Scanner : alcohol

Omaha Bar Hosts Jello Wrestling Contest For Charity...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 21:22:00 GMT

...guess how that turned out?

Think about it: you're all bar owners in Omaha, Nebraska. (Really, what else is there to do except hang out at the Saddle Creek offices and try to pick up hipsters? You gotta have a bar.) You want to get more people to stop in at your bar, so you organize an event under the auspicies of donating the cover charge to charity, all while racking up huge profits on drink sales. But to really get people to show up, you get a bunch of local drunks to wear bikinis and tear it up in a vat of Jello.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, for one thing, it's entirely illegal to have boobs and ass anywhere near beer and booze in the state of Nebraska. And you know damn well what bikini Jello wrestling leads to, particularly when the contestants are all likkered up before the opening gong:

Owners of a west Omaha bar have been fined over a fundraiser that got out of control. The 120 Blondes Lounge at 120th and Blondo streets was disciplined by the state Liquor Control Commission over a gelatin wrestling incident that ended with full nudity.

The event featured women who wrestled in a pool of flavored gelatin. The contestants in the competition were wearing bikinis, at least at first.

Photos taken at the event show one woman falling out of the pool and another one who's clearly topless. "As the crowd got more interested, apparently the clothing was removed and they were mostly in the nude," said Hobert Rupe of the Nebraska Liquor Control Commission.

Hobert has a career waiting for him in public relations after he gets bored of denying strip clubs their God-given Night Train beer-- ha ha, "apparently clothing was removed." Hobert, dude, that's what we here in the US of A call "they ripped their clothes off, thinking Joe Francis was taping." But no matter who removed the clothing, the bar is still liable-- even though, in this case, witnesses attested to the fact that the owners ejected the "strippers" immediately.

At least 120 Blondes didn't lose their license.

Via KETV.

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Bikini Jello Wrestling Contest Ends In Violence, Chaos, Stickiness

Sloppy Seconds: Trent Reznor's Love

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Dom DeLuise, actor, chef, all-around awesome dude, is dead at the age of 75. [The Feed]

The NIH is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on "the prevention of HIV" by studying patrons and proprietors in gay bars in Argentina. FYI: Next time the NIH wants to do a study on drinking and sexual promiscuity, we're available. Hit us up at Scanner@nerve.com. Buy us a drink and we'll give you whatever information you want. [CNSNnews]

A Kansas City newscaster interviewed Guy Fieri, that annoying guy from the Food Network, during a Royals game last night. Except it wasn't Guy Fieri. Oops. [Kansas City Star]

Scanner Crush (we know Scanner Brian is with us on this one) Jeff Tweedy, frontman of Wilco, is being sued by an ex-bandmate. Jay Bennett, who played with Wilco from 1994 to 2001 wants $50,000 for five albums he recorded with the band. [BBC]

Trent Reznor has decided to tie the knot with girlfriend Mariqueen Maandig. [The Inquisitr]

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Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:49:00 GMT

We know it's hard to quit Facebook, the awful and unreadable website that networks socials.

But it may be advisable not to post status messages of any kind when you're on sick leave... my Mom works for an insurance-fraud investigation company and the first thing they check is your Facebook page-- to see if it says something like "Back home from the hospital, kicking back and playing Nintendo Wii with both of my broken hands!"

This dumbass should've known better...

CLICK ON THE IMAGE FOR A NEW WINDOW AND THE LARGER PHOTO

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We're Over Facebook, And Here's Why

Drunkenness No Longer an Excuse for Being a Creepy Old Man

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 20:33:00 GMT

According to a new study, alcohol does not impair a man's ability to tell whether a girl is legal or not. The study, published by the University of Leicester in the British Journal of Psychology, found that alcohol had very little impact on men's perception of the ages of women in pictures.

A total of 240 members of the public in bars and cafés were asked to look at composite photographs of ten young women aged 17 and asked to rate their attractiveness.

Some of the photos were digitally altered to give the faces a younger or older appearance and make-up was applied in some cases. Half of the participants questioned had consumed at least some alcohol before the task and their blood-alcohol level was measured by a breathalyser test.

The study found that participants consistently overestimated the age of the girls in the images by an average of 3.5 years. But although men and women rated younger-looking faces as more attractive on average, “contrary to expectations, alcohol and make-up did not inflate attractiveness ratings”, the researchers write.

The lead researcher, Vincent Egan, said: “This study suggests that alcohol consumption and make-up use do not interfere with how old we perceive someone to be.

“Another interesting finding was that, overall, participants who drank alcohol actually rated all the women in the photos as less attractive, compared with the participants who had not drunk alcohol.

“This seemingly flies in the face of the commonly held notion of ‘beer goggles’.”

So stop blaming your perverted (or preverted, as Scanner Colleen would say) ways on the beer, old men, and just admit you like little girls, okay?

[Telegraph: Men may not be able to blame alcohol for underage sex]

Related:

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Art Students the Biggest Sluts, Study Says

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PapSmeared: Nick Nolte is Just a Yellow Collar Guy

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 15:04:00 GMT

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Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:37:00 GMT

Is this beer offensive, stupid, or stupid and offensive? Or so harmless and "charming" it's worth drinkin'?

Not safe for work photo below... if you can spot it.

This so-called "low carb" Australian beer has just been released to a salivating media market. The three dudes involved in its creation claim their "healthy" brew will take the country's drinking scene by storm...

...thanks to their nudity gimmick, of course. As the drinker consumes their beer, the "Skinny Blonde's" bikini gradually disappears, revealing her boobers. Interestingly, their website almost never mentions the concept:

100% Preservative Free
Skinny Blonde contains no preservatives, chemical additives or animal products whatsoever so its OK for vegans.
100% Australian
Unlike most beers brewed in Australia Skinny Blonde is 100% Australian owned and operated.
100% Beer
Skinny Blonde is 5.2% alc/vol, low-carb and as tasty as its name sake.

But the Times does.

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Happy Hour Test Drive: Canadian Club Whisky 30 Year Reserve

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 19:33:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Whiskey was actually the first alcoholic beverage I ever had. When I was a teenager, my dad left his Johnny Walker exposed in the kitchen and I poured some into my orange juice. It was gross and I didn't drink whiskey again until college. Now, at the ripe meh-age of 23, my palette has developed and I've become a little bit of a whiskey snob. I've traded in the JD and SoCo for Maker'sMark and Knob Creek. When I go out to restuarants, I'll order a single malt scotch, provided that I have money and it is under $14 (it's tough to be a connoisseur on a budget).

Needless to say, I was pretty psyched about test driving a bottle of Canadian Club's 30 Year Reserve Whisky (that's right, the cannucks leave off the 'e'). . .

Read More...

Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:52:00 GMT

Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA 2007, who was stripped of her crown following this and other "scandalous photos"

Let me tell you something about Hartford, Connecticut, the city, I, Scanner Brian was born in.

Actually, better yet, let's not tell you anything about Hartford, Connecticut, because it would just be a waste of space after you read this story. Anything I tell you about Hartford will be brutally shoved aside after you read about one 17-year-old Miss Connecticut Outstanding Teen, a volunteer with Mothers Against Drunk Dumbasses, decided to do with her Saturday night when her parents went out of town.

If you think it's entertain little orphan boys with stories from award-winning children's authors, well...

Rachael Ramonas competed in the Miss America's Outstanding Teen competition in Florida this past summer, returning home without the ultimate title. Perhaps she was disappointed by her defeat and decided that, instead of continuing to volunteer with MADD, she would stop being an Outstanding Teen the minute her parents left her goody-two-shoes self at home for the weekend.

On Saturday night, cops arrested two dozen underage drinkers at the home of Miss Ramonas. Reports indicate that most of the kids were beyond wasted-- although, since Ramonas is a juvenile, cops can't say whether she was one of them, or even if she was arrested at all. According to this source:

Officers responding to an anonymous call about underage drinking Saturday night found beer, rum and items commonly used for a drinking game called beer pong. [AP News]

Luckily, no one was arrested for DWI's, so there's at least that bit of sanity... although we doubt she could've kept an eye on all 24-plus peeps who had vehicles to make sure they didn't further embarrass her or reveal some sort of "hypocrisy."

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This Drummer Will Be Your Cabana Boy...If the Price is Right

Drunk Teenagers Have No Respect For the Dead, Other Drunk People

Do You Drink Like A Man?

Ina Maier — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:50:00 GMT

Listen up, readers! Scanner public service announcement here, courtesy of DASL and whatever those letters stand for.

Apparently, if you like to drink, drink a lot, or drink in a manner that DASL would deem masculine, well, then be prepared to bear a striking resemblance to an aged, besotted she-male. But wait, there’s more! The fine print after the jump…

Wine doesn’t just come with cheese. For women it’s also accompanied by hair loss, wrinkles, and obesity, plus the other problems like breast cancer, early menopause and memory loss.

That’s right. According to the above ad, drinking doesn’t only kill your liver, it kills your looks. And if font size is representative of severity, the loss of your looks is far scarier than “breast cancer, early menopause, and memory loss.”

We’re not sure what we're more offended by: the implication that men are better drinkers or that the threat of cancer can’t hold a candle to our complexions.

[Contexts Magazine, via]

Related:

New York Mag News Flash: Women Drink Like Men, Except Not

Kanye West Wants You To Be Like Him, This Apparently Involves Lots of Alcohol

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Sloppy Seconds: Job-Sanctioned Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:59:00 GMT

This Mom threw such a hardcore kegger for her son and his friends that the cops found the air at her residence was running a .03 alcohol level.

The members of the Atlanta band The Black Lips are lucky to not be rotting in an Indian prison.

The truth about Joaquin Phoenix should have been obvious to everyone: he was in character for a mockumentary by Casey Affleck.

Buy an LCD TV instead of a plasma one, if you care about the environment.

The post office is considering cutting one day of service if its budgetary demands go unmet. It's time Netflix started its own shipping company and took over the world...

The A-Team really is going to be a movie. Boycott all remakes!

Someone should do a 90-minute documentary on what goes on when these cops strike for an hour-and-a-half.

Let's all get jobs at Canon in Japan so we can receive work-sanctioned early release for sex.

And Meryl Streep told Alec Baldwin she'll do 30 Rock, yay!

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Londoners Knew How to Drink Us Under the Table

PapSmeared: Brad Pitt, He's Just Like Us

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 18:35:00 GMT

(Except we at least have the class to put our booze in a flask.)

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Sloppy Seconds: More Sex and the City?

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 23:53:00 GMT

Ada Calhoun, from our not so slutty sister site Babble, weighs in on Facebook's nipple ban. [TIME]

We're usually all about Kelly Clarkson's girl power lyrics, but not so much with her new single "My Life Would Suck Without You." [FadedYouth]

Speaking of girl power, did you know it's Women's Self-Empowerment Week? And do we really need a Women's Self-Empowerment Week? [Jezebel]

Jennifer Love Hewitt is back on the market, in case you're interested. (We're guessing you're not). [People]

Steve Jobs is not dying. He will continue to over-charge us for upgrades, monitors not covered under warranty and warranties. [Yahoo!]

Rich, happy, healthy Gwyneth Paltrow shares her secrets for shedding those pesky holiday pounds: just cut out meat, dairy, fat, potatoes, tomatoes, sugar, alcohol and caffeine. Easy! [Us]

Crazy lady and and Sex and the City stylist Patricia Field is starting a rumor: that there will be a Sex and the City: The Movie sequel. Are you excited? We are. Shut up. [MTV]

While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Guess who's to blame for the continued conflicted in Gaza? The United States, that's who-- they blocked a UN resolution calling for an end to the fighting. (Not that it would've done a damn thing to stop the assault.)

Have you been buying Pepsi from the Atlanta plant? (First of all-- why are you buying Pepsi?) It turns out they are using illegal Mexican Pepsi.

Marijuana has been decriminalized in ~~Drugachusetts~~ Massachusetts (for the most part) and cops are refusing to hand out tickets because the law is "poorly" written. Now, we've got it-- just start passing laws that sound like they're restricting drugs, but make them so ridiculous, no one can prosecute. This is how we'll sneak past those right-wing nuts who think the War on Drugs is working.

What kind of moron calls 911 to complain that she's driving drunk? A moron who, unlike most, at least knows that she needs help.

Click here to see men with wings fly around mountains. No stinkin' jetpacks for these dudes.

Tara Reid has already checked out of rehab after only three weeks. Think she's cured?

We're not really sure what's up with this case involving a 16-year-old girl accusing a guy of taking nude photos of her in the shower, and the guy's girlfriend, who claims she took the pictures and framed him for the crime.

Gosh darn it, Al Franken is officially the winner of the Minnesota Senate race. Until, of course, the Republicans sue the pants off the guy.

This invention will conserve water by recycling handwash as toilet water. It's better than you think.

And, as you probably know already, John Travolta's sixteen-year-old son died of a head injury incurred while suffering a seizure. Gawker, in a careful, roundabout way, considers Scientology at least partly to blame, saying Travola and wife Kelly Preston "privileged their adherence to Scientology over their devotion to their son."

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

While You Were Sleeping: Kirsten Dunst Off the Deep End

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:49:00 GMT

A very lame-looking Jim Carrey movie based on a superior autobiography opened with a mere $18 million.

Teachers can't keep banging teenagers.

A registered sex offender volunteering at the post office is the reason the Letters to Santa operation was suspended last week. It will be up and running, in a modified version, with enough time for this week's mailings.

The brand of shoe thrown at Bush has since big numbers since the incident.

CNN killed the crawl.

Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and back out on the streets.

Why is Saudi Arabia forcing an eight-year-old girl to remain married to a fifty-eight-year-old man?

And Kirsten Dunst is, according to the Superficial, trying "to fill the void left by Tara Reid," who recently checked into rehab.

[S]omeone has to become Hollywood's once-aspiring actress who can't keep her face out of the drink. Enter Kirsten Dunst. Here she is drunkenly leaving Bardot last night with her male companion The Cosby Sweater Bandit.

While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

Eliza Dushku Set For Fame Thanks To This Sex Scene

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Sloppy Seconds: Billie Jean Was Indeed My Lover?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:23:00 GMT

Frank Stallone-- guess who he's related to-- got a reality show based on his relation to a famous person.

Woman wins a million bucks, throws it away. End of story, right? A thoughtful clerk decides not to be greedy and gave her the ticket after discovering the oversight.

Caylee Anthony's body was found four months ago, but the police ignored the guy who kept calling to report its discovery. Too bad there isn't a caring parent around to shame these people into early retirement.

FYI: Al Franken now leads by dozen of votes, perhaps up to 250, in the endless Minnesota recount, with thousands of absentee ballots still to come.

The porn industry has been hit (hard) by the recession. [NSFW link!]

Billie Jean is Michael Jackson's lover? We think this woman is completely bonkers, though amusing as hell.

Someone please explain this Facebook creep to us.

A man fined $50 by the IRS and threatened to prosecute him for a felony after he sent them the $1.50 in sales tax he owed on a store purchase.

Teachers aren't even allowed to drink on their own time anymore.

And Kim Kardashian-- another "star" who needs to go away, has a 2009 calendar.

Related:

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How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

New York Mag News Flash: Women Drink Like Men, Except Not

Ina Maier — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 18:06:00 GMT

In case you haven't noticed. It's effing cold outside. Unreasonably so. And as I walked to work today, all I could think about was how nice it would be to walk back home tonight, curl up in a blanket with my bottle of bourbon (currently: Maker's) and watch Gossip Girl. Which is why when I saw NY Mag's headline of the day: "Should Gender Equality Extend To Drinking?", I thought, "What a perfect story for this time of year."

Which is also why, when I saw that it opened with the sad tale of a bright, young, female investment banker who drinks her way to the top, to rehab, and then right back off the wagon, I felt I'd been duped.

I was hoping for stories of champion drinkers, like my friend Kathryn, who will, hands down, win any chugging competition in any bar. I've won many a free round by throwing her pounding prowess around like it was my own. I was hoping for stories of female camraderie - like how I bonded with my co-worker and new best imbibing buddy over our love for bourbon and drinking alone. And, most importantly, I was hoping for some awesome scientific facts about how there's no reason women can't keep up with the boys at the bar; all it takes is a little practice; etc.

But it turns out that the glass ceiling can also be found at the bottom of the glass, because while "heavy drinkers of both genders raise their risk of death by stroke, ...women raise theirs almost twice as much (92 percent versus 48 percent)."

And in addition to that, they even had the audacity to call us fat. Because, as everyone knows, "Women have...more body fat than men" and "the fat retains [the alcohol]." Again with the fat, people! We may have bubbies! But we can still drink! Or at least I can!

So, what say you, ladies? Can you prove the stats wrong? Do you want to help me try? Because I plan on drinking liberally this winter. And I sure as hell don't plan on feeling bad about it.

Top 5 Drunk Scenes of American Cinema

Drink Up Little Pup: Animals With Drinking Problems

The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Back in the pre-Roman era known as the 1990s, dumb kids all over the world inserted vodka-soaked tampons in their vaginas for a serious "contact high" and to avoid being caught with booze on the breath.

The following should disprove any notions you might have about the recent resurgence of the practice among alcohol-crazed teens...

1) Just because you put booze in your vagina, doesn't mean mom can't smell it on your breath. That odor has to go somewhere... and it's not going out your ass. Science tells us that the lungs help expunge the putrid stench of the devil's brew-- assuming, of course, that you haven't resorted to drinking to dull the pain of your marijuana-clogged lungs.

2) Having alcohol inside your vagina is worse for your poon than Ron Jeremy. It can cause the wrong kind of bleeding into the tampon.

3) Indeed, you won't have a woozy stomach, but hopefully that doesn't make you say, "Forget the rest of these red flags, I'll do it!"

4) No one is quite sure if this practice, which is still popular in crazy, backwards countries like Columbia, Brazil, and-- Sarah Palin's favorite-- "Africa," is actually real. Videogum disputes it, saying:

Possibly one person ever did [that], but now like 50,000 stay-at-home moms are going to have "The Vodka-Soaked Tampon Talk" with their kids tonight.

5) As a sociological experiment, you should do that tonight. Seriously, have a talk with your 12-year-old (hell, your four-year-old) about vodka-soaked tampons and report back to us on the conversation....

Related:

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Guitar Hero. Then Guitar Hero: World Tour. And Now: Vagina Hero!

Before Aunt Flow Knew Where to Go: A History of Menstrual Products

Caption This: George Clooney Thinks Maybe Just One More...

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:20:00 GMT

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We Present... The Cougar Perv

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:55:00 GMT

Poor Stifler.

A forty-year-old Syracuse, Utah mother of a very embarrassed high school boy had sex with at least two of his classmates and sent nude photos of herself to a host of others. Kimberly/Kimberlee Arigot, seen here in her mugshot, has allegedly been sleeping with the two teenage males, aged 15 and 17, for more than a year, while texting at least one other boy with whom she did not have sexual relations.

The Salt Lake City-area Mom, who is apparently single, has posted bail and is back at home, where several of the encounters are believed to have taken place. Early news reports indicate she has been charged with sexual relations with a minor and procuring alcohol for minors.

She has reportedly confessed to all charges.

Today in Sweden: Teen Sex For Booze On The Rise

Kim Cattrall: The Magically Naked 52-Year-Old Woman

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students

Sloppy Seconds: Blake-Fielder Civil Escapes (More) Prison (Time)

Caption This: Amy Winehouse Goes to Rehab

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:50:00 GMT

Amy Winehouse on her way to rehab via Faded Youth.

We're Still Getting It Together This Morning...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Our heads feel like they've been run over by this chimp's runaway Segway. Last night, we indluged in the Hendrick's Gin party you may have read about on nerve.com.

We can only manage this video post at this time-- be thankful it's not just an LOL Cats post.

We'll be up and running again momentarily... until then, enjoy the video, after the jump...

Caption This: Don't Stop Believin'

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Rob Iler, better and perhaps forever known as A.J. Soprano, at the grand opening of Cabana One, at the Mayfair Hotel in Miami.

Courtesy 5WPR.

Bill Murray Becomes His Character From Rushmore

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:10:00 GMT

When we were in high school, we were one of the last actors to get a call to read for the lead role in Rushmore. But before we could finalize the appointment, Jason Schwartzman was cast and went on to, um, semi-fame.

Anyway, our biggest disappointment about the experience was not getting to mess with Bill Murray all day, especially in the sequence where Max (the Schwartzman character) tries out a bunch of (comic) methods to kill Murray's Herman Blume, who is too busy smoking and drinking himself toward divorce to notice.

Now, Murray has broken his silence about his real-life divorce and internal suffering, saying that kind of life isn't as fun as Blume made it out to be in the film...

Here are the highlights... including word of a Ghostbusters III, woo hoo:

Murray said he identified anew with those characters -- like the dour Herman Blume in "Rushmore" -- when his wife of nearly 11 years filed for divorce in May. In the papers filed by Jennifer Butler Murray, she alleged that Murray abused her and was addicted to alcohol and marijuana.
"That was devastating," Murray said. "That was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my entire life."
Murray said his lowest point came a few weeks ago. When friends asked if he wanted to participate in an air show to support the Illinois United Service Organizations (Murray grew up outside Chicago), he accepted the skydiving invitation.

"They asked me on a day I didn't care," said Murray. "I didn't even care if there was a parachute..."

The writers of "The Office" have been hired to pen a "Ghostbusters III," which Murray thinks could offer a fresh take on the films, the second of which he (and many others) found disappointing.

We're not sure the fact that he doesn't refute any of his ex-wife's charges may not return him to Scanner Emily's good graces, but we feel for the guy: he sounds genuinely sorry for having screwed up...

Read the rest at CNN.com.

Related:

Top 10 Celebrities Who Are Probably Cool In Real Life

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Really Splitting Up?

Bill Murray: Back on The Market But Do We Want Him?

Amy Winehouse: A F*cking Disastah

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:54:00 GMT

We all know that Amy Winehouse is a walking train wreck (perhaps walking on scabby toothpicks), but her latest stunt takes the cake... or whatever it was she happened to eat before returning the gowns she borrowed from a UK department store.

Winehouse has been slapped with a $50,000 bill after borrowing silk and satin gowns from Harvey Nichols... and returning them covered in vomit. And green mold.

We're sure stars have thrown up on borrowed gowns before, but they probably had the wherewithal to get them dry cleaned. Amy, on the other hand, just threw a vomit covered dress in with the rest and sent them back.

[Mirror: Amy Winehouse hit with huge bill after vomiting on designer clothes]

Related:

Spoon Or Spork: Amy Winehouse

The Amy Winehouse Condition

Amy Winehouse Gets Naked. For a Good Cause. For Real.

Scanner Peer Mentoring Program: Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse Doesn't Have Anything to Prove to Anyone

The Amy Winehouse Comeback Begins...

While You Were Sleeping: Pete Wentz Exposes... His Past

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:45:00 GMT

Celebrity Headline of the AM: "What can't Ashton do?" Nope, we didn't read the story.

Non-Celebrity Headline of the Day: New Zealand Airline seeks bald men to use as walking billboards

The Daily Mail has discovered the best way to make someone fall in love with you: take them on a rollercoaster rid e.

Usher is going to have another baby! Well, Tameka Foster is, but who wants to read about her, right? Usher's having a baby...!

Pete Wentz (AND HIS LARGE PENIS) are fessing up about all the drugs (penis!) and alcohol.

Natasha Bedingfield is engaged. Believe it or not, this was a top story on every news site this morning.

And is it a sign that mainstream will start to go independent instead of the other way around? Sonic Youth confirms they are signing with Matador Records.

Related:

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Are You One Of The Sexy People?

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Longoria's Lingerie Past

College President Who Stopped Student From Drinking From Broken Keg Resigns

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

You know we're kidding when we used the words "stopped" and "broken" in that headline, right?

College President (not the student-elected kind) Robert Paxton was at a July 4th lake party when he was caught in the above photo helping a lovely young lass with her beverage:

"If you want to know the truth, the thing was broken," he said. "I never opened the tap on any keg."

Asked what he was doing with the keg suspended over the woman's open mouth, Paxton said: "Nothing. The thing didn't work. I was laughing at them. You know, if I was doing anything, I was grabbing it and trying to put it back down."

Uhhh... right. So that explains the fact that you are working the tap itself... how?

Wisely, Paxton decided not to fight the charges raised by his own Iowa Central Community College board and simply walked off the job, collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars on his way out. Amazingly, though, the story of how Paxton got a bunch of his underage son's friends drunk doesn't end there:

Paxton also denied that his 19-year-old son was drinking that day, yet police records show the young Paxton was picked up for a DUI charge later that evening. [DeadSpin]

Wow. This guy is the worst liar ever. Good riddance... after all, underage kids don't need you to help with their beer, creepy old dude.

Missouri Republican Resigns To Spend More Time With Family, Soon Gets Arrested For Sexually Assaulting 14-Year-Old

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

When The Folks Are Away, New Hampshire Teens Party Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 14:02:00 GMT

We're not condoning hosting parties at your parents' house in New Hampshire at the age of fifteen and getting your friends to get drunk and run around in the streets naked... although if you do repeat this incident, please take pictures, censor them so we don't go to jail, and send us evidence that your high school experience is way better than everyone else's...

Otherwise, we don't believe a word of it...

According to the public police log, the neighbor called the homeowner in New York and at 11:44 p.m., told police the teens were drinking and running in the street unclothed.
When officers got to the residence, one teen fled and a police dog from Rochester was called in to track his direction of travel, said Maloney. The scent led to a parent's home in Rye, where the parent refused to allow police inside to search for her son, police say.

This must've been one smart police dog (was it the one from that Jim Belushi movie?), because it wasn't long before the fugitive nudist was apprehended at a different residence. (Side note: how funny would that be? It's midnight in New Hampshire and you're probably asleep-- the doorbell rings and it's a naked fifteen-year-old, asking if he can come in, covering his privates with one hand and waving from the porch with the other. So... you let him in, clothe him, and don't tell the police he's there? And and and... does this count as harboring a fugitive? Because that would be hilarious if the police charged whoever housed the kid with that...)

Before we get completely sidetracked, also note how the party continued... at the hospital, for God's sake:

At 1:56 a.m., an officer was called to Portsmouth Regional Hospital "to help restrain an out of control juvenile" who was brought there from the same underage party, according to the public police log. [Seacoast Online]

That one time we had a party in high school, there wasn't even enough rum for the girls to get the perpetually-naked-jock-dude to take off his shirt... my, how times have changed...

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