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Marry, F*ck or Kill: Sexy Doctor Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Sixteen million people watched the E.R. series finale last night. We were not among them, but if our Twitter feed is any indication, old-school fans were seriously missing sexy, sexy Dr. Ross, played many seasons ago by George Clooney. And that got us thinking about how glad we are to still have Lost's Matthew Shepherd in our lives. We thought we'd do a little "Who Would You Rather: Dr. Ross vs. Dr. Shepherd?" but then we remembered Dr. McDreamy, played by Patrick Dempsey on Grey's Anatomy. Ah! So many sexy doctors, so little time—the perfect situation for a very important decision: which TV doctor do you marry, which do you fuck and which do you DNR?

While You Were Sleeping: The Fate of Project Runway

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 13:16:00 GMT

Mona Lisa from burger grease! The great smirking later has never been sexier. (Luckily, this isn't one of those "it's a turd shaped like my aunt Josefa, let's sell it on eBay" things, but art.)

A strip club takes on the McDonald's logo, McDonald's takes them to court.

You think Snoop Dogg's remixes of Johnny Cash songs will be any good?

Two typos, two accidental calls to two different phone sex lines. The first, which Emily mentioned yesterday, involves cereal, the second... Hillary Clinton.

Jonathan Coulton has a new DVD out called Best. Concert. Ever. We predict it will be a live recording.

NBC affiliates should learn never to underestimate Jay Leno's ability to draw viewers.

Meanwhile, the television company will air a documentary focused on Farrah Fawcett's battle with breast cancer.

The Project Runway lawsuit was settled-- the show will air again this summer, this time on the Lifetime Network.

And instead of beating up the fan who exposed himself to her, Lady Gaga signed the man's naughty bits.

Sloppy Seconds: What Amy Adams Does in Private

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:43:00 GMT

Do you believe that NBC paid crazy baby lady ~~Angelina Jolie~~ Nadya Suleman nothing for her sit down with Ann Curry? [Jossip]

Our favorite headline of the day: 'Nude biker leads trooper on chase in bad weather.' [AP]

Boo: a brewery in Brooklyn has been ordered to stop making its Obama ale. That's too bad. We've had it and it's good. [The Brooklyn Paper]

After seemingly racist photos of her surfaced, Miley Cyrus is being sued for $4 million "on behalf of all "Asian Pacific Islanders living in Los Angeles County." Good luck with that Lucie Kim. [FadedYouth]

Ah! Will U2 just go away for, like, a little while? They're playing for an entire week on David Letterman to promote their upcoming album. [Yahoo!]

Apparently Amy Adams, girl of Scanner Brain's dreams, is actually a bad girl, telling BlackBook magazine, "I misbehave. I just do it in private." We imagine this only means he loves her more now. [People]

Dr. Ruth Has Something Sweet for You This Valentine's Day

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:24:00 GMT

The ever-adorable Dr. Ruth was on Today this morning to promote her newest book, "Top 10 Secrets for Great Sex." And for those of you not having sex, she has a few tips for you this Valentine's Day. The first is, of course, "read the book." The second?

"Go out and buy an ice cream cone. And practice on it."

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[Image]

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, gave her first interview to NBC's Ann Curry yesterday (we wonder how much she got paid for that!). The interview won't air for a few days, but at least now we know why she felt so compelled to have fourteen babies, as a single mother, by age 33. And we know what she looks like!

On how an only child ended up with 14 children: “That was always a dream of mine, to have a large family, a huge family, and– I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up. I was lacking a feeling of self and identity. I didn’t feel as though, when I was a child, I had much control of my environment. I felt powerless. And that gave me a sense of predictability. Reflecting back on my childhood, I know it wasn’t functional. It was pretty— pretty dysfunctional, and whose isn’t? ”

On how long before she first got pregnant: “Well, I went through about seven years of trying. And– through artificial insemination. And through medication. And all of which was unsuccessful. And then the first—IVF procedure from that—from that facility—it was successful. And then I just kept going in.”

Um, yeah. We're no psychiatrists, but we're fairly certain she now very officially qualifies as a crazy baby lady.

[Faded Youth: THE MOTHER OF OCTUPLETS TALKS]

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Krasinski and Fischer Sadly Opted Out of "The Office" Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

As it does for every cultural phenomenon, the adult film industry has created a XXX spoof the NBC sitcom The Office...

We're not even sure this trailer of the parody film is really NSFW. In fact: there's only one flash of boob, and it's a covered one. Here's hoping the actual film lives up to its promises... now who'll be the first to mail us a review copy?

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Top 10 Reasons To Watch 30 Rock

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:20:00 GMT

As if you need a reason besides the above-pictured lass, the year's #1 entertainer, according to various publications...

Instead of posting much today, we've been checking out last week's episode of 30 Rock and wondering why you haven't done the same. Here are the first ten reasons we could think of (there are at least 2,000 more) for why you should heading to your Netflix account immediately and ordering up the Complete First and Second Seasons, then checking out the show on NBC Thursday nights, starting again January 8th.

10. Although Fey was forced to fire Rachel Dratch in order to cut costs (how much could a cameo as a little blue monster run them?), you can catch the old episodes via DVD-- we defy you not to watch the entire season in one or two sittings.

9. Will Arnett. Will Arnett. Will Arnett, Will Arnett. Better yet, a maniacal Will Arnett with a lust for a chipper NBC page boy.

8. You owe Tina Fey for making your year with her Sarah Palin imitation. This is how you'll thank her.

7. The bit players aren't the stock sitcom types-- they're memorable and ridiculous without being entirely unrealistic.

6. Tracy Morgan's one-liners are so out-of-left-field and off-the-cuff, you'll wonder if he's reading off cue cards or just making this madness up as he rolls along. Seriously, does he?

5. Even the hokey celebrity walk-ons are inspired. From Steve Martin's reclusive rich kook to Jennifer Aniston's bombshell nutcase, this season's earliest episodes may never be topped for sheer consecutive star power.

4. Elaine Stritch's recurring role as Jack's mother, for which she was awarded an Emmy last year, are the highlights of every season. (She was the guest star on last Thursday's Christmas show, which was dynamite. A clip can be found below.)

3. Because the frumpier they try to make Tina Fey look, the more adorable she is.

2. Alec Baldwin is the best comedian working in television today.

1. They're desperately seeking your ratings. Hell, if Oprah can't save them, nobody can...

Sure, we understand that the critically acclaimed yet ratings-challenged "30 Rock" has to do what it can to wrangle viewers, but many of the A-list cameos the show has employed for that purpose have been seriously subpar. Jerry Seinfeld's and Jennifer Aniston's appearances on the series were equally lukewarm. Oddly enough, the standout cameo of 2008 came courtesy of non-comedian Oprah Winfrey, who played herself, opposite an advice-hungry Liz Lemon during a plane flight. Was it a gimmick? Yeah. Did it work? Totally.

Check it out at NBC.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Underage Sex

Golden Globe Nominations Even Worse Than We Expected

5 Reasons SNL Is Finally Worth Watching

Who Will Be the First to Interview President Obama?

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:39:00 GMT

You may have thought Scanner Brian would be the first to snag an interview with our new president, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, one of those fancy "real" news outlets beat us to it.

"60 Minutes" will get the first interview with President Elect Obama and our soon-to-be First Lady, Michelle Obama.

The interview is scheduled to take place with Steve Kroft today and it will air this Sunday at 7. So set your TiVo and invite us over. We'll bring the casserole.

[CBS: President-Elect Obama On 60 Minutes Sunday]

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While You Were Sleeping: The New American Idol Judge

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The Onion Called It Seven Years Ago...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

First, they predicted the emergence of Joe the Plumber in a story published in the nineties. Then, they perfectly encapsulated the Bush Administration... just days into W's first term.

The story went on to "quote" Bush on his administration's support for nation building, something Bush the Candidate had said he was against.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

In a high-profile story today that was picked up by CNN, MSNBC, and various other outlets, Joe Garden, an Onion editor and our pick to replace Conan O'Brien when Conan takes over the Tonight Show, had this to say:

Writers at the satirical paper still speak reverentially of the story, in which Bush promises to take the country into a deep recession, worsen the environment and "end the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton."
"Wow, was that prescient," marvels Joe Garden, the Onion's features editor.
"We get asked a lot if we secretly want Republicans to win since there's so much more material," [assistant editor Megan Ganz] says. "The thing is, we always say, we have to live in the country, too. And also, when stuff is really going bad, it's harder to make jokes." [CNN]

Check out the original story here.

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I Love Myself For Loving You: Amy Ryan

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 18:13:00 GMT

She deserved an Oscar for Gone Baby Gone. She was on our favorite show of all time, The Wire. And she's a New Yorker who doesn't act like "the quintessential New Yorker" (i.e. impersonal, egotistical, etc.)

For these and many more reasons, we might actually buy the New York Post this Sunday...

These are excerpts from excerpts from this Sunday's Page Six Magazine with one of our favorite working actresses (and thank God for the "working" part of it...)

On NBC's The Office: “I think it’s one of the funniest shows on TV. I felt so lucky to go [to work and] laugh my head off. I’ve been guaranteed to screw up at least three takes a day, ruining my makeup in the process by crying with laughter – that’s how funny the cast is.”
“I guess I should have just done a reality show, gone out in dresses without my panties and skipped the years of hard work- then everyone would know who I am. Being a working actor was always the goal. It wasn’t about fame for me. But now that I’m older, and I’ve been at it a while, I’m ready for the attention. I think I’ve earned it.”

On Gone Baby Gone: “The role was like winning the lottery. I had been playing scratch-offs for years and finally the stars aligned for me. I was up against incredible actresses like Cate Blanchett, Ruby Dee and Tilda Swinton. Are you kidding me? Of course I didn’t expect to win!”
“I grew up in the same house in Queens my dad grew up in. My family keeps me grounded and deeply rooted in New York. There’s no chance of me getting a big head.”
“I never envisioned a white dress with rice being pelted at my head, [but] I do understand the beauty of choosing life with one person." [There's still hope for you and I, Ms. Ryan...]
“I’m a Barack Obama supporter. He has the knowledge, work ethic and charisma needed to make a change. I don’t think anyone should vote based on what a celebrity has to say, but come Election Day, I hope others agree with me.”

Nope... we couldn't love her more. See the full interview in this Sunday's Page Six Magazine. There, we said it: we want you to read the Post.

Image via W Magazine.

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We Love Amy Sedaris And Her Felt Vagina

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 20:28:00 GMT

There have been times when we've had a few beers and thought, "Why doesn't anyone agree with us that Amy Sedaris is the sexiest woman alive?" There have also been times when we've woken up in the middle of the night and had the very same thought-- and while totally sober that one time.

So it's totally unsurprising that this instant-classic-video from the E! show Chelsea Lately (which, supposing they ever have anything this funny again, we'll watch from now on) made us hot and bothered on a Monday afternoon...

Our favorite moments:

Sedaris: Based on your books, I decided you needed to know a bit about vaginal cleansing. [Let's see a line like that get past NBC during Leno's show.]
Sedaris: Here you have the outer folds [of the vagina.] Let's just go ahead and PIN these! [Ouch.]

Here's the video:

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We Got Yer 30 Rock Season Premiere Right Here...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:46:00 GMT

It doesn't even broadcast for another seven days, but we have the 30 Rock season premiere after the jump.

Bonus: we believe it has something to do with the career of Will Arnett... AND it does not involve seeing Tina Fey repeating any of Sarah Palin's most painful moments... so enjoy...

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Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Holly Madison talks about her break-up with Playboy papa Hugh Hefner. [FadedYouth]

When will Tina Fey be back on Saturday Night Live? The suspense is killing us! [Yahoo!]

Mark Wahlberg is getting married to his girlfriend and baby mama, Rhea Durham. What a funky bunch! [People]

Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer back together? Probably. Do we care anymore? Not really. [Us]

We have a sneaking suspicion that Hank Williams, Sr. wouldn't be too happy about Hank Williams, Jr. finally giving the Republicans their damn song. Especially because it's the worst version ever of an already sort-of bad song.

Related:

The Foo Fighters Would Like John McCain to Stop Comparing Himself to Kurt Cobain

Who Would You Rather: Joe "Boobies" Francis vs. Hugh Hefner?

If Only Tina Fey Would Play Sarah Palin in the Forthcoming Porno

Sloppy Seconds: More Fun With Sarah Palin Affair Rumors

This Week In Gayness: Weddings in California Prisons

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 21:25:00 GMT

A moment for the history books, indeed, Moran...

Meanwhile, California prisons are enjoy a weird new trend...

Now that same-sex couples can get married in California, state prison officials are trying to figure out what that means for gay inmates.

No prisoners so far have sought to arrange weddings with same-sex partners since the state Supreme Court granted same-sex couples the right to wed as of mid-June, according to Michele Kane, spokeswoman for the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation. Nonetheless, department lawyers are drafting guidelines to bring the state's 33 adult prisons into compliance with the court's ruling that same-sex couples must be treated the same as opposite-sex couples under the California Constitution, Kane said.

What they have determined so far is that would mean allowing gay inmates to marry someone on the outside, but not a fellow prisoner — the same rules that apply to straight inmates, according to Kane. "They will have the same marriage rights as other inmates — they will be able to marry non-inmates, but barred from marrying other inmates in prison," she said.

Ahhh... conjugal visits. Is there nothing more ridiculous?

Via Sentencing Law & Policy.

Next Up For Michael Phelps: Television Stardom

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:11:00 GMT

This post was written by guest blogger Sean Flanagan.

Michael Phelps, the soon-to-be super rich record-breaking Olympian, is trying to expand his global fame by becoming affiliated with MTV award ceremonies and Saturday Night Live...

Oh wait, he's an athlete and may not be able to act. When will Lorne Michaels, that silly Canadian, learn his lesson?

How many athletes – or politicians while we're at it - can you have on your show (let alone giving them the season priemere!) before you realize that they cannot carry a show?

Lorne's show is, let's face it, in the dumps. The 90s were glorious, the 00’s not so much. You went from a cast that every major featured player went on to be twenty-million-dollar-a-movie stars to a cast where the talented people have been brushed aside in favor of Andy Samberg and recurring characters that weren’t funny the first time around.

Michael Jordan
Nancy Kerrigan
Tom Brady
Peyton Manning
Jonny Moseley
Derek Jeter (though he was kinda good-- see above photo)

Let the Olympian be on a box of cereal, cut a few ribbons, do 20/20 soft focus lens takes with Babawawa and fade into the record books. Meanwhile, SNL needs to bounce back in a serious way this season and find a way to achieve relevance again after having long since lost Tina Fey to become TV's hottest geek on 30 Rock...

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Classy Hillary Clinton Nominates Obama To The Tearful Strains Of Her Supporters' Hand Claps

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:18:00 GMT

Madame Secretary... I move that the Convention suspend the rules...

With these words, a collective chill went up through the nation, especially those one or two million of us who care enough about the country to have seen it live. Meanwhile, the yakking heads at NBC couldn't shut up for two seconds to allow us to hear all of Nancy Pelosi's speech-- thankfully, some of us knew to watch PBS, where Walter Mondale weighed in immediately afterward and reminded us why 1984 was so much like "1984." Or something.

Anyway, the Democrats, with the possible exception of Joe Biden, who lost us about halfway through and then jarred us awake again with his clumsy wrapup, gave us something to remember last night with Beau (Joe, Jr.) Biden's introductory speech, Obama's surprise appearance on stage (it will be his only time inside the convention hall), and even John Kerry's where-was-this-guy-four-year's-ago fiery attack.

We'd like to know what you thought about last night and what you expect to see tonight, based on the following schedule:

7:00PM EDT
Rep. John Lewis, GA introduces Martin Luther King Tribute Video and Martin Luther King III

8:00PM EDT
Musical Performance [is this when will.i.am goes on? - Ed.}

9:55PM EDT
Sen. Dick Durbin, IL introduces Obama’s Video

10:00PM EDT
Obama Video
Obama Acceptance Speech (35 -40 minutes)
Fireworks
Barack, Michelle, VP, Mrs. VP all at podium

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Video of the Day: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at Comic-Con

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:20:00 GMT

Comic Con has fallen into exactly the same trap as Sundance: a festival that was formerly to celebrate one, somewhat holy, cultish thing. At Sundance, it was the independent film roster, shown by their makers and a skeleton crew from the cast and production. At Comic Con, it used to be the fans meeting their heroes and that was that.

Now, they've both turned into little more than corporate mega-productions, advertising the next year's slate of garbage.

Thankfully, we have Triump the Insult Comic Dog to save us. Although he can often be a mean little bastard (or, shall we say, Robert Smigel can be a mean little bastard), Triumph is always worth checking out. Apparently, NBC.com has the full video of the speech seen towards the end of this clip. Let us know if you think it's worth watching-- we're too lazy to get around to it right now...

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Call Us When They Get To She-Hulk!

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Lindsay Price: "I'm Afraid To Pose Naked," Poses Naked Anyway

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Lipstick Jungle, the redheaded stepchild* of Candace Bushnell (yeah, one of her other books), isn't back on the air until September. But NBC is already pushing hard for the Brooke Shields-led "comedy-drama" to become a breakout hit this fall...

...and they're backing it up with glorious, pointless nude photo shoots for its stars and supporting also-ran's. Chief among these is the Esquire photo shoot Lindsay Price did this month, for which she did an as-told-to story... about doing a nude photo shoot:

The week before the shoot, I worked out harder than I had in my entire life. I was anxious all week. The day of the shoot, I had fantasies of driving to Mexico to avoid doing it. I took the longest shower of my life, exfoliating, moisturizing, paying really close attention to where I shaved. I went to the set in my baggiest jeans and my most comfortable sweatshirt -- a really antisexy outfit.

The photographer and I worked out some poses while I was still wearing my robe. My heart started beating a mile a minute when he told me it was time to get started, because I knew I’d have to take off the robe. I just yanked it off and threw it to the side really quick. I’ve been skydiving, and this was so much scarier than jumping out of that plane.

Luckily for connoisseurs for the female form, Lindsay dropped any pretense of being scared and just bared it all. Covered up, of course-- this is Esquire, after all.

Lindsay wholeheartedly encourages others to strip away their inhibitions for the camera:

Since the shoot, I’ve started taking a good look at myself every time I get out of the shower. And I’m pleased. I definitely take a little longer getting dressed now.

Via Esquire.

Disclaimer*: This is not to disparage redheads. We have a special affinity for redheads. Please see sidebar photos for more.

Sloppy Seconds: American Apparel's Latest Porn Star Pick

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:46:00 GMT

Want an explanation of the finale of the Sopranos? Too bad, David Chase isn't going to make a movie, sources say.

The overhyped/underwhelming Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial has ended in a settlement. Now, can Hollywood please send us a real scandal for a change?

Best or worst excuse ever? Check out France's First Lady, Carla Bruni, on why her belly appears to be growing...

The model-turned-songstress says she "would certainly like to be pregnant" but is not. If her tummy has grown, it is because she enjoys an occasional beer.

Perhaps they've finally discovered Nerve: according to the Washington Post, seniors are turned on and acting on it now more than ever.

American Apparel hired another porn star. Surprisingly, it's not Julia Allison.

Karl Rove may be heading for another legal problem after her refused to testify in Congress. The Democrats could hold him in contempt, which is apparently a new thing for them.

Another country club is in trouble, this time in Phoenix, for refusing to separate the sexes. Alice Cooper allegedly had no problems eating his fried bat without any groupies present.

In a bid to offset the poor attention spans of most American TV viewers, NBC has decided it needs a webseries to introduce a new superhero to "Heroes," rather than try to work him in to the regular season. Check out the details here. Or ignore them and just stare at the above photo of Hayden, who has no part in the webisodes.

Don't forget, folks, tomorrow is Chick-Fil-A's free chicken dinner. There is a stipulation, though: you have to come dressed as a cow. We recommend the following outfit:

Thanks, Bianca!

Woman Injured By Victoria's Secret Thong

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:51:00 GMT

Dudes, don't let your ladies see this post...

How ridiculous is this? We understand that it may have hurt like hell, but this is the very definition of an accident and we don't see how a person could, other than for reasons of greed, blame Victoria's Secret for their predicament:

Macrida Patterson, a 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer, told NBC's "Today" show that she suffered cuts to her cornea from the small piece of metal that had been used to secure a rhinestone heart onto the blue thong.

"I was putting on my underwear from Victoria's Secret and the metal popped in my eye. It happened really quickly. I was in excruciating pain. I screamed. That's what happened," Patterson told NBC.

Patterson's lawyer Jason Buccat, who also appeared on the "Today" show, said the metal staple causes "severe damage" to her cornea that required a topical steroid.

You can always count on the "Today" show for breaking culturally relevant news stories such as this one. We can't wait for Monday's show, reportedly to feature "the latest music sensation, hip-hop rap music!"

Via Reuters.

God Bless You, Mr. Russert

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 15:01:00 GMT

If Rush Limbaugh and Barack Obama both sincerely admired you, you probably live one helluva life.

We always thought you should've attacked Republicans harder, embarrassed Democratic whimps like Joe Lieberman and Nancy Pelosi more on Iraq, but now that you're gone, how many broadcasters are left that will even have the guts to attack any of them, in any manner? It'll be all kid gloves from here, since the only person like you on TV is Keith Olbermann... and John McCain and Harry Reid are too crafty to agree to that suicide of an interview.

It'll be up to independent media outlets and the blogosphere to call out the bullshit artists in politics and expose the truth that Fox News, NBC, and the rest of the phony press bury. You sought the truth and settled for nothing short of total honesty. You did your goddamndest for a guy who had a simple Sunday morning show that should have bored us back to sleep yet never did. You were 58 but seemed younger. Why not somebody with way less good karma? Why you and not someone more dispensible, harsh as that is to say?

We'll never know but, like you, Mr. Russert, we'll keep looking for the answers and make sure to ask the tough questions to get them. Thanks for all your hard work.

For more on Tim Russert, click here.

[Photo via Star Magazine]

NBC's ER in Critical Care

Katie Halper — Tue, 13 May 2008 21:45:00 GMT

ER, which has been on the air since 1994, has signed its own DNR* release.

It's hard for me to admit it, but the news that the 14-year-old ER has less than a year to live, has left me in shock. At least I have time to mourn the death of this great show, which will pull the plug next February. And at least ER will always live on in our memories... and on TNT.

* That means Do Not Resuscitate, for the layman/ non ER watcher

"MILF Island" T-Shirt: 100% Cotton, 200% Irony

Bryan Christian — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:30:00 GMT

30 Rock's thorougly plausible gag reality show MILF Island has inspired a t-shirt, now available for purchase in the NBC online store. Were it a real show, we'd expect to see this shirt on hipsters, douchebags, and hipster douchebags, but since it's not actually a real show, we're expecting to see it on... Well, those guys. And also possibly us. What does that say?

[Thanks Sarah!]

I Hate Myself for Loving You: Hayden Paniettiere

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 19:44:00 GMT

We're going to try something different with this one: reasons why we love (and really get annoyed by) Heroes star Hayden Panettiere. The eighteen-year-old inspires love of the dirty, dirty variety in us, but there's a lot that pisses us off.

This one's all in pictures...

WE LOVE:

HATE:

In summation: we love Hayden (especially dressed as a Texas cowgirl-- damn, forget the cheerleader role and get her on "Friday Night Lights," stat!) And we gotta be hatin' at the same time (whether it's a seethrough dress we didn't want to see or holding hands with BFF Paris Hilton while Paris Hilton is between deepthroats on a lollipop. Yuck-- we feel terrible for the lollipop.)

As for blubbering over Flubber, we're a bit torn. Last week, we learned how hot PETA protestors could be-- activism is sexy but naked activists are sexier. It makes us realize how young and vulnerable she is that she can cry over spilled tuna, and that just kills our Scanner boners:

But it's always up to the readers to decide these anyway...

Live From New York, It's... Hillary Clinton!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 05:01:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton is #1 today, at least on YouTube. With the early Nicholson-sponsored video and now this, her surprise (yet still somehow expected) appearance on Saturday Night Live, the Senator from New York is stealing the spotlight from Barack Obama just as he was beginning to pull away.

Hillary disappeared from the campaign trail over the weekend, leaving some reporters confused and without any material for today's attack pieces on her. She ended up with mostly positive reviews, although it seems unlikely that even this will offset losing a day of campaigning in Texas. Here are some comments from the Washington Post's blog:

It was a brilliant idea given the circumstances - it showed grace under pressure. It could nudge young undecided voters towards Clinton.

An excellent consolation prize for her eventually losing the nomination.

The SNL skit was degrading. Obama was made to look like an idiot, and an ugly one at that. The way they emphasized the racial aspect by exaggerating his features to me was a very uncomfortable race-baiting tactic. I absolutely was revolted by the whole thing.

I don't think it will nudge any young undecideds in one direction or another. Mostly because nobody watches SNL anymore.

Senator Clinton is definitely on the comeback trail. I think she'll win in Ohio and win or come close enough in Texas to give her strength to move on to Pennsylvania. Dems should not disenfranchise Pennsylvania along with Florida and Michigan!!!

What say you? Everyone jump into the comments section...

[Photo: KATU TV]

MSNBC: Obama = Osama

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 14:30:00 GMT

Barack Obama, known to Wonkettes as Barry Hussein (get it-- his middle name is the same as Saddam's last name), is up against the ignorance that brought us George Bush, chewing tobacc'a, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. In short, he is facing the American electorate in states long ignored by the thinkers and philosophers, and MSNBC is making sure to pander to them, jumping into the pig troughs and throwing the shit at each other to fill up every news hour.

The geniuses who brought you the Pimped Out Chelsea Clinton and other insults directed at her parents, particularly by head jackass-of-all-trades Chris Matthews, have now done themselves one better. On Monday night's Hardball, Matthews was speaking of Senator Obama when a graphic of the other Muslim terrorist appeared (no, not Dennis Kucinich), Osama Bin Laden, that Crazy Liberal from the East:

The other classy American news institution, CNN, committed same error last year, in a way:

Mitt Romney made the same, um, "mistake" during his campaign when blurted out Senator "Osama" when he meant to say "that guy the leader of my party never bothered to catch before or after 9/11."

Yep, above's another winner, Senator Lindsay Graham of one of those Carolina states that still practices lynching and uses different water fountains for Jews and darkies, seen here at a McCain event. They love that alliteration shit-- I guess it's better than literacy, folks! Yuck yuck yuck.

Here are some more gems from the Scanner vaults... yes, we save everything... otherwise, it'll get buried by NBC and their lackeys in the MSM.

Jane Fonda Uses The C Word, Meredith Viera Apologizes to America

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:39:00 GMT

This morning, on Today, Jane Fonda, our new hero, used the word "cunt," live. We didn't catch the original broadcast, so we're not sure if Jane actually apologized herself. Either way, Meredith Viera did a good job of apologizing to America on her behalf.

"To Catch a Predator" Actress Just Called Them "Pedophiles," Thank You Very Much

Bryan Christian — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Yeah, it's creepy, but To Catch a Predator -- NBC Dateline's Cops/Punk'd cluster-f wherein unsuspecting perverts are cornered on-camera by correspondent Chris Hansen before getting carted off to jail -- is also some crazy compelling TV. LAist (which, if you hadn't noticed, is rapidly becoming one of our favorite sites around here) has an interview with actress Dani Miura, who for a couple of years played the strange and discomfiting role of "Young and Impressionable Perv Bait" on the program.

So all your lines were improvised when you met with the pedophiles?
Yes.

Is that what you just called them, pedophiles or did you have a different term?
Yeah, we pretty much just called them pedophiles.
Did you get to know the pedophiles?

Hey, you get the feeling that the interviewer was just kind of tired of using the word "pedophiles"? Like, they were concerned that maybe if they said it too often, POOF!, they'd accidentally conjure one out of the aether or something. (Wait, that's not how it works, right?)

[Screengrab via The Wonderful World of Miss TLC]