Being Chris Matthews' Wife Must Really Suck

Katie Halper — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:34:00 GMT

We feel really bad for the Mrs. Chris Matthews. We always knew Chris had a weird hatred (or could it be a crush in disguise?) for Hillary Clinton. But, as we learned on Real Time with Bill Maher, Matthews has some real marital issues too.

On Real Time with Bill Maher Chris Matthews gave us way too much TMI when he presented his own marital issues as hard solid political analysis. Speaking for all blue collar men in Pennsylvania, Matthews explained that they go to diners in the morning because "they don't want to hang out with their wives for an hour and they want that hour away..."

What is Chris's hang up with women? His Hillary obsession drives him crazy. On at least two instances on Friday night's Real Time with Bill Maher, Matthews showed Real Problems with thinking clearly when it came to Hillary. When Maher asked Matthews: "You have been criticized as being a little sexist about Hillary.... Don't you think she has a point that gender has actually been a bigger factor in this campaign than race?" Matthews responded by saying "No, actually there are more women democrats than there are male democrats. That should help her." That doesn't really answer the question at all. But it looks totally logical alongside what came next. When Maher asked Matthews why Hillary was "doing better with Catholics," he responded by saying

That's a great question, that is a great one... 65% in Pennsylvania right now against 26%. I bet she goes up to 70, 75. I think that's just another word for Catholics, small town, middle class, I don't know I can't quite explain it. I don't know the answer to that.

When Maher said "Wow, I stumped Chris Matthews! I should win something," Matthews surmised

Maybe... Lemme find an issue you agree with the Pope on here. You're both against the war in Iraq. Catholics are generally against the war in Iraq, Hillary voted for it. Maybe that would be a logical reason, I'm not sure it's the real reason. But that would make sense.

What? Anti-war Catholic resentment of a war-voting Hillary WOULD make sense...If Matthews were explaining why Hillary is UNPOPULAR among Catholics. So what is the deal? Is Chris so blinded by a hatred of Hillary? Or is he distracted by a forbidden lust which makes him sleepless and drives him to diners?

James Carville's Jesus Complex & Judas Penis

Katie Halper — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:31:00 GMT

James Carville accused Bill "Hot When Bearded" Richardson of betrayal of biblical proportions, saying "Mr. Richardson's endorsement [of Obama] came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out (Jesus) for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate, if ironic." The irony, of course, is that Carville commits betrayal of biblical proportions every time he biblically "gets to know" his wife.

Nobody shows us that politics makes strange bedfellows, literally, and figuratively, more than Democratic Spin Doctor Clintonite Jim Carville and Mary Matalin, his Republican Spin Doctor Bushie wife. The Carville-Matlin duo deserve our bipartisan praise for overcoming their ideological differences through pure unadulterated sexual chemistry.

Let’s be honest, people, who among us could resist her beady eyes, and almost invisible lips, and his smooth cranium and teasingly tinted glasses. But if Richardson's getting behind Obama makes him a Judas, what does Carville's getting behind Mary make him? Does Carville feel the holy spirit slip out of his soul when he slips out of his blue pajamas, slips off Mary's red teddy and enters her land of Cain? Does Carville tell himself it's the devil that is making him take off his donkey briefs and pull off her elephant thong? Is the Satanic serpent tricking the Carvillian serpent into tasting Mary's forbidden fruit?

We can only assume that Carville has a Jesus complex and a Mary Magdalene fetish. A J~~esus~~ames C~~hrist~~arville Mary Magdtalin role-play routine is the only thing that could explain the miracle of their marriage and the only way JC could live with himself and sleep with his wife.

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Being Chris Matthews' Wife Must Really Suck

James Carville's Jesus Complex & Judas Penis