Scanner : McDonald's

Today in Sh*tty Emails from Publicists Who Don't Read Scanner: Diet Cookies

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:45:00 GMT

If there's one thing we hate more than publicists sending emails to our personal addresses, it's publicists sending emails about celebrity diets to said email addresses.

Today's offender is Danielle Mayer from the repeat-offending firm 5WPR. The subject line: "Story Idea: American Idol Stars Drop the Pounds by Eating Cookies!"

Anyone who actually reads this blog knows that while we do love cookies, we don't give a fuck about American Idol and the only pounds we like to drop are on a Big Mac when we visit London. And the worst part? She didn't even offer us any damn cookies!

Hi Emily,

The newest item to hit the celeb “weight loss” airways is Dr. ******’s C**KIE DIET. Recently seen all over the news, many celebs such as American Idol Stars, Jennifer Hudson and Kelly Clarkson have been said to have lost weight on this diet. Now becoming the hottest trend amongst celebrity dieting, and with the recent opening of the first ever C**kie Diet store in ******** *****, celebs are flocking to this diet to drop the extra pounds without ignoring their sweet tooth.

Just by eating six cookies a day plus a sensible dinner, the diet that has helped over 500,000 people lose weight effectively, helps to suppress hunger and is now widely available to everyone! I would love to offer you an interview with Dr. ****** himself and/or one of his many weight loss success stories (some of who have lost 120lbs!).

Please let me know if you’d like more information on the diet trend that has entered the lives of your favorite celebs and everyday people! Thanks, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Best,

Danielle

If you really wanted to get our attention, Danielle, you would have done a little more research, gotten our mailing address and sent us some damn cookies. Or how about "please let me know if you'd like some damn cookies!" Publicity FAIL.

Related:

Amazon's "Girl Scout Cookies"

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**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

More Shameless Self Promotion: I'll Give You a Cookie if You Buy My Book

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble..

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

On this radio show discussing Obama having a beer at an NBA game, does it mean anything that some of these callers are against it?

Oh no... what we've always feared... High School Musical 4.

The last thing you want to do when you're running for public office is get yourself accused of sex crimes.

The cop who saved a bunch of lives in a Utah school shooting has pleaded no contest for having sex with a teenage girl while responding to a 9-1-1 call at her house.

Cook County Commissioner Mike Quigley will likely be the next Congressman from Illinois. Yep, another member of the Illinois government is heading to Washington...

Britney Spears launched her tour last night.

A woman called 9-1-1 three times in a row because her McDonald's didn't have any McNuggets.

Speaking of 9-1-1-- if you have a LG 830 Spyder, you seriously need to drop everything and read this.

Rupert Murdoch had his revenge on his biographer, who may be involved in a sex scandal.

And does it mean anything for the country at large if Apple laid off fifty workers yesterday?

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Fatties: Get Up, Get Out So You Can Still Get it Up

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 19:48:00 GMT

Yo, men: does your waist measure more than 42 inches? Do you exercise less than 30 minutes a day? If the answer to both of those questions is yes, you might be putting yourself at risk for something much worse than wearing sweat pants while riding around on your motorized scooter stuffing McDonald's in your face.

According to a new study, overweight, out of shape men are at a much higher risk for erectile dysfunction than those who exercise at least 30 minutes a day and have a 32-inch waistline.

It should be noted that the study was funded by the National Cancer Institute, the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute, and the American Cancer Society, three organizations that want you to be fit and healthy. However,

Researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health (HSPH) also found strong links between obesity and impotence. When obesity was combined with smoking, the risk of impotence was even greater.

Reporting in The Journal of Urology, HSPH’s Constance Bacon said they studied more than 22,000 men aged between 40 and 75 who news releases said they had good erections prior to smoking and being obese. After that, things started to go downhill. They also found that regular physical activity could lower the risk of impotence.

"We found a 2.5-fold difference in the risk of erectile dysfunction when we compared obese men who did little exercise with men who were not overweight send press releases averaged 30 minutes of vigorous exercise a day. For men younger than 55, there was a four-fold difference in risk for the same comparison," said co-researcher Eric Rimm.

More recently, the link between inactivity and impotence was confirmed by Johns Hopkins researchers. In their study published in The American Journal of Medicine, the researchers found a high prevalence of impotence among men with hypertension and diabetes.

Still, we have to question the newsworthiness of this particular study based entirely on the last paragraph of the "story."

To prevent impotence, eat the right foods, watch your weight, and exercise regularly. If you have the misfortune of being impotent, don’t despair since the pr distribution is treatable. Seek medical help as early as possible to avoid complications later. One popular impotence remedy is Erectasil, a topical lotion designed to “lift” your spirits and your body so you can be where the action is.

[Meadowfree Press: Impotence common in overweight men]

Related:

Boy Takes Viagra To Survive... A Two-Year-Old Boy, That Is...

Fake Viagra, Interrupted

World's Fattest Man is 550 Pounds and 24 Days Closer to Endless Love

World's Fattest Man is Still Very Fat

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While You Were Sleeping: George W. Bush Under Attack

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Apparently, bisexual men enjoy The Rock.

What are these parents going to tell their kids when they get beat up because they insist, even into their later years, that they clearly remember going to the North Pole, where they met Ronald McDonald and Santa Claus?

The producer of Don't Look Now's unforgettable sex scene clears up the "did they or didn't they" debate:

“My company had made it and it was the most beautiful lovemaking scene with Donald Sutherland [and Julie Christie.]

“[It was] beautiful visually and beautiful emotionally because it is in fact about a married couple who have gone through a terrible tragedy and they are trying to get themselves back together so it was a very strong, important part of the picture.”

However, Deeley insisted that contrary to popular belief Sutherland and Christie were merely acting.

As usual, Hollywood's shitty fare fell flat on its face at the box office this weekend.

At 33, Tara Reid finally checked into rehab.

A teenage girl had her party crashed by an obnoxious Facebook group. On the plus side, it might lead to a modeling contract for her.

And George Bush was nearly assaulted by two flying shoes at a press conference. They were thrown by an Iraqi journalist, who said something like "This is the end, you dog" and wanted to insult Junior.

Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!

New York Mag News Flash: Women Drink Like Men, Except Not

Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Top 5 Susan Sarandon Sex Scenes

Don't Ever Lose Your Cell Phone At A McDonald's

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:43:00 GMT

Life Lesson #1: never lose your cell phone at a McDonald's. Life Lesson #2: If said cell phone contains nude photos of your wife, don't lose it at a McDonald's in northwest Arkansas.

A couple in the great state of Ark learned those the hard way when schlubby left his cell phone behind. For some reason, the McDonald's employees who discovered it went through his photo library instead of dialing up the man's address book and asking whose phone they were calling from. Sooner or later, at least one or two of the pics, all of which featured the man's surely long-suffering spouse, made their way to a website, which, curiously enough, made its way into the lives of the couple in question. (Did a friend see the wife's photo and say, "Hey, check out this great nude photo of your dearly beloved!" Did the husband have to admit to a porn addiction that allowed for this discovery?)

In any case, the couple has launched a three million dollar lawsuit against the company that owns the Fayetteville franchise and the restaurants manager. Was it worth it, McDonald's folks?

Related:

The English Are Still Too Prudish To Appreciate Nudity

While You Were Sleeping: What Men Think Women Think Men Want

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

Yes, Scanner Emily. Chipotle will make you fat.

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:04:00 GMT

Yesterday we had a burrito from Chipotle. It was delicious. It also had 943 calories. And it didn't even have any meat in it! How do we know we consumed so many calories with one not-so-very-little burrito? We used the Chipotle Nutrition Facts Calculator, that's how. And, well, it's time to cut the sour cream; it would have saved us 120 calories!

Here's how it works: you just go to this site and plug in what you had on your burrito or in your tacos. Then you can feel guilty and go run or purge or whatever you need to do to feel okay about eating a 1,000 calorie burrito. We just sat and contemplated it. You can do that, too.

[Chipotle Nutrition Calculator 2.0]

Related:

Taco, Burrito, What's Comin' Out Of Your Speedo?

It's Been Real

Tacos We'd Like to F*ck: The Double Decker Taco

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This Week In Gayness: Fauxmosexuals Ruining It For Everyone Else

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 13:49:00 GMT

There were millions of people at Rio de Janeiro's gay parade this week.

The Pin-Up Girls do burlesque for the LGBT crowd. We just want to know their tour dates and that is all:

[The Girls embrace] all different types of women. Girl on girl action, these girls make a big splash in the LGBT community. In other words, after a performance, there is not a dry seat in the house. [Lez Get Real]

The Connecticut Supreme Court's decision to legalize gay marriage pointed out the absurdity of gay marriage opponents arguing against the institution of marriage:

The majority opinion summarized their argument this way: "[T]hey asserted that the plaintiffs had failed to demonstrate that they have suffered any harm as a result of the statutory bar against same sex marriage because, under the civil union law, gay persons are entitled to all of the rights that married couples enjoy." Logic like this puts gay marriage opponents in the odd position of devaluing the institution of marriage. Marriage, they end up arguing, is nothing so special that it can't be replicated by a parallel institution--in this case, civil unions. Yet the entire point of creating civil unions is to preserve what is allegedly special about the institution of marriage. There is a pretty blatant contradiction here. [The New Republic]

Gawker wants to know if "fauxmosexuals" are ruining it for gay people? We don't have an answer for them, although we were glad to see someone else point out that Katy Perry stole her song from Jill Sobule's "I Kissed A Girl."

It's important to remember that, even after our victories in the courts, the scum are meanwhile redoubling their efforts. According to a variety of sources, "family"/morals groups have claimed victory in their boycott over the supposedly "pro-gay" McDonald's.

Keep up the good fight...

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This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

While You Were Sleeping: Oh, Jeebus... Guess Who's Pregnant Again?

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Top 5 Most Offensive Commericals We Can Think Of At The Moment

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:04:00 GMT

We've been so busy renting DVDs from a certain mail order/internet service that we haven't watched television, certainly not television with commercial interruption, for what seems like years now. So it's a very jarring experience to go over Scanner Emily's house, eat casseroles, and watch something from the modern era called The Biggest Loser and stare in mute agony at the barrage of filth and garbage that gets thrown back in our faces. By the advertisers, of course.

This got us thinking about how grateful we are not to see commericals, especially this atrocious fivesome, ever again. Here are five television ads someone hopefully got fired over...

5. "Racist" McDonald's African-themed commercial. 'Nuff said.

4. When the guy gets out of the car in the beginning of this Credit MacDaddy commercial, we were deathly afraid it would be a zombified Rick James.

3. Forget whether the makers and signer-offers of this ad should be fired, they should downright be imprisoned for exploiting our veterans for monetary gain. It's so bad, it'll almost make you forget about the Republican Party's exploitation of 9/11 victims for political gain... naw, not really...

2. This one's just probably offensive to our intelligence. Although we don't even want to think about the possible number of people who actually trusted that guy with their money.

1. The top ad here (Senator Chambliss' ad against then-incumbet Democratic Senator and Vietnam Vet Max Cleland), which famously linked a man who lost limbs for his country to Osama Bin Laden (and succeeded in defeating that man), is easily the most offensive commercial in human history. Here's a bonus... a commercial that's either a) extremely offensive or b) not offensive at all, depending on your point of view. Just staying neutral on this one, we have to admit it's hard to explain why this might be offensive. Maybe it's that it's not effective... or that it turns domestic violence into a Hollywood action sequence... or that it's just plain terrible and a waste of money better spent actually helping victims of spousal abuse.

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This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:17:00 GMT

Besides Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan finally admitting their obvious gayness, there were a couple more newsworthy stories floating out there this week:

A teenage boy has been condemned to die in Iran because he is a homosexual.

The gay marriage fight in DC is nearing its end, as the City Council is almost ready to pass a bill making it legal.

Ian McKellen will tour British schools to teach kids about tolerance. And elves.

I’ve been busy at quite a few schools recently. I went to a wonderful co-ed faith school in Harpenden.
'They were Christians and absolutely determined that their pupils did not discriminate.
They invited me to come and give prizes to 13-year-olds in front of the parents and to talk, partly, about being gay.

'I said that we are all part of a minority group – be it for being short, or tall or fat or thin, or having red hair or whatever. I said hands up who thinks they are part of a minority group and all the hands went up.

A Queensland city agency has ruled a pro-gun, anti-gay nutjob is guilty of inciting hatred for a sticker he displayed that read: "Gay Rights? Under God's law the only rights gays have is the right to die."

A Lousville, Kentucky McDonald's employee is being investigated by the state's Human Rights Commission after the following incident:

Ryan Marlatt, Teddy Eggers, and three other friends had stopped for lunch at the McDonald's restaurant on July 26, 2008, while visiting Louisville for the weekend. While they waited for their food to be prepared, an employee behind the counter referred to them as "faggots" to another employee. Marlatt and Eggers asked to speak with a manager. As they waited for the supervisor on duty to appear, the employee who had called them "faggots" started arguing with them, repeatedly calling them "faggots" in front of other customers and calling one of them a "cocksucker" and "bitch."

Related:

Gay Community Attacks McCain By Outing His Chief Of Staff

You Can't Argue With A Conservative... No, Really, It's A Fact

This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

The War On Sex Rages On...

Lindsay Lohan Takes Time Out of Her Busy Day to Remind Us It's 9/11

This Week In Gayness: The Saxon Warrior Lovers

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Sloppy Seconds: Lil' Kim To Be A Playboy Centerfold?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:01:00 GMT

The new DIY porn station in Canada is sure to give us lots of blog material over the next several centuries.

A six-year-old boy had the adventure of a lifetime when he was accidentally transported to Mexico. Unfortunately, he didn't have enough money for the "around the world" package the girls were offering him.

A McCain advisor, who thinks the economy is doing spiffy, once invested in porn movies. Well, that's at least one intelligent thing he did that involves money.

Diabetes may have less to do with McDonald's and more to do with your drinking water... at least more than you thought.

Who needs a recap of a Hills episode? We didn't see it, but here's our overview: Heidi and Spencer are silicone robots.

An ex-Mormon is releasing an R-rated movie. This has gotta be juicy...

Lil' Kim, who made out with Hef and previously rejected his lowball offer to pose nude for his magazine, is reportedly ready to accept:

“’I am willing to shell out any amount for Kim, I’ve been trying to get her to do it for years!’ Hugh exclaims. The two have not been shy about their feelings for each other when Hugh was seen kissing Lil’ Kim at a post Grammy party back in 2001.”

“Kim previously declined the offer for the cover citing her religious beliefs and devotion to God, but a source close to Kim says “the only reason why she declined it at the time was because the money was not enough, this time the money is right.”

Related:

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Who Will Play Playboy Hugh Hefner in the Story of His Life?

Heidi Montag Endorses McCain; Alarmed GOPers Head For the Hills

Male Mormon Missionaries Go Topless For The Hell Of It

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This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Makes Jesus Cry?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:23:00 GMT

Hatemonger and classic "Southern gentleman" Jesse Helms died at the age of 86. Meanwhile, a government worker actually retired rather than lower his office's flag to half-mast. Now, that's a gentleman.

Four teenagers are giving their LGBT Center a bad name after beating up a priest who tried to intervene in their fight.

In another setback to bigots in California, a conservative county that anti-marriage advocates had hoped would buck the State's new position agreed to hold gay marriage ceremonies after all...

An adult lesbian adoption was defeated after a residency issue was brought to light by the bitter, greedy family of Thomas Watson, who helped launch IBM Computers. How shameful.

Florida, which has been making a run lately for the title of Craziest State in the Nation, helped bring itself closer to reality this week by ignoring the "gay panic" plea of a drag queen's coldblooded murderer, sentencing him to life in prison. Don't worry, buddy, there's no chance of butt sex in prison.

The Religious Right, in the form of the so-called American Family Association, urged its members to boycott McDonald's restaurants nationwide after the chain so much as voiced support for National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce. These are actual quotes from the right-wing group, believe it or not:

[T]he boycott "is not about hiring homosexuals ... It is not about homosexuals eating at McDonald's ... It is not about how homosexual employees are treated.
"It is about McDonald's, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage," the site went on to say.

Read more at Gay.com. See also: "McDonald's Makes Jesus Cry" via Yahoo!

There Best Be Some Bling on That Burger King

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 13:14:00 GMT

If we were going to drop $200 on a hamburger — which, let's be honest, we totally would if we could — it sure as hell wouldn't be from Burger King. Even if it was a Burger King in the UK. Even though Big Macs are better in the UK so who's to say that Burger King wouldn't be better in the UK? But still... let's talk about why it's expensive.

Because Burger King says so to break some silly record:

Burger King's £95 sandwich, named simply The Burger, will make Guinness World Record history beating a similarly extravagant American Double Truffle Burger which cost just £65 in 1994.
The world's most succulent Japanese beef is complemented with white truffles, onion tempura prepared in Cristal champagne and Italy's finest Pata Negra prosciutto.

Really? You're gonna be like that, Burger King?

We think we can do better, especially with the help of our friend the Shameless Carnivore. Because we can make a burger that will not only cost 95 pounds, it will make you gain 95 pounds.

Or, uh, we could just make a regular burger and get someone to give us $250 for it and then we'd have the most expensive burger in the world, now wouldn't we?

[Telegraph: Burger King launches £95 'bling burger']

Related:

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Today in Disorders We'll Never Suffer From: Orthorexia

If Lindsay Lohan is Pregnant, Then We're Expecting Twins

Virginity: Free With Purchase Of Medium Or Large Drink

Bryan Christian — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:24:00 GMT

Hey, any of you guys have one of those free-ish chicken sandwiches McDonald's was offering last week? We did. They were just OK. We could go on about how just-OK they were, but frankly we think we got off pretty lucky. Because according to Margaret McKeehan's memoir of Bible Belt sex ed classes, there are a few unlucky souls out there paying a much higher price for lunch.

It was a public school, so they couldn't justify saving sex for marriage on religious grounds. Instead, they justified it with social custom. A person is more valuable to their spouse if they wait until marriage. Virginity is a gift. Waiting is a gift. They split us up by gender and asked the guys if they would want to marry a virgin, and supposedly, they all said yes. This was particularly interesting because there was a sexually active couple in my class. The girl was devastated. They actually told her that her boyfriend probably didn't want to marry her because he was having sex with her. But the real topper for this class was signing a promise -- a promise for a chicken sandwich. Oh yes. Sign this paper saying you'll wait until marriage and you can get a free sandwich from Chick-fil-A. I don't mean to state the obvious, but nothing could devalue a person more than selling his/ her virginity for a chicken sandwich.

Well, to be fair: Chick-fil-a's chicken sandwiches are way better than the Mickey D versions.

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

A reader sent us this delightfully ageist, partisan hatchet job on the candidate attempting to become the oldest President ever (no, not Hillary Clinton, c. 2013), Senator John McCain.

John McCain is older than the word "old." When John McCain was a child, his granpappy was referred to as "ye olde man." Note the difference in spelling. John McCain is older than nylons, which means he is older than boners. Do we sound too much like "The Late Show With David Letterman?" We apologize-- although you should still check out our hilarious little list, stolen straight from the website "Things Younger Than John McCain."

10. Velcro

9. Plutonium

8. Both of Barack Obama's biological parents

7. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, for God's sake. Support somebody else!

6. Cheerios. Cheerios... Jesus Almighty, we thought the caveman had been the one to figure out what to do with little oats.

5. Scientology. Take that, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and that embarrassing woman from "Cheers"-- Scientology is a figment of our cultural imagination and not to be taken any more seriously than, uh, Christianity, for example.

4. Spam. Not only the internet annoyance... the food made famous by Monty Python!

3. The Golden Gate Bridge

2. Alaska

1. The Chocolate Chip Cookie

Runners up: AARP, Mount Rushmore, McDonald's, nylon, and FM radio, as well as many other shockers at "Things Younger Than McCain."

Thanks to Rachel R. for the link!

It's Earth Day: Calculate Your Carbon Footprint

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:56:00 GMT

Oh, wah. It's not like we're telling you to calculate your carbon footprint then do something about it. Just go calculate. The rest is up to you, you know, as long as you don't throw your McDonald's wrappers out the window of your SUV. In that case, we'd come kick your ass.

[Carbon Footprint Calculator]

Japanese Film Crew Arrested For Shooting Porn In A McDonald's

Bryan Christian — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:01:00 GMT

No, this is not it.

An undisclosed number of filmmakers and actors were arrested last Wednesday in Japan for shooting a porn in a McDonald's earlier in the year.

Producer Kunikazu Ishii, 51, an actress, 21, an actor, 29, and staff were arrested for allegedly shooting a porn film at the McDonald’s outlet around 3 p.m. on Jan 24. A customer noticed them and called police. McDonald’s staff were apparently unaware of what was going on.
One of the suspects was quoted by police as saying, “We didn’t think it would be a problem as long as nobody noticed what we were doing.”

Yeah, we're not buying that one either. You know what would have been a way better excuse? "We didn't think it'd be a problem as long as everyone was lovin' it!" ZING!

Zing?

Whatevs. Hey, we'll make it up to you: click through for the supersexy female version of the above ad.

[via AVN]