Scanner : Los Angeles

Manny Ramirez Takes Performance Enhancing Drugs...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 21:35:00 GMT

...the other kind.

LA Dodger superslugger Manny Ramirez has been banned from playing in the team's next 50 Major League Baseball games after he was found to have ingested a legal substance under the advice of his doctor. The drug? We'll give you one guess as to what it's for...

Ramirez released the following statement Thursday morning: “Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.

A Major League baseball official said that if Ramirez had a legitimate need for a drug on the banned list, he could have applied for a therapeutic exemption. Ramirez, the official said, did not ask for one.

Have you figured out what dumbass, who is expected to lose out on something insane like $7-8 million dollars for this error in judgment, took to help himself out?

...two sources said the substance Ramirez tested positive for was a gonadotropin. Major League baseball’s list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, and low testosterone can cause erectile dysfunction.

“Testosterone and similar drugs are effective for erectile dysfunction in that they jazz up your sex drive,” said Charles Yesalis, a professor at Penn State who has testified before Congress on issues of performance-enhancing drugs. “But far more clinicians accept that affect with Viagra and Cialis. It’s hard for me to understand if it was erectile dysfunction why they would use it.”

So, let me get this straight: Viagra and Cialis are not banned by the MLB, so he used a substance that was? Dude, it wasn't worth it for the extra testosterone-- blood flow from ED drugs would've been a wiser move. Too late now.

Via Yahoo! Sports.

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PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

Back in February, we advised you to vote for PETA's Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door 2009. There were loads of hot men and women in the running, many of them pictured in their underwear with bulges or major cleavage-- but thankfully, never both.

The ~~People Eating Tasty Animals~~ People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals have finally announced the winners and they're not who we expected...

As you may recall, we nominated the following gals: Alexia from New York City; Amy from Port Angeles, WA; Brooke from Ogden, UT; Giselle from Miami, FL; and Sunny from North Hollywood, CA.

Sadly, our advice was ignored and the winner is...

There's nothing wrong with Amber-- nothing wrong, that is, unless you're disappointed that PETA, supposedly secretly a feminist hive, prefers blondes. How original. (Okay, really, we were just rooting for Sunny to take the top prize...)

Amber, a [Minnetonka] Minnesota native, decided to go vegetarian after reading the book Skinny Bitch and doing research on making the switch, and she's thrilled with the results! In addition to feeling stronger both mentally and physically, she loves knowing that her carbon footprint is smaller, thanks to her vegetarian diet. Amber is the very proud guardian of several rescued animal companions, and she spends time volunteering for the Minnesota Boxer Rescue. She even lets her love for animals carry over into her work as a photographer. Check out the cute companion animal gallery on her Web site to see for yourself! Amber's major turn-ons are confidence, bad boys who have a heart for animals, tattoos, and creativity.

By the way, the winner for the Sexiest Male Vegetarian Next Door is... Monty.

Monty, 33, [of Los Angeles, CA] initially switched to a vegetarian diet for health reasons, but after he learned how factory farming affects animals and the environment, his convictions were reinforced, and he recently went vegan! Monty owns a visual-arts firm, and his photos capture the essence of a wide variety of timely issues, including President Barack Obama's presidential campaign. Monty shares his home with Zeus, a Chihuahua he took in after he found him wandering on Hollywood Boulevard. Monty considers analytical minds and compassionate hearts to be turn-ons and is turned off by people who aren't open-minded. He loves to travel and will soon retrace the steps of the man who discovered the North Pole.

Both win separate trips for two to Hawaii. One has to wonder what all the Hawaiians in the running were in it for...

Via PETA.

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Playboy's Famous Naked Female Cop Resurfaces

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Carol Shaya made the cover of Playboy in August of '94, back when we still drooled over the magazine... back before we signed up for America Online and found an internet full of nudity. For about two weeks that summer, Shaya was our teenage crush-- back then we still fell in love with the women we lusted after, instead of keeping them (sadly) separate.

We remember reading with little surprise-- even in those days-- that the NYPD had fired her for appearing in the magazine, which apparently made her realize it hadn't been worth it.

Shaya hasn't really been heard from since. As far as anyone knew, she had gone into some small town modeling or a security job in Butte and simply vanished. Then TMZ found her yesterday in Los Angeles and new and interesting details about her life emerged very quickly:

Shaya is a lesbian. Which is not news, of course, but this is: she was attacked and nearly strangled by her ex-girlfriend, whom she had just broken up with. The ex-po-lice claims Jessica Phillips grabbed her by the throat and slammed her against the refrigerator in an incident in March. Shaya also says Phillips assaulted her mom and practically tossed the poor woman out of their shared California home to prevent her from staying with the couple. Either this is the worst mother-in-law ever or Phillips is-- no, clearly Phillips is just from Crazyland.

Unfortunately, all this forced Shaya to return to the spotlight. As soon as her name popped up in court papers, the tabloids were all over the still-young woman. We've decided not to show you her nude photos either... although they can be Googled if you're crafty. We wish her the peace she so clearly needs. From Wikipedia:

At first reports of the appearance, the New York City Police Department attempted to ignore the incident, but then gradually took escalating measures. In July 1994, Shaya was reassigned to a desk job at the Bronx Borough Command, not as a disciplinary action, but due to other female officers in her precinct complaining about verbal harassment from residents, who were asking about Officer Shaya's location and comparing them to her. On October 28, the NYPD filed departmental charges against Shaya, for unauthorized off-duty employment and improper use of her uniform and the Police Department logo. A police panel recommended a month's suspension, but the final decision was left to the New York City Police Commissioner. On March 7, 1995, Commissioner William J. Bratton dismissed Shaya, now using her married name Shaya-Castro, from the New York City police department. Bratton ruled that Shaya-Castro's appearance in Playboy violated the City Charter and the department's rules, so she was unfit to be a police officer. He also cited her record, which included only three arrests in four years.

Via TMZ.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Harry Potter Murder Case Ends

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

If any of our L.A. readers are going to see Kirk Douglas live on stage, consider yourselves very, very lucky... and envied.

The days of rock feuds have returned: Win Butler of Arcade Fire vs. Wayne Coyne of Flaming Lips.

Seems William H. Macy has always been babysitting Jeremy Piven.

If two Mexican drug cartels could set aside their differences, they could put a combined 100,000 henchmen to work against the United States... or take over the Mexican government, easy.

Horton Foote died at the age of 92. The Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright scripted the film of To Kill A Mockingbird.

Reader Art J. alerted us to the trial of a twin brothers accused of attempting to have sex with a corpse that looked hot in a newspaper photo.

A man was convicted of killing another man who appears in the next Harry Potter film.

Call us crazy but this looks like harmless fun to us.

And Robin Williams is in intensive care after complaining of shortness of breath. Gawker notes that his "older brother died two years ago from heart surgery complications..."

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John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:20:00 GMT

Mike Walker's National Enquirer column reported on a visit made by Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer to L.A.'s Pleasure Chest sex toy shoppe, where supposedly they made some purchases and did a little play-acting. Like Jen's movies and John's music, it sounds about as middle-of-the-road as can be, so maybe this bit of celebrity gossip, attributed to unnamed "spies," is true.

"Jennifer Aniston sashayed into The Pleasure Chest, Hollywood’s elegant sex shop, with hunky Young Stuff John Mayer in tow - and it looked like sparks were flying, romance-wise. As Jen smiled demurely at intriguing items offered by the naughty fun emporium, say My Spies, John fanned the flames by selecting: A bedside lock-box containing a copy of the Kama Sutra; handcuffs; a G-string with matching candy bra; and a “Dare Me” coupon book. As the love stud headed to the checkout counter, Jennifer slipped outside for a quick puff - then stepped back in, sidled up to John like he was a total stranger, and purred huskily: 'Do you shop here often?'…. Not missing a beat, the crooner crooned: 'No, but I’ve noticed a lot of beautiful women shop here.'… Totally into the role-play, he asked Beautiful Stranger: 'What are your plans for the day?' Smiling sweetly, she replied: 'I’m going to a children’s party.' He grinned. 'I’m great with kids.' Then, playing it brilliantly, he asked to carry her bags! The star-crossed strangers left the store together."

On second thought, the play-acting might be more comparable to John's comedy moonlighting career.

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via CeleBitchy

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:17:00 GMT

Now we officially want to punch the economy in the vagina (sorry, the vulva). Beloved Chicago label Touch and Go Records is shutting down distribution. [Pitchfork]

Even Madonna is co-opting vampire culture. Apparently she wants a role in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. [AfterEllen]

Taylor Swift would like you to not picture her naked. And we would like you to not think about a neon-green dildo. [Us]

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We were unaware they were dating. [People]

All you men who don't understand why average women are so insecure about our looks: even Dita Von Teese has self-esteem issues. Thank you, society. (It should be noted that moments before we saw this item we were thinking about how terribly beady our eyes looked without eye make-up). [FadedYouth]

Roman Polanski is not off the hook yet. A judge in Los Angeles refused to dismiss the 31-year-old sex case against the director because he's a fugitive. This, Mr. Polanski, is what you get for running away from your problems. But, the judge said he might reconsider if Runaway Roman returns to the US. We suspect this might be a trick. [Yahoo!]

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, has lost her publicist. The Killeen Furtney Group was representing Suleman for free, but decided to quit after receiving death threats via email and voicemail. [Snafu-ed]

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Burlesque Star Wants To Spice Up Your Valentine's Day

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:46:00 GMT

Unfortunately, she did not offer to come to our house for a champagne-soaked threesome, but burlesque babe Ava Garter (yuk yuk yuk) proposed the next best thing: some fashion tips to rock your Valentine's Day this year.

For a change, they're actually quite good. Usually, the best V-Day advice is something akin to "stay in, get liquored up, dim the lights, break out the massage oil, and get down to business." But as she tells the Los Angeles Times, Garter has better ideas for this Saturday night.

Here are our favorite excerpts from the interview:

[On wearing that black dress you have hidden away:] A black dress should have a back or side zipper; you wouldn't want to get into a seduction scene and tug it over your head.

It's always very sexy to go with a pretty black bra, black garter belt, black panties with a bow and a nude sheer stocking. Black is slimming, and a nude stocking makes your legs look much longer.

For the bedroom, you can use a pair of black gloves as a tool for seduction that's very cheap -- remove them very slowly, one at a time, and take as long as you like.

If you're having dinner with your boyfriend or husband for Valentine's Day, touch up your lipstick very slowly in front of him and let him watch. Eyelashes are a fetish for me.
Pasta is inexpensive, easy and really romantic [for a perfect night in.]
One of the best gifts you can give a man is the gift of you, sharing time together and letting him off the hook for buying you something--

All right, that's enough. Don't get all sappy on us, Ava...

More with Ava Garter via the LA Times.

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Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

You would think it couldn't get any weirder than an arrest photo, taken by the accused drunk helicopter pilot, in which he and the arresting officer mug for the camera with a bottle of vodka and the arresting officer's shirt slightly undone...

...oh... but it does...

Here's a photo montage TMZ released showing old hijinks of the guy busted for drunkenly piloting a helicopter carrying drummer Tommy Lee:

You'll not in the bottom right enhancement (no pun intended) that the gauge notes he is speeding at 60 knots... or 69 miles an hour (no pun intended, we swear.) In an interview with TMZ, the pilot, David Martz, claims he was 300-400 feet in the air when these boob-grab pics were snapped. He's been cited by the FAA on at least one occasion and has a host of other blemishes on his record.

So, how is this douche allowed to pilot a helicopter in suburban areas, where he is lucky to not have killed multiple already?

Charm. Look at how the cop in that photo is amused by his antics... how the woman is gleefully allowing him to photograph her boobs for internet glory. (How lucky she is that TMZ censored her nipple-- we would have broadcast the photos around the world, in all their NSFW glory, had we only figured out how.)

Via TMZ.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie is doing well overseas-- hey, he has a career after all...

Judah Friedlander weighed in on the Super Bowl... before the game.

Barack Obama's brother was released from jail following a pot posession charge.

The latest victims in the newspaper crash: LA Times staffers.

The latest victims of Sarah Palin's constant white lies: Republicans.

Lisa Loeb is no longer a "#1 single."

This dumbass thinks someone will buy his 867-5309 number on ebay after telling the New York Times it gets hounded with prank calls.

The Transformers sequel had its trailer premiere during the Super Bowl.

Jennifer Hudson returned to the public eye for a dynamite performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

Michael Phelps was busted by photographer and eyewitnesses getting stoned via "a marijuana pipe" at a South Carolina college party.

And we finally found someone with a more bizarre life(style) than Britney Spears: her ex, the guy she just slapped with a restraining order, Adnan Ghalib.

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Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 17:55:00 GMT

Chloe Sevigny, who, we can attest from our one public encounter with her, has the best gams in town, talked with Esquire about blow jobs, Vincent Gallo, aroused casting directors, movie sex scenes, and why it's annoying when people say she looks better in person...

Here are our favorite moments, which unlike the original story, is annotated with links that help explain what she's talking about:

Harry Dean Stanton is very profound--everything that comes out of his mouth. There's so much weight to that guy. He always knows all his lines, always prepared. True, he might come straight from the bar, but he's got it together.
I'm ambitious, but I'm not ambitious enough to move to Los Angeles.
Stones over Beatles.

Then what I get a lot, too, which I think is really odd, is, "You're so much prettier in person." All the time. They think that makes me feel good?
I always found it distracting to be watching a movie and there was a love scene and the girl had her bra on.
I saw it in Cannes with everybody else. Vincent [Gallo] and I, we don't really speak anymore. But I'll always love him, and I hope that he makes another movie that's a million times better than Buffalo '66 or The Brown Bunny and blows everybody out of the water. And he will, if he can ever get the money for it.
Maybe we went too far.

She's referring, of course, to the infamous, epic on-screen blow job she gave Gallo in Gallo's movie The Brown Bunny, one of the most critically despised films ever released. Read more about that here.

I had an agent once who said that in an audition you have to make the women want to be you and the men want to fuck you. I said, I'm sorry, I can't just go into a room and, like, try to achieve that. That's not my motivation in life.

The rest of her quotes are here.

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The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 18:27:00 GMT

Ken Starr serves as a shining example for all those who believe lawyers deserve their own special circle of hell: he's arrogant, blows through cash like a 93-year-old lottery winner, has no sense of justice or fairness, and is utterly oblivious to his own hypocrisy.

Take for example his latest endeavor: he currently finds himself at the center of the gay marriage battle in California, a closeted homosexual (you heard it here first!) "defending" marriage from people who actually want to have it. This guy's hypocrisy never ceases to amaze us...

From the Los Angeles Times:

Kenneth W. Starr, the former U.S. Solicitor General who led the inquiry into President Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica L. Lewinsky, will argue the case in favor of upholding a ban on gay marriage before the California Supreme Court.

Starr was today named lead counsel for the official proponents of Proposition 8. This afternoon, the group filed court briefs defending the legality of the proposition, which was approved by 52% of California voters last month throwing into question thousands of marriages performed during the five months the practice was legal in the state.
Opponents of the proposition argued that it amounted to a constitutional revision instead of a more limited amendment.

There out to be some equivalent of the "asshole tax" for guys like Ken Starr: only it should be for not knowing their history. In other words, people like Starr, who are constantly on the wrong side of history, humanity, and the Bill of Rights should be fined every time they stick their noses in everything. (Of course, that would be unconstitutional, but Starr doesn't even know what that means, so fuck him.)

Let's just make sure this is Kenny's Last Hurrah, and send him, Rick Warren, Rush Limbaugh, to whichever circle of imaginary hell they are most afraid of ending up in...

Read more at the LA Times.

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Filmmaker Skips the Glass Eye, Goes Straight for the Webcam

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 22:01:00 GMT

This is by far the creepiest, and coolest, thing we've heard of in a long time. Rob Spence, a filmmaker, has one prosthetic eye. But instead of some fake eye, he'd rather have a web cam put in that socket.

He's already apparently "sought consultation from the University of Toronto's Steve Mann, a self-proclaimed expert in the field of wearable computing and cyborgs."

Eyeborg!

And he's not the only one.

Tanya Vlach, an artist who lost her eye in a 2005 car accident would also like a web cam for an eye.

We have so many questions. Like, would they have to have some kind of wireless card permanently implanted? And would they ever turn it off? What about when they have diarrhea? Or when they're having sex with someone who would rather not be broadcast to the world? What if they had sex with each other?? Would he be allowed in the locker room at the gym?

Either way, this will be so much more fun than coming home drunk and looking at Craigslist. Do it, do it!

[Engadget: Filmmaker hopes to replace false eye with webcam, become a superhero]

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Top 5 Chase Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:12:00 GMT

While we were working on today's story about the car chase that ended in a car crash involving another, unrelated stolen car, we started thinking about the favorite argument of many a film buff: what is the greatest chase scene of all-time? Bullit? The French Connection? Toy Story?

Here are our five favorites, with enough pedal to the metal to kick your five-day week into high gear...

5. The Road Warrior. No action movie since this film's release in 1982 has come close to its quality. One of the reasons for this is the chase scene, which you only need to see once to remember in such detail. (Warning: this is gritty stuff.)

4. Bullit. Usually, this is ranked as the #1 movie chase scene, although we couldn't get past the fact that the film surrounding this sequence is plodding and uninvolving. But hey, there's a reason every action film set in the Bay Area since the 60s has stolen from this. (That means you, The Rock.) By the way, check out that dude's driving gloves! And hey, is that Goldfinger riding shotgun?

3. The French Connection. A crazed French assassin tries to escape the clutches of Mean Gene Hackman-- but the Frenchman has underestimated Hackman's insane desire to catch him. This is the formula for this chase scene from the 1971 William Friedkin film (he also directed our #1 pick), which many people believe was a basically unplanned sequence. Watching it again so many years later, it's hard to imagine this was staged, even by a crazy auteur like Friedkin-- we doubt a stunt driver would have agreed to plow through pedestrians like this without some kind of safeguards in place.

2. Mad Max - the opening ten minutes of this movie made Mel Gibson a star. Watch them now, complete with one of the best and longest police chases outside of the Los Angeles Metropolitan area...

1. To Live and Die in L.A. When we think of chases, we think of near-misses, lots of lane changes and side streets, huge pileups... and going the wrong way on the freeway. Uh oh.

Other greats include: Ronin, every scene of Vanishing Point and Two-Lane Blacktop, and The Getaway, also with Steve McQueen. Add yours in the comments...

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Sloppy Seconds: The Body Found Outside of Paula Abdul's Home

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 22:05:00 GMT

American Apparel is back in this news, this time because an employee was fired after he refused to inflate figured on the company's balance sheet. [WSJ]

With the economy sucking your bank account dry, would you consider "donating" an egg for $8,000? [The Frisky]

Say what you will about those naughty Miley Cyrus pictures for Vanity Fair; Annie Leibovitz doesn't give a fuuuck. [Jezebel]

Us Weekly seems to be a little uncomfortable dealing with the fact that Lindsay Lohan called Barack Obama "colored." [Us]

The body of a suspected stalker was found dead in her car outside of Paula Abdul's Los Angeles home. [People]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: The Craigslist Crackdown on Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 21:53:00 GMT

The awesome sounding Ghostbusters game, featuring the original cast and creators, will be out in 2009, thanks to Atari, who rescued the franchise.

A heartbreaking post from a lesbian mom in California is here. Madonna, meanwhile, attacked Prop 8 in an LA concert and had Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake perform live with her, albeit at separate times.

A male major in the Japanese air force was busted for shopping for women's underwear... while naked.

Kanye West broke his media silence to give an interview in Singapore about what the Beatles mean to him.

Race was not a factor in the election in West Virginia. Take that, Bill Clinton!

Samantha Who star Christina Applegate will undergo reconstructive surgery following her double mastectomy.

Michelle Monaghan gave birth to a wee lil' gal.

And Craigslist will no charge $10 per erotic service ad, in an apparent attempt to crush the human trafficking that's been going on there.

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What Do You Do When a Black Man is Elected President?

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:48:00 GMT

Why, you smoke weed and make babies.

While we hope this L.A. Fox affiliate newscaster wasn't trying to make any racial assumptions (because, let's be honest, if we weren't sitting in a bar in Kanas City with just our family and a few stragglers, we might have smoked it up and had some fun, too), this short clip almost makes it seem that way.

Contex, people!

Oh, and we'd like to clarify that if we'd had any weed we would have smoked it, even though we were in a bar, in Kansas City, with our family.

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While You Were Sleeping: Will Smith's Milestone

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Poor Natalie Portman. She moved from New York to LA to be with Devendra Banhart, only to see the relationship fall apart.

Check out the full clip of John McCain turning Letterman down yesterday to "rush back to Washington"... and ending up on another CBS show.

We thought about not telling you about this one...

A man who woke up from a circumcision procedure to discover his penis had been cut off is suing doctors.
Philip Seaton went to be circumcised at a hospital in Louisville, Kentucky last October, but awoke to find his penis had been amputated.
He also said he has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit.

Some of our readers don't enjoy the comedy of Wanda Sykes. They obviously didn't see her on Leno the other night.

Philadelphia exploded a suspicious package... of hot dogs.

The serial killer who bumped off approximately 23 people, many of them gay men, in the parishes of southern Louisiana was sentenced to eight consecutive life terms.

Can you believe that Will Smith turns 40 today?

And Jenna Jameson is pregnant with twins. And no, the father is not some random co-star, okay?

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While You Were Sleeping: Clay Aiken Shocker

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:27:00 GMT

The other night, an NBC affiliate in Los Angeles interrupted Conan to run a story about a John McCain speech.

Speaking of the McCain campaign, turns out they lied in a press release over the weekend saying campaign manager/lobbyist Rick Davis was no longer connected to Freddie Mac and hadn't been for several years. Turns out he was receiving $15,000 a month from them up until their recent collapse.

Clay Aiken finally came out of the closet:

Following the Aug. 8 birth of his son Parker, singer Clay Aiken is following through on a promise he made to himself as a new dad: to publicly acknowledge that he's gay.

"It was the first decision I made as a father," Aiken, 29, tells the upcoming issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday. "I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things. I wasn't raised that way, and I'm not going to raise a child to do that."

Lindsay Lohan confirmed that she's in a long-term relationship with Samantha Ronson. She also, it seems to us, says "shit" live on air.

Don't cry for Dennis Quaid-- Meg Ryan wasn't the only one unfaithful in that relationship.

This video should provide your morning jolt. And no, we don't know who dealt it:

Via With Leather

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Dolly Parton for Vice President!

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:27:00 GMT

You know, if we're going to elect a bubbly woman with big hair and an even bigger personality to the While House, shouldn't it be a woman we love and respect, like Dolly Parton? In fact, shouldn't it just be Dolly Parton? Can we forget all of this white man vs. black man vs. white haired man vs. woman business and just elect someone that everybody in the entire world loves?

No?

Well, can we at least rent an RV and go to Dollywood after we see the musical adaptation of 9 to 5 (one of the best movies ever) on Broadway? Because we have a feeling we're going to be pretty bummed in a few months, and we're going to need somone like Dolly to cheer us up.

Almost 30 years after starring in the movie "9 to 5" and writing its hit theme song, country star Dolly Parton's first stage musical gets its world premiere in Los Angeles on Saturday before heading for Broadway.

Parton, 62, wrote 17 new songs for "9 to 5: The Musical" -- a comedy set in 1979 about three female office workers who turn the tables on their sexist, male boss.

Despite having 26 hit singles and writing the classic "I Will Always Love You", "9 to 5: The Musical" is Parton's first stab at writing lyrics and music for a full stage musical.

"I found it more enjoyable than I thought. You have more freedom than when you write a song ... usually it's a couple of verses and chorus and a bridge and you have to keep it down to about three minutes in order to get radio play," Parton told Reuters on Thursday.
"I just wrote until I said what I felt the character should say. I was very pleased it came out as good as it did because I wasn't sure if I could even do it," she said.

Have we died and gone to musical theater heaven?

Count us in. We will do whatever it takes to get close to this show, even if it means working as a bathroom attendant.

[Reuters: Dolly Parton reworks "9 to 5" for first musical]

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And Your Little Dog, Too: Attack on Paris Hilton's Pups?

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 14:26:00 GMT

Two of Paris Hilton's dogs were supposedly killed, and it wasn't even her fault.

Unless, of course, you consider trying (or not trying) to keep track of 17 little dogs while you're busy partying being "at fault."

According to one report, two of Paris' many, many, many cherished pups were killed by coyotes earlier this week. Some say this is an all-too-often occurrence in LA where wildlife wanders onto the properties of people with.... 17 tiny dogs running around?

Conflicting reports say that all 17 of Paris' pups are just fine.

[NYDN via Jossip]

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Which City Has The Most Beautiful People, According To This Very Scientific Survey?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:05:00 GMT

It's not LA... it's not New York... and it's certainly not Philadelphia, which always comes in 25th in these surveys...

Which American city has the most of what Americans consider "beautiful people?"

According to an online poll by Travel + Leisure, it's

If you live in Miami, consider yourself among the most attractive people in the United States.
The Sunshine State's metropolis has the most beautiful people, according to an online survey of "America's Favorite Cities" by Travel + Leisure magazine, while Philadelphia came in last at No. 25.

"I'm not surprised at all, but I'm not in that group" joked Bill Talbert, president of the Greater Miami Convention and Visitors Bureau, about the city's attractive people rating. [Yahoo!]

We think Bill's being unnecessarily hard on himself. After all, from what we remember of Miami, it was lots of laughable thug types and bimbos who looked like they'd recently been ejected from a Black Eyed Peas audition, plus way, way too many fake tans and bodies overexposed to the sun. But hey, maybe that's your thing... we'll stick to the runners up cities...

1 4.45 Miami

2 4.42 San Diego

3 4.38 Austin

4 4.28 Charleston

5
4.26 Honolulu

6 4.20 Los Angeles

7 4.20 San Francisco

8 4.16 Minneapolis/St. Paul

9 4.15 New York

10 4.14 Denver

What do you think? And by the way, we were only busting your chops, Miami... judging by the above photo, the gene pool is improving...

Via Travel & Leisure.

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Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:38:00 GMT

Who is this Sex Pistols reject and why is he allowed to peer down Lindsay Lohan's cleavage?

Love her or hate her, Lindsay Lohan still has the best boobs in Hollywood, or at least the best cleavage. And as you can see, Lindsay's 15-year-old boyfriend, Sam Ronson thinks so too. Now that's one lucky kid. Could you imagine still being in High School, and getting to date Lindsay Lohan? I think it's every young boy's dream.

Har har. The real story is that Lindsay and Samantha Ronson (who is actually a 31-year-old female DJ from Los Angeles, despite these cheap jokes) were in Bryant Park for Fashion Week, where news reports of an impending marriage have them avoiding the press. More importantly, there are the beginnings of lesbian baby reports:

British newspaper The News of The World claims the Mean Girls actress has approached one of her former boyfriends to help with the conception. A source close to Lindsay tells the paper, "Lindsay is in a very happy place at the moment. She's been having deep discussions about a baby.
"She wants a natural birth and has spoken to Sam about getting one of her ex-boyfriend's to help out. They don't want to adopt." [News.au.com]

Disappointingly, this "source" (of bullshit) doesn't know or won't say who the ex is. But whoever it is, they are sure to say yes... they'll say yes to anything while lost in Lindsay's #1 boobs...

Top photo via Egotastic.

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Bowling For Boobies: Where Was Our Invite, People?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:08:00 GMT

Luckily, LAist was at Sunday's Bare Bowling event in the San Fernando Valley to snap these photos, which tell a bizarre and, well, heartwarming story of charity, boobs, balls, bowling balls, boobs, and boobs...

We're not sure if there was any actual bowling going on during this event, although who cares about gutterballs when you have gigantic breasts and porn stars cavorting for... um... a shitload of creepy middle aged fat dudes with cameras.

Anyway, according to the original story:

With minimal promotion, and individual bowlers paying $40 or a team of five bowlers paying $150, all 24 lanes of the bowling alley were filled with fans and people from the adult industry knocking down the pins for a good cause.

Damn, guess there was some serious bowling after all...

Via LAist.

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The Next Big Star: Marisol Nichols

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:26:00 GMT

Thanks to this nude scene in the upcoming movie, Felon, 24 star Marisol Nichols is expected to make the big time...

We just have one problem with her... and it's kind of a dealbreaker for us...

According to boner-killing Wikipedia:

At age 12 she started using alcohol and drugs but has been sober since she was 17. In an interview with AskMen.com, Nichols stated "I remember being 17 and looking around at some of the people that I was hanging out with, and I had this realization that if I didn’t knock this off now it would become my life."

Nichols, a Scientologist, is an active advocate of Criminon and the Citizens Commission on Human Rights. She became a member of Church of Scientology when she was introduced to it by her chiropractor. She currently resides in Los Angeles, California.

Marisol married Taron Lexton in 2008.

Will you forgive her her (fatal) flaw?

Photo via the new Val Kilmer movie, Felon, opening sometime this century. Nichols, meanwhile, is having a baby sometime next month...

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While You Were Sleeping: The Madonna-Guy Ritchie Separation

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:43:00 GMT

A teacher in Tennessee was fired by her school board, even after charges of child molestation were proven false, while a teacher in Georgia was arrested for stalking his underage girlfriend/ex-student by text.

Oh, and one more: a 26-year-old teacher in South Carolina was arrested for getting her students drunk after hours.

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Robert Downey, Jr. Not Taking Any S*** From You

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 18:41:00 GMT

A local radio DJ in L.A. is causing quite a stir (albeit a hilarious one) with a newly-released tape of him grilling Robert Downey, Jr. with probing questions on a press junket for Tropic Thunder.

However, it's Downey who emerges unscathed, with his trademark wry humor and quick-thinking responses. He never loses his cool and covers his ass at every turn...

Click this link to listen... here's a partial rundown:

1) DJ asks who Downey would rather have a brew with and smoke a blunt with, Jack Black or Ben Stiller?

2) If, he goes on, Downey could have a love scene in a movie with Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Paris Hilton, who would he choose?

3) Which actor would RDJ want to get him out of Vietnam should he have been stuck there during the war?

4) Are gas prices affecting the movie star?

5) Apparently, some other guy gets in on it and asks: Who's a hot black chick in Hollywood right now?

6) What's the one Robert Downey, Jr. movie he would show off to a people at his house?

Listen to find out his answers.

Via Hollywood Outbreak.

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Sloppy Seconds: The Truth About The "Abusive" Paul McCartney

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 20:51:00 GMT

An earthquake this morning registered 5.4 on the Andy Richter scale and was felt from LA to Vegas and down to Mexico. There were no reported injuries as of post time.

Although he's charged with a DUI, Shia LaBeouf was not at fault for the car crash that flipped his truck. The other driver has been ticketed for running a red light...

PageSix claims Marc Jacobs has wed in Paris... and if you didn't know, he married...

his Brazilian boyfriend in a civil ceremony... which is not legally binding.

Other sources speculate that this is just a decoy move while Jacobs gets married elsewhere, away from the prying press...

Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron are to appear on a breast cancer telethon the night of September 5th.

We couldn't imagine Paul McCartney ever hitting anyone-- shit, could you imagine the guy who wrote "Yesterday" and "Maybe I'm Amazed" getting medieval on anyone? Now, Heather Mills' ex-publicist is speaking out and basically confirming what we suspected all along: the evidence of McCartney abusing his ex-wife was completely fabricated to help the wife's case.

We're pretty sure it's a fake of... something... but WTF is this photo Gawker posted?

You can download the Walkmen's excellent new album for $5, with all of the proceeds going to the cause of one hospitalized baby. The music revolution, indeed.

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The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

John Edwards, two-time Presidential candidate and John Kerry's Vice-Presidential pick in 2004, has been dogging a sex scandal for months, since December 2007, in fact. Now, as polls continue to show the former Senator as the most effective running mate for Obama (in terms of which states he helps pick up), his chances at a second nomination for VP is in serious jeopardy following these latest allegations...

According to the National Enquirer-- wait, stop. This is a serious story, being picked up by mainstream media, that comes from the National Enquirer? Well, it's not exactly trustworthy until you find out they're claiming they did their own reporting on this, following Edwards around and even attempting to corner him in a bathroom for a photo.

A team of ENQUIRER reporters caught the married ex-senator visiting his mistress and secret love child late Monday night at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles hotel.

...Edwards got out of the passenger side, walked around the front of the car and went in a side entrance near the swimming pool. [A friend of both Edwards and his alleged mistress rented two rooms and, the Enquirer claims, stayed in one of the rooms alone so the couple could spend time alone.]
Edwards' advisers are "spitting mad and furious" that his late-night escapades have made international headlines because it could derail his chances of becoming Barack Obama's running mate. Edwards has not explained his whereabouts to any members of other news media outlets who have been trying to follow up on the story.

His mistress, blonde divorcee Rielle, meanwhile... is "in despair" that Edwards might cut off contact with her because their latest rendezvous has been exposed in the media.

You may recall that this story came and went during the run-up to the Iowa caucuses. First, the love child allegations surfaced; soon after, they were "buried" when a close (married) friend of Edwards' came forward to say, "Hey, wait a minute. It was actually me." The story quickly vanished from even the conservative blogosphere, although no one seemed to believe it. We all acted like the detective does when a death row inmate takes a rap for somebody else-- he may have his suspicions but he's happy just to close the case and move on.

Word on the blogs is that, by the time you're reading this, most major media will cover it-- at least with reservations similar to the ones we voiced in the second paragraph of this post. We'll have more later on...

Via the National Enquirer.

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How Senator Schumer Caused The Second Largest Bank Failure In US History

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 18:10:00 GMT

If you had money in IndyMac, a Pasadena, CA-based bank that collapsed over the weekend, there's good news and bad news. Bad news is: it's gone, baby, gone. Good news: Your tax dollars, in the form of $4 to $8 billion, will take care of that little problem.

IndyMac's doom had been long in coming: the stock price was tanking, lately seen below the $1 mark, and investors were yanking more than a hundred million a day from the company, which had gotten carried away with the handing out of mortgages during the housing boom. But it was the work of one man, with one stroke of his pen, that ended up finishing the company off... and costing all some pretty pennies...

IndyMac, which once employed 10,000, fell prey to a classic run on the bank, and regulators singled out Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.) as having helped to fuel massive withdrawals. On June 26, Schumer said in letters to the FDIC, the OTS and two other federal agencies that IndyMac might have "serious problems" with its loan holdings.

"I am concerned that IndyMac's financial deterioration poses significant risks to both taxpayers and borrowers," he wrote. The bank "could face a failure if prescriptive measures are not taken quickly."

That public warning prompted depositors to pull $1.3 billion out of accounts between June 27 and Thursday.

"This institution failed today due to a liquidity crisis," John M. Reich, director of the OTS, said at a news conference Friday afternoon. "Although this institution was already in distress, the deposit run pushed IndyMac over the edge."

Schumer said in a statement that the cause of IndyMac's failure was "poor and loose lending practices" that should have been prevented by more active regulation. Later, a Schumer spokesman said: "Mr. Reich, a political appointee, should be spending less time playing politics and more time doing his job."

Later in the statement, Schumer said: "I have no problem playing poltiics with enough money to feed every starving child in this country, or maybe about half of the fat people in Tennessee. Now just try and defeat me in an electoral contest!"

But he may have been misquoted. IndyMac's failure is the largest since 1984. You can read more about this sotry at the LA Times website.

Judge In Trouble For Bestiality Photos, Lingerie Parties

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A judge in Los Angeles, due to hear a major obscenity trial, is in hot water after the contents of his website became public... although no one yet knows how they did...

1) Alex Kozinski is the chief Judge of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. In 1996, he had a diary that was recently published, in the wake of the current scandal, on Slate. There isn't much here that he would have to recuse himself over-- unless you consider a lingerie (and pajama) party "obscenity." Looking at the above picture, we're not sure how we feel, mainly because of said party's obvious IQ average.

2) He was about to preside over what will surely become a landmark free speech case.

For jurors to determine whether [Ira] Isaacs' work is obscene, they will view hours of hard-core pornography so degrading that in one film, an actress cries throughout, prosecutors said in court papers.

But if jurors find that any of the four videos at issue in the case have any "literary, scientific or artistic value," the work is not legally obscene, according to a 1973 Supreme Court ruling.

"All they're going to do is turn on a DVD machine and hope the jury is going to be so shocked and disgusted and offended that they're going to throw me in prison," said Isaacs, 57, a native of the Bronx. He said he hopes that jurors will be shocked -- he's a self-described "shock artist" -- but also that they will see artistic value in the work. [LA Times]

3) Kozinski's site, which is now down for good, "included a photo of naked women on all fours painted to look like cows and a video of a half-dressed man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal. Some of the material was inappropriate, he conceded, although he defended other sexually explicit content as 'funny.'"

4) The trial was suspended today following the public outcry. He may be removed from the case, although hopefully not.

5) He would've seen this case for what it was-- a disgrace to the Bill of Rights/First Amendment. Lenny Bruce will have died in vain. Henry Miller would have written all those books for nothing. And Bill Burroughs would return from the dead and shoot everyone in a William Tell Trick gone wrong.

To be continued...

Via the LA Times.

1	4.45	Miami
2	4.42	San Diego
3	4.38	Austin
4	4.28	Charleston
5	4.26	Honolulu
6	4.20	Los Angeles
7	4.20	San Francisco
8	4.16	Minneapolis/St. Paul
9	4.15	New York
10	4.14	Denver