Scanner : anal

Man Has Sex With A Soda Bottle... With Unpredictable Results

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Big thanks to Scanner Colleen, who found this godforsaken story in the Strait Times, of all sources. Its other top story last night is entitled "What do teens do online?" (First line: "IF TEENAGE girls are online, chances are they are chatting with someone.")

Yesterday, we brought you another entry in our exclusive, frightening series "Things Not to Fuck," with entry #245: A Pine Cone. We decided this story was just too bizarre to be relegated to a filing system and so... without further ado... at your own risk, of course...

Here's the entire story, direct from the magical land of Singapore:

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his genital became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.
The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to engage in a sexual activity.
China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his genital could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways.
Doctors tried to alleviate the man's suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail. An inflammation later set in causing him to be unable to urinate.
His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death.

Wait, China Press reported on this? Even American media didn't cover it. (Cue Republicans to complain, somehow, about how Obama is turning us into a "socialist" state.)

By the way, we're not sure if the paramedics tried draining all the blood from his erect penis, much as they were able to successfully in our story Thing #387 Not to Fuck: A Hong Kong Bench. In any case, this might be the most horrible death we've heard of since... well, that guy who had an office chair explode and kill him through his ass. But at least that was a relatively quick end...

Related:

Exploding Office Chair Kills Man, Um, Anally

Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Exploding Office Chair Kills Man, Um, Anally

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:25:00 GMT

You do the math. Oh, right, this doesn't really make sense does it? Let us try to offer you a bit of an explanation.

According to Gizmodo:

A 14-year-old boy in China was killed when his chair exploded, sending chunks of metal into his rectum. The bleeding this caused killed him. The alleged explosion came from the gas cylinder that was in the base of the chair, the part that allowed the user to adjust the seat up and down.

Is this even POSSIBLE?

[Gizmodo: Boy Killed Anally When Office Chair Explodes]

Related:

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Because We're Twisted: The World's 10 Most Ironic Deaths

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Man Commits Suicide by Stabbing Himself in the What?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

This may be the craziest way to die we've ever heard.

Experts say it's very shocking when someone, as in the case of singer Elliot Smith, commits suicide by knife because of how painful and prolonged the plunge can be. (We promise the story we're about to tell is much more subdued than that graphic sentence.) That kind of self-inflicted stabbing has nothing on what one Chinese man did to himself...

A very confusing report out of China indicates a man was admitted to the hospital due to some sort of poisoning fear. There may also have been some external bleeding. X-rays soon revealed that the man had a knife inside his body and that the knife had entered through his... yeah, we won't finish that sentence lest you vomit. According to the man's nephew, the victim shoved the knife up his anus in an attempt to kill himself, likely over an outstanding debt from a recent surgery and a generally rough life.

The report seems to say he survived and made a full recovery, then goes on to talk about how he's deceased. We can only speculate that the one odd paragraph (about his survival) is incorrect or was supposed to be updated, while the rest of the story is accurate. Or maybe some bored Chinese newspaper made all this up and we're falling for it.

Either way, we've finally found the story that trumps the anal absurdity of the woman about the vicar admitted to an English hospital with a potato up his butt.

Related:

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

Scanner Highs and Lows: We're This Close to Losing it to Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 21:29:00 GMT

In a month we'll either get to stop hearing about Sarah Palin forever or we'll be stuck hearing about her for four years. It kind-of feels like that time when you decide you're ready to lose your virginity and just need to find someone to lose it to. You know it's either going to be really great or really terrible, but you just need it to happen already... Right? Anyone?

Highs:

We may have found a man to keep us warm this winter.

And if it doesn't work out with that guy, we might still have a chance with Michael Cera.

If we get really desperate, we got hit on by this guy (even though they guy thought we were Sarah Palin).

We finally got our hands on the Sarah Palin swimsuit competition video.

We were on the local news, and this time there were no microwave dinners in sight.

We heard that Anne Hathaway liked anal. Then that she didn't. Then you told us you like Anal Anne better.

Lows:

We were forced to think of Hugh Hefner as a classy man (damn you, Joe "Boobies" Francis!).

We got in trouble for showing peen and had to take it down. Sorry.

We let ourselves be momentarily amused by Rachael Ray.

We had to listen to Sarah Palin talk for a really long time.

And we saw her nude. Sort of.

This guy gave us nightmares.

We lost a sweet, wonderful, beautiful man.

What's It Like Being The Husband Of A Porn Star?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:53:00 GMT

Who killed JFK? If God created the universe, who created God? Under which NFL stadium is Jimmy Hoffa buried? These and other eternal, forever unanswered questions are easily overshadowed by the most important one of all: what's it like being the glaring dude on the sidelines of your wife's porno movie?

"That's beautiful," says a scruffy-faced director. "Now give me a jawbreaker."

Sky adjusts Deen's penis so that its head causes her left cheek to bubble. "Do you ever do anal?" the director asks her.

This Details article is referring to porn star Ryder Sky, who just celebrated her third wedding anniversary with a man named Bill.

If it weren't for the handblown glass dildo artfully displayed on their coffee table (Sky's name is etched on the bottom), this would be a standard picture of American domesticity.
Occasionally, he can't keep from mulling over the fact that he's home alone while she's getting it on with another man. "Sometimes I think about it when she works late and I'm going to bed," he says. "It's not negative, though. It's more like, eh . . . " He trails off with a what-can-you-do groan. "...I want her to be happy. And it's a turn-on, in a way.

The story goes on to tell of Bill's disappointment with their sex life: porn stars don't have sex just before a shoot and, in nights after work, most are in too much pain to get it on with anyone. More significantly, Ryder has been telling casting agents and fellow actors that she is "in a relationship" instead of wearing her wedding ring and telling everyone the truth. Ryder claims it's not because she wants to cheat:

"I don't want to get typecast as a MILF," she says. [Note that Ryder is 24-years-old. - Ed.]

Later on in the article, the author tells the story of Ryan Murphy, engaged to Kelly Skyline...

"I got a text message from her that said 'I've been ripped,'" he recalls. Skyline had been shooting a scene with Billy Glide, a porn star who's nicknamed the Human Wine Bottle, and his oversize penis tore the inside of her vagina.
Brown knew the drill. "Get that text and you know it's no sex for a few days," he says, rolling his eyes. "I constantly made Epsom-salt baths and forced her to get in. It burns the cut but also helps it to heal faster."
"My feeling was, if she does it, cool," Brown says. [He sees her porn career] as beneficial to their open relationship. He and Skyline recently had a threesome with a boyhood friend of his (he ranks as a hero among his pals), and she occasionally brings home costars. "Girlfriends of mine call and say that they want to come by for a swim," Skyline says. "I say, 'Yeah, it's okay. You can fuck him.'"

Sorry, kids, being married to a porn star is just too awkward for us. Call us old fashioned, but this doesn't sound like a barrel of fun.... What do you think? Would you put up with all this for love?

Continue reading these sweeping sagas at Details.

Those Who Can, Do; Those Who Can't, Teach Porn Techniques...

Buck Angel Too Much Man... Or Is It Too Much Woman... For Porn?

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Spencer Pratt Knows a Thing or Seven About Initiating Anal Sex

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 08 May 2008 20:23:00 GMT

Hey, yo, you know who we really want to imagine doing the stinky samba? Spencer Pratt, of course. In honor of Pratt being such a desireable anal sex partner, let's look at what he told Radar Magazine and the world about how to initiate back door loving with the object of your affection.

Spence, when's a good time to ask for anal?

If you're dating a guy, right away. If you're dating girl, I think you'll know pretty quick if she's into that. If they're not bringing it up, it's not something on their agenda. That's just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, "If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it's cool."

Who knew Dirty Phi gave such reasonable sex and relationship advice? Thank God Pratt has found such a level headed mentor.

Can I Wear The Obama Mask Now?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 18:45:00 GMT

Apparently, our Google Alert for Barack Obama doesn't cover the Houston-area "Men Seeking Men" section of Craigslist.

A nine-inch penis from Atlanta in town on business is advertising itself for a casual but memorable encounter. It sounds eerily similar to a scenario made up by a very stankin' con artist with way too much time on his hands: pick me up and take me back to your hotel room, where we will pound each other and swap Obama masks.

Poor Obama. First there's the whole Muslim thing, then there's that whole gay thing, then there's that whole Muslim thing, then there's this gay thing. In case it gets pulled by some overly-sensititive Barry fans, here's the text, followed by the actual link via Fleshbot:

houston craigslist > men seeking men

Hung Black Male (9)_Seeks White Masc Bottom To Pound Wearing Obama Msk - 34

Reply to: pers-583071497@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-22, 1:34PM CST

I am an attractive, in shape hung (9 inches) black male from Atlanta here on business. I am looking for a masculine white male to service me, then get pounded in my hotel room today or tomorrow (saturday). Send your pics, stats and background info. I want to wear my Obama mask while I pound you.

Location: Hilton Americas

Via Fleshbot.