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While You Were Sleeping: The Spitzer Scandal Never Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Remember that red-state porn craze we told you about? Apparently, Utah pays for it more than any other state.

Typical: 16 people were arrested following violence at a concert held to promote non-violence.

Hayden Panetierre may be headed toward a nervous breakdown. Yeesh.

We don't get it. Why would the police want Craigslist to boot almost all of its erotic service ads? Isn't this just going to make it harder for them to catch illegal sex activities? Not that we're complaining... legalize everything!

Amy Winehouse's visa was denied, which means she can't perform at Coachella. Is this visa-denial shit still happening for harmless kooks thirty years after Hoover hounded John Lennon?

This Albanian sex scandal would've been worth a post if it hadn't been, you know, Albanian.

Does Eliot Spitzer have to choke a hooker? Apparently, yes... at least, according to the woman in this story, which also features a teasing P.S. about another Governor, not from New York, who was a client of the same madam.

Good Lord, is this weird: NAMBLA (the North American Man-Boy Love Association-- you know, the pervs) tried to put a hit on New York State Attorney General, possibly the next Governor, for a mere $10,000.

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

Related:

MI Teacher Wants You to Burn the Sheets After Hot Sex

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

To Catch a Teacher, Brooklyn Edition

Creepy Dudes Now Using Sex Tapes To Blackmail You Into... Giving Them Nude Photos?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 18:32:00 GMT

We're guessing he grew tired of watching their sex tape. 44-year-old Steven Klig tried to blackmail his former lover, years after their liaisons, by threatening to send a DVD of their good times to her husband.

But this only grazing the surface of the story-- not only is Klig a married father of two, among the many revelations from this New York Post story: Klig sent some of his threats from Disney World, where he was on vacation with the wife and kids; Klig didn't want hush money. No, what he wanted was totally bizarre...

He wanted five photos of his victim, several of which wouldn't even feature her in a state of undress. Nonetheless, the woman refused and got the Federales involved:

The next day, an agent posing as the woman wrote Klig back, asking what he wanted and pleading, "I want to keep my family out of this."

He allegedly responded, "I don't need money. What I really want is something new to look at."
Klig then allegedly detailed his preferences for the "first installment" as: "(1) fully clothed; (2) without your shirt; (3) without your shirt and pants (in just a bra and panties); (4) without the bra and (5) fully nude."

He wanted to keep his family out of this? Well, even if she hadn't gone to the cops, she could have probably exacted revenge by making sure his family was entirely in the loop. But we don't condone that kind of behavior... do we?

Photo: A Fruity Affair

Related:

Mom Sent 12,000+ Texts To Her Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend... Then Tried To Blackmail Him

Germany's Richest Woman Blackmailed With Own Sex Tape

World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

Vegas Is Boring, So Thank God Atlantic City's Still Sleazy...

The FBI Wants You (But Not Us)

Ina Maier — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:36:00 GMT

If you're anything like us and are just barely gainfully employed, its high time you check out the FBI website, because according to themselves, Google Trends, and pretty much every news organization out there, they're on an FBI hiring blitz!

So, do you have what it takes?

Because we sure don't! Below, the results of our highly official FBI Job Application quiz.

FBI Agent Predicts Friend's Divorce Using Body Language

Sloppy Seconds: Because We'd Like to Keep Our Jobs

Today in Jobs You Probably Don't Want Right Now: Senior Publicist for Dow Jones

There Go Economy Class Hand Jobs

Arkansas Televangelist Busted For Child Sex Acts

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 15:12:00 GMT

The leader of a Jonestown-like cult, who once served four years in prison for tax evasion, is in jail again today after being arrested for transporting minors across state lines for sexual purposes. (Warren Jeffs, you've got a friend.)

Tony Alamo, who was celebrating his 74th birthday when the cops stormed his hotel room, who got his start on the streets of L.A. in the late 60s, is believed to have filmed and/or molested a series of underage women on videotape, one of which came forward to accuse him this week. The Feds also removed a group of 10 to 17 year old women from the Alamo ministries headquarters. Alamo, by the way, has said the age of consent is "puberty."

The Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks hate groups, describes the ministry as a cult. Alamo's church rails against homosexuals, Roman Catholics and the government, and Alamo has preached that girls are fit for marriage once they are sexually mature.

"Consent is puberty," he said in an interview with The Associated Press last week from a telephone registered in the Los Angeles area while agents raided the compound. He denied any involvement with pornography.

The rest of the highlights:

1) When Alamo's wife Susan died, he left her body out for six months so mourners could pray for the resurrection he promised them.

2) Bill Clinton wrote in his autobiography that Alamo got involved with a young lady shortly after his wife's death. "Lo and behold, God spoke to him again and told him Susan wasn't coming back after all, so he took her out of the glass box and buried her."

3) Alamo's real name is Bernie Lazar Hoffman. Yep, he was born Jewish.

Via AP.

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While You Were Sleeping: McCain Checked Palin Out Again

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Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

You Know Your Wedding Was A Blast When You Were Both Tasered... Twice

Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

DC Madam Dictates Memoir From Beyond The Grave!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 14:52:00 GMT

A new, epic blog post on 10 Zen Monkeys may restart those rumors that said Deborah Jeane Palfrey committed suicide... or, as "Palfrey" herself says, quash them for good...

Yes, we understand this makes no sense... how is a victim of suicide or murder going to come back from the grave and solve their own case? Via metaphysical psychics, of course!

The 55-year-old astrologer lived 10 miles from Tarpon Springs, Florida where Palfrey had committed suicide in May. (Her body was discovered hanging from a noose in a storage shed behind her mother's mobile home.) [T]wo weeks later, "I was at home in my living room when I became aware that another person, a spirit entity, had suddenly entered my consciousness and my body..."

Daniel says he now has the answers to the questions surrounding the infamous brothel-keeper's death. (Was Palfrey's suicide faked by government conspirators? Would she reveal the names of her famous clients?) Within 10 seconds, he'd identified the visiting spirit as Deborah Jeane Palfrey. (And to make sure, he'd verified it — with another psychic.) In July, Daniel was ready to contact the sex-worker advocate to say the madam was now available for questions.

At this point, we were laughing so hard we almost stopped reading. Almost. We gotta admit, we wanted to hear what the ghost of whoredom past had to say about herself:

This is absolutely false! I am solely responsible for the manner in which my life ended. There was no conspiracy that I became aware of to kill me. And even if there was, it was not successful. I took my own life; it was my decision, end of story. Or is it...?

The Government was my own dark shadow. The Government is very often our own personal dark shadow. Once we begin to recognize this we can move past the guilt, punishment, blame games and victimization. Until such time as the Human Race gets really, totally and completely fed up with limiting beliefs and values, our Government will stand as a reminder, a grim reminder that we are anything but a free people living in a world of real freedom and personal fulfillment.

Zen Monkeys question whether this is the real voice of Palfrey (for some reason, she sounds to us like a lame middle-aged "psychic" who has a bone to pick with the Federales), but we think it most definitely is: who wouldn't kill themselves if they found themselves living in their mother's mobile home in Tarpon Springs...

More nonsense here.

Thanks to El Destiny for the link!

Sloppy Seconds: Elizabeth Hasselbeck Not Sure What A Vibrator Is For

"D.C. Madam" Believed to be Dead

David Vitter: "Thank Christ You Forgot About Me"

Move Over Lazy Young People, Persephone Lewin's Day Puts Yours To Shame

Who Would You Rather (Bring Down With A Political Sex Scandal)?

Rumor: Governor Running A Brothel Out of His Office

Nevada Governor Sex Scandals, Part 226

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 18:30:00 GMT

Pictured above: Vegas showgirls, with a man who is not the Governor of Nevada, but might as well be.

The Governor of Nevada, called "the most scandal-ridden governor in the history of" the state, and alleged molester of a woman in a parking garage, is going through a divorce so messy, he's making Scanner Emily and the rest of Las Vegas cringe...

Jim Gibbons is accused of violating the sanctity of the Republican oath with this latest round of sordid details in his crazy divorce battle. (Gibbons, you'll recall, was accused of assaulting a woman in a parking lot in 2006.)

1) "The Republican politician has brawled over custody of his 23-room official mansion – Dawn eventually moved into the guesthouse – and been repeatedly accused of lying. The month-long case has shocked even residents of Nevada's largest city, Las Vegas."

2) There is an ongoing "FBI investigation into claims that he took illegal gifts – including a free cruise staffed by Bunny Girls – from a defense contractor while serving in Congress." It was worth if it was staffed by Bunny Girls. And fuckin' free.

3) "Mrs. Gibbons detailed [her husband's] 'infatuation and involvement' with the wife of a Reno doctor. She described herself as 'a castaway wife' who had been jilted by a man who 'succumbed to the wiles' of a rival. 'Lust is the real villain here,' she claimed." Sources say the latest Love Gov. "was spotted at a sushi bar with his alleged girlfriend, and also attended her daughter's high school play."

4) Later on, Gov. Gibbons took "a dark-haired woman to the film 'Sex and the City.'"

More on the messy details... from the UK Independent.

FBI Agents Out To Get Democrats

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:10:00 GMT

When we worked with Billionaires For Bush, the grassroots media campaign that pretended to support our favorite Appointee, we often heard card-game speculation on which of our members secretly worked for the FBI. No one was sure that anyone was working for the FBI, but not too long ago, our suspicions turned out to be true-- documents revealed that the NYPD and other authority figures had infiltrated our ranks to determine if we were up to any good, er, up to any terror-related activities for the Republican National Convention or any other anti-GOP activities.

Of course, the question this always raised was: why were those not supporting the President more likely to do something violent than the nutjob warmongers furious at the anti-war Democratic convention?

Now, it turns out, those questions will be raised again this year, as the FBI is attempting to infiltrate, to our eternal amusement, "vegan potlucks."

“She told me that I had the perfect ‘look,’” recalls Carroll. “And that I had the perfect personality—they kept saying I was friendly and personable—for what they were looking for.”

What they were looking for, Carroll says, was an informant—someone to show up at “vegan potlucks” throughout the Twin Cities and rub shoulders with RNC protesters, schmoozing his way into their inner circles, then reporting back to the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force, a partnership between multiple federal agencies and state and local law enforcement. The effort’s primary mission, according to the Minneapolis division’s website, is to “investigate terrorist acts carried out by groups or organizations which fall within the definition of terrorist groups as set forth in the current United States Attorney General Guidelines.”

Carroll would be compensated for his efforts, but only if his involvement yielded an arrest. No exact dollar figure was offered.

Oklahoma Sheriff Makes Nazi Wardens Look Like Pansies

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:20:00 GMT

"Custer County Sheriff Mike Burgess resigned Wednesday just as state prosecutors filed 35 felony charges against him, including 14 counts of second-degree rape, seven counts of forcible oral sodomy and five counts of bribery by a public official."

This guy makes working for Halliburton sound suddenly much less frightening. The full story of his escapades, including "A Girls Gone Wild"-style boob-flashing competition...

1) Told one inmate he'd turn her over to the Federalies (George Carlin's least favorite word) if she did not let him do her.

2) Burgess received a blow job from a woman who wanted a cushy trustee gig in prison, then later fired her from the position after she wouldn't go downtown anymore.

3) "Burgess is accused of having sex with a female drug court participant who was in his custody. The crimes are to have occurred between October 2005 and April 2007." Why is this taking so long to come out? Oh, right, they're all snitches who want lighter sentences-- everyone's jumping on the Burgess-bashing bandwagon.

4) "The lawsuit, filed by 12 former inmates, alleges the sheriff's employees had them engage in wet T-shirt contests and offered cigarettes to those who would flash their breasts." We take that back-- Oklahoma's prison system is a way more place to work than Baghdad.

5) Burgess "faces two counts each of sexual battery, rape by instrumentation and subornation of perjury, and one count each of engaging in a pattern of criminal offenses, indecent exposure and kidnapping." He's looking at a maximum sentence of 467 years, although you know he won't last a year as someone's Bitch.

Via CBS News.

Previously: Calling Mr. Mosley...

Sloppy Seconds: Desperate Housewives

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Some readers were bothered by our dig at Absolut Vodka over its pre-20th century mindset. Just a reminder: we're always right.

The Second Amendment Debate, Made Irrelevant: A man has been arrested for standing in the middle of the street and threatening motorists with death by bow and arrow. Cool!

Finally, the truth: Since Thursday's raid on Warren Jeff's polygamist sect in Texas, which housed hundreds of brainwashed females and the brain-damaged males overseeing them, commentators have speculated as to what served as the final piece of evidence that enabled the Feds to move in. At an earlier news conference, the prosecutor in the case testified that investigators had been waiting for someone to come forward.

Well, that someone turned out to be a 16 year old girl, pregnant for the second time in a year, according to CNN. The anonymous tipster, who had contacted Family Services in Texas, was married to a man was more than three times her age, beat her, and had six other wives..

Now, her parents were talking about sending her younger sister, 15, to the ranch as well.

In her calls, the girl said she had looked for ways to escape. But she was told that outside the compound's gates lies an evil world in which she would be forced to cut her hair, wear makeup and have sex with many men. She thought about faking an illness, but under that plan she couldn't bring her baby along, the affidavit stated.
She said her husband would "beat and hurt" her when he got angry, hitting her in the chest and choking her while other wives held her baby. Once, he broke her ribs, she said.

Pardon the unfortunate transition, but... speaking of "Desperate Housewives": the show's creator confirms Nicolette Sheridan, the woman also unfortunately known as Michael Bolton's squeeze, is leaving at the end of the season.

Government workers charged millions of dollars for wild orgies (i.e. "fancy dinners"-- but we're not fooled), lingerie, iPods, and internet dating subscriptions (it better have been Nerve!) to company-issued credit cards. So what? They're probably all in the CIA and that stuff is part of the job anyway.

And lastly, the greatest living woman in America is single again. We almost feel bad for celebrating.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

On Our To-Do List: Fidel Castro

Katie Halper — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:32:00 GMT

Fidel Castro may be stepping down, but he's still standing erect. Whether you love him or hate him, we can all agree on one thing about Castro: El Jefe Has Got STAMINA. His speeches go on for hours and hours. His long, thick cigar is always lit. His revolution is constant and anything but predictable. And he ruled Cuba hard and firm for half a century, only stopping to come up for air and let his kid brother have his way with her.

On top of that, the insatiable, unbeatable, unstoppable Castro keeps going and going and going, in spite of his age and at least eight confirmed assassination attempts on his life. And let's be honest, when multiple U.S. presidents and CIA and FBI officials obsess over ways to eliminate the leader of an island the size of Pennsylvania, and aim many of their covert operations at said leader's cigar, it can only mean one thing: penis envy. Which is why Fidel Castro may be out of office. But he is On Our To-Do List.

[Previously on Scanner: Who Would You Rather Deluxe Edition: Fidel Castro or George W. Bush Then and Now?]

[Previously on Scanner: Your Talking Points: Fidel Castro Retires]

BYU Sticking to its Moral Guns

Emily Farris — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 16:01:00 GMT

You've gotta love Brigham Young University for sticking to its Mormon moral guns. In an article in BYU's NewsNet today promoting their International Relations major, they managed to squeeze in this tidbit from the "CIA, FBI and National Security":

The CIA, FBI and National Security like to recruit from BYU because of its honor code and the lifestyle of most of its students, according to Kinjo. They said that if a person drinks, does drugs, has explicit sex or gambles, it can put them in a compromising position. Generally, BYU students don't get involved with those things.

[BYU NewsNet: International Relations Open for Study]