Scanner : Nintendo Wii

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Stripper Pole Company Developing Stripping Game For The Wii

This Year's Most Annoying Christmas Commercial

You Missed Out on Santacon Again...

Beer Pong Video Game Falls By Way Of Lenny Bruce, Poop Paintings, Janet Jackson's Nipples

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 17:28:00 GMT

Stupid poster available from AllPosters.com

How dare these bastards try to stop up from playing "Beer Pong: The Video Game?" Never mind that we're spending $50 on a video game in which we salivate over digitized beer, when we could play it for real for $1.99 worth of Country Club...

Time Magazine has this shocking, shocking story:

Perhaps, in retrospect, JV Games should have seen this coming. After all, drinking games and video games may be two of college kids' favorite pastimes, but they are also a source of constant complaints from the students' middle-aged parents. So when the softwaremaker tried to combine the two adolescent activities, many critics felt it had gone too far.

"Too far" meaning, in this case, attempting to release a video game promoting binge drinking on the Nintendo brand.

"We never anticipated such a severe reaction to the word beer," says Jag Jaegar, co-owner of JV Games, which released Pong Toss on July 28 with a kid-friendly rating of T for teen.

Never anticipated?! Dude, the problem isn't the word "beer," it's everything including "beer." And yes, they actually changed the name of the game to "Pong Toss" and now feature water in the cups instead of booze.

Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Via Time.

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Stripper Pole Company Developing Stripping Game For The Wii

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:56:00 GMT

Forget what we told you about Wii Fit, which is already sold out in the UK and will soon be sold out here (although it isn't even on sale yet): the new #1 game of all time is going to be this: Wii Strip.

According to ABC News, Peekaboo, a company that makes at-home DIY-stripper poles (such as the one pictured above-- model MILF not included), is in talks with Nintendo to make your boyfriend's dreams a reality...

"Look, baby, it says on the box that it'll replace your regular workout." And fulfill the fantasy I had planned for myself since the age of 12: to have a live-in stripper perform for me every night, he does not add. He could also lift this direct quote from analyst Anita Frazier* for help with his pleading:

"There are strippercise [fully clothed] classes taught in gyms … and it has been a rising fitness trend over the last few years," she said. "It's really just an exercise trend." [ABC]

This gives a whole new idea too complicated to explain here. We will say, however, that it involves the Wii's vibrating remote....

Previously: Wii Fit Will Make Your Gym Membership Obsolete

*A woman! (And just so you know, ladies, we fully understand that this can come in handy for, um, getting your man "in shape." This kind of ploy works both ways... Link Via ABC News.

Wii Fit Will Make Your Gym Membership Obsolete

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:03:00 GMT

Because you're not into that whole gym-membership-for-$300 thing anyway, right?

Speaking strictly for myself, Scanner Brian, I'd rather make a one-time payment of $90 for the upcoming Wii Fit game and actually enjoy working out. There's nothing more unappealing to me than paying a monthly membership to go work out after work with all the other embarrassed unfit folk who won't look me in the eye, lest I'm judging them telepathically.

We'll stick to Wii Boxing and, starting next month, all of the following... in the privacy of our own homes:

Yoga, push ups, aerobics, heading soccer balls (!), hula hooping (!!), ski jumping (wouldn't the landing break our ankles?), jogging, tightrope walking, and-- bizarrely-- snowboarding. [via Wikipedia]

How the hell does all that work, you ask? It's the new Balance Board, which looks like so...

...get it now? It's just like the State of the Art Wiimote (i.e. lightsaber for use in "LEGO Star Wars," the world's funnest game) you've been hearing so much about (Google "People Let Go Of Wiimotes And Smash Their $3,000 Plasma TVs" and see what comes up), the same Wiimote which is being pirated by the dark overlords at XBOX, thus soon rendering all of Nintendo obsolete. (Sorry for getting carried over into geekdom for a minute there.)

Then again, we're probably too poor to pick this up anytime during the rest of the Bush presidency, even after considering it a paltry $90 investment in our health and greater well-being. Sad.

Super Pii Pii Brothers Is Somehow Both a Strap On and a Video Game

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:35:00 GMT

Hey ladies, ever wanted to pee like a dude? Why waste your money on a P-Mate, when you could opt for a much more colorful (and less messy) Super Pii Pii Brothers for your Nintendo Wii.

That's right, there's a game called Super Pii Pii Brothers for Nintendo Wii that involves wearing a harness, putting your Wii controller into it, and pissing into an video-game toilet. Sometimes on a cat. What, is that like weird to you or something?

Anyway, check out a demo of this creepy Japanese, crotch-fest after the jump.

NSFW Video of the Day: "Japanese girls f*cked while playing Wii"

Bryan Christian — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 21:48:00 GMT

We don't normally link directly to a porn site like YouPorn, but holy smoke, we just had to share this with you. Japanese porn is a thing all its own, what with its res-ed out genitals and boundless enthusiasm for high-pitched, seemingly pained squealing -- but this catchily titled video goes well above and beyond the standard level of craziness for J-porn. For one thing, you never see the fuck-er, he's just a persistent presense with two hands and an Atari johnson. For another, it manages to shoehorn an entirely separate Japanese obsession into the fun: video games. Which is brilliant, in its way. It's like watching a tea ceremony devoted to the stars of basebaru!

However, we do have to call a tiny foul. We're not entirely sure that these gals are actually playing Wii Tennis the whole time they're getting f'd. Oh, sure, we see 'em swinging their Wii Remotes, and we hear the balls going back and forth (as it were). But seriously: we've never, ever, in the year and change since the Wii came out, ever seen a game of Wii Tennis this un-animated. If this were us, we'd be jumping all around and talking smack and shit. It just doesn't make sense. The eerily disembodied handjobs, we'd be cool with. But this lethargic mode of playing Wii Tennis... that's just downright creepy.

Click here to view "Japanese girls f*cked while playing Wii."

[via Fleshbot]

Dear Nintendo Wii: Happy Birthday, You Old Homewrecker You!

Bryan Christian — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 14:15:00 GMT

Monday was the Nintendo Wii's first birthday! What did you get yours? We know what Go Nintendo reader "Tony" gave his Wii: a massive guilt trip for ruining his marriage. Seems that "Tony" got back from Iraq to find something he wasn't expecting on his Wii's Mii Channel (a.k.a., the place where your personalized Wii characters live), something that confirmed rumors he'd been hearing about his wife and an unnamed sports figure.

It’s a guy strikingly similar to PBA Bowler *name deleted*. To be sure of this, I went into the Wil Message Board and click on the Calendar option. Through this menu I was able to identify the many nights my wife’s Mii and this ‘other’ Mii Character played Wii Bowling. It became clearly obvious that she couldn’t explain her way out of this.

Here's the best part about all this: somewhere out there, there's a pro bowler who's getting into girls pants with his video game skills. What, polos and the promise of remarkable finger strength weren't cutting it?

[Via GamePro and Gizmodo]