Scanner : angelina jolie

PapSmeared: Angelina Jolie or Crazy Baby Lady?

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:42:00 GMT

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Pregnant Again

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 22:00:00 GMT

Any interest in auditioning for Puppetry of the Penis? We know a few Scanner bloggers who would attend your opening night performance...

In a stunning upset, Rascal Flatts topped Miley Cyrus on this week's Billboard album charts.

Why was a 25-year-old woman having sex with an 83-year-old man in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart? Nevermind, we'd rather not find out.

Believe it or not, there is a code of conduct for the crazy Mexican drug lords doing all that shooting.

Larry David on Woody Allen, and Woody Allen on Larry David makes for interesting reading for film buffs.

We hope Megan Fox wakes up one day soon and realizes this Brian Austin Greene character is about as cool as New Kids on the Block.

That Bruce Springsteen affair story just won't die.

Barack Obama got naked in Boston-- in a way.

And baby makes seven... not counting its parents, of course: Angelina Jolie is apparently ten weeks pregnant, according to unconfirmed reports.

Aging Gracefully Like Sophia Loren

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Seattle About To Enjoy Wave of Segway Strippers

Who Is Vanity Fair's Most Beautiful Woman in the World?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:54:00 GMT

People Magazine has The Sexiest Man Alive. Maxim has its Sexiest Woman of the Year. Vanity Fair, desperate to singlehandedly save Conde Nast, has just announced the winner of its Most Beautiful Woman in the World poll. Of course, the press release makes no mention of a followup contest involving men, since that wouldn't sell at the newsstand.

First of all, is their #1 choice the right one or was ~~Kate Beckinsale~~ ~~Kate Winslet~~ ~~Scanners Emily/Colleen~~ unfairly snubbed?

7. Queen Rania of Jordan. Are we crazy or is the only media outlet in the world that even mentions her starts with a "V" and ends with an "anity Fair?" They must be bestfriendsforver with the Queen, because Graydon Carter's staff mentions her every chance they get.

6. Bar Rafaeli. This girl's agent is seriously working overtime-- he got her a date and (probably) a fake relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio, the cover of Sports Illustrated, and onto this list without anyone even knowing who she is. That's not to say we dislike her-- seriously, we're impressed with her sudden success.

5. Jennifer Connelly. Jennifer Connelly is too skinny to be as beautiful as she was even five years ago. End of story.

4. Penelope Cruz. While our comments above could hold weight here, we decided not to diss Penelope after all. She is thin, yes, but she's not hideous for it-- and she couldn't be more beautiful the way she is now.

3. Scarlett Johansson. Arguably the most desirable woman in the world, Scarlett Johansson has seemed a bit less appealing lately. That has nothing to do with our getting used to her beauty and everything to do with her vicinity to Ryan Reynolds

2. Giselle Bundchen. She was our pick for #1, if only because she's on the cover of Vanity Fair this month. Apparently, that wasn't enough to put her over the top... meaning there's a surprise winner...

1. Angelina Jolie. Agree or disagree?

Via Vanity Fair.

Who Would You Rather: Brad Pitt vs. Every Other Man in the World?

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Trend Alert: Women Leaving Men For Other Women

Who Would You Rather: Brad Pitt vs. Every Other Man in the World?

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:28:00 GMT

Angelina Jolie can't get no satisfaction. Though the actress has a bazillion kids with one of the hottest men in the world, she is apparently ready to make their relationship a little more open. Rumor has it that Jolie told Pitt she wants to take "other lovers." According to reports a "source" says, “Angie has never been a traditional kind of girl, especially when it comes to romance. Even though Brad was attracted to her unconventional behaviour initially, at his core he’s a traditional guy. As open-minded as he tries to be, he certainly wouldn’t be fine with her sleeping with another man and would definitely have resented the suggestion, even if it was a petulant slip of the tongue on her part.”

Of course, we have to ask: if you had to choose between sleeping with Brad Pitt or having your choice of every other man in the world, who would you rather?

Angelina Jolie: Babies Make Bangin' Better

Lesbians Love Angelina Jolie

Celebrity Ink: Angelina Jolie's Tattoos Look Really Great Next to Her Breasts

Is it me, or is Brad Pitt not as hot as he used to be?

Watch Jennifer Aniston Googly-Eye Brad Pitt

[Image, Image]

[Source]

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Lingerie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:38:00 GMT

Every guy has a childhood story about finding the nudie mags under their friend's dad's bed. Ours involves raiding our best friend's father's Playboy collection, dating back to the mid-sixties, and going over centerfolds ranging from famous rock groupie Bebe Buell to Vicki Iovine, wife of the great record producer Jimmy Iovine.

But we always got bored with the nude women posing in the same exact way. We ended up digging to the bottom for the Victoria's Secret catalog with Elle MacPherson on the cover. To us, the tease was better than the full monty.

With that in mind, here are Five of our Favorite Sex Scenes Featuring Lingerie...

5. Gia. This first surfaced on the internet entitled "Banned Lingerie Commercial." Yeah, right-- even lingerie commericals aren't this hot. Should this automatically be #1 on any list of anything, including lists that have nothing to do with sex? Yes. Are we too lazy to move it to the bottom of this post? Indeed.

4. Two Days in the Valley. Skip to 0:22 to the part where James Spader finally shuts up when Charlize and her long, long, long legs enter the bedroom... and then they both don't shut up. Ever.

3. Mutual Needs. Is this a porno? Rochelle Swanson's in it, so it must be... but who's complaining? If you have five minutes to kill today, this is how you should spend it.

2. Layer Cake. Skip to 1:30 to build on the hotness. Thinking that this PG-13 movie would be lacking in uncomfortable sex scenes, we decided a Daniel Craig action movie might be a good choice for a post-Thanksgiving dinner. Whoops. Sienna Miller here explains why she is able to hypnotize men into leaving their wives-- she just pops in a DVD of this scene:

1. El Beso del Sueno. Maribel Verdu from Y Tu Mama Tambien and... some old guy... in what was obviously her audition for the famous blockbuster Alfonse Cuaron film. Did that movie top this one in her terms of hotness? Of course... but don't miss the close up of Verdu's panties... Cuaron didn't think of that.

Bonus: Lori Loughlin from Full House in what may or may not be lingerie (or is a simple dress?) from Suckers.

Mr. Skin's 2009 Naked Oscar Nominees

The Best Job in the World? Carnival Body Painters

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

Michelle Williams Strips, Seduces, Enjoys

Top 5 Monica Bellucci Sex Scenes

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Forty million people tuned in to watch Obama's press conference. Yes, but what does it mean?

We're not sure what to say about the bank robber who rammed his getaway car into another car, fled, took a bus, taxi, and a ride from his sister, and was finally apprehened at home with a paltry four grand when he was forced to call 9-1-1. It turns out that he'd arrived home to find his roommate dead of an apparent suicide.

Oh no! A Three Stooges movie now?! Make it stop... and tell these actors we now officially hate them: Sean Penn, Jim Carrey, and Benicio del Toro.

These defense lawyers for Phil Spector would crack us up if they weren't helping psycho get away with second-degree murder.

Would you eat a 4,800 calorie burger? Would anyone?

Remember the guy who was busted in the act of having sex with a car wash vaccuum cleaner? Yeah, a mere 90 days for scarring those witnesses for life.

Skype is #1 in the world-- take that, AT&T.

A GOP whip chose the whip Britney Spears used onstage.

Chicago's St. Patrick's Day Parade is no more.

It's week 915 of the tabloids pretending Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up. But, for the first time ever, people are starting to believe it might be true.

And singer Elvis Crespo joined the Mile High Club... or so says this woman, who complained about it.

Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

"You'll Still Pay Money To Come See Me"

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Even Crazier Than We Thought

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:51:00 GMT

The sheriff's department in Chicago's Cook County is suing Cralgslist, claiming the site is the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Um, yeah? [SunTimes]

Dare we pick up Jonathan Littell's 1,000-page Nazi-centered novel "The Kindly Ones" which "manages to be a near-masterpiece of historical fiction and at the same time a bloated, overlong masturbatory fantasia of sex and violence?" We just might. [Yahoo!]

Even Facebook is Twittering now. Sort of. [InformationWeek]

Prosecutors have charged Chris Brown with beating his girlfriend, Rihanna. He could get almost five years in jail if convicted of the two felonies. [Defamer]

Apparently Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman couldn't even keep track of her children when she only had six, as evidenced by the audio of this October 9-1-1 call in which she can be heard screaming "Where's my son?" Sounds a lot like Angelina Jolie in Changeling, no? Except Angelina didn't say over and over again that she was going to kill herself. [Radar]

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Gets Green Counter-Offer to Not Do Porn

Crazy Baby Lady to Become Crazy Sex Lady?

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

These Celebrities Fell In Love With The Camera At An Early Age

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:49:00 GMT

Check out these hilariously awesome photos of little future celebs: one would grow up to be a kickass, kickboxing, bizarro-human, movie star freak of nature, and the other one is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Here are a carefully cultivated half dozen childhood photos of the two-dozen-or-so pictures gracing some dude's delightful blog:

We also particularly revel in the glory that is George Clooney (age?) and Halle Berry (age also unknown.) Check them all out here.

Related:

More of Those Gloriously Painful Celebrity High School Yearbook Photos

Celebrities Make Us Feel Better About Our High School Obsession

Top 10 Sexiest Album Covers of All Time

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 01:11:00 GMT

We usually wait until we have a mid-week lull to watch Flight of the Conchords (On Demand, baby!) but we're going to watch it as soon as we're done writing this post just so we can see the "Garfunkeling" in better quality. Also, why is it that Jemaine is the only one ever getting laid? [Jezebel]

A woman who was pulled over for breast-feeding her baby while driving gave a TV interview about it while breast-feeding her baby. She said the baby wasn't willing to wait for the milk at that time (when she was driving, and apparently also when she was giving the interview). Um, okay. [WLFI]

Umm... Skittles are now Twittering. Taste the rainbow? (Is this how Twitter is going to make money?) [TechnologyExpert]

Jennifer Aniston is still talking about her divorce from Brad Pitt. But to be fair, if we were her, we probably would be, too. [Jossip]

Rumor has it Lindsay Lohan's friends are now on Lilo death watch. [FadedYouth]

Recently-out Wanda Sykes has teamed up with a California non-profit to educate the public on equal marriage. [AfterEllen]

[Pre-Recorded] Live Blogging From the Oscars Red Carpet

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Our not-so-slutty sisters over at The Remote Island live-blogged last night's red carpet parade. Best line of the night: "Marisa Tomei's dress is proof positive that you can do folded catering napkin chic and rock it out."

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: 5:53 PM The Slumdog choreographer is teaching Debbie Matenopoulis bollywood dance moves. We're taking odds on how many segments like this we'll see before the night is out. We're putting the over under at 2.5

Debbie seems over the whole thing after about ten seconds even though the segment continues for another six minutes. "Jai Ho" keeps playing as they cut to every other E! correspondent and crew member following along with the double basketball move.

Read more...

Watch Jennifer Aniston Googly-Eye Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:33:00 GMT

Besides Philippe Petit balancing an Oscar on his chin [see this post], the Oscars were almost entirely forgettable. Here's a moment, however, that you may have missed: watch Jennifer Aniston lock eyes with Brad and Angelina, starting somewhere after the 25 second mark.

Note that they are sitting in the front row and to Aniston's left... and that the camera mysteriously cuts off Brad Pitt's face, so we can't see what he's thinking... or maybe that's just bad YouTube bootleggin'... either way, apparently, this is what the internet is talking about this morning.

Related:

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Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

While You Were Sleeping: The Fox News Child Porn Bust

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

If the grading system had been abandoned at our high schools, we might have gotten into some better universities.

PJ Harvey is coming to America! Who's buying us a ticket?

Who is Hollywood's most bankable star? Will Smith, followed by a host of males: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and-- well-- Brad Pitt's significant other.

Male police officers were punished for taking pictures of themselves at a sizeable party-- each cop was naked and holding a firearm.

Hillary Clinton is bored, wants you to e-mail her. Send her some Scanner links, see what happens.

Have you guys been following the Duff-Dunaway feud? Us neither.

And the Fox News producer arrested for possession of child porn was actually arrested ten years ago for the same crime, and subsequently dropped out of college in Michigan because of it.

So Lap Dances Aren't Acceptable at High School Basketball Games?

Museum Erotica Might Be the Economy's Next Victim

Top 5 Sex Scenes Starring Angelina Jolie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:29:00 GMT

While compiling last week's Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies, we started to realize 1) Angelina Jolie is in a boatload of action movies, 2) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of action movies and 3) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of movies...

5. The Good Shepherd. Angelina Jolie is the only total stranger we can think of who could somehow keep us turned on after demanding to know if we love her. Angie, please, we'd like you to learn our middle name and take a test on the Baltimore Colts first, okay?

4. Foxfire. This here's more of a slumber party sequence than a sex scene, but you won't be complaining. By the way, this is what every guy, aged 8 to 108, imagines women are doing when there are no boners around.

3. Original Sin. We're pretty sure Antonio Banderas does all these softcore porn flicks to get away from that nut Melanie Griffith, although it's hard to imagine any straight guy turning down a script that includes this scene. [By the way, for some reason the volume on this scene is much higher than our other clips. Sorry about that.]

2. Taking Lives. There are some technical problems with the sound in this vi-- oh, who's paying any attention to the bland dialogue and storyline of this movie anyway? Here are two sex scenes for the price of one. And ladies, that's your favorite up-and-comer Gerard Butler in the buff in scene two, which is actually (apparently) from Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

1. Gia. It's possible you could get away with a Top 5 Sex Scenes Just From The TV Movie Gia, All Featuring Angelina Jolie list, especially if you include this as two separate sex scenes-- in the first, Angie has sex with a fence; in the second, she continues to nail the fence, while also including Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell in the action. Good Lord, it must be Friday...

You can check out more Jolie-Mitchell action from Gia in this clip.

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We Nominate... Marisa Tomei For Best Supporting Nipple Rings

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies

Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:03:00 GMT

Every Hollywood action movie has to have a distracting sex scene about 70 minutes into the movie, just before the big, climactic showdown sequence begins-- just ask Sylvester Stallone. We defy you to name one action flick he's done without him rolling around in the sack with a Sharon Stone type, while Enya's instrumental score plays on the soundtrack in time with the snoring of almost everyone.

But, as no dude would feel the film is complete without it, screenwriters and directors keep plugging them in, sometimes ending up with something halfway decent...

Here are our Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies... God forbid you ask us to remember the context these fall in:

5. Cyborg 2. Is that... Good Lord, it is, isn't it? Yep, check out Angelina Jolie's slow-mo boobs in this quintessential pointless action movie sex scene, which was Jack Palance's ridiculously boneheaded followup to winning an Oscar for City Slickers. You can watch a higher quality clip of the same scene here (it's a smaller, non-embeddable frame.)

4. Killing Zoe. Watching this a second time, we realize how hilariously (and obviously) Freudian this is. The clip from the original Nosferatu, where the man springs from the floor, fully erect? Not phallic at all. Neither is the Venus fly trap clamping shut. The more we started thinking about this-- that Julie Delpy is the hooker with the heart of gold who gets Stockholm Syndrome and falls in love with a bank robber... ay ay ay... now we know why this fell into obscurity, despite Tarantino's involvement. Goodness starts at the 10:00 mark in the full film (seen below) or just click this link to go directly to the sex.

3. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. This obnoxiously bad ripoff of "Prizzi's Honor" at least satisfied one requirement of the Hollywood action genre: a gratuitous, PG-13 rated sex scene. You actually see the moment where Brad Pitt decided to cheat on Jennifer Aniston in this clip.

2. The Terminator. It takes a hell of a director to making these two co-stars look sexy-- which is why James Cameron now has more money than a Fannie Mae exec. No wonder he ended up with Linda Hamilton for many years...

1. 300. Try watching any random section of dialogue in this film. Seriously-- you won't be able to last ten seconds without breaking out in fits of hysterical laughter. But this sex scene will shut you up right quick.

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Other Sex Scenes

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

This Week in Gayness: Being Gay Is A Choice, Say Repuglicans

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 15:17:00 GMT

We're really sick of Tim Kaine. First, he botches the Democratic response to the State of the Union in a year when he could have turned the tide away from that dreadful President of ours; then, he decides he wants to be the next DNC chair. Now, this ass-backwards dweeb is going to help lead the party away from progressive values like, for example, marriage equality. Kaine, according to Queers United, "has endorsed an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Click here to ask why LGBT democrats should support a party whose chair is anti civil unions and more anti-gay than John McCain."

The guy who stole the 2004 Presidential election in Ohio thinks being gay is a choice. We don't even know where to start with his fucking scoundrel.

Speaking of elections, a gay bishop is to open Obama's inaugural weekend festivities.

Two hotel staffers in Tennessee were fired shortly after a former employee informed the boss of their homosexuality.

Don't miss the National Lesbian Health Summit in March.

Not satisfied with a statewide ban on same-sex marriage, one assmunch is attempting to outlaw domestic partnership benefits for gays in Tampa, Florida.

Brad Pitt reiterated his support for gay marriage and reminded us he and Angelina won't get married until everyone can.

And Proposition 8 supporters are freaked out about boycotts-- they're suing to try to keep the donation info private. In fact, we wish we could publish a complete list here of all the people who donated-- it's freedom of information, they shouldn't be ashamed...

Related:

We've Changed Our Minds, We're Against Gay Marriage

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Other Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

William Zantzinger, subject of the Bob Dylan protest song "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll," died in Maryland of undisclosed causes.

Ian McKellen isn't too upset PBS doesn't have the balls to include the nude scene in their broadcast of his play.

Marilyn Manson is being sued by his ex-bandmate for twenty million dollars. Why do we care? Wait till you hear what Manson apparently spent the band's royalties on...

Bier, otherwise known as Madonna Wayne Gacy, sued Manson for more than $20 million last year, claiming Manson siphoned off millions of dollars in band revenue.

The funds allegedly paid for drugs, assorted Nazi paraphernalia, the cost of Von Teese's engagement ring and the ex-couple's 2005 wedding, and the interior decorating of Manson's mansion, which features a stuffed grizzly bear, a pair of baboons and the skeleton of a 4-year-old Chinese girl. [E!]

Patricia Arquette shilled for PETA.

Sources say pop singer Fergie is getting married this weekend. At last, a wedding the gossip rags aren't going apeshit over.

Kate Winslet said her teenage co-star was "terrified" during their sex scenes together in The Reader. Who can blame him? We'd have made a mess of the whole thing-- repeatedly.

Even though photos prove he was seeing Angelina Jolie on the side while still married, Brad Pitt claims he did not cheat.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will not resign before he's impeached, even though a committee voted 21-0 to remove him. It's now in the hands of the State House of Representatives.

And Maine is getting the topless coffee shop! Hooray?

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The Day Hugh Hefner Almost Swallowed a Sex Toy

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:03:00 GMT

Plugging his new book "Mr. Playboy" in an interview with Extra, Hugh Hefner opens up about his split with Holly Madison, who he would like to pose for playboy and the day he nearly choked on a sex toy.

We're not all that surprised that Hefner wants Angelina Jolie and/or Scarlett Johansson to pose for his magazine or that he was "blindsided" by his break-up from Madison, but we will now most certainly buy the "Mr. Playboy" based purely on what he claims is its "most shocking revelation."

“Probably an incident that occurred back in the late seventies where I almost swallowed a sex toy.”

We can't imagine a better way to sell a book. Seriously, Hef, you know how to leave a crowd hanging. What was going on when you almost swallowed it? Did you choke? What kind of sex toy? And, most importantly, what were you wearing? (Imaginary scenarios encouraged in the comments section!)

Yet another book to add to our grown-up Christmas list.

[Faded Youth: HUGH HEFNER: “I ALMOST SWALLOWED A SEX TOY”]

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AFI's Lame Top Ten 2008 Movie List

Scanner Matt — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 23:28:00 GMT

Maybe The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is telling us something. Americans grow up to be children (who think superhero flicks and fancy cartoons deserve critical acclaim). Yet another list of the "best" movies of 2008. This time from the American Film Institue.

Is it us or were last year's picks (with the exception of Ratatouille) far more interesting? And no Slumdog Millionaire? No Doubt? This list is only 40% right in our opinion.

AFI AWARDS 2008

AFI MOVIES OF THE YEAR-OFFICIAL SELECTIONS

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

THE DARK KNIGHT

FROST/NIXON

FROZEN RIVER

GRAN TORINO

IRON MAN

MILK

WALL•E

WENDY AND LUCY

THE WRESTLER

We'll throw in the TV list too:

AFI TV PROGRAMS OF THE YEAR-OFFICIAL SELECTIONS

BREAKING BAD

IN TREATMENT

JOHN ADAMS

LIFE

LOST

MAD MEN

THE OFFICE

RECOUNT

THE SHIELD

THE WIRE

Related:

Golden Globe Nominations Even Worse Than We Expected

And the Role of Oscar Host Goes to...

Top 5 Chase Scenes

Top 5 Drunk Scenes of American Cinema

Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

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Stuff Your Stocking With Fleshbot's Top Sex Toys of 2008

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 22:33:00 GMT

There's the Bo, the We-Vibe, the Curve, and something called the Babeland Nubby G.

These and six other sex toys round out Fleshbot's list of the Top 10 Sex Toys of 2008...

The full list includes: 10) The We-Vibe, a vibrating cock ring; 9) The Bo, a silicone cock ring, seen in the above-right photo; 8) The Babeland Nubby G, which had some problems back with toxic chemicals, is reborn in a bang-for-buck model; 7) The Curve, which Fleshbot calls one of the best dildos ever; 6) The Mia, seen in the above left photo, "could pass for a USB device" and is therefore recommended for air travel; 5) The Vibe, despite its imperfect "navigation system"; 4) The Jollie, a dildo of massive girth, and not to be confused with the Jolly Ol' Saint Nick or Angelina Plus 400 Pounds; 3) The Eleven, the $300 dildo for those of you not hit by the economy in any meaningful way; 2) We dated a Gigi in high school-- let's just say we'll order one of these for ourselves. And... #1...

The Sasi. You may recall we announced its release in terrified tones just four short months ago:

SaSi (pronounced "sassy"), is smart-ass vibrator, and does the following:
1) remembers what you like and knows how to repeat itself
2) weilds a "smooth round massage head" like the tip of a tongue, "creating a soft kneading" of varying speeds, in an apparent attempt to replicate some hot oral sex. According to the website.

See the full list here.

Related:

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More Pictures Released from Jennifer Aniston's Naked 'GQ' Spread

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:45:00 GMT

If Jennifer Aniston's naked GQ cover wasn't enough for you yesterday, more pictures from the January issue have been released. We have them after the jump for your viewing pleasure... and the resolution is ~~much~~ a little better.

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Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:14:00 GMT

We got strangely and uncharacteristically uncomfortable when we saw Jennifer Aniston naked on the cover of the January GQ (which hits stands December 23). Perhaps you'll have a different reaction?

It's just that she looks so damn good.

Take that, Brangelina!

In addition to looking amazing, she has a few things to say.

On why she thinks people are still interested in her split with Brad, four years after the fact: “Jokingly: The funny thing is that people don’t realize we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends… No. But can you imagine? That’d be hysterical: I’ve got Zahara on my hip, and Knox…”

On her current relationship with Brad: “We don’t not talk. When there’s something to congratulate or celebrate, there’s always an exchange. But there’s no charge on it.”

On her on-again, off-again boyfriend John Mayer: “Honestly, did not know much about him before I met him. I’d heard … you know, uh ‘Your Body’ – that song. But what I can say is that I had no idea what an extraordinary musician he is. And it’s just great to sit and be witness t that. It’s kind of like, Whoa!”

On the rumors surrounding Jen and John: “I am not having his baby. And I have not popped the question.”

Clearly, she is not pregnant.

We look forward to seeing this in hires.

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Who Is Jennifer Aniston Doing Hot Sweaty Hand Holding With These Days?

[Image, Image]

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:47:00 GMT

Sometimes headlines really do just write themselves: "Indiantown man accused of assaulting girlfriend with hot sweet potato pie." [Sun Sentinel]

Patrick Swayze says that contrary to news reports he's winning the fight against pancreatic cancer. To those who reported otherwise, we say nobody puts Patrick's pancreas in a corner! [Yahoo!]

Happy Britney Spears Day! Not only is she the most Googled person for four years running, it's her 27th birthday. Looks like she made it... [MollyGood]

Soulja Boy has gone on record saying that "Supermanning a Ho" is not something that one can actually do. We know better. [Vulture]

Is giving him money and electing him not enough? Barack Obama is never going to stop asking us for money, is he? At least if we do it now, we get a snazzy scarf. [Barack Obama]

OMG! Chuck and Vanessa were totes caught kissing at the Dallas airport. Sorry, that's Gossip Girl talk. [Us]

Brad Pitt says he'll let his kids decide whether or not he and Agelina Jolie should get married. Srsly? (Sorry, more Gossip Girl talk). [People]

The Australian men's magazine Ralph planned an inflatable-breast giveaway promotion with their January issue, but the shipment of 130,000 boobs was lost at sea! [YBNBY]

While You Were Sleeping: Obama's Replacement

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:56:00 GMT

A 22-year-old became the youngest-ever World Series of Poker champ.

There will be (yet) another Cheech & Chong movie.

Check out this bizarre photo of Stephen Baldwin and Miley Cyrus... is the tattoo we've heard about real?!

Apparently so:

Talk about random...Miley Cyrus, along with Justin Gaston and her mom, hit a Christian bookstore last night in Tennessee for Stephen Baldwin's book signing. One word: why?

"I'm not exactly sure," her rep said, who's apparently as mystified as we are by this surprise showing. "I know they're friends of the Baldwins."

Stephen showed off an "HM" tattoo on his upper bicep that reportedly stands for Hannah Montana, Miley's hit Disney show. The story is that Miley dared him to get the tat, in exchange for a cameo on her show. [E!]

Tammy Duckworth, who lost 2006 bid for Congress, trails Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. in a public opinion poll that asked who should replace Obama in the Senate. Of course, these polls don't matter, since it's up to the Governor, but interesting nonetheless.

And Jennifer Aniston puts Angelina Jolie in her place-- not without cause, we may add.

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Expands the Family Empire to Include Brothels

Is 'Page Six' on Miley Cyrus Skank Watch?

Sloppy Seconds: Somebody Should Tell Miley Cyrus She's a Big Girl Now

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

Say What? Lindsay Lohan Uses The C-Word On Obama

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Jeff Mangum, who wrote and performed the biggest cult indie album of all time, In The Aeroplane Over the Sea, returned to the stage but did not work up the nerve to do any of his own songs.

A raid in Tennessee netted 19 female prostitutes and two transvestites.

You heard what happened on South Park last week, right? Yeah, but did you hear about the show's ratings?

South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour... [Defamer]

Not a fan of giraffes? You will be after this super cute photo spread?

Good news, everyone: Scotland has given you the okay to have a drink while pregnant.

Matthew Shepherd was murdered ten years ago Sunday.

John McCain, who vowed to "whip [Obama's] ass" at the third and final debate this Wednesday, has confirmed he will appear on David Letterman's show the following evening. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin's appearance on SNL is no longer a "done deal."

The national debt is freaking some people out. Especially when they see it (literally) growing before their eyes.

And the favorite face of tabloid readers is no longer Jennifer Aniston... it's Brad Pitt's former "other woman," seen above...

Ironically, Brad Pitt's former wife Jennifer Aniston, who topped the list in 2007, came in second. Jolie won in all Forbes categories - for sales, likability and most covers. [Starpulse]

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Check out the strangely likable 105-year-old-virgin. And no, this is not a fictional sequel to the Steve Carell movie.

Did you hear about the Netflix moviewatching marathon? These sleep-deprived folks would like to tell you all about it in a compulsively readable photo essay.

A hip hop lover who played his music too loud paid a small fine rather than, as the judge offered, sitting down and listening to Bach and Beethoven. We wish they'd fine some of our neighbors for the same thing...

New polls released today show Democrats leading all over the country. One of those coming out ahead is comedian and Senate candidate Al Franken.

Britney Spears will "set the record straight" (while breaking the record for longest career from an untalented singer) in a new MTV doc.

Maybe Russia is an evil state after all.

A woman was busted for pouring hot water on her husband's crotch. Yowwch.

And the controversial "Angelina Jolie breastfeeding" W Magazine cover is no big deal at all. Take a look:

Via Mollygood.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Human Evolution Ended

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Have We Finally Found Stills from the Britney Spears Sex Tape?

The Amazing Disappearing-Reappearing Britney Spears Sex Tape

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

While You Were Sleeping: Mike Myers Is An Inglorious Bastard

Who Would You Rather: Megan Fox vs. Gemma Arterton?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:12:00 GMT

Yes, yes. You'd probably like them both—at the same time, we're sure. But if you had to choose just one (say, someone was holding a gun to your head), would you choose the one that FHM thinks is the hottest woman in the world (Fox) or the one that the men of Scanner think is the hottest woman in the world (Arterton)?

Related:

New Gemma Arterton Sex Scene Steams Us Up For Bond 22

Crush of the Week: Gemma Arterton, James Bond's Rebound Girl

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

We Feel a Little Better About the Three Fried Dough Balls We Ate at Dinner

Who The Hell? FHM's Sexiest Woman in The World

Sloppy Seconds: Whose Illegitimate Half Sister is This?

Emily Farris — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:06:00 GMT

At first we got all excited about the Alanis Morissette karaoke contest but then we realized none of the songs were from Jagged Little Pill. [MySpace]

Did Anne Hathaway rat out her billionaire ex-boyfriend to the FBI? That is, at the same time, badass and deplorable. [The Blemish]

Angelina Jolie is apparently ready to pop those twins our of her sexy body... if she hasn't already. [FameCrawler]

It must be summer, summer, summertime! Will Smith and Jazzy Jeff have reunited, at least for the Hancock premiere. [People]

Uber-Christian Heidi Montag has just released her new single One More Drink: "I'm going home with you if I have one more drink." [Us]

Is this the missing link? Well, we mean the missing Lohan. And she's not really missing, she's just illegitimate. [ICYDK]

It's Always the Unsuspecting Girls Who Turn Out to be Crazy Christians

Angelina Jolie is Smoking Hot in Vanity Fair (In the Bathtub)

Celebrity Ink: Angelina Jolie's Tattoos Look Really Great Next to Her Breasts

Michael Lohan: The Only Person on Earth Who Won't See Lindsay Lohan's Breasts

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Angelina Jolie is Smoking Hot in Vanity Fair (In the Bathtub)

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Angelina Jolie used to be "my gay," meaning I'd happily switch to the other side for her. But when she started doing all of these good-person deeds and began to appear on the cover of every magazine every week with her 17 children, she became a little less attractive to me. So by the time I got my issue of Vanity Fair in the mail yesterday I was a little tired of seeing her. And then I saw this picture of her in the bathtub and all was forgiven.

Aaaand... there she goes talking about adoption again. Adoption is great, don't get me wrong, I just can't have my lesbian fantasy with a mother of six, you know?

[Vanity Fair: A Woman in Full]

Related:

Lesbians Love Angelina Jolie

Celebrity Ink: Angelina Jolie's Tattoos Look Really Great Next to Her Breasts

Rumor Denied: Angelina Jolie Still Looks Like a Caped House

Sloppy Seconds: Angelina Jolie Has a Belly Just Like the Rest of Us While Marion Cotillard Has Some Naked Pictures Just Like the Rest of Us

Rumor Denied: Angelina Jolie Still Looks Like a Caped House

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 30 May 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Earlier we heard wind that Angelina Jolie had shoved those suckers out, but The rumors are NOT TRUE! Angie did not deliver her babies Sunday in a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence.

While Scanner is eager to see the family gal back to her skeletal, world-saving self, it seems we will have to wait just a bit longer. Rest assured, we'll keep you abreast of any and all baby-popping news as the story develops.

Sloppy Seconds: And Who Do These Glorious Breasts Belong To?

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Yet another reason (beyond Scanner Emily's blind love) that ABC should not have canceled "Men in Trees?" Anne Heche is now too broke to pay child support. [Gabby Babble]

Jodie Foster and her undercover lover of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, have split. We wonder if the trouble began before or after Foster thanked Bernard publicly. [Defamer]

Enough with the stupid celebrity couple names already! Johnifer? Really? [Us]

Uh, here's an idea to solve America's obesity problem? Food should be priced at 1-cent per calorie. We have to say, we'd be happy to pay less for kale these days, it's so damn expensive. [CalorieLab]

No need to explain, Mischa. If we could afford to move to Paris, we would, too. [People]

Why those are Angelina Jolie's glorious pregnancy breasts. And it appears all of her baby weight has gone there and to her belly, because she is still thin as a rail. [Yahoo!]