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This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:46:00 GMT

One of the saddest celebrity relationship stories of all-time gets worse by the day. Yesterday, a tabloid published Rihanna's personal phone number, Chris Brown obtained a reprieve and... oh no... now there are strong rumors that the two may have gotten married in secret.

There must be something we can do to put a stop to the madness...

1) Defamer reported that Extra, in their published report on the Chris Brown search warrant, failed to properly and entirely redact the phone numbers included in the affidavit. Defamer called one of the numbers and got what appears to be Rihanna's voice on a voice mail. Great, just what this girl needs-- more people bothering her.

2) Yesterday, Brown appeared in court for his arraignment on two felonies but will not have to enter a (not) guilty plea until April 6th. TMZ speculates that the singer may try for a plea deal to make this case go away-- although, without Rihanna playing ball for them, the prosecution might have a tough time winning a jury trial against him. Later on, Chris went out partying with just his bodyguards, staying out until almost four o'clock in the morning. This guy just doesn't know what the hell he's doing, does he?

3) The blog Geno's World is as pissed about all this as we are. They, like many Rihanna fans and other observers, are pulling their hair out at the idea that Rihanna is sticking with this guy and may have even married him, as if that's going to help anything. He's clearly not going to learn how to behave by being rewarded with your devotion. Geno asked a convicted murderer what would happen to Chris Brown in prison... out of pure curiosity, of course. Of course.

"He better come prepared for some fun. That's all I gotta say. What do I mean? There's a lotta fellas here who love Rihanna and her music. They ain't too happy with what went down. I mean, you can't treat a princess like Rihanna like that. You gotta show some respect for a goddess like that. The guys here would love to show Chris how to really treat a woman. And you know what I mean, Chris would be the woman. That man is too damn pretty. He'd be very popular in here."

These words would be disturbing if we weren't not-so-secretly thrilled to hear them. Is that wrong?

Related:

Rihanna May Not Have Been the Only One Chris Brown Beat Up

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Even Crazier Than We Thought

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West Dresses Better Than the Gays

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

It turns out T.R. Knight isn't the only actor leaving the cast of Grey's Anatomy. Katherine Heigl is on her way out, too. [Defamer]

Rihanna, who was allegedly beat-up by her boyfriend Chris Brown, has been released from the hospital but is postponing a show she's set to play in Malaysia. [Yahoo!]

We're totally onboard for the Michael Phelps backlash-backlash. [Jossip]

Want to know what the hell kind of fertility clinic would inseminate a 33-year-old single mother of six with eight fucking more babies? [SNAFU-ed]

Britney Spears took her assistant back from the Jonas Brothers. Damn straight. [Us]

Media outlets are looking for sugar daddies to get them through the recession. Come to think of it, we wouldn't mind one, either. [DailyIntel]

Guys, Kanye West is just really secure with his manhood, okay? "There's a lot of gay people that I dress way better than." [MTV]

[Image]

Charlie Sheen: Because You Can Never Be Surrounded by Enough Women

Emily Farris — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 14:59:00 GMT

[Image]

Hooters Fires Physically-Abused Waitress For Not Looking Hot Enough

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

All Sara Dye, 27, wanted from Hooters was her job back-- or, if she couldn't have that, the unemployment benefits she was due under Iowa state law. However, her ex-employer fought her all the way through trial, desperate to prevent her from receiving the few hundred dollars (we're guessing) she was owed.

Not only that, but Dye hadn't done anything deliberate that warranted a sacking-- unless you count picking the Boyfriend or Husband From Hell...

Dye was hospitalized, battered and bruised, following several unspecified instances of "domestic abuse," according to The Des Moines Register. Dye met with the Davenport Hooters management and all parties agreed she was not well enough to work-- because of her appearance, of course. God forbid horny perverts see anything other than a bunch of flawless Barbie dolls worshiping at their feet, waiting for wings orders. In fact, it's written in the Hooters manual that a hostess (Dye's job) must maintain a "glamorous appearance."

When Dye was unable to heal fast enough, she was prevented from returning to work. When she asked another employee what the deal was, the employee told Dye she had been fired. Thankfully, a judge sided with the victim and awarded her the benefits. But, good Lord, was it worth it, Hooters?

Our handbook states you have to have a glamorous appearance. It doesn't actually say, 'Bruises on your face are not allowed.' It does talk about the all-American cheerleader look."

Sheedy said Dye could now resume working at Hooters, assuming she maintained a glamorous appearance.

"She told me that she was very badly beaten, she (had been) unconscious, she was in the hospital," Duvall said. "She was like, 'I really want to work next week. ...' I said, 'You need to come in and speak to Gina and let her see your appearance.'"

God bless America.

Related:

Blonde-Redhead Muslim Woman Sues Bar Over (Conservative) Red Dress

Man Celebrates His 100th Birthday at Hooters

Hooters, Like Cockroaches, Will Survive the Apocalypse... And The Olympics

You Know Your Wedding Was A Blast When You Were Both Tasered... Twice

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:48:00 GMT

We know it's still technically wedding season, but that doesn't explain why the last week or two has brought us some of the most insane wedding stories since the dawn of time. This time, however, we think we've found the one tale that will stand the test of time...

Because, seriously, how could a party this wild not be worth traveling, getting dressed up, and slipping the bride and groom a couple bucks?

1) Receptions can get out of hand, and often the police need to be called to clear the place out if it's 3:30 in the morning and staff overtime wasn't in the budget. But rarely do they get so out of hand that police officers from 14 precincts and departments arrive and taser the hell out of the bride and groom, then arrest them and make them spend their wedding nights in separate jail cells:

"The short version of the story is they didn't want to quit their partying," said Mike Sepic, Berrien County, Mich., chief assistant prosecutor. "If you put this in the class of wedding receptions gone bad, I guess this would take the cake."

2) Yuk, yuk. Also arrested that night, thanks to their interference in the arrests of the relatives, the groom's father, aunt, cousin, and uncle, each of whom ended up paying $450 and pleading to lesser charges.

3) The fairytale beach wedding turned ugly when Tom Burnison, co-owner of the gallery in which the reception was taking place, got angry with a reveler who tried to break a plate-glass window with one of his lamps. Burnison called the police, who trickled in and were allegedly met by angry, "cursing" guests:

"[The groom] got angry and started yelling, 'What are you doing? This is my wedding! You're making my wife cry!' " Skowron said. "The crowd was trying to hold back the groom from mouthing off more, but finally he broke free, and they had to take him down," Sepic said of police. "He was heading for the officers. . . . Then the bride moved in and tried to interfere."

4) What happened next, as the wedding photographer agrees, represents a total police overreaction and lends credence to the movement against the use of Tasers on unarmed civilians: as the groom was knocked to the ground, his wife held on to him; because of this, she ended getting shocked when he got shocked. The whole party quickly fell apart, and the unhappy couple were hauled off to the pen.

5) The coda to all this and what makes the story so memorable is the little paragraph the Chicago Sun Times failed to elaborate on:

Two nights later, the bride and groom were again arrested in Michigan -- and again shocked by a stun gun -- after struggling with police investigating a noise complain... The groom was charged with pushing his new wife down during that incident, but the charge was later dropped as part of a plea bargain...

6) What happened? Were they beating the crap out of each other? Arguing over whose fault it was their reception ended in disaster? We'd really rather have heard that these two went on to fifty years of a pain-free marriage, made all the stronger by the stormy wedding day. Two friends of ours were just married in New York and their honeymoon was similarly full of chaos: from car breakdowns to spider attacks to being locked out of their suite on the one night they had it reserved... and so on. But as their relatives reminded them, "Most great marriages had auspicious starts..."

Let's hope the same goes for these two... because things couldn't have gotten off to a worse start, no?

Photo and excerpts from the Chicago Sun-Times.

Engagement Party Ends In Cheating, Beating, Arrest, No Makeup Sex

Weddings From Hell: A Photo Essay

What's It Like Being The Husband Of A Porn Star?

Sloppy Seconds: Identical Twins Marry

Warning: Do Not Marry "Theater People"

Sloppy Seconds: The Truth About The "Abusive" Paul McCartney

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 20:51:00 GMT

An earthquake this morning registered 5.4 on the Andy Richter scale and was felt from LA to Vegas and down to Mexico. There were no reported injuries as of post time.

Although he's charged with a DUI, Shia LaBeouf was not at fault for the car crash that flipped his truck. The other driver has been ticketed for running a red light...

PageSix claims Marc Jacobs has wed in Paris... and if you didn't know, he married...

his Brazilian boyfriend in a civil ceremony... which is not legally binding.

Other sources speculate that this is just a decoy move while Jacobs gets married elsewhere, away from the prying press...

Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron are to appear on a breast cancer telethon the night of September 5th.

We couldn't imagine Paul McCartney ever hitting anyone-- shit, could you imagine the guy who wrote "Yesterday" and "Maybe I'm Amazed" getting medieval on anyone? Now, Heather Mills' ex-publicist is speaking out and basically confirming what we suspected all along: the evidence of McCartney abusing his ex-wife was completely fabricated to help the wife's case.

We're pretty sure it's a fake of... something... but WTF is this photo Gawker posted?

You can download the Walkmen's excellent new album for $5, with all of the proceeds going to the cause of one hospitalized baby. The music revolution, indeed.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Madonna's Breakdown?

Sloppy Seconds: Brad and Angelina and the French Brawl

We Do Not Want to Meet Carlizina Jolectron in a Dark Alley

Hot or Not? Scarlett Johansson's Fuzzy Nipple

The Results Are In: Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Sloppy Seconds: Hitchhiker Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 May 2008 21:20:00 GMT

With the economy the way it is, we're more tempted than ever to marry into royalty. Thankfully, there's this: the 20 Hottest Young Royals. [Forbes/CNN]

The State of Texas has decided it cannot legally protect teenage girls in Mormon sects from rape and will probably return them to their gated hell. [Washington Post]

She Who Must Not Be Named is unfit to stand trial. Or whatever it is she's in court for these days.

Voters trust John McCain more than Barack Obama on most of the issues, except for the ones, we're blindly assuming, about a woman's right too choose, a man's right to become President and wage nuclear war for the hell of it, and just about anything else important. In unrelated political news and sure to be Monday's Daily Show top story, Sirhan Sirhan unsurprisingly endorsed Hillary Clinton for President.

We strongly support picking up hitchhikers, usually because it's Nerve bloggers trying to beat the high gas prices, although after this story, in which a man picks up a hitchhiker, then calls the police and a mental institution to find out if his passenger is an escaped inmate or a wanted felon, then has sex with her in a hotel room, after which she refers to herself as an "angel" (the Biblical kind, not the great lay kind), is cause for concern and our favorite story of the day.

Today in WTF: Humanitarian Aid Workers Sexually Abusing Children

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 May 2008 14:37:00 GMT

We're unfortunately not surprised to report that aid workers are abusing their powers in the war-torn countries they're sent to protect, but we are shocked to say they're apparently doing so with children as young as six.

Save the Children in the UK is reporting that humanitarian aid workers and United Nation peace keepers have been sexually abusing not only teenagers, but small children, in the countries they're sent to protect.

Unfortunately, these abuses have not been widely reported before because residents are worried that if they do, the aid workers will leave.

After interviewing hundreds of children, Save the Children said it "found instances of rape, child prostitution, pornography, indecent sexual assault and trafficking of children for sex," including 13-year-old Elizabeth, a girl from the Ivory Coast who was gang-raped by 10 UN "peacekeepres" in a field near her home.

"They grabbed me and threw me to the ground and they forced themselves on me... I tried to escape but there were 10 of them and I could do nothing," she said.

"I was terrified. Then they just left me there bleeding."

According to the BBC and Save the Children, no action has been taken against the soldiers, while the UN claims it has a "zero tolerance" policy against such actions.

"What we can do is get across a message of zero tolerance, which for us means zero complacency when credible allegations are raised and zero impunity when we find that there has been malfeasance that's occurred," he told the BBC.

[BBC: Peacekeepers 'abusing children']

[CNN: Charity: Aid workers raping, abusing children]

Big, Big Love Gone Real, Real Bad

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:04:00 GMT

Don't believe everything you see on television. Polygamy isn't all sex with Chloe Sevingy, in-ground pools and SUVs.

Authorities in Texas are currently trying to figure out what to do with 416 children—all part of a polygamous sect based in Eldorado—after a 16-year-old child bride claimed she had been beaten and raped by her 50-year-old husband.

Since the raid on the polygamist compound, authorities have bussed the children to a stadium in a near-by town, but now, "quite frankly," are trying to figure out what the hell to do with them:

“Quite frankly, I’m not sure what we’re going to do,” Judge Barbara Walther of State District Court said after a conference that included three to four dozen lawyers either representing or hoping to represent youngsters taken two weeks ago from the ranch in Eldorado that belongs to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a breakaway Mormon sect.

Now, many of the 139 mothers who voluntarily left the compound have now been sent away, some back to the ranch if they chose and others to "another safe location."

Sadly, mothers probably left their daughters who were also young mothers (women with children under four were allowed to stay).

The courtroom conference on Monday was held to work out the ground rules for a court hearing starting Thursday on the fate of the children. The state is accusing the sect of physically and sexually abusing the children and wants to strip their parents of custody and place the children in foster care or put them up for adoption...

Texas bar officials said that more than 350 lawyers from across the state had volunteered to represent the children free of charge. The mothers who voluntarily left the sect to be with their children might also hire lawyers, to help them fight for custody.

Betty Balli Torres, executive director of the Texas Access to Justice Foundation, said it was vital that the mothers be represented by lawyers. Otherwise, they could lose their children, she said, in “what we call kind of the death penalty of family law cases."

We're guessing the 60 men responsible for this clusterfuck won't be paying child support if any of the women manage to keep their children.

[New York Times: Court Grapples With Scope of Polygamist Sect Case]

Caption This: Huckabee's Got His Wife On A Thin Rope

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 21:10:00 GMT

Hasn't this woman suffered enough?

See if you can best the captions already posted via Shakespeare's Sister.

Campaign Manager--"Nooses are offensive, so let's use a lasso to degrade your wife."

It was all fun and games until Janet Huckabee realized the next step was Chuck Norris going kung-fu on her.

Come on, you guys can do better than these!