Scanner : 2009

Sloppy Seconds: The Hipster Grifter Speaks (And She Wants Money)

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 May 2009 23:16:00 GMT

We've heard all about Obama's first 100 days, but what about Hillary Clinton's? Turns out she hasn't had time to read a single book or even see a movie. [NYT]

Watch William Shatner watch the trailer for the Star Trek movie he's not in. [Vulture]

Miley Cyrus would like you to know she's totally not having sex with her 20-year-old boyfriend, telling the Daily Mail, “I want to keep my virginity until I marry. I was brought up in a Christian family.” Yeah, Miley, so were were. [FadedYouth]

Heroes star and Scanner Brian crush Hayden Panettiere is the latest young star to audition for the Footloose remake. [Us]

Kari Farrell, that f-ing nude, f-ing hipster grifter finally showed her face long enough to let the world know that Vice still owes her $200. [Gawker]

Meet the Hipster Grifter from ANIMALmagazine on Vimeo.

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

Sloppy Seconds: Get Gay Married in New Hampshire?

Emily Farris — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:03:00 GMT

As of this morning, federal officials had confirmed 91 infections of swine flu in 11 states. Time to freak the fuck out, people! [Baltimore Sun]

In her new memoir, Elizabeth Edwards said she vomited after learning of her husband, former democratic presidential candidate John Edwards', affair. [Us]

Liev Schreiber used to resent girlfriend and baby mama Naomi Watts' fame. But he's learned to live with it. [FemaleFirst]

Porn star Joanna Angel talks about how the recession has affected her end of the sex industry. [FlavorWire]

The New Hampshire Senate yesterday voted 13-11 to approve gay marriage. The bill has been sent back to the House for changes and if the bill becomes law, New Hampshire will be the fifth state to allow same-sex marriages. [Boston.com]

Just in time for the first gay American Idol? [Reuters]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:18:00 GMT

Do you drunk text even though you shouldn't because it always ends badly? Yeah, so do we. Perhaps that's why we're so amused by Texts From Last Night, a new website that encourages you to submit those drunken texts you sent or received. [TFLN]

A small earthquake hit the Bay Area today. [The Inquisitr]

John Mayer would like everyone to know that he is very single. [Us]

And Miley Cyrus would like you to know that she is not dating Nick Jonas. [People]

Melissa Keeton and Shelly Wolfe were issued the first same-sex marriage license in Iowa today, after the state legalized gay marriage earlier this month. [USA Today]

Some guy we've never heard of is TIME's most influential person of the year. Turns out that though we've never heard of him we were sort-of influenced by him. [TIME]

Watch the trailer for "Partly Private," a documentary about how we view circumcision in the Western World. [Partly Private]

We've probably paid more in fees to Bank of America than we made last year. If you have too, you should tell your story to the SEIU. [ScrewedbyBofA.org]

And that picture had nothing to do with anything in this post. We just thought it was too hilarious to pass up. [Defamer]

Calendar... Teachers?

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 22:19:00 GMT

Mr. Kile, a teacher a Cocoa Beach High, is quickly becoming better known to his students as Mr. August. You see, Patrick Kile is responsible for a calender featuring scantily-clad teachers. Now, before you get your panties in an uproar over all this teacher sex, you should know that it's all for a very good reason. And no it's not to get Mr. Kile, or Coach Mortar, also known as Mr. June, laid—at least not by students.

Mr. ~~August~~ Kile, a cancer survivor, put the calendar together for charity. Money raised from the sale of the calendars goes to the American Cancer Society.

“We just wanted something ‘outside the box,’ unique and fun and different, that would help open some eyeballs and raise some money,” said Kile. “Back in 2005, I was diagnosed with tongue cancer that spread to my neck. [And] it’s for a good cause. I went to the school board and spoke with the ethics director of human resources and he thought it was a great idea!”

And if you don't like it? “Just don't buy the calendar.”

At least 100 people have purchased it so far and Kile is hoping to sell another 900 more. The calendars are $20 each. If you'd like one, you can contact Mr. Kile at kile.patrick@brevardschools.org. Maybe he'll knock some of the cost off this being the end of April and all. But who really buys calendars for the "calendar" part, anyway?

[MyFox Orlando: Too Hot for Teacher?]

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

Git Yer New York Sex Blogger Calendar Here!

Creepy Time Warner Hunk Calendar

"It's Trannylicious!" The Amanda Lepore 2008 Calendar

Super-Exclusive Nude Calendar Makes Us Want to Go to Africa For Some Reason

While You Were Sleeping: Facebook vs. Lesbians

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Don't forget to right-click the links to open them in a new window...

The latest victim of Fox is Pedro Almodovar?

It's almost impossible to get a perfect score on the SAT-- how impossible would it be to get perfect scores on the PSAT, ACT, and SATs?

We wonder why this worm sign fail isn't as common in Louisiana. And, by the way, we had a great first weekend of Jazz Fest.

David Letterman wants to see Lauren Conrad's rumored/long-awaited sex tape.

That meanie Miss California is now a folk hero among ignorant religious bigots.

The latest worldwide fad: that fun-lovin' swine flu thing.

90% of teenagers have cell phones these days, effectively making the previous generation the last one to prefer the physical presence of their friends.

Madonna is the hardest workin' mama in the biz.

Does Facebook have something against lesbians?

The TV couple you hate the most were legally married on Saturday in Pasadena.

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

No One's Getting Laided On Facebook Anymore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:50:00 GMT

If you think that's fake, know this: we once had a capatcha on Ticketmaster that read "penile imploder."

I know it's hard to believe, but I have been picked up on Facebook before. (I'll let Colleen, Emly, and Ina weigh in on their own success, if they want-- but this is speaking strictly for myself.)

It doesn't happen very often, and certainly not since I removed "Single" from my profile, but it's entirely true that Facebook is a hotbed of sexual activity. According to this interesting chart we just came across, everyone is surfing Facebook after midnight in the hopes of getting laid and ending up at least claiming to have succeeded...

The graph charts the rise and fall of users claiming to have had sex-- after a drop around the end of last year, everyone is now saying "had sex" in their status updates, prompting the recent two-month-long spike on the readout. Whether these people had sex or just asked everyone else, desperately, "Hey Jamie-- had sex last night?" remains to be seen. Or doesn't-- since it's not like anyone's doing a formal study. (By the way, check out everyone getting laid in the fall/winter of '07/'08. Hot damn, where were we?)

Which leaves it up to us to ask-- are you getting laid thanks to Facebook?

Via Metro UK.

Related:

Andy Asks: Facebook or F*ckbook?

Tropical Ants Have Completely Done Away With Men

While You Were Sleeping: The Endless Power of Bras

While You Were Sleeping: Lara Flynn Boyle Still Getting Naked

From Scanner HQ

Babeland Offers Tax Relief in the Form of Free Vibrators

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:29:00 GMT

When we were impressionable youths, our curfew wasn't so much a time we needed to be home as a time we needed to call and negotiate the rest of our evening. Would we be sleeping on the couch of that 20-something guy who always hosted high school parties or crashing with a girlfriend? Did Mom need to come pick us up from the Quick Trip parking lot? Or would we be home in 20—no, make that 30—minutes?

Perhaps this lax upbringing is what caused us to be so bad at turning anything in on time and what made us, well, bad Americans. For April 15 is not the day on which we file our taxes—no, it is the day that we file an extension (or have our accountant do it for us). Yes, yes, we know that all we're really doing is putting off the inevitable: paying taxes on the money paid to us for those stories we turned in so very late. Also, it turns out that this year we're missing out on free vibrators.

Tomorrow—yes, tomorrow is Tax Day, slacker!—Babeland is giving out free Gold Digger vibrators (pictured above) to the first 100 people to go into any of the three locations and tell the sales associates you've filed a tax return (we assume they're going on the honor system) and they're giving out the same gift for the first 100 web orders of the day.

But we haven't missed out completely with our tax FAIL. Babeland is picking up the sales tax on all purchases made in the stores or online tomorrow. So at least we can take that hard-earned money we should be using to pay our taxes and buy some tax-free sex toys. Score!

Babeland Online

Three locations in NYC:
Babeland SoHo, 43 Mercer Street
Babeland LES, 94 Rivington Street
Babeland Brooklyn, 462 Bergen Street

In Seattle:
Babeland Seattle, 707 E. Pike Street

Related:

Did You Vote? Then Babeland Would Like To Give You A Free Sex Toy...

Babeland Staff: The MacGyvers of Dildos?

R.E.M. Shot New Video in NYC Sex Shop

Video of the Day: Toys in Babeland Now on YouTube

Sloppy Seconds: Scarlett Johansson on Plastic Surgery

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:01:00 GMT

The Obamas finally got a puppy. It wasn't a shelter dog (grr) but it sure is cute. [Yahoo!]

Madonna is still trying to adopt a child from Malwai. [Us]

It's posssssible that a hacker was responsible for the #amazonfail. [Vulture]

Fergie would like a baby in her. Right now. [FameCrawler]

Butt implants can be a real pain in the ass if you're having butt sex. Apparently. [ClayCane]

Scarlett Johansson (well, probably her assistant) is as annoyed with the media's obsession with weight and plastic surgery as we are. [The Huffington Post]

Speaking of if you're Keeping up with the Kardashians, you probably know that one of them is having plastic surgery. [The Remote Island]

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

Sloppy Seconds: In Which We Consider Michael Chabon's Sexuality, Again

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

Do you have what it takes to put together lists of the hottest women in the world (eyes, the ability to count to 100 with or without the help of a computer)? Then you might be in the running toward becoming FHM's next top editor-in-chief. They're looking. [Brand Republic]

Levi Johnston: proof that even if you're a teenage father you can still dream big. Johnston's dream? Becoming a model or actor, of course. [Gawker]

Howard Stern is now Twittering. Well, really it's the Howard Stern Show, which probably means there's a ghost Twitterer. And he is following no one. Jerk. [Twitter]

Half of the female contestants on Bravo's new show "Top Chef Masters" are "chefbians." Er, um, chefs who also happen to be lesbians. [AfterEllen]

What's Prince up to these days? Oh, just singing about Salma Hayek's curves. [Us]

How in the hell did we miss Gay Clay Aiken on America's Next Top Model? [People]

Having read the majority of Michael Chabon's published work, we always questioned his sexuality. We were not the only ones. And apparently we missed that thing he wrote about the time he slept with a man. [Queerty]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

Related:

I Guess We'll Never Write About Her Again

Broken Blogger: Scanner Emily

From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

Scanner Highs and Lows: That Was Then and This is Now

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:37:00 GMT

But now that we've had some distance, we can finally look back on what you may have missed while you were busy jerking off to old pictures of Cloris Leachman.

Highs:

We learned that Roseanne was a Riot Grrrl (sort-of) and wished we would have been cool enough to appreciate it back then.

We celebrated National Cleavage Day by looking back at some of our favorite boob stories.

We brought back our old friend Marry, Fuck or Kill. This time it was a sexy doctor edition.

Iowa—IOWA!—legalized gay marriage.

And this gay bishop made us almost appreciate religion again. Almost.

Scanner Brian gave into the goodness of TV. Sort of. (Boner!)

Scanner Colleen told those mother fuckers what's up. Sort of.

And we told those dumb ass publicists what's up.

And we called out some other assholes, just for the hell of it.

We decided we want to be just like Cloris Leachman when we grow up (except we'll eat meat).

On the way to being like Cloris maybe we'll make a little stop in Isabella Rossellini land.

Lows:

We begged for your help. More than once. (P.S. We are still begging for your help.)

We watched a very strange commercial, indeed. One that perpetuated the myth that Asians have very little pubic hair.

We figured out what we want for Christmas.

We felt a little bad for Marisa Tomei.

Scanner Ina tried out Omegle. We did not learn from her mistake.

Scanner Brian made our vaginas hurt. No, not like that, you perverts!

We felt really old when we were reminded it's been 15 years since Kurt Cobain died.

We refused to participate in April Fool's Day. Apparently we were the only ones.

We wondered why Girl Scout Cookies are so damn inaccessible!

And this was probably our favorite story of the week. Sham! Wow!

Related:

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:34:00 GMT

That girl from Twilight will play Joan Jett in a still unnamed film about The Runaways. [AfterEllen]

The saddest thing we've seen all day: 11 extinct animals that have been photographed alive. [EcoWorldly]

The most depressing thing we've seen all day: the unfolding story of the hostage situation in Binghamton, NY. [CNN]

We (read: Scanner Emily) still need your 10 stars. Real bad. Because we need $200. Real bad. Pretty please? [MissedTees]

We (read: Scanner Collen) still need you to vote for our dream photography assignment. Because we also need $50,000. Real bad. Pretty please? [Name Your Dream Assignment]

Now all three of your Scanners are on Twitter, even though only one of us stays true to the Scanner name. [Scanner Emily, Scanner Colleen, Scanner Brian]

Remember yesterday when Madonna threw a party to celebrate an adoption that hadn't yet been approved? Um, yeah. Maybe not the best idea she ever had. [Us]

Apparently there was a fractured penis scene in last night's ER finale. Was it a swipe at Grey's Anatomy? [The Remote Island]

On April 11 Alternative Nation Countdown Takeover, a show on Sirius radio, will premiere new solo material from Rivers Cuomo that features Jason Schwartzman Rainn Wilson. Weird. Cool. [Rolling Stone]

According to a post on her MySpace blog this morning (obviously not written by her) Amy Winehouse is hard at work on her third album. We'll believe it when we hear it. Either way, we thought you'd enjoy seeing this picture again. [MySpace]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's New Single Life

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

Support a Scanner or Two

[Image, Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Michelle Obama Does the Unthinkable

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:41:00 GMT

MSNBC has finally discovered fuck buddies. And that college students have them. [MSNBC]

Will items off of the Chipotle value menu have fewer calories? We sure hope so. [Yahoo!]

We always wonder why people who spend lots of money to have signs, boxes, etc. printed don't get copy editors. An Oregon company probably could have used one before printing a phone sex number on their cereal box. [Google/AP]

Starting next month, same-sex couples can be legally married in Sweden. [BBC]

More "celebrities" blogging about their relationship woes. Meh. [People]

Madonna is already celebrating the adoption of a child she has not yet officially adopted. [Us]

A man in China swallowed a pair of scissors. And survived! [Telegraph]

For the first time in 57 years, the Queen of England publicly hugged someone (sort-of). And that someone was Michelle Obama. And then Obama hugged the Queen back (sort-of)! Apparently, this is a big deal. [DailyMail]

Related:

Yes, Scanner Emily. Chipotle will make you fat.

Crush of the Week: Kate Middleton, Rollerskating Queen

Sloppy Seconds: 'Saved by the Bell' Reunion

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 23:02:00 GMT

We would like to preface these very sloppy seconds by telling you we think these things are true. But you know how media outlets like to play April Fool's jokes. Ugh.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has been voted off of "Dancing with the Stars." [Yahoo!]

Chris Brown has an entire women's basketball team to beat up. [Us]

Mariah Carey celebrated her 40th birthday with husband Nick Cannon. In other news Mariah Carey is 40! [People]

Kim Kardashian is taking legal action against the porno "Keeping Up With the KardASSians." [FadedYouth]

Jimmy Fallon planned to reunite the entire cast of "Saved by the Bell" (yes!) but failed (noooo!). [Vulture]

I Will Not Play April Fool's Jokes on You

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:17:00 GMT

Because I think April Fool's Day is a particularly annoying holiday. While I cannot say the same for my fellow bloggers, I promise to not (knowingly) pull any pranks. Instead (and honestly, just to be safe) I will show you lolcats.

Related:

April Fools: The Prankster's Prankster

People are Jokesters Today!

Sloppy Seconds: Female-Friendly Porn

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 23:17:00 GMT

Fifteen employees have been fired from the Kaiser Permanente hospital where Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman gave birth to octuplets after they snooped through her medical records. What a way to go. We probably would have done the same thing. [Us]

Countess LuAnn de Lesseps, one of "The Real Housewives of New York," has separated from hubby Count Alexandre de Lesseps. But she's keeping her title! [Yahoo!]

Here's your chance to win a free copy of a young-adult novel with the best title ever: "My Parents Are Sex Maniacs." [Annick Press]

Jennifer Hudson's three dogs will be a part of her wedding to David Otunga. [People]

The ladies at MarieClaire have rounded up what they consider to be the most female-friendly porn sites. We, of course, have been doing a lot of bookmarking today. [MarieClaire]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Gisele's "Wake-Up Call"

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:13:00 GMT

R.I.P. New York Times City Section. [Jossip]

A couple in the UK spent 20 years making a model of the town where they first met. Now that's true love, suckers. [Telegraph]

When NASA started an online contest to name the International Space Station's new living quarters, they had no idea Stephen Colbert would start a little campaign to have it named after him. And that he would succeed. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz (and his PENIS!) hopes that his wife Ashlee Simpson will "play the bitch" when she stars on the new Melrose Place. [Us]

Gisele Bündchen says that the arrival of hubby Tom Brady's child with Bridget Moynahan was "a wake-up call." In a good way. [People]

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:40:00 GMT

So maybe "almost" is stretching it...

Highs:

We got all artsy. Twice.

We were incredibly moved by the trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are."

We finally found a church we might consider attending.

We decided we should be rewarded for not getting married.

And this lady reaffirmed our decision.

We tried (and are still trying) to win $200. You can help.

This woman made us feel a little better about ourselves, but mostly about our mom.

Lows:

We questioned the choices of our editors.

We ate at Denny's, and apparently missed out on some hot teenage orgy action.

Our faith in humanity was restored, almost.

We're even less motivated to do laundry.

We learned that the gays are poor, too.

Purity boot camp.

This horse made us really sad.

Not everyone agrees with us that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

Sloppy Seconds: Rihanna's New Tattoo

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:00 GMT

Say it ain't so: celebrities with ghost Twitterers? 50 Cent has one. So does Ron Paul and Barack Obama (we figured as much for Mr. President). [NYT]

But now that we think of it, Courtney Love might benefit from a ghost Twitterer. [Vulture]

Here's a condom commercial that's not even safe for YouTube, apparently. [Lifestyles]

Rihanna got a sort-of awesome gun tattoo in a sort-of awesome place. [People]

We are much less enthused about this pop-art rendering of the infamous Rihanna police photo. [Yahoo!]

Willie Aames, of "Charles in Charge" is around the corner from Scanner HQ selling, well, pretty much everything he owns after his recent home foreclosure.[Plog]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: When DIY Sex Toys Do You Wrong

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Women, would you cry at work? And do you think it would be good or bad for your career? Five women weigh in. [MarieClaire]

Men: if you want to live long enough to have sex in your old age, don't get fat. And no, it's not because women will find you less attractive. [CreativeLoafing]

Here's the trailer for "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs." [SeriousEats]

We are all about high-powered sex toys, but attaching one to a saber saw (similar to a jig saw)? That just makes our vagina cringe in ways we never knew possible. Note to everyone: saws will saw through sex toys! Ouch! [BoingBoing]

Bruce Willis married his girlfriend Emma Heming in a private ceremony. [Yahoo!]

Matt Lauer was absent from the "Today" show this morning after an ill-fated run-in with a deer. Apparently, the NBC personality was riding his bike over the weekend when a deer jumped into his path, causing him to flip over the handlebars. [NYDN]

[Image]

Verrry Sloppy Seconds: Because We'd Rather be Drinking and You Know It

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 23:06:00 GMT

We're not going to lie: in case you haven't noticed, the Scanner crew is totally slacking off this week. Sure, we're "networking" and spreading the fire-crotch and brimstone gospel of Scanner across the great state of Texas. But, honestly, after an intense and tiring game of forced couch surfing, drinking too much and recovering from drinking too much, the last thing we want to do is sit down in front of a computer while we watch everyone around us get to continue to drink too much. But we're doing it, a little, because we love you. Next week we'll be back to our real lives, our significant others (well, Scanner Colleen will be, anyway) our pets and far too many hours spent in front of our computers or curled up on the toilet with the lastest Us Weekly. For now, though, let us talk a little too much about South by Southwest and forget the fact that we should be unhealthily concerned with who gave who The Herp. (And if we should have written "who gave whom The Herp.")

Until then, please enjoy this video of George Clooney drunk video blogging.

Damn, a few more and he could have put himself in the running to replace The Hoff as our avatar.

Related:

George Clooney Googles Himself and Then Watches 2 Girls 1 Cup

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

#notatsxsw

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Sloppy Seconds: The Pope Spreads a Little AIDS With His Gospel

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 22:38:00 GMT

Fifty-seven-year-old Ralph Reese was fired from his job as a clerk at Whole Foods after he took a tuna sandwich out of a trash can at the end of his shift, this violated the company's policy that food cannot be takine without being paid for. [CityRoom]

"Not an Onion headline: Gwyneth Paltrow's Bikini Waxer to Pen Book About 'Being Sexy'" [LustyLady]

Taylor Swift still does not want to talk about sex. [People]

What kind of douchebag puts fake money in a stripper's underwear? This kind. [AP]

At a SXSWi panel today, a blogger for PETA asked the icanhazcheeseburger guy how he could make the PETA blog funny. Pamela Anderson's lettuce bikini is a good start, no? [Inquisitr]

Pope Benedict “What Holocaust?” XVI is at it again, this time claiming that condoms are not the answer to the AIDS crisis in Africa. The pontiff, speaking to journalists on his flight, said the condition was "a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems". Whaaaaaat? [Guardian]

[Image via PETA]

Live Blogging SXSWi: Ur Blog Sux and Print is Dead

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Uh oh. Are we about to find out Scanner sucks? From the description:

How to make the most of your blog's "overnight success" (get a book deal! quit your day job!) without letting anonymous commenters make you hate yourself in the process. Panelists: Ben Huh (CEO, I Can Has Cheezburger?), Christian Lander (Writer, Stuff White People Like), Kerry Miller (passiveaggressivenotes.com), Heather Armstrong (Pres, Blurbodoocery Inc), Ana Marie Cox (Natl Correspondent, Air America).

12:31 EST
Intros.

"In addition to political ass fucking I...." -Anna Marie Cox. She no longer has a personal blog, only twitters.

Christian Lander is cuuuute!

Kerry Miller. Not a man. Recently moved from NY to Austin.

Armstrong is preggers. Has a book coming out next week "It Sucked and Then I Cried."

12:32
First topic: death threats. Even lolcat guy has received death threats. Suspicious packages, pizzas in the middle of the night. "Once you become somewhat known in the Internet, when they find out who you are, they try to find out a lot more about you than you'd want them to know." –Huh

12:34
After a Palin post, Armstrong got a note "I know where you live and I'm going to come kill you." People didn't want to hear how much she hated America. She didn't take it seriously or give it too much attention. She ignored it.

Miller says she's not so Zen.

12:35
Lander talks about death threats hate meal. Pay extra $50 for anonymizing, he says, when registering a domain. Cox says there are downsides to being Internet famous. She says none of them thought a career would come from their blogs.

12:38
How did Lander starts? What do white people do instead of watching "The Wire." Started blog in January. Book deal by end of March. He started it as a joke. (Scanner Emily thinks these are the best blogs anyway).

Miller said she'd been working on magazine stories but started this blog because she was living with three roommates, leaving passive agressive notes. She says don't start a blog b/c you want to be internet famous or get a book deal—people can tell. Not that her blog is "sprinkled with authenticy dust," she says. She's talking about the doucebags (I called them that, not her) who start blogs just to get book deals and suck at it.

12:41
Scanner commenter Dippy Gumball asks "how do you know what is a serious death threat vs. someone being dumb? And have you ever received marriage proposals?" Huh says everyone on the Internet is a doucegbag. Amazing how much hate mail I Can Haz Cheeseburger gets! He said they've had people propose to each other on the site! Miller said crazies are easy to write off (true that!). "Sometimes what they say they want is not what they really want." Lander has had three marriage proposals, but is married (damn!). He doesn't engage hate mail. He doesn't give a fuck if people don't like him. Armstrong said ppl have shown up to her UPS address asking if she lives there, but she did get one piece of mail at her home address. Huh got voice mail. "If someone is willing to expose their personal life to hate you, that's something you should take seriously," says Huh.

12:45
Woman asks, you're famous on the Internet... but what about the real world. "How do you deal with meeting people who don't understand Internet culture?" Cox jokes that she wants to start an advice column for people who are internet famous. First problem: people don't know we're famous. Lander said if you get mad at ppl who not knowing who you are.. "come on!" Huh can't walk 5 feet without getting a cat rubbed up against his leg. Cox said he gets a lot of pussy. Laughter ensues.

12:47
Guy from PETA's blog asks: "how do we be more funny?" The room laughed! Lander says "step one: ease up on the paint." Someone suggested LOLchickens. Huh says make fun of yourself. Huh says "we're internet famous which means we're no better than Steve Erkel. He's more likely to get recognized on the street." Lander points out his name is Jaleel White.

12:49
Someone asks bloggers who are writers: "Does being a blogger change the way you write?" She name checked her blog; self promotion! (I didn't catch them). Armstrong said she started as a blogger, book was to get people to take her seriously. Blog makes much more money. She hated writing the book and doesn't think her marriage could survive another. Book is like running a marathon, blogging is like sprinting. Lander says he's a failed writer in every medium but blogging. Thought "I'll write a book one day..." Cox says you have to stop caring, don't worry about the distinctions, just write. Meanwhile, I'm crushing hard on married Christian Lander. Miller worked as a freelance writer and said starting the blog was really humbling. More people read her cursing and funny pictures than longer articles she spends more time/thought on (I feel you Kerry). She said blogging had made her more ADD (I feel you again Kerry). She says blogging is kind-of like crack, you put it up there and get immediate feedback (I feel you yet again Kerry).

12:56
Woman asks once the books were published what kind of different reaction did you get? Huh says he has no writing ability and bought the website (that was getting really famous) from somebody else. He says when you get into publishing you are the talent. They want to listen to what you have to say, they have expertise but don't let them change who you are. You can change a little but don't sell out. "Act like a rockstar." Lander says he was lucky, publisher wanted him to keep doing what he was doing, but for them. They gave him control, he barely changed anything. His worked out really well. He wanted it to be paperback all the way, they agreed. All they wanted was to put exclusive content in the book. (Lucky!). Armstrong had a completely opposite experience.She was sued by a publishing company and paid a lot of money to NOT write a book. She says it's been a horrible experience.

12:59
Cathy Erway asks if you feel like you're endlessly committed/married to your blogs? Would you get death threats? Huh makes another funny. Armstrong says one of the drawbacks to doing it professionally is that you do not get to take a break. Ever. Lander says people always tell him what white people like. It's never going to go away. He'll take it to his death. He says if that's the worst thing he has to do it's a fair price to pay. Cathy asks, are you fine doing it for the rest of your career? Lander says, we'll see. Kerry said she started hers very not goal oriented. She'll do it as long as it's still fun and she's getting something out of it. She admits it's getting harder to make the same kinds of things funny. She said if it was her whole life she would kill herself. Cox quit because it was too much. She said not so much negativity, but the ability to leave the house. It becomes something you have to do all the time. She says if you want to quit do it. She traded something she loved and didn't get to leave, for something she doesn't love as much but she's out in the real world. Huh says people mistake blogging with themselves. Get other people to blog. Separate who you are from what you do. Plug in somebody else to run your blog for you, take the money and pay them. "It actually works, it's called a business." (Good question, Cathy!)

1:04
"Drunk" girl asks, how do you determine your boundaries of what you will and won't write about? Lander says the truth is where all the humor comes from, his one boundary is abortion. Cox jokes that her next book is going to be all about her abortion. Armstrong doesn't write about sex life (I think? I missed it a little). Cox says there's nothing she won't write about. "Nothing is sacred."

1:06
Guy points out, all of you made the jump to print. So how is print dead? (It's not).

1:09
Another guy asks: great idea vs. great voice? (Stuff White People Like vs. Cox). Can you speak to the difference? Do you need a great idea to turn your blog into a book? Yes answers across the panel. Does voice matter? Lander says it's idea and execution, be able to sum it up: what is this about in a short amount of time. Blogs that do everything (hello, Scanner!) no book deal (good thing!).

1:11
Woman asks "how do you deal with the spewage of AOL speak without wanting to hurt these people?" Huh says he knows how to write. Woman brings up people who can't spell, can't write but CAN leave nasty comments. Tidal wave of bad English is the future says Huh. Lander says it's not just the commenters on blogs. College freshman still can't get you're vs your. He says you have to let it go in a sense (Never! says Scanner Emily). Miller says commenters had declared themselves kings and hated new commenters, then others who were racist, homphobic and she had to think a lot about how to take control back. She decided to feature one GOOD comment of the day, instead of people who comment most. Then they saw that those were the kinds of comments she wanted, it helped "self police" the commenting/community. And she started another part of the site for off topic conversations. Lander said if you write about race in any capacity the "your" problem is the least of the problems.

1:17
Guy says he has a shitty blog with huge readership. Should he sell out now? Panel says aim higher than being on the other side of the microphone. Lander says if it's what you love, don't stop. Huh says if people hate you, you've made it. He says being hated by mainstream media gives you street cred. Armstrong says if you're okay with therapy get a therapist, it will happen. Moral of story: ignore the comments.

1:22
Guy asks what small changes can you make to make the community a little better? Huh says it's understanding your audience.

1:23
Guy named Miles asks about people who are unhealthily attracted to you/think they know you? Cox says if you write about a certain kind of sex, you get a lot of weird kind-of email, some weird proposals. Armstrong says while there is negativity, there is so, so, so much good. She said her readers saved her life, encouraging her to check into the hospital with PPD. She said because she writes about being crazy she attracts the crazy.

1:26
Guy says do you/will you find yourself gravitating toward more serious material? Lander and Cox say no. Huh says again, blogging is not a cult of personality. It doesn't have to be just your voice. Encourage people to participate with you and you'll develop a filter to figure out the bullshit from the good stuff. Lander says he gets lots of terrible unsolicited entries.

1:28
Miller asks the money question. Advertising money sucks right now. She said if she started her blog today, would she be sitting here three years from now. "Huh says know where you spend your money and count every fucking penny of it... live frugally." Cox says the only industry in America that has a more fucked business model than blogging is book publishing. Huh explains how book deals/advance works. (Scanner Emily is still waiting for royalties. Buy my book! Pretty please!)

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A round-up of those who are about to die. On TV, of course. [EW]

Is South by Southwest is a pointlless party? [Gawker]

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson apparently came this close to joining the mile high club on a recent Virgin Atlantic flight. [Mile High Club Book]

Researchers say a compound often found in cosmetics and foods like ice cream could help prevent the spread of HIV when used in lube. [CollegeNews]

When we find out a guy we think is cute can't spell, we get really disappointed. Same goes for Joanna Angel. But hey, she Twitters some pretty great stuff. [Twitter]

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks her buddy Joaquin Phoenix needs some street cred if he's doing to keep rapping. She thinks he should take a trip to the projects. [People]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 22:47:00 GMT

Ovarian cancer, which is known as the silent killer because it's so hard to detect in early stages, killed 15,000-plus women in the US last year. But now, doctors are a step closer to developing a way to screen for it. [Us News & World Report]

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, who just got engaged last month, supposedly married in Savannah, GA this week. [People]

Gisele would like her new husband Tom Brady to put a baby in her. Right now. [Us]

The worst craigslist job posting of the day? Asking writers to contribute a story with a minimum of 2,000 words for $20 about how they have quit caffeine. One would have to be on some form of caffeine—if not crack—to be willing to write 2,000 words for $20. [Craigslist Kansas City]

In the wake of the Chris Brown Rihanna mess, Tyra Banks is devoting tomorrow's show to the topic of teen dating abuse. And Ms. Banks will add a personal touch to the conversation, though it appears her relationship was more emotionally abusive than physically abusive. [FadedYouth]

Holidays We Dig: National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:19:00 GMT

Today is National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day. So do something nice.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

We can hardly believe it either (and don't worry: our precious pussy is still alive and well).

Highs:

We can only hope to age as well as these women.

And that we'll be as ballsy as this one when we hit that age.

We saw Keith Richards whip it out. Sort of.

We had way too much fun with Wikipedia audio.

And with Google image search.

We found out newest volunteer project.

This guy (or gal) Twat the best.

We learned that human breast milk tastes just like or better than cow milk when put in delicious cupcakes.

This was after we discussed whether or not one should suckle it.

And quite possibly the most important high of all: we are no longer on the road to becoming a crazy cat lady.

Lows:

Our vaginas cringed.

We learned even more about why we're so bad at dating.

Tonya Harding came back into our lives. (But did she ever really leave?)

Apparently not too many of us are having regular sex.

And if we keep reading shit like this, we'll never want to have sex again.

Especially if online porn is dying.

Since when was "bobbit" a verb?

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Even Crazier Than We Thought

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:51:00 GMT

The sheriff's department in Chicago's Cook County is suing Cralgslist, claiming the site is the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Um, yeah? [SunTimes]

Dare we pick up Jonathan Littell's 1,000-page Nazi-centered novel "The Kindly Ones" which "manages to be a near-masterpiece of historical fiction and at the same time a bloated, overlong masturbatory fantasia of sex and violence?" We just might. [Yahoo!]

Even Facebook is Twittering now. Sort of. [InformationWeek]

Prosecutors have charged Chris Brown with beating his girlfriend, Rihanna. He could get almost five years in jail if convicted of the two felonies. [Defamer]

Apparently Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman couldn't even keep track of her children when she only had six, as evidenced by the audio of this October 9-1-1 call in which she can be heard screaming "Where's my son?" Sounds a lot like Angelina Jolie in Changeling, no? Except Angelina didn't say over and over again that she was going to kill herself. [Radar]

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