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There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Here's a contest we'd refrain from competing in or even watching.

In Hunterville, New Zealand, the new world's capitol of enjoyable public indecency, there's a competition in which men pick up a bull's testicles using only their mouths and running for 50 meters with them. The testicles, of course...

Sadly, their own prize for these feats of masculinity are a cold beer to wash down the horrific taste. And, as Metro UK notes, "if the beer was from Hunterville it was probably rubbish." Among the other highlights:

[It's] the annual Shepherd's Shemozzle in the small town of Hunterville, where men are men and men eat bulls' testicles.
As part of the competition, punters had to bite into the balls and carry them in their mouths for 50m.
Once that feat was accomplished they had to scoff some dry weetabix and down a raw egg. In a rare respite they then got to wash the lot down with a can of beer.

[Winner Josh Masters said] "Best of all, they weren't connected to anything." [Metro]

Yes, Josh, we would think it quite strange were you to run with your mouth wrapped a bull's nuts-- a live bull's nuts, that is.

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Ninja Cat Is Stealthy, But Ultimately Still Scared of You

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:05:00 GMT

This video of Ninja Cat, the cat that comes closer without moving, is one of the greatest things we've seen all day. So charming, it could even cheer up Lehman Bros. execs.

Sophie Monk Has A KFC Relapse

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:41:00 GMT

Sophie Monk, former Baywatch co-star with/protege of animal rights activist Pamela Anderson, has been busted committing the worst kind of celebrity hypocrisy.

This scandal is so monumental, it would be like seeing Michael Jordan leaving a Foot Locker wearing a pair of Reebok's in 1991. Okay, maybe we're joking around, but check this out: Monk posed nude for PETA in 2007 and said:

"I think the message to KFC eaters (is that) you should think about what you're eating. If you're eating deformed animals that are being induced by hormones, you know, it can not be good for you."

Well, Miss Monk, you appear to have fallen off the wagon. What do you say to Kentucky Fried Chickenshits, those who gobble down god-awful-tasting, god-awful-for-you, god-awful-for-the-world meat from their establishment?

Anyway, when we were going back to being carnivores after brief stints as vegetarians, we never, ever have cravings for KFC. Not even now, years later, would we touch that total garbage. So why would Sophie Monk risk the wrath of a batshit crazy and super-vindictive operate like PETA, just for a drumstick?

Top photo and link via news.com.au. Second photo via the Deceiver.

Today In WTF: 22-Year-Old Guy Robs A House... His Mom's House

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:31:00 GMT

Sometimes news stories make you beg for more. Sometimes they make you beg to figure out why the reporter didn't ask some majorly important, obvious questions.

In this case, our first one would be: how the hell does a kid rob his own house? Why didn't he just wait for everyone to definitely leave the house, open the front door so it looks like somebody came in, then takes everything out the back, load up a car, and drive it to the pawnshop?

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Here's the story, in order:

1) A 22-year-old and his 15-year-old friend (wha?) break into a house on Tuesday.

2) The 22-year-old's mom comes out, since it turns out to be her house, and says, "Like, what the hell are you doing, boy?"

3) The boys flee, but not before firing shots in the air to warn the multiple family members now entering the front of the house to see what's going on.

4) The family called the police, who dispatched a dog, which captured and bit the 15-year-old. The 22-year-old gave himself up without a fight some time later.

5) This was only the coda to their long rampage: the gunslingers are being questioned about a string of earlier robberies that took place earlier on Tuesday.

Much of this info was gleaned from the very thin Seattle Times story.

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Sloppy Seconds: What Happened To Harvey Dent?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:18:00 GMT

No wonder it was so easy to change votes: we had no idea Ohio allowed random people to babysit voting machines at their own homes prior to the election. Anyone who thinks Ohio voted fair and square can at least admit that was a pretty stupid idea, right?

Speaking of Ohio and politics, Stephanie Tubbs-Jones was pronounced dead, then that was retracted, following a brain aneurysm. Tubbs-Jones, a black Congresswoman and hardcore Hillary supporter, is currently in critical condition.

Britney's condition has improved, so much so that people actually want to read about her latest diet...

"I have no sugar. I don't eat fruit or even fruit juice because of the sugar. I eat chicken and salmon and rice. I eat avocados. I'll have egg whites for breakfast and sometimes turkey burgers for lunch.

"I try to do just 1,200 calories a day. It may sound like it's not much, but it's actually a lot of food if you eat the right things.'"

The famous two-headed turtle was turtle-napped last night. How much ya wanna bet it won't be two days before the idiot who stole it will brag to one too many of his friends...

Another bet: How long before they make a movie of the woman who spent her 37th birthday robbing gas stations with her teenage son?

Maybe she spanked her kid too much or something. After all, according to Strollerderby, spanking is just a gateway drug to hardcore beat-downs.

Meanwhile, Paul McCartney denies he has plans to marry a virtually unknown "American socialite."

And finally: Moviegoers have been arguing for weeks about the open-ended climax to the Dark Knight-- spoiler alert! Haven't seen The Dark Knight? Then skip the next paragraph and go straight to the Related section, please...

The script for the blockbuster sequel was made available for purchase on Tuesday and soon after found its way online. It's a long read at 167 pages, but fans looking for confirmation on the fate of Dent need only look at page 163.
"Dent lies at the bottom of the hole, his neck broken," the stage direction, written by brothers Jonathan and Christopher Nolan, reads. "DEAD." (Capital letters their emphasis, not ours.)

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Sloppy Seconds: The Truth About The "Abusive" Paul McCartney

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 20:51:00 GMT

An earthquake this morning registered 5.4 on the Andy Richter scale and was felt from LA to Vegas and down to Mexico. There were no reported injuries as of post time.

Although he's charged with a DUI, Shia LaBeouf was not at fault for the car crash that flipped his truck. The other driver has been ticketed for running a red light...

PageSix claims Marc Jacobs has wed in Paris... and if you didn't know, he married...

his Brazilian boyfriend in a civil ceremony... which is not legally binding.

Other sources speculate that this is just a decoy move while Jacobs gets married elsewhere, away from the prying press...

Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron are to appear on a breast cancer telethon the night of September 5th.

We couldn't imagine Paul McCartney ever hitting anyone-- shit, could you imagine the guy who wrote "Yesterday" and "Maybe I'm Amazed" getting medieval on anyone? Now, Heather Mills' ex-publicist is speaking out and basically confirming what we suspected all along: the evidence of McCartney abusing his ex-wife was completely fabricated to help the wife's case.

We're pretty sure it's a fake of... something... but WTF is this photo Gawker posted?

You can download the Walkmen's excellent new album for $5, with all of the proceeds going to the cause of one hospitalized baby. The music revolution, indeed.

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Anti-Teen Pregnancy Ad Proves PETA Doesn't Want Animals To Breed?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:39:00 GMT

PETA, the People For Ethical Treatment of Animals and Extreme Treatment of Abusers, is taking its latest controversial ad national.

The ad, which is entitled "Sex Talk," according to Fox, features two parents who encourage their teenage daughter to start pumping out babies on a continuous basis. And why, pray tell, would you want to run this in Kentwood, La., hometown of Jamie Lynn Spears?

[It starts with] a mother and father sitting down with their teenage daughter in her bedroom and telling her they have to talk about sex. She looks disgusted and embarrassed, until she hears what they say next.

"We think you should be having it, Sweetie," begins her dad.

"A lot of it," adds her mom.

"Get up there and nail everything you can," her father says.

"If it's got a pulse, you should be wrapped around it," the mother finishes.

The shocked girl asks them what will happen if she gets pregnant. They both shrug it off.

"So what?" You should pop out all the kids you want," the father says, waving away her concerns. "We'll just leave them in the shelter, dump them in the street."

Of course, the ad is really about spaying and neutering your pets. But check this darling quote, which is the whole point of wasting your time on this story:

"People often point their fingers at parents of pregnant teens, and we want to let the people who let their animals breed feel the heat too," People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals spokeswoman Melissa Karpel told FOXNews.com. "It's a fun, edgy way to get the message out about a very serious issue."

You don't think she meant PETA will rain terror down on people who let their animals have offspring, do you?

Anyway, here's the full video. The story is here, via FoxNews.

Can This Love Monkey Get Any F*cking Cuter?

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:27:00 GMT

The answer, friends, is yes, yes it can. Just you want and see what it's holding close to for dear life after the jump.

See, it lost it's mommy and now it loves a teddy bear.

Also, sometimes it cheats on the bear with this woman's nose.

True Love Will Find You In The End... If You're A Swan

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 18:51:00 GMT

Remember the story we told you about last week? The saddest breakup story ever? Well, maybe it was a breakup like the Carrie-Mr. Big breakups always are...

Yahoo!/Odd News is reporting on this breaking news: The black swan has been dumped by her new lover and may be moving back in with the giant wooden boat.

Huh? you're saying, apparently the only person on earth who hasn't heard about the black German swan and her epic love affair with a white wooden swan-shaped pedal boat. Petra fell for the Berlin lake's tied-up boat in 2006, was housed with the lovely piece of manmade beauty in an indoor zoo through the last winter, and stayed with her "man" through these past few months. Last week, we reported that the lovebirds (Scanner Emily, the only blogger here knowledgeable enough about animals and animal sex to confirm or deny any speculation about whether this metaphor is heavy handed) had split up after Petra fell for a real-life white swan.

Her lover, who we're sure lured Petra away only because he wanted what he couldn't have, snatched her up but quickly realized he's just a douche. Reports indicate the new man quickly broke up with Petra and ran away to be with the rest of the whiteys. (There's a metaphor for Barack Obama's recent speech here, but maybe we're too lazy to see it.)

A zoo statement says that Petra "appears to feel lonely" and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat. [Yahoo]

See, people? Even with a seemingly rock-solid marriage like Robin Williams's coming to a close after 19 years, there is still reason to have faith in the possibilities...

Previously: Swan Love Story Saddest Breakup Ever

Balancing Spaniel Warms Our Hearts and Makes Us Feel Kind of Tired

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:31:00 GMT

This 8-year-old King Charles Spaniel has more purpose in her life than anyone you know. She balances shit on her head and body while in a "trance-like state" for hours at a time. The bitch puts that circus seal and his red ball to shame. She's got steel implants in her legs and a weak heart, but still she is pulling off shit like this:

The only trick our dog ever learned was how to steal sandwiches off the kitchen counter, and it wasn't because we taught him how. Little asshole doesn't even know how to make a decent cup of coffee let alone balance a plate with yogurt on it for 5 hours.