Scanner : Jessica Simpson

Is Dora The Explorer's Weight a Thing?

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 21:11:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Earlier this month, our minds were semi-blown when the newly slimmed down Miss Piggy appeared as a guest on The View, and now it seems even Dora the Explorer is bringing skinny back to Saturday morning cartoons.

Here's a look at the new, sexier Dora...

Read more...

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Dolly Parton has come to rescue Jessica Simpson, although we think it's a bit late for that now.

Mike Myers and Paris Hilton won several insulting awards over the weekend.

Ladies, don't despair: your best sex comes in your forties.

Thanks to this kid, the porn thief has been captured.

Is it better to be unemployed than to have a job in your 20s as an obit writer? In Florida?

Three Westboro Wackos were routed from protesting the Flight 3407 disaster-- and they didn't even need to use violence.

Nicole Richie is pregnant again.

Here's your idiot Republican of the day: a Senator who offhandedly predicted Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be dead within the year.

Although it was snubbed for Best Song (why? why? there were only three song nominees this year!) and, ultimately, a Best Actor statue, The Wrestler won Best Feature at the Independent Spirit Awards. More about the event here.

One of the worst-ever Academy Awards ended last night with Slumdog Millionaire moseying up the podium with its main cast in tow. The big upset was Sean Penn's win for Best Actor, which some are already calling an apology for their Prop 8 votes. (If they wanted to do that, why didn't they vote for Milk for Best Picture? That would have been a much better judgment call, plus Mickey Rourke has never won an Oscar and was almost equally deserving.) To read the complete list of winners, click here.

Related:

Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Leo's Girlfriend is a Sports Illustrated Cover Girl

AskMen's Top 99 Women

Sloppy Seconds: RNC Chair Tells Critics to "Stuff It"

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:44:00 GMT

We stopped liking theater pretty much after we had that terrible drama mask tattoo covered with something else, but we're intrigued by "In the Next Room (Or the Vibrator Play." [NYT]

Robert De Niro and Van Morrison will be among Jimmy Fallon's first guests when he takes over "Late Night." [Yahoo!]

Lisa Rinna made a point of not hitting the gym before her Playboy shoot. [People]

Just as Richard Simmons offers Jessica Simpson weight loss advice. [Us]

There are very few things that make us miss living in New York, but this Snuggie pub crawl is one of them. [Snuggie Pub Crawl]

Michael Steele, chair of the RNC says he's taking the Republican Party beyond the cutting edge, so far beyond in fact, that it will be "off the hook." If you don't like it? "Stuff it." [CNN]

Sloppy Seconds: In Which Our Indie Rock Wet Dream Comes True

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 23:13:00 GMT

If you could go back and date every guy you ever rejected, would you? That's the plot behind the new web TV series "Hell Froze Over." [HellFrozeOver.tv]

Someone else watched Miss USA's porn debut so you don't have to (unless you want to) and raised a good question: are you supposed to watch an entire porno? [Plog]

Who said it? "I've had times when my pants split right down the middle when I bent down to reach a note." [Us]

This 20-pound-lobster video required a second email from the Brooklyn Paper today. [Brooklyn Paper]

To catch a FOXNews producer.... yeah, you get the drift. [Gawker]

These celebrities' Valentine's Day plans sound about as sexy as ours (which is not at all). [Yahoo!]

But that's okay, this video of Elvis Costello performing Jenny Lewis' "Carpetbaggers" with Lewis and Zooey Deschanel is all the Valentine's love we need.

[via Stereogum]

Caption This: Every Time Pete Wentz Shops an Angel Gets Its Penis

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:27:00 GMT

[Image]

Scanner's Man of the Year: Pete Wentz (And His Penis)

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 17:45:00 GMT

Dear Pete Wentz,

Pete, Pete, Pete.

When we were first introduced to you as Ashlee Simpson's maybe baby daddy, we only knew you as that kid in the emo band who wore eyeliner—we had no idea what that band of yours was called or what you played (okay we sill don't know.... bass?). Who knew we'd get to know you so, so, so much better over the course of a few short months. But let's be honest here: had it not been for your penis, we'd hardly know you at all.

It's true, you may be a little dumb. And boring. But you were smart (or stupid?) enough to leak your own cell phone penis pictures, therefore making people who would otherwise never even know your name obsess over your penis.

For 18 weeks running—basically ever since we first made mention of your penis—you (okay, your penis)—has been among our top searched terms here at Scanner. In fact, when one Googles "Pete Wentz Penis" our site is the first to pop up. Hell, when one Google's "Scanner" we don't even appear until pages later. So, really Pete, we owe a lot to your penis.

For that, you are our Man of the Year.

Congratulations.

And we're sorry.

Related:

What Pete Wentz Has to Say About Those Penis Pictures

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz (<---Penis Pictures!)

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz and His Penis (and His Wife!) Win the Weird Baby Name Game

Today in Obvious: Pete Wentz is Dumb, Nice

Scanner Contest: Name The Celebrity Packages

Get Up, Get Out and Do Something

[Image]

Three's a Crowd: Kevin Costner Goes Country

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:03:00 GMT

It appears Jessica Simpson and ~~Hootie~~ Darius Rucker aren't the only ones who've gone country.

Actor Kevin Costner will fulfill his "longtime dream" this November when he releases his first country album with his band Modern West.

Don't get us wrong; we love country music. In fact we play in a country band. It's just contemporary country music that makes us want to shove our Dingo boots (both of them) up someone's ass to make the bad lyrics stop. Considering his band has already played a NASCAR event, it just might be one of those.

The bright side: the album can't be worse than Waterworld... right?

[People: Kevin Costner Goes Country with a New Album]

Related:

Jessica Simpson Recovers Quite Nicely from Her Honky Tonk Ass Flash

Sloppy Seconds: More Fun With Sarah Palin Affair Rumors

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Carla Bruni Sings Of Sex With 30 Men

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: More Fun With Sarah Palin Affair Rumors

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:36:00 GMT

~~Hootie~~ Darius Rucker, front man of Hootie and the Blowfish, has bumped Jessica Simpson from the top of Billboard's country chart. Um, is Hank Williams rolling over in his grave? [Us]

Heather Mills gave hamburgers to poor kids in the Bronx last weekend. Except she didn't exactly tell the kids the burgers were vegan. [Gourmet]

We imagine 13-year-old Christian girls (and their mothers) with no taste in music and boys are about the only ones not happy about Clay Aiken coming out. [People]

Yes, we were right. [Radar]

Will you buy Blair and Chuck's albums? We will not. Though we also said we would not watch "Gossip Girl".. sigh. [MTV]

Just as you should not go to George Clooney with a medical emergency (save something stuck in your vagina), you probably shouldn't go to Michael Douglas in times of financial crisis. But hell, nobody else is doing a good job of fixing it, so maybe the "Wall Street" star can offer some hope? [Yahoo!]

If what The Enquirer says is true (hey, they were right about John Edwards) then Sarah Palin used to fuck a snowmobile dealer named Brad Hanson, yet another business parter of poor Todd Palin. [Wonkette]

Sloppy Seconds: Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's Rock Star Performance

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:04:00 GMT

This is not a joke or a rumor we're trying to start about Sarah Palin, but apparently her personal email account (that she used to conduct government business) has been hacked. [techPresident]

Is it bad to laugh at this headline? [Naked Man Running Through Traffic Dies]

Okay, but we can laugh at this one, right? [R. Kelly says he was betrayed during porn probe]

Whatever you do, do not send Brokeback Mountain author Annie Proulx your happy endings. [Defamer]

Dane Cook has five sisters and he's still a douche. Interesting. [People]

Think what you will about her intelligence, style and talent, but Jessica Simpson's new album debuted at the top of the Billboard country chart. [Us]

Finally! We'll learn a little something about Carrie Bradshaw before she made her way to (and in) the Big Apple. [FadedYouth]

Scarlett Johansson would like you to recycle your old cell phone. Um, okay! [TeamSugar]

FLWLF (First Lady We'd Like to Fuck), Carla Bruni-Sarkozy rocked out with The Kings of Leon and Metallica on the BBC. [Yahoo!]

Jessica Simpson Recovers Quite Nicely from Her Honky Tonk Ass Flash

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Jessica Simpson didn't start the week off so well, but she sure did finish nicely.

If you recall, she gave a terrible live performance on Good Morning America while wearing some really bad clothes that didn't quite do the trick of keeping her bits covered.

Luckily, she hit the streets later in the week looking fabulous, and there's a brand new ass shot (albeit covered) after the jump. And the old one, just for shits and giggles.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Ready to Go Nude To Save Nonexistent Movie Career?

Does Jessica Simpson's BF Tony Romo Have Performance Anxiety?

[Images]

Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:42:00 GMT

Now both Simpson superstar sisters have had live TV flubs...

Jessica's is both far worse and far less embarrassing. Less embarrassing because it wasn't her fault-- as Scanner Emily told you the other day, Jessica started a song during a live GMA, but couldn't hear anything in her monitor and started over again almost without missing a beat. She's a very self-assured live performer in general, so no surprise on that end.

But speaking of ends... it was something else that caught our attention that may be the most ridiculous thing a Simpson sister has done on TV...

...wearing a skirt and no panties on live television. (For the record, there's nothing wrong with going commando. But for a live TV taping? Outdoors?! On a windy New York morning?!)

You can't really see it in the live broadcast, but check out this picture from the show:

We're not really going to comment on the above photo. We'll let the photo of Simpson realizing what's just happened do the talking:

Via Ninja Dude.

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

Who Would You Rather: Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz

Sloppy Seconds: Is Sarah Jessica Parker the Unsexiest Woman In Hollywood?

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Ready to Go Nude To Save Nonexistent Movie Career?

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Bangkok Dangerous star Nicholas Cage just settled with the IRS and agreed to pay hundreds of thousands in back taxes. Will you pay ours while you're at it, Nick? It's only a few hundred. [Forbes]

Josh Hartnett has filed a lawsuit against the UK's Daily Mirror after the paper ran a story claiming he had sex in the public area of a hotel. [People]

Are we seriously still talking about purity rings? [MollyGood]

We didn't even know there were rumors that Pam Anderson and Michael Jackson were dating. [Us]

If you live in New York and happen to see "the worst dressed group of young people" being followed around by cameras, you have entered The Real World, Brooklyn. [NY Press]

Another one for New Yorkers: we're going to be on TV tomorrow morning. We'll be showing you how to make your TV dinners better on Fox 5's "Good Day New York" at 8:39 a.m. Catch us if you can, or want to.

Jessica Simpson was in New York this morning to perform on Good Morning America. She stopped a live, televised performance because she couldn't hear anything. She also wore the worst outfit ever, and apparently she now has a southern accent. Except when she's "with yeeewah." [ABC]

While You Were Sleeping: Leighton Meester's Jail Story

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:46:00 GMT

Would this have been a good or bad thing? Jessica Simpson claims to have considered giving up singing publicly after her widely panned performance at the Kennedy Center Honors tribute to Dolly Parton.

The boys at school must've loved her: A woman named Yvonne Topless got into a fight with her boyfriend on a public bus in England.

The world's luckiest bastard Daniel Radcliffe lost his virginity at the age of sixteen in a manner we can still appreciate...

The 19-year-old actor confessed in a revealing interview to losing his virginity to an older woman - whose age would raise eyebrows.
Radcliffe admitted he celebrated reaching the age of consent, 16, in the customary manner with a much older girlfriend.
But although he insisted the age difference 'wasn't ridiculous', he did say it 'would freak some people out'.

Is Putin the world's most dangerous human being? Even fucking tigers are scared of this guy now.

One of the world's most wonderful people, Stevie Wonder, is to receive a Gershwin Award from the Library of Congress.

Leighton Meester's mom gave birth to her in a Federal prison, according to a shocking new report. (Talk about humble beginnings-- nice work, girl!)

The actress' mother was serving a federal prison sentence in Texas when she gave birth, and although baby Leighton was born in a halfway house, her mom returned to prison after her daughter turned three months. According to America's Star magazine, Meester was raised by a relative while her mother completed time for her role in an illegal drug enterprise.

And Jennifer Aniston is set to become Alec Baldwin's 30 Rock stalker when the funniest show on TV returns. (Let's just enjoy the fact that Alec Baldwin and 30 Rock are returning and forget about whether or not Aniston was the best casting choice...)

Justin Timberlake Makes Us Kinda Like Sports

Ina Maier — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 20:44:00 GMT

We never thought we'd say this but we're pretty sure this number from Justin Timberlake's gig last night as host of the ESPY's managed to turn even the most anti-atheletic of us into a (most likely temporary) sports fan. Also, despite our inital confusion of why on earth the ESPY's would choose Justin as host (don't most guys still think he's gay?), it looks like he managed to win the audience over. Though, to be fair, he did take the easy way out and make fun of Jessica Simpson.

Sloppy Seconds: Hollywood's Hottest Bachelor

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 21:40:00 GMT

Julia Allison's contract with Star has not been renewed, leaving her still employed elsewhere and probably fine. [Gawker]

Because she's microfamous. [Jossip]

Hey dumbass, a python is not an attack dog. And that's a good thing. [YBNBY]

Us wants to know if Jessica Simpson's shirt was attacking Carrie Underwood. As DippyGumball so freakishly pointed out earlier this week, uh, yeah. [Us]

50 Cent has been hanging out with Nelson Mandela. [MTV]

ABC would not like "Dirty, Sexy Money" to get any dirtier or sexier, thank you very much. [The Remote Island]

We've never really been able to get into the whole A.C. Slater-being-sexy thing. But apparently he can. And People can, too. According to the magazine, he's their Hottest Bachelor. [People]

Related:

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 20:37:00 GMT

No, not about that shirt. But about another one...

Though we have nothing but love for our vegetarian and vegan sisters. More meat for us!

Also, we absolutely agree with Jessica Simpson's decision to go country. Because as you know, while Scanner Emily is a little bit rock 'n roll, she's a lot country.

God, did we really just agree with her twice in one day?

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz

Does Jessica Simpson's BF Tony Romo Have Performance Anxiety?

We Just Found the Hottest Picture of Jessica Simpson Ever

Name That Girl: "Breasts like plucked guinea hens, undercooked and overstuffed."

[Image, Image]

Sloppy Seconds: A Whole-lotta Girl on Girl Competition

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 21:47:00 GMT

Poland is flying the rainbow flag. And not just literally. [Queerty]

Jessica Simpson is a little bit country and a little bit blonde bimbo. [Us]

Art or child pornography? An photographer's exhibit depicting nude teenage boys and girls. [Scopical]

Somebody get Ed McMahon a Publisher's Clearinghouse check, STAT! His house might be foreclosed on. [Us]

FHM's Top 100 Sexiest Women in the World vs. Maxim's Top 100 Sexiest Women in the World. [Orlando Sentinel]

Also, the Real Housewives of New York vs. The Real Housewives of Orange County. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: Spitzer May Have Found the Perfect "Sleazy Guy" Job

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:41:00 GMT

We're pretty in love with this list of the 50 coolest celebrity moms, though there are a few we'd kick out of book club. [Babble]

Hannah Montana could be hazardous to your health. Especially if you're an extra chilling on a ferris wheel and parts of the set start falling from the sky. [People]

X-Files star Gillian Anderson is pregnant with an alien baby. Hey, it could happen. [Yahoo!]

The New York Times is all over the California gay marriage gold rush. [Radar]

How many times do we have to tell you that Joe Simpson is way too involved in Jessica's personal life? Ugh. [Us]

You know what sounds like our worst nightmare? Being tied down by six kids at the young age of 33. Happy birthday, Angie! [Us]

To prove just how true that is, we're going to eat these chocolate babies. [Economy Candy]

Ex-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer may have found the perfect "sleazy dude" profession: real estate. [NY Observer]

Who Would You Rather: Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:59:00 GMT

We know you're a little tired of hearing about Ashlee Simpson Wentz and her baby and her baby daddy. But you know who is probably more tired of it? Poor Jessica Simpson. But maybe, just maybe, if you'd rather do Jess, she'll feel a little better about being pushed out of the spotlight by her little sister. So, which Simpson would you rather? Jessica or Ashlee?

Sloppy Seconds: In Which Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz Make Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 21:49:00 GMT

By the time (if ever) we get engaged, we'll probably be twice Jamie Lynn Spears' age and our engagement ring will cost half as much. [FameCrawler]

Is anyone going to read James Frey's new novel? It's supposed to be fiction. [Yahoo!]

If you had groupies, wouldn't you sleep with them? We would, unless we were, say, William Shatner and the Trekkies wanted to act out SciFi fantasies in bed. [Contact Music]

Rep. Larry McKeon, Illinois' first openly-gay politician is dead after suffering a stroke. [Queerty]

Dixie Chicks frontwoman Natalie Maines thinks Jessica Simpson should "pick back" on George Bush after he made a joke about "the Jessica Jinx." We couldn't agree more, and we'll even feed her the lines. [Us]

In the teaser for the upcoming Woody Allen film, Vicky Christina Barcelona, Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz lock lips for about 1.79 seconds. Everyone else is kissing, too, so you'll have to watch closely to catch it. [Defamer]

Scanner Highs And Lows: You Take the Bad, We'll Take the Cannoli

Brian Fairbanks — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 01:39:00 GMT

We got into as much trouble as we could, whether we could get away with it or not...

Highs:

We found ourselves hypnotized by online dating. For, basically, the first time ever.

Our (inner) childhoods were re-staged.

Jessica Simpson is not procreating after all, thank God.

We watched people have sex. In the interest of science, of course.

David Cross finally got himself some tail.

A bunch of old people butchered our favorite "Sonic Youth" song. Huzzah!

Santorum Alley? Thanks, we kind of like it here on Manbone Ridge.

Between Gordon Ramsey and Bobby Flay, we picked Anthony Bourdain.

One of the Fugees found us worthy of his valuable time.

Lows:

We got arrested.

Even the Hulk couldn't get us laid.

We learned that Gawker spies are everywhere.

A "Sex and the City" actress had cancer.

We called B.S. on everything the Daily Mail's ever printed.

Barack Obama lost his shit.

Big Love Got Big, Big Time.

We learned that Chrissie Hynde's sex appeal applies to straight women, as well.

Somebody needs to learn that putting "service" in quotes like that is going to make people think you're offering happy endings.

Jessica Simpson: I'm So Bloated, I Thought I Was Pregnant

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 18:16:00 GMT

Jessica Simpson is so much funnier in real life than in any movie she's ever miscast in.

According to the soulless Julia Allison's equally-soulless employer Star, Jessica Simpson lied about having a little pee-pee problem last month. It was actually more like an IV tube of Southern Comfort running 24 hours a day, pumping straight to her esophagus.

Reps for the singer said she was being treated for a "kidney infection," but an insider tells Star it was more than that. Jessica's health problems were "brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol," says the source. "She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a [snicker, snicker] urinary tract infection."

She sure did have a bladder problem. Between bonking Tony Romo so much that he couldn't even play flag football with his doomed Cowboys if he wanted to. (Didn't anyone ever see "Raging Bull"?)

"She used to keep her drinks to a minimum, because she's very conscientious about the calories," [said the source.]

We are pretty sure the part about Jessica cutting down on the carbs is true-- after all, she was making up for lost sexual time and her gut was becoming more pronounced. It's only natural that everyone thought she was pregnant when she was probably just trying out the Britney diet.

People, this is exactly why you're not supposed to wait until marriage to have sex. Because after losing your virginhood to a dirty old man like Nick Lachey, you will end up sleeping with every guy who comes along, every night of the week, after any amount of imbibing. (If you do, we won't judge. Unless you're Jessica Simpson.)

Sloppy Seconds: Who Tops GQ's List of Pussy-Whipped Husbands?

Emily Farris — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 20:37:00 GMT

Jessica Simpson was hospitalized last week to treat a minor kidney infection. Jess, how many times do we have to tell you you have to pee after sex?

Children collecting seashells on a Scottish seashore discovered a severed head in a sealed sack. Say that five times fast.

Since when is Elizabeth Banks a porn star?

Hey, nerds! Today is your one free pass per year to terrorize us cool kids.

Heather Mills will join the panel of celebrity judges for the upcoming Miss USA Pageant, continuing to promote the notion that if you're blond and thin, you can have whatever you want in this world.

Guy Ritchie, Bill Gates, and Eminem top GQ's list of pussy-whipped husbands. While some may think they're "emasculated, disempowered, henpecked," we like to think that they're supporting their wives. What say you?

Sloppy Seconds: Is Sarah Jessica Parker the Unsexiest Woman In Hollywood?

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 21:17:00 GMT

Drew Lachey, little brother of Jessica Simpson's ex-husband Nick, did not have an affair with his Dancing With the Stars partner Cheryl Burke. You hear? OK. He just wanted to clear that up. You got it? No affair. None.

We're a little confused by this story, but if it's true, the economy must be in worse shape than we thought. A woman in Arizona apparently arranged a friendly barter with a pal: oral sex for gas. Then something went terribly awry and she stabbed him. With scissors. In the face.

Apparently Hillary Clinton was in The White House while Bill was sticking Cuban cigars in Monica Lewinsky's vajayjay. But to be fair, it's a big, big house. And why are we still talking about this?

If only they had YouTube when we were in high school, we'd be as famous as the kid who edited together safe-for-work scenes from a 1980's porn film for a school project. Of course, we would have had to be that clever in high school. And also been a little better on the A-B roller.

Back in October, Maxim voted "Sex and the City" star Sarah Jessica Parker the unsexiest woman in Hollywood. And now she's speaking out. And she's pissed. And we're confused. There are so many, many, many women who are far less sexy than SJP. Just who did she beat out? C'mon Maxim! We wish we could say we expected better of you. Sigh.

Image via images.askmen.com

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Fall in Love With Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 21:33:00 GMT

There were a few things that happened this week that didn't have anything to do with soon-to-be-former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's high class hooker, but we were all pretty much focused on one thing this week, and her name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

Highs:

We were pleasantly surprised by Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

We found out that she is hot, hot, hot.

She tossed his salad. Yup.

She made the cover of the New York Post (hot).

Ill Doctrine made a mash up of Ahsley's "What We Want" and Snoop Dogg's "Sensual Seduction."

Highs That Have Nothing to do With the Spitzer Sex Scandal:

We found a hot picture of Jessica Simpson. And we really, really want to play Big Buck Hunter 2.

We Named That Bush.

We'll see you in Amsterdam. Oh, yes we will.

Lows:

We were all pretty surprised when the news first broke that Spitzer had dropped thousands on a prostitute.

We decided this whole Spitzer ordeal would be so much better if he'd just plain old cheated on his wife. Or legalized prostitution when he had the chance.

Of course, he resigned.

Lows That Have Nothing to do With the Spitzer Sex Scandal:

Britney Spear's cartoon video. Meh.

A woman stayed on the toilet for two years. Which made us fall in love with our expensive toilet paper all over again.

We lost a nostril and a boob.

"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis was released from a Florida prison. Hide your boobies!

White supremacists.

If we weren't already going to hell, we certainly are now.

Sally Kern. (P.S. Satire, anyone?)

We Just Found the Hottest Picture of Jessica Simpson Ever

Bryan Christian — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Holy smoke, where in the heck is this girl when we read Jessica Simpson's name in boldface? This is a girl we wanna buy a beer and a round of Big Buck Hunter 2 and maybe drunkenly make out with at the bar.

[Photo by: X17Agency]

Brain Teaser: Find the Missing Ex-Girlfriend at Cosmo's "Fun Fearless Male" Awards

Bryan Christian — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:57:00 GMT

Here she is!

We had no idea that dating Jessica Simpson required one to be both fun and fearless, thus nominating one for Cosmo's "Fun Fearless Male" award. Fearless, sure, but fun? Good thing for Dane Cook it wasn't funny.

Guess out of Cook, Tony Romo, John Mayer, a bunch of other guys who probably wouldn't mind having nailed Jessica Simpson, and Common, Mayer had the most fun/least fear dating Ms. Simpson, as he actually won the "FFM" award -- which means that he, rather ickily, followed yet again in the, er, footsteps of last year's "FFM" winner: Nick Lachey. (Actually, we've heard a few juicy stories about Mayer and Simpson's sexlife, and we have to say: it certainly does sound like Mayer rather fearlessly had all the fun he could with her. They give awards for that?)

And yes, word is that at the awards ceremony, Mayer, Romo, and Cook were all well aware of their having docked their weenies in the same occasionally harbor -- not least because the press kept asking.

So big ups to Cosmo for keepin' it classy! Look for their "Fun Fearless Male" awards next year, brought to you by Zovirax!

Michael Lohan: The Only Person on Earth Who Won't See Lindsay Lohan's Breasts

Emily Farris — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 17:29:00 GMT

Are you tired of hearing about Lindsay's photos re-creating Marilyn Monroe's 'last sitting?' We're getting there, but it's our job to care about such things.

Who doesn't care to see them? Her daddy dearest, Michael Lohan.

And it seems they don't have the same kind-of relationship, as say, Jessica Simpson and her daddy Joe.

“I’m not going to look at the photos — that’s my daughter!” he told Usmagazine.com in a telephone interview this morning.

Still, he told Us he approves of his daughter’s decision to recreate the iconic 1962 photos of Marilyn Monroe known as “The Last Sitting” for New York magazine.

“Lindsay is an adult, and she knows the direction she wants to take her career,” he said. “It’s her decision.

“The fact that the photographer [Bert Stern] who did Marilyn Monroe’s pictures would ask Lindsay to re-create them … that’s an amazing thing.”

[Us Weekly: Michael Lohan: "I'm Not Going to Look at" Topless Lindsay Shots]

[Previously on Scanner: We're Done Thinking of Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnancy Edition...and Other Stuff

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 22:06:00 GMT

We came, we saw, wet got pregnant.

Highs:

We were pleased to learn that funny girls have better sex. And that we retained something from reasoning class, after all.

Scanner Bryan grew some facial hair and raised money for kids.

We got to know our neighbors a little better.

Jessica Simpson came back into our lives. If only for a little while. Twice, actually.

Whether you hated it or loved it, we hope you found the Nerve Holiday Gift Guide helpful.

Lows:

Oh Jamie Lynn, Jamie Lynn, Jamie Lynn.

Someone thinks we should be killing people, but we prefer to stick to inanimate objects, food, modes of transportation, and the like.

Censorship.

We got bored, and turned ourselves into dancing elves. (And rhymed again).

Jessica Simpson Ready to Go Nude To Save Nonexistent Movie Career?

Bryan Christian — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:49:00 GMT

Guess it's Jessica Simpson day here at Scanner. First her boyfriend's dealing with some performance issues, and now it seems like she is too. word is she's willing to do nude in a movie, even though she passed on playing a pornstar at some point in the past (the rumored Jenna Jameson biopic maybe?).

A source said, "Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting.

"The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry's respect that she's ready to go against her better judgement, and her family, by agreeing to bare all.

Desperate? What's that all about? Um... maybe the part where Jessica's latest film, the romantic comedy Blonde Ambition co-starring Luke Wilson and Rachel Leigh-Cook, has been deemed unsuitable for theatrical release by its makers (including daddy Joe Simpson) and will be going straight-to-video with so little promotion that they Photoshopped some outtakes from an album cover shoot to do the promo material (as seen up top).

Anyone here excited at the prospect of a naked Jessica Simpson? We can't really get worked up over it ourselves, unless we're guaranteed that the movie that she takes it off for is at least as preposterous and deliciously unwatchable as, say, Madonna's Body of Evidence. We'd see that opening night.