Scanner : China

Transgender Marriage Struck Down By the Great State of Tennessee

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:08:00 GMT

In November 2007, a man and a woman walked into county clerk's office in Davidson County, Tennessee. Both had driver's licenses identifying them as "opposite marriage people"-- or, in logical land terms, a man and a woman. They were quickly married and promptly forgotten about by the state...

...until this past March, when a woman named Jo T. Rittenberry was arrested in a different county for assault and fraud. The police determined that she was actually a man and notified the state's marriage board, which this month invalidated the marriage from November 2007. In their announcement to the press, the state said that it doesn't matter if Rittenberry is male or female-- she was born a male, and thus this was a same sex-marriage, which is illegal...

While we strongly disagree with the judgment by the state-- there are more both-sex babies born in this world than people know and there's no valid reason to stop a gay marriage in the first place-- it couldn't have helped that Rittenberry, well... didn't really have sexual reassignment surgery, at least not successfully:

Rittenberry was born a man but identifies as a woman and claims to have had sex reassignment surgery. Although Rittenberry's Tennessee driver's license and Kentucky birth certificate say "female," both the Montgomery County Jail and the clinic where Rittenberry claims to have had surgery insist that Rittenberry is still biologically a man. [The clinic claims no operation was performed, according to the AP.]
"The marriage is real to me," Rittenberry said in a jail interview. "I could care less about the system. I just wanted me and Jeff to be together. He wanted to marry me and I said 'yes.'" [Leaf Chronicle]

Meanwhile, there's this story out of China:

Fu Shitou met Wei Jinhua through his sister-in-law and eventually the two got married. Recently, after three years of marriage, the couple had a doozer of a fight and Wei stormed out. Wei wandered the streets of Zhechuan in China until, by a series of unfortuate misadventures, she was picked up by police and strip searched! Hmm, that’s when the police discovered Wei was a he and not a she! Oh dear, I don’t know who broke the news to Fu but he was just as surprised as the police. Fu later confessed he had never had sex with his wife. OK, surely the fact that the toilet seat was never down…???? [Friggin' Loon]

Yes, if you're not going to ever consummate the relationship, you should at least peek at her when she's in the shower to find out for sure...

Seriously, though, we don't know what to make of either of these stories... more via the Nashville Post.

Australian Family Association in Desperate Need of Vibrators

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This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Second Carrie Prejean Topless Photo Released... Will This Nightmare Ever End?

Sloppy Seconds: Michelle Obama Does the Unthinkable

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 22:41:00 GMT

MSNBC has finally discovered fuck buddies. And that college students have them. [MSNBC]

Will items off of the Chipotle value menu have fewer calories? We sure hope so. [Yahoo!]

We always wonder why people who spend lots of money to have signs, boxes, etc. printed don't get copy editors. An Oregon company probably could have used one before printing a phone sex number on their cereal box. [Google/AP]

Starting next month, same-sex couples can be legally married in Sweden. [BBC]

More "celebrities" blogging about their relationship woes. Meh. [People]

Madonna is already celebrating the adoption of a child she has not yet officially adopted. [Us]

A man in China swallowed a pair of scissors. And survived! [Telegraph]

For the first time in 57 years, the Queen of England publicly hugged someone (sort-of). And that someone was Michelle Obama. And then Obama hugged the Queen back (sort-of)! Apparently, this is a big deal. [DailyMail]

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China's Last Eunuch

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:30:00 GMT

Sun Yaoting, the last livijng euneuch in China, was living history when he died in 1996. Thirteen years later, his biography is finally coming out, and it reveals things like the sex lives of eunuchs and their emperor, the castrations performed at home, and the resulting incontinence.

Sun cried to his amateur biogapher only when recalling his castration and the time when the pickled remains were later thrown away. He became a eunuch to gain acces to the emperor's Frobidden City, in hopes of avenging stolen property and the buring of their home by a landlord. The description of Sun's home castration is not for the faint of heart or stomach.

His desperate father performed the castration on the bed of their mud-walled home, with no anesthetic and only oil-soaked paper as a bandage. A goose quill was inserted in Sun's urethra to prevent it getting blocked as the wound healed.

OK, that's enough about that. It took him two months to be able to leave his bed, when he discovered the emporer he intended to serve had abdicated.

HIs biographer told Reuters, "He never became rich, he never became powerful, but he became very rich in experience and secrets."

So depressed now.

Related:

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Even Sex Fairs Are Weirder In China

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While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

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Exploding Office Chair Kills Man, Um, Anally

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:25:00 GMT

You do the math. Oh, right, this doesn't really make sense does it? Let us try to offer you a bit of an explanation.

According to Gizmodo:

A 14-year-old boy in China was killed when his chair exploded, sending chunks of metal into his rectum. The bleeding this caused killed him. The alleged explosion came from the gas cylinder that was in the base of the chair, the part that allowed the user to adjust the seat up and down.

Is this even POSSIBLE?

[Gizmodo: Boy Killed Anally When Office Chair Explodes]

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Mistress Contest Goes Horribly Wrong

Colleen Kane — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 18:10:00 GMT

In a case of life imitating reality show, a married Chinese businessman held a contest to determine which of his five mistresses he would keep. (He was downsizing, due to the economy like so many are these days. Don't you feel bad for him?)

It went downhill, literally, from there.

One of the mistresses was eliminated based on her looks, according to CNN, and then under the guise of a "sightseeing trip," drove the man and the other four mistresses off a cliff. The driver, Yu, died, and the other passengers were injured. Then word got out about this contest via a letter left by Yu.

(You know there are producers out there crying because they didn't make this a TV show before this bit of ratings gold drama went down, and someone is now writing up a pitch for a series called "Take My Mistress, Please!")

The businessman paid Yu's family $84,744 to compensate for her death.

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Man Commits Suicide by Stabbing Himself in the What?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

This may be the craziest way to die we've ever heard.

Experts say it's very shocking when someone, as in the case of singer Elliot Smith, commits suicide by knife because of how painful and prolonged the plunge can be. (We promise the story we're about to tell is much more subdued than that graphic sentence.) That kind of self-inflicted stabbing has nothing on what one Chinese man did to himself...

A very confusing report out of China indicates a man was admitted to the hospital due to some sort of poisoning fear. There may also have been some external bleeding. X-rays soon revealed that the man had a knife inside his body and that the knife had entered through his... yeah, we won't finish that sentence lest you vomit. According to the man's nephew, the victim shoved the knife up his anus in an attempt to kill himself, likely over an outstanding debt from a recent surgery and a generally rough life.

The report seems to say he survived and made a full recovery, then goes on to talk about how he's deceased. We can only speculate that the one odd paragraph (about his survival) is incorrect or was supposed to be updated, while the rest of the story is accurate. Or maybe some bored Chinese newspaper made all this up and we're falling for it.

Either way, we've finally found the story that trumps the anal absurdity of the woman about the vicar admitted to an English hospital with a potato up his butt.

Related:

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

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Cringeworthy Story of the Day: Inmate Tries to Cut Off His Own Penis With....

Emily Farris — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:09:00 GMT

A convicted murderer in Santa Ana insists that he is "a good person who made some really bad choices." In addition to murdering a Newport Beach couple in order to steal their yacht and slashing another man in a "murder-for-money" scheme, Skylar Deleon tried to cut off his own penis while in prison. You might be thinking, 'but prisoners can't have knives or scissors.' And you're right.

In 2007 a locked-up Deleon tried to cut off his own penis with a razor because he believes "it doesn't belong there."

"As far back as I can remember, I always knew something was not quite right," Deleon said. "It's kind of weird, I mean I like girls, but I also always felt like a girl."

While the story didn't state what kind of razor he used, it pains us to be realistic enough to believe it was probably a single-blade disposable razor, which—to the best of our knowledge/Google searching—is the standard shaving device for inmates.

Deleon probably could have dug a hole to China in the time it would have taken to remove his own penis with a Bic razor, but luckily other inmates alerted deputies who rushed his cell and, uh, nipped the operation in the bud.

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Woman Pregnant for 60 Years, Totally Fine

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:59:00 GMT

When a 92-year-old Chinese woman went to the doctor complaining of stomach pain doctors were, uh, surprised to discover that she'd been pregnant for 60 years.

Huang Yijun suffered a (presumably late-term) miscarriage in 1948. When her doctors told her it would cost "more than the whole family earned in several years" to remove it, she decided to just leave it in there.

Dr Liu Anbin at Qingshen hospital said: "I couldn’t believe my eyes when I discovered she had a baby in her belly. I’ve been a doctor for more than 40 years and it’s the first time I have seen something like this."

That baby has been in her belly longer than he's been a doctor! Medics are now doing tests to determine if Huang needs an operation to remove the baby.

Consultant Xu Xianming, director of the Obstetrics and Gynecology department at the hospital, said, "Normally a dead foetus would decay. It’s very rare that Huang can be so healthy."

Um, yeah.

[The Sun: Pregnant for 60 years since 1948]

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It's Never Too Late to Find Love and Lose Virginity

Colleen Kane — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:40:00 GMT

In a story combining the subjects of this blogger's first two posts of the day (losing the old V-card, finding love) a 107-year-old Chinese lady is finally ready to take the marriage plunge, and she's looking for a suitable bachelor her age.

Wang Guiying never married and would like to be less of a burden on her family, and so her search begins.

"What will happen if I don't hurry up and find a husband?" she is quoted asking on news.com.au. Well...the answer is obvious: she'll die. But let's hope she doesn't die first. Ms. Guiying didn't get a good impression of marriage while growing up, seing relatives scolded and abused by husbands in a time when women were lower class citizens, but you have to give a centenarian credit for being willing to give marriage a try at this late date.

And an encouraging aside to single younguns: finding a mate is a tremendous challenge, especially as the pool of singles shrinks the older you get, but at least you aren't this lady.

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Image

Sex on the Beach: Zhang Ziyi Won't Go Nude For A Movie, But...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:32:00 GMT

Chinese bombshell Zhang Ziyi is a strange creature, according to the world's horniest sex blogs. These blogs, including Fleshbot, gently rib Ziyi for refusing to appear nude in her films (she uses body doubles-- so those Google searches are only turning up fakes, people) but going nude in public and fooling around with her boyfriend on a crowded public beach.

Who cares about the debate, really? We just want to know-- is this guy in love with her butt or what?

These pictures have already caused a stir on the internet, for several reasons: 1) Zhang is about to marry this guy, Vivi Nuevo, an Israeli, which isn't going over well in her homeland; 2) Zhang's nude photos are splashed all over China's websites during a period where the country is cracking down on porn; and 3) well, Time just needed a traffic boost.

China and Japan At War Again, This Time Over Who Has the Best Sex Tape Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 20:19:00 GMT

This may be one of the most impressive sex tapes around. For not only does it feature a very lucky man getting it on with a very attractive lady, it goes on to involve three more women in the course of one recording.

Japan's ultimate fighter Hayato “Mach” Sakurai, who fought a widely-publicized event on New Year's Eve, is seen here in a sex tape that has been making the rounds on his country's most risque blogs. Sakurai isn't talking about it-- not just because it was a distraction from his training, but because his wife may not be too happy to have seen him banging four different women.

Meanwhile, China is still dealing with its first major sex tape story-- the latest chapter involves internet sensation (and, thanks to her online nudity, current prison inmate) Kappa Girl being offered a movie deal by Harmony Films in the UK. It may help her transition to fame, since most of her blog entries are in Mandarian or another language English-only pervs obviously can't appreciate. (More about her case here, via Fleshbot.)

Of course, if anything interesting should surface in a language we can roughly fathom, we'll post it here.

Your Frenemy's Christmas Gift: The Artifical Virginity Hymen

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Hmm, something tells us this "Revirginator" might be a fake. What do you think?

According to this blog, they're very popular in China... among scam artists...

On the Chinese city streets everywhere, you will find these ads:

"Your virginity back in 5 minutes"
"The product of high-technology! Your unspeakable secret will be erased!"
"Get your virginity back for 260 RMB!"
"No surgery, no shots, no medicine, no side-effects. Only 260 RMB!"

Then we received an e-mail, ostensibly a promotional link but arguably straight-on spam. Emphasis added and all spelling/typos/grammatical errors are theirs:

Wow! Artificial Virginity Hymen, for ladies! Now you can let your man experience the first night again and stay virgin always. To get back your first night, insert this Artificial Virginity Hymen to your pussy, carefully, then it will expand a little and you will feel a little tight. When penetrate, this thing will ooze out a realistic blood. Yeah, with some groan and moan (o oh oOo. Oh oh yeah!), you will pass through undetectable. Please remember to clean your vulva after sex.

“The Artificial Virginity Hymen is created from Kyoto back in 1993 then firstly used by the local and soon got famous in Thailand in 1995 and now in south east asia, south asia and middle east countries. The Artificial Virginity Hymen is made of natural albumin, medical use inflation element and water-soluble base medicinal preparation which have no side effect.” [Link]

There were large-sized pics to go with the link, but the description is gross enough. Blogs are picking this story up now and running it straight. How much you want to bet not even a virgin guy would believe his female partner was still a virgin if she used this?

Warning: Do NOT purchase.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Gyllenhaal Divorce

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

This week, we're blogging from a quiet beach near Clearwater, Florida... so your news will be a bit more Southern and probably a lot weirder...

The government will finally bail out the public, thanks to up to $800 billion in money being directed toward allowing for more loans to consumers. Great, just what we need, more debt.

There's nothing worse than getting busted for being involved in prostitution and having your face plastered all over the local media. Actually, we take that back: there's nothing worse than getting busted for prostitution and having your face plastered all over the world, plus admit to dating a much, much older doorman who won the lottery and buys you expensive things. Yeah, that will go over well with your childhood community overseas.

Kristen Johnston, who took it off for-- what else-- PETA. And she, uh, mounted a house for the shoot...

Cancer is on the decline in the U.S. for the first time in our history. However, some naysayers are saying that the amount of people being screened has fallen as well...

We were a little surprised to see Republican Governor Charlie Crist talking "new taxes" in the paper here yesterday. Of course, the top story today? "Gov. Charlie Crist backs off both [tackling a foreclosure freeze and a cigarette tax] after talking to representatives of the banking and tobacco industries." What a whimp.

Even some elected officials were stumped by this challenging US history and government quiz.

One Florida neighborhood's concoction of choice this Thanksgiving? The Molotov cocktail, of course.

How great does Beyonce look as Etta James?

And Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal's parents are involved in a nasty divorce after 32 years of marriage. Mom is about to go bankrupt thanks to Dad not paying his share of their bills... won't someone think of the children(s' careers)?

Some unlinked stories via The St. Petersburg Times.

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China Joins The Sex Hotel Trend

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 20:43:00 GMT

In Naning, South China, there is a hotel with rooms full of bouncy balls, massage chairs, and... wait, what the hell is that?

Oh, right, it's that thing from that Sex and the City episode:

An employee demonstrates how to use the facilities in a hotel room for adults in Nanning, South China's Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region, November 6, 2008. The hotel has attracted lots of customers with each of the rooms furnished with a red bed with straps, an adult chair and a gym ball, while the owner is a little worried the hotel might be perceived as a brothel. [Link]

China's so weird, they use employees instead of scantily-clad models to show off their lousy products.

But Australia's got them beat: a monthlong resort orgy!

An Australian holiday resort will hold a month-long, nude "anything goes" party to combat an expected economic downturn, media reports said on Thursday.
"Tough economic times call for stiff measures," Tony Fox, the owner of the White Cockatoo resort in Mossman, in tropical Queensland state, told the Courier-Mail newspaper.

"It will be a hedonism resort, where anything goes for a month. It doesn't take rocket science to work out what it means," Fox said, naming March as the risque party month.

The controversial "clothes optional" resort made headlines three years ago when police were called to end partner-swapping parties after a swathe of public complaints.

"You've got to wonder what sort of people go and why. Where is the moral code of behaviour and how do you stop jealousies and fights?" Cairns Catholic Bishop James Foley said after Fox's announcement. [Yahoo]

Don't worry, Bishop, we'll attend and send you entire rolls of film, plus letters and reams of paper explaining the events in full detail.

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Even Sex Fairs Are Weirder In China

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:08:00 GMT

Over the past few days, China held one of its "wildest" sex fairs, the Guangzhou Sex Culture Festival highlighted cultural artifacts like "condoms" and "sex toys" to the bafflement of many attendees...

Seriously, it sounds like your typical sexfest, except for a choice word that threw us for a loop:

This year's festival features activities ranging from talks on birth control such as condoms to sex toys, a photo show on sexual health and eugenics, forums on sexology, quizzes and lingerie shows.

Ahead of the festival, sexologists gave a series of lectures to middle school and college students, as well as migrant workers. The goal was to improve sexual knowledge and awareness of safe sex, said Zhang Feng, chief of the Guangdong Provincial Commission of Population and Birth Control.

By the way:

eugenics
–noun (used with a singular verb) the study of or belief in the possibility of improving the qualities of the human species or a human population, esp. by such means as discouraging reproduction by persons having genetic defects or presumed to have inheritable undesirable traits (negative eugenics) or encouraging reproduction by persons presumed to have inheritable desirable traits (positive eugenics).

We were a bit disturbed by the inclusion of eugenics, but what should we have expected, seeing that this is China we're talking about?

A six-month survey of 65 such workers found 45 unmarried people aged 18 to 25 had premarital sex. The study also found that the migrants changed sex partners more frequent than local urbanites, said Zheng Lixin, deputy head of the Guangdong Provincial Institute of Birth Control Science and Technology.

"Migrants showed greater tolerance toward sex and were more liberal with sex partners," Zheng said.

Isn't it the same in the US? The unwashed masses are the liberals, with their babymaking and welfare moms, and the pristine conservatives having exactly 2.5 children and waiting until their affairs to have intercourse?

Promiscuity among migrants, which had caused sexual and reproduction problems, was endangering the reproductive health of this group of people, warned Zheng, who didn't elaborate.

Yes, because promiscuity among the upper classes never cause sexual and reproduction problems. Keep on keepin' on, China....

Via China Daily.

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How The World Watches Porn Now

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:14:00 GMT

Elmhurst, Illinois, you perverts!

Today, we were alerted to Internet Pornography Statistics, a website devoted to compiling mildly outdated info on how the world searches for porn.

Among its most interesting revelations: China makes billions more on porn than the United States does...

1) China made $27.41 billion from porn in 2006, while the United States made $13.33 billion. (The US still beats the Chinese in the per capita category by 17 billion dollars.)

2) These figures are striking:

Every second - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography

Every second - 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography [only 28K?!]

Every second - 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines

Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video is being created in the United States

...especially the part about every 39 minutes. Obviously, this doesn't include sex tapes, which are created every 14 minutes by celebrities.

3) The American city with the most searches for "porn": Elmhurst, IL, followed by Stockton, CA and Meriden, CT.

4) The top search phrase in the porn category was the word "sex." Surprisingly, "adult dating" was second and "porn" a distant third, with a 3% drop from 2005. We wonder what's #1 now? "Kim Kardashian ass," perhaps?

5) More females searched for the terms "Adult dating," "teen sex," and "free sex" than guys did. "Adult dating" and "adult sex" seem to be the search terms females use the most and the percentage of women in each category (18-24, 50+, etc.) spread almost evenly across the spectrum.

6) Guys and girls agree on a few things: the search terms "XXX," "Group sex," "Sex ads," "Sexy," and "Sex chat" were used almost evenly among men and women. There is some hope for us after all...

Read the rest here, via Internet Filter Review.

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Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

That Sex Toy Is... Pooooisssoooon

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:16:00 GMT

We've received a slew of tips for this one, from reader Elissar to former Nerve contributer James Frey (thanks all!), which shows you how alarmed people are.

It seems that Ann Summers, seller of sex toys and other goodies in UK stores, has recalled Chocolate-flavored body spreads and/or Chocolate-flavored penis and nipple spreads due to contaminated contents. The products are spiked with melamine, the same chemical that killed at least four Chinese babies in recent weeks, thanks to its inclusion in milk powder products. (No one is deliberately posioning anyone, at least we don't think so-- melamine, which is non-toxic in small amounts, is sometimes used illegally so products will pass protein requirements, among other less-nefarious reasons.)

The British Food Standards Agency (FSA) said melamine had been found in Chinese-made "I Love You" sets, sold at Ann Summers sex shops, containing chocolate and strawberry body pens and chocolate-flavoured penis and nipple spreads.

"This is a first. We've never had to put out an alert before on 'willy spread' -- chocolate-flavoured or otherwise," the FSA said on its Web site...

Via Reuters.

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Today in Sex Toys: The Shaver Vibrator

Sloppy Seconds: Olympic Horses In Doping Scandal

Caption This: Perv Photogs And Bai Ling's Nipple Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:10:00 GMT

Bai Ling was recently voted the world's Worst Dressed Celebrity in a poll of over one million blog readers.

Now, to add insult to, well, insult... there's this...

[NSFW ahead]

Last month, Ling was promoting one of her many, many movies (for starters, she has ten movies listed on IMDB as in "post-production") when she made the unfortunate mistake of bending over in such a loose-fitting dress...

This just isn't her year. Did you know that back on Valentine's Day this year, a distraught Ling was arrested at LAX for the crime of wandering out of a shop with a pack of batteries and a couple magazines? Luckily, she was able to plead to disturbing the peace and escaped with a small fine...

...but man, this girl needs a break. Then again, if you can shock a papparazzi just with the size of your nipples, maybe that's a good thing. (We're big fans of freaking out, pissing off, or generally driving these people insane... in case you haven't noticed.)

It should be noted we're pulling out this old pic because a) if we'd known about it, we'd have used it a month ago and b) we first started out telling you about Hayden Panettiere's nipple slip, which we realized is total bullshit:

See why we hate papparazzi? Not only are you invading someone's privacy on their 19th birthday, but you're taking a picture of their nipple and you don't even do a good job of it...

Via She So Crazy and 2Snaps.

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Amy Winehouse's Nipple Slip

What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

Sloppy Seconds: Is Valentine's Day Over Yet?

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So How Old Are Those Chinese Gymnasts Anyway?

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:40:00 GMT

Probably about as old as you think they are and probably not as old as they claim to be.

Thanks to one very sophisticated Google search (described here) by search engine hacker stryde.haxwe can see that He Kexin was probably born in 1994 rather than in 1992 as reported making her 14 years old instead of 16 and therefore not eligible to compete in the Olympics.

What news! We wonder if that hacker could manage to figure out what drugs Michael Phelps is on. Now that would be a discovery.

China Rebrands With... Death Star 2.0?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:04:00 GMT

China launched its plan for world domination on Friday with a swarm of drummers, dancers and flying levitating corporate logos meant to hypnotize every human on the planet.

Billed “One World, One Dream” by the time they beat us into submission with their 18000-strong storm trooper synchronized drumming, the planet was too enraptured to worry about the Death Star rising from the stadium depths.

Not to be left out, global corporations will play a major role in the New World Order. Telecom giant AT&T is limiting communications, Google is censoring the Internet, and Nike will expand its program to enslave our young people. Nike has also struck a deal to finally outfit the global population with those silver jumpsuits we were promised so many decades ago.

Our world leaders were also on hand to grace China’s takeover. President Bush and others waved feebly to our nation’s young elites as they marched proudly to their doom dressed as, well, our nation’s young elites.

To ensure complete submission, event organizers even enlisted the Voice of God to give His blessing and reassure the masses of our Dear Leader’s Benevolence. It is hoped that with so much entertainment the world will not pay too much attention phase II of “One World One Dream", which began simultaneously with much less fanfare but just as many fireworks in Georgia.

With this New World Order in place China is also hoping to expand its prison, science and citizen disappearance programs, which in the least would give our local Bodies exhibit a little more variety.

Photo via Dead Spin.

-written by Byron Dafoe, who is filling in for Verena this week

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China Says "Virgins Get Better Husbands"

19-Year-Old Girl In China Strips For Charity

Star Wars Tattoos... and Shame

Did Han Solo Show Princess Leia His Spaceballs in the Trailer?

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

This man, apparently, did not get our memo detailing things you should never, ever, under any circumstance attempt to have sex with.

The list includes:

#15 Bicycles--There are so many more jabby parts than appropriate orifices. Also, depending on who you ask, it might even be illegal.

#103 Horses--So maybe Catherine the Great didn't actually die from fucking a horse. The reason people believe that is because she totally could have.

#256 Your middle school student--If you need this explained, we hope you look good in the color orange.

And yes, another thing you should avoid having sex with is the hole in a metal Hong Kong park bench, cause nobody wants to Crisco up your sausage when you realize your mistake.

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A Walk in the Sexy Park

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part Two)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 18:29:00 GMT

Did you catch our hottest women of the Summer Olympics list? Here's part two... the guys...

By the way, we are going to go with almost all American athletes for this one just because it's been harder to find hot athlete dudes on the internet unless you can Google in other languages...

Andrew Campbell for Sailing:

Andrew Rosenthal, Volleyball

Brian McBride, Soccer

Raj Bhavsar, Gymnastics

And Alexander Despatie, the Canadian and world champion diver...

Via Cosmo and our own dirty minds. We welcome your suggestions for replacements or additions to this list in the comments...

See Previous: The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part One: The Females)

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part One)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:59:00 GMT

Naaaah... Maria Sharapova's too obvious a choice, but enjoy this photo anyway

NBC wants you to have Olympic fever... after all, how many hundred million dollars have they spent just for the rights to telecast the games?

By that rationale, they'll need to keep people hooked... and there's nothing that'll hook an American audience like drooling over the world's finest athletic specimens...

First, the Females:

Until just the other day, Ana Ivanovic was the number one ranked women's tennis player in the world. Forget Sharapova, man...

Katerina Emmons from Czech Republic: Because there's nothing hotter than a woman with a sniper rifle.

Kelly Sotherton from Great Britain. She nabbed a Bronze in Athens and Jackie Joyner-Kersee sees her as a heavy favorite to win gold this time. We just want to marry her and seize the throne at Buckingham. (Maybe because she reminds us a little bit of Carla Bruni.)

Jenny Adams from the US. The 100m master did an FHM shoot, so we'll root for her on that alone (although we don't read FHM or anything... really.)

Stephanie Rice from Australia. Going through a well-publicized breakup has got to be a major distraction on the eve of the Beijing Games, but swimmer Stephanie is the world record holder in the 200 meter individual medley and should perform strong here.

Continued in Part Two: The Male Candidates.

Several pics via Webtv.

Sloppy Seconds: Poor Bernie Mac, Morgan Freeman, and... OJ?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:04:00 GMT

A man is in jail in Florida after calling 911 twice to complain about an incorrect sandwich order.

We just can't picture it: Liv Tyler wants to launch her singing career.

In other news on this busy day:

Jake Gyllenhall is not engaged to Reese Witherspoon. Yawn.

Although reports of Bernie Mac's demise were exaggerated and not particularly humorous, Mac's health is truly in critical condition.

This is one move we wouldn't even pull to save our own lives.

OJ Simpson is in deep shit now: one of his co-defendants is testifying against him.

~~Violence in China has escalated ahead of the Olymics.~~

And Morgan Freeman may have fallen asleep at the wheel, was indeed with a female passenger (whose presence remains unexplained), broke a few ribs and hurt is knee, is listed in serious condition, but that's all...

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This Week in “Sexy Stuff Jessica Biel Is Up To”

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Prostitute Raid

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 13:37:00 GMT

Amy Winehouse was hospitalized last night for an allergic reation to some sort of medication. Yep, this was front page, above the fold, in the Metro paper today. Wow.

Barack Obama still fails to move many voters on the ready-to-lead issue.

Ashley Alexandra Dupre may be the next Dr. Phil, according to a steady stream of sources that say she's ready to sign a $2 million deal that would also include a primetime interview about her past. Meanwhile...

...married New Jersey businessman Thomas "TJ" Earle admitted to a fling with Dupre on Friday, saying he's "ashamed" of the month-long affair. [Fox]

A couple of po-po had to go out of their way to convince a group of party animals that, in fact, they were not the cop-costumed strippers the revelers had hired.

Zhang Ziyi, like many Chinese people, is either completely oblivious to China's human rights record or thinks the Olympics shouldn't be protested anyway.

Howard Stern sidekick Robin Quivers is single again. Poor Robin, will she ever find love amongst the sexual chaos?

And police busted up a pregnant hooker prostitution ring that operated over the internet. It's too early for us to think about, let alone deal, with this one.

Sloppy Seconds: The #1 Gay Icon

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:20:00 GMT

The New York Post just learned of alleged naked people in New York City. Congratulations on your eagle-eyed reporting, Mencken.

According to Australian news, there are reports of Chinese tourists possibly shooting donkeys for sport and because

Chinese traditional healers are known to use donkey skins to extract Ejiao. This extract can be used to make Nu Bao, a traditional Chinese medicine which is meant to improve vitality, increase a woman's libido and help with period pain.

Who tops a poll of the #1 Gay Icon Over 50?

Pierce Brosnan has seen off competition from fellow actors Bruce Willis and Richard Gere to land the title of most popular gay icon over 50 years old.

Another Obama Is A Terrorist t-shirt is making its way to infamy online.

St. Louis police looked no further than one of their own for why impounded cars taken in DUI busts have gone missing: the chief's daughter, who has been tooling around drunk in them.

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil could be home by Christmas, but no sooner, after being sentenced to more than two years in prison.

And the headline of the Day:

B-52 crashes into Pacific Ocean. TIN ROOF RUSTED

While You Were Sleeping: Porn Star Solves The Catholic Crisis

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Ashley Dupre is suing Ashley Dupre for "stealing her identity." Unfortunately, this is not the plot of Paul Auster's next book...

Gun control is apparently impossible to implement, even at a Chinese press conference... on gun control.

Penelope Cruz blames a little monster for her relationship problems. No, sicko, it's not in her pants.

Actors Jeffrey Wright and Josh Brolin were not victims of backwoods lawmen. At least, not in the racist backwoods lawmen sense. (Seriously, we're not surprised that the cops probably didn't use pepper spray and racial taunts in this case-- the proof is in their mugshots, which show both men to be relatively clear-eyed and cheerfully posing.)

Jennifer Garner is pregnant with her second child.

Check out these statistics, from the Telegraph:

One in five 11 to 15-year-olds in England - 640,000 school pupils - had drunk alcohol in the past week, figures published by the NHS Information Centre show.

The study found that the average amount consumed by teenagers who had drunk recently was 12.7 units a week, equivalent to six pints of beer or almost a bottle and a half of wine.

You think these numbers would be higher or lower in the US for the same age group?

And Belladonna, the 27-year-old porn star, offered to donate hundreds of her adult films to the Australian Catholic Church, believing it will help with their abuse problem. Bell, we're not entirely sure your movies are what they'd be interested in.

19-Year-Old Girl In China Strips For Charity

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:21:00 GMT

Over a million people have viewed these photos that Scanner Nicole showed us earlier of a partly-clad teenage girl who is raising money for victims of her country's devastating earthquake.

"I am still a student, so I am doing my part in my way. I just want to give something back to my hometown."

Of course, conservatives all over the world (especially in her home country) have been attacking the 19-year-old Xiao Yun:

'These photographs look like they were carefully selected. She probably just wants to use the viral nature of the Internet to raise her profile online.'

Another blogger lamented: 'It's a pity that these 'post-90' (referring to the year 1990) girls are so shameless. Is this all they know how to do? What happened to their dignity?' [Asia Finest]

We say it's a brilliant way to skirt obscenity law and do some good for people who have nothing. Unless she turns out to be hoarding the money for herself, we have to assume her heart is in the right place... [Note: We were going to include a donation link, but we can't even find the original website. Perhaps here?]

More photos here.

Via Ananova.

Previously: Chinese Student Understands That Charity Starts With a Little Titty Flash

China Says "Virgins Get Better Husbands"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:29:00 GMT

While we were pleasantly surprised to learn that women in China still give birth to girls, we were nonetheless puzzled by this story in the Southern Weekly, one of the country's last bastions of progressivism...

Shen Fan's "chastity education" lasted over ten years. When Shen Fan was in middle school, she hardly played with boys, let alone went to any parties. She didn't play with boys, she didn't feel she needed to. Even now, she never goes home later than 9 o'clock when she is with her family on holidays.

Sometimes her mother tells Shen Fan her own story: When she was sent to the countryside during the Cultural Revolution, she and her girlfriends were determined not to marry peasants. Their determination paid off: after they went back to the cities, all of the "sisters" got married with government cadres, doctor and businessman—all of them urbanites. Every time Shen's mother meets these friends, she becomes even more proud of the right choice she made.

"My parents believe that the most important thing for a woman is to marry into a good family, and losing virginity before marriage is losing competitiveness, which may lead to losing an opportunity of a good marriage," said Shen Fan.

Is a girl who remains a virgin until marriage more likely to find a wonderful, sexually fulfilling husband (not that the Chinese government wants that), or a guy who is just interested in conquering a virgin, then will run off to start the cheating? Or something else?

Anyway, that's all beside the point-- check out the closing paragraph of the article, which will only further confuse you:

Now Shen Fan has a new boyfriend, but she has not told her parents, because he cannot meet her parents' standards for a prospective son-in-law. Another thing she does not want to let her parents know is that they had sex. Shen Fan said she tries to avoid wearing warm-colored clothes because that makes her feel less guilty.

Wait-- this is a story about chastity that ends with an unlocking of the chastity belt? Perhaps the writer had trouble finding any Chinese teenagers that were still virgins.

Meanwhile, the chastity and abstinence movement rolls on, further ignoring the statistics that say the program is only backfiring...

Via Danwei.

	Every second* - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography*
	Every second - 28,258* internet users are viewing pornography* [only 28K?!]
	Every second - 372* Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines*
	Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video* is being created in the United States*