Scanner : airports

TSA Shows Some T&A

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 21:08:00 GMT

Hasn't the Transportation Security Administration embarrassed us enough by smelling our stinky shoes, emptying all the expired condoms out of our pockets, and pretending to throw away our open containers of beer (which, no doubt, they keep in a separate "recycling bin")?

Apparently not. You're gonna love how much tits, ass, peen, and whatnot the baggage screeners are going to get a glimpse of if these new X-ray machines are put to use...

The first two images are of a female (note the glorious X-ray boobies), while the right two images are of a male (note that weiner.) Here's a detail:

Believe it or not, this doesn't violate our no-genitals policy because, well, we got these from a legitimate news source, via Twitter, the world's finest news source.

By the way, if you want to avoid having one of these TSA searches, don't fly out of the airport in Salt Lake City, Utah, the only place these New World Order strip searches have gone into effect.

Hair Has Hair Down Thare

Penis, Penis, Peanuts

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Pardon our tardiness wrapping up the highs and lows of last week, but we were living Planes, Trains and Automobiles 2.0. After eleven hours each in two different airports, a four-hour Greyhound bus ride and an eleven-hour drive, we finally made it to Austin, where we're blogging from South by Southwest Interactive. Today we'll check out all the sexy panels, until then, here's what happened last week.

Highs:

Scanner Brian (along with his buddies at FOXNews) made us feel a little better about our badonkadonks.

Because FOXNews is all about giving us more reasons to have sex.

And so does ABC News.

We love that Paul Rudd loves to get nekkid.

What happens when our favorite show from childhood collides with one of our favorite shows from adulthood? Utter necrophiliac hilarity.

We became a little more open minded about dating people with kids.

National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day made us happy.

We got a second chance at finding a mopey lover at Smiths Speed Dating.

We made a lot of condom-hating men happy when we reported on a study that said a straight shot of semen can treat female depression.

Lows:

Abstinence-Only Education Day did not.

Neither did this little girl.

We worried, momentarily, that Scanner Brian would be out of a job.

But as long as he can recognize that Jason Segel is a sexy, sexy man, he's safe here at Scanner.

New Jersey is about to get a lot more bush.

We considered leaving Bristol Palin alone. And then decided against it.

We were reminded, yet again, how complicated all that getting married bullshit can be.

But maybe if someone loved us this much...

We couldn't get that damn McDonald's jingle out of our heads.

We were a little disappointed with our first condom vending machine purchase.

P Diddy TMI alert!

Why Are Playmobil Playsets So Damned Crazy?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 22:29:00 GMT

This post will in no way attempt to answer that headline. Instead, we'll simply present you with your weekend kickoff: a series of the most bizarrely hilarious WTF Playmobil playsets, including the one pictured above (okay, that's not real) and the most famous toy of the last three years, the Playmobil TSA Playkit...

Check it out, the Emily Farris Crazy Cat Lady Playset™!

For that last one, the TSA Playset, you absolutely must check out the "rave" reviews of this product on Amazon. If they weren't from so many years ago, we'd do a post exclusively about them right now.

Thank to Kurt for the link.

Related:

The New Yorker on the Joy of "The Joy of Sex"

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

Stuff Your Stocking With Fleshbot's Top Sex Toys of 2008

Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Surviving a Plane Crash, via Twitter

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:10:00 GMT

Yesterday's incident at Denver International Airport could have been a major disaster, had quick-thinking passengers not bailed out the Emergency Exit rows before the plane became, well, what you see in the above photo: a crippled, burnt-out and collapsed hunk of metal and melted plastic...

While we would kill for a Tweet from inside a plane going down-- the internet's version of the black box-- with the Twitterer (and all other passengers) having survived, of course, the next best record of the events would be Mike Wilson's record of escaping the burning Boeing 737. His flight to Texas didn't make it off the runway, as you will see:

to all who’ve asked, it’s hard to know exactly what went wrong — we were in the middle of a normal takeoff when we suddely veered off 16 minutes ago
a 1st class passenger I talked to indicated he saw the left engine come off at the time, but it’s unclear if this was a cause or an effect 16 minutes ago
shortly after we veered off, the plane quite obviously left the runway at high speed (maybe 100 kts) and proceeded to go 4 wheel driving 14 minutes ago
i think we might have gone into a ravine and dropped some distance as there was a sudden bottom-dropped-out feeling and then a jolt 13 minutes ago
i believe it was after the jolt that the right engine, which was near my row, caught fire 13 minutes ago
by the time the plane stopped we were burning pretty well and I think I could feel the heat even through the bulkhead and window 12 minutes ago
whoever was on the left side exit row, god bless him, was johnny on the spot and instantly had the door open - people crowded out in a mass 11 minutes ago
I made for the exit door as quickly as I could, fearing the right wing might explode from the fire. once out, i scrambled down the wing 10 minutes ago
there was a fire station nearby and that’s where we all ended up right after the crash 9 minutes ago
fortunately, there didn’t seem to be any life-threatening injuries 8 minutes ago
@mjcarrasquillo this was on takeoff. I'm not sure, but I would speculate some type of mechanical failure. about 15 hours ago from web in reply to mjcarrasquillo
I'm very grateful to still be here. Thanks again to all the well wishers. I'm amazed and humbled by it all. about 15 hours ago from web
Heading to the airport for another try at flying to Houston. about 7 hours ago from twitterrific
Waiting in the continental club for the "replacement" flight. Noticing I'm a little sore. about 6 hours ago from twitterrific
Media circus ensues. Sitting on the plane waiting to take off about 5 hours ago from twitterrific
I'm sitting as close to the exit as possible this time http://twitpic.com/uyqb about 5 hours ago from twitterrific
Crash #1 was a "water landing" in a small plane. about 5 hours ago from twitterrific
@showtunes no-won't get our luggage for a while I think and sounded like my mac is likely melted to the floor about 5 hours ago from twitterrific in reply to showtunes
Touchdown! The crowd goes wild! about 3 hours ago from twitterrific
Found out chairman of Continental was on our flight. That's putting your money where your mouth is. about 2 hours ago from twitterrific

We particularly enjoyed his tweets about making sure to sit as close to the exit row as possible this time and the chairman of Continental taking the return flight to make sure all went well. Why aren't we reading about this guy in the media? He deserves a mention for sure.

You can keep tabs on Mike, a.k.a. "2drinksbehind" at his Twitter page.

Related:

Top 10 Celebrity Twitterers

Freaky FAA Tapes Reveal Obama's Plane Nearly Crashed On July 7th

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Expands the Family Empire to Include Brothels

Who Knew North Dakota Had Such A Great Bar Scene?

Oh Bondage, Up Yours! Airport Security Gets X-Ray Spex

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 19:05:00 GMT

Because a strip-down and full cavity search wasn't telling airport officials enough about what you had for dinner last night, new machines will actually be able to see through your clothes.

Before you board the plane for the family reunion in Biloxi, be prepared to get shot up by "millimeter waves" that, according to the TSA, "go through cloth to identify metal, plastics, ceramics, chemical materials and explosives."

While it allows the security screeners -- looking at the images in a separate room -- to clearly see the passenger's sexual organs as well as other details of their bodies, the passenger's face is blurred, TSA said in a statement on its website.

Passengers will be able to choose between the "millimeter waves" and a body pat-down. Gosh, they both sound so appealing and intimate, how will we ever choose?

[image via Yahoo News]

Just Because You Played a Cop on TV Doesn't Mean You Can Carry a Loaded Gun onto an Airplane

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 16:51:00 GMT

Actors who play doctors on TV are constantly complaining to late-night talk show hosts that people on the street often ask them for medical advice, and actors who play cops on TV are often treated as if they're cops (fear? respect? free donuts?), so it's no surprise that "Law & Order" alum Dennis Farina may have thought he could get away with carrying a loaded gun onto an airplane.

Except he did not get away with carrying a loaded gun onto an airplane.

Farina was arrested at LAX on Sunday for carrying a loaded 22-caliber semi-automatic pistol in his luggage. ~~Detective Joe Fontana~~ Farina was "very apologetic" and claimed he had forgotten that his gun was in his carry-on bag. He was booked on one misdemeanor count of carrying a loaded firearm until police found that the gun was unregistered and he was charged with a felony.

[NY Daily News: Loaded gun found in Dennis Farina's carry-on luggage]

[Image via nytimes.com]

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ryan Gosling and Scanner Emily Wishing Underneath the Same Big Star?

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:17:00 GMT

George Bush and John McCain celebrated McCain's nomination by eating hot dogs. Makes us want a hot dog. Real bad. On second thought, no, it doesn't. We've just been waiting a really long time to use that Jennifer Coolidge hot dog line.

Simon Cowell will not be shilling Viagra. Not even for two million dollars. Not even for a lifetime of erections.

Though we're not big gun fans, we do like to cause trouble and really would have liked to go through the securty checkpoint at La Guardia with this gun bag this morning—especially after someone threw away our brand new tube of toothpaste!

Oh, awesome. More reality TV. All summer long.

And not that this has anything to do with anything, but we're madly in love with Ryan Gosling. Just thought we'd share. You know, in case he's out there wishing underneath the same big star. Because apparently that Michael McDonald thing isn't going to work out for us; he never called.

[Image of sexy, sexy Ryan Gosling via weblogs.variety.com]

Sloppy Seconds: Is Valentine's Day Over Yet?

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Still haven't quite found the closure you needed from that last break-up? How about writing an obituary for the relationship?

Planned Parenthood reminds us that condoms are an essential part of any Valentine's Day love making with the most unsexy video ever.

~~Fashion victim~~ actress Bai Ling was arrested at LAX for shoplifiting celebrity magazines and batteries.

Has Amy Winehouse sobered up enough to take a lover while her hubby "Blake Incarcerated" is, uh, incarcerated?

We have such a girl crush on Michelle Williams (and no, not just because her ex-BF died; we've been stalking her for years).

Know When to Fold 'Em

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 14:39:00 GMT

A Berlin man nearly died Tuesday from alcohol poisoning after chugging two pints of vodka at an airport, rather than trash it at a security checkpoint.

Hey dude, we've been there. We hate seeing stuff go to waste—especially consumables we've paid good money for. That's why we're a little fat. And alcohol is expensive. But really, there are easier ways...

Or, like, you know, just cut your losses?

[HOWTO smuggle liquids onto an airplane via BoingBoing]