Scanner : R Kelly

Sloppy Seconds: Ellen Degeneres is on the Prowl

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:15:00 GMT

Ellen Degeneres is set on finding Anne Hathaway a new boyfriend. Um, can she find us one while she's at it? [People]

Oh! R. Kelly was married? Could have fooled us. [Us]

What did Martha Stewart say when she walked in on some lesbians having sex in prison? [DailyIntel]

We love this new PlanB commercial. Conservatives? Not so much. [AdAge]

Aaaaaaand the guy who lost the Minnesota state Senate seat is suing him. [Radar]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Secret Celebrity Weddings... Who Done It?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 23:12:00 GMT

Fox News just got a little less liberal. (Bet you didn't know that was possible.) Hannity and Colmes will now just be, um, Hannity. [Yahoo]

Dr. Pepper was giving away free soda to celebrate the release of Guns 'N Roses' long-anticipated Chinese Democracy. Apparently, though, the high demand for free drinks crashed the beverage makers' website, leaving rock fans everywhere thirsty and disappointed. [Vulture]

Did you know Jason Lee was married? Neither did we. [Us]

Who else got secretly married?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. As if you care. Sorry. [People]

R. Kelly's nephew has been charged with attempted murder after a brawl in a barbershop. [MTV]

Was John McCain the only one who didn't know "suspending" his campaign was a terrible idea? Scanner Brian totally called it. [Political Wire]

Sloppy Seconds: Why is This Girl So Happy?

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 21:04:00 GMT

Just in case you were wondering, R. Kelly is not interested in "anyone illegal." [Yahoo!]

And Brad and Angelina have not split up. [Us]

Sarah Palin has canceled her two-day tour of California. Apparently it's a "scheduling issue." [SFGate]

After humping a monitor, Madonna fell over during a live performance. At least we think it's Madonna. [dListed]

Please, please tell us how we can get into the country musicians' retirement community. We do play in a country band. Does that count as being part of "the industry?" [People]

Okay, the girl pictured above isn't smiling. But we imagine it's the best she can muster. Anyway, she's smiling inside because goth will never die! [NYT]

Sloppy Seconds: Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's Rock Star Performance

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:04:00 GMT

This is not a joke or a rumor we're trying to start about Sarah Palin, but apparently her personal email account (that she used to conduct government business) has been hacked. [techPresident]

Is it bad to laugh at this headline? [Naked Man Running Through Traffic Dies]

Okay, but we can laugh at this one, right? [R. Kelly says he was betrayed during porn probe]

Whatever you do, do not send Brokeback Mountain author Annie Proulx your happy endings. [Defamer]

Dane Cook has five sisters and he's still a douche. Interesting. [People]

Think what you will about her intelligence, style and talent, but Jessica Simpson's new album debuted at the top of the Billboard country chart. [Us]

Finally! We'll learn a little something about Carrie Bradshaw before she made her way to (and in) the Big Apple. [FadedYouth]

Scarlett Johansson would like you to recycle your old cell phone. Um, okay! [TeamSugar]

FLWLF (First Lady We'd Like to Fuck), Carla Bruni-Sarkozy rocked out with The Kings of Leon and Metallica on the BBC. [Yahoo!]

Breaking News: R. Kelly Acquitted of Turning Young Girl's Face into a Toilet Seat

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 19:28:00 GMT

The jury acquitted R. Kelly of child pornography charges after 7.5 hours of deliberation. It was the mole--or lack thereof--that got him off! That mole will now join OJ's black glove in the celebrity trial evidence hall of fame.

In honor of the verdict, we've embedded the video below in which Chappelle eloquently explains what it would take to prove beyond a reasonable doubt it was R. Kelly in that sex tape. He also mentions that Michael Jackson has to be innocent because "he made Thriller." It's an oldie, but timley as hell. Plus it makes us miss Chappelle's Show more than ever. We're suprised the defense didn't call Dave Chappelle to the stand, but it looks like they didn't need to.

Sloppy Seconds: How Christina Will Maintain Her Ginormous Breasts

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:12:00 GMT

We enjoyed Courtney Cox's show Dirt, the few times we saw it. Too bad, though, it's been canceled. [Fox News]

Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are doing just fine, thank you very much. [Us]

Yes, showing your dick in the "Sex and the City" movie sure will open a lot of doors — in your career, of course.. [Yahoo!]

Raising a baby chimp might actually be a good way to figure out if you really want kids. [Telegraph]

Diddy—who might like to be referred to as Puff Daddy, again and would also like to be the Black Bruce Willis — really wants to meet the Queen of England. [People]

Is that really R. Kelly in the infamous R. Kelly sex tape? (By the way, has anyone actually seen it?) [MTV]

The View might be our favorite show we never watch. The internet clips will do, including this one of Regis Philbin's recent appearance which led to shenanigans on live TV. [MollyGood]

Christina Aguilera plans to breastfeed her son Max until he's two, in order to maintain her E-cup breast size as long as possible. [GabbyBabble]

Sloppy Seconds: Only a Hairy Mole Can Save R. Kelly Now

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Rock pioneer Bo Diddley is dead at 79. What do you mean you "don't know Diddley?" [Us]

Actor Kelsey Grammer suffered a heart attack while paddle boating recently. But it's said to be mild and he should be out of the hospital soon. [FameCrawler]

Tom Cruise has apparently "banned" Victoria Beckham from talking to his wife, Katie Holmes, about dieting. We agree Posh is too skinny, but really? The first time a man "bans" us from doing anything, we'll probably end up in jail. [GabbyBabble]

Hey, why don't you sell some of yourself to get through the recession? We're thinking of selling our pee, but only because we're considering sobriety for the month of June — you know, just to see what it's like. [DivineCaroline]

Angelina Jolie's fake assistant told a fake story to the press about Jolie giving birth last week. Man, if we had even a fake assistant life would be so much easier. [Jossip]

So Brad Pitt is in the hotel design business now... in Dubai, apparently. [People]

Okay, we don't know if it's hairy or not, but really, only R. Kelly's mole (or the lack of it in his alleged sex tape) can save him now. [Yahoo!]

Previously: Rumor Denied: Angelina Jolie

Spoon or Spork: R. Kelly?

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 May 2008 17:41:00 GMT

R. Kelly has been having a rough month. The singer's child pornography trial finally started a few weeks ago and people are already coming out of the woodwork to testify against him. Just yesterday an "expert witness" said there is no way his sex tape could have been faked.

He obviously need some loving right now, but what kind?

Does he just need some good cuddling or could she use a good poke? In other words, spoon or spork? Everyone knows what “spooning” is so we need not repeat the obvious, but “sporking” is a whole other beast. Sporking is a good spooning that turns into a great porking—thus the name.

So if you are of legal age, would you spoon or spork Kelly?

Sloppy Seconds: Are Donna and David Still Married?

Emily Farris — Wed, 28 May 2008 21:56:00 GMT

Wow, we knew Rachael Ray was an obnoxious freak, but a terrorist? [LA Times]

Have we mentioned how screwed R. Kelly is? [MTV]

If we ever get in a fight on the street, we hope we have a box of moon pies readily available to use as a weapon, too. [KansasCity.com]

The good people at Fleshbot would like you to meet Vicktoria, the world's hottest amputee, and so would we. [Fleshbot]

After watching the trailer we want to see "He's Just Not That Into You" more than we want to see the "Sex and the City" movie. Who'da thunk it? [Entertainment Weekly]

Apparently we're the only ones: the SATC movie opened to much hullaballoo last night. [Yahoo!]

Kirsten Dunst claims she checked into Cirque Lodge treatment center for depression, not drugs. Aaaaand, nobody's buying it. [Jossip]

Okay, apparently Tori Spelling really is coming back to 90210.. as... Donna Martin. We imagine David would have dumped her ass by now, but nobody knows! [People]

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Consider Prancing Around in Stripper Shoes to Survive the Recession

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 May 2008 22:01:00 GMT

It was a long, cold winter and nothing says fuck me (and tip me) like a pair of stripper shoes, right?

Highs:

We got to look at naked, bearded, burly men.

We crushed on vegetarians even though we obviously love meat.

We have so many feelings about the new 90210 we're not sure whether it goes in highs or lows.

We cyber-visited the Icelandic Penis Museum.

We looked at some old pictures of Scarlett Johansson.

We learned you really, really love Jon Stewart. And Stephen Colbert, too. Just not as much.

We briefly considered purchasing a pair of stripper shoes.

This woman is probably going to have some seriously swollen breasts—a small price to pay for saving so many lives with them.

Ellen Degeneres very politely made John McCain look like an ass (who really didn't look like he believed in what he was saying, right?)

Lows:

For the first time in our lives, the New Kids on the Block let us down. But only just a little.

Um, did Mike Huckabee encourage shooting Barack Obama?

The Father-Daughter Purity Ball really freaked us out.

Apparently Hulu.com is too pure to allow embedding at Nerve.com.

We learned that R. Kelly's sex tape was set to the tune of the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls.

And that he's probably going to jail.

We're glad we had no part in this date.

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R. Kelly is So Screwed

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 May 2008 16:58:00 GMT

A former back-up singer for R. Kelly broke down in the courtroom yesterday after admitting something that will probably get him sent to jail for a long, long time.

Stephanie "Sparkle" Edwards told those in the room that she was the one to introduce Kelly to his, uh, co-star in the now infamous sex tape. And that the girl most certainly was 12 or 13 at the time.

Kelly and the woman believed to be in the tape with him (who is now 23) have both denied making the tape, but like we've mentioned before if the prosecution can prove it's Kelly and the young woman in the tape, he's so screwed (in prison).

Edwards' testimony seems to help the prosecution in a big way, because like she said, "you just know your family."

[Yahoo!: Former backup singer implicates R. Kelly at trial]

[MTV: R. Kelly's Ex-Protege Sparkle Testifies That Girl On Tape Is Her Niece]

R. Kelly Sex Tape: Set to the Tune of the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 May 2008 15:07:00 GMT

We never saw the R. Kelly sex tape when it made the rounds in 2002, so forgive us if we're a little shocked that it's set to the tune of the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys. Maybe focusing on that is our brain's way of blocking out the rest of it.

The jurors sure did see the tape yesterday, though. And they'll probably have to see it a few more times because it appears the only way Kelly is going to get off in this case is if the jury decides it's not him in the tape.

Anyway, for those of you lucky enough to have not witnessed it, here's what a jury of 12 of Kelly's peers were forced to endure yesterday:

The roughly 27-minute homemade video shows a man having sex with a young female, who is naked for most of the recording — except for a necklace with a cross dangling from it.

At the start of the videotape, the man hands the female money and she mouths the words, "Thank you." She is often blank-faced, impassive. The man speaks to the female in a hushed, monotone voice, and she calls him "Daddy."

Songs from the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys blare from a radio. The female dances — the man out of view. Back in view, he has sex with her. The man walks up to the camera to adjust it a few times, but his face is often obscured.

As she dances, the female urinates on the floor. Near the end of the video, the man urinates on the female.

Okay, the peeing we almost get (almost, we said...but we hope the floor wasn't carpeted!) but the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls?

Maybe she really was 13, because when we were around that age we decided that we would someday lose our virginity in a candle-filled room with the Girls' "2 Become 1" playing in our purple CD player. If only it would have been like that and not to our manager at Just For Feet (the world's largest athletic shoe store) in his apartment behind the bowling alley.

[Yahoo!: Sex tape shown to jurors, court in R. Kelly Trial]

I Can't Serve on R. Kelly's Jury Because I Believe I Can Fly

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 20:23:00 GMT

Is anyone surprised that the judges in R. Kelly's child pornography case had a really, really hard time finding 12 people to sit on the jury? Especially when so many Chicago residents "heart R. Kelly" or support changing the age of consent?

We can't imagine who wouldn't want to sit on this jury, but some people did not. In fact, they came up with some pretty good excuses, including claiming to be a fan of the accused:

"I (heart) R. Kelly."

Nothing gets prospective jurors booted faster than telling the prosecution they are a fan of Kelly's. Just ask the woman who called him a "musical genius." When prodded to say something negative about Kelly, the best she could come up with was: "He and [rapper] Jay-Z don't get along?" Prosecutors bounced her soon after.

The next best way to get out of jury duty is suggest changing the age of consent to puberty:

"I would change the age of consent."
Two who were kicked off offered this philosophy, one going so far as to suggest that "nature already had an age of [sexual] consent: puberty."

If all else fails:

"Please call my mom."

When one juror failed to show up for service, deputies called his house and his mother answered. She told the court that she didn't know where her son was and that he hadn't been "right" since he was shot in the head a while back. The judge and attorneys agreed to let him off the hook.

Even though they apparently have 12 jurors and two alternates, this trial is never happening, is it? And let's face it, if R. Kelly goes to jail we won't get any more Sex in the Kitchen for a long, long time. Are you ready for that reality? We're not.

[Chicago Tribune: Jury now has 12 members, 2 alternates]

[Previously: We'd Give Our Left Nut for a Seat on R. Kelly's Jury, If We Had Nuts]

We'd Give Our Left Nut for a Seat on R. Kelly's Jury, If We Had Nuts

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:22:00 GMT

Jury selection began for R. Kelly's child pornography case Friday and continues today, and if we had nuts, we'd give our left one for one of those twelve seats. Maybe Scanner Brian or Scanner Bryan would give Scanner Emily a nut so she could sit on the jury? Guys?

Anyway, Kelly's high profile case is obviously making jury selection tough, and as the wise folks at MTV noted, can there possibly be a group of 12 men and women in Chicago who are impartial enough to give the singer a fair trial?

"You either have to say, 'R. Kelly can never get a fair trial here,' or 'R. Kelly can get a fair trial, given the continuing publicity,' " said California defense attorney Steve Cron. "Because when will you ever not have some publicity? It's never going to go away."

Since Kelly is one of Chicago's favorite sons, it's going to be difficult for either side to find anyone unfamiliar with the case. They'd have to be "living under a rock," said Cron, who defended comedian Paula Poundstone on charges of lewd acts on a minor. What they can hope for, however, is to find potential jurors who have not yet made up their mind. Legal experts agree that there really is no such thing as an impartial jury — that every prospective juror brings to the table his or her own biases. The question then becomes: What kind of jurors would each side want? It's not quite as black-and-white as you might think.

"What makes for good TV is if we say, 'We want black,' 'We want white,' 'We want men,' 'We want women,' " Chicago jury consultant and defense attorney Paul Lisnek said. "And those factors do come into play, but what we have to look at is life experience. That's what's going to influence the way they respond to the evidence in the case, not just whether they are of one race or one religion or another. The bottom line is, cases like this trigger certain underlying issues, deep issues about racial prejudice and underage sexual relations."

What if we looked at this a different way? A jury is supposed to be a panel of "peers," right? So what if the jury was made up of celebrities? Paula Poundstone who's been through this before? Maybe a star who's never been in trouble with the law, like Natalie Portman? Lilo? Jamie Lynn Spears if she was old enough to serve jury duty? To keep it balanced would Nancy Grace have sit in?

If you could choose a celebrity jury for R. Kelly, what 12 stars would you choose?

R. Kelly Will Have a Worse Today Than You, Guaranteed

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:01:00 GMT

Ok, we can almost guarantee that R. Kelly will have a worse day than you, because after six long years of putting it off for this reason or that closet, his child pornography trial will supposedly begin today, as scheduled. But would you believe us if we told you he tried to delay it, yet again?

Because he did. His lawyers claimed that there was already too much media attention surrounding the trial:

Kelly's defense team hopes the judge will delay the proceedings based on their contention that recent news coverage has made it impossible for the singer to have a fair trial. In a sealed motion filed Wednesday, Kelly's attorneys cite weekend stories describing closed-door hearings in which Cook County Judge Vincent Gaughan ruled a woman could testify to having had a three-way sexual encounter with Kelly and the alleged victim in the video tape.

R. (is it okay if we call you "R?"), when the going gets tough, just remember that you can do anything you put your mind to. Plus, it's Friday and think of all the kinky kitchen sex you can get in between tonight and Monday.

P.S. We totally sang that in our high school chamber choir.

[Chicago Tribune: After nearly six years, R. Kelly child pornography trial seems like a go]

R. Kelly Wants to Know if You're Tight

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:16:00 GMT

With his child pornography trial finally set to begin in Chicago tomorrow, R. Kelly is distracting himself with more important things, like his new single "Hair Braider" and dedicating the splash page of his website to some tight-ass hair braids. Needless to say, he wants your pictures.

R. Kelly asked people to upload pictures of their braids to his site. But so far the gallery is lots of women (and a few men) with hair as straight as ours and no braids, who, for some reason, really want to be judged harshly at r-kelly.com.

But there are some nice braids in there, too (mostly dudes)—even some tight ones, just the way R. Kelly likes them.

Also, did someone upload a picture of his mom as a joke? Because we don't think this lady would actually upload a picture of herself to R. Kelly's website.

[R. Kelly]

Who Would You Rather: R. Kelly vs. The Maytag Repair Man

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 May 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Kind of arbitrary, we know, but we're just asking...

Sloppy Seconds: In Which Men Everywhere Mourn a Great Loss

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:01:00 GMT

After experiencing chest pains, Courtney Love was admitted to the hospital for "strep throat." [StarPulse]

Okay, seriously: why does Suri Curise have to be so freaking cute? [FameCrawler]

The term "illegal three way" kind-of sounds like "illegal u-turn" until you add R. Kelly to the mix. [Celebrity Dirt]

Hot or not? Pink and her apparent new BFF Bai Ling went frolicking on the beach in their bikinis. [Hollywood Tuna]

If this picture is proof that Reese Witherspoon is pregnant, then we're expecting triplets. [dListed]

"Redneck Woman" Gretchen Wilson finally got her GED, more fun, however is this URL. [GabbyBabble]

Forgetting for a moment that you probably never had a chance with her, and that she can't really sing, we'll allow you briefly to mourn the fact that Scarlett Johansson is officially off the market. Now snap out of it and go make her and Ryan Reynolds a creepy wedding gift out of macaroni noodles painted gold. [Yahoo!]

The Best and Worst of R. Kelly in a Single Live Performance Clip

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 05 May 2008 21:35:00 GMT

Here is yet another installment of R. Kelly's descent into total madness. In this video, we like that R. Kelly improvised a remix to "Sex in the Kitchen" during this live performance. We even like that the ladies seem to really love R. But then came the air humping, and the slurping, and now we just feel dirty.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jenna Jameson Moving from Porn to Politics?

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Soccer moms across America would drunkenly make out with Jackie from Bravo's "Work Out." You know, if they had to choose a lady to make out with. [Fleshbot]

If you are one of those moms and would like to see Jackie's digitally-enhanced nipples, go here. [CityRag]

There are so, so many things wrong with the idea of R. Kelly remixing a Mariah Carey track. So, so many. [MTV]

Jude Law is losing his hair. He is still hot as hell. If not hotter. Little Jude is growing up. [FameCrawler]

No, Jenna Jameson isn't runnung for office (sorry), but she is dipping her toes in the political waters, or so she thinks. [GabbyBabble]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Christmas Slacker Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:01:00 GMT

It was a slow week here at Scanner, what with the Nerve Holiday Gift Guide coming to an abrupt stop and Scanner Emily stuck first in an airport, then in Christian County with a bad internet connection. But, hey, we learned some very important things about R. Kelly, ourselves, and unfortunately, our families.

Highs:

We found a way to make some quick cash.

More "high" than "highs," but this guy.

Someone with more time on his hands than us rounded up R. Kelly's greatest metaphors.

Lows:

We found out our mom is way sluttier than we are.

Uh oh. The Catholic high school girls got into some trouble. And we watched.

In the Closet: R. Kelly's Greatest Metaphors

Emily Farris — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 16:37:00 GMT

We're not going to lie: we have yet to see "Trapped in the Closet." We know it would be life-changing and we're not sure if we're quite ready for all that would follow after looking so deeply into the psyche of the man who is R. Kelly. But someone who can handle such things has rounded up R. Kelly's greatest metaphors, including, but not limited to "Sex Planet" (from Double Up, 2007):

"Now it's just us both/I've got the controls in the middle of darkness/Girl, relax and just flow/I'm about to twinkle it and touch your soul/Once I enter into your black hole/Girl, now that you're next to me, we'll be just like satellites/Watching over the Earth, we'll make space our paradise/Girl, I promise this will be painless/We'll take a trip to planet Uranus."

Yes, let's all go on a mission to planet Uranus, shall we?

Broward-Palm Beach: Sex and the Ditty

R. Kelly to Make Scanner Emily's Birthday a Super Special One

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 17:37:00 GMT

We know it's a little early to start thinking about our birthday, but when R. Kelly's child pornography trial is set to begin on the 26th year of the day we were born, how can we not get a little excited?

P.S. We lost our case of vibrators in our last move (they got left on the street so we hope some less fortunate person is enjoying them but had the good sense to sanitize them), so it's not really too early for you to start thinking about our birthday, either.

MTV News: R. Kelly Child-Pornography Trial To Begin May 9

What's That Smell?

April Peveteaux — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 20:00:00 GMT

Perhaps you’ve already heard Riskay’s smooth hip-hop jam and obvious solution to catching your philandering fella in the act, Smell Yo Dick.

This is not the first time in the history of this musical genre when the laughter stops and you discover it’s not meant to be ironic, and will in fact sell a zillion records. And as long as R. Kelly is recording, it will not be the last. The thing is, this little ditty has been stuck in my head all day and it’s not entirely unlike the first time I heard much lauded pop star Rihanna’s ode to infidelity. So get ready Riskay, because I smell bidding war! Or maybe that’s just dick.