Scanner : On Our To-Do List: Javier Bardem

John Conyers: On Our To Do List

Katie Halper — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:00:00 GMT

John Conyers is one sexy beast of a congressman. This civil rights activist is a rainbow lover and shows much love for Americans, Albanians and the people of Darfur. Conyers speaks the universal language of love and his website whispers sweet ~~nothings~~ significant things in English, Arabic and Spanish. The Congressman is a giver-- not a taker, who would love to spoil you, the American people, rotten. He wants to lavish you in health care coverage. And he's going to give you tips on avoiding uncomfortable premature housing ejaculation. This "congressman with benefits" is all about getting you benefits. His long, righteous voting record shows how much he loves women and jazz, a killer combo.

The Congressman knows how to spice things up, play rough, and give tit for tat. Watch a coy Conyers humiliate a bodacious blond after the jump.

The congressman has so much love, it's no surprise that he was the one who introduced the bill to make MLK Day a federal holiday. When Conyers criticized McCain for waiting 25 years to apologize for opposing MLK Day, an MSNBC anchor said, "silly, old, angry, black congressman. Don't you know that McCaine apologized for opposing MLK day! Or are you too old to hear or see that?" (I paraphrase)

The insatiable Conyers responded by tearing McCain a new one and teasing the anchor, all the while maintaining his composure and debonair, dapper, glasses-in-mouth demeanor:

Well look. I’m happy. That was in 1983, he didn’t make any apology, he didn’t make any apologies in 1987, so I guess I’m thrilled and forgiving that finally when he’s running for President he remembers to apologize. No, that’s great.

Congressman Conyers gave it hard and rough to McCain. So we have no choice but to give Conyers the props he deserves by putting him on our "To Do" List.

Preliminary Results On "Who Would You Rather": DD Lewis vs. Bardem

Katie Halper — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 16:02:00 GMT

Yesterday, we opened the floor to debate the Bardem-Lewis European 2008 Oscar-winning Ratherability Act, asking Scanner readers to vote on "who they would rather": Javier Bardem or Daniel Day Lewis. As of Friday morning, the Scanners voted overwhelmingly (11 to 2) that they "would rather" Javier. We have drafted the following Bardem Resolution for your consideration.

The Bardem Resolution

Whereas Scanner has the authority to deem persons Ratherable;

Whereas Scanner has the authority to name persons on its "To-Do List"

Whereas Javier Bardem was so named on February 26, 2008

Now, therefore, be it resolved by the Scanner-readers assembled, that we would rather have Javier Bardem over Daniel Day Lewis. Let it further be resolved that we would rather:

a) have Javier Bardem's Huevos de oro in Between ~~Your~~ Our Legs and up against our Live Flesh

b) have his Jamón, jamón in our Sea Inside

c) that he give us Mouth to Mouth, if so requested

d) and that he provide us with Ecstasy, and Not Love, Just Frenzy until ~~Before~~ After Night Falls.

All those in favor, say Ay (Díos Mío)

Scanner-Reader-Inspired "Who Would You Rather": DD Lewis vs. Bardem

Katie Halper — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 21:30:00 GMT

The People have spoken. Or the Scanner-readers have commented. In response to Tuesday's On Our To-Do List: Javier Bardem post, Andrea Gorenstein, an engaged Scanner citizen, exercised her blog-given rights, and sparked a healthy debate, writing: "Just waiting for a 'who would you rather' Day-Lewis vs. Bardem!"

Well, we at Scanner know that this kind of Gorensteinian civic participation strengthens our Scannerocracy. So we now open the blogging floor to debate the Bardem-Lewis European 2008 Oscar-winning Ratherability Act. Speak up readers! Or forever hold your comments.