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We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Programming to Bring You The Best Craigslist Personal Ad of The Day

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:21:00 GMT

We'll be back in about half an hour.

Iowa Politician Swears He Ordered the Massage Without the Happy Ending

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 19:54:00 GMT

A City Councilman in Council Bluffs, Iowa, is on trial this week after ordering up a "sensual massage" via Craigslist. It turned out the masseuse was a police informant and the cops raided the hotel room before the happy ending.

But check out the excuses Darren Bates offered on the stand yesterday: they're only making his situation more comical...

"If I’m getting a massage I’d rather it be a pretty woman rather than a man or a bigger woman," he said.

Bates described a "sensual massage" as one in which a woman would provide very light touching on his body, "mostly on the stomach, they sit on your back. Very light touches, with fingernails . . . it provides a tingling sensation."

The women who have performed "sensual massage" on him before wore shorts and tank tops or lingerie, he said.

Instead of a "sensual massage," Bates said he instead got public humiliation for something he said would draw more attention than any murder story in Omaha in the last 20 years.

What Bates doesn't understand, and what you should this weekend before heading over to craigslist.org in your respective areas, is that the police in this country are freaking out about Craig and his lists. The murder in Boston has them paying closer attention to the "casual encounters" and "erotic services" sections of each city's page. Be careful-- you could end up like this dumbass:

"You could just as easily go in and look for a hot young girl to rub you down?" Sedlak said.

"It’s next to impossible with my schedule. It’s easier to get on my phone," he said.

Bates testified that he went directly to erotic section of Craigslist when seeking a "masseuse."

Sedlak asked, "Erotic means of sexual nature right?"

"It means sexy," Bates said.

Bates testified that he didn’t tell the truth when he gave an interview to World-Herald columnist Michael Kelly. Bates said he told Kelly that he had never before sought a massage.

"You weren’t truthful with press back then?" asked prosecutor Shelly Sedlak.

"Correct," replied Bates.

His attorney, James Martin Davis, later asked Bates why he didn’t admit during the newspaper interview that he had received massages before.

"One, my wife was there," Bates said. "Two, the press completely obliterated everything we’d said. They’d print that and completely go crazy with it."

Via Omaha.com.

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More of the Best of "The Best of Craiglist"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:43:00 GMT

It's hard to believe it's been almost ten years since Craig's List officially took over the internet. Craig Newmark's baby has long since proved its staying power and questions about its eventual demise are considered silly since no end appears to be in sight.

Another sign of its vitality is the continuing presence of wacky, original posts showcasing North America's admirable ability to not always take itself so seriously. These few posts prove the site will always be ridiculous, bizarre, unfiltered, and entirely readable... if only in the "Best of" section, which thankfully weeds out the dick pics and political maniacs.

First, a personal ad that makes us wish we were lesbians...

best of craigslist > montreal >

Con U muslim lesbo looking for sweaty "ententes" with Jewish McGillian

What's with the McGill snobbery? Are Concordia dykes chopped liver already?

I'm a sexy Palestinian-born, Concordia-educated lesbian looking to make my very personal, very profound statement for peace by offering my luscious bod to a Jewish McGill gal to do with as she pleases. Let us bridge our cultural and institutional differences in a shuddering display of joy and togetherness and be an example to the rest of the world

Come break some taboon bread with me and I'll sip your Manischewitz wine.

محبوب

Republican at CPAC

Yo... young Republican guy here, attending CPAC this weekend. Looking for a discreet, masculine guy to fool around with. Conservative, closeted guys preferred... would like to meet someone attending CPAC (there are plenty of guys looking for action there), so we have something to talk about. Into making out, jerking off, oral... maybe fucking. I'm 5'9, masculine, 7"uc, brown/ blue.

Be in good shape, under 30, and drug/ disease free. Send pics in first email.

Would prefer to meet up at your place, since I'm sharing a room....

Location: DC

best of craigslist > ann arbor

The Streaker Tripper - m4w

I was streaking through the Diag Friday night at 2:15 am. Coming around the corner of State and Liberty, fast as a naked blur, I bumped into you and we both fell to the ground. I was a little upset with you at first, cuz I scratched my right butt cheek pretty bad, but I knew it was my fault. You said, "Nice New Balances," And all I could say was, "Thanks," with the adrenaline still rushing. In less awkward circumstances, I would have liked to talk to you. I had never run into a girl that fast or naked before... I didn't know how to respond so I helped you up quickly and kept running. Since my friends paid me $100 for making it to Kerrytown with just my socks, shoes, and a big smile, I'd like to take you on a date. You looked pretty fit so maybe you'd like to go for a run sometime. Hit me up! Bye!

best of craigslist > madison

Looking for Bridesmaids - w4w

So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn't matter....you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won't have to pay for a thing.

Hope to hear from you!

There you have it, folks-- a dissection of love in North America, circa 2009. (See the full ads and more here.)

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:54:00 GMT

Laid-off bankers, waiters, bloggers, and other local degenerates are scouring Craig's List in search of Rent Money-- that down and dirty gig that will let them coast through this Great Depression in style.

The only thing they're finding are these ads from the sex industry, which itself is keeping Craig's List's sales department profitable...

Look good in latex? Join an extraordinary profession…

Reply to: job-tms4n-1099293875@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-30, 2:29PM EDT

We are seeking attractive, creative, college-aged females to join our team on NYCs most exclusive fetish and BDSM websites as webcam performance artists. This is a great opportunity for people who want to learn more about fetish and BDSM lifestyles. We do our best create a collaborative and educational environment where expressive and creative people can flourish. As a web cam dominatrix you will have potential to earn up to $90 an hour in a safe, clean and inspiring environment. Under some conditions we can offer a base pay to make sure you make money even if you don’t land any web cam sessions. If you think you have what it takes to be an online dominatrix and want to explore your wild side please contact us to set up an interview....

No sex or contact (everything is done online) and nudity not required but you should have an interest in S&M and be comfortable with your body. ...you can work from home or we can provide you space. No experience necessary -- we will handle training. Please reply via email with a brief introduction regarding your interests phone number and a photo....

Yes, we see these all the time-- but they're not usually the majority of the ads on Craig's List. (That would be sneaky posts by the Air National Guard.)

Male female models for Indian boutique - (Midtown West)
NBC/Casting-Looking 4 FUN NY,NJ, families w/kids-FREE TRIP/HUGE PRIZE - (Greater NY,NJ,Conn, Philly Area)
Bikini Babe Wanted to be Next Online Viral Star!! -
ADULT RETAIL STORE - (CONNECTICUT)
Wallpaper Magazine - Editorial/Art Project Seeks Interesting Subjects -
Looking for creative confident women - (Manhattan)
Make $5,000/mo ANONYMOUSLY in adult industry sales - (Midtown)

And that's just New York.

DANCERS / WAITRESSES -
Sell adult ent. on the Net! ---- 8 000/month -
DANCERS WANTED- ADULT ENT INDUSTRY -

Phone Girls Wanted-Adult Ent. -
Freelance Blogger - (Las Vegas)

If you land one of these jobs, we want our 10%-- Vegas Mafia-style. Hey, we need the money as much as the rest of ya's...

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Craigslist Behaving Badly

Colleen Kane — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 22:16:00 GMT

Two Craiglist ads have been making the rounds. First, a prank by a Texas man on his 21-year-old female co-worker (who spurned him), which may lead to harassment charges. He put up an ad pretending to be her, including a photo taken from her MySpace profile, offering to have sex with anyone who responded on Valentine's Day. She got over 200 offers by phone that day and although the ad was pulled down, she was still getting calls yesterday. Guess some guys had to work their courage up to proposition a stranger for sex.

So that was mean. But the next one falls into the "fake victimless boredom laffs" category on Craigslist.

(Click to enlarge.)

Wait a minute. Does this mean that not every ad posted on Craiglist is real?

The Funniest Craigslist Personal Ever?

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Website Tracks the Worst Personal Ads From Desperate Dudes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:32:00 GMT

Why Women Hate Men is another one of these websites/blogs designed by guys who are trying to impress women by how much they, too, "despise all the loser single dudes out there so pick me pick me!"

We must point out that, like all men, the individual purporting to be this site's webmaster is a dangerous degenerate. And if you think I'm being sarcastic or "humorous," you are sadly, sadly mistaken. (See above photo of owner for explanation.)

Here are some of this individuals examples of "why women remain single." We thought it was because moving costs are skyrocketing, but it shows you what we know about dating:

feeling very needy right now-39M

my girlfreind left me for another man leaving me all alone, Do you want to be helper in making my life better, I need someone to take care of me and cook for me help me wash my clothes and help me going to work until my car is fixed. I am 6 feet tall and avergae sized, would like to meet women, and please have car for work, i will try and help you pay you back. i am alergic to cats also so don't have cats

ALLOW ME TO HELP SOLVE YOUR HUSBANDS INFERTILITY PROBLEM

I am a 56 year old male. I have decided to get a vasectomy next month and I would like to impregnate a woman before I have this procedure done. It would behoove you to act quickly for maximum exposure to my sperm. I will only do this naturally without condoms. If your husband can't do the job, I can.

Having been asked previously by several couples who were friends of mine to donate sperm, I learned from their doctors that I have an extreme sperm level. I can give you multiple loads of sperm per meeting to increase your chances of getting pregnant.

Many of my physical traits are influenced by recessive genes. Therefore, it is most likely that the child would resemble the mother in most instances. It will be easy to deceive your family and friends into thinking it is your husbands child. It will be our secret. You will not see me again.

If you are 18-24, healthy, attractive, I am available to you. I will be very attentive, supportive, and encouraging, during this process. My vasectomy is in 5 weeks so it would behoove you to contact me as soon as possible.

Just a shot in the dark here, but I've been trying out VigRX for a little while now, and I do notice that I'm getting harder and longer lasting erections (while in self-satisfying mode). It's supposed to be a penis enlargement pill, but apparently it has viagra like qualities as well. I do feel a lot harder. Before, I couldn't keep it up for very long with my girlfriend, but now I think that it might be helping.

Was wondering if any ladies out there would like to help me give it a test run before I try it on my girlfriend. She won't be back for a week so I just want to make sure. Steven XXX-XXX-XXXX

I Know How To Make You Cum. Even If You Haven't Before.

And I know how to do it too. I got some pointers listening to some woman on a talk radio show. Listeners called in. They asked questions and she gave good advice. I listened and took good notes. Now I know how to make women squirt. I can get you there even if you've never been able to experience your "Big-O" in the past. I'm available to host or travel. David XXX-XXX-XXXX

And two more from other sites:

“Here’s my problem: I just adore mature women at least my age or that tend to be 10-15 years my senior. I am baffled by the “type” of rejection that I have been getting lately. Now for the fourth time a woman has told me that I am “too handsome for her” and for that reason she told me that she’s not interested. Can some of you women tell me how this can be? It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Morning. I woke up with a random idea to get some drinks this morning. Any girls interested? I’m not looking for anything in particular, just a new friend to enjoy a couple drinks with (i’ll buy of course). I’m well educated, have an amazing job and enjoy meeting new people. Would love to go to one of the 6am bars soon.”

There are 6am bars?! See you losers later, I'm heading there now to meet an amazing girl who can handle my unrestrained handsomeness...

Via Why Women Hate Men.

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Girl Claims to Have Slept With 200+ Strangers, Thanks to Craig's List

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 19:05:00 GMT

We say: "Is that all?" Just kidding-- we don't sleep with strangers, as a rule, so this specie is baffling to us.

“I can’t explain the buzz I get from meeting someone for the first time and knowing that in a couple of hours we’ll be ripping each other’s clothes off. It’s addictive."

Yes, it's called sex addiction. You have it, Bill Clinton has it, pretty much everyone we know has it. That doesn't mean you're an awful person, however.

“A lot of women may call me a slag, but I’m not. The sex is on my terms — I call the shots.”

Well, it's refreshing to hear that you're in control, but calling the shots has nothing to do with why they're calling you "a slag."

The 25-year-old bar manager is hooked on net sex and has slept with 200 online date mates.
On average, she beds a different man every FIVE DAYS. She’s even had sex with THREE of them in ONE DAY.

Calm down, News of the World-- you Puritan pigs. We've never seen you run a story about a guy having sex with 200 women and calling him a sleazebag-- and if you did, we'd call you on your moral grandstanding for that, too...

“My friends will meet guys in clubs and take them home,” she argues. “That’s more risky than what I do because I can check mine out before we meet.
“I’ll always insist on safe sex and carry condoms. If the guy complains, I won’t meet him.”

Ah, finally, some sanity.

“I hear pals moan about their partners and thank my lucky stars I don’t have to put up with snoring, pants lying around or getting dinner ready.
“When I have a date, I put on sexy undies, drink wine with a gorgeous guy who takes me home and ravishes me.
“I’ll settle down one day but it’s too much fun at the moment.”

Read more about 25-year-old bar manager "Louise's" sexploits on News of the World.

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Hey, Cheap Rent! Oh, Wait... The Fine Print Is Pretty Insane...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:45:00 GMT

How many of you would move to Manhattan if you landed an apartment for less than $3,000 a month? Now, how many of you would take the place if it was in the happening East Village for $325, rent stabilized?

Put your hands down, because as you may have suspected, this one's a ripoff even at those prices...

This is a post we came across on Craig's List (to our friends out there who are reading this-- no, we're not moving-- but Good God, if this had been for real, we would be breaking leases left and right to make it happen). (Emphasis added.)

$325 EAST VILLAGE- Controlled and large 3 bed (East Village) (map)

-Wow…I can’t believe I am doing this..But I am looking for someone to rent my rent controlled apartment. The monthly rent is extremely cheap and would be a dream for many people in this city. It is in the east village close to A and 3rd. I caught my wife in bed with our neighbor who is almost 20 years younger than her. She is refusing to move out and still seeing him when I am at work, on my bed…I need someone to move in and help me get her out. Man or woman. My plan is to act like we are a couple until she can’t take it anymore. I have done everything possible to try and get her out..But she is a scumbag….So we need to create some type of plan that would get her out..i would charge you very cheap and all you would have to do is act like we are dating. We might have to kiss if front her and make fake sounds when we are in the bedroom. Please respond with a detailed description of your plan to get her out and a little about your self. You could live there after she is out and unless we fall in love we don’t have to do anything else.

Right... you don't have to do anything else. Wow-- we knew that some people too breakups a little hard and rebounds with unwarranted seriousness, but Holy Christ-- this is worse than those ads that start "I'm a downtown businessman with no time for a girlfriend; so, if you want to be my roommate, I only have one requirement: wear this French maid outfit at all times..."

Via Craig's List.

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"Step Right Up! Enter Our Prostitution Raffle..."

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:44:00 GMT

An adviser at Ohio State was arrested in his friend's home for organizing and operating a $10-a-ticket raffle for a night with a young prostitute.

This is one of those stories that just improves with every emerging detail...

Christopher Johnson, who works as an adviser at OSU's nursing school, was busted for promoting prostitution after launching the raffle through a Craigslist posting, then throwing a party for ticketholders at his friend Rusty Blades' house. Unfortunately, "Rusty Blades" is a real estate agent and not a porn star, although we're totally reserving the right to use the name in perpetuity.

Here's the kicker: the alleged prostitute is 31-year-old Vanise Dunn, who is child sex-abuse worker at the local Childrens Services center. Hot damn!

Photo of OSU coeds for illustrative purposes only.

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Sloppy Seconds: The Craigslist Crackdown on Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:53:00 GMT

The awesome sounding Ghostbusters game, featuring the original cast and creators, will be out in 2009, thanks to Atari, who rescued the franchise.

A heartbreaking post from a lesbian mom in California is here. Madonna, meanwhile, attacked Prop 8 in an LA concert and had Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake perform live with her, albeit at separate times.

A male major in the Japanese air force was busted for shopping for women's underwear... while naked.

Kanye West broke his media silence to give an interview in Singapore about what the Beatles mean to him.

Race was not a factor in the election in West Virginia. Take that, Bill Clinton!

Samantha Who star Christina Applegate will undergo reconstructive surgery following her double mastectomy.

Michelle Monaghan gave birth to a wee lil' gal.

And Craigslist will no charge $10 per erotic service ad, in an apparent attempt to crush the human trafficking that's been going on there.

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The Funniest Craigslist Personal Ever?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:49:00 GMT

This had better be a fake, dude...

From the Toronto Craigslist's m4w section comes the personal ad of the century. This guy must've received hundreds of responses-- yeah, from guys playing a joke on him...

Check out his ad, titled

"INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)"

(really, no need to read further, especially after he capitalizes "intelligent.")

Hello ladies of the internet! [Translation: Hello Nerve readers making fun of me!]
I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I've come to realise exactly what I'm looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the 'even. (Honestly, we had no idea people refer to nighttime hours as "the 'even.") As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).

Really, that whole last sentence is redundant-- we figured out hours ago you were an "avid gamer," probably somewhere around the word "Asian" in your headline.

You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- - and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- - but no 'Paris Hilton' bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them. [Trying... not to die... laughing...]
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.

BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage [As if you weren't picky enough already, guy]
- Large collection of animé and manga [...reducing the list of available women who meet these guidelines to zero]
- Glasses [sort of factored in if you're into manga and video games]
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying [why do we get the feeling his idea of roleplaying is different from ours?]
- Traditional Ladies' education [What, like Miss Porter's School For Girls?!]

Let us reiterate: this has to be a fake. If it's not, whoever whipped it up is sharper than any writer for Saturday Night Live, especially for their brilliant inclusion of the following photo with the ad:

I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.

Hey, Pegasus or whatever your name is: if you're out there, let us know how it's going... in the non-computer generated world, of course...

Via Craigslist.

Lehman Bros: Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places (and Surprisingly Hairless)

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:51:00 GMT

Unless you live in a cave (in which case, we wouldn't judge) you know that the financial world is in some serious trouble. The Feds bailed out AIG, but left the people of Lehman Bros to... troll for ass on craigslist?

Exhibit 1, a very hairless man who has no idea how long he's worked for Lehman Bros "would like to take the time to get to know a special girl."

Lehman Brothers employee, now with a lot of time on his hands... - 28 (SoHo)

Hi, I work for Lehman Brothers (for how long, I have no idea!). I'm just hanging out right now, waiting to see what happens with everything -- I have another job already lined up so things aren't that bad for me.

But I am definitely looking forward to taking some time for myself to relax, etc. I have been working such long hours that I haven't been able to find a woman that I really connect with. So I thought now would be a good time to see if there is anyone out there.

I went to an Ivy League school (for both undergrad and grad school) and have traveled the world since I was young (and a little for my job too). I love my neighborhood (Soho) and all it has to offer -- the great shops, cafes, restaruants and bars. I have many interests outside of work, but lately haven't had enough time to pursue them.

Just looking to see if there is someone out there who can interest me. And now that I have a lot of time on my hands would love to take the time to get to know a special girl.

My photo is below, please send one of you and tell me about yourself. I am looking forward to meeting the girl of my dreams (hopefully)....

We cropped out his face, but if you'd like to get to now him visit his craigslist ad via The Frisky.

"Just a Fun Loving Nerd!!!" and Just the Man for Us!

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:44:00 GMT

Do you like Bazooka Joe gum and Transformers? Do you like Bazooka Joe gum, Transformers and are not a 10-year-old living in the year 1989?

Well in that case, this fun-loving nerd looking for a "buddy" on Tulsa Craigslist, would like to become acquainted with you. Despite being very much a nerd, we need to put the sass aside and point out that he seems like a pretty sweet guy. In his words:

Im a thoughtful person who always thinks of others before himself. If I was in a relationship and I was reading the Sunday paper and happened to stumble upon a coupon for my partners favorite make-up , I would cut it out attach it to a sticky note and write,¨ thought I would save you money babe¨ and put it in her purse.

See--very thoughtful and spontaneous. Oh, and by the way, he's totally jacked!

Yeah that's what we thought. Get in line ladies and bring your Smurfs PVCs.

Want It From Behind While You Play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w

Ina Maier — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Ahh, Craigslist. That ever blinking beacon of Thursday afternoon entertainment. Any women out there love playing Super Mario Brothers? Do you also love getting it from behind? What about playing Super Mario Brothers while getting it from behind? Then, boy - er, girl, have we found the man for you.

If you live in Orlando, "know your way around the game before we meet...[are] open to anal sex, [and] able to fake an orgasm," then you're in luck. Welcome to Florida, the state where horny video-gamers peruse Craigslist to find the Princess Toadstool for their chubby Italian plumber.

We'd parse the whole ad but it's just too good to be true, so we're reprinting it here in all it's entirety. Hold on to your controllers!

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, "MORE", "HARDER", "YES", "FUCK ME", but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like "OH GOD", "YES", OR "IT HURTS" no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like "Thanks", "It was great", "I loved it", "Don't stop"

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

Do you think he's got a Luigi waiting in the closet? We have always loved the 2-player option.

Via IssTumBul.

Photo via PixelArt/Retro