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While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Forty million people tuned in to watch Obama's press conference. Yes, but what does it mean?

We're not sure what to say about the bank robber who rammed his getaway car into another car, fled, took a bus, taxi, and a ride from his sister, and was finally apprehened at home with a paltry four grand when he was forced to call 9-1-1. It turns out that he'd arrived home to find his roommate dead of an apparent suicide.

Oh no! A Three Stooges movie now?! Make it stop... and tell these actors we now officially hate them: Sean Penn, Jim Carrey, and Benicio del Toro.

These defense lawyers for Phil Spector would crack us up if they weren't helping psycho get away with second-degree murder.

Would you eat a 4,800 calorie burger? Would anyone?

Remember the guy who was busted in the act of having sex with a car wash vaccuum cleaner? Yeah, a mere 90 days for scarring those witnesses for life.

Skype is #1 in the world-- take that, AT&T.

A GOP whip chose the whip Britney Spears used onstage.

Chicago's St. Patrick's Day Parade is no more.

It's week 915 of the tabloids pretending Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. But, for the first time ever, people are starting to believe it might be true.

And singer Elvis Crespo joined the Mile High Club... or so says this woman, who complained about it.

Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

"You'll Still Pay Money To Come See Me"

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble

While You Were Sleeping: Paula Deen Moons Her Audience

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Memo to Citibank employees: if you receive a letter requesting $27 million for the Bank of Ethiopia, check to make sure it wasn't posted in Nigeria.

The GOP attacked Obama on the stimulus... but this guy couldn't name a single piece of "pork," not even a general category.

You have to wait till the end of this Walker: Texas Ranger clip for the payoff-- and it's laugh-out-loud, knee-slappin' good times...

Ah, young love: these days, it entails sex with your teacher dozens of times in several locations, including the parking lot of a K-Mart.

A man accidentally shot himself during a robbery attempt. He proceeded to lose the loot... and his pants.

Prince dedicated his secret Hollywood concert after the Oscars to Penelope Cruz.

Authorities busted 500 people and freed 48 child prostitutes in a major raid yesterday.

And, in perhaps one of the greatest YouTube moments so far, Paula Deen mooned her fans at the Miami Food and Wine Festival...

Related:

Don't Miss the Awesomeness on Late Night's Goodbye Week

Conan and Cannolis Brought Out the Dirty Talk in Paula Deen

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Joe the Plumber: McCain Made Me Feel "Dirty"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:13:00 GMT

Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, not to be confused with Sloth from Goonies, spoke out in a radio interview with giant toddler, Glenn Beck, about being "appalled" at what went on inside McCain's bus.

In a walk down campaign memory lane Joe said of John McCain, “I asked him some pretty direct questions... Some of the answers you guys are gonna receive — they appalled me, absolutely. I was angry. In fact, I wanted to get off the bus after I talked to him.”

Yikes! So why didn't you get off the bus, Joe?

“...honestly, because the thought of Barack Obama as president scares me even more.”

Well put.

Wurzelbacher explained he felt “dirty” while “being on the campaign trail and seeing some of the things that take place.”

But in the end there was a silver lining to the political rain cloud Joe had endured, “Sarah Palin is absolutely the real deal.”

And Joe knows about being, "the real deal." He also seems to confuse a candidate's qualification's with his own horniness:

You know, I only got to spend a short amount of time with her but, you know, it was been asked if I felt any presence when I was with John McCain or Barack Obama. You know, with Sarah Palin, I don't want to say I felt a presence but she definitely had energy... You know, she wants to serve us.

If you're still looking for a Christmas present this holiday, Joe, the master of eloquence ("it was been asked if"), is coming out with a riveting new book.

Full story at Politico and complete radio interview here.

Related:

Presidents Who Smoke: A Photo History

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

Scanner Matt — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:23:00 GMT

With the Republican Party in crisis many are looking for a new leader to win them back the throne in 2012 (does anyone really believe it will be Sarah Palin?). Thirty-six-year-old Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal (short listed as a McCain VP nominee before the barracuda graced our lives) just might be the guy. He's surrounded by presidential buzz and—let's be honest—it wouldn't hurt the GOP if their conventions looked a little less like white supremacist rallies.

Piyush “Bobby” Jindal picked up his Anglo nickname from The Brady Bunch. Yes, that Bobby, seriously, which he commonly uses as his first name. He at first appears to be a very intelligent individual; he was a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford.

But here’s the thing. He’s crazy.

Jindal supports teaching intelligent design in public schools.

He voted to make the Patriot Act permanent.

He’s a hardcore-let’s-flip-Roe-v.-Wade pro-lifer.

He’s against stem cell research.

Not only does he staunchly support “traditional marriage,” he opposes civil unions.

He supported a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning.

He’s against universal health care.

Watch out for this guy in 2012. He's sure to make an appearance.

Related:

Is The GOP Over Yet? A New Poll Seems To Think So...

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

Photo/Wikipedia

Is The GOP Over Yet? A New Poll Seems To Think So...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 21:06:00 GMT

More than six in ten Americans have an unfavorable view of the Grand Old Party, according to a Gallup poll released today.

But that's not even the worst part of the survey, which should have Republicans scrambling faster than the Dems did after getting trounced in 2004...

One thing the party has largely avoided, to much unity and success, is a clear image, set of goals, and ideology. Not so anymore, according to CNN's reading of the Gallup numbers:

As the debate rages within GOP ranks over where to take the party, the poll might offer some guidance.

Most Republicans — 59 percent — want the party to become more conservative, according to the poll. Another 28 percent want it to remain about the same ideologically, while only 12 percent would prefer to see the Republican Party become less conservative.

Independents are split on whether the party should track left or right: 35 percent of independent voters say the GOP should become more conservative, and 35 percent say less conservative.

Not only are independents evenly divided on what it would take to rope them into the fold, the party itself isn't holding it together either: while the country and the newest generation of voters want the country moving to the left on Iraq, gay marriage, healthcare, and so on, Republicans want to-- forgive the expression-- cling to guns and religion. (And making abortion a top issue, which won't go over well with us youth types, either...)

What do you think? Can the GOP bounce back? Will a faltering economy doom Democrats in 2010 and bring back a Republican movement?

Via CNN.

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Who Will Be Time's Person of the Year?

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

...you won't want to watch this... or read this horror story from West Virginia (who would've thought, just six months ago, West Virginia would be this fierce?)

1) The horror show... this is former NRCC head Tom Davis at the National Press Club, answering a question from the audience about whether the GOP is going to be up to their usual tricks this time around. Remember: this is a GOP-friendly reporter asking a fellow GOPer if the GOP is going to put the band back together, as it were. The response is the most frightening political thing we've seen since Wally O'Dell, the guy in charge of many of Ohio's voting machines in 2004, said he was "committed to delivering [the state's] electoral votes to George Bush."

Note that it isn't so much what he says but how he says it... and the almost sinister laugh from the room. It's the closest thing we've ever seen to the media admitting the GOP is disgracefully and possibly illegally purging voters.

2) In case you think we're exaggerating or even, somehow, imagining that this hasn't been going on for years, here's another classic example:

Virginia Matheney and Calvin Thomas said touch-screen machines in the county clerk's office in Ripley kept switching their votes from Democratic to Republican candidates.

"When I touched the screen for Barack Obama, the check mark moved from his box to the box indicating a vote for John McCain," said Matheney...

When she reported the problem, she said, the poll worker in charge "responded that everything was all right. It was just that the screen was sensitive and I was touching the screen too hard. She instructed me to use only my fingernail."

Even after she began using her fingernail, Matheney said, the problem persisted.

She isn't the only one. The Charleston Gazette has reported that West Virginia is experiencing these problems all over, with election officials attributing the malfunction to "shifting" that occasionally occurs in transporting the machines to the polling sites. No one, of course, had an explanation for why there were all changing only Democratic votes.

More here. Image via Mother Jones.

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Video of the Day: Women For McCain

Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

We Love Wilco and Voting, And So Can You!

Hayden Panettiere: "Don't F*ck With My Presidential Candidate"

GOP Senate Candidate's Son In Hot Water For Racist Facebook Profile

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Bob Schaffer is a Republican in the Senate seat fight for his life in Colorado, in one of the hottest races in the country. Unfortunately for him, his son has a Facebook page that is only going to help his opponent raise insane amounts of money.

Among its many highlights, Justin's page features:

1) a gun-toting Jesus in front of the Confederate flag asking WWRJD? (What Would Republican Jesus Do? The answer, this year, would be to vote Bob Barr, probably.)

2) Obama admitting he's gay.

3) And by far the most offensive one of all, the image that could incite a huge backlash... and no, not the one you're seeing at right, in which Obama is depicted as Count Chocula...

"I do not agree with the sentiment or content of the offensive material, especially the 'bumper sticker' that references slave labor. It is clear that my actions were juvenile, disrespectful, and a mistake on my part.

"The offensive materials directly contradict the values that my parents taught me and are forbidden in my parents' home. My Facebook page is solely my responsibility, and I am saddened that my actions have reflected poorly on my sisters and parents."
His father spoke to 9NEWS on the phone after an event in Glenwood Springs Monday evening and said, "My wife and I have initiated a process of firm and severe discipline with our son."

Where do we start? Okay, first of all... how do you not agree with the sentiment on your Facebook page? Why would it be there at all? For example, Annie Hall is listed under our favorite movies on Facebook, so you'd automatically and correctly assume we agree with its sentiment.

Notice too that Shaffer the Candidate does not say, "What my son said was wrong. If we can't beat Obama on real issues or real truths about who he is, then we should just all vote Nader and admit defeat." (Don't worry, we're just dreaming aloud.) Did we mention that the kid has a pic of Obama dressed as a Muslim at the White House... and no, this ain't the cover of the New Yorker we're talking about?

See more of the page, which has been taken down or set to Private, at Talking Points Memo and this mirror site, which has been down for a while.

Fox Claims Child Prostitution Will Increase During Democratic Convention

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:21:00 GMT

The village idiots running My Fox Colorado have taken the cake this time.

Seth Donovan, director of the Praxus project, said she "isn't sure," but she is concerned the upcoming convention is leading to an increase in pimps and escort services trying to turn kids into prostitutes."

There used to be three calls a month of kids being approached. "In the last two months it's jumped to ten to fifteen youth a month," Donovan says.

Los Angeles police say prostitution jumped there in 2000 when it held the DNC.

Of course, there is almost no mention of a little counter-event called the Republican National Convention: the only line about the RNC is at the very end of the article, and tries its damndest to disguise the fact that this is a partisan attack job on the Democrats in a big swing state. Nope, Fox News isn't interested in fair and balanced news, which would've meant more emphasis on the fact that all major American conventions boost the slave trade.

If Fox can get away with that kind of crap, then so maybe can we. Folks, you heard it here first: Gay Bathroom Sex Will Rise During The Republican National Convention. Hell, that's probably not even a rumor anymore...

Via MyFox.

Abortion Issue Heats Up... For The GOP

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:00:00 GMT

On the same day a Virginia court struck down a state anti-abortion law as unconstitutional, a GOP primary in the most competitive Congressional district in Oregon saw a stunning upset...

CQ Politics reported this morning that

Businessman Mike Erickson won his party’s nomination for a second time in two years Tuesday, but an ongoing scandal casts a pall over his victory and could hamper one of the GOP’s best shots at picking up a Democratic House seat in the fall.

What was this shocking scandal that nearly doomed the Republican stalwart? We'll give you a hint: it has to do with abortion...

Mannix sent out an e-mail claiming Erickson had once driven a girlfriend to an abortion clinic and paid for her to terminate a pregnancy. Erickson has admitted to having a relationship with the woman, giving her a ride and giving her money, but claims he didn’t know the money was for an abortion. Both Mannix and Erickson ran as anti-abortion candidates. [CQ Politics]

Sorry, bub, not buyin' that one. We'll gladly meet you at the polls in November, when your ass is grass...

McCain Blogette: Hot or Not?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 17:00:00 GMT

John McCain's blond blogger daughter, Meghan, is under tremendous pressure from her readers (and apparently the public at large, no pun intended) to shed a few pounds, Nicole Richie style.

Madeline Holler at Political Nanny has been covering this breaking new development in the Republican Presidential race. Oh wait, that's over, so this is about the only thing left to talk about: a skinny girl "needing" to lose weight.

Not only is it untrue that she's got some junk in the trunk, it needs to be said that even if she did, that has nothing to do with whether she's hot or not. There are plenty of very sexy, very doable women out there that are slightly overweight... like... like... well, do Scarlett Johansson's boobs count? They're pretty heavy.

Seriously, where do these people get off? (We've included most of McCain Blogette's entire post, below, since it's one of the most positive things to come out of the GOP camps this entire campaign. Dig[g] it.)

I've been surprised by critical comments regarding my weight and body shape. It recently reached a ridiculous level when someone handed me a business card for a plastic surgeon and suggested I needed liposuction. I am proud of my curves and have always loved my fuller figure, as should every woman who is not a size "0". I want to be a positive role model for my little sister and all of the other young women who read my blog and help perpetuate a more positive image for women, regardless of their body size. I feel empowered to tell everyone that it's important to maintain a healthy weight that works for them - not everyone is going to be model thin, nor should they expect to be. To every young girl reading this blog, it is inner beauty and happiness that makes a person beautiful, not a number on a scale.

Unfortunatley, she kills much of our good feeling for her by adding that her song of the day is "Feeling Good" by Michael Buble. Yawn.

[Link via: Political Nanny.]

[Top photo via Fox News. Bottom photos via ABC News.]

Video of the Day: No You Can't

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 20:41:00 GMT

In response to the now-famous "Yes We Can" Barack Obama video, the people formerly known as the Billionaires for Bush have released "No You Can't." We bet you didn't know that our senior national political correspondent Brian Fairbanks was a Billionaire for Bush. And he's too shy to tell you that he was a co-creator of this video.

Barack Obama Has Sent You A Valentine

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Actually, the Republican National Committee has sent you a Valentine. But most of the Valentine's on GOP.com are pretty harmless, and even Dems (especially rival Dems) can laugh at the above e-card and the others that follow...

We could really care less about stealing these from the Republican Party and we know how brutal our commentors can be if we even suggest readers go to an external, evil website. So here they are... well, the good ones at least:

The other two are really unfunny. Like, Leno with writers unfunny. But, if you must: gop.com.

The Real Candidate of Change: Transgender GOP'er

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Chrissy Nakonsky is running for the Minnesota Legislature as an anti-tax Republican. Nakonsky, who is married with three kids, told The Star Tribune, "Republicans swear by not raising taxes, and raising taxes would hurt families in poverty, like mine."

Her choice of political party would not be surprising, except for the fact that until recently, Chrissy was known as Jeff and worked as a local cashier. And we all know Republicans aren't known for supporting LGBT anything. Read more about Nakonsky here.

Jesus Christ To Endorse Huckabee At 4pm Press Conference

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Mike Huckabee truly believes he's Holier-than-thou. He thinks if he says God the most times per sentence per speech, he'll be nominated for President by the Republican Party. It was scary for a while thinking the Governor of Arkansas could actually win, following his short-lived triumph in this month's Iowa caucus.

Think this video is scary? Wait till you see what GodTube is trumpeting as their new favorite video, after the jump.

Seriously, folks, WWJD? Would he support an evangelical preacher like Mike Huckabee... or would he be more inclined to choose a tree-huggin' Denny Kucinich as his running mate? USA Today has the story on Jesus in 2008, a new website devoted to this very debate.

Traitor Lieberman to Be GOP Vice President?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Technically, "Turncoat Joe" Lieberman is actually the Vice President of the United States already, but it's still bizarre to see him campaign with ultra-conservative Senator John McCain. Forget "Sleepyhead Fred" Thompson-- is McCain going to seal his victory in advance by selecting the one-time Democrat from Connecticut as his running mate? Newsweek speculated on it in an interview with Lieberman just published.

(By the way, what is up with the above picture, taken from a global warming press conference last year? It's just begging for a caption contest...)

Republican Candidate Fakes Photo of Himself (Still Not Hot)

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:22:00 GMT

No, not this photo. The one after the jump.

Yeah, this one. And no, we can't find a bigger photo of Texas Republican Dean Hrbacek's latest campaign lit. (No, we can't pronounce it either.) If you look closely, you can tell that Dean's big-ol' head has been transported onto the body of some sort of Men's Warehouse ad.

Alan Bernstein of the Houston Chronicle has a great dig at the Congressional candidate's ridiculous and possibly politically fatal decision not to schedule a simple photo session:

The brochure that... former Sugar Land mayor Dean Hrbacek mailed to voters this week says, "Dean's record speaks for itself."
But his physique does not. In a photo next to the words of praise, Hrbacek's body is spoken for by the torso of an appreciably slimmer man.
The picture, presented as a true image of the candidate, is actually a computerized composite of Hrbacek's face and someone else's figure, in suit and tie, from neck to knee caps. The give-away is a flawed fit of head and collar.

Oops. Hey, have you guys heard of this amazing new invention? I think it's going to be pretty hip by 2059. It's called fuckin' Photoshop.

Source: Bush Lied 47,519,848,857 Times About Iraq

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:47:00 GMT

The Associated Press is reporting today on two studies by independent organizations that point to a multitude of lies spread by George W. Bush and his cohorts.

"In short, the Bush administration led the nation to war on the basis of erroneous information that it methodically propagated and that culminated in military action against Iraq," concludes the Fund for Independence in Journalism.

A better conclusion would be: really? Bush lied about Iraq? Hey, so I've got this great property in the Glengarry Highlands in Florida...

According to the study, Bush made at least 259 of the 935 documented false statements from Administration officials (and as President of the United States, these cannot be dismissed as "errors," these are called "war crimes.") In second place, Colin Powell, former Secretary of State and perennial do-gooder who later admitted he didn't believe half of what he was saying.

Is this going to change anyone's mind about the war, which is apparently going so much better now that there are only 14 survivors left in Iraq?

[Photo: Lawrence Jackson, Associated Press]

Your Prayers Answered: GOP In Crisis

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Just in the last few hours, we've been trying to figure out which institution is having a worse day: the stock market or the Grand Old Party.

First, Fred Thompson withdrew from the race after he was caught with an even hotter woman than his wife. (Okay, that didn't happen. And his wife ain't all that hot, either.)

Mitt Romney made a total out-of-touch-white-guy ass of himself at the MLK tribute in Florida. He even used the term "bling bling," which is even more funny when heard with the robotic gears clinking along in his jaw.

And Mike Huckabee's campaign still can't raise two bits without starting a registry at Target. This could spell the end for him.

[Photo: Steve Helber, Associated Press]

Scanner Survey: What About the VP?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 20:33:00 GMT

Texas Hold 'Em is so 2006, yo. This year, the Mafia and drunk old ladies in Atlantic City are rallying around one exciting gamble:

The CNN GOP Vice-Presidential Prediction Poll…

Check out the monetary rankings and then:

As it stands, ultra-scary Mike Huckabee aka "Damien, from the Omen" is running second to "None of the Above," which is what Democrats can only pray for. We'd like to know:

1) Who would you pick? (Whether or not you’re a Republican.)
2) Who do you think the likely nominee will pick? I’m guessing McCain will pick Thompson, for example.

Your answers in the comments below.

Just a Regular, Every Day, Normal Gay Retired General. Or Not.

Bryan Christian — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:50:00 GMT

The Red State Blogosphere is ablaze with reports that Keith Kerr -- the gay vet that raised a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" question at the GOP/You Tube debate that you didn't watch last night -- is, in fact, part of Hillary Clinton's Gay Steering Committee, whatever that is. (We have friends in a gay sailing club, is it similar?) As much as it pains us to do it, here's what Michelle Malkin has to say abou... Nope. Can't do it. How about Glenn Reynolds over at Instapundi... Argh. Hurts too much. And there's no way we can link to Drudge; our fucking brains would melt. Ah -- thank Christ Crooks and Liars is also coming out with the story (and full video, as opposed to the truncated clip we found up top).

As it turns out, Gen. Kerr is co-chair of Hillary Clinton’s National Military Veterans Group, an affiliation that is making the right wing blogs crazy–the nerve of a Democratic candidate supporter asking questions of Republicans! But Gen. Kerr’s question had neither anything to do with Clinton nor was it partisan in nature. But leave it to the wingnuts to ignore the substance because of the messenger.

I don't know, guys. We're all for sneakiness and stuff, but you know what we're not for: getting caught and looking like 'tards. Also unimpressive: lazy cable news networks who don't use The Google. (Poor Anderson Cooper; clearly the wrong anchor to be caught in this dustup.) Don't get us wrong, now! If we had our druthers, we'd have plants in every debate everywhere. But maybe rather than asking polite questions, sitting down, and then getting their ass shown by the Internet the next day, a plant should ask politicians something really good, really upsetting, maybe insulting, and get made right on the spot. Otherwise, you know, it's the same old boring, complacent decorum that allows crap like this to happen.

What do you think? If you were a plant at a GOP debate, what would the most inflammatory question be that you could think of? (Basic cable friendly, please.)