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Kanye West Wants You To Be Like Him, This Apparently Involves Lots of Alcohol

Emily Farris — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:20:00 GMT

Unless you have a particularly keen eye and have been thumbing through the "Strictly Personals" section of New York Magazine, you may have missed the print advertisements for Be KANYE, a campaign starring Kanye West and lots of really bad graphics.

The ads are clearly for Absolut Vodka, though the "product" is an Alka-Selzter-like tablet that can instantly transform you into Kanye West.

We're just as confused as you are, but earlier this year, the company announced its "In An Absolut World" campaign, promising to profile Kanye, Eddie Izzard, Perez Hilton and Zach Galifanakis (a strange mix, if you ask us) as "Absolut Visionaries," among less famous subjects, like a random pregnant man. So this must be Kanye's vision.

But if Kanye's vision is really that everyone should want to be like Kanye, doesn't this, um, make him a douchebag?

Here's hoping he's in on the joke and either way, the website is still fun, because of (and in spite of) the fact that it looks like a website would have looked if it were made before websites existed, while offering absolutely no information on what this Be KANYE business is all about.

However, the site counts down to something on July 13, so maybe everything will make more sense then.

In the mean time we highly encourage you to check out bekanyenow.com and call 1-877-Be-KANYE (235-2693 for those of you with phoneputers, you're welcome) if you'd like to become a Kanye groupie. We'll be contemplating our belly buttons and trying to figure out what will happen on the 13th. It better blow our fucking minds!

[BeKANYEnow.com]

(Thanks, Lauren!)

Sloppy Seconds: Desperate Housewives

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Some readers were bothered by our dig at Absolut Vodka over its pre-20th century mindset. Just a reminder: we're always right.

The Second Amendment Debate, Made Irrelevant: A man has been arrested for standing in the middle of the street and threatening motorists with death by bow and arrow. Cool!

Finally, the truth: Since Thursday's raid on Warren Jeff's polygamist sect in Texas, which housed hundreds of brainwashed females and the brain-damaged males overseeing them, commentators have speculated as to what served as the final piece of evidence that enabled the Feds to move in. At an earlier news conference, the prosecutor in the case testified that investigators had been waiting for someone to come forward.

Well, that someone turned out to be a 16 year old girl, pregnant for the second time in a year, according to CNN. The anonymous tipster, who had contacted Family Services in Texas, was married to a man was more than three times her age, beat her, and had six other wives..

Now, her parents were talking about sending her younger sister, 15, to the ranch as well.

In her calls, the girl said she had looked for ways to escape. But she was told that outside the compound's gates lies an evil world in which she would be forced to cut her hair, wear makeup and have sex with many men. She thought about faking an illness, but under that plan she couldn't bring her baby along, the affidavit stated.
She said her husband would "beat and hurt" her when he got angry, hitting her in the chest and choking her while other wives held her baby. Once, he broke her ribs, she said.

Pardon the unfortunate transition, but... speaking of "Desperate Housewives": the show's creator confirms Nicolette Sheridan, the woman also unfortunately known as Michael Bolton's squeeze, is leaving at the end of the season.

Government workers charged millions of dollars for wild orgies (i.e. "fancy dinners"-- but we're not fooled), lingerie, iPods, and internet dating subscriptions (it better have been Nerve!) to company-issued credit cards. So what? They're probably all in the CIA and that stuff is part of the job anyway.

And lastly, the greatest living woman in America is single again. We almost feel bad for celebrating.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:28:00 GMT

And you thought dry humping Jennifer Garner at the Oscars was the craziest thing Gary Busey's ever done?

Check out this interview with Busey from a recent issue of Maxim, which pokes lots of fun at the weirdo actor's drug history, including the time he did coke off his dog's ass. This Sloppy Seconds gonna write itself, wethinks.

Jay and Beyonce got married on Friday. Or was it Saturday? Are they even an item? No one knows for sure. We gotta say, more power to the both of them for not letting the slimeballs at Us Weekly get anything out of this.

Freakiest story of the day: "A man who received a heart transplant 12 years ago and later married the donor's widow died the same way the donor did, authorities said: of a self-inflicted gunshot wound." (MSNBC)

Would someone please confirm that Tom Waits is, in fact, going on tour this summer? This iVoice Chat with a very drunk "Tom Waits," while hilarious, doesn't actually come from reputable sources.

It's official: Mexico has re-conquered the Southwest US. Maybe they'll burn down the Absolut distribution center on their march North, just for this insultingly stupid ad.

And an incestuous relationship between a father and daughter in Australia has produced, gag, a child. (Isn't Mom a little worried that her convicted armed-robber lover/father is perhaps already after the nine-month-old for his next conquest?) Normally, we'd make a joke about this being a great reality show for E!'s midseason replacement lineup, but we don't want to give them any ideas.

Dad/Husband: "Of course I knew it was illegal but, you know, so what."

Mrs. Deaves said the physical relationship with her father was like "a sexual relationship with any other man". For Mr. Deaves the sexual relationship was "absolutely fantastic".

There are so many things we could say here, but instead: JTUASIMM, which means "just threw up a SHITLOAD in my mouth."

Via News.au.com.

Pardon Me, But Do I Know You From Somewhere, Absolut Citron's New Ad?

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Correct us if we're wrong, but it really does look like a big, delightfully refreshing, citrus-y vagina.

[Via Copyranter]