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Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:41:00 GMT

Britney Spears has another comeback video for the masses to eat up for two seconds, then dispose of in the nearest receptacle.

Aside from the music, which, like everything the pop star has released, is awful beyond words in our current vocabulary, this is the best MTV video we've seen in years... which, since we haven't seen a video on MTV since 1993, isn't saying much...

Britney Spears - Womanizer (Director Cut)

We kind of like the part where she photocopies her ass (while wearing a skirt? wha?) and then, for no apparent reason, slams that guy's head onto the copier. It gave us a little peek into what likely goes on at Britney Headquarters on a daily basis-- Britney comes in wearing something that would be incredibly desirable on any other woman of the world, then beats the shit out of everyone and shaves herself in appropriate places, like her head or the backseat of a Volkswagen.

P.S. Can anyone explain to us why that cell phone calendar stops on April 20th, of all the dates in the world, the day of the Columbine massacre and Hitler's birthday? Just asking...

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Drunk Man Has Sex With A Toyota (Hey, At Least It Wasn't A Hummer)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:32:00 GMT

A very, very, very, very, very drunk man, rumored to have been running wild in San Antonio, Texas, was arrested recently for... having sex with a parked car. Holy God, and there's video!

And while we love the footage, the music is downright annoying. (You won't miss anything by hitting mute.)

Honestly, the media has no idea where the footage came from and whether it's real (ha-- even if it's not, it's real-- you think the cops are gonna care if this was a prank?) But you can't really blame them... it's not like most people can wrap their heads around the concept of a grown man dry-humping an immobile motor vehicle, even giving it a spanking as he goes.

What's worse is that, although it appears his nether regions are rubbing against the spare, the cover's on the tire, so it's not like he's "poking" any holes... ay ay ay.

Via LiveLeak.

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All Right, Fine... We'll Show You Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:14:00 GMT

This is almost an exclusive, actually. For months, we'd been hearing about this Ray J-Kim Kardashian sex tape, which was briefly sold by one online distributor before being pulled. The only real footage that surfaced on the web was in the form of an almost safe-for-work trailer.

Then we found a couple of five-minute excerpts on Megarotic... making this sort of like Three Pornos In Search Of An Editor, but anyway...

First, the "trailer." Warning, it's incredibly annoying:

Next, the best version we've been able to find of the tape, a three part version. Most of these, you'll spend on fast-forward, but the third one is pretty nice once the slow motion bullshit is over...

1) Ray goes down on her, then there's some pointless footage of Kim's crotch... while she is in public... wearing jeans:

2) Next up, more sex, beginning with Kim saying she's too shy to show herself off... before showing off her ass and poonannananany... and boobs... and Ray J's dick...

3) At last, we come to the XXX finish... well, if you fastforward to the last two minutes, that is..

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Hot or Not: Jodie Marsh's Boobs?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:07:00 GMT

Lest we forget that Britain has its own terrible reality show (stars) that never cross the Atlantic, this is Jodie Marsh of the UK's Celebrity Big Brother. (We'll trade anyone on America's Next Top Model for any of yours, guys, at least so we can have a change of pace.)

She is the subject of much debate, mainly because she presents the usual annoying paradox in the sense that, much like the boy whose father is killed in a car crash but can't be operated on because the surgeon is his mother, Jodie Marsh is a person with gigantic bosoms who we'd normally enjoy having sex with except she is totally repulsive^.

So, your Hot or Not work assignment for today (you know, rather than actually doing work) is not just about Jodie Marsh's boobs. It's about whether Jodie Marsh herself is hot or whether or not a) fake boobs mean she's automatically not, b) boobs this fake mean she's automatically not, or c) being this annoying means she's still not automatically not hot. Confused? Never mind, just let us know if she's hot or not.

Marry Me Jodie Marsh was launched with the teaser "I'm getting married this September... Only problem is that I don't have a man!". Men were invited to submit an application for a series of open auditions for the chance to marry Marsh that September. MTV filmed the search and subsequent wedding.^[7]

The reality series featuring Marsh entitled Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up the Aisle?, premiered in July of 2007 documenting Marsh's search to find a husband.^[8]Marsh eventually chose Matt Peacock, an ex-boyfriend of fellow glamour model Jordan.^[9]

[Except...] In the final episode of the show, MTV executives confronted Marsh and Matt Peacock with taped footage of Peacock's audition claiming he and Marsh had been dating for months and living together for three months, contrary to the show's claims. "I'm not hiding the fact I did the TV show for money. Of course I did". ^[14]
On Friday 13 January, Marsh was first to be voted out of the Big Brother house — with 8 out of 10 possible nominations (the highest ever margin)... She cried during her post-eviction interview with Davina McCall describing the experience as "horrific" and her housemates as "vile jealous bullies".^[5]

Um. We'll pass, thanks.

Via the Superficial.

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^it's ridiculous that we have to say this, but... "we're kidding..."

Rachael Ray Sex Tape Best YouTube Parody In Ages

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Rachael started to get us very excited and so we were ultimately disturbed by this audio clip from the sex tape Rachael Ray made before she was famous.

NSFW, but too funny to miss. You will also probably lose your (sexual) appetite for the duration of the day, so please listen with earplugs fully enabled, like Odysseus if the sirens were screeching TV "chefs" with giant teeth.