Scanner : Iraq

Sloppy Seconds: Elisha Cuthbert Survives Harrowing Hit-And-Run

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:36:00 GMT

In Iraq, they have shoe-throwers. In America, egg-tossers.

Jenna Haze was named the porn performer of the year. [NSFW]

Heidi Klum is pregnant with that ba(l)d singer's fourth child.

Elisha Cuthbert survived a hit-and-run driver, thanks to her training for 24. A crazy New York driver (sorry for the double negative) nearly ran her down one recent evening, but she survived by jumping onto the hood. Actually, her story is kind of confusing, mainly because no one seems to know where these out-of-context quotes came from.

The Pay It Forward movement has taken over a couple of Alabama coffee shops.

Maybe it is possible to die of a broken heart: a couple married for over 67 years end up dying just a few hours apart.

Here's proof the right-wingers are completely insane. (We don't have anybody this nutty on our side.)

And Bruno edited itself down to an R-rating. Yay for Unrated DVDs!

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Smile, or You'll Get Divorced

The Dark Knight Starting To Inspire Copycat Crazies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We're surprised it's taken this long for the world's bumbling criminals to fall in love with Heath Ledger's depiction of The Joker, perhaps one of the most memorable villains in Hollywood history.

First, a tragic example of someone who took the joke a little too far, followed by a more positive note...

Army Spc. Christopher Lanum, 25, a suspect in the stabbing of a fellow soldier, Spc. Mitchell Stone, at Fort Eustis, was killed hours after the attack when he pointed a loaded shotgun at police after a chase. He had reportedly painted his face and dressed to look like The Joker, the villain from Batman comics and the movie The Dark Knight.

Lanum was apparently obsessed with the villain, according to reports filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Norfolk. The records stated that Patsy Montowski, Lanum's girlfriend, indicated that Lanum:
"said everything The Joker did he did for a reason, like killing people, and that he agreed with the philosophy of doing things for a reason." [SNAFU-ed]

Perhaps the most depressing part of the tale is their quote from Lanum's mother: "All I can tell you is that Christopher served 18 months in Iraq and he never came actually home to us."

Another young man adopted the movie character as his hero, with very different results:

"Some kid dressed up as the Joker was caught stealing movie posters from a theatre's lobby and was consequently arrested for it." Holy hooligans! Phony 'Joker' arrested in Michigan [Comcast.net]

The mugshot, seen here, is almost adorable.

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Ex-Detroit Mayor Gets All Sexy With the Texts

And The Nominees Are... and Should've Been...

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The Iraqi shoe thrower was sentenced to three years in prison. Come on, even if this happened in Texas while Bush was Governor, he probably wouldn't have received such a lengthy prison term.

Radiohead to a vindictive Miley Cyrus: shut up and "grow up."

This mama monkey in Thailand shows her incredibly cute lil' monkey offspring how to floss with human hair. And they say evolution is a myth.

Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's doctor were charged with being complete assholes to her, basically helping her die young.

A great many teens appear to blame Rihanna for Chris Brown going medieval on her. Where does this kind of thinking come from? The parents?

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is getting spiritual advice from... Russell Simmons? Not that we're against it, but we're hoping he's advising her to abandon her singing career.

It seems John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again. Moving along...

And Will Ferrel will broadcast his Broadway show on HBO at 9pm EST on Saturday.

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Crush of the Week: Carrie Brownstein

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

While You Were Sleeping: Bad Choice by SNL

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:33:00 GMT

Ellen Barkin may do an HBO series that will serve as her revenge plot against her asshole ex-husband.

A boy opened a large birthday present and discovered his Dad, home from Iraq, inside.

Morrissey, Amy Winehouse, My Bloody Valentine, Leonard Cohen, the Cure, and Paul McCartney are the headliners for Coachella. (David Bowie said no.)

You can thank Joe Biden for pushing Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State.

Blago got "fucking impeached."

Alaska is about to be wiped out by a giant volcano. Or something.

We can't imagine she's a strong comedian: Caroline Kennedy may be heading to SNL.

And Mike White, writer/co-star of the School of Rock and other films, will join his very interesting Dad on The Amazing Race. This might actually be worth watching now...

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

Scanner Highs and Lows: Friday Night Lit

How Low Can You Go, Wino (and Us)?

Blake Fielder-Civil Sends Amy Winehouse A Pic Of His Dick

While You Were Sleeping: Mickey Rourke's Wrestling Career

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:58:00 GMT

John Landis, the director of the Thriller video, is suing Michael Jackson, who wants to do a Broadway musical of the hit song.

This is the funniest prisoner escape story we've yet come across.

Here's how we really do not want to die: sitting on a toilet, having just masturbated with a gas mask over our faces, discovered by a co-worker, on our second day on the job.

Blackwater has been denied a license to kill operate in Iraq.

Cindy Adams weighs in on the Oscar buzz (now they're saying Sean Penn will win Best Actor) and celebs griping about photographers.

The latest White House rumor? Michelle Obama is pregnant.

And Mickey Rourke will not participate in Wrestlemania after all. He was probably joking around-- either that or they didn't offer him enough moolah.

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Tickle Me Emo: Male Rocker RealDoll

Londoners Knew How to Drink Us Under the Table

Sloppy Seconds: Job-Sanctioned Sex

English Baroness is a Freaky Prankster

Students Study Abroad... in Iraq?

Scanner Matt — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 19:31:00 GMT

University of Maryland University College now offers classes in the war torn nation of Iraq. The faculty keep Kevlar jackets within reach and students carry rifles to class along with their books.

"It makes for a strange college campus," reports The Washington Post, "Cement blast walls, helicopters roaring overhead, packs of wild dogs howling, the risk of mortar and rocket attacks."

Of course these classes are for service members only. This is not the typical cushy semester-long debaucherous jaunt in Western Europe, where privileged students search for sex, drugs, romanticism and their spoiled souls... we assume.

Even on a protected military base, college in a war zone has a makeshift, edgy feel. UMUC faculty teach wherever they can find space. At Victory, a network of bases near Baghdad International Airport that has served as the U.S. military's nerve center in Iraq since 2003, classes have been held in a tent, the back of a chapel and a conference room built in Hussein's former stable for camels and horses.

Hopefully these students are studying foreign policy.

Related:

High Class College Hooker: No One Understands Me

Did You Get Your Money's Worth at College?

This Week in Hot for Teacher News: Another Sexy Teacher Gets Sexy With a Student

[image]

White House Press Secretary Gets A Black Eye

Scanner Matt — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

We assume you heard about the infamous shoe-thrower, Muntadhar al-Zaidi, who flung his soles at George Bush ("This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog!"). And if you read up on it, you learned that they beat the poor guy senseless while in custody.

Muntadar al-Zaidi has allegedly suffered a broken arm, broken ribs and internal bleeding, his older brother, Dargham, told the BBC.

But while Bush got away without a scratch, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino took a microphone in the eye during the melee, which resulted in a nice shiner.

Guess what's after the jump.

Bush's bullshitter took one for the team. AP has the story.

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

George Bush: From White House to 'Whites Only' House

Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!

[image]

New York Times: Iraq War Ends

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:07:00 GMT

Did you enjoy our little prank?

Well, we didn't come up with it, but we knew about it and were part of it on our own undisclosed way... and if you don't know what we're talking about, you will now.

And hey, if Lili Taylor thought it was awesome, it was worth getting up at the crack of dawn to pass these out in Union Square:

New York Times Special Edition Video News Release - Nov. 12, 2008

For those of you who don't live in New York City, here's a rundown from our friends Beka and Andy:

Hundreds of independent writers, artists, and activists are claiming
credit for an elaborate project, 6 months in the making, in which 1.2
million copies of a "special edition" of the New York Times were
distributed in cities across the U.S. by thousands of volunteers.

The papers, dated July 4th of next year, were headlined with
long-awaited news: "IRAQ WAR ENDS". The edition, which bears the same
look and feel as the real deal, includes stories describing what the
future could hold: national health care, the abolition of corporate
lobbying, a maximum wage for CEOs, etc. There was also a spoof site, at
http://www.nytimes-se.com/.

"Is this true? I wish it were true!" said one reader. "It can be true,
if we demand it."

"We wanted to experience what it would look like, and feel like, to
read headlines we really want to read. It's about what's possible, if
we think big and act collectively," said Steve Lambert, one of the
project's organizers and an editor of the paper.

"This election was a massive referendum on change. There's a lot of
hope in the air, but there's a lot of uncertainty too. It's up to all
of us now to make these headlines come true," said Beka Economopoulos,
one of the project's organizers.

"It doesn't stop here. We gave Obama a mandate, but he'll need mandate
after mandate after mandate to do what we elected him to do. He'll need
a lot of support, and yes, a lot of pressure," said Andy Bichlbaum,
another project organizer and editor of the paper.

The people behind the project are involved in a diverse range of
groups, including The Yes Men, the Anti-Advertising Agency, CODEPINK,
United for Peace and Justice, Not An Alternative, May First/People
Link, Improv Everywhere, Evil Twin, and Cultures of Resistance.

In response to the spoof, the New York Times said only, "We are looking
into it." Alex S. Jones, former Times reporter who is an authority on
the history of the paper, says: "I would say if you've got one, hold on
to it. It will probably be a collector's item."

UPDATE: Our lawyer just let us know that some of the 1.2 million copies are "already on sale on E-bay at prices from $30-40 to $200."

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Cheerleaders "Streak" High School Football Game

Sloppy Seconds: The Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Controversy

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

Drunk Man Has Sex With A Toyota (Hey, At Least It Wasn't A Hummer)

This Week In Gayness: Gay Leader Assassinated

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Amazingly, Google (as a corporate megapower) is stepping into the debate over gay marriage: they claim they will do everything they possibly can to insure it stays legal in California.

Almost ten years to the day of his death, the Matthew Shepard memorial has been publicly unveiled at the murder victim's former university.

A teenage boy upset that his friend was apparently spreading rumors of his gayness has confessed to the murder of said friend.

The Orlando Fox affiliate first claimed it would film at Come Out With Pride 2008, now they're acting all Fox News and turning their backs on the community...

The trans Top Model continues to raise positive interest in this so-called "alternative lifestyle."

A Lowell, Massachusetts man is guilty of beating another man for being gay.

A 27-year-old university student in Bagdhad, who was leading the LGBT movement there, was assassinated while getting a haircut:

He was one of the organisers of safe houses for gay men in Baghdad and was co-ordinator of Iraqi LGBT in the city.

Peter Tatchell of LGBT human rights group OutRage! said:

"On 25th September, I received the sad news from Iraq that the coordinator of Iraqi LGBT in Baghdad, Bashar, aged 27, a university student, was assassinated in a barber shop.

Trying to end on an upnote for a change... the South African health minister, who thought it was wise to suggest vitamins over drugs for HIV patients, has been removed from office, thanks to AIDS and/or LGBT activists.

Related:

Gay Community Attacks McCain By Outing His Chief Of Staff

You Can't Argue With A Conservative... No, Really, It's A Fact

This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Crush of the Week: Jamie Clayton, The Hottest Transsexual

Video of the Day: Do You Really Want to Hurt George?

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:34:00 GMT

Important topics for the U.S. Department of State on Tuesday: Iran and Boy George's Visa.

Unfortunately we can't embed the video but you can watch U.S. Department of State Daily Deputy Spokesman Tom Casey comment on the state of the pop star's status, and quip, "Do you really want to hurt him?"

We think they do.

[Video]

Obama VP List Down To Top 20

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 16:43:00 GMT

Rogue Iraqi Presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama has whittled his list down to a whopping twenty infidels, just to throw us off the track.

Sen. Kent Conrad of North Dakota told CNN that some of those on the list are “top officials now,” others are “former lawmakers” and others are “former top military leaders.”

Let's see... Wesley Clark? Kathleen Sebelius? John Edwards? Those are our guesses. Speaking of Edwards, he is polling strong as a VP choice... and more importantly, helping the Obama brand:

Obama/Edwards [have] double-digit leads in states like New York, Missouri, Oregon, Washington, Wisconsin, Iowa, Ohio, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New Mexico, and California. That could mean a landslide for Democrats in November, especially considering the competitive nature of national contests in Pennsylvania and Ohio in recent years. But what's more interesting is that it also predicts considerable victories elsewhere, like [Republican Gov. Tim] Pawlenty's home state of Minnesota, where Obama/Edwards leads by 7 points. And typically red states like Nebraska would also go to the Democrats in a squeaker. [Eyes on Obama]

Meanwhile, Obama's team will meet with the top female politician in the country. Wrong-- it's Nancy Pelosi. Sorry, Hillary, but don't fret-- you must be on that list, somewhere around #18 and #19...

Via CNN.

And You Thought Only Lesbians Still Watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 22 May 2008 18:38:00 GMT

So, what do NPR correspondents in Baghdad do to unwind when they're not taking death-rides in Humvees and listening to bombs go off?

Watch Buffy, natch.

In this segment, NPR correspondent Jamie Tarabay talks about why she loved watching Buffy while reporting from Iraq. Hint: cute clothes were only part of the reason.

Saddam Hussein: Drop the Soap, Just Don't Share It

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:38:00 GMT

What would you rather: have your hanging/beheading captured on camera phone or contract AIDS in prison? Okay, actually, don't answer that, we don't really want to know. But had you asked Saddam Hussein that question he might have gone with the hanging/beheading. (And he kind-of did, though that wasn't exactly his choice.)

Hussein was afraid of catching HIV and/or venereal diseases while in a U.S.-controlled prison, but apparently he didn't know too much about how said diseases are transmitted.

When Saddam found out his U.S. military guards were also using his laundry line to dry clothes, he wrote that he demanded they stop, according to the excerpts.
"I explained to them that they are young and they could have young people's diseases," Saddam wrote. "My main concern was to not catch a venereal disease, an HIV disease, in this place." He said some soldiers ignored his request.

Yeah, because sharing a laundry line is way more dangerous than dropping the soap, or, you know, having your head chopped off.

Bets on when this will become a South Park episode?

[The AP: Diaries showed Saddam feared getting AIDS in prison]

MSNBC: Bush Signed Torture Memo

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

The evidence, which in an ideal world would end his Presidency, after the jump...

The short version? The White House has long denied Bush knew anything about the military's/CIA's policy of deliberately torturing and abusing inmates. Although that signature does not appear to say "George Bush," sources say it is his handwriting and that this is no fake.

UPDATE: Did anyone see Andrew Sullivan on TV last weekend? Well, he basically said that Bush administration officials should remain in the country, since war crimes charges are possible. And he's a gay Republican-- imagine what the Democrats will say on the Sunday shows.

Madonna's "Casablanca" Remake Will NEVER Beat Pam Anderson's

Bryan Christian — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 13:02:00 GMT

It's nowhere near a done deal -- especially considering Madonna's track record on the big screen -- but Madge wants her next movie to be a remake of Casablanca, set in modern-day Iraq.

The singer, whose previous film career has been littered with critical and commercial turkeys, is also planning to take the lead role of Ilsa Lund, which originally made a star of Ingrid Bergman.
A source at a major Hollywood studio that was recently approached by the 49-year-old star said: "She is still determined to make it in the movies.
"She and her representatives have been touting around a project which is a remake of Casablanca. The reception has been lukewarm to say the least. No one can understand why she wants to redo what many people consider the greatest film of all time."

Well of course response to the idea has been lukewarm. You want a put a brassy blonde in a remake of Casablanca set in an arrid, forbidding landscape? Well, sorry Charlie, you're only like 10 years too late. Does no one remember the post-apocalyptic, gender-switched spin that Pamela Anderson Lee gave that whole hill of beans thing in 1996's Barb Wire? And she got to be the Bogie role and everything! Don't believe us? Click through for proof!

OK, if you got 3 minutes to spare, click here for the original review of Barb Wire by Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert which corroborates our story. But if you got a couple hours to kill , then sit back, relax, and unbutton your pants, because we here at Scanner are proud to present -- in all its VHS-dubbed-glory -- Barb Freaking Wire. Enjoy.

Why Does This Cute Old Man Have Three Guns?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Duh. Because he has cancer.

"When I was diagnosed with cancer I found myself and my family in need of protection. I was too old to fight, too sick to run, and since cancer took my vocal cords, I couldn't yell for help. I purchased my first ever firearm."

Hm. What about Life Alert? Shouldn't every senior citizen have Life Alert? Since he's cute—and sick, and old—we'll move on to Jessica. What's her excuse?

"I'm just one little girl in the world."

Thanks, Jessica. That's exactly what young girls need to hear: women are powerless and guns will make us powerful. To each her own, we guess, but it's this picture that really disturbs us:

Caption this?

We grew up in a place where people were often shot randomly on the street and we were all but forced to fire a shotgun for a Girls' Scout badge, so we're not exactly fans. But some people luuurve their firearms, and they have their reasons. We even understand there are a few good arguments out there for civilians owning guns for purposes other than hunting, not that we agree with any of them.

If you're interested to find out why Americans own guns—even if you just want to laugh and point or roll your eyes in despair—check out "Armed America: Portraits of Gun Owners in Their Homes."

[Armed America via Didn't You Hear?]

(Yes, we know it came out in 2007 and you may have already seen it, but we thought the five year-ish anniversary of the Iraq War was as good a time as any to share.)

While You Were Peeping

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 13:12:00 GMT

While you were microwaving peeps, or singing "Easter People, Raise Your Voices," or whatever the hell else you did over the weekend, some very important and not so important things happend, like us missing out on the Peeps Diorama Contest. Seriously, how did we not know about this?

Paris Hilton had to celebrate herself for actually coming into contact with poor black kids, so she threw herself a party in Johannesburg.

Grandma Lohan crashed her Nissan in New York. Hopefully she was wearing clean underwear.

Scientists found a giant starfish in Antarctica.

Jason Rae—husband of British singer Corrine Bailey Rae (the "girl put your records on" girl)—was found dead Saturday, possibly due to a drug overdose.

Kevin Federline turned 30, apparently in style.

And we hate including this in the same post as Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline, but it's worth mentioning that the US military death toll in Iraq reached 4,000.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to Boobs

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 22:14:00 GMT

In our lifetimes many boobs will come and go. But every once in a while a pair like no other comes along (and, no, they don't belong to Ashley Alexandra Dupre). And just like that, they're gone.

Highs:

New New York Governor David Paterson was up-front with the public about his past extra-martial affairs. And we totally respect that.

We found out you'd rather have sex with a real girl from New Jersey than a prostitute. But just barely.

We have a plan for that girl from New Jersey.

Spring came! And we celebrated by looking at some skin.

Facebook taught us that Mom was right all along.

We learned that every Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now online.

We had a little too much fun when Fox News online momentarily lost its shit.

Barack Obama impressed us again. Yes, we're biased.

Lows:

We were disturbed by the Baby Jesus Butt Plug and the Rubber Fisting Mitten among other things.

We said goodbye to Halle Berry's glorious pregnancy breasts.

We also said goodbye to Asia Argento's golden years.

We laughed at someone else's misfortune: droopy ass implants.

We were reminded that it's been five years since the Iraq war began. Even though America just isn't that into Iraq.

Two (count them: one, two) kind-of important people died.

Scanner Nicole made us look at Katie Holmes' gnarly toes.

We had The Plauge.

Dear Iraq: I'm Just Not That Into You. -America

Katie Halper — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 22:00:00 GMT

Hey Iraq,

What's up? It's me, America. I'm sorry I didn't really plan anything for our five-year anniversary Wednesday. You know I was never good with dates, or making plans, or remembering anything, especially when it comes to your needs. I mean I could barely keep your family members straight, you know like your Shia/ Sunni thing? That was really confusing! Wow, five years is a long time. You know, when I brought you democracy five years ago, I was really into you. In fact, I had had my eye on you for a long time. I was just waiting for some excuse to pursue you. So when that whole 9/11 thing happened, it seemed like the perfect ice-breaker. And I made a move.

But I think I was maybe into you for the wrong reasons. I've been doing a lot of processing lately. Remember how I used to tell you how badly I wanted to "invade you" and "liberate you" from that abusive dictator? Well I did. And after I freed you from Saddam, I ravished you; I ravished your oil fields, and I privatized your industries and and I drilled you long and hard until you didn't have any oil left to give me... and it was great.

But I have a knight-in-shining-armor savior complex. Or really more like a knight-in-insufficient-body-armor complex. And added to that was my Oedipal pathology and the weird issues I had with failure and impotence over the fact that I had gone after you in the 1990s but wasn’t man enough to seal the deal.

Anyway, there was just a lot of baggage involved. And honestly, the thing I was most interested in was your booty. I mean, after I removed Saddam and got your oil, I didn't really have a plan or anything, because I guess I was thinking with the wrong head. I guess, I didn't really think about what it would be like between us once Saddam was gone, whether we’d still be into each other, what your friends and family would think of me and how they'd respond to me. I didn’t even bother learning Iraqi, so I couldn't even communicate with you. And I fired all my translators because they're all gay.

And so I've been kind of going through the motions with you. I'm still with you, sure, but I don't really care about you as much as an occupying power should. And I guess I'm just not that invested in my relationship with you (I’m talking emotionally here).

And before you say anything, I know I've sent you mixed messages. And I apologize for the drunk dials and texts about your weapons of mass destruction and yellow cake and all that. I was just really trying to get into you oil fields.

Which is why, on our five-year anniversary, I didn't really do anything special. I mean in all fairness I was just too distracted because there are a lot of big things going on with me right now. You know I'm not really good at communicating, so the best way to understand where I’m at, what I’m thinking about and what I'm looking for in life (and on-line) is probably by going to Google Hot Trends. You’ll see that Wednesday, while you were celebrating our anniversary, I was busy looking at naked photos of Kristin Davis, trying to figure out if Sex and the City’s Charlotte really did go “from Deck the Halls to Licking Balls.” I was also really concerned about the "child uses lunchbox as toilet" story. And, honestly, how could I think about how many of your people and my soldiers have died, when I had a much more important calculation to determine: "how many horns does a unicorn have?"

So, Iraq, I guess I just wanted to say that if you want to be friends that’s cool. But if you’re looking for a real relationship, with a country that really cares about you and is willing to put in the hard work necessary to lay the foundation for a healthy democracy, it ain’t me babe. I’m just not that into you.

~~Peace~~ Best,

America

P.S. I’m telling you now because I wanted you to hear it from me. I didn’t want you to hear it from Iran, because I know you guys have this weird relationship. And the fact that I confuse you guys and can’t keep you straight sometimes doesn’t help, I’m sure. But you guys are neighbors so I’m sure you’ve already heard the rumors. I mean, I've already been outed by Seymour Hersh who said "my wet dream is hitting Iran." (Am I that transparent, Sy?) I’m trying to keep my intentions towards Iran under wraps. But, yes, I’m kind of starting something with her.

Celebrate the 5-Year Anniversary of Iraq With Bush's Wood!

Katie Halper — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 20:45:00 GMT

Typically, five-year anniversaries are celebrated with wood. Unfortunately, for Iraqi romantics, there's not a lot of spare wood, or spare anything, to be found in Iraq right now. But then again, the Iraqis are good sports and used to disappointment. I mean, there were never any Weapons of Mass Destruction found either.

But there's always that Mission Accomplished Cod Piece, which Bush immortalized 5 years ago, to enhance his own wood into an WMD. So at least the people of Iraq have that image to celebrate.

Strip Clubs: The New Red Zone

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:40:00 GMT

Iraq has the Red Zone, one of its most dangerous neighborhoods (although statistics are somewhat unscientific due to all the scientists having fucking left.) America now has its own Red Zone, which is apparently a fifty-mile radius surrounding your local strip club.

First there was Sean Bell, although we're pretty sure the groom-to-be's wedding day death was not the first strip club shooting. Today, we received word of a man suing a New York City strip club for injuries suffered while receiving a lap dance. And no, it wasn't that kind of injury.

A securities trader was getting his tease on at a Madison Square Garden-area strip club called the Hot Lap Dance Club when

According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him "serious injuries.

Other sources indicate the man has been blinded in that eye. It wouldn't even be the first time someone suffered lasting damage from a visit to a strip club, and we're not just talking about psychological damage. Another patron was given a black eye by a strip club bouncer and one man died while getting the world's longest lap dance. And, of course, Sean Bell and his friends were gunned down outside a Queens strip club when cops thought he may have happened to possess a gun somewhere on his person, or at home.

We're now officially afraid of strip clubs.

Link: Man Dies After Two Hour Marathon Lap Dance...

[Image/link via snarfd]

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Jamie Tarabay

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:00:00 GMT

She's brilliant, gorgeous, and has an accent which is an amalgamation of several hot accents. In fact, there's no reason to feel any guilt at all for being into Jamie Tarabay... other than for the fact that she's National Public Radio's woman in Baghdad.

We therefore feel a ridiculous amount of guilt for loving her and wishing she were here with us instead of doing what she really wants to do, which is apparently to meet some sort of terrible fate for the honor of Robert Siegel.

We'd gladly sacrifice ten to eighty years off the ends our lives to marry the woman we first saw last year on "Real Time with Bill Maher." Yep, move to Baghdad and have depleted uranium babies. No, seriously, we'd move there and the consequences be damned... except now Jamie's apparently back in DC. Now we have no excuse for hating ourselves for loving her, except for the fact that we'd, uh, prefer moving to Baghdad.

P.S. You can't tell from the above pictures (can anyone link to some better shots from her "Real Time" appearance?), but she also has a fantastically attractive gap between her front teeth. Dead serious, it's really hot.

Source: Bush Lied 47,519,848,857 Times About Iraq

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 18:47:00 GMT

The Associated Press is reporting today on two studies by independent organizations that point to a multitude of lies spread by George W. Bush and his cohorts.

"In short, the Bush administration led the nation to war on the basis of erroneous information that it methodically propagated and that culminated in military action against Iraq," concludes the Fund for Independence in Journalism.

A better conclusion would be: really? Bush lied about Iraq? Hey, so I've got this great property in the Glengarry Highlands in Florida...

According to the study, Bush made at least 259 of the 935 documented false statements from Administration officials (and as President of the United States, these cannot be dismissed as "errors," these are called "war crimes.") In second place, Colin Powell, former Secretary of State and perennial do-gooder who later admitted he didn't believe half of what he was saying.

Is this going to change anyone's mind about the war, which is apparently going so much better now that there are only 14 survivors left in Iraq?

[Photo: Lawrence Jackson, Associated Press]

Cheap Army Uniforms Causing Crotch Blow-Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 14:57:00 GMT

For those unlucky enough to be stuck fighting in Iraq, the last thing they need is a busted crotch on their fatigues. But when the U.S. government is too cheap to provide anything but a single-stitch where it matters most, blown-out pants are apparently an all-too-often occurrence in the Army. Since soldiers began reporting "crotch durability problems" two years ago, they're working on keeping our boys in combat all covered up.