Scanner : alaska

"Fairbanks Man Gets Plea Deal, Wedding"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:22:00 GMT

It's always disturbed me to open a link someone sends me to read this on a newspaper's website: "FAIRBANKS-- A man charged with sexual assault is getting married." Thanks, but I'd rather not have either of those crimes attributed to me in dictionary definition form (i.e. FARRIS-- A woman charged with maintaining a stable of bearded men received probation today.")

Seriously, though, check out "my" quote in the paper today: “I’m dumbstruck to even have my name put in this situation,” he said. “This doesn’t begin to describe the caliber of man I am.” That about covers it. It also reminds us of the time we e-mailed Anton Newcombe, he the famed frontman for The Brian Jonestown Massacre about his having been convicted of murder in Australia. (It's true-- a man named Anton Newcombe is a convicted murderer.) His entire response: "Woah. Trippy."

Anyway, the actual story out of Fairbanks, Alaska is bizarre enough to warrant its own post, even without my name:

A 32-year-old man was charged with forcing his girlfriend to have sex with him by knifepoint. The three felony accounts were reduced to three misdemeanors after a strange and unforseen twist: the girlfriend says she's "hazy" on the events and never said that the act was nonconsensual. Even these are not uncommon. What really shocked the judge was this:

The woman, who asked not to be identified, briefly spoke at Thursday’s hearing and announced that she and Pignataro plan to get married soon.
“It’s very unusual for someone at sentencing to announce they’re getting married,” Downes said. “That’s the first time I’ve heard that for 40 years I’ve been doing this.”

Pignataro briefly spoke, attributing the charges, his only run-in with the law, to problems with alcohol. He vowed to stay sober in the future.

So, there you have it folks. How did the Judge fall for that ol' trick? Slash your girlfriends tires, force her to have sex with her, and then make her tell the judge you're going to marry her "one of these days" so he can get off with time served. It's the Fairbanks way.

More on this case via Daily News-Miner.

Related:

Anderson Cooper's Mom Likes The Dirty Talk

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Erykah Badu's Stalker

Important Music Trend: Olds Backed Up by Cutes

While You Were Sleeping: Oprah's School's Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Attention, ladies: Gerard Butler's next movie features the actor in a nude scene.

Bruno has been slapped with an NC-17 rating for pervasive sexxx.

Josh Hartnett is in the hospital for stomach pains. Cue gerbil allegations in three, two...

The weirdest (but maybe most interesting) story in ages: the woman who starved her 1-year-old son to death because her cult would not let the boy eat unless he said "Amen" pled guilty in the most unusual plea deal we've ever heard of. Prosecutors claim that the only way they could get her to take the deal was to promise-- and this they had to do in open court-- that, should the child be resurrected (as his mother claims he will one day), the charges are withdrawn. God bless Baltimore, baby.

A boy (age unknown) won a $2.3 million negligence settlement against the physician who botched his circumcision. I wouldn't do it for anything less than moving the decimal point two places to the right.

Oprah Winfrey's famous South African school is seeing its second sex scandal in as many years.

Sarah Palin has to pick a Democrat to fill a state Senate seat in Alaska. So, of course, she has a Republican switch his voter registration, say that there was something "wrong" with it, and take the seat. This is totally excusable politics, except for the fact that they're so sneaky and lie about their reasoning, the Democrats who have to accept this will never do it. Can Governor Palin do anything right?

A bunch of Somali pirates attacked... a decoy ship filled with troops looking for pirates to capture. Nice.

And Holly Madison claims to have insisted on "minimal" Photoshopping at Playboy during her time there.

While You Were Sleeping: Bad Choice by SNL

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:33:00 GMT

Ellen Barkin may do an HBO series that will serve as her revenge plot against her asshole ex-husband.

A boy opened a large birthday present and discovered his Dad, home from Iraq, inside.

Morrissey, Amy Winehouse, My Bloody Valentine, Leonard Cohen, the Cure, and Paul McCartney are the headliners for Coachella. (David Bowie said no.)

You can thank Joe Biden for pushing Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State.

Blago got "fucking impeached."

Alaska is about to be wiped out by a giant volcano. Or something.

We can't imagine she's a strong comedian: Caroline Kennedy may be heading to SNL.

And Mike White, writer/co-star of the School of Rock and other films, will join his very interesting Dad on The Amazing Race. This might actually be worth watching now...

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

Scanner Highs and Lows: Friday Night Lit

How Low Can You Go, Wino (and Us)?

Blake Fielder-Civil Sends Amy Winehouse A Pic Of His Dick

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Things seem to be looking up for Jennifer Hudson this year. Rumor has it, she may be singing the "Star Spangled Banner" for Obama's inauguration. [Radar]

Matt Dillon is facing a possible three months in jail if convicted for driving 103 miles an hour in a 65-mph zone. [Us]

John Travolta's son, Jett, is dead at 16. [Gawker]

Who is Lily Allen's new gray-haired mystery man? [FadedYouth]

The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex is losing its appeal as a tourist destination. [Queerty]

Like her mother before her, Bristol Palin went straight back to ~~work~~ school days after the birth of her son. Or so her mother would like us to know. [People]

Like us, Kate Winslet does not go to the gym. Unlike us, it works for her. [FameCrawler]

Related:

What's It Like Having Sex With Leonardo DiCaprio?

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Underage Sex

Kate Winslet Takes it Off for Vanity Fair

Sarah Palin Elevated to GILF Status, or Bristol Palin Pops One Out

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:33:00 GMT

Just yesterday we were commenting on the VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) t-shirts blogger Rachel Kramer Bussel found and today we are pleased as punch to announce that our very own (well, ours, yours, Alaska's, Russia's) Sarah Palin is officially a GILF.

World, please welcome little baby Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, who, according to People was born a healthy 7 lbs. 7 oz. Saturday in Palmer, Alaska.

[People: Bristol Palin Welcomes a Son]

Sloppy Seconds: It's Hailin' Palin

Is Bristol Palin now Bristol Palin-Johnston?

We Will Totally Crap Our Pants if Bristol Palin Pops Out a Mixed Race Baby

Scandals Clinging To Sarah Palin Like Trig To Her Pantsuit

[Image via Gawker]

Scanner's Woman of the Year: You Decide

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

GOP Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin vs. Eliot Spitzer's High Class Call Girl Ashley Alexandra Dupre

No, this is not a Who Would You Rather? (though, who would you rather?). It's just us asking you to help decide who should be Scanner's Woman of the Year. We had an easy time with Scanner's Man of the Year, and his penis, but we'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Woman of the year was a little more difficult. There were two women who brought us more laughter, tears and page views than any other females all year. Now it's up to you to decide which lovely lady will be awarded this top honor.

The winner gets, at the very least, an open love letter and photo essay from Scanner Emily.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Nude Sarah Palin vs. Nude Sarah Palin...

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Loving, Naked Tributes to Sarah Palin Just Keep on Coming

Ashley Alexandra Dupre Did Exactly What We Told Her Not to Do

Who Would You Rather? Ashley Alexandra Dupre vs. "Kristen"

An Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre: We're Gonna Write a Book!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Stumps for Sarah Palin, We Drink Heavily

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 14:33:00 GMT

At a rally in Tampa, FL yesterday The View's resident Republican and woman we love to hate, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, introduced Sarah Palin and her accessories including, but not limited to, her "priceless" flag pin and her special-needs child.

It's not pretty. If you can handle nearly ten minutes of Hasselbeck's tortured metaphors, click on through. Or wait until you can get home and pour yourself a drink. We had to watch this in two minute shifts with a shot of whiskey in between each.

P.S. The Anchorage Daily News endorsed Obama yesterday, too. That is all. Thanks.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture?

Sloppy Seconds: Queen Latifah on Being Gay

Sloppy Seconds: Has Colin Powell Finally Made Up His Mind?

Sloppy Seconds: The Baldwins on Gay Marriage and the Unfortunate Pairing of Heidi Montag and Britney Spears

While You Were Sleeping: Janet Jackson Hospitalized

Sloppy Seconds: Lily Allen Would Very Much Like Sir Elton John to F*ck Off, Seriously

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Scandals Clinging To Sarah Palin Like Trig To Her Pantsuit

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Forgive the obnoxious headline-- we're serious that Sarah Palin is becoming bogged down in scandals.

Troopergate is, of course, the one investigation she hasn't been able to talk her way out of. With that hanging over her and threatening to derail the McCain campaign, a second major revelation broke last night, one that probably won't change any hearts or minds about the Republican VP candidate...

Palin's power-crazed tenure as the very popular Governor of a heavily Republican state has seen a pattern of ethical lapses and outright abuses of power, topped by this one: According to an Associated Press investigation, Palin is believed to have:

1) charged the state of Alaska for expenses incurred, including airline tickets, to transport her children to their father's snowmobile race.

2) amended her expense reports to falsely claim the children (and the family, of course) were actually on these kinds of outings as part of "state business."

3) charged the state for a trip to New York she took with Bristol that including a five-day stay in a high-priced hotel... all for a five-hour leadership conference in the city that took place on only one of those days.

4) when reporters began inquiries as part of this investigation, Palin allegedly ordered unspecified reports altered, usually adding either "First Family attending" or "First Family invited" in an attempt to justify the presence of her family even when the family had not been requested by event organizers.

It was also noted that Palin's tax records has already raised questions because the family did not report its reimbursed travel costs as income.

The article is rather extensive and includes expanded meditations on these allegations. Read it in its entirety here.

Meanwhile, Palin is expected to give a deposition in the Troopergate investigation at Friday's hearing.

Related:

Caption This: Todd Palin's Baby Mama

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Cheerleaders Make Sports Watchable Again

Scanner Highs and Lows: What About Jo The Plumber?

New Father About to Become Newly Single

Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

While You Were Watching the Debates: We Tried Out Political Punditry

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:17:00 GMT

Okay, that's not entirely true. We used to be far too involved in politics for our own good. But last night, we couldn't help but visit our old friends at Drinking Liberally where we met a Scanner fan and got interviewed by the local news.

While You Were Sleeping: Which Hollywood Celeb Loves Anal Sex?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

The leader of the dreaded Taliban in Pakistan is dead. Much to everyone's chagrin, his death is from kidney failure.

This new Dr. Drew sex show isn't going over well. Especially the stuff about Moms and their sons discussing each others' sex lives.

That nonsense about Russia being so close to Alaska? Turns out it's truer than we thought...

Owen Wilson's new addiction? Text messaging.

Sharon Stone is really starting to freak us out. Stop it!

And we were going to wait for the full Esquire feature, but it's taking forever to come out, so we'll just tell you what we know: Anne Hathaway has become the first Hollywood star to publicly praise anal sex:

“Every woman should try it, otherwise they miss out on something amazing.” She adds that anal penetration makes her feel “feminine in a very special way.”

The actress also spoke at length about the significance selecting a trustworthy partner for first time anal encounters.

Via Pop Crunch.

Related:

Spencer Pratt Knows a Thing or Seven About Initiating Anal Sex

Karrine Steffans Asks That You Please Take Your Anal Beads Home With You

The 99 Most Degrading Sex Acts... There Has To Be One More, No?

Coming Soon: Nude Photos of Anne Hathaway

While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Girl, Molested By Teacher And Guidance Counselor, Is Kicked Out Of School

Sloppy Seconds: Is Lindsay Lohan High on Drugs or Love?

Emily Farris — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Katie Couric asks Sarah Palin what, exactly, does Alaska have to do with Russia? [MollyGood]

It's a little creepy to think of that guy from Moviefone making a list of "the hottest young stars." [MTV]

Brad Pitt can wear just about anything, as long as he doesn't have that terrible goatee. [FameCrawler]

Lance Bass is super happy for gay Clay Aiken. [People]

Some suspect that Lilo is back on drugs. She is looking quite thin these days. Perhaps she's just so happy and in love she forgets to eat? [FadedYouth]

Palin's Big Cancer-Causing Purchase

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Ever wonder how Sarah Palin keeps that beautiful tan even in the cold, Alaska winters? Wonder no more.

Apparently, Mrs. Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's Mansion so that she, and her artificially brown children, can keep that Florida glow year round.

"She did. She paid for it with her own money," Roger Wetherell, chief communications officer of Alaska's Department of Transportation and Public Facilities told Us Weekly.

Not surprising, considering Palin is a former beauty queen. We all know that in the beauty queen world pale equals ugly. And probably poor. Bristol probably would have had no chance at getting knocked up had she been all pasty and shit.

We wonder how her running mate, John McCain, who has twice battled skin cancer, feels about all this...

[Us: Sarah Palin Installed Tanning Bed at Governor's Mansion]

Related:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Sloppy Seconds: It's Hailin' Palin

We Will Totally Crap Our Pants if Bristol Palin Pops Out a Mixed Race Baby

Is Bristol Palin now Bristol Palin-Johnston?

Rumor Mongering: The Palin Kids

**Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck**

Fun With The Interwebs: Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:39:00 GMT

It was only a matter of time before someone put together a Sarah Palin baby name generator. Click through for our name and how you can make yours.

Scanner Emily's Sarah Palin Baby Name is Mustache Warthog Palin. Kinda' makes us think we have a chance to really make something of ourselves someday.

Then we tried putting in Scanner, which is already a Palin baby name of sorts, but if Scanner were born to the Palins we'd be Sport Grunt Palin. God, our future would have been so different...

What's yours?

[Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator]

Alaska Women Make History Rallying Against Palin

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Apparently, you know an event in Alaska is a success when 25 people turn out for it. So imagine one Anchorage woman's surprise when she joined 1,400 other women to rally against the state's governor, Sarah Palin.

The rally was organized by a small group of women, talking over coffee. It made me wonder what other things have started with small groups of women talking over coffee. It’s probably an impressive list. These women hatched the plan, printed up flyers, posted them around town, and sent notices to local media outlets. One of those media outlets was KBYR radio, home of Eddie Burke, a long-time uber-conservative Anchorage talk show host. Turns out that Eddie Burke not only announced the rally, but called the people who planned to attend the rally “a bunch of socialist baby-killing maggots”, and read the home phone numbers of the organizers aloud over the air, urging listeners to call and tell them what they thought. The women, of course, received many nasty, harassing and threatening messages.

So, as I jettisoned myself from the jaws of the ‘Drill Baby Drill’ crowd and toward the mystery rally at the library, I felt a bit apprehensive. I’d been disappointed before by the turnout at other rallies. Basically, in Anchorage, if you can get 25 people to show up at an event, it’s a success. So, I thought to myself, if we can actually get 100 people there that aren’t sent by Eddie Burke, we’ll be doing good. A real statement will have been made. I confess, I still had a mental image of 15 demonstrators surrounded by hundreds of menacing “socialist baby-killing maggot” haters.

It’s a good thing I wasn’t tailgating when I saw the crowd in front of the library or I would have ended up in somebody’s trunk. When I got there, about 20 minutes early, the line of sign wavers stretched the full length of the library grounds, along the edge of the road, 6 or 7 people deep! I could hardly find a place to park. I nabbed one of the last spots in the library lot, and as I got out of the car and started walking, people seemed to join in from every direction, carrying signs.

Never, have I seen anything like it in my 17 and a half years living in Anchorage. The organizers had someone walk the rally with a counter, and they clicked off well over 1400 people (not including the 90 counter-demonstrators). This was the biggest political rally ever, in the history of the state. I was absolutely stunned. The second most amazing thing is how many people honked and gave the thumbs up as they drove by. And even those that didn’t honk looked wide-eyed and awe-struck at the huge crowd that was growing by the minute. This just doesn’t happen here.

Alas, it was the pro-Palin rally that made national news that day, but at least we have the New York Times to remind us that Once Elected, Palin Hired Friends and Lashed Foes. Buried deep in that article (as BoingBoing points out):

[L]awmakers in April accused her of improperly culling thousands of e-mail addresses from a state database for a mass mailing to rally support for a policy initiative.

While Ms. Palin took office promising a more open government, her administration has battled to keep information secret. Her inner circle discussed the benefit of using private e-mail addresses. An assistant told her it appeared that such e-mail messages sent to a private address on a “personal device” like a BlackBerry “would be confidential and not subject to subpoena.”

Ms. Palin and aides use their private e-mail addresses for state business. A campaign spokesman said the governor copied e-mail messages to her state account “when there was significant state business.”

On Feb. 7, Frank Bailey, a high-level aide, wrote to Ms. Palin’s state e-mail address to discuss appointments. Another aide fired back: “Frank, this is not the governor’s personal account.” Mr. Bailey responded: “Whoops~!”

Mr. Bailey, a former midlevel manager at Alaska Airlines who worked on Ms. Palin’s campaign, has been placed on paid leave; he has emerged as a central figure in the trooper investigation.

Another confidante of Ms. Palin’s is Ms. Frye, 27. She worked as a receptionist for State Senator Lyda Green before she joined Ms. Palin’s campaign for governor. Now Ms. Frye earns $68,664 as a special assistant to the governor. Her frequent interactions with Ms. Palin’s children have prompted some lawmakers to refer to her as “the babysitter,” a title that Ms. Frye disavows. Like Mr. Bailey, she is an effusive cheerleader for her boss.

“YOU ARE SO AWESOME!” Ms. Frye typed in an e-mail message to Ms. Palin in March.

Awesome doesn't even begin to describe it, dear.

[Mudflats: ‘Alaska Women Reject Palin’ Rally is HUGE!]

Live from New York: Fey and Poehler do Palin and Clinton

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:24:00 GMT

Think what you want about Saturday Night Live these days, but it's hard to deny the hilarity that is the combination of Tina Fey's Sarah Palin (in Tina Fey glasses, of course) and Amy Poehler's Hillary Clinton—especially when balls, barbed wire and dog sleds are involved. If only Hillary had wanted it more. *Sigh.*

Video after the jump.

Penis Iceberg, Right Ahead!

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 15:25:00 GMT

We have a hard time believing this penis-shaped iceberg, snapped in the Bransfield Straight, near Antarctica, is real, but we'd like to think it's Mother Nature sending us a little message about global warming.

But how could one fake a penis-shaped iceberg?

Even the folks at Metro seemed to have a hard time with this one:

If there was any doubt about the terrible threat that global warming poses to humanity, then it can now be dismissed - as this shocking photograph proves that climate change is turning icebergs into giant penises.
The cockberg was photographed by Andy Rouse* in the Bransfield Strait near Antarctica.

Experts now believe** that it is only a matter of time before an armada of penis-shaped chunks begin to break off the Antarctic ice floes, and then roam the oceans wreaking havoc and luring sailors to their doom.

* We were sceptical of this name. Andy Rouse? A Rouse? Arouse? But he is real, it turns out, and takes very many nice pictures, most of which aren't penis-related in any way.

** No they don't.

Either way, it's pretty fucking awesome. Pun intended.

[Metro: Giant ice penis - is climate change to blame?]

Grope The Sculpture, Live Forever

A Walk in the Sexy Park

We Can Imagine What Pete Doherty Had for His Last Supper

Help! The Giant Penis Man Needs You!

Sloppy Seconds: It's Hailin' Palin

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Are you tired of Sarah Palin coverage yet? Is it better if we just lump it all into Sloppy Seconds?

Above, reader Pat Kearney's very-scary pitbull in lipstick. Pat, are you ready for your spanking from Scanner Brian?

Even though Heart explicitly asked the McCain-Palin camp to stop using their song "Barracuda," on the campaign trail, they haven't. Nancy, don't you know they can do whatever they want? They don't have to listen to you. Duh! [MTV]

Why would Wasilla, AK be the worst place in the country to get raped? Because Palin would make you pay for your own rape kit. [HuffPo]

Oh shit, does she think this election is the big pageant? That would make so much more sense. [MollyGood]

"Don’t get me wrong. I love Bristol. She’s fine. But I sure as shit didn’t think this is where I’d end up when we snuck off into the woods all those nights and she finally let me do what I felt in my bones God had intended for us to do. Maybe God did want us to have this baby. That’s what Mrs. P keeps saying, and hell if I’m gonna disagree with that nasty kootch. She’s the kinda lady who’ll saw your nuts off with a rusty hunting blade while she’s baking cupcakes for Sunday chapel." [The Morning News]

[NY Press: Beyond the Palin]

We Will Totally Crap Our Pants if Bristol Palin Pops Out a Mixed Race Baby

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 14:25:00 GMT

Meet Kevin. He's a registered Democrat who plans to vote for Barack Obama. He also claims to be the biological father of Bristol Palin's not-yet-born child.

Should we not believe Kevin because he lives in Los Angeles? Nah, he claims he was visiting his uncle who was working on the pipeline. Should we not believe him because he pronounces "Palin" incorrectly? Nah, we've slept with people whose names we don't even remember, so we can't fault the guy for that. So, uh, is there any reason not to believe this guy, except maybe the fact that Sarah Palin probably wouldn't have let Bristol keep a mixed-race baby?

Check out what Kevin has to say:

So now we're thinking maybe we shouldn't believe Kevin because that was the greatest bit of guerilla marketing we've ever seen. Check out his MySpace page.

We think tomorrow we'll make a video about our lesbian love affair with Sarah...oh, and Bristol!

Previously:

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

**Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck**

Where to Find a Craigslist Missed Connection in Alaska

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:52:00 GMT

According to this adorable chart of your best change for a Craigslist missed connection in all fifty states, Fred Meyer is the place to find your mystery admirer (or admired) in Alaska.

But for those 99% of us who don't live in Alaska, what about the rest of the country?

Head to Starbucks or Walmart next time you want to make eyes at a stranger -- or Hooters, if you happen to be in Texas.

Related:

This Weekend In Missed Connections: Bus Driver Blues

Today in Missed Connections: Those Damn Bedbugs are Back

Missed Connections

No Longer Missing the Missed Connections

When Missed Connections Aren't Special Enough For Your Mystery Dream Girl

"I had bedbugs, you had herpes."

Times Trend Alert: People Have Sex With People They Know

Today in Craigslist Missed Connections

Top 5 Rumors We'd Like to Start About Sarah Palin... But Won't

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:58:00 GMT

After all the Sarah Palin rumor mongering that swept the blogosphere—and then the mainstream media—in the last week, we got a little scared by how easy it would be to start a rumor when one has a blog with a decent readership. Then we got a little excited by the idea. We were turned on by the power. But then we realized it would be wrong. Okay, we always knew it was wrong, but we realized we could get in trouble. In the end, though, making up rumors about someone we don't like is just too much fun to pass up. But it's wrong. So instead of starting rumors about Sarah Palin, we'll just tell you the rumors we thought about starting.

Ladies and gentleman, here you have it: the top 5 completely untrue (to our knowledge), absolutely false rumors we would make up about about GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin, but won't.

5. When the McCain camp got in touch with Palin about the vice-presidency, they told her she'd have to get rid of her Hummer. She was super upset, she said, because she felt like it was the only place she could get some alone time on her way to and from work and Wal-Mart.

4. Sarah married Todd Palin because she was pregnant with Track (okay, this one might actually be true, but we have no proof).

3. Sarah has a tattoo of Alaska right where her ass meets her back, on the left side.

2. Sarah once made out with Anne Heche while Heche was in town filming "Men in Trees." Palin later wrote Heche an email telling her how much she liked it.*

1. The media has it all backwards. Trig isn't the son of Bristol, he is Sarah's baby. But he is the son of Levi Johnston (Bristol's boyfriend). Sarah has been having an affair with Johnston since he was 13. Palin became pregnant with Johnston's child in the summer of 2006, but aborted it in the first trimester. When she got pregnant again, she felt too guilty to abort, especially considering it was conceived in her favorite place ever: her Hummer. Eventually, Johnston fell in love with Bristol and Sarah thought it would be a good idea to let the two date. Johnston claims he was always in love with Bristol and that Sarah Palin seduced him (against his will) one summer; Sarah claims otherwise.

Related:

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

We're Glad Levi Johnston Took This Opportunity To Start a College Fund for Baby

*This one's for you, Baron von Monkeychow.

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:02:00 GMT

Sarah Palin is already an historic figure. As the first female on a Republican Presidential ticket, she will never be forgotten... or, when it comes to Democratic bloggers, forgiven.

They have already spread rumors of her having lied about her fifth child's true origins, attacked her fitness to be President, Troopergate, etc. etc. Now the McCain-Palin campaigns deny the following nude photo is of Palin (allegedly from her beauty pageant days):

It's either her or Julia Louis-Dreyfus. In fact, we're pretty damn sure it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who is currently getting her biggest career boost since Seinfeld. In fact the above two photos are both clearly fakes...

The picture emerged hours after Sarah was named as Republican John McCain's running-mate, and has been used by hundreds of websites and blogs.
Sarah’s camp, however, insists that the picture is fake, reports News of the World.
Other forged snaps of Sarah are also said to have also fuelled the frenzy on the net since the relative unknown was pushed into the Presidential spotlight. Sarah, who married her high-school sweetheart Todd and now has four kids, was once a teenage beauty queen in her home state of Alaska. [Sify]

Here's one that we're pretty sure is real. Hot or not?

Related:

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Hot or Not: Jodie Marsh's Boobs?

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 14:02:00 GMT

This is nothing against Sarah Palin-- after all, all GOP candidates are a little bit frightening, a little bit awesome in their determination and genuine will to make the world a better place-- but is she doomed?

No one here in Minneapolis is even talking about the convention. Every conversation at every restaurant in town is centered around one question: what's going to happen to Governor Palin, what with all these rumors and controversies that are swirling around her...

First, there was this e-mail, which we received from reader profrobert on Friday, alerting us to the possibility that Palin's fifth daughter, born less than five months ago, is not hers.

But what would be even more incredible is if it's NOT true: http://www.ktuu.com/global/story.asp?s=8194634

This means her water broke in Texas. She hung around to give a 30-minute speech. She then went to the airport and GOT ON A PLANE. TO ALASKA. I don't know where she was in Texas, but DFW-ANC non-stop is a seven-hour flight.

He makes a great point: who is this person who has her water break and then waits around not only to give a speech but for a plane to take her across most of the entire fucking continent. Her husband claims that a) they just wanted the baby to be 100% Alaskan and b) that his daughter's five month or so absence from school was the result of a bad case of mono. Suuuuuuure it was...

So, of course, the liberal blogosphere goes batshit over the story but no mainstream media outlet wants anything to do with it. Gustav sweeps Palin off the front pages, then the RNC delay further buries the rumors. Meanwhile, Palin is at a rally where she doesn't address the rumors but causes another stir by saying:

“Then we have our daughter Bristol, she’s on the bus with the newborn, and then we have our daughter Willow, who is here, and our youngest daughter Piper,” Ms. Palin said as she introduced her family. “On that bus we have our son, Trig, who is a beautiful baby boy we welcomed into the world just in April..."

Of course, Palin's phrasing would've been completely normal under any other circumstances. But conspiracy theorists flipped again, saying Palin wasn't even saying the words "her" and "baby" one after the other, implying that perhaps Palin is setting herself up to eventually confess to lying. Meanwhile, photos showing that Palin had no baby bump during her pregnancy were all deleted from the Governor's official websites. (We are trying our best to stay out of this, but must add that we defy anyone to locate photos of Palin in the nine months leading up to April 2008 in which she appears pregnant. As soon as an un-Photoshopped photo comes our way, we'll believe her version of the events.)

Then, the bigger story: Palin announces the same daughter is currently five month's pregnant, thus ruling out the possibility of Bristol having already given birth just a few months ago. And while we believe this, again, it doesn't rule out the possibility that Palin is lying: after all, no one is going to ask her to prove conception date. For all we know, she's really only a few months pregnant and that, by the time the baby's born, it will be too late for anyone to stop Palin from becoming Vice President because of the lie. (Side note: Bristol's boyfriend is a self-proclaimed "redneck" who says on his MySpace profile that he doesn't want kids. Wonderful.)

Meanwhile, the Troopergate story (as winking bloggers are referring to it), the mere mention of which earned us a drubbing from her supporters in a previous post, has knocked the pregnancy story off the front pages, albeit for a fairly innocus reason: Palin just now hired a lawyer to defend her in the two-month old investigation. Hmmm....

In any case, the liberal HuffPo has realized Palin is a weak spot on the ticket (we've heard that from numerous fence sitters among the Minneapolis public.) Here's what their front page looked like in the wee hours of this morning:

... TOP GOP GOVERNOR: I'VE HEARD NO DISCUSSION ABOUT REMOVING MS. PALIN FROM THE TICKET ...

'Fringe' Alaskan Secessionist Party: Palin Was A Member... Almost Recalled As Mayor... Directed Fundraising For Indicted Senator's 527... Troopergate Scandal... Calls Iraq A War For Oil... Admits She Hasn't 'Really Focused On Iraq'... Alaska National Guard General: Palin Plays No Role In National Defense... 17 Year-Old Daughter Pregnant...

Also, did you guys hear the Fox News commentator and others pick up the talking point that Palin has "national security experience" because Alaska is "so close to" Russia? What? That's like saying Scanner Nicole and I have foreign policy experience because we're located near Denmark.

All this adds up to one thing: Palin, as a VP candidate, is in trouble. The rumors we're hearing from reliable GOP sources center on two possibilities: 1) Palin may drop out, citing family commitments, and time this withdrawal so that McCain's second choice will be accepted without question by GOP leadership, for fear of losing the election if they don't immediately unite or 2) Palin will continue to cause McCain problems to the point where he will drop Palin himself, but in favor of a female candidate or even Joe Lieberman.

While both seem highly unlikely events, either of them is much less far-fetched now than they were even 24 hours ago...

We'll have more on this story during the next two days of convention coverage...

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Scanner Roundtable: What Did We Think About The DNC & Obama's Speech?

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

BREAKING: John McCain Picks Embattled Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin For VP

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:10:00 GMT

When ~~Tina Fey wannabe~~ Sarah Palin flew overnight to Ohio without telling her closest aides, the AP and others new the jig was up...

Palin has been in trouble in Alaska in recent weeks for the usual Republican cronyism: firing the guy who refused to fire Palin's sister's ex-husband from a state job. Besides that, there are several factors about this choice that must be taken into account:

1) Palin is three years younger than Obama, which makes McCain look foolish for ever saying anything about Obama's inexperience.

2) Palin has only been Governor of Alaska for two years and has zero foreign policy or any other real experience. See above.

3) This is an obvious slap at Obama's choice of Joe Biden, since Hillary supporters are already moving toward McCain in absurd numbers.

A CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll released Sunday shows 27 percent of Clinton supporters backing McCain. With 18 million voters having turned out in the primaries for Clinton, McCain could pick up as many as 5 million additional votes, enough to potentially swing a few crucial states.

Ultimately, especially since Biden's selection did nothing for Obama's numbers (early polls indicate he lost national support between the announcement of Biden as the VP and the start of the convention) and was a very telling mistake on multiple levels, the selection of Palin makes this McCain's race to lose and re-positions Obama as a major underdog.

We'll have more as the story is confirmed and Palin is announced at a press conference at noon...

UPDATE: Almost every media outlet is confirming the story and saying that they are 100% sure it will be Palin. Also, for more on Palin, check out this hilarious piece in the Huffington Post from back in May about the possibility of Palin as the next Dick Cheney...

UPDATE: Check out this in-depth analysis of the Palin pick. The writer is against the choice but is balanced about his political views. Also, here's more on the Palin ethics scandal, if you don't believe us. Could it become a liability for McCain? Highly unlikely, at least until after November.

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Longoria's Lingerie Past

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Are you better off now than you were in 1999? We seriously doubt it, although this chart may make you think you're making the same money you were then: nice try, thanks for (not) factoring in cost of living increases, dumbasses.

Charlize Theron at the DNC: No, I won't get married.

Speaking of marriage: Are we upset or could we care less that this movie star got hitched?

Asia Argento has wed in Tuscany, Italy.
The actress married director Michele Civetta on Wednesday in a civil ceremony at the city hall in Arezzo. The 32-year-old daughter of Italian moviemaker Dario Argento was previously engaged to actors Michael Pitt and Vincent Gallo but she never married.

One million new bankruptcies have been filed this week. Just kidding, it was over the last 12 months. Phew!

What does a country gotta indict somebody for in order to get rid of him? Senator Ted Stevens won his primary yesterday.

Today in the Apocalypse: Rat meat is in high demand in Cambodia, thanks to the economy.

Awww, man... the nun beauty pageant has been canceled for the usual, predictable reasons.

You probably heard about Eva Longoria's early forays into lingerie. If that's your kind of thing, you'll definitely want to check out The Superficial's posting of seven-year-old photos, most of which have been virtually unseen, at least on the internet. Here (and above), a taste:

Related:

There She Is... The World's Most Beautiful Nun

Starpulse's Celebs Who Should Go Nude: Who's Missing?

Making Stripteases A Cinch: Dita Von Teese Shills For Wonderbra

While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Scanner Highs And Lows: Battle of the Sexies

Eva Mendes: Too Hot For TV, Way Too Hot For Work

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

A reader sent us this delightfully ageist, partisan hatchet job on the candidate attempting to become the oldest President ever (no, not Hillary Clinton, c. 2013), Senator John McCain.

John McCain is older than the word "old." When John McCain was a child, his granpappy was referred to as "ye olde man." Note the difference in spelling. John McCain is older than nylons, which means he is older than boners. Do we sound too much like "The Late Show With David Letterman?" We apologize-- although you should still check out our hilarious little list, stolen straight from the website "Things Younger Than John McCain."

10. Velcro

9. Plutonium

8. Both of Barack Obama's biological parents

7. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, for God's sake. Support somebody else!

6. Cheerios. Cheerios... Jesus Almighty, we thought the caveman had been the one to figure out what to do with little oats.

5. Scientology. Take that, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and that embarrassing woman from "Cheers"-- Scientology is a figment of our cultural imagination and not to be taken any more seriously than, uh, Christianity, for example.

4. Spam. Not only the internet annoyance... the food made famous by Monty Python!

3. The Golden Gate Bridge

2. Alaska

1. The Chocolate Chip Cookie

Runners up: AARP, Mount Rushmore, McDonald's, nylon, and FM radio, as well as many other shockers at "Things Younger Than McCain."

Thanks to Rachel R. for the link!