Scanner : al gore

People are Jokesters Today!

Colleen Kane — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 14:15:00 GMT

It's April Fools' Day, so Whole Foods tweeted a link to their home page chock full o' yukks like the one above. Under "What's Cooking?" they list deep-fried pork eclairs, chianti-gorgonzola popsicles, and ham & asparagus shortcake, among others. They're acknowledging how they can charge through the teeth for organic anything, and they trust their consumers to get the joke.

The green celebrity gossip site Ecorazzi, on the other hand, did not, and Adult Video News and some others got in on the tomfoolery as well.

Ecorazzi mocked up a package for a line of vegan frozen food they'd like to exist. At the bottom of the post, in italics: "It's worth noting that today is April 1st."

Even so, when a friend linked this story on Facebook, someone commented on the link, "I'm not sure, but I think they're saying this was an April fools' joke. Wish it were true!"

Over at AVN, they're claiming their novelty awards site for AVN Novelty Expo was hacked early this morning by "Friends" of AVN Novelty Business. The "O" Awards will feature honors such as "Best Buttplug in the Likeness of a World Leader" Best 'For Novelty Use Only' Item That's Not Really 'For Novelty Use Only'"and "Best Inflatable Animal."

Here's an image from their "Running of the Publisher" event.

A video on Gunaxin claims a new kind of penguin can fly.

Twitter is offering 280-character tweets with their tweet doubler.

And from Scanner reader Apollo, here are two more: one from Google that's a little too close to the truth of their omnipresent omniscience, and one weird one from NASA that immediately owns up to being a joke. Isn't it better when they don't admit it?

Related:

April Fools: The Prankster's Prankster

Videos of the Day: "The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest of 1957" and "The Day Today"

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

Read more...

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Read more...

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Read more...

Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:12:00 GMT

Three guesses as to what Republican Chris Ortloff, a former member of the New York State Assembly, is facing life in prison for...

1) Ortloff served twenty years in the State Legislature before he was appointed to the parole board by Gov. George Pataki, a position he retains to this day.

2) Ortloff discovered the cursed internet, invented by his nemesis Al Gore, and decided he liked it. Well, he liked the part about being able to e-mail (what he thought were) 11 and 12-year-old sisters in hopes of arranging hotel sex.

3) The perv went to a hotel with "condoms, lubricants, a vibrator, and a camera" to capture the illicit sex with the underage girls. Of course, the underage girls were actually cops who were legally allowed to kick his door down and haul his ass downtown, which is exactly what they did.

4) Now Ortloff faces ten years to life in the slammer for his attempted night of sin. He's due back in court today for a bail hearing. Good luck with that-- see you at your first parole board hearing, dumbass!

Via Newsday.

Related:

Sex Offender Running For VT Senate Seat

Hero of the Day: Dad Who Killed A Sex Offender Turned Home Invader

Man Charged After Drunken Sex Leaves Woman Dead

Go Have A Jolt Cola And A Sandwich, Kids, We Want To Have An Orgy

Nude Bicyclists Protest... Global Warming?

Sloppy Seconds: C-ya L8-R, TRL

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Lance Bass will be the first openly gay contestant to appear on Dancing With the Stars. And in case you're wondering, he will be dancing with a woman. [People]

Al Gore is to the Internet as John McCain is to the Blackberry? [Jossip]

We officially like Todd Palin far more than we like Sarah (we feel sorry for him, too). [Gawker]

Musical vibrators? Sign us up! [Queerty]

After ten long, party-top-filled years, MTV's TRL, originally known as Total Request Live, has been canceled. This will clear Times' Square and very important brain space for many people. [Us]

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:52:00 GMT

Last night, we were sitting in the press section at the Excel Center in Minneapolis, wondering if the woman sleeping next to us had been flopped out in that chair since the night before. A woman with a large cup of coffee greeted us while jerking her head up and down. On stage, a droning religious figure mumbled through some sort of sermon. The general vibe on the floor was, "How soon will this be over?"

That all changed when Sarah Palin took the stage. All of a sudden, the arena was jam-packed: the concession area cleared out, the press stopped answering their cell phones, and the crowd was on its feet more often than not. To say Palin was well-received was like saying Hillary Clinton would've been only lightly toasted at the stake. Okay, that sounds harsh, but it was clear that there's a new #1 female American political figure on the scene and that, no matter what happens in this election, Sarah Palin will not soon be forgotten.

With her relentless attack on Barack Obama, Palin proved she has the anger and determination necessary to offset attacks on her ethics, family problems, inexperience, and radically conservative positions. The mood at the RNC went from fear that this was the beginning of the end to "how will Barack-Biden top this?!"

We ran into Ron Paul outside. He said he doesn't know which candidate he'll back... but definitely not McCain.

Palin's triumph was not so much one of oratory or intelligence or originality, but rather of carefully-calculated political maneuverings masquerading as a speech. Kudos to Palin for her many devastating one-lingers. Kudos to her for realizing the soccer mom angle is going to play very well, and playing it up to the max.

McCain could clearly be seen to be glowing with vindication as he took the stage. (He had to come out a night early-- after all, Obama did the surprise appearance thing last week and McCain has never been one to allow a preemptive one-upping.) His advisers were downplaying our expectations for the speech tonight, although that's utter nonsense: John McCain can real knock a public appearance out of the park if he has a script.

And, after hearing Palin's fiery words, we're pretty sure McCain's is going to be packing a wallop...

All photos by the author.

Related:

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

We're Glad Levi Johnston Took This Opportunity To Start a College Fund for Baby

Hillary Clinton Strikes Back... Or Plays Nice... Tonight At The DNC

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton's return to the spotlight this evening will be met with the biggest cheers of the convention at least, one should expect, until Obama's speech on Thursday night...

Below, the full schedule for tonight's "show," plus: did the Dems blow it last night?

7:00PM EDT Economy – “Policy that got us where we are.”
Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, KS, convention co-chair, “GROWING THE ECONOMY”
Gov. Janet Napolitano, AZ, convention co-chair, “GROWING THE ECONOMY”

Gov. Ted Strickland (D) OH. “BUSH FAILED POLICIES”
Gov. Ed Rendell (D) PA. “BUSH FAILED POLICIES”

Gov. Deval Patrick (D) MA. “OBAMA’S ECONOMIC POLICIES”
Sen. Bob Casey Jr., PA. “OBAMA’S ECONOMIC POLICIES”

Gov. Brian Schweitzer (D) MT. “OBAMA ENERGY POLICY.”
Federico Pena, Fmr Energy Sec. “OBAMA ENERGY POLICY.”

8:00PM EDT
Women of the Senate
Sen. Chris Dodd, CT

9:00PM EDT
Al Gore
Libby Ledbetter

10:00PMEDT
Fmr. Gov. Mark Warner, VA. Keynote address
Senator Clinton Video
Clinton introduces her mother
Sen. Hillary Clinton, NY. “Headline Prime Time speaker”
Possible Obama remote live into convention

We're hoping they put Hillary on at a more reasonable time than indicated above (wouldn't it be better if by "Prime Time," they actually meant "we're going up against House reruns and another worthless America's Got Talent half-hour at 8 or 9pm") and that she hits McCain hard. Not on age, not on the Bush stuff, but on the shit that will stick: houses, the continued Republican incompetence on Iraq, the economy, Katrina, and on and on...

Hillary is out best hope to hammer away at McCain's surge (pun intended) in the polls, since, as it became very clear last night, the most aggressive politicking will have to wait until the RNC, where speakers are sure not to whimp out. (Ted Kennedy almost hit Bush on Iraq, but his words were something like "Obama will not try to bring our troops into a pointless war" instead of "John McCain wants another hundred years in Iraq-- this guy wouldn't know a failure if he was playing first base for the '86 Red Sox!" Or... um... whatever.)

Let us know what you thought of the DNC's opening night and what you hope to see tonight and beyond...

Related:

DNC Kicks Off Tonight With Ghosts Of Party Past

Who Would You Rather: House vs. McDreamy

If The Election Were Today... Round Two

The Wit and Wisdom of John McCain

Hillary Dresses Up As Stewardess, World Blocks Out Image

Wall-E's Puppet Master Revealed: It's Al Gore!

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:24:00 GMT

The right wing has gotten tired of trying to find something wrong with Obama's mortgage or which hand he uses to wipe away his Muslim tears while he salutes the Nazi flag. They have a new enemy, one who''s smaller than an ogre but still bigger than John McCain: Wall-E.

Although we haven't seen the movie, we've heard for weeks that Pixar's latest animated film would feature some political content, including some "left-wing propaganda."

“It was like a 90-minute lecture on the dangers of over consumption, big corporations, and the destruction of the environment,” Pollowitz writes at Planet Gore, National Review’s global-warming blog.
I have been a huge fan of Disney Pixar's movies. Parents are usually just as entertained as their kids are. With WALL-E, that's probably true only if you thought An Inconvenient Truth was Oscar-worthy. As for me, Pixar's latest offering was Godforsaken dreck. From the first moment of the film, my kids were bombarded with leftist propaganda about the evils of mankind. [National Review]
It’s propaganda! We’re talking about a movie that foists off on little kids the idea that human beings are bad for planet earth. And that’s not true. Why are human beings bad for planet earth? … If you take your kids to this, understand they’re going to come away with the idea that mommy and daddy are bad for the planet and the planet would be better off without them. [Lars Larson on MSNBC.]

Other conservatives disagreed with these assessments, with some bloggers/writers supporting the argument that Wall-E is actually right-wing propaganda:

“I was relieved to see a kids’ movie in which the obligatory message of ecological apocalypse is framed in terms of jeopardizing our own humanity, rather than being mean to poor Gaia,” writes Matt Frost at The American Scene.
Robert Patrick J. Ford of The American Conservative suggests that “Wall-E” is... more right-wing than left-wing. “The real tragedy of these callous conservative critics (say that three times fast) is that they are missing the real lessons of the movie, ones I found immediately attractive to a traditional conservative,” Ford writes. “In the film, it becomes clear that mass consumerism is not just the product of big business, but of big business wedded with big government.

Did you see Wall-E? Let us know what your thoughts are on the film, its quality, its political content, and anything else you think of.

Via Political Wrinkles.

Name That Politician: "A really strong body..."

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:14:00 GMT

"Perhaps the smell of his skin, something so fleeting, a little flicker, but definitely there,'' she says.
"Until that moment it had genuinely never crossed my mind that he was anything but a rival. The truth, I began to realize, was that he was a very good-looking young man, tall and slim, yet broad in the shoulders. A really strong body.'' [Bloomberg News]

Who is the politician, now outed as a total stud by his wife's juicy memoir? Here's a hint:

Nope, it's not Dame Helen Mirren, silly. It's another British hottie, former Prime Minister

Tony "The Looker" Blair!

Apparently, the poor bastard's wife received a 1.5 million pound advance to write the garbage you read an excerpt from above... and below:

"This year I had been a little more circumspect and had not packed my contraceptive equipment, out of sheer embarrassment,'' she writes, referring to how security staff had inspected her bags during earlier visits.

"As usual up there, it had been bitterly cold, and what with one thing and another ... but then, I thought, I can't be. I'm too old. It must be the menopause.'' [Bloomberg]

All kidding aside, Cherie ain't a bad writer... it's just... it's just, you know... TMI, yo!

"Speaking For Myself" by Cherie Blair is available now from Little Brown & Co. Try not to all leave Scanner for Amazon all at once, people...

Scanner Survey: Should We Abolish Superdelegates?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 May 2008 19:49:00 GMT

No, not should we abolish the process... should we abolish them with a great big laser, drowning them in popcorn, as in the end of Real Genius?

Vote in our poll, which really just asks the former, although we were tempted...

Meanwhile, the award-winning folks at Agit-Pop have produced an animation for your pleasure.

If you agree with this video, you should sign the letter (click on Take Action, above):

Dear Democratic Party Leadership (and you know who you are):

We the undersigned, do hereby urge you to fundamentally overhaul the superdelegate system. Or ditch it completely. You decide. Don't let this meltdown happen again. You're the "Democratic" Party for God's sake. We're watching and we vote.

They'll send the letters as e-mails to friendly DNC types like Al Gore and Donna Brazile... so if you agree or disagree, let us know in the comments.

Republican To Steal Election For Obama By Running Against Him

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 May 2008 15:06:00 GMT

In 2000, spoiler Ralph Nader, pretending to be a free-thinking ex-Democrat, helped throw the election to The Worst President in American History (™Doris Kearns Goodwin.) In 2004, John Kerry pretended to run for President, thus ensuring an easy re-election for The Worst President, who would've had no chance in hell otherwise.

Now, it's to the Republicans go the spoilers, with Jonathan McCain's shot at world domination threatened by none other than a Republican ex-Congressman and homo-hater...

Bob Barr, from the great ~~hate~~ state of Gawjya, will run as a Libertarian over the objections of the Republican Party, which has used spoilers against the Democrats for decades, much to the chagrin of clued-in liberals everywhere.

Most Republicans who asked him not to run "also said they understand why I'd run and why John McCain is not conservative and will not seriously tackle the growth in government power and spending," he said. "Some said they would vote for me if I ran, but for the sake of the Republican Party, they would prefer I didn't." [The Washington Times]

This is why the Republicans win and the good guys lose-- they know that all that matters is to win, at any cost, with the strongest general election candidate possible. Which is why they nominated John McCain, friend of the Independents and foe of the Commies, and why the Democrats finally figured this out, too, and nominated ~~Al Gore The Improved~~. No, wait, ~~John Edwards~~. Never mind.

Some fun facts about Bob Barr:

1) Has 36% name recognition with voters. By way of comparison, 84% of voters corrrectly identified Barack Obama as the guy from the Taliban.

2) May detract from McCain's vote total. The Washington Times notes the recent Zogby poll that found "45 percent of likely voters favoring Mr. Obama, 42 percent for Mr. McCain, 3 percent for Mr. Barr and 1 percent for Ralph Nader, with 8 percent undecided." Barr defeats Nader! We can see the Chicago Tribune headline now...

3) Led the impeachment against Bill Clinton. Of course, has made no move to apprehend the real criminal, George W. Bush. Partisan bastard.

4) Ironically, it was the Libertarian Party's ads attacking Barr for preferring continued government attacks on marijuana and an escalation in the wasteful War on Drugs that some say led to his defeat in 2002.

5) "Authored and co-sponsored the Defense of Marriage Act," "proposed that the Pentagon ban the practice of Wicca in the military," while nonetheless working with the dreaded ACLU to make sure the government leaves Americans to their private practices of possessing thermo-nuclear detonators and land mines. [Wikipedia]

In other words, he makes John McCain look like Ho Chi Min.

Who Would You Pick?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:10:00 GMT

No, not which one of the above-pictured Democratic candidates... rather, a more civil discussion can be had about the second most important issue facing Democrats today...

The Vice Presidential pick. (Yawn, you say. Well... it's a while before the next primary, we gotta talk about something, people...)

Who do you want to see as the VP? Assuming neither candidate will pick the other, is there anyone worth a damn you'd want to see on that ballot with ~~Obama~~ ~~Hillary~~ Al Gore?

John Edwards?

Joe Biden?! Dennis Kucinich??!?!?!?

Janet Nopolitano? Tina Fey? Who?

Will Al Gore Save America?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 13:30:00 GMT

It hasn't been confirmed by any news outlets we trust, but over the weekend, the Scotsman broke a story that could, if true, mean the end of the Democratic primary...

"They're in discussions," a source close to Carter told Scotland on Sunday. "Carter has been talking to Gore. They will act, possibly together, or in sequence."

If Al Gore and Jimmy Carter were to hold a press conference and endorse either candidate simultaneously (the barely credible Scotsman story specifies Obama as the choice of both men), it would immediately end the primary process and rally superdelegates and undecideds, unify the party, and redirect the attention toward November and the matchup with McCain.)

Look for this story to die or become a shocking reality, basically over the next 24 hours.

For more, read the full (and thin) piece.

PS The above video, taken of Hillary Clinton responding to Obama's relentless verbal assault on thinking voters everywhere, is a bit manipulative, but does show why Hillary Clinton is a better campaigner than Barack Obama-- she knows how to attack and regain the upperhand in anything. Will Barack learn in time to battle the Swift Boaters, the GOP think tanks, and right-wing radio?

If he can stay on the offensive, or turn a guffaw into an advantage, he may be able to pull this thing off after all. For example, within hours of Obama's speech featuring an offhand remark about "bitter" Americans tired of blah blah blah, a supporter leapt to his defense, launching Bitter Voters For Obama.

Bitter, and proud of it. Clinton says we're 'resilient,' but we can't take it any more.

This and dozens of comments at bittervoters.org.

Today in Global Warming: 10 Fun Surprises

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 19:47:00 GMT

Al Gore today declined to speculate on whether he will end up the consensus candidate and drive a Gore-Clinton Prius to the White House this year. In celebration of the former President-Elect's resurgence, Live Science put together a list of the Top 10 Surprising Results of Global Warming, most of which do not involve blogging by candlelight.

10. Aggravated Allergies, which we think is a great parody name for another one of those awful emo bands.

9. Animals Are Heading For The Hills, which would be a great title for a Gawker post about this season's premiere.

8. The Artic is Blooming! Plants are springing up earlier than ever, it seems. Unfortunately, those plants are embedded in icebergs rushing at 40 knots per minute toward New York City.

7. 125 lakes have disappeared from the Arctic in just the last few years. Any neocons wanna guess where that water might end up?

6. Global warming is thawing shit that's, like, under the ice! Like, the soil or something. Seriously, your house is going to collapse into one of the new Grand Canyons sure to spring up in 2312.

5. Animals may miss out on food because their migration patterns won't change with the fluctuations in the seasons. Without any birds around, Dick Cheney will be forced to blame his shooting of humans on drink and despair.

4. Speedier Satellites. Will James Bond be able to stop S.P.E.C.T.R.E. if this happens? Holy shit, we're doomed.

3. Mountains will grow in elevation. Wait, mountains are fucking alive?!

2. Ruined Ruins. Flooding will destroy monuments to extinct civilizations, such as something called "Black People in Louisiana."

1. Forest Fire Frenzy. That's okay, everybody has fire insurance that covers forest fire-related damage and contains no secret clauses, right? Whoops.

For the real list, click here.

Opinion: Al Gore, John Kerry, and... Oh No, Not Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 14:23:00 GMT

Why do the Democrats do this to themselves? They always stubbornly ignore the warning signs and pick the candidate least likely to win a general election, whether it's a monotonous vice-president (Gore) or an ultra-liberal blowhard from Massachusetts with zero crossover appeal (Kerry, Dukakis.) In all those races (well, except maybe in '88 after Gary Hart blew it by getting blown by someone other than his wife), there was a candidate who appealed to core Democratic values and could actually win a general election.

This primary battle is not so simple. On the surface, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama agree on more than enough issues to make them equally fitting candidates. But it's the electability issue that is being ignored, particularly in Ohio and Texas, that should have been the #1 deciding factor in yesterday's primaries, plus the key #2 deciding factor, should have given us different results.

The #2 deciding factor? Whether voting for a certain candidate prolongs that candidate's inevitable defeat. As the New York Times pointed out:

Even before the polls closed, Mr. Obama’s aides said that given their lead in delegates over Mrs. Clinton, it was not possible for her to catch up with in the few remaining fights left.

This has nothing do with Hillary Clinton. We love Hillary, but she cannot win this contest and should not even have been in the race on Tuesday. Newsweek, regarding McCain having secured the nomination last night, said this morning:

[McCain] knows that the fierce rivalry between Obama and Clinton—which is likely to continue through the Pennsylvania primary on April 22 and could potentially last until the final primary in Puerto Rico in June—opens the way for him to define the terms of the fall campaign. That's what happened to John Kerry in 2004. In that election Kerry actually secured the Democratic nomination in March, but stayed silent while the Republican machine branded him a flip-flopper—waiting for what one of his aides called the "regular campaign season." By the time of that summer's Democratic convention, Kerry had been painted into a corner from which he never emerged.

Do we really want that again? Handing the Republican nominee a free ride till the last minute? Both candidates being equal, how about just ending this thing today and putting all our resources into trouncing that flip-flopping, liberal, smug, wrinkly, droning, war veteran of a Senator. (No, not John Kerry, you silly. McCain! McCain!)

And if you want to argue that this was a clear victory for Clinton, let's have a look-see at those exit polls first, shall we? Let's make sure this wasn't just a victory for the Republicans, as Politics1 mulls:

[As] both Texas and Ohio are open primaries, conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh urged GOP conservatives on Monday to cast primary ballots for Clinton in order to prolong the Dem nomination fight.

As if you need anymore evidence that this is helping the GOP. Bottom line: this isn't about Obama or Clinton. They're both great Senators and good Democrats (although far from solid progressives.) The point here is to win-- we have to come together as a party, as a country, and unite behind a candidate we can believe in who can also win the whole shebang. That candidate is not-- you can ask Republicans, independents, and centrists, the key three groups that will decide the November vote-- going to be the Senator from New York.

UPDATE: Slate has a great story this morning on Bugs Bunny vs. Daffy Duck. Guess who is who?

The Miramax Telethon: Has Anything Good Ever Won An Oscar?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:00:00 GMT

After The Wind That Shakes the Barely, Zodiac, and Roberto Benigni got robbed last night, it's time to vent about the Oscars, last night and over the years. The show is laughable enough, but looking back on movies that were ignored is far more embarrassing an exercise.

Here are our picks, besides the obvious snubs like Citizen Kane and The Hottie and the Nottie:

-John Travolta lost the 1995 Best Actor race to Tom Hanks. For Pulp Fiction and Forrest Fucking Gump, (dis)respectfully.

-Crash. The most pretentious piece of garbage ever nominated for an Oscar, this was about as realistic a film as the Amy Fisher sex tape, only with better nudity.

-The hottest bitch of all-time, Bette Davis, in All About Eve. Nope, she didn't win. Somebody named Judy Holliday won for Born Yesterday. Worse, there apparently was a Melanie Griffith remake that gave Holliday even more credibility. Ouch.

-The entire list of winners from 1998: let's have a redo, shall we?

-The list goes on and on: Rocky, the same year as Network; Al Gore For President at the '01 ceremony; any film that didn't get nominated in any category that A Few Good Men or Scent of a Woman were nominated in (that includes Pacino's); and that movie with that loser horse that gets mounted by Tobey Maguire and gets all excited and goes on to win a buttload of crazy races. That movie was fucking ace!

You cats should also check out Slate's rundown of all the crap made by actors after they've taken home Oscars.

About Time Obama Lightened Up A Little...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Senator Barack Obama, the great speechmaker and not-so-great speech-er (he too often buries his nose in his notes), showed his lighter side on Letterman last night. It reminded us of the legendary post-2004 SNL appearance by (President) Al Gore, giving everyone the feeling that if he'd just acted like a normal person during the campaign, he'd have easily beaten Bush. Luckily, it may not be too late yet for people to warm up to the Democratic Presidential candidate.

Here's the complete Top Ten from the Late Show:

10. To keep the budget balanced, I’ll rent the situation room for sweet sixteens.

9. I will double your tax money at the craps table.

8. Appoint Mitt Romney secretary of lookin’ good.

7. If you bring a gator to the White House, I’ll wrassle it.

6. I’ll put Regis on the nickel.

5. I’ll rename the tenth month of the year “Barack-tober.”

4. I won’t let Apple release the new and improved Ipod the day after you bought the previous model.

3. I’ll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece.

2. Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear.

1. Three words: Vice President Oprah.

He needs all the laughs and publicity he can get. After all, what with the Times endorsement of Hillary, this will not be a good day for him.

For more laughs, see another recent Obama Top Ten List, this one strictly "facts" about him.

[Photo: Associated Press/CBS]

Video of the Day: Al Gore is Pro-Gay Marriage (And Kind of Boring)

Bryan Christian — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 17:01:00 GMT

OK, so, truth-be-told, we kinda fell asleep during this the first time, and as a result, we could have sworn that he was pro-gay promiscuity -- which we thought was really radical of him -- so for a while our post was gonna sound something like this:

So if you're gay -- or maybe even just a little curious -- head on out to the bathhouse for a little gloryholin' and tell 'em Al sent ya!

Ha ha! Good thing we watched this a second time, huh?

Seriously, we applaud Al Gore's earnest endorsement of gay marriage -- even if it's proof positive that a) he's not running for President, and b) he might be just as droning as we all thought he was before that Oscar -- but we can't help but think that, should Mr. Actual President want to keep making provocative(ish) political statements via video blog, he might want to jazz them up a little. You know, in case he doesn't want to lull us all into a restful and more recuperative slumber. We'd recommend that he just grab the camera and start bawling "Leave the gays ALONE!" but we're doubtful he'd commit to wearing the requisite eyeliner. Y'all got any other ideas?

In the News: Gen Y Needs to Grow Up, Get Haircut

sarahhepola — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 13:11:00 GMT

Gen Y, the Cuddle Party is over: Newsweek has decided it is time for you to grow up. And you know what? They’re right. (This news item was brought to you by your mother.)

No boys allowed, not even Christopher Hitchens: Slate starts a women’s-only politics blog. What do you wanna bet it’s not funny?

Some of you should be excited about this: We can argue about Al Gore all day long, until you actually reduce your own carbon footprint, make a documentary that impacts the world, and recover elegantly from one of the most devastating and humiliating political disappointments in history. But he is not running for president. So there. Happy now?

We are so fucking screwed: Woman cited for cursing at her toilet.

Crush of the Week: Al Gore

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 21:00:00 GMT

Remember when Al Gore was a stiff, humorless loser? Pretty hard to imagine now that he's won an Oscar, an Emmy, a MTV Movie Award, the Nobel Peace Prize and, most importantly, Scanner's Crush of the Week. Goddamn! We are so proud of Al Gore! He is the winningest losing presidential candidate in history. If he'd have us, we'd gladly abandon the real world and join him in his quest to curb widespread climate change. Also, he looks foxy in a shirt and tie.

And for this he is our Crush of the Week.

In the News: Crushing on Al Gore, Bad News for Chlamydia Lovers

sarahhepola — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 13:14:00 GMT

Al Gore wins Nobel Peace Prize. Al Gore is so totally laid right now.

Chlamydia can make men infertile. Please, kids. Use a condom with Al Gore.

Ohhh, we get it now. That Vatican official was only pretending to be gay.

Credit card debt? You may be Lindsay Lohan. Sweet! Have a drink.

Scanner : al gore

People are Jokesters Today!

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Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

Sloppy Seconds: C-ya L8-R, TRL

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

Hillary Clinton Strikes Back... Or Plays Nice... Tonight At The DNC

Wall-E's Puppet Master Revealed: It's Al Gore!

Name That Politician: "A really strong body..."

Scanner Survey: Should We Abolish Superdelegates?

Republican To Steal Election For Obama By Running Against Him

Who Would You Pick?

Will Al Gore Save America?

Today in Global Warming: 10 Fun Surprises

Opinion: Al Gore, John Kerry, and... Oh No, Not Again

The Miramax Telethon: Has Anything Good Ever Won An Oscar?

About Time Obama Lightened Up A Little...

Video of the Day: Al Gore is Pro-Gay Marriage (And Kind of Boring)

In the News: Gen Y Needs to Grow Up, Get Haircut

Crush of the Week: Al Gore

In the News: Crushing on Al Gore, Bad News for Chlamydia Lovers