Scanner : 9/11

While You Were Sleeping: The Top Gunning Lesbian

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:09:00 GMT

Great news, everybody, swine flu has not affected The Real World: Cancun.

This time, Sean Penn is the one to file for a separation.

A high school marching band member fended off a robber with her baton.

Check out the senior citizen sisters' heroin operation.

A teen prostitute in Sweden claims she was forced to have sex with over 500 men.

Elizabeth Edwards says her husband John should not have run for President a second time, especially after that whole idiotic affair fiasco thing.

A FEMA coloring book features a 9/11 image.

David Blaine is teaching Mia Farrow how to starve herself for publicity.

And Kelly McGillis came out of the closet.

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Strip Show

While You Were Sleeping: Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape Is Inspiring to Young Girls?

Scanner Colleen's Encounters of the Presidential Kind

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:00:00 GMT

My fellow Americans, I have only had one Presidential-themed encounter personally, but I'm going to share my mom's anecdote and my dad's half-one as well. It's a Kanes' Brushes With Presidential Fame Extravaganza.

Picture it: Central Jersey, nineteen eighty something. My moms was driving along route 287 when a high-end foreign car (she forgets the make now, but guesses BMW) took a swerve towards my mom's mustard-colored Volvo station wagon. Mom looked over at the driver, who was rummaging for something on the dashboard, and was startled to recognize one of the most iconic faces of her lifetime looking back.

It was Jackie O! She lived in some ritzy part of the Jerse at the time, possibly Pluckemin, although that factoid is now hazy in my parents' memories as well. They met eyes, and Jackie did a little "oops, sorry" wave. Then my mom and John John's mom happened to get off at the same exit, and happened to end up at the same strip mall. (Nobody was stalking anybody, so lay off.) Jackie was heading to the dry cleaners, noticed my mom's car as the one she'd swerved at earlier, and waved over to her. She was maybe not the greatest driver, but no one could deny the lady's grace.

It must have been the early 80s, because I was young enough that I didn't know who Jackie O was, but I remember how thrilled my mom was telling the story to everyone. Another time, my dad stood behind Jackie on line when she was buying cigarettes, but he didn't get any Presidential waves. I did though, years later. Here's my encounter, as told when I was interviewed on Gothamist.

A few days after September 11th, a few friends and I made it into the sealed-off downtown area to try to volunteer at one of the hospitals. We ended up sitting in a waiting room for hours, not being of any help to anyone. The whole front glass wall of the waiting room was covered with missing-person fliers. While waiting there I saw, on the fuzzy local TV news (all the TV towers had been knocked out, remember) President Bush boarding a small plane to come to New York. That’s right, that goon is President, I was reminded again. Finally we gave up waiting around to help and headed out. I peeled a scrap of paper from a car that was covered in that damp, gray-white dust that was made up of the collapsed buildings and humanity and planes. It said “Appendix,” and I kept it in my pocket. As we walked uptown we were stopped by a cop, on a corner across the street from City Hall. All pedestrian traffic was stopped on all corners at that intersection, though we weren’t told why. Finally a succession of black SUVs and other Secret Service vehicles with tinted glass came around the corner heading down to Ground Zero…it was the Presidential motorcade. New Yorkers on each corner of the intersection stood silent as the motorcade slowly proceeded by, then we saw President Bush’s grinning monkey face at one window, and he waved and gave us the thumbs up. The fucking thumbs up?! Was he joking? Nobody waved back, cheered, booed, or said much of anything, really. It was just like, Holy shit; that was the President. It was just another odd sight to an already stunned populace at one of the most unreal times ever.

Kind of a bum note to end on...but then just remember OBAMA!

USA!

Happy Presidents' Day, everyone.

Shocker: Bill Clinton Has Extramarital Affairs

Republican To Steal Election For Obama By Running Against Him

Al Qaeda Endorses John McCain For President

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:07:00 GMT

We were always a bit perplexed by these Republicans saying that Al Qaeda would welcome a Democratic White House, as if what terrorists want is some sort of laid-back President who doesn't want to fight them. Yeah, Al Qaeda's goal is to be ignored... right. We also recall seeing Rip Torn at the 2004 RNC and being disturbed that he was consorting with two people wearing "9 out of 10 terrorists prefer John Kerry" buttons. And doing so on New York City soil, no less, was twice as disgraceful.

Now, it seems a just reward for those who would exploit 9/11 for political gain that the McCain-Palin ticket has just received a nod from Al Qaeda itself...

Here's most of the text from a message on a terrorist website, which is for members only and is password protected. (We found it here, lest you think we're members or something.) The poster notes that because McCain is likely to continue fighting the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Al Qaeda should support him. (Take that, Republican scum, your candidate is the one who actually endangers American lives.)

"This requires presence of an impetuous American leader such as McCain, who pledged to continue the war till the last American soldier. Then, Al-Qaeda will have to support McCain in the coming elections so that he continues the failing march of his predecessor, Bush."
"If Al-Qaeda carries out a big operation against American interests, this act will be support of McCain because it will push the Americans deliberately to vote for McCain so that he takes revenge for them against Al-Qaeda. Al-Qaeda then will succeed in exhausting America till its last year in it."

While You Were Sleeping: Colin Powell To Endorse?

Scandals Clinging To Sarah Palin Like Trig To Her Pantsuit

Sloppy Seconds: Which Power Ranger Is Guilty of Murder?

If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

Top 5 Most Offensive Commericals We Can Think Of At The Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:04:00 GMT

We've been so busy renting DVDs from a certain mail order/internet service that we haven't watched television, certainly not television with commercial interruption, for what seems like years now. So it's a very jarring experience to go over Scanner Emily's house, eat casseroles, and watch something from the modern era called The Biggest Loser and stare in mute agony at the barrage of filth and garbage that gets thrown back in our faces. By the advertisers, of course.

This got us thinking about how grateful we are not to see commericals, especially this atrocious fivesome, ever again. Here are five television ads someone hopefully got fired over...

5. "Racist" McDonald's African-themed commercial. 'Nuff said.

4. When the guy gets out of the car in the beginning of this Credit MacDaddy commercial, we were deathly afraid it would be a zombified Rick James.

3. Forget whether the makers and signer-offers of this ad should be fired, they should downright be imprisoned for exploiting our veterans for monetary gain. It's so bad, it'll almost make you forget about the Republican Party's exploitation of 9/11 victims for political gain... naw, not really...

2. This one's just probably offensive to our intelligence. Although we don't even want to think about the possible number of people who actually trusted that guy with their money.

1. The top ad here (Senator Chambliss' ad against then-incumbet Democratic Senator and Vietnam Vet Max Cleland), which famously linked a man who lost limbs for his country to Osama Bin Laden (and succeeded in defeating that man), is easily the most offensive commercial in human history. Here's a bonus... a commercial that's either a) extremely offensive or b) not offensive at all, depending on your point of view. Just staying neutral on this one, we have to admit it's hard to explain why this might be offensive. Maybe it's that it's not effective... or that it turns domestic violence into a Hollywood action sequence... or that it's just plain terrible and a waste of money better spent actually helping victims of spousal abuse.

Related:

What Do You See Between Her...?

Love It Or Hate It? Obama in 30 Seconds [autoplay video]

Heinz Commercial Furor Proves The UK Can Be Just As Bigoted

Video of the Day: JC Penney Wants Your Kids to Have Sex?

Top 10 Toys That Made You Gay... in the 80s

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:13:00 GMT

Janet Jackson kicked off her first tour in six years with an emotional performance in Vancouver. [People]

We pity the fool who will soon be Mr. Tara Reid. [dListed]

We're not the only ones expecting the new 90210 to suck. Shannen Doherty doesn't plan to do more than four episodes. [Yahoo!]

~~Spiderman~~ Tobey McGuire is all set to give his big speech at the 9/11 memorial service tonight. Huh? [Cryptome]

Project Runway judge and former Elle fashion director, Nina Garcia, has a few things to say about Sarah Palin's wardrobe. For starters, she should drop the glasses. [Radar]

But if you dig her look, you should find your perfect pit bull in lipstick shade. [The Frisky]

Lauren Conrad, of The Hills, has just signed a three-book deal with Harper Collins. We quit. Has she even read three books in her lifetime? [Us]

After smashing up a photographer's camera at LAX, Kanye West realized that TMZ had been taping the first incident and allegedly went after the TMZ camera person. (We probably would have done the same thing). [LAT and TMZ Video]

If There's One Way to Make The Tragedy of 9/11 Worse, This is It

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Remember earlier today when we said we wanted to forget that it's the seventh anniversary of the World Trade Center terrorist attacks? Well, ladies and gentlemen, artwork like this is why.

After the jump: "free fries for your suffering" and "like a Jesus rising up from the ashes."

More pain and suffering at Wonkette.

Lindsay Lohan Takes Time Out of Her Busy Day to Remind Us It's 9/11

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:07:00 GMT

We'd almost forgotten that today is the seven-year anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center... otherwise known as the cringe-worthy phrase "nine-eleven." Actually, we tried to forget, not that we can get too far away from it. And it's not so much that we want to forget what happened, as that we want to avoid interacting with people who like to take pictures of "Ground Zero" and wear "We'll Never Forget" t-shirts. Unfortunately, we have Us Weekly and Lindsay Lohan (and Sam Ronson, too!) to remind us.

“I am in New York and I would like to remind everybody to take a moment today for those lost in tragedy that occurred on 9/11/01," Lohan blogs.

Ronson adds that "waking up in NYC this morning, seven years later ... feels like just yesterday this city and our worlds were turned upside down."

Ronson recalls what it was like witnessing the attacks.

"Never in my lifetime had I ever believed that I would see such horror - the kind that you see in documentaries set in far off places and read about in text books," she writes.

"Never in my life had I ever thought that I would wake up and fall asleep afraid, watching things on television that felt like a film, walking through a city that felt like a war zone," she goes on.

Adds Ronson, "There were army vehicles on Houston Street, barricades dividing neighborhoods and lines around the block of people waiting to donate blood -- set in front of a backdrop of smoke, filling a space where two of the largest buildings once stood.

"Two buildings that shaped one of the most famous skylines in this country, or in the world... seven years later, and I will never forget," she writes.

"I don’t really know what to say," she says. "To all those we lost, we will never forget, and never take for granted, the sacrifices that you made."

Well, if Lilo and Sam have to talk to Us Weekly about 9/11, we guess that was as good a way as any to do it.

[Us Weekly: Lindsay Lohan Remembers 9/11]

[NYT: The Ceremony at Ground Zero]

Related:

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: "A Lovely Couple"

This Week In Gayness: Sam Ronson's Gay Tell-All About Lindsay?

Sam and Lilo Sittin' in a Tattoo Parlor... I.N.K.I.N.G.

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Sloppy Seconds: And Just How Will Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Make a Baby?

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:29:00 GMT

The government took over Freddie Mac and Sallie Mae, once again proving that if you bring in enough money, it doesn't matter who you fuck over, there will always be someone willing to bail you out.

That Asian junkie you've been reading about has thankfully kicked his addiction. You remember the story: he's an elephant.

Gisele Bundchen clears up those rumors about her "impending" marriage to Tom Brady:

Don’t place any bets on when Gisele Bündchen might marry boyfriend Tom Brady, says the supermodel. “I’m happy as I am,” she tells the Spanish edition of Vogue in its September issue. “Why is the whole world worked up about my getting married? I’m having a great time and I want to enjoy it.”

The Jerry Seinfeld commercial for Microsoft appears to have stumped everyone. Everyone.

Could the Top Chef: Ultimate Fighting Championship spinoff be far away in the future?

Obama and McCain will honor the victims of 9/11 and speak at Columbia University on the anniversary of the attacks. And yes, they were attacks, not bombings.

Meanwhile, the conservatives in Canada are learning how employ nasty Rovian tactics at home: the Prime Minister dissolved parliament in hopes the third election in just a few months will increase the conservative grip on government.

Between My Sheets polled the Top 100 sex bloggers of 2008. Obviously, we didn't make it because Between My Sheets isn't hip enough, damn it!

And Teri Hatcher has figured out the secret to life. Luckily for guys everywhere, it involves having sex with her:

[She] has motherly advice for her daughter – and the Desperate Housewives star is only too eager to share it. “Have great sex [and] eat the chocolate,” the single mom advises 10-year-old Emerson – and the general reading public – in Hatcher’s October column for Britain’s Glamour magazine.

Related:

Lindsay Lohan's "Secret Talent" Was Buried Forever

Quote of the Day: "I molded my ass."

Pure, Selfish, Chocolate-Filled Pleasure

Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

While You Were Sleeping: Who Looks Best In A Bikini?

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

This Week In Gayness: Man Gets 150 Days For Being Accessory To Gay Murder

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:40:00 GMT

An anti-gay advocate told his viewers to pray for God to rain (water? frogs?) down on Obama's outdoor acceptance speech later this month.

Wait, how can someone be both gay and a Mormon? Good luck to you, pal, 'cause that's a rough road yonder.

California Attorney General Jerry Brown, himself a former Governor, may have higher aspirations (again.) Which may or may not be the reason he says gay marriage will remain legal in the state, regardless of the outcome of Proposition 8.

Tila Tequila appears to be in a relationship with a woman. The endless putdowns from Lesbiantopia make Tequila's continued celebrity a bit more tolerable.

A businessman in Colorado appears to be a lock for the next openly-gay Congressperson after winning the Democratic primary.

About.com has Gay Pride pics from Chicago.

A 9/11 scammer who turned to blogging about gay life for extra cash has been extradited. Fucker.

Female-on-female prisoner violence has been exposed at one notorious New York prison.

UK straight divorce? 50 percent. UK gay divorce? Zero percent.

And the saddest news of the week is this:

Aleksandr Shevchenko was convicted of disturbing the peace after allegedly throwing a bottle at Satender Singh during a confrontation in July 2007 at a Sacramento-area lake. The jury deadlocked on whether to add a hate-crime charge to Shevchenko's sentence.

His friend, of course, is the one that threw that fatal punch that killed Singh. We're pretty sure he'll get community service, though.

This Week In Gayness: Sean Penn's Next Movie

This Week In Gayness: My Boyfriend Won't Put Out

This Week in Gayness: Virginia Accidentally Marries Gay Men

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Pick The Sexiest Woman Over 50

Love Myself for Hating You: Tila Tequila

New Orleans Politician Arrested While Getting-- How Perfect-- A Lap Dance

While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Scanner Controversy: The Most Controversial Posts Of The Past Two Weeks

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

We thought we'd spice up your Friday with the Scanner equivalent of jalapeño peppers.

1) Scanner Roundtable: Let's Settle This Whole 9/11 Thing Once And For All...

With this post, we swear, we didn't plan it in advance or have any knowledge what would happen would happen.

2) This Week In Gayness: My Boyfriend Won't Put Out

Apparently, Googling "homosexualmania" does not get you this post. Shame.

3) Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Didn't she try for a decade with Tom Cruise? Hasn't she been trying for years? Aren't celebrities so strange they might fake a pregnancy to a) help their careers and/or b) cover for the fact that they adopted/cradle-robbed/did something else to obtain a baby, thinking that, somehow, their box office will plummet if they don't have a "real" birth soon?

4) Is Batman's Crime-Fighting Simply A Cry For Help?

Scanner Nicole muses...

5) "Just A Fun Loving Nerd!!!" Just The Man For Us

Yeah, but those photos gotta be -shopped, right?

6) Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar?

Some are saying Eartha Kitt.

7) Crush of the Week: Gitty Grunwald, Fighting An Hasidic Cult For Her Daughter

It turns out the original New York article has become the the source of the most letters to the editor in that magazine's history...

8) "I Had Sex With My Brother" One Woman's Blue Lagoon

Some questioned our historical accuracy (Brooke Shields was that dude's cousin, after all), some just questioned.

9) Today in WTF: Guy Gets Off (For/On) Getting 14-Year-Old Girl Drunk, Violating Her

We were setting ourselves up for this one. There's still a debate on legal issues in the comments-- wait, it's interesting, we swear!

10) Watch the Homophobic Snickers Ad Pulled From TV

We're not controversial for posting it, we're controversial for associating ourselves with the fellow countrymen who produced it.

Scanner Roundtable: Let's Settle This Whole 9/11 Thing Once And For All...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:47:00 GMT

Willie Nelson is gearing up for a major concert announcement: he and a bunch of other old country and rocker dudes want to put together first, a show attacking the idea of war with Iran and second, to publicize the 9/11 Truth Movement.

This got us thinking: how many of our Scanner readers, you anonymous folks from all over the country (and beyond), think 9/11 involved bombs and explosions in the WTC Towers? And how many of you think the story is complete bullshit?

Fight it out in the comments. Feel free to link to videos, stories, and other stuff (no spam) you think helps your case...

And remember-- no personal attacks. Unless you're funny!

Bush: Me Like Book, Me Write Book

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:50:00 GMT

See, no one is going to give this incompetent ass, a born follower, a high-powered position in the private sector when he's finally, finally out of office. Okay, maybe Halliburton will hook him up. In any case, he hemorrhages money like I'm hemorrhaging brain cells after a night of birthday drinking. George Bush knows he'll have to make a quick killing when he leaves the White House, or else he's going to end up a dopey old pauper like Harry Truman, who was so poor Congress made a law saying ex-Presidents were not allowed to be poor again.

"I seriously don't watch TV. You know, I watch sports, but I'd much rather read books. And I do. I read a lot," he said according to a transcript released by the White House.

Name one, dumbo, and "My Pet Goat" and the funny pages don't count. Curiously, George continues to press on with this fool's errand-- the writing of his memoirs, that is. You think it might sound something like a book (ghost)written by Rudy Guiliani? (Imagine Jon Stewart doing George Bush doing the audio book when you read the below...)

It was 9/11. September. September the 11th. It was a cold, cold day in New York. And DC. I had been on vacation, but don't tell anyone that. I was in a school. In Florida, showing off my communications skills. To all the kids. I wasn't worried. I knew everyone in my Administration. Was going after Osama Bin Laden. We were gonna catch him. And then the first ~~bombs~~ planes hit the Twelve Towers. And then I leaped in front of the one trying to blow up the White House, and I took it down with my bare hands. Amen.

In other words, it will be filled with choppy sentences, unfinished thoughts, grammatical and spelling mistakes, and incredible lies. But, of course, the media will champion it as some sort of "redemption" and call it a "heartwarming narrative." Whimps.

Via Yahoo!/Reuters.

Scarf is to Terrorist as Leather Jacket is to Gay?

Katie Halper — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Scanner Emily and Scanner Brian did a great job breaking the Dunkin' Donuts story. But there's a new twist nobody is paying attention to.

Michelle Malkin outed Rachael Ray, as the Jihadi we always suspected she was. But now, thanks to Malkinian journalism, we have the proof: an incriminating Dunkin Donuts ad in which Ray dons a Keffiyeh, a traditional head scarf worn by Arab men.

We still have to be vigilant. Who knows what cell Ray is really with. Since the Keffiyeh is worn in several countries, Ray could be worse than just a Yasser Arafat fan. She could be a Bedouin sympathizer, a Somali apologist, or even a die-hard Laurence of Arabia fan, whether man or movie? In fact, couldn’t the Keffiyeh be Ray’s red herring? Could Ray be hiding Osama Bin Laden? If not, how do we explain this terrorist gesture which was first popularized by Osama Bin Laden?

Dunkin’ Donuts tried to play on Americans’ natural freedom-loving and paisley-loving sensibility by insisting that the scarf was “a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design.” But Michelle Malkin saw through that silk facade and exposed the truth about Ray’s scarf: it’s cotton. And it’s an accessory of mass destruction. Malkin explained the air tight slam dunk intelligence which proved Rachael Ray’s Arab/ Muslim/ Palestinian/ terrorist affiliations:

The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.

We appreciate Malkin’s heightened post 9/11 patriotism. But we were sickened to find incriminating photos of Malkin in a leather jacket. The same woman who vilifies and conflates all Arab men, is actually promoting gay leather subculture. Let me explain:

...a Leather Jacket, for the clueless, is the traditional jacket of Gay leather men that has come to symbolize the homosexual jihad against our values. Popularized by Glen Hughes of the Village People and a regular adornment of Gay liberationists appearing in pride parades and Queen videos, leather has been been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and INTERNMENT-OF-JAPANESE-AMERICANS-DEFENDING RIGHT WING PUNDITS.

Ms. Malkin. I was prepared to boycott Dunkin Donuts, as you suggested. But unless you apologize for mainstreaming gay sub culture and leading a gay jihad, I’ll have to boycott you.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds..., Losers of The Day: Dunkin' Donuts

Dear Iraq: I'm Just Not That Into You. -America

Katie Halper — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 22:00:00 GMT

Hey Iraq,

What's up? It's me, America. I'm sorry I didn't really plan anything for our five-year anniversary Wednesday. You know I was never good with dates, or making plans, or remembering anything, especially when it comes to your needs. I mean I could barely keep your family members straight, you know like your Shia/ Sunni thing? That was really confusing! Wow, five years is a long time. You know, when I brought you democracy five years ago, I was really into you. In fact, I had had my eye on you for a long time. I was just waiting for some excuse to pursue you. So when that whole 9/11 thing happened, it seemed like the perfect ice-breaker. And I made a move.

But I think I was maybe into you for the wrong reasons. I've been doing a lot of processing lately. Remember how I used to tell you how badly I wanted to "invade you" and "liberate you" from that abusive dictator? Well I did. And after I freed you from Saddam, I ravished you; I ravished your oil fields, and I privatized your industries and and I drilled you long and hard until you didn't have any oil left to give me... and it was great.

But I have a knight-in-shining-armor savior complex. Or really more like a knight-in-insufficient-body-armor complex. And added to that was my Oedipal pathology and the weird issues I had with failure and impotence over the fact that I had gone after you in the 1990s but wasn’t man enough to seal the deal.

Anyway, there was just a lot of baggage involved. And honestly, the thing I was most interested in was your booty. I mean, after I removed Saddam and got your oil, I didn't really have a plan or anything, because I guess I was thinking with the wrong head. I guess, I didn't really think about what it would be like between us once Saddam was gone, whether we’d still be into each other, what your friends and family would think of me and how they'd respond to me. I didn’t even bother learning Iraqi, so I couldn't even communicate with you. And I fired all my translators because they're all gay.

And so I've been kind of going through the motions with you. I'm still with you, sure, but I don't really care about you as much as an occupying power should. And I guess I'm just not that invested in my relationship with you (I’m talking emotionally here).

And before you say anything, I know I've sent you mixed messages. And I apologize for the drunk dials and texts about your weapons of mass destruction and yellow cake and all that. I was just really trying to get into you oil fields.

Which is why, on our five-year anniversary, I didn't really do anything special. I mean in all fairness I was just too distracted because there are a lot of big things going on with me right now. You know I'm not really good at communicating, so the best way to understand where I’m at, what I’m thinking about and what I'm looking for in life (and on-line) is probably by going to Google Hot Trends. You’ll see that Wednesday, while you were celebrating our anniversary, I was busy looking at naked photos of Kristin Davis, trying to figure out if Sex and the City’s Charlotte really did go “from Deck the Halls to Licking Balls.” I was also really concerned about the "child uses lunchbox as toilet" story. And, honestly, how could I think about how many of your people and my soldiers have died, when I had a much more important calculation to determine: "how many horns does a unicorn have?"

So, Iraq, I guess I just wanted to say that if you want to be friends that’s cool. But if you’re looking for a real relationship, with a country that really cares about you and is willing to put in the hard work necessary to lay the foundation for a healthy democracy, it ain’t me babe. I’m just not that into you.

~~Peace~~ Best,

America

P.S. I’m telling you now because I wanted you to hear it from me. I didn’t want you to hear it from Iran, because I know you guys have this weird relationship. And the fact that I confuse you guys and can’t keep you straight sometimes doesn’t help, I’m sure. But you guys are neighbors so I’m sure you’ve already heard the rumors. I mean, I've already been outed by Seymour Hersh who said "my wet dream is hitting Iran." (Am I that transparent, Sy?) I’m trying to keep my intentions towards Iran under wraps. But, yes, I’m kind of starting something with her.

Not The Video of the Day: War on Terror Via Old Porn

Bryan Christian — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 20:34:00 GMT

Scanner Emily mentioned this yesterday, but after we caught it for ourselves, we thought it might deserve another mention. Because redubbing old pornos with new dialogue about the War on Terror is a fuckin' brilliant idea. After all, it's been five years of unrepentant, fetishistic whoredom, right in everyone's face on the TV and without an ounce of shame on the parts of the cocksuckers in charge. Sure sounds like porn to us.

But hey, you know what's a hardcore bummer? HItting the 2:00 mark on the video and finding a bunch of found footage and statistics about the War on Terror -- including a shot of some poor soul leaping off the World Trade Center.

Dude, filmmaker Arman Noory: as our good friend Eric Cartman says, you're breaking our balls here. You got a great metaphor here: we fuck the world, so when you want to discuss it, you use a bunch of people whose job it is to fuck to get your point across. That's funny and awesome. But you know what? When you got a conceit that powerful, you don't actually need all the money shots of the war, the tragedy, actual death and destruction, etc. We know, you made this for a school project so maybe you had to risk a bit of on-the-noseness. But still -- all that stuff struck us as, well, pornographic.

But keep at it, man; you got a good thing here. Stick to the redubbed porn clips; fine tune your ear for pithy, porn-appropriate dialogue; perfect both your method and your madness and in no time, we'll see ya at the...

Huh. Is there an Oscars for online videos?

Source: Bush Lied 47,519,848,857 Times About Iraq

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:47:00 GMT

The Associated Press is reporting today on two studies by independent organizations that point to a multitude of lies spread by George W. Bush and his cohorts.

"In short, the Bush administration led the nation to war on the basis of erroneous information that it methodically propagated and that culminated in military action against Iraq," concludes the Fund for Independence in Journalism.

A better conclusion would be: really? Bush lied about Iraq? Hey, so I've got this great property in the Glengarry Highlands in Florida...

According to the study, Bush made at least 259 of the 935 documented false statements from Administration officials (and as President of the United States, these cannot be dismissed as "errors," these are called "war crimes.") In second place, Colin Powell, former Secretary of State and perennial do-gooder who later admitted he didn't believe half of what he was saying.

Is this going to change anyone's mind about the war, which is apparently going so much better now that there are only 14 survivors left in Iraq?

[Photo: Lawrence Jackson, Associated Press]