Scanner : Wii

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Stripper Pole Company Developing Stripping Game For The Wii

This Year's Most Annoying Christmas Commercial

You Missed Out on Santacon Again...

Sloppy Seconds: Who Will Host "Meet the Press?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 21:29:00 GMT

This pointless twittering Teddy Ruxpin freaks us out but also kind-of makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Teddy, we still love you! [2pointHome]

Oh, hello there, David Beckham's package. [People]

DJ WiiJ? Really? [MTV]

Would you pay $350 to see Katie Holmes on Broadway? We wouldn't. Would we pay $350 to watch Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have sex on stage? Maaaaybe. [Us]

Kids. Are. Mean. [NY Daily News]

NBC's Brian Williams will host "Meet the Press" this Sunday, but the network still has not found a permanent replacement. Why not Williams? [Yahoo!]

Shocker! Old People Are Still Alive.

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 20:27:00 GMT

Slate has the crazy story of a 95-year-old woman and 82-year-old man both suffering from dementia who struck up a sexual relationship at the assisted-living facility where they lived until his family tore the couple apart.

Apparently, seeing your elderly dad get a hummer can really loosen your screws. According to the article:

Bob's family was horrified at the idea that his relationship with Dorothy might have become sexual. At his age, they wouldn't have thought it possible. But when Bob's son walked in and saw his dad's 82-year-old girlfriend performing oral sex on his 95-year-old father last December, incredulity turned into full-blown panic. "I didn't know where this was going to end," said the manager of the assisted-living facility where Bob and Dorothy lived. "It was pretty volatile."

This harkens back to something we've already taken pains to mention--old people...still people. They screw, play the Wii, write, direct and produce short films, and sing Hey Ya" in choir with their friends.

They also review the Sex and the City movie on YouTube.

Wii Fit Will Make Your Gym Membership Obsolete

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:03:00 GMT

Because you're not into that whole gym-membership-for-$300 thing anyway, right?

Speaking strictly for myself, Scanner Brian, I'd rather make a one-time payment of $90 for the upcoming Wii Fit game and actually enjoy working out. There's nothing more unappealing to me than paying a monthly membership to go work out after work with all the other embarrassed unfit folk who won't look me in the eye, lest I'm judging them telepathically.

We'll stick to Wii Boxing and, starting next month, all of the following... in the privacy of our own homes:

Yoga, push ups, aerobics, heading soccer balls (!), hula hooping (!!), ski jumping (wouldn't the landing break our ankles?), jogging, tightrope walking, and-- bizarrely-- snowboarding. [via Wikipedia]

How the hell does all that work, you ask? It's the new Balance Board, which looks like so...

...get it now? It's just like the State of the Art Wiimote (i.e. lightsaber for use in "LEGO Star Wars," the world's funnest game) you've been hearing so much about (Google "People Let Go Of Wiimotes And Smash Their $3,000 Plasma TVs" and see what comes up), the same Wiimote which is being pirated by the dark overlords at XBOX, thus soon rendering all of Nintendo obsolete. (Sorry for getting carried over into geekdom for a minute there.)

Then again, we're probably too poor to pick this up anytime during the rest of the Bush presidency, even after considering it a paltry $90 investment in our health and greater well-being. Sad.

NSFW Video of the Day: "Japanese girls f*cked while playing Wii"

Bryan Christian — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 21:48:00 GMT

We don't normally link directly to a porn site like YouPorn, but holy smoke, we just had to share this with you. Japanese porn is a thing all its own, what with its res-ed out genitals and boundless enthusiasm for high-pitched, seemingly pained squealing -- but this catchily titled video goes well above and beyond the standard level of craziness for J-porn. For one thing, you never see the fuck-er, he's just a persistent presense with two hands and an Atari johnson. For another, it manages to shoehorn an entirely separate Japanese obsession into the fun: video games. Which is brilliant, in its way. It's like watching a tea ceremony devoted to the stars of basebaru!

However, we do have to call a tiny foul. We're not entirely sure that these gals are actually playing Wii Tennis the whole time they're getting f'd. Oh, sure, we see 'em swinging their Wii Remotes, and we hear the balls going back and forth (as it were). But seriously: we've never, ever, in the year and change since the Wii came out, ever seen a game of Wii Tennis this un-animated. If this were us, we'd be jumping all around and talking smack and shit. It just doesn't make sense. The eerily disembodied handjobs, we'd be cool with. But this lethargic mode of playing Wii Tennis... that's just downright creepy.

Click here to view "Japanese girls f*cked while playing Wii."

[via Fleshbot]

Nintendo-Themed Valentine's Chocolates Harder to Get Than a Wii

Bryan Christian — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Find yourself in love with a serious video-game geek? Better not mention that you missed out on the totally sold-out Mii chocolates created especially for love-struck nerds by Nebraska designer Paul Pape.

This box of candy has it all. In fact, the box is even part of the gift. Crafted to look like a game unit with a very sweet message on the top, the box opens to reveal two chocolate figures with little red-hot hearts on their shirts. You can choose to have the traditional boy and girl grouping, or any combination of the two, so give the gift to a loved one or share with a friend.

SOLD. OUT. Drat. And we were gonna buy like 5 boxes and throw a huge Mii "grouping," if you know what we mean. Next year!

Previously: Sloppy Seconds: Nerd Love

Sloppy Seconds: Britney's Makeover, Nerd Love, Heath Ledger, Brad Renfro, Roy Scheider and Crack

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:11:00 GMT

Our not-so-slutty sister FameCrawler weighs in on Britney's... makeover?

Nerd love. Ain't it sweet that Wii belong together?

Michelle Williams, Heath Ledger's family and other mourners took a dip in the ocean as they said goodbye to the actor.

Another young actor who died earlier this year, Brad Renfro's death was caused by an "accidental overdose."

Actor Roy Scheider, famous for "Jaws" and not so famous for "SeaQuest" died yesterday.

Police found crack in a man's butt. Yes they did.

And if you stand us up tomorrow night, we'll never forgive you. OK, we'll forgive you, but we'll be really heartbroken. And do you really want to do that to us right before Valentine's Day? Scanner Emily was already dumped right before Valentine's Day once. You can hear all about it if you show up tomorrow.

Alterna-Santas, Making Christmas a Little Less Special for Kids Everywhere

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:30:00 GMT

For "a country where no two people can order the same coffee drink," Wired brings us a round-up of Alterna-Santas, including the Objectivist Santa, The Athiest Santa and the Parent Appreciation Santa:

Let's face it: Santa is kind of a jerk. He swoops in once a year and lays a bunch of presents at your children's feet, and they love him even more than you and Ronald McDonald. Where was Santa when your kid had an ear infection? Sitting around smoking a pipe and drinking Coca-Cola, that's where. Parent Appreciation Santa understands your position, and that's why he shows up not with presents, but with pictures of you slaving away at work, cleaning the house and standing in line at 3 in the freaking morning to get a Wii. "I didn't bring anything," he explains, "but let's open the presents your parents got you, because they love you more than any hairy, polar-dwelling creep could."

That sounds about like the Santa we knew and loved.

Wired: Alt.Santas Put the X Back in Xmas

Wii Shortage Ruins Christmas for Kids Everywhere

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 20:39:00 GMT

When you're a kid, there's really nothing better than waiting three months for a present you're positive your parents are getting you for Christmas, staying wide awake all night on the 24th because you're far too excited to sleep, waking your parents up at 5:49 a.m., running down stairs, hitting the floor so hard next to the tree you hurt your leg, and ripping open your brand spakin' new.... rain check?

Holiday Gift Guide: The Nintendo Virtual Boy

Michael Martin — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 22:15:00 GMT

For the next week, Nerve staff and contributors will offer nearly 100 ideas to help buy you love in the New Year.

The Nintendo Wii? Old news! The Nintendo DS? Please. For the gamer in your life, get them the gift that stopped giving twelve years ago: the Nintendo Virtual Boy. While the Big N's current systems are two of the hottest items on shelves and two of the biggest electronic success stories of the past decade, the Virtual Boy is an archaic oddity that almost sunk the company back in 1995. You can grab one off eBay for under $30 and get your faux-virtual reality on. Just watch out for epileptic fits and eye damage. — John Constantine

Putting The Cart Before The Horse

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 15:38:00 GMT

...or the Wiimote before the boobs, as it were. If you're going join in the fun of topless Wii this holiday season (and what better theme for the office Christmas party?), you're first going to need a Wii of your own. While we're sure it's fun to just watch, we think yours probably bounce a little better.

Wired has put together some tips for scoring a Wii... probably not too different from getting a Tickle Me Elmo a few years back, but helpful nonetheless.

Topless Wii, Everybody. Top. Less. Wii.

Bryan Christian — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 15:08:00 GMT

You know what to do.

Dear Nintendo Wii: Happy Birthday, You Old Homewrecker You!

Bryan Christian — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 14:15:00 GMT

Monday was the Nintendo Wii's first birthday! What did you get yours? We know what Go Nintendo reader "Tony" gave his Wii: a massive guilt trip for ruining his marriage. Seems that "Tony" got back from Iraq to find something he wasn't expecting on his Wii's Mii Channel (a.k.a., the place where your personalized Wii characters live), something that confirmed rumors he'd been hearing about his wife and an unnamed sports figure.

It’s a guy strikingly similar to PBA Bowler *name deleted*. To be sure of this, I went into the Wil Message Board and click on the Calendar option. Through this menu I was able to identify the many nights my wife’s Mii and this ‘other’ Mii Character played Wii Bowling. It became clearly obvious that she couldn’t explain her way out of this.

Here's the best part about all this: somewhere out there, there's a pro bowler who's getting into girls pants with his video game skills. What, polos and the promise of remarkable finger strength weren't cutting it?

[Via GamePro and Gizmodo]