Scanner : animal sex

Maine Wood Frogs More Despreate For Sex Than We Are

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:59:00 GMT

It turns out that a colony of wood frogs in Maine are more desperate for sex than we are. The 2 to 2 1/2-inch frogs that quack like ducks are in some serious trouble. You see, once they come out of hibernation, the little guys and gals have what they call "Big Night." It's their annual spring mating ritual, and it generally coincides with the first warm spring rain. But up in northern Maine, their favorite orgy pool, "Club Amphibian" is still iced over. And it gets worse.

Unlike some of us who eat too much to make up for the fact that we haven't had sex in, say, five months, wood frogs cannot eat until they've mated.

"There's a little, little bit of open water around the edges, so the animals usually hang out around the edges, waiting to get in," Aram Calhoun, a University of Maine associate professor of wetland ecology and a wetland scientist for Maine Audubon in Orono, said. "Isn't that something? That must be depressing for a cold-blooded animal. You get to the edge of the pool, and the whole bloody thing is frozen and they're probably saying, 'I told you it was too early to go.' There will be a lot of salamander divorces this time of year," she said.

Salamanders, however, apparently have many years to breed while wood frogs need to make it happen. Now. "Wood frogs are explosive breeders, yet they only live 3 to 5 years, so they only have a couple of times, if that, to breed," Calhoun said. "So, they're very anxious. Much more than the salamanders, which live 15 to 20 years."

This might explain why wood frogs are so damn horny:

Salamanders gather congress-style - they all get in the pool together - and do a little courtship dance, and no one gets hurt. With wood frogs, it's not good to be a female. "It's not uncommon for the females to drown, because she has three or four males on top of her," Calhoun said.

Wood frogs are the only frogs she knows of that attempt to mate with non-frog species.To illustrate just how crazy wood frog sex can be, Calhoun's graduate student, Kevin J. Ryan, who is working on his study site in Canterbury, Conn., photographed a wood frog trying to mate with a salamander."We've had wood frogs mating with our data loggers," Calhoun said. "The data loggers, they're in little plastic containers and they're mating with the containers. They don't care. It's just something to put your arms around. It's been a long winter, you know?"

Oh, we know. It has been a long winter.

But back to the frogs... if "Club Amphibian" doesn't thaw soon, they'll most likely move onto a new orgy pool, which, as Calhoun points out, could result in many squished frogs in the road.

Godspeed, little wood frogs!

[Sun Journal: Driven to mate, frogs on the move to orgy pools]

Related:

Study: Strawberries 'Splain Sex

Anti-Teen Pregnancy Ad Proves PETA Doesn't Want Animals To Breed?

Bestiality Bust Is Our Favorite Swedish Sex Story Ever

[Image]

Turtles are Rapists

Colleen Kane — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Just when you think you've seen it all, the Internet comes along with another wacked-out thing you've never seen. What you're about to witness is a turtle hilariously raping a shoe. And apparently, this is the m.o. for turtles, because a search for turtle rape on YouTube yields numerous results. (I thought they were cleaning up that sort of thing on YouTube?)

The little guy is really going for it.

Related:

Rape Simulation Game: Wheee!

We Need to Come Up with a New Word for "Rape Fantasy"

Do Rape, Don't Tell: Women in U.S. Army More Likely To Get Raped Than Killed

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About "Horrific Beetle Sex"

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:40:00 GMT

We should probably preface this by letting you know that the article that sparked this post is called "Horrific beetle sex: why the most successful males have the spikiest penises."

So, why is it that the most successful males have the spikiest penises? A possible answer and a terrifying picture after the jump.

According to the blog, Not Exactly Rocket Science, Mother Nature graced the male seed beetle with that monstrosity to the right—which obviously injures the female seed beetle—because:

It's possible that the injuries directly benefit the males, either because they stop the females from mating again or spend more efforts in raising their fertilised eggs to avoid the strain of future liaisons.

The alternative is that the spikes could give the males an edge in "sperm competitions", where they compete with rivals not through direct combat, but through fertilising as many eggs as possible. In this theory, the spines are important for winning these competitions, and the wounds they inflict are simply a nasty side-effect.

Sounds a little like some men we know: beating up their women so they'll be in no shape for another man. We can't imagine seed beetles care about monogomy, though, so we're going to go with the second "sperm competition" theory. (But what do we know about beetle sex? Absolutely nothing.)

Also, you've heard of a fluffer right? Well, to find out exactly what a bettle penis looked like, two lucky scientists got to fluff some male beetles:

The duo studied beetles taken from 13 countries across the tropics, from Brazil to the USA, and from Nigeria to Oman. The genitals of these different populations are very varied and to study them under a microscope, Hotzy and Arnqvist first had to fluff their subjects. They anaesthetised the males with carbon dioxide, and erected their penises with an "artificial inflater" - a microscopic plastic tip connected to a pump. Under a microscope, they measured the length of the longest spines and the size of the entire spine-bearing area.

Even after examining the males and females, however, scientists are still unsure of why the male beetle has a penis covered in spikes.

Luckily, for the female seed beetle, she can hold her own. She apparently has a huge amount of connective tissue lining her sexual tracts, so that whatever terrible sexual act the male beetle performs on her, she's not affected too badly. And (this is awesome) when she's had enough, she kicks the male until he lets go, it gets him to cum faster and get that spiky shaft the fuck out of her beetle juice.

Related:

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, See it at Zoorotica

Video of the Day: Isabella Rossellini's Arty, Ridiculous, Awesome Bug Porn

Isabella Rossellini Does Bug Porn

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, See it at Zoorotica

Colleen Kane — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:23:00 GMT

In a week where the moral ground of Kellogg's is being questioned following their dumping of Michael Phelps, another less-than-wholesome story unfolds in Kellogg's hometown, the once-innocent Battle Creek, Michigan. The Binder Park Zoo is offering what they're calling an R-rated exhibition for Valentine's Day: Zoorotica.

"We're going to talk about animal reproduction, the different animals here at Binder Park Zoo and their little quirks, different things that get them going to help them reproduce," said a spokeswoman. There's a waiting list for those (preverts) interested.

Um...romantic?

Suggested follow-up film for this date: Microcosmos, in which you can totally watch insects doing it.

Incidentally, you should probably never do a Google image search for "animal sex" like I just did to find the photo above...unless you are into beastiality.

Related:

Impress the Ladies with Valentine Gifts

Bobby's Valentines Day

Have a steak and blow job today. No, really. We insist.

Horat: The Borat Sexy Sex Movie Film Spoof

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:16:00 GMT

Shaving Ryan's Privates. White Men Can't Hump. Jurassic Pork. Hannah Does Her Sisters. And our favorite, The Sperminator.

Add to these great porn movie titles Horat: The Sexual Learnings of America for Make Benefit Beautiful Nation of Kaksuckistan...

The above photos are screenshots from the new, XXX-rated Borat spoof from a group of pornographers whom we're pretty sure have never seen the Sacha Baron Cohen film. Check out their haphazard attempt to amuse us with Kazahkspeak:

My names is Horat. I video reporter from beautiful nation of Kaksuckistan. My country's ministry of health sent me to U.S.of A to learn about western sex culture. In Kaksuckistan, making sexual relations is very the different than in AMERICA. For one, is very common to loose virginity with your own sister or brother. If you do not have sister or brother, you use family livestock instead- usually sheep or goat. [We're rolling in the aisles already.]

I have documented my travels and sexual learnings with video crew from KAKSUCKISTAN. We are very thankfuls to the great people of U.S.of A who take their time to learn us about sex.

Yawn. Let's go to the video evidence. For those of you at work, check our favorite moments from the trailer, which are, well, also NSFW:

Wha?

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Madonna's New Brazilian Boy is in Porn

Bestiality Bust Is Our Favorite Swedish Sex Story Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:40:00 GMT

We know Scanner Emily mentioned this yesterday, but it's way to good not to blog about in full.

A 45-year-old father of two was exposed by the Swedish newspaper the Expressen for running a bestiality ring that allegedly includes thirty members. But it's not the sex ring or the fact that a newspaper was the one to blow the lid off this thing (instead of the cops, that is) that caused us to sit up and drop our bagels...

Daddy who, thank God, is not married to the mother of those poor children of his, is a farmer (surprise) who owns dogs, horses, and an internet forum for bestiality lovers. Whoops. Somehow, the Expressen managed to infiltrate his underground harem and, after what must have been an unbearable couple of months, confronted the guy, who remains nameless-- because, well, you'll see...

But the man was quick to defend his relations with a bitch he bought online from a city-dwelling family who said they wanted the dog to have a better life in the countryside.

"Any of the times I did anything with her she was the one who backed into me and provoked it. She was in heat and made herself available. There were also times later when she didn't want to and then I backed out immediately," he told Expressen.

Now you see why we love this story? Who the hell does this guy think he is, with the "she seduced me" argument? Oh, right, he's a leader of a large bestiality ring in Sweden. Got it.

It gets worse/better, depending on how much you're sickened or appreciating this insanity? The Expressen's investigator was forced to sit through a regular group meeting, for which members brought a variety of animals to show off, as well as video recordings of their pets in... never mind. Barf.

By the way, the reason we, the Local, and the Expressen cannot name this name? No, it's not because he's innocent until proven guilty-- he's completely innocent, at least in the eyes of the law, since Sweden has no law against bestiality.

"Is it, and should it be, legal to spread something on the genitalia that might smell or taste nice to a dog, in order to allow the dog to lick off whatever is spread on the genitalia?

"Should it be permitted to stroke a bitch's teats with love, or should it be classified as animal sexual abuse?" the minister wondered. [The Local]

Dude, that's the Minister of Agriculture talking. And you thought Sweden was awesome...

Feet Magazine So Gross, Even Foot Fetishists Will Puke

Hot or Not? Cindy Crawford at 42

Spray Away Your Premature Ejaculation

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Sloppy Seconds: Is Victoria's Newest Secret Formaldehyde?

Emily Farris — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:43:00 GMT

Next time you make a friend cookies after she has an abortion, please do not use the fetus cookie cutter. Save it for Christmas. [Stupid.com]

We'll give you a sentence from a story, you try to figure out the headline: "The unmarried former managing director is also moderator of a large internet animal sex forum and has a number of dogs and horses on his farm in southern Sweden." [The Local]

Foreplay is soooo overrated. Apparently. [Telegraph]

Donald Trump is taking good care of Jennifer Hudson while she mourns the loss of her family. [People]

Condoleeza Rice is all about Michelle Obama. [Us]

Numerous women have been experiencing rashes, welts and scarring from Victoria's Secret bras. One lab that tested the bras said the undergarments contained formaldehyde. We'll stick to buying our undies at Target, thank you very much. [Jezebel]

Image via victoriassecret.com.

Top 5 Sex Scenes From the 1980s

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:30:00 GMT

There we plenty of great sex scenes in the 80s... we will certainly be doing a sequel to this list at some point, since there about 1,187 equally worthy clips to show you just from those ten years... hell, even Porky's had a couple of good ones in there...

5. The Hunger. Some will argue this is one of the best sex scenes, period. We can't get over the terrible direction and distracting, awful music. But, hey, it's hard for this not to be hot...

4. Angel Heart. The decade's most controversial sex scene involved-- gulp-- Mickey Rourke and Lisa Bonet, which caused her TV Dad Bill Cosby to attack her in the media.

3. Devil in the Flesh - known mainly for its inclusion on those memorable lists of legitimiate theatrically-released movies featuring actual on-screen sex, this film is very difficult to find except from Mr. Skin and whatnot. We've seen it, but we didn't want to pay to download it just for this post, so here's a link and, below, a screenshot:

2. Cat People... with six-and-a-half minutes of clips from the movie... no graphic sex here, although there is some in the film (if only we could find it on the 'net.)

1. Fast Times At Ridgemont High. As if this needs an intro... you already know which scene we're referring to...

Related:

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New Gemma Arterton Sex Scene Steams Us Up For Bond 22

Giada De Laurentiis: "I'm Not Doing Porn"

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Older Lovers

Jamie Bell's First Sex Scene Marred By Boner

Who Would You Rather: Megan Fox vs. Gemma Arterton?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 16:12:00 GMT

Yes, yes. You'd probably like them both—at the same time, we're sure. But if you had to choose just one (say, someone was holding a gun to your head), would you choose the one that FHM thinks is the hottest woman in the world (Fox) or the one that the men of Scanner think is the hottest woman in the world (Arterton)?

Related:

New Gemma Arterton Sex Scene Steams Us Up For Bond 22

Crush of the Week: Gemma Arterton, James Bond's Rebound Girl

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

We Feel a Little Better About the Three Fried Dough Balls We Ate at Dinner

Who The Hell? FHM's Sexiest Woman in The World

This Is How They Do It: Flatworm Penis Fencing

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:25:00 GMT

The flatworm has long been one of our favorite creepy crawlies for the very reason demonstrated in the video below:

They have both boy parts and girl parts, and they fence with their penises to determine who will be the male and who will be the female. What the hell could this possibly look like?

Check it out in all its feakiness below:

Flatworms Penis Fencing | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

Imagine if every time you wanted to have sex, you had to fence with your junk to decide which gender you'd be....how totally twisted.

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Scanner reader and Debonair Magazine writer John De Feo alerted us to this very interesting survey of global sex trends.

Did you know more people are Googling for lesbian sex in Louisville than in any other US city? Well, at least on the internet.

Among the article's most interesting findings:

Lesbian Sex

Average Daily Search Volume – 56,024
Most Popular In - Prague, Czech Republic
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

TEEN SEX:

Average Daily Search Volume – 54,139
Most Popular In - Delhi, India
Most Popular U.S. City - Louisville, KY

Again, Czech Republic leads in several worldwide findings, including Anal Sex, Hardcore Sex, and Gay Sex, while Louisville also leads statewide in Gay Sex. (Virgina, meanwhile, has the most people looking for Anal and Animal Sex, although not necessarily in the same search bar)

Several cities in India are on the board, all of them for web-based bestiality hunts: Horse Sex and Dog Sex. Yum.

Check out the rest of his preliminary findings here.

Google Thinks You're All Perverts

McCain To Find His VP On Google

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

Somebody Finally Gave Those Gay Penguins What They Deserve...

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:08:00 GMT

For those of you on the hunt for some good Panda porn, the Museum of Sex in New York City has a new exhibit on the sex lives of our furry and feathered friends. So says the press release:

In this “new natural history” the Museum of Sex is presenting an uncensored story of the natural world, moving animal sexuality beyond the confines of reproduction and mating, towards discussions of orientation and cognition. By exploring the most intimate part of life, where it is often said we are most animal like, we can appreciate the significance of research on animal sexuality and, perhaps, extrapolate these concepts to larger issues regarding sexuality in general.

See! Your trips to Daisy's Dungeon of Danger every Saturday night aren't so different from Bonobo monkey circle jerks. Although Bonobos are clearly the porn stars of the animal kingdom, so maybe that's not a very comforting comparison.

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

Caught on Tape: Seal Molesting a Penguin

Emily Farris — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:42:00 GMT

We should probably first make it clear that we're talking about a seal, not Seal the singer.

A young male Antarctic fur seal was caught on tape trying unsuccessfully to have sex with a king penguin for at least 45 minutes. While it may not seem so strange at first, it is considering that as far as scientists are aware, this is the first known example of a sexual escapade between a mammal and another kind of vertebrate, like a bird.

"At first we thought it was hunting the penguin, but then it became clear that his intentions were rather more amorous," [researcher Nico de Bruyn, a mammal ecologist at the University of Pretoria in South Africa] recalled today via email.

The roughly 240-pound seal subdued the 30-pound adult penguin by lying on it. The hapless bird of unknown sex struggled, rapidly flapping its flippers and attempting to stand and flee, without luck.

The seal then alternated between resting on the penguin and thrusting its pelvis at the bird in vain attempts to insert its penis for 45 minutes. Natural, unsuccessful sexual escapades by this variety of seal with members of its own species may last as long as this penguin assault did, "but yes, it is quite a long time and thus unusual," de Bruyn told LiveScience.

The seal then abruptly gave up, moving to sea and completely ignoring the target of its affections. The penguin apparently did not suffer any injury.

We're glad the little guy was okay and we hope he has a good support system to help him deal with this traumatic experience. If anyone has seen the seal, who is 240 pounds with brown fur and long whiskers, please report him to your local precinct. Do not attempt to restrain him yourself; he is very dangerous.

[MSNBC: Seal caught on tape molesting a penguin]

[Image, Image]

Scanner Storytime: Betsey Does Bear Bone, And a Vicar, Too

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:03:00 GMT

Thanks to everyone who contributed to Scanner Storytime, in which we asked you to help us write a dirty story, and especially to Baron Von Monkeychow for ensuring we all have some hilarious one-handed reading this weekend.

And so it begins...

Betsey was a busty girl, with pale skin, wide hips, a soft belly, and buttery blonde hair, cut into a precise chin-length bob—the only hair she groomed perfectly. When her roommate would leave the apartment, Betsey liked to play her Rolling Stones records and dance naked in front of the full-length mirror in the kitchen, while drinking cheap whiskey from a flask encased in leather.

Her neighbor, the vicar, would often peer into her window while she danced late into the night. He was sure she would burn in hell for her sins, but he too was burning-in his loins. It was more than lust, it was a burning desire for which he should be punished. He breathed her name slowly while he began to rub slowly against the windowsill.

The song was "Brown Sugar", and so was her pleasure. She let her fingers do the walking while the vicar began to pray in earnest while continuing to rub against the windowsill. He took God's name in vain when he saw where she had so gently placed those fingers. First on the record player, and then on her backside.

Betsey knew her neighbor would watch her, but she didn't know much about him, except he would pleasure himself while she danced. Feeling tipsy, Betsey decided that today, her neighbor would without a doubt enjoy himself as much as she would. She threw her hands in the air while Mick and the boys crooned and let her hand trail down...

Then, without warning, the seductress stopped dancing, and the vicar silently cursed her for teasing him. Betsey quickly donned a robe and muted her antiquated stereo before going to the front door. "A visitor?" muttered the vicar, scratching his stomach absentmindedly through whatever it is that vicars wear.

Just as the old vicar was about to knob his wolly, an asiatic black bear nammed Claude who had been biding his time in a Japanese zoo, learning the sacred art of Wushu staff fighting broke through the lucious blonde's cracked door, wielding his stick.

"Careful!" she squealed. "You'll make the record skip! We're just coming up to my favorite part... the introduction to 'Sympathy for the Devil'! You look like a bear of wealth and taste!" And Claude put his fighting staff down, reared up on his hind legs and did a wicked shimmy. "Wow," said Betsey. "I never realized that bears were hung like that!" The vicar couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Outside of "experimenting" in his seminary days, the vicar had never had his desire stirred by the male form, but over the years, he had found near all-consuming burning for furries. In fact, even though he had found Betsey's full bosom, achingly soft-looking belly -- which hinted of her indulgences sinful and excessive -- and her wide, rolling hips more than enough to endanger his immortal soul over the past months he had been watching her, it was the wild, un-groomed hair now rhythmically dancing between over her pubis that had set fire to his loins and cast his soul into oblivion. Seeing the bear shimmy excited him so much that his seed had erupted with enough force to stain his cassock through (quite a feat given the layers between). And the sight of the bear's slowly rising, swelling penis was maintaining his erection despite his incredible performance. "Oh, well," he thought, "maybe, I was experimenting, after all."

You do know of course, Constant Reader, that bears' penises (or is it penii) have a bone in them? An honest to goodness bone. Now, Betsey, who was salivating along with the vicar, could be seriously damaged by the bear's tumescence, unless she took the length of the song to get the length of the bear. But first.. she walked over to the window and motioned to the vicar...

The vicar nearly fell over with surprise. Me?!! She wants me?!! His heart leaped into his throat at the mere thought of her flesh pressed against his. How often he had dreamed of her smell, her taste, her sweaty body, and now the chance was before him Waving. Wanting. Him.

He felt a surge of youth in his loins press firmly against his robes. No longer would he be held back by his vows. By god, he was a man! A living, breathing man. One with wants and desires, and these desires were now spilling out of him as he ran down the stairs to be with her.

When he burst through the door of Betsey's apartment, the vicar was more than ready for her. His clothing had fallen off somewhere between his front door and the front door of her building. He had sprinted up the four flights of stairs in near record time completely in the nude. Yet, even he was surprised that he was not the slightest bit out of breath. This surely would be a night to remember. No, this would surely be a night of *legend*.

The bear stared at the vicar, for he too was blessed by the heavens above. Betsey gasped at the length and breadth of his manhood. This should never have been silenced by a vow of celibacy she thought, surely this was God's gift to women everywhere. And with that, she made her move.

Like a jungle cat, she was upon him. Their arms enveloped each other, their mouths explored their bodies. Tasting. Licking. Kissing. Squeezing. It was a frenzied scene of lust, passion and excitement. Finally she could take it no more. Holding his massiveness in both hands, she looked into his eye, no into his soul, and softly spoke to him. "I want this, inside of me" she told him in no uncertain terms. He didn't have to be told twice.

As he entered her, she let out a soft sigh, and then a whistle. The vicar looked into her eyes and said "say when". She giggled, and knew that this was a night of no limits. She took him all the way in, and then held him close to feel and enjoy such massiveness inside her. She had never felt anything like this, and she wanted to be sure to remember it. The bear had been sitting quietly until now. Standing quite deliberately, he raised a hand to his neck and unsnapped something. This was no ordinary bear, this was a man in costume. Inside the costume, it was no ordinary man. It was...

RON JEREMY! This bear is actually a hedgehog. Apparently the spirit of Ron Jeremy has been condemned to roam the earth in a bear suit since he sold his immoral soul to the devil in the 1970's. Regardless of how he got there, he knew why he was there, and what he had to do. He gently rolled the vicar and Betsey over without uncoupling them, leaving Betsey riding on her high horse.

The minutes turned into hours and the hours turned into a day and still they went at it like minks. It was the vicar and Betsey. It was Ron and Betsey. It was the vicar, Betsey, and Ron. It was the vicar and Ron. Betsey was most impressed at their stamina. She had never been so satisfied in all her life. To have two men of such stature and sexual prowess at her beck and call gave her a feeling of superiority over all women. She was euphoric.

Later, lying alone in a pool of sweat and semen and satisfaction, she reflected upon what just happened. She smiled a knowing smile and started the record. "Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste. I've been around for a long long year, stole many a mans soul and faith". She had sold her soul to the devil, and it had been money well spent.

...and so it ends.

[Previously: Scanner Storytime: Choose Your Own Adventure-ish Erotica]

True Love Will Find You In The End... If You're A Swan

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 18:51:00 GMT

Remember the story we told you about last week? The saddest breakup story ever? Well, maybe it was a breakup like the Carrie-Mr. Big breakups always are...

Yahoo!/Odd News is reporting on this breaking news: The black swan has been dumped by her new lover and may be moving back in with the giant wooden boat.

Huh? you're saying, apparently the only person on earth who hasn't heard about the black German swan and her epic love affair with a white wooden swan-shaped pedal boat. Petra fell for the Berlin lake's tied-up boat in 2006, was housed with the lovely piece of manmade beauty in an indoor zoo through the last winter, and stayed with her "man" through these past few months. Last week, we reported that the lovebirds (Scanner Emily, the only blogger here knowledgeable enough about animals and animal sex to confirm or deny any speculation about whether this metaphor is heavy handed) had split up after Petra fell for a real-life white swan.

Her lover, who we're sure lured Petra away only because he wanted what he couldn't have, snatched her up but quickly realized he's just a douche. Reports indicate the new man quickly broke up with Petra and ran away to be with the rest of the whiteys. (There's a metaphor for Barack Obama's recent speech here, but maybe we're too lazy to see it.)

A zoo statement says that Petra "appears to feel lonely" and is swimming around in an agitated state. The solution? On Friday, she will be taken back to the nearby lake and her faithful paddleboat. [Yahoo]

See, people? Even with a seemingly rock-solid marriage like Robin Williams's coming to a close after 19 years, there is still reason to have faith in the possibilities...

Previously: Swan Love Story Saddest Breakup Ever

Swan + Swan Boat Love Story Saddest Breakup Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:49:00 GMT

The weirdest and most Disney-worthy love story of our time has come to an end today.

Back in 2006, the universe made up of people who have too much time on their hands (certainly not any of you Scanner readers, of course) read of Petra, the German swan, who had fallen in love with a large white swan. The only reason anyone besides overly romantic lovers, park flashers, and the rest of the country's nature lovers even knew about this is because the large white swan was, in fact, a pedal boat.

Petra, a tiny black swan, followed the boat around a Munster lake for days at a time, and seemed unperturbed by her celebrity and media attention. During the '06-'07 winter season, the boat's owner was forced to remove the boat from the lake but was not going to be the bad guy in this story and had Petra move into an indoor pond in the city... along with her boyfriend.

The first sign of trouble was noted more than a year ago in a Der Spiegel story:

Wildlife experts hope she will lose interest in the boat when she gets to know the other black swans living in the pond. "There are four singles among them. So there's hope," said zookeeper Monika Ewering.

Today, Weird News confirmed that although their long courtship had lasted much longer than anyone thought, and was thought to be thriving through this past summer when both were out on the lake again, Petra and The Boat have indeed split up:

Zoo director Joerg Adler says Petra and her new mate - a white swan - are building a nest together.
The boat is to be returned to its local owner on Thursday.

Happy hour is starting early for us today, folks, sniff.

[Image courtesy the Associated Press and link via Weird News.]

Erotic Falconry Gives Photoshop New Meaning and Purpose

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:34:00 GMT

Clearly, someone was not content just using Photoshop to draw moustaches, scars, and cum-shots on pictures of annoying celebrities. Whoever created these Erotic Falconry pictures is an innovator and should be recognized as such. Taking mildly dirty photos and tossing that naughty falon into the mix: genius. Scanner salutes you! But, dude, still, you are weird. Lucky for you, actual animal sex is SO MUCH WEIRDER...

According to this list of the 15 Most Bizarre Animal Mating Rituals on Cracked, snakes mate in orgies, earwigs have two dicks, and Bonobo monkeys say "hello" with a little "in and out" rather than a wave. But, Hippos? When male hippos want to mate, they shit themselves. Because nothing says, "dig the load I can drop" like dropping a huge load.

(via Best Week Ever)

Just a Goat Who Can't Say No

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 15:27:00 GMT

An Oklahoma woman was ticketed when her goats were caught having sex in her yard. According to city law in Dibble, OK, public sex between any two animals is illegal. Also, they were probably underage.

nbc5i.com via BoingBoing