speech writer probably falls somewhere along the lines of making out with your crush's roommate in college. It gets you close enough to what you want and at least keeps you satisfied until you get it, or realize you're never going to get it.

So, who would you rather? Jon Favreau or Jon Favreau?

See their dueling Wikipedia entries here and here.

Related:

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Tim McGraw

News Anchor Fired After His Swingers Craigslist Ad Cracks Up The Office

CBC Apologizes for Calling Sarah Palin a "Porn Star"

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As If This Year Hasn't Dragged on Long Enough

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:41:00 GMT

Are you anxiously awaiting the end of 2008, ready to embark on a new year? Did you get your heart broken? Are you broke? Will the symbolism of the ball dropping on the ~~hell~~ zoo that is Times' Square help you wipe your slate clean or encourage you to not clean your plate at every meal? If any or all of the above apply to you (and most do to us if you've been paying any attention to this blog for the last year), you're going to have to wait just a little bit longer than you expected to ring in the new year.

But just a bit...

The world's "official timekeepers" (what kind of geek do you have to be to get that job?) have added a leap second to December 31.

Apparently the Earth's spin on its axis is slowing due to "tides and other factors" (Global Warming, anyone?) and to keep everything all in order (the sun going down when we know it will, etc) an extra second will be added to 2008.

We imagine the team running the Times' Square extravaganza will adjust accordingly and begin the countdown a second later but wouldn't it be more appropriate, and official, to countdown to zero or something?

Five..

Four...

Three..

Two...

One...

Zero....

Happy New Year, now stick your tongue in my mouth!

[Yahoo!: Tick tock ... tick: Extra second added to 2008]

Related:

New World Resolutions

Creepy Time Warner Hunk Calendar

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

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Sloppy Seconds: "I Don't Need Your Sex, I'll Masturbate"

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

It's the end of the year as we know it...

Self-proclaimed "sex kitten," singer ("Santa Baby"), actress and all-around cool chick, Eartha Kitt, is dead at 81. [AP]

Our old friend Scanner Sarah, now Salon Sarah (Hepola) explores the death of the celebrity scandal in 2008—a year chock full of, well, celebrity scandal. [Salon]

Jezebel rounds up their top eight Lezebels (girls who like girls who are liked by the ladies at Jezebel) of 2008. We have a hard time believing they couldn't have made it a top 10, though. Hello? Wanda Sykes? Maaaaybe Queen Latifah? [Jezebel]

Hollywood.com rounds up The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of 2008—mostly a bunch of people we've never heard of, or at least pretend not to know. [Hollywood.com]

The Village Voice rounds up the worst lyrics of 2008. While we're sort of partial to T-Pain's "I don't need your sex/I'll masturbate" from Therapy we have to agree with the choice of Nickelback's "You look so much cuter with something in your mouth" from the aptly titled Something in Your Mouth, and even Usher's "You order Chinese food right before you do me" from Trading Places. [Village Voice]

Stay tuned for Scanner's round ups when the year is actually over...

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Today in Studies that Freak Us Out: Breakfast and Sex

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 17:01:00 GMT

We read quite a few news stories about studies here at Scanner. Generally, we pass them over, sometimes rolling our eyes, other times not even caring enough about the subject matter to waste the energy of actually moving our eyes. Today, however, we were intrigued by a headline and after reading the first paragraph—"that those who skipped breakfast in their early teens first had sexual intercourse at an average age of 17.5"— thought, "Holy Shit! That's us!" (Us, being me, Scanner Emily, natch).

Of course, the study was conducted in Japan, where apparently the average age for first sexual intercourse is 19. But still, holy creepy correlation, Batman!

The poll was conducted in September by asking people aged 16-49 to fill in questionnaires about the age at which they first had sex and their lifestyles when they were in grades seven to nine.

Kunio Kitamura, the researcher in charge of the poll for the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare, said the study showed some interesting correlations.

"While it is important to delay sexual activities in order to reduce unwanted pregnancies among young people, the result suggests that the family plays a major role for that (delay) to happen," he said.

"An appropriately regulated lifestyle may be making some people prudent about sexual activities."

Those who said they did not have happy memories of family life or those who expressed feelings of hatred toward their mothers also had a tendency to have sexual intercourse early, the poll suggested.

Those who said they disliked their mothers first had intercourse at an average age of 16, compared with 18.6 for those who said they hated their fathers.

Oh, Jeebus....

[ABC: Skipping breakfast linked with early first sex: study]

Related:

When '2 Become 1' Becomes 25 Cents, or How I Didn't Lose My Virginity to the Music of the Spice Girls

Is "Tech Sex" Somewhere Between Cyber Sex and Technical Sex?

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

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PapSmeared: Spencer and Heidi Help the Homeless, Themselves

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 16:22:00 GMT

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Some People Just Don't Understand How Aliens, Orgies and Obama Go Together

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 15:41:00 GMT

Damnit! We were so busy moving we missed Global Orgasm Day. Not that we'd have done much about it if we'd remembered; we were on the road with Dad.

Unfortunately, we're not the only ones who missed out on the Global-O. A group in Israel had to cancel its giant orgy after receiving multiple threats.

The orgy, set to take place in Tel Aviv, was organized by the Raelian movement—a religion founded on the belief that humankind was created by aliens—and organizers expected at least 250 people of all sexual orientations to participate. But at the last minute, the party was canceled due to public pressure and threats on the owner of the venue where it was to all go down.

The event was part of Global Orgasm Day, which exists to "to effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy."

This particular GOD, according to its organizers, was celebrating the election of Barack Obama and "the hope for change that he has stirred in our hearts." And yes, they mentioned the "Global OOObama Facbor."

Exactly 36 Hours Until the Global-O

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Sloppy Seconds: Which "Dancing With the Stars" Star Will Pose for Playboy?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 23:06:00 GMT

How many things are wrong with this picture? Britney Spears' dad Jamie has been making about $10,000 to "look after her," but he just got a raise of $51,000 a year, making about $75 an hour to babysit his daughter. [People]

Barack Obama has chosen to use Abraham Lincoln's Bible for his swearing in. [Radar]

If you were an editor at the New York Times and the mayor of Paris sent you a letter criticizing the prospect of Caroline Kennedy taking over Hillary Clinton's Senate seat, wouldn't you just check to make sure it was really from the mayor of Paris? Maybe? Oops. [Jossip]

Sometimes we forget just how skinny celebrities are. You know, celebs like.... Billy Bob Thornton? [NYDN]

Today, we went looking for a music video we could have sworn we saw just a few short days ago on YouTube. Could it be gone because Warner music has pulled all of its artists' videos from the site? [Yahoo!]

45-year-old mother of two and Dancing With the Stars alum Lisa Rinna will pose yet again for Playboy, according to Extra. [FadedYouth]

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Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:12:00 GMT

I was busy moving into my new apartment yesterday so I wasn't able to post the bearded man of the week. But come on folks, this week it could really only be one guy—the ultimate bearded man...

Santa Claus!

No one rocks the beard better than Santa. His is the biggest, the longest and for being the biggest and the longest it is, by far, the cleanest. However, we're more partial to the natural look on Santa.

You?

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Better Than Porn: Whiskerino

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Real Quick Before I Go (More Shameless Self Promotion)

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 13:33:00 GMT

You and I both know that you've been waiting for the perfect moment to buy my cookbook Casserole Crazy: Hot Stuff for Your Oven. Now is that moment.

Perhaps you want to give it as a Christmas gift (or Hanukkah gift; there are some kugels in there) with a nice vintage Pyrex dish. Or maybe you want to hang it on your wall and throw darts at it. Either way, if you order it from my local, independent bookstore today (and today only considering I'm outie) I'll swing by and sign it before it gets shipped to you. I might even write something dirty. Maybe.

If nothing else, will you at least become my fan on The Facebook Machine?

Thanks, much cheese love and I'll see you back here Tuesday.

[Buy Casserole Crazy from WORD Brooklyn or Amazon, if you must.]

Sloppy Seconds: What Pete Wentz Likes Even More Than Taking Pictures of His Penis

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:21:00 GMT

Must politicians from states like Texas and Colorado always be photographed wearing cowboy hats? [NYT]

Celine Cawley who played a party girl in the James Bond film A View to Kill with Roger Moore is dead at 46 after being beaten to death on the patio of her Dublin home Tuesday. [Radar]

New Yorkers, if Governor Paterson wants puts tax on all of the entertainment you download, does this mean you'll soon be paying more for porn? (ProfRobert?) [Vulture]

We should probably be excited instead of creeped out by this facial transplant, right? [People]

In an interview with Howard Stern, Pete Wentz wanted everyone to know that he and his wife, Ashlee Simpson Wentz, "have an amazing sex life." And then he took it there: "It was at the Soho Grand Hotel [in New York City], and I'm looking in the mirrors, [thinking], 'Oh my God, you are [sleeping with] the girl of your dreams, and you can watch yourself!'" he said. [Us]

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:55:00 GMT

After multiple anxiety attacks, two attempts at selling my shit on the street (hey, I made $273!) and lots of heavy drinking that led to a few teary goodbyes, the time has come for me to make the move to Kansas City. So I'll be offline for the next few business days.

I still have to pack up my massive vintage Pyrex collection and get the swing out of the closet before my dad flies up on Friday. After what I predict will be an ill-fated trip to IKEA we're going to pack up the truck and ride off into the sunset, er snowstorm, early Saturday. Considering Dave gets grumpy easily and has a soft spot for (and not-so-soft belly because of ) road-side food and Rolling Rock, we'll probably make it a three-day trip—keeping me offline until Tuesday.

I've enlisted Scanner Nicole to blog a little while I'm away, and as always, you will be blessed with the blog stylings of Brian, Colleen, Matt and Verena. Be nice to them. Or I will cut you.

I'll be back Tuesday, beginning my official tenure as The Scanner Blogger from Kasnas City. I'll try not to get knocked-up or addicted to meth by then.

Related:

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

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Caption This: Anne Hathaway Will Rent as Many Children as She Wants

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:46:00 GMT

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Back to the Future (or Today in the Apocalypse?): First Documented Case of 'Zzz-mailing'

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:42:00 GMT

We've heard of sleep walking, sleep talking and even sleep fucking, but emailing while asleep? Oh yes.

Is it a fluke or a sign of the imminent technology/drug-induced apocalypse?

A study published in the journal Sleep Medicine reports that a 44-year-old woman turned on her computer and sent emails to her friends asking them to come over with wine and caviar... all while she was asleep.

The woman was taking Zolpidem, which is sold in the U.S. as Ambien. Which studies have found can cause people to eat, walk and have sex while sleeping.

Among the woman's emails:

One read: "Come tomorrow and sort this hell hole out. Dinner and drinks, 4 p.m., Bring wine and caviar only."

Another said simply, "What the ..."

The new variation of sleepwalking has been described as "zzz-mailing."

"We believe writing an e-mail after turning the computer on, connecting to the Internet and remembering the password displayed by our patient is novel," the researchers said. "To our knowledge, this type of complex behavior requiring coordinated movements has not been reported before in sleepwalking," they wrote.

Novel, a sign of the apocalypse. Call it what you will, but imagine if we got on Facebook while asleep and started updating out status with our dreams: "Emily is currently having sex with [redacted]" or "Emily is currently having sex with [redacted] and [redacted]" or "Emily is floating on a chocolate cloud while tiny green men dance circles around my areolas.

Scanner : 2008

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye Will Pose Nude (Don't Worry, He'll Keep His Sunglasses On)

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Top 10 Scanner Posts of 2008: Because We Can Never Get Enough Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

We Think Your New Year's Resolution Should Be to Comment More

Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

PapSmeared: Britney Left Her Bra in 2008, Picked Up a Shirt From 1997

Tampon Ad Is Australia's Most-Complained About of 2008

Because It Is a Painfully Slow News Day, And We Want To

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Our Favorite Leftover Photos of 2008

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

See You Next Year, Suckers!

While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

As If This Year Hasn't Dragged on Long Enough

Sloppy Seconds: "I Don't Need Your Sex, I'll Masturbate"

Today in Studies that Freak Us Out: Breakfast and Sex

PapSmeared: Spencer and Heidi Help the Homeless, Themselves

Some People Just Don't Understand How Aliens, Orgies and Obama Go Together

Sloppy Seconds: Which "Dancing With the Stars" Star Will Pose for Playboy?

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Real Quick Before I Go (More Shameless Self Promotion)

Sloppy Seconds: What Pete Wentz Likes Even More Than Taking Pictures of His Penis

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Caption This: Anne Hathaway Will Rent as Many Children as She Wants

Back to the Future (or Today in the Apocalypse?): First Documented Case of 'Zzz-mailing'

Joe Biden Had My Vote, Has My Heart