Scanner : Us Weekly

It's Not Looking Good for Jon and Kate

Colleen Kane — Wed, 06 May 2009 16:30:00 GMT

Today in rumor mongering, an update on the possible infidelity of Jon Gosselin, the TLC reality TV dad of eight who may have decided eight was enough. As mentioned on Scanner last week, he's been seen about town with a young woman who is not his wife. Now Us Weekly has a cover story with the headline "Jon & Kate: Affair With a Teacher."

The alleged other woman is Deanna Hummel, a 25-year-old teacher who lives with her brother. And this brother, Jason, apparently sold her out to Us in the guise of helping her out of this situation.

"He [Jon] is a bad liar. This isn’t healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air.”

He goes on to say, “A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who’s, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast.”

For one thing, bro, he's seven years older, not exactly twice her age. But for another, isn't that a sign of the times? He's helping her by airing her dirty laundry to a tabloid magazine.

Nast.

Related:

Jon and Kate Plus 8, Minus 1?

Crazy Baby Lady Skips Welfare, Goes Straight to TV

Verrry Sloppy Seconds: Because We'd Rather be Drinking and You Know It

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 23:06:00 GMT

We're not going to lie: in case you haven't noticed, the Scanner crew is totally slacking off this week. Sure, we're "networking" and spreading the fire-crotch and brimstone gospel of Scanner across the great state of Texas. But, honestly, after an intense and tiring game of forced couch surfing, drinking too much and recovering from drinking too much, the last thing we want to do is sit down in front of a computer while we watch everyone around us get to continue to drink too much. But we're doing it, a little, because we love you. Next week we'll be back to our real lives, our significant others (well, Scanner Colleen will be, anyway) our pets and far too many hours spent in front of our computers or curled up on the toilet with the lastest Us Weekly. For now, though, let us talk a little too much about South by Southwest and forget the fact that we should be unhealthily concerned with who gave who The Herp. (And if we should have written "who gave whom The Herp.")

Until then, please enjoy this video of George Clooney drunk video blogging.

Damn, a few more and he could have put himself in the running to replace The Hoff as our avatar.

Related:

George Clooney Googles Himself and Then Watches 2 Girls 1 Cup

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

#notatsxsw

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Sloppy Seconds: The 69-Year-Old Pinup Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:36:00 GMT

The adults at one Georgia Middle School have found a way around the no-sex-on-the-job rule: just set up an inflatable mattress in an unused room.

Bush used to be a drunk, as we all know, but now he isn't afraid to talk about it. This guy has nothing left to lose-- he's more dangerous than ever.

The stars are coming out for Obama's inaugural...

Anne Hathaway, Susan Sarandon, Marcia Cross, Tim Robbins, Seal, Adrian Grenier, Ashley Judd, Jane Krakowski, Rachael Leigh Cook, Blair Underwood and directors Spike Lee and Ron Howard are confirmed. And that's just a partial list of the hosts for an unofficial inaugural ball.

Elvis Costello is the headliner and rock stars Sting and Sam Moore will also appear, according to The Creative Coalition. The ball is a fundraising event for the nonprofit arts and entertainment advocacy group.

The event will kick off in Washington's Harman Center of the Arts the night of Jan. 20, when Obama is sworn is as the nation's 44th president. Musical guests are scheduled to perform until midnight.

As if you needed a reason to stop buying a shitty magazine like Us Weekly.

If there really is such a thing as the "liberal media," why is this story about the Head of Homeland Security hiring illegal immigrants only on Daily Kos?

Is the Governor of Ilinois innocent? Of course not, but he may not be found guilty either, if you listen to these kooky law professors.

92% of women masturbate. Yep, this is a very big news day.

Amy Adams, if you didn't enjoy your first marriage proposal, we'll gladly show you how its done.

And is this guy real or Photoshopped to death? He looks like a bad Jenny Craig ad personified. Metro UK seems to think he's the real deal: a 69-year-old buff mofo.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Frisky's Ten Best Male Nude Scenes List

What's It Like Having Sex With Leonardo DiCaprio?

Rice University's Sex Magazine A Slap in the Face to Houston Elite

Rod Blagojevich On The Daily Show: "I'm Positive [I'm Not Gay]!"

Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:43:00 GMT

You ever hear a friend raving and drooling about a celebrity that you check out and say, "Why the hell are you attracted to that person?" (Fess up, Backstreet Boys anti-fans.)

Sometimes it's the media trying to make a hottie out of a starlet or reality show contestant forced on them by an overworked publicist. Or it's a massively successful makeup team turning a Plain Jane/Joe into a model so that the readers of Us Weekly can reassure themselves that they, too, can be prince(sse)s.

First up: the Ladies Edition.

5. Ivanka Trump. The fact that she's even related to the Donald is strike one-- strike two are the similar features to him, which is too creepy for us. Nonetheless, she's classy, self-assured, and apparently without a monstrous ego, which is more than we can say for most people.

4. Angie Stone. Great singer, looks snazzy in a hat, and her music doesn't depress the shit out of us. That's all gotta account for something. But, as with the rest of these choices, we can't decide whether she's attractive or not.

3. Mariah Carey. This would've been a no-brainer if we'd showed a screenshot of her video for the "Fantasy" single (maybe it's being brought up on The Dukes of Hazzard, but we've always had a thing for jean shorts and short shorts), but nowadays, with the fake boobs, terrible movies, and the other fiascos, we're not feelin' it anymore...

2. Nicky Hilton. We're learning toward the "not" on the "Hot or Not" scale of things, but it does help that she has beautiful eyes and is not her sister in almost every imaginable way, which probably makes her more appealing than she would be otherwise.

1. Alanis Morrisette. How many times have you gone out with someone and kept it going because you thought the person was an awesome conversationalist and you didn't want to lose that? That's the likely predicament we'd find ourselves in if we ever ended up dating Alanis-- she's well-read, world weary, and able to hold her own over a couple of vodka cranberry's until the wee hours... which may be why we'd rather best friend her than anything else. (Con: She dated Ryan Reynolds. Ouch.)

(P.S. We didn't include Britney Spears on this list because there's no question that she is not currently appealing on any level.)

What do you think? Are we crazy for not wanting to get it on with all these very pretty women? And who did we miss?

Top photo (of Charlize Theron) via Esquire. By the way, in case you were wondering, Charlize Theron is unquestionably hot.

Related:

Fake Shakespearean Actors Stage Colin Farrell Sex Tape

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

How The World Watches Porn Now

Hot or Not? Heidi Klum's Got Milk Ad

Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

Who Wore it Better: Kate Hudson vs. Suri Cruise?

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:59:00 GMT

Okay, okay, we know this isn't a baby blog, but we're a little obsessed with Suri Cruise's cuteness. She almost makes us want to bang a self-involved Scientologist nut job—but only if we could be guaranteed a little one as adorable as Suri. And you have to admit it's kind-of hilarious that she's trotting around the city in practically the same dress as as an adult actress.

[Via FadedYouth]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

Sloppy Seconds: Pretty Young Things

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

Rumor Mongering: Did Justin Timberlake Impregnate Kate Hudson?

While You Were Sleeping: The Heath Ledger Investigation

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Nick Nolte's house has $3 million worth of damage after a fire ripped through his estate on Tuesday. Guess it can suck to be wealthy. [Us]

Ashlee Simpson dressed up like her big sister Jessica when celebrating her 24th birthday. "Ashlee wore Daisy Dukes and platform flip-flops with a bathing suit and a fake tattoo around her belly." [People]

Female Australian sumo wrestlers? Yes! [Daily Mail]

Former Us editor Bonnie Fuller is just like us, she has quite a bit to say about the election, too. [Jossip]

Tina Fey has signed a supposedly $6 million book deal with Little, Brown for a humor-based memoir. [INF]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Barack Obama will be back on Saturday Night Live. Dear God, please, please, please let him play Sarah Palin. Nude. [Us]

And apparently now that Obama is involved, SNL is a "cult" Comedy Show. Who knew? [Yahoo!]

It seems that recently-divorced Pink is the latest victim of Scientology. [Yeeeah]

Just one day after Kanye West's outburst with the paparazzi that led to his arrest, he would like you to know he's totes cool with the paps. [People]

How are the McCain's like a drag queen? Why they stuff the "bad" bits (read: adopted Bangladeshi daughter) away. We didn't even know they had an adopted Bangladeshi daughter, did you? [Queerty]

We agree; Us Weekly's list of the top 25 most stylish New Yorkers is whack. [MollyGood]

According to the ever-reputable New York Post, Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are as good as engaged. We better get an invite. We have a dress we've been dying to wear to a wedding. [NYP]

Lindsay Lohan Takes Time Out of Her Busy Day to Remind Us It's 9/11

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:07:00 GMT

We'd almost forgotten that today is the seven-year anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center... otherwise known as the cringe-worthy phrase "nine-eleven." Actually, we tried to forget, not that we can get too far away from it. And it's not so much that we want to forget what happened, as that we want to avoid interacting with people who like to take pictures of "Ground Zero" and wear "We'll Never Forget" t-shirts. Unfortunately, we have Us Weekly and Lindsay Lohan (and Sam Ronson, too!) to remind us.

“I am in New York and I would like to remind everybody to take a moment today for those lost in tragedy that occurred on 9/11/01," Lohan blogs.

Ronson adds that "waking up in NYC this morning, seven years later ... feels like just yesterday this city and our worlds were turned upside down."

Ronson recalls what it was like witnessing the attacks.

"Never in my lifetime had I ever believed that I would see such horror - the kind that you see in documentaries set in far off places and read about in text books," she writes.

"Never in my life had I ever thought that I would wake up and fall asleep afraid, watching things on television that felt like a film, walking through a city that felt like a war zone," she goes on.

Adds Ronson, "There were army vehicles on Houston Street, barricades dividing neighborhoods and lines around the block of people waiting to donate blood -- set in front of a backdrop of smoke, filling a space where two of the largest buildings once stood.

"Two buildings that shaped one of the most famous skylines in this country, or in the world... seven years later, and I will never forget," she writes.

"I don’t really know what to say," she says. "To all those we lost, we will never forget, and never take for granted, the sacrifices that you made."

Well, if Lilo and Sam have to talk to Us Weekly about 9/11, we guess that was as good a way as any to do it.

[Us Weekly: Lindsay Lohan Remembers 9/11]

[NYT: The Ceremony at Ground Zero]

Related:

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: "A Lovely Couple"

This Week In Gayness: Sam Ronson's Gay Tell-All About Lindsay?

Sam and Lilo Sittin' in a Tattoo Parlor... I.N.K.I.N.G.

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Sloppy Seconds: And Just How Will Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Make a Baby?

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 May 2008 15:09:00 GMT

We were going to do something very cheesy — put quotation marks around that "out" in the subject line — but if what Michael Lohan says is true, his daughter's relationship with Samantha Ronson is "evident to anyone with half a brain." And if he's right, those aren't peace signs Ronson and Lilo are flashing.

Okay, maybe they are peace signs, but wouldn't it be more fun if they weren't?

There's been lots of speculation that Lindsay Lohan and D.J. Samantha Ronson's relationship might be more than platonic, and we've mostly ignored the gossip, because like we've mentioned before, as long as she's found love, we're happy for her one way or the other.

But Daddy Lohan wouldn't miss an opportunity to get his name in Us Weekly, and then make himself sound like the great father we all know he is.

Days after photos of them nuzzling necks in Cannes, France, surfaced, he tells Usmagazine.com their romance "is evident to anyone with half a brain."

Still, he adds, "Just like the [topless] Marilyn Monroe spread, Linds is my daughter and there are just some things a father doesn't want to see or hear, regardless of whether they are true or false." (See more spring flings.)

His daughter, 21, "is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God."

Michael — who volunteers for a Christian-based rehab organization — couldn't help but take a swipe at his ex Dina (who just debuted her new E! reality show).

"Maybe her mother's life revolves around the tabloids and reports, but mine doesn't," Michael says. "I am into setting a good example and doing good things that don't deceive or exploit my kids.

"But I will say this: While we were a family, you never even saw or heard a negative thing about any of us.

Okay, new idea for a reality show: Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan locked in a padded room with only three year's worth of Us Weekly and a wooden spoon each. They'll paper-cut and spoon each other to death. Then the winner can rub the spoons together to make fire when it's time to eat. Wouldn't it be fun?

[Us: Michael Lohan: Lindsay, Sam's Romance "Evident to Anyone With Half a Brain"]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Kevin Federline Got Fat, If That's Really Kevin Federline

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 22:14:00 GMT

US Weekly is reporting that Kevin Federline got fat, based on a picture of a dude who is very obviously not Kevin Federline.

Bjork made Chinese fans at a concert in Shanghai a little uncomfortable by shouting "Tibet! Tibet!" at the end of her song, "Declare Independence."

Not that we're entitled or anything, but we could use a weekly massage a lot more than Jennifer Lopez's new born twins. What do they have to be stressed out about, anyway? They have 600-thread-count sheets and fucking ponies.

Reducing time spent in front of the television makes children healthier and "less fat." You don't say?

Isn't it about time "American Idol" just turns into a strip competion? Are we over the singing part yet?

A scout for the Boston Red Sox was caught masturbating in a hotel room that overlooked a pool where teenage girls were swimming. We're going to assume he had the curtains open or something, because when one can no longer masturbate in a hotel room, what's the point of living?

Tom Cruise Likes Katie Holmes in a Suit..Oh, Right, and "a Mini"

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:21:00 GMT

There's no need for us to point out the obvious joke here, so we're going to focus on what's always been our problem with this coupling: all Katie ever says in the press is "la, la, I'm so happy, we're so in love, he makes me blush, I love him, we love us, we love, love, love, love." Now, we were too busy watching "Dawson's Creek" in the nineties to actually pay any attention to what Katie said in interviews, but we'd like to hope there was more going on with her. Or maybe we just thought she was as smart as Joey. Sigh.

Is US Weekly Being Sexist?

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 18:08:00 GMT

Yesterday we joked that we were no better than US Weekly. Now we're beginning to rethink that statement (not that we ever took it too seriously).

US is currently running a poll on their website asking if Katherine Heigl is "being ungrateful" for talking to Vanity Fair about her perception that Judd Apatow's "Knocked Up" was a little sexist.

We kind-of feel like if ~~the tables were turned and~~ George Clooney was going around saying that some movie he was in was "a bit misogynistic" US would be praising him for speaking up for women or some shit. But that's just us...

Britney Lost Virginity at 14, Any Shot for Normality at Birth

Bryan Christian — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 16:07:00 GMT

Today in "Breaking News We Kind of Already Knew," a former lawyer to Britney Spears has revealed to Us Weekly that the young Brit, who you may remember as a fairly innocent flower of feminity (wait, huh?), was not what she seemed.

[L]awyer Eric Ervin, who worked with Spears as a teenager, tells Us Weekly in its new cover story that the "virgin" image Spears portrayed was, in his words, a "PR blitz." In fact, Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.

The other revelation in the piece is the fact that Brit's paternal grandmother killed herself at a remarkably young age in a seriously unnerving manner, though more info is promised in the print edition. (Print magazines are still a thing? How adorable.) We'd pick up a copy, but frankly we're not sure we want to know anymore about the Spears family. It's a holiday, and we're in the mood for less distressing reading. You know, like V.C. Andrews or something.