Scanner : Conservative Christians

The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:27:00 GMT

Ken Starr serves as a shining example for all those who believe lawyers deserve their own special circle of hell: he's arrogant, blows through cash like a 93-year-old lottery winner, has no sense of justice or fairness, and is utterly oblivious to his own hypocrisy.

Take for example his latest endeavor: he currently finds himself at the center of the gay marriage battle in California, a closeted homosexual (you heard it here first!) "defending" marriage from people who actually want to have it. This guy's hypocrisy never ceases to amaze us...

From the Los Angeles Times:

Kenneth W. Starr, the former U.S. Solicitor General who led the inquiry into President Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica L. Lewinsky, will argue the case in favor of upholding a ban on gay marriage before the California Supreme Court.

Starr was today named lead counsel for the official proponents of Proposition 8. This afternoon, the group filed court briefs defending the legality of the proposition, which was approved by 52% of California voters last month throwing into question thousands of marriages performed during the five months the practice was legal in the state.
Opponents of the proposition argued that it amounted to a constitutional revision instead of a more limited amendment.

There out to be some equivalent of the "asshole tax" for guys like Ken Starr: only it should be for not knowing their history. In other words, people like Starr, who are constantly on the wrong side of history, humanity, and the Bill of Rights should be fined every time they stick their noses in everything. (Of course, that would be unconstitutional, but Starr doesn't even know what that means, so fuck him.)

Let's just make sure this is Kenny's Last Hurrah, and send him, Rick Warren, Rush Limbaugh, to whichever circle of imaginary hell they are most afraid of ending up in...

Read more at the LA Times.

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Rice University's Sex Magazine A Slap in the Face to Houston Elite

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 20:47:00 GMT

Conservatives don't want you to learn anything about sex, because that would lead to fulfilling marriages... and we all know that happy people don't listen to right-wing talk radio.

Parents of Rice University students are trying to figure out how to put a stop to a student-run magazine that openly (hence the title, seen above) discusses sex, as if twenty-one-year-olds should be allowed to talk about it, let alone have it...

Open, the Houston-based publication in question, has already received national attention for depicting nude female students in its pages. But the fact that the school hasn't been able to plug the loopholes the publishers have squeezed through hasn't stopped parents from pursuing other actions. Students aren't all filled with immature glee either:

The content of the 68-page magazine included articles, poems and short fiction with titles such as "Abstinence-Only Education Is Anything But," "Health and Body" and "Exploring Health Benefits of Sex."
The publication debuted on Rice's campus and in nearby businesses last spring to a mostly positive, albeit shocked, student reaction, Solnick said. [ABC News]

You can check out the magazine here and decide for yourself if these kids are up t'no good...

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Who Would You Rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Ann Coulter?

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:01:00 GMT

We're really sorry to do this to you, but it's not like either of these conservative women is conventionally unattractive. So, if you had to pick one, who would you rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck or Ann Coulter?

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Today in WTF: K-Mart Abstinence Pants

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 19:04:00 GMT

Giving rival Wal-Mart a run for its braindead conservative money, K-Mart recently introduced a pair of women's pants with a slogan on them that has the blogosphere in an uproar...

From the K-Mart website:

"These athletic pants boldly proclaim just where she stands by pointing out that "True Love Waits" in a large screen print on the front and back of these pants."

Unsurprisingly, the K-Mart spokesperson evades the question as to whether this item supports abstinence:

"There may be some (customers) who made the (abstinence association), but it was not the intention." the pants have absolutely nothing to do with taking any kind of position, either way, on abstinence. "It was not associated with any group or any cause," said Amy Dimond. "It was just a graphic put on the pants."

We're buying that-- the pants, we mean, not her explanation. For, as The Frisky put it: "Because what says 'Abstinence Rules!' like a big ol’ message on your butt?"

P.S. It should be noted, as AZ Central does, that "there is no similar product for young men."

Via AZ Central.

South Korea's Mind-Blowing Adultery Saga Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 May 2008 20:25:00 GMT

In South Korea, where adultery is not just grounds for public embarrassment but arrest as well, two of the nation's biggest stars are embroiled in a widely publicized marital meltdown that could have far-reaching ramifications for the radically conservative country.

When the fading TV heartthrob Park Chul accused his actress wife of infidelity, he ignited an undignified row that has transfixed South Korea and probably mortally wounded the careers of two of the country's top stars. But the best might yet be to come: could Korea's rawest celebrity scandal end a half-century-old law banning adultery?

Last year, Chul publicly claimed his wife had had an affair with "an Italian chef and an opera singer," which Scanner is willing to bet are probably going to be identified as Mario Batali and Luciano Pavarotti. No? Well, in any case, the wife, with the unfortunate name (at least when read in English-speaking countries) of Ok So-ri was rumored to have been secretly videotaped having the affair.

Ok stunned Koreans by calling a press conference in which she denied sleeping with the Italian – who she said had only given her English and cooking lessons – but admitted to a short affair with the singer. She then aired intimate details of her sham marriage, leaving her husband feeling, in his words, like a "pedestrian hit by a car". Park responded by filing a criminal suit against his wife for adultery...
The offence, which conservatives say is designed to protect the family, carries a two-year prison sentence, although just 47 of the 1,200 people convicted last year served jail time (most were given suspended sentences).

Ms. So-ri (or "Ok") has petitioned the country's Constitutional Court (we doubt that their Constitution is as awesome as ours, although it's probably just as usurped) to overturn the law, which some observers speculate could actually happen. We're tempted to make jokes about what this would open the door for, but we'll admit this is too scary a story to poke much fun at. (Jail for adultery? Hell, back in 1992 in this country, you could elected President because you had an affair.)

Via the Independent.

Christians Having Better Sex Than You

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:01:00 GMT

Don't you love the sacreligious pic, via PhotoDisc?

Created in 1997, the site covers topics like anal, oral and phone sex; masturbation and role-playing; fetishes; bonding; and spanking.

No, they're not talking about Nerve, silly. It's actually the website of Pastor Paul Byerly of Salem, OR, entitled TheMarriageBed.com. And it's just the latest sign that Christians are opening up to the idea of exploring sex and enjoying some hot anal action in the name of Lord Jesus...

Among the highlights of this astonishing article from ABC News (all right, we're grossly exaggerating):

On Pastor Paul and his wife Lori: "The couple talks openly about their inability to enjoy sex because of Lori's history of sex abuse and his involvement in pornography." Wait-- Pastor Paul was involved in pornos?! Please explain, ABC! (Alas, someone didn't do their follow-ups.)
These loveable old Christian weirdos even have some wit left in them at their age: "As pastor of the 15,600-member, nondenominational church -- one of the largest in the nation -- [Reverend Kerry Shook] recently delivered a popular sermon titled 'How to Make Your Marriage Sizzle.'" The witty part? "We were cooking beef burgundy with a reduction sauce." Get it? Sizzle fo' shizzle-- zing!
Shook: "One of the things we cover in scripture is how to meet each other's needs in bed." Damn! Who knew the Bible was dirtier than the Kama Sutra. (Proabably someone who's actually read it, unlike us.)
"Folks who are married and people of faith tend to have more sex, more often than people who are swingers." Sign us up for this crazy Christian nonsense if there is any proof whatsoever it'll work!
Dallas psychotherapist Melanie "is also critical of Christian attitudes toward premarital sex, which she argues encourages teens to marry young out of guilt. She also veers from the standard position on homosexuality." Is she single, perchance?

Okay, enough. Just read the damn thing-- although we've already spoiled all the best parts.

On Our To-Do List: Charles Barkley

Katie Halper — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:07:00 GMT

We're totally, full-court press, crushing on Charles Barkley after hearing him slam the Christian Right for being fake and hypocritical on CNN. Like so many crushes, Charles had us at "[Conservative] Christians... they're not supposed to judge other people, but they're the most hypocritical judge of people we have in this country." And hearing Charles say "I feel very comfortable saying I'm pro-choice and I'm for gay marriage" made us feel very hot and bothered. In case you're reading this, Mr. Barkley, we just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to drive us to the basket, box us out or double team us, we wouldn't call a flagrant foul.

Until somebody can really answer the question WWJD, we'll just live by this golden rule: WWCBD ("What Would Charles Barkley Do"). Hopefully we are on his "Who Would Charles Barkley Do" List. But either way, Charles Barkley is on the top of our To-Do List.