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Octomom: the Reality Series (Plus Porn Stars)

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 19:56:00 GMT

Octomom is so last month, but she does still exist, as does her sideshow of offspring, and she is still getting offers, so here is the latest.

Vivid, who made Nadya Suleman the first offer to do porn, have concocted another offer: a reality series conveniently featuring Vivid girls. So just how will these porn stars be worked into the series?

Why, they'll be sexy nurses. Of course they will. (Actually they would be nannies, but close enough.)

"Our girls love babies and our very nurturing," wrote Vivid co-chair Steven Hirsch in a letter to Nadya pitching the series. "They are very excited about the prospect of meeting you and the babies and even offering you tips on how to improve your love life."

He's still offering her a million bucks plus health insurance for the babies, and this time he's adding to the pot a custom bus big enough for the whole family.

We're still not sure where this series would fall on the scale of "must-see train wrecks" to "civilzation is definitely collapsing before our eyes." Would you watch Crazy Baby Lady, the series?

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Crazy Baby Lady Gets Green Counter-Offer to Not Do Porn

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 17:32:00 GMT

Yesterday we learned that Ocotmom Nadya Suleman has been offered a stint in porn. Today, coming from the camp of reason and sanity, is the counter-offer for her to please not do porn.

And believe it or not, that counter-offer is coming from the producers of such cinematic masterpieces as MILF Seekers and Desperate MILFS and Housewives.

Kim Kysar, manager of Pink Visual, wrote Ocotmom a letter offering her a year's worth of free diapers--and "not bargain basement diapers," they're offering eco-friendly cloth diapers!-- if she declines the existing million-dollar porno offer from Vivid.

"This might sound strange coming from the head of a porn studio," she wrote, "but there's a great deal of stigma attached to being a porn star. It's not something a mother should take lightly, as this decision will most assuredly affect the lives of your children, and not in a positive way."

We think Octomom already took care of that "affecting the children in a negative way" part herself.

Read the whole letter here.

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via AVN

Ex Miss USA Goes XXX

Colleen Kane — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 20:26:00 GMT

Miss USA 1991 Kelli McCarty, who used to look like the above photo and who you might also recognize from a seven-year stint on "Passions," has made her first XXX film for Vivid, Faithless. She doesn't look at all like that beauty queen Glamour Shot anymore.

What's up with this last screen capture? Looks like she got a whiff of something putrid. Anyway, here's Kelli's explanation about her new career direction: "I enjoy acting, and I really like sex ... so this was the perfect opportunity to combine two of my passions."

Screencaps via TMZ

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Ron Jeremy and Vivid Video Are Out to Destroy YouPorn

Bryan Christian — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:39:00 GMT

Hey everybody, close your eyes and pretend it's 1999. Are you there yet? Has your computer turned into an iBook and does every commercial on TV have Moby in it? Good. Now, Google up something about... er, wait, sorry, um... go to AltaVista and see what Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich says about Napster. He doesn't like it, huh? He wants it destroyed, you say? Well, now, snap your fingers and come back to 2008! Blammo, you're back. Great. Remind us to tell you about what Hillary's up to later.

In the meantime, remember what you read about Lars Ulrich? Well, change "former metal God and current douchebag" with "porn veteran and Mario lookalike" and "music downloading" with "free porn streaming" and you might be able to guess why that unwieldy trip through time was necessary. (Or not.)

Quoth the master:

"What harms the industry is the Internet. Before it was helpful. Every company had its own website. Now you have things like YouPorn and PornTube that show full-length features of Vivid's movies. Who the f--- do they think they are? Now Vivid is suing them. You wouldn't see YouTube play a full-length feature of a Steven Spielberg film. But they think that it's just porn so they can get away with it. So now Vivid is striking back. Piracy is piracy, whether the film is PG, R or X. We deserve the same respect."

And to that end, Mr. Jeremy has endorsed Vivid Video's pledge to sue the pants off anyone who's caught streaming Vivid products without consent. (What they plan to do with pants we're not sure.)

Boy, hell hath no fury like a hedgehog scorned, huh? Now, we all know that he and Vivid are basically doomed to failure on this one, right? Maybe 10 years ago we thought something like this would have a shot, but now? Forget about it. Music, video, passport records -- it's all gonna be free on the web eventually. So let 'em try! What'll it harm? We'll still love you, Ron! How could we not? Jeez, have you seen the control that guy's got over his own ejaculate? It's, like, telekinetic. Mad props forever, you know? So, click on through for a reminder of the total freaking stud that Mr. Jeremy once was and will continue to be in our hearts and, most likely, our flash-enabled, no-pay browsers.

BAM! Top that! Check his shit! He's so much of a stud he's got to chain his jacket to his nipple for fear of it running off and humping someone.