Scanner : Chipotle

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

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Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:22:00 GMT

This week, we said goodbye to Scanner Nicole... and a few turkeys, most of which were killed by Sarah Palin's henchmen.

HIGHS:

Newsflash: Kim Cattrall looks great naked. Seriously, though, she's 52.

Nerve hosted another Hendricks Gin party, this time in San Francisco.

Maybe this turkey death story will scare a few people into becoming vegetarians.

Sweden is unintentionally funny.

There's still time for you to win a signed Elton John DVD.

And you can play "Guess The Stache: Democrat or Porn Star?" till the end of time.

LOWS:

Nicole left us, but like the musical career of Jay-Z, she'll be back someday...

Won't someone think of the Gyllenhaal children?

We'll have to think of a Dexter-worthy vigilante justice for upskirt photographers. You know, minus the whole killing and dismembering part of Dexter.

Speaking of pervs, they're lurking outside your local liquor store these days.

Joe the Plumber may never go away.

Oh boy... more turkey death.

Newsflash #2: Chipotle is fattening.

And all the celebrities seem to be getting married behind our backs. Not only are they not inviting us and paying for our airfare, they're not exploiting their own love lives for professional gain anymore!

Yes, Scanner Emily. Chipotle will make you fat.

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:04:00 GMT

Yesterday we had a burrito from Chipotle. It was delicious. It also had 943 calories. And it didn't even have any meat in it! How do we know we consumed so many calories with one not-so-very-little burrito? We used the Chipotle Nutrition Facts Calculator, that's how. And, well, it's time to cut the sour cream; it would have saved us 120 calories!

Here's how it works: you just go to this site and plug in what you had on your burrito or in your tacos. Then you can feel guilty and go run or purge or whatever you need to do to feel okay about eating a 1,000 calorie burrito. We just sat and contemplated it. You can do that, too.

[Chipotle Nutrition Calculator 2.0]

Related:

Taco, Burrito, What's Comin' Out Of Your Speedo?

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Tacos We'd Like to F*ck: The Double Decker Taco

[Image]

Taco, Burrito, What's Comin' Out Of Your Speedo?

Ina Maier — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:21:00 GMT

Bored? Got no big plans for your Friday night? Got a strange and inexplicable desire to run around in your underpants and a hunger for a 2lb burrito?

Well, then we suggest you get your tighty-whitey ensconced ass to Central Park for the 2008 Chipotle Underwear Run.

Call us lazy, but what the hell is the point? Why would we voluntarily run anywhere? Let alone around Central Park in our underpants? Oh, apparently they give you free burrito. And a chance to have the most unflattering photo in the entire world taken of you in your skeevy skivvies. We're not even sure it's for charity.

So, yeah, while you won't find us anywhere near Central Park - let alone outdoors in this heat - we highly encourage you to do it. That way when we're at home tonight, splayed out on the couch in our underpants,swigging from a bottle of $3.99 red wine in between bites of our not-free and fully-loaded carnitas burrito - at least we'll have you guys to make fun of. Happy Friday!