Scanner : Chicago

Survery Says A Good Percentage of Women Wrong About How Healthy They Are

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 16:48:00 GMT

A new report from the Associated Press/i-Village/The Offices of Captain Obvious claims that women are generally wrong about how healthy they are and how healthy they look.

Survey says...

"The priorities are flipped," says Dr. Molly Poag, chief of psychiatry at New York's Lennox Hill Hospital.

About 60 percent of Americans are overweight or obese. The AP-iVillage poll of 1,000 adult women mirrors the government's count on that. More surprising, perhaps, are women's attitudes and actions.

Half don't like their weight, even 26 percent of those whose body mass index or BMI -- a measure of weight for height -- is in the normal range. But just a third don't like their physical condition, even though being overweight and sedentary are big risk factors for Type 2 diabetes, heart disease and other ailments.
The poll found women putting in a median of 80 minutes of exercise a week -- meaning half do even less. The average adult is supposed to get 2½ hours of exercise a week for good health.

And just 8 percent of women ate the minimum recommended servings of fruits and vegetables -- five a day. A staggering 28 percent admit they get that recommended serving once a week or less.

So, next time you ask him "How do I look in this?" and he says, "Thin," perhaps he's telling the truth. Here's the only part of the results that truly surprised us:

About a quarter of the women surveyed said they'd consider plastic surgery to feel more beautiful. Their overwhelming choice: a tummy tuck.

Does that ring true for you?

Via Chicago Sun-Times.

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This Week in Gayness: Matt Drudge Does Not Love Gay Sex With Men

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Tony Blair stood up to the Pope on homosexuality. Too bad no one cares what he thinks anymore.

Rick Warren tried to rewrite history on Larry King's show the other night. Apparently, he didn't support Prop8 or say all those hateful things.

Isn't it nice to finally have an Administration that allows gay couples with children to join the Easter Egg Hunt?

North Dakota had to get all "God hates you" on the gays. See you in the next century, guys.

More about the Vermont gay marriage law. And Iowa's.

Headline of the week: Graydon Carter Has Monster Cock, Is a Very Good Fuck (According to Rupert Everett)

Matt Drudge issued a sort-of non-denial denial from the platform of his right-wing hate blog: "I Do Not Love Sex With Men."

A gay mom with two kids is not going to be deported from the US after all. Yet.

Just because a thinking man like Barack Obama hails from Chicago doesn't mean people are taking it easy on the gays there.

The ads were meant to tell Chicago that health issues for gay men are about more than HIV and AIDs. Gay men practice yoga, swim and meditate, too. But someone removed or taped over three key words in the ads on the back of CTA buses: Gay, sexy and healthy. White tape had been affixed over the words on an orange poster on the back of a bus. Someone told him a red poster had been defaced with red tape. He also saw that the three words were cut out or scratched out on some posters. [Gay News Blog]

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Senate Majority Leader to Conservatives Regarding the Gays: You've Already Lost

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Gay Bishop is About to Get All "Gay Bishop" on Your Ass

This Week in Gayness: Fred Phelps Attacks London

This Week in Gayness: Aubrey O'Day May Be Gay

This Week In Gayness: America vs. Fred Phelps

Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:18:00 GMT

O, hai. Have we missed the point of Omegle, the site that lets you talk to strangers without even signing up? We thought it was to have a random chat with no strings, no worrying about what you say, no... nothing? But apparently, like every other aspect of our lives, we are still worse at finding love than everyone else on the planet. Or at least we're worse than this Chicago girl, who thinks she may have found her special someone on Omegle.

Oh, sweetie. We should probably tell you that your Kansas City boy is actually this guy:

[Craigslist]

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Scanner Highs and Lows: That Was Then and This is Now

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Forty million people tuned in to watch Obama's press conference. Yes, but what does it mean?

We're not sure what to say about the bank robber who rammed his getaway car into another car, fled, took a bus, taxi, and a ride from his sister, and was finally apprehened at home with a paltry four grand when he was forced to call 9-1-1. It turns out that he'd arrived home to find his roommate dead of an apparent suicide.

Oh no! A Three Stooges movie now?! Make it stop... and tell these actors we now officially hate them: Sean Penn, Jim Carrey, and Benicio del Toro.

These defense lawyers for Phil Spector would crack us up if they weren't helping psycho get away with second-degree murder.

Would you eat a 4,800 calorie burger? Would anyone?

Remember the guy who was busted in the act of having sex with a car wash vaccuum cleaner? Yeah, a mere 90 days for scarring those witnesses for life.

Skype is #1 in the world-- take that, AT&T.

A GOP whip chose the whip Britney Spears used onstage.

Chicago's St. Patrick's Day Parade is no more.

It's week 915 of the tabloids pretending Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. But, for the first time ever, people are starting to believe it might be true.

And singer Elvis Crespo joined the Mile High Club... or so says this woman, who complained about it.

Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

"You'll Still Pay Money To Come See Me"

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble

Today in WTF: Guy Won the Lottery Because of His Dildo

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:43:00 GMT

In this recession, one of the biggest recycled stories running in the media is "what are lottery winners up to now, and how do we continue to milk them for sales?"

The Des Moines Register figured this out-- one that includes puns, dildos, and $2 million in prize money from decades ago. Did we mention the guy won the lotto because of a giant dildo? No? Then read on.

In 1992, Steve Charlton was a 23-year-old recent college grad, trying to make his way in the field of biology. One night, he and some friends decided to buy a birthday girl a giant dildo as a present.

His original plan was to drive the dildo to Chicago after the girl left it behind. However, when he realized his parents (who lived there) might see it, he hid it in his car and forgot about. One night, many moons later, he was having his car serviced and, after leaving it at the mechanics, realized what the dudes in the garage were going to find.

Charlton decided to get cash from an ATM and pay under an alias in order to hide shame from his family. Somehow, this also lead to him buying five lotto tickets from the place hosting the ATM, due to some sort of guilt over not making any purchases there.

And the rest is history.

But where is the famed dildo today:

He ended up using his biology degree after all: For five years he's worked in soil and groundwater sampling for an environmental services company.

How he won the lottery doesn't come up too much any more. When it does, Charlton said it's a story best told over beers.

As for the, um, adult toy?

Charlton has it. He jokes that he hangs it over his mantle like a prized fish, but in truth it's in a plastic tote in his basement. [Des Moines Register]

Basically, that dildo is worth $2 million, cash. If Charlton isn't using it, we'd like to try it out for good luck.

ABC News: Guess What? Sex Is Good For You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 20:58:00 GMT

Thank you, ABC News. Without you, we wouldn't be able to have sex without worrying whether we were "harming" ourselves. We were worried nasal-clearing, spirit-lifting orgasm were the worst thing that could happen to our tired, rundown, useless bodies.

Seriously, there is some interesting information in this and a rival USA Today report on how lowering your cholesterol can affect your sex life...

1) Via the good neighbors at ABC:

Men who have sex three times a week can decrease their risk of heart attack and stroke by 50 percent, while women who enjoy sex tend to live longer than those who don't, according to Drs. Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz.
It's interesting information for a species that thrives on sex.
"Humans maybe are the most sexual species of all," Roizen, an anesthesiologist and internal medicine specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, said on "Good Morning America" today.
He said researchers know this because women are sexually active for almost their entire lives and throughout all times of their menstrual cycle, meaning that they choose to have sex even during times when they are physiologically unable to produce offspring, he added.

Startling. Women are sexually active for almost their entire lives. You heard it here first, people.

Great sex can make your body feel two to eight years younger for women and the same is true for men who have 150 to 350 orgasms a year.
But the benefits don't stop there. Increasing sex from once a month to once a week is the happiness equivalent of an additional $50,000 in income for the typical American, Oz said on "GMA" today.

Yes, but most men would give up $50,000 of their income for sex with someone, anyone, once a week. If you think we're kidding, you obviously didn't hear about the two women selling their virginity for millions of dollars.

2) USA Today one-ups this report with one on statin-based drugs, which lower your cholesterol.

The greater the drop in cholesterol from taking statin drugs, the more sexual pleasure is reduced, suggests a study due Friday at the American Psychosomatic Society meeting in Chicago.

This may be the first research to pit statins against placebos to see how the blockbuster statins affect the ability to have orgasms. Statins generated about $13.1 billion in sales last year, according to IMS Health.

So, you'll have to weigh how much you want your cholesterol to drop versus how much you want enjoy sex? That's harsh.

Good news, though: if you stop-taking these life-saving drugs, your sex life will likely improve. The bad news is... something.

Via ABC and USA Today.

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Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 16:28:00 GMT

...for liberals.

Because the "Barack Obama is gay" narrative is entirely the work one deranged and entirely unlikeable character, he can only embolden Democrats with his bizarre and unbelievable claims...

Larry Sinclair, the same transparent wacko whose story of doing cocaine off the cock of Barack, has apparently returned to save the Globe from plummeting newsstand sales. "Well, what have we got? There's nothing going on right now, so let's recycle the Obama Is Gay story-- just don't mention Sinclair on the cover, so everyone will think these are new allegations from someone actually slightly believable." Or something like that.

It turns out Sinclair is putting out a book, according to his frightening and laughable website. (Why is his shirt on backwards on the homepage, for starters?) Here's the Globe's obnoxious tease for the issue:

PRESIDENT Barack Obama is caught up in a new gay sex and drug scandal - and his loving wife is heartbroken, sources tell GLOBE in a blockbuster world exclusive. Find out all the details of the letter Michelle Obama received from the MAN who claims to be her husband's lover - and how America's devastated First Lady is fighting back against a shocking new tell-all book. It's must reading!

If Michelle Obama were devastated by these allegations, she would have been over them this summer, as they are nothing knew. Nonetheless, check out the desperate right-wing kooks that come out to support Sinclair. These are the same people that thought illegal wiretapping, war crimes, the pointless deaths of thousands of American troops, rumors of W's people having wacked W's mistress (we're not making that up), and Dick Cheney's shooting of a hunting partner were all nothing to cry about over the past eight years. Oh, but one guy without a shred of proof that he had gay sex with the black Democrat in the White House... the outrage!

-Congratulations to you and my thanks to the Globe. I appreciate the magazine for their consistency in taking and printing updates on your narrative and the constant endeavor to expose the truth about Barack Obama.
-Heee heeee!!! America's "First Lady," is heartbroken! Well, diddums! She must have known about the book quite some time ago, though I guess she was hoping that if there were enough threats to Larry, the book would disappear. Well, Mrs Oscammer, why not invest in a few cardigans to cover those arms of yours because with any luck you'll be out in the cold before too long!
-Since Senator Byrd is criticizing our "king scum", I wonder if he will just suddenly die? Supposedly in the future, we will not have the freedom of speech to criticize him.bkw
-Rock on Larry !! I hope mo hits the wall and explodes with barry soetoro right behind her ! They are nothing but crap on the face of the earth !

The more these twits carry on, the better it makes Obama look. Read more, if you can stomach it, at Larry Sinclair's blog.

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:17:00 GMT

Now we officially want to punch the economy in the vagina (sorry, the vulva). Beloved Chicago label Touch and Go Records is shutting down distribution. [Pitchfork]

Even Madonna is co-opting vampire culture. Apparently she wants a role in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. [AfterEllen]

Taylor Swift would like you to not picture her naked. And we would like you to not think about a neon-green dildo. [Us]

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We were unaware they were dating. [People]

All you men who don't understand why average women are so insecure about our looks: even Dita Von Teese has self-esteem issues. Thank you, society. (It should be noted that moments before we saw this item we were thinking about how terribly beady our eyes looked without eye make-up). [FadedYouth]

Roman Polanski is not off the hook yet. A judge in Los Angeles refused to dismiss the 31-year-old sex case against the director because he's a fugitive. This, Mr. Polanski, is what you get for running away from your problems. But, the judge said he might reconsider if Runaway Roman returns to the US. We suspect this might be a trick. [Yahoo!]

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, has lost her publicist. The Killeen Furtney Group was representing Suleman for free, but decided to quit after receiving death threats via email and voicemail. [Snafu-ed]

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Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:36:00 GMT

Top 10 Worst Places to Live in the U.S.

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, you can at least be thankful you don't live in one of these ten horrendous U.S. metropolitan areas.

Wait, you don't actually live in these places, dear readers, do you?

Strollerderby directed us to this Forbes list of the ten worst places to live in the rapidly-crumbling American continental empire. Aren't you glad you don't live in these cities? Seriously, none of you actually live here, right?

1. Stockton, CA. The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here.
2. Memphis, TN. Crime is what did this in, according to Strollerderby. In our experience, we'd have to agree. On our sole trip to Memphis, we saw lots of street arrests, including of a tourist who had to be tackled and maced repeatedly by a cop who was trying to eat lunch when the tourist attacked our friends.
3. Chicago, IL. Blago, you bastard.
4. Cleveland, Ohio. "Cleveland, city of light, city of magic," sang Randy Newman mockingly almost four decades ago. Things haven't improved since, apparently.
5. Modesto, California earns its place here by being "one of the top three most dangerous metropolitan areas in California." Why it's more dangeorus than other dangerous metropolitan areas in the U.S. is also beyond our understanding.
6. Flint, Michigan. Michael Moore could've told you twenty years ago this auto industry town was doomed.
7. Detroit, Michigan. Ditto Detroit.
8. Buffalo, N.Y. Buffalo is the new badlands. If you don't believe us, try spending two hours in a bar there without arming yourself to the teeth.
9. Miami, Florida. Miami is about to be the first major U.S. city to completely collapse due to the mortgaging crisis. Hey, we didn't say it-- Forbes did.
10. St. Louis, Missouri. Hey Scanner Emily, at least it wasn't Kansas City.

Via Strollerderby.

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Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

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[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...

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Serial Killer Husband Has A Lotta Damn Gall...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Drew Peterson killed two of his wives.

As these are only accusations at this point (and barely even that-- the police haven't even charged him with a crime), we could get in a bit of trouble for saying that. But we may have to sacrifice a bit of our own livelihood to wake up this obviously delusional, possible future-victim about to make the biggest mistake of her young life...

An unnamed twenty-four-year-old woman from Bolingbrook, Illinois (if we knew her name, we'd call 4-1-1 and straighten her out, Alec Baldwin-style) is reportedly engaged to Suspect #1, Drew Peterson, whose wife hasn't even been declared dead. This guy's got major cojones-- I thought he was like OJ, searching for the real killer. And hell, at least OJ had the brains not to get engaged during the investigation into his ex-wife's murder.

This guy is one sick individual, God knows what he's capable of doing to his latest early-20's "love." (That's right, his current wife is 24, if she's still alive. How is this guy cleaning up the Illinois-area single women?)

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That's Some Scary Voodoo Sh*t Right There...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Astrology, religion, tarot cards, a left-wing President, voodoo-- all hoaxes to us. But although we would never fall into a trap set by a black magic healer and his wife, we understand that some people are so desperate to make changes in their lives, that they would even give up their bodies on the off chance it could turn things around...

(Remember-- there are no gods, curses, angels, miracles, Chicagoan saviors, or legitimate fortune tellers. If ever a man approaches you and offers to remove "a curse," tell him "that's the worst pickup line you've ever heard," kick him squarly in the groin, and take off running before the police arrive.)

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Frances Psichogios and her husband Tony Golossian tricked at least two women into having sex with them over a period of several years in order to "cure" the woman of a supposed curse. When the women's lives didn't seem to turn around, they went to the police, who arrested the voodoo king and queen for forced non consensual sex.

We'd like to know what it was that these women were trying to get rid of. A painful breakup? An STD? Or did it have absolutely nothing to do with sex at all? Scary stuff in any case...

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When Tina Fey Was "Fat"

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 20:23:00 GMT

You love Tina Fey now, right? But would you have loved her when she was not really fat but considered fat by Hollywood's standards? According to her and Maureen Dowd, and possibly Steve Martin, maybe not.

We haven't received our Vanity Fair in the mail yet, and we'll admit, we just skimmed the online version of Maureen Dowd's profile of the funny lady to find the quote about her famous scar. But the kids over at Daily Intel, who are much more diligent than we are, went through the article and pulled out all the quotes regarding Fey's previous, er, heaviness. And, well, fuck.

• "Her food-obsessed doppelgänger on 30 Rock, Liz Lemon, longs to … go home and eat a big block of cheese."

• Fey's husband describes her in what Dowd calls "her pre-glamour-puss days, back in Chicago. 'She was quite round,' he says, 'in a lovely, turn-of-the-century kind of round — that beautiful, Rubenesque kind of beauty.'"

• "Her true vice is cupcakes. I’ve brought her a box [Ed: Is Maureen Dowd being kind of a bitch here or is it us?], one frosted with the face of Sarah Palin. She chooses that one, which is bigger, joking that it’s O.K. if she gains weight before her Annie Leibovitz photo shoot in a few days, because 'Annie’s going to photograph my soul, right?'"

• "When it comes to her looks, she’s both forgiving and self-deprecating. 'The most I’ve changed pictures out of vanity was to edit around any shot where you can see my butt,' she says."

• "'I really wasn’t heavy in high school,' Fey recalls over lunch one afternoon at Café Luxembourg, where she dutifully switches her order from a B.L.T. to a salad."

• “I’m five four and a half, and I think I was maxing out at just short of 150 pounds, which isn’t so big. But when you move to New York from Chicago, you feel really big.”

• "She saw herself on an SNL monitor as an extra, 'and I was like, 'Ooogh.' I was starting to look unhealthy. I looked like a behemoth, a little bit. It was probably a bad sweater or something. Maybe cutting from Gwyneth Paltrow to me.' She wanted to be 'PBS pretty' — pretty for a smart writer. She called Jeff, who was directing a show at Second City in Chicago, and said, 'O.K., I’m starting Weight Watchers.'"

• "I got to that thing that’s so enjoyable where people tell you, 'Oh, you’re thin, you’ve gotten too thin.' Lorne was like, 'Please, please make sure you’re eating.'"

• "[Adam] McKay recalls Fey telling a story about her heavier days. 'Steve Martin walked right past her at the coffee table, and then, after the makeover, he was like, 'Well, hel-looo — who are you?'"

While we haven't had breakfast yet, this makes us just want to skip it all together so...that... people will love us?

Plus, she didn't look that fat, she was just wearing bad pants. Really bad pants.

[NY Mag: The Secret to Tina Fey’s Success]

Who Are You And What Have You Done With Tina Fey?

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Who Would You Rather?: Evangeline Lilly In A Manshirt or Tina Fey Scarfing A Sandwich

(Thanks, Nicole!)

When "You May Kiss the Bride" Is the First Kiss Ever It's Apparently "Magical"

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 19:47:00 GMT

Claudaniel Fabien and Melody La Luz practice what they preach. You see, they are "abstinence educators" in Chicago (you know, in the public schools) and they have been all kinds of abstinent.

The couple married on Saturday. And had their first kiss right about the time the preacher said "You may kiss the bride," because they didn't want to get too close to temptation.

So, what was it like to finally lock lips?

"It was surreal," said Claudaniel "CD" Fabien, 30, after his marriage to Melody LaLuz Fabien on Saturday. "It was like, my other self came out and said, 'Look dude, you're kissing her!' "

The bride described the kiss as "magical."

"It feels like such a gift," Melody said after the ceremony. "When you value a kiss, it becomes something of worth."

A few minutes later she was giggling as her new husband said, "We got business to take care of tonight."

We would like to think they've been secretly banging in the band room the entire time.

[Sun Times: Now You May Kiss the Bride]

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Hey George Bush, See What Your Abstinence-Only Education Has Done to America's Youth?

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The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

John McCain Unaware of the Uses of Condoms

(Thanks, Andrew!)

Burger King Wants You To Have $100... No, Seriously, Take The Money...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:50:00 GMT

Burger King is deliberately dropping wallets full of cash all over the country and, unlike the wicked New York City Police Department, they aren't arresting people who are kind enough to pick them up...

The blogosphere is abuzz today with stories of people in Arizona, Florida, and Illinois finding wallets on the floor of the local Burger King restaurants. The wallets were deliberately dropped or planted by hired help on a Burger King marketing campaign:

From November 12-14, the fast food chain will be leaving 5000 wallets around Chicago, specifically "in high-traffic areas and landmarks." Inside the wallets? "A BK Crown Card pre-loaded with $5 to $20 and cold, hard cash ranging from $1 to $100."
Yep, the wallets include notes telling the individuals who find them to go ahead and keep the wallets. Time Out Chicago reported on November 12th that Burger King planned to drop 5,000 of these wallets around urban hot spots in Chicago. According to reports from bloggers, the wallets contain actual cash, ranging from a $1 bill to a $100 bill, a gift card to Burger King, a “Drivers License” featuring The King, and a map of Chicago or Orlando area Burger King’s.
This is a brilliant marketing move, and the mainstream media is obviously lagging behind on discovering it - but creative and unique marketing ideas like this one don’t go unnoticed forever. I expect much more widespread attention for this promotion as the word-of-mouth affect begins to trickle up the mainstream media.

The economy is in such bad shape right now, with the highest new unemplyoment filings in years, that you half expect large crowds of people scouring their local BK's, not for the $1 menu, but like those weird beachcombers, hoping that someone hasn't scoured the place as thoroughly as they are about to...

Via the So Good Blog and NBC.

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While You Were Sleeping: Obama's Replacement

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:56:00 GMT

A 22-year-old became the youngest-ever World Series of Poker champ.

There will be (yet) another Cheech & Chong movie.

Check out this bizarre photo of Stephen Baldwin and Miley Cyrus... is the tattoo we've heard about real?!

Apparently so:

Talk about random...Miley Cyrus, along with Justin Gaston and her mom, hit a Christian bookstore last night in Tennessee for Stephen Baldwin's book signing. One word: why?

"I'm not exactly sure," her rep said, who's apparently as mystified as we are by this surprise showing. "I know they're friends of the Baldwins."

Stephen showed off an "HM" tattoo on his upper bicep that reportedly stands for Hannah Montana, Miley's hit Disney show. The story is that Miley dared him to get the tat, in exchange for a cameo on her show. [E!]

Tammy Duckworth, who lost 2006 bid for Congress, trails Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. in a public opinion poll that asked who should replace Obama in the Senate. Of course, these polls don't matter, since it's up to the Governor, but interesting nonetheless.

And Jennifer Aniston puts Angelina Jolie in her place-- not without cause, we may add.

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Expands the Family Empire to Include Brothels

Is 'Page Six' on Miley Cyrus Skank Watch?

Sloppy Seconds: Somebody Should Tell Miley Cyrus She's a Big Girl Now

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

Say What? Lindsay Lohan Uses The C-Word On Obama

Wired Magazine Tracking Real-Time Voter Fraud... So You Know Where To Not Vote

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:42:00 GMT

Pictures of "fraud" are boring... so we went with this one instead. Sue us.

Virginia, Georgia, Kentucky, New Mexico, Nevada and other early-voting states are already tilting the election toward Obama... as long as the machines register their votes, of course.

Seriously, though, this year we'll be able to watch our votes disappear in real time, thanks to Wired's awesome new interactive map...

You can check out the map here... when you do, note the following interesting complaints:

1) A voter in Chicago complains he was challenged by an inspector and asked for proof of residence at the poll.
2) Long lines at the North Miami Public Library.
3) Incorrect votes recorded in Nevada (people-- make sure to double-check your selections, it can't hurt to spend an extra thirty seconds in that booth.)

Also note the map is just getting underway... it will likely be chock full of chaos within the next week...

Have you voted yet? Let us know if you saw or experienced anything unusual, in the comments. ("There was a black man on the ballot!" does not count.)

Related:

If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

Yes Girls for Obama

Hayden Panettiere: "Don't F*ck With My Presidential Candidate"

Mom Sent 12,000+ Texts To Her Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend... Then Tried To Blackmail Him

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:45:00 GMT

Yes, we pretty much summed this one up in the headline... but you know there are thousands of these a day and if we're printing it, you know there's a lot of devil in these details...

An unnamed Illinois woman is being investigated for harassment, child pornography, and blackmail after her daughter's ex-boyfriend's family contacted the police. Wait till you a) find out what the unnamed woman does for a living and b) how old these kids are...

1) Police seized computers and cell phones from the woman's Elgin, Illinois home and her place of business. (We'll get to that momentarily.)

2) Police claim the woman sent approximately 12,302 text messages-- wait, how did they count them all?!-- just in the first seven months of the year to her daughter's ex-boyfriend. The boy's family waited all the way until August before contacting the cops. W... T... F?

3) When the harassment didn't work, the woman and her son, defending his sister's honor, threatened to release nude photos of they boy on the internet if he didn't see the dumpee "twice a week."

4) The strong-willed ex-boyfriend's age? A whopping thirteen-years-old. It takes some serious self-determination to not cave to that kind of harassment and blackmail, especially since it took so long to go to the police. (Either this girl was insane herself or this guy is our new personal breakup hero for his determination.)

5) Here's the best part. As the Chicago Tribune article reveals at its conclusion:

On Sept. 23, the woman left a message warning the boy she would "send the pictures and video of him to his teacher and minister to show them he is not a nice person," the search warrant stated.

Oh, and this mother's job at the school? She's a teacher.

God, we love Chicago.

Related:

Junior High Teacher Charged With... Oh My...

Hot or Not: The Lily Cole Playboy Cover?

While You Were Sleeping: Which Hollywood Celeb Loves Anal Sex?

David Letterman Grills Anne Hathaway About Her Criminal Ex

Naked Women of Curling... 2008!

A Sex Blogger That Doesn't Actually Like Your Sex Parts... At Least Not if You Work With Her

Sloppy Seconds: Why is Philadelphia Extra Sunny Today?

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Mister Clean, Mister Clean has died. Rather, House Peters Jr., the first actor to play Mr. Clean is dead at 92. [Yahoo!]

Bollywood is on strike! The world really is coming to an end. [Jossip]

"Can you say 'yes' instead of 'you betcha?" Number 6 on David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp. [Us]

Every once in a while there's architecture (even-book related) that we just don't like. For some reason, this upside-down bookshelf really, really bothers us. [BoingBoing]

Things must be serious between Sir Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend, Nancy Shevell. McCartney took Shevell to his daughter Stella's fashion show in Paris. [People]

We thought we'd never be able to afford property, but apparently we're not looking in the right places. A woman in Chicago bought a house in Michigan on eBay for $1.75. We'll give her $10 for it. [Saginaw News]

We really loved "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" the few times we watched it before we decided cable was a luxury we could no longer afford, so it's no surprise that we didn't know two of the actors were a couple in real life. Did you? Well, they're married now. [Defamer]

South African Lovers Pick The Wrong Place To Have Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:49:00 GMT

Everyone remembers the classic sex scene on the train in Risky Business. This South African couple may have seen the movie and misunderstood the actual location of the screen couple in relation to their train...

Details have begun to emerge from South African newspapers about a deceased couple, alleged prostitute Sibongile Radebe and her john, Mduduzi Michael Bandezi. (The rundown: the lovers were having sex on the train tracks by an abandoned railroad station when a train came along. The driver claims to have alerted the couple via the ol' whistle method, at least several times, but they were so into it, they either didn't hear him or didn't care.)

Bandezi died at the scene... he was wearing a condom, thankfully... while Radebe made it to the hospital, where she passed on.

The weirdest part of this entire story? This is apparently the local hotspot for sex with prostitutes: the cops found an undetermined amount of of condoms and their wrappers scattered all over the station.

Read the initial story here.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

Sex on the Beach: In Dubai, That's 6 Years in Prison

Sloppy Seconds: New Apprentice Set To Be Worst TV Show Ever

While You Were Sleeping: Mark Foley's Replacement's Sex Scandal

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Boy Catches Teacher Jerking Off... On The Teacher's Porch

You Know Your Wedding Was A Blast When You Were Both Tasered... Twice

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:48:00 GMT

We know it's still technically wedding season, but that doesn't explain why the last week or two has brought us some of the most insane wedding stories since the dawn of time. This time, however, we think we've found the one tale that will stand the test of time...

Because, seriously, how could a party this wild not be worth traveling, getting dressed up, and slipping the bride and groom a couple bucks?

1) Receptions can get out of hand, and often the police need to be called to clear the place out if it's 3:30 in the morning and staff overtime wasn't in the budget. But rarely do they get so out of hand that police officers from 14 precincts and departments arrive and taser the hell out of the bride and groom, then arrest them and make them spend their wedding nights in separate jail cells:

"The short version of the story is they didn't want to quit their partying," said Mike Sepic, Berrien County, Mich., chief assistant prosecutor. "If you put this in the class of wedding receptions gone bad, I guess this would take the cake."

2) Yuk, yuk. Also arrested that night, thanks to their interference in the arrests of the relatives, the groom's father, aunt, cousin, and uncle, each of whom ended up paying $450 and pleading to lesser charges.

3) The fairytale beach wedding turned ugly when Tom Burnison, co-owner of the gallery in which the reception was taking place, got angry with a reveler who tried to break a plate-glass window with one of his lamps. Burnison called the police, who trickled in and were allegedly met by angry, "cursing" guests:

"[The groom] got angry and started yelling, 'What are you doing? This is my wedding! You're making my wife cry!' " Skowron said. "The crowd was trying to hold back the groom from mouthing off more, but finally he broke free, and they had to take him down," Sepic said of police. "He was heading for the officers. . . . Then the bride moved in and tried to interfere."

4) What happened next, as the wedding photographer agrees, represents a total police overreaction and lends credence to the movement against the use of Tasers on unarmed civilians: as the groom was knocked to the ground, his wife held on to him; because of this, she ended getting shocked when he got shocked. The whole party quickly fell apart, and the unhappy couple were hauled off to the pen.

5) The coda to all this and what makes the story so memorable is the little paragraph the Chicago Sun Times failed to elaborate on:

Two nights later, the bride and groom were again arrested in Michigan -- and again shocked by a stun gun -- after struggling with police investigating a noise complain... The groom was charged with pushing his new wife down during that incident, but the charge was later dropped as part of a plea bargain...

6) What happened? Were they beating the crap out of each other? Arguing over whose fault it was their reception ended in disaster? We'd really rather have heard that these two went on to fifty years of a pain-free marriage, made all the stronger by the stormy wedding day. Two friends of ours were just married in New York and their honeymoon was similarly full of chaos: from car breakdowns to spider attacks to being locked out of their suite on the one night they had it reserved... and so on. But as their relatives reminded them, "Most great marriages had auspicious starts..."

Let's hope the same goes for these two... because things couldn't have gotten off to a worse start, no?

Photo and excerpts from the Chicago Sun-Times.

Engagement Party Ends In Cheating, Beating, Arrest, No Makeup Sex

Weddings From Hell: A Photo Essay

What's It Like Being The Husband Of A Porn Star?

Sloppy Seconds: Identical Twins Marry

Warning: Do Not Marry "Theater People"

Chicago Doctor: "I've Treated Hundreds Of Unconsummated Marriages"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:53:00 GMT

Dr. Domeena Renshaw, a professor of psychiatry at Loyola University in Illinois, has treated over two hundred unconsummated marriages in her 36 years. That may not seem like much on paper-- unconsummated marriages are believed to account for less than 1% of total marriages, but imagine going, as some couples have, 23 years of sleeping in the same bed without ever once having had sex...

Part of us says "WTF?!" while another part says, "It's touching how strong the bonds between these partners must be if they're sticking together after 23 years without ever having sex." There's something sweet about that, for sure...

"I would have thought it would have vanished by now," she says, "but [we're currently treating] two couples."
Nobody knows how many relationships - married or not - have yet to include intercourse despite both partners wishing they could get the party started... Another expert, Talli Rosenbaum, a private practice physical therapist in Israel who works with couples in unconsummated relationships, says she has treated "a couple hundred" over the past 15 years.

According to Renshaw, there are several reasons couples never get around to the bonking:

1) Erectile dysfunction (duh)

2) Other physical problems, such as vaginismus (which happens when a woman unwillingly clamps down the muscles in her vagina)

3) Poor knowledge about sexual functions (meaning, somehow, both partners don't know what their gentials are really for)

4) Religious conservatism (they want you to make lots of babies, but they don't want you to know how)

5) Or other complicated emotional reasons

The article goes on to say:

These possible organic causes are why most therapeutic sessions start with a thorough physical exam, followed by counseling and confidence boosting. Rosenbaum sometimes prescribes pelvic floor exercises for women, along with the use of plastic "dilators" of increasing thickness. Of course, men can be prescribed ED drugs, too.
Often, however, unconsummated marriage isn't really due to the workings of the penis or vagina. For example, medical reports show such marriages are more common in countries with strict religious cultures. A clinic in Istanbul reported treating 404 unconsummated marriages in just four years. An Iranian hospital evaluated 200 cases in two years.

Indeed, religious and cultural pressure can be a tremendous detriment to the wedding night, which can only spiral if intercourse isn't achieved as soon as possible. Families can get involved, oblivious to the fact their "helpfulness" is only making things worse. Still, we were totally surprised to learn this is a major phenomenon anywhere, even in India.

You can read more of this story at NBC.

Related:

Mildred Loving, The Mother of Interracial Marriage, Dead at 68

Just What The Doctor Ordered: Top 10 Health Benefits Provided By Sex

McLovin' Isn't All That Into Getting Freaky With You

10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Eight Ways Great Sex Will Make You Rich

Woman Decides Sex and Marriage Don't Go Together

This Week In Gayness: Man Gets 150 Days For Being Accessory To Gay Murder

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 17:40:00 GMT

An anti-gay advocate told his viewers to pray for God to rain (water? frogs?) down on Obama's outdoor acceptance speech later this month.

Wait, how can someone be both gay and a Mormon? Good luck to you, pal, 'cause that's a rough road yonder.

California Attorney General Jerry Brown, himself a former Governor, may have higher aspirations (again.) Which may or may not be the reason he says gay marriage will remain legal in the state, regardless of the outcome of Proposition 8.

Tila Tequila appears to be in a relationship with a woman. The endless putdowns from Lesbiantopia make Tequila's continued celebrity a bit more tolerable.

A businessman in Colorado appears to be a lock for the next openly-gay Congressperson after winning the Democratic primary.

About.com has Gay Pride pics from Chicago.

A 9/11 scammer who turned to blogging about gay life for extra cash has been extradited. Fucker.

Female-on-female prisoner violence has been exposed at one notorious New York prison.

UK straight divorce? 50 percent. UK gay divorce? Zero percent.

And the saddest news of the week is this:

Aleksandr Shevchenko was convicted of disturbing the peace after allegedly throwing a bottle at Satender Singh during a confrontation in July 2007 at a Sacramento-area lake. The jury deadlocked on whether to add a hate-crime charge to Shevchenko's sentence.

His friend, of course, is the one that threw that fatal punch that killed Singh. We're pretty sure he'll get community service, though.

This Week In Gayness: Sean Penn's Next Movie

This Week In Gayness: My Boyfriend Won't Put Out

This Week in Gayness: Virginia Accidentally Marries Gay Men

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Pick The Sexiest Woman Over 50

Love Myself for Hating You: Tila Tequila

New Orleans Politician Arrested While Getting-- How Perfect-- A Lap Dance

While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Harry Potter Rock Stars Adorably Nerdtastic

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:46:00 GMT

These Wrockstockers are so endearingly nerdy, we may just marry them in a Wiccan ceremony presided over by Dumbledore and go on to have little Mugwumps for children, but only so long as they haven't picked up any Hogwarts along the way.

Seriously, if you live in New York, Green Bay, or Chicago, look out for book dorks rampaging on the countryside this summer...

Apparently, the duo is part of some sort of "wizard rock" music cult that is sweeping the nation, threatening the very Christian cult values we hold dear. Look at them-- they are clearly rebellious Catholic schoolgirl types, in ties and Converse sneakers, probably smoking Mary Janes and eating unsanctioned rice cakes between classes.

Too late now-- they're both in college on the East Coast and have a CD coming out next week. Lord Almighty, there is no stopping these, lest He Who Must Not Be Named comes back and smites them down. And let's hope not-- 'cause, in all seriousness, these girls rule. Check out their songs on MySpace-- we're loving "I Was There" and "Transparent." It's like the Moldy Peaches, with a way more impressive repertoire and only ten dollars more of a recording budget.

We plan on being the first Harry Potter lookalikes in line to try to sneak backstage and try to impress them with our JK jive and black-and-white shoes. (There are going to be other bands, apparently 14 more, at these Wrockstocks, whatever that means, including Harry and the Potters, but the Myrtles are the real draw on the below dates...)

Jul 10 2008

8:00P

Portus 2008

Dallas, Texas

Jul 18 2008

7:00P

Barnes and Noble HP Mourning Party with Liane Graham

Bridgewater, New Jersey

Aug 6 2008

12:00P

Hilton Chicago Hotel for Wrock Chicago at Terminus!

Chicago, Illinois

Aug 17 2008

8:00P

TBA

Somewhere, Pennsylvania

Aug 23 2008

12:00P

Wrock for Darfur! in Waryas Park

Poughkeepsie, New York

Sep 21 2008

1:00P

NYC Wizard Rock Festival!

Brooklyn, New Yor

Via Honolulu Advertiser.

Nader Claims Obama Is Talking White, Last Two Supporters Quit

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Obama with Grandpa and Grandma.

The fact that Barack Obama is half-white should mean even dumb politicians would know better than to accuse him of "talking white." But that's just what Ralph Nader did, effectively ending his relevance for good...

"There's only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He's half African-American," Nader told the [Chicago Sun Times]. "Whether that will make any difference, I don't know. I haven't heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What's keeping him from doing that? Is it because he wants to talk white?"

White people everywhere should be offended. Christ, black people everywhere should be offended.

Speaking Wednesday, Obama almost sounded sorry for Nader.

"Ralph Nader hadn't been paying attention to my speeches, because all the issues that he talked about -- whether it be predatory lending, the housing foreclosure crisis . . . I've devoted multiple speeches," Obama said. "Ralph Nader is trying to get attention. I think it's a shame because if you look at his legacy in terms of consumer protections, its an extraordinary one."

Obama went on to accuse the Independent candidate for using shock tactics to get attention. Ralph, wake up! The torch has been passed, whether or not you did the hand off yourself. Time to rescue your image, not doom it forever.

Via the Chicago Sun Times.

Sloppy Seconds: What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:57:00 GMT

An album recorded by the band Chicago in 1993 is finally being released. Finally! [CNN]

PETA is PETA'd off (sorry, we had to) about that "real girls eat meat" t-shirt Jessica Simpson was sporting, and we actually happened to like. [dListed]

Confession: we didn't vote in the 2000 presidential election (even though we were old enough). Apparently, half of the people in our age group who voted in the primaries this year didn't vote in the 2000 primaries, either. See what happens when young people fail to vote? [MTV]

Uh-oh. Is the world really ready for the next Miley Cyrus? Too bad. [Jossip]

It appears that Anne Hathaway and her billionaire BF have split after four years. [MollyGood]

Someone else did a much better job of writing up the Vegas trip than we did, including Julia Allison's almost nipple slip. Though, a nipple got a boldface mention and we didn't? Boo! [Radar]

And we found possibly — and hopefully — the only picture of us in Vegas. Luckily, our face isn't showing. Neither is our nipple! Also. We are pale. [Flickr]

Related:

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Julia Allison

It's Friday the 13th and Scanner Emily is About to Board a Plane to Vegas

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Crush of the Week: Andrew Bird

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 May 2008 21:02:00 GMT

We were super excited when we sat down on our friend's toilet this weekend and picked up her copy of Time Out Chicago, only to find that musician Andrew Bird was featured in its cycling issue.

“I’ve definitely written songs while biking,” says Bird. “Just occupying your body so your mind can wander is pretty key.” “A Nervous Tic Motion of the Head to the Left” from Bird’s 2005 breakthrough album The Mysterious Production of Eggs is one of many melodies that came to him on two wheels.

He brings his bike, a Heron (appropriately for a Bird), on the tour bus. “I bought it for myself as a reward for all the touring I do. It’s been great, but four years ago in Saint Paul [Minnesota], I spaced out and went over a curb and my handlebars, bashing the hell out of my knees.”

He likes to cruise the backstreets of Bucktown in summer, late at night. “On Hoyne or Leavitt between Division and Webster with the streetlights and canopy of trees,” he says, “it feels like a movie set.”

We certainly crush on boys on bikes and as much as we try to fight it, we crush on musicians, too. So for his lovely tunes and his green transportation, Andrew Bird is our Crush of the Week.

[Time Out Chicago: Song Cycles]

I Can't Serve on R. Kelly's Jury Because I Believe I Can Fly

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 20:23:00 GMT

Is anyone surprised that the judges in R. Kelly's child pornography case had a really, really hard time finding 12 people to sit on the jury? Especially when so many Chicago residents "heart R. Kelly" or support changing the age of consent?

We can't imagine who wouldn't want to sit on this jury, but some people did not. In fact, they came up with some pretty good excuses, including claiming to be a fan of the accused:

"I (heart) R. Kelly."

Nothing gets prospective jurors booted faster than telling the prosecution they are a fan of Kelly's. Just ask the woman who called him a "musical genius." When prodded to say something negative about Kelly, the best she could come up with was: "He and [rapper] Jay-Z don't get along?" Prosecutors bounced her soon after.

The next best way to get out of jury duty is suggest changing the age of consent to puberty:

"I would change the age of consent."
Two who were kicked off offered this philosophy, one going so far as to suggest that "nature already had an age of [sexual] consent: puberty."

If all else fails:

"Please call my mom."

When one juror failed to show up for service, deputies called his house and his mother answered. She told the court that she didn't know where her son was and that he hadn't been "right" since he was shot in the head a while back. The judge and attorneys agreed to let him off the hook.

Even though they apparently have 12 jurors and two alternates, this trial is never happening, is it? And let's face it, if R. Kelly goes to jail we won't get any more Sex in the Kitchen for a long, long time. Are you ready for that reality? We're not.

[Chicago Tribune: Jury now has 12 members, 2 alternates]

[Previously: We'd Give Our Left Nut for a Seat on R. Kelly's Jury, If We Had Nuts]