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John Conyers: On Our To Do List

Katie Halper — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:00:00 GMT

John Conyers is one sexy beast of a congressman. This civil rights activist is a rainbow lover and shows much love for Americans, Albanians and the people of Darfur. Conyers speaks the universal language of love and his website whispers sweet ~~nothings~~ significant things in English, Arabic and Spanish. The Congressman is a giver-- not a taker, who would love to spoil you, the American people, rotten. He wants to lavish you in health care coverage. And he's going to give you tips on avoiding uncomfortable premature housing ejaculation. This "congressman with benefits" is all about getting you benefits. His long, righteous voting record shows how much he loves women and jazz, a killer combo.

The Congressman knows how to spice things up, play rough, and give tit for tat. Watch a coy Conyers humiliate a bodacious blond after the jump.

The congressman has so much love, it's no surprise that he was the one who introduced the bill to make MLK Day a federal holiday. When Conyers criticized McCain for waiting 25 years to apologize for opposing MLK Day, an MSNBC anchor said, "silly, old, angry, black congressman. Don't you know that McCaine apologized for opposing MLK day! Or are you too old to hear or see that?" (I paraphrase)

The insatiable Conyers responded by tearing McCain a new one and teasing the anchor, all the while maintaining his composure and debonair, dapper, glasses-in-mouth demeanor:

Well look. I’m happy. That was in 1983, he didn’t make any apology, he didn’t make any apologies in 1987, so I guess I’m thrilled and forgiving that finally when he’s running for President he remembers to apologize. No, that’s great.

Congressman Conyers gave it hard and rough to McCain. So we have no choice but to give Conyers the props he deserves by putting him on our "To Do" List.

On Our To-Do List: Fidel Castro

Katie Halper — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:32:00 GMT

Fidel Castro may be stepping down, but he's still standing erect. Whether you love him or hate him, we can all agree on one thing about Castro: El Jefe Has Got STAMINA. His speeches go on for hours and hours. His long, thick cigar is always lit. His revolution is constant and anything but predictable. And he ruled Cuba hard and firm for half a century, only stopping to come up for air and let his kid brother have his way with her.

On top of that, the insatiable, unbeatable, unstoppable Castro keeps going and going and going, in spite of his age and at least eight confirmed assassination attempts on his life. And let's be honest, when multiple U.S. presidents and CIA and FBI officials obsess over ways to eliminate the leader of an island the size of Pennsylvania, and aim many of their covert operations at said leader's cigar, it can only mean one thing: penis envy. Which is why Fidel Castro may be out of office. But he is On Our To-Do List.

[Previously on Scanner: Who Would You Rather Deluxe Edition: Fidel Castro or George W. Bush Then and Now?]

[Previously on Scanner: Your Talking Points: Fidel Castro Retires]

On Our To-Do List: Charles Barkley

Katie Halper — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:07:00 GMT

We're totally, full-court press, crushing on Charles Barkley after hearing him slam the Christian Right for being fake and hypocritical on CNN. Like so many crushes, Charles had us at "[Conservative] Christians... they're not supposed to judge other people, but they're the most hypocritical judge of people we have in this country." And hearing Charles say "I feel very comfortable saying I'm pro-choice and I'm for gay marriage" made us feel very hot and bothered. In case you're reading this, Mr. Barkley, we just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to drive us to the basket, box us out or double team us, we wouldn't call a flagrant foul.

Until somebody can really answer the question WWJD, we'll just live by this golden rule: WWCBD ("What Would Charles Barkley Do"). Hopefully we are on his "Who Would Charles Barkley Do" List. But either way, Charles Barkley is on the top of our To-Do List.