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Couple Busted For Having Sex At the Queen's Residence, Filming A Japanese Porno

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:28:00 GMT

We really had to check secondary sources to substantiate this one.

A couple of thirtysomethings were arrested for having sex outside Windsor Castle, while the freakin' Queen of England was kickin' it old school inside. You won't believe what they got away with during an amazing twenty-minute romp in the garden while untold numbers of tourists and pedestrians cheered them on...

Police say the unnamed pair had sex on a private sliver of grass while Japanese tourists filmed them on their Handycams or whatever. People on the street pointed camera phones and flash photographs were taken. The duo did the nasty without interruption for twenty minutes before the Royal Protection Squad finally figured out what was up. Great to know the Queen has a top surveillance system in place these days.

It doesn't even seem like they have been charged with a crime-- the couple were released after a sobering night in jail and "cautioned" not to give the Queen a thrill like that again. Most outrageous of all, observers say, is that the couple violated a "Keep Off the Grass" sign. We're not joking.

Some info sourced from the Telegraph.

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PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania is in deep doo-doo after bullying and threatening the parents of a bunch of girls between the ages of 10 and 16 about their sexting problems. He threatened to imprison an eleven year old for something that isn't even a crime (wait'll you hear this) and is being sued by the ACLU on behalf of three furious families.

Skumanick sat down with parents one day and showed them the lurid images and said that either the girls enter into a treatment program for their sexual problems or be forced to endure a trial to juvie hall, a trial, and possible jail time.

Another confiscated phone had photos of a 17-year-old girl that she described in an interview as "semi-nude pictures, underwear and stuff like that." The girl, who took the photos herself, was debating whether to send them to her boyfriend when a teacher took the phone.

Mr. Skumanick thought he had enough evidence to charge them as juveniles on pornography violations -- not just for sending the photos, but for appearing in them, too.

At a school assembly during the crisis, one boy was ejected and told "this isn't a debate" for questioning whether the DA was ruining people's lives by carrying on his investigation. Soon after, letters began appearing in mailboxes around Wyoming County, telling parents their children were being suspected of involvement with child porn and ordering the adults to appear at a courthouse meeting, where the phones were laid out and anyone could see the porn pics. An 11-year-old in a bathing suit was told she could be charged for "posing provocatively."

Another was told the years-old photo of her in a bra at an all-girls slumber party could get her in deep trouble-- and that she could be raped by an old man who might across the pic. One 17-year-old attended the meeting herself and cried out,"I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts."

And not long after that, the ACLU filed suit, effectively blocking charges against the children Skumbag is so aggressively pursuing.

Via WSJ. [Please right-click to open this link in a new window.]

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18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 21:38:00 GMT

A teenage boy, already a defiant smartass to the media that's hounding him outside his home and high school, has been charged with sexual exploitation in a case that's sure to garner national attention.

But it was an individual who wasn't even a participant in the act that has caused the biggest scandal the state of Tennessee has seen in years...

Deandra Woodall is accused of videotaping teenagers, including himself, engaged in a threesome, without the female victim's permission. The female, by the way, is 15-years-old. Woodall allegedly took the camera phone he recorded the menage a trois with to school and began showing it around class, boasting about his work as if it was his own performance on screen. Of course, word immediately traveled to the assistant principal, who tore him a new a-hole... before confiscating the phone.

Here's where it gets all scandalous in a hurry: the assistant principal himself committed a far worse crime than any so far in our story. First, he downloaded the copy to his work computer and deleted the original file. Next, he began showing other random people the hot sex going on in the grainy video, probably yukking it up at the poor kids' expense. And finally, and here's what makes this so incredible, he never notified the police, higher ups, or the parents of any of the children involved. He was only discovered after rumors continued to swirl.

Now Terence Bobo faces charges of tampering with evidence and sexual exploitation of a minor, while the boy is charged with the latter. His reaction to reporters flinging desperate questions about his fate: "I like your hair, just take that down on your notepad."

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German Pop Star Arrested for Spreading a Little HIV With Her Message

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:51:00 GMT

A member of one of the most famous girl bands in Germany has been arrested on suspicion that she knowingly spread HIV to at least one man.

Nadja Benaissa (pictured second from the left), a member of the band No Angels, is accused of sleeping with at least three men, sans condom, full-well knowing she was HIV positive. At least one of those three men has tested positive for HIV, supposedly as a result of sleeping with Benajssa over a period of a few weeks in 2004.

Benajssa was arrested at a nightclub on Saturday night where she was set to give a solo concert and is now being held in a one-person cell in a women's prison.

Under German law, knowingly infecting another person with HIV qualifies as "grievous bodily harm" and can result in six months to ten years in prison. However, if Benaissa can prove she did not know she was HIV positive, the infection will not be considered a crime.

The organization German AIDS Help believes that the way in which her status was made public was unacceptable. "This case fits fantastically into the tabloid and media landscape," said Jörg Litinschuh, spokesman for DAH. "It centres on a famous woman, sexuality and possible guilt. It's a form of modern witch-hunting and I hope it's not an indication that the politics of dealing with HIV and Aids is becoming more restrictive."

Yes, but remember kids: no matter what that boy or girl says (and no matter how famous he or she is), you need to see those STD test results before the condom comes off.

[Guardian: German singer in jail after ex-lover claims she infected him with HIV]

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[Image]

Mile High Club Lovers Take Sex Life to the Fast Lane

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:17:00 GMT

A little over a year ago, a friend of ours with the commenter name of "Ahem" caused a stir on these pages by suggesting he was able to accomplish a minor version of a threesome while operating a motor vehicle.

We were a threesome "couple" (trouple?), and luckily both were as thrilled with the idea as I. My GF in the backseat stripped down and crawled over me and into position while my GF in the passenger seat took up the task of steering. I did what I could to both provide and enjoy pleasure while keeping my foot on the gas and my eyes on the road through two very firm thighs.

While we can't actually confirm this story really happened, here's one that the police were able to, thanks to their dashboard cams. And unlike the above story, this sex act takes place in the fast lane...

According to the local newspapers in Norway, a 28-year-old man and his 22-year-old lover were arrested after cops spotting them having intercourse while the man was driving (see above illustration for an explanation on this strange phenomenon.)

Officers who clocked the couple's silver Mazda 323 racing at 133km/h in a 100 zone realised they were doing more than just breaking the speed limit, police told AFP on Monday.

"It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say," said Tor Stein Hagen, a superintendent with Soendre Buskerund district police.

"He couldn't see much because her back was in the way," he added.

"Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know."

Well, Tor, obviously you've never been laid properly. It's precisely because of the high risk, great story, and that need to get off that people generally have.

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Huge High School Sex Investigation Ends With A Single Arrest... A Lesbian Teacher

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:08:00 GMT

Schools across the state of Texas, worried about the outbreak of teacher sex scandals, have launched a full-scale investigation in several districts, aimed at finding out about the goings-on before the police or media do. Unfortunately, this move has backfired in at least one case-- an unnamed high school teacher, embarrassed after the whole school found out he'd been investigated, decided to resign even though the investigators exonerated him.

After school districts began complaining about the unrest among staff, investigators decided to back off... having arrest one single, solitary person.

Jennifer Lea Burton, a 39-year-old phys ed teacher and coach in Beaumont, was busted for having sex on at least three occasions with a 15-year-old girl. Burton met the girl through her work as a volleyball, track, and basketball coach in the fall of 2008 and started sleeping with her almost immediately, according to unsubstantiated rumors. Investigators say the acts happened between September and November of last year and then may have ceased. In any case, Burton was not found out until a few weeks ago, when her name was dropped during the investigation. Burton turned herself in to police on the sexual assault charges and was released on a $75,000 bond.

By the way, Burton has a daughter in the district-- possibly even at the same high school. That can't be good for her well-being, either.

Via The Beaumont Enterprise.

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Sloppy Seconds: Missouri's Weekend at Bernie's... Two

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabble in the Harry Potter movies has been arrested on charges of possessing some magic herbs. [The Inquisitr]

What? More Star Trek? When will it ever end? [Yahoo!]

Remember earlier today when we said we had no idea what was going on with our state of Missouri? It gets worse. The town of Winfield, MO elected Harry Stonebraker to his fourth term as mayor yesterday. Too bad he died a month ago. It should be noted that this is not the first time Missourians have elected a dead man. [SNAFU-ed]

A crew has taken back a U.S. ship from Somali pirates! [NPR]

Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston said this morning that certain members of the Palin family are lying liars and that he sure as hell was living in sin with Bristol. [Us]

Lindsay Lohan may be heartbroken over her split with Samantha Ronson, but Lohan's grandmother is heartbroken over the split-up of the Lohan family. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: Oral Sex is Bad, Mmmmkay?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Apparently, we're one step closer to having eternal sunshine in our spotless minds. Except, instead of forgetting about Jim Carrey doctors might be able to make us forget how much we love hamburgers. And pulled pork. And cheesecake. And those little biscuits at the seafood place. And that would be so, so awesome. [NYT]

We sort of wish we would have waited to break our wrist at the Down & Derby that Cosmo Baker is spinning at instead of the one (about this time last year) that featured some DJ we'd never even heard of. Anyway, if you're in New York and a better roller skater than we are, you should check this out. We will be in town for it, but we will not be seeing you there. [TheKeyRoom]

An iPod you can control with your facial expressions? No thanks. One day we're walking down the street trying to skip from the Katy Perry version of "I Kissed a Girl" to the Jill Sobule version. Next thing you know the guy is telling the cops he could have sworn we were begging him to put his penis in our mouth. [Reuters]

That bisexual reality star we're no longer allowed to talk about thinks that she and Meghan McCain are very similar because they're both Scorpios and they both...wait for it... "have strong opinions about things." [Us]

While Farrah Fawcett fights an uphill battle against cancer her son Redmond can't help but get into a little bit of trouble. [RadarOnline]

Patrick Swayze seems to be faring a little better in the cancer department, though it's all still so sad. [People]

Here's yet another reminder that oral sex will give you mouth AIDS or cancer or something like that. [Jossip]

Speaking of oral... we have to admit that though we've heard her name, we have no idea who Aubrey O'Day is, but apparently Kathy Griffin likes the taste of her mouth. [FadedYouth]

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Mr. ShamWow and Hooker Exchange Slap Chops

Colleen Kane — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 14:47:00 GMT

ShamWow/ Slap Chopper pitchman Vince Shlomi was arrested on felony battery charges last month after a transaction with a prostitute went wrong in his South Beach hotel room.

After she propositioned him for straight sex, Shlomi took Sasha Harris to his $750-a-night hotel room and paid her $1,000. He might not have known it then, but he was headed straight for a mugshot photo session.

When the pair kissed, Harris allegedly bit his toungue and wouldn't release it, wherupon Shlomi punched her until she let go.

Here's what the cat dragged in following the incident.

Harris, who has been busted at least twice before and would not cooperate with officers, sustained facial fractures and lacerations. She told The Smoking Gun that she's considering a lawsuit against Shlomi.

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14-Year-Old Girl Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:54:00 GMT

A fourteen-year-old New Jersey girl faces up to 17 years in prison and lifetime membership into the Sex Offenders registry after police found her to be in possession of child pornography, including some graphic, full-frontal nude photos.

Of course, there's much more to the story than just that...

A message like the one seen above now takes up most of the unidentified girl's MySpace Pictures folder. It is believed, based on early reports, that the teen posted more than two dozen nude photos of herself to her profile, mainly for her boyfriend to see. How anyone could still think they're going to get away with this with all the buzz about people being arrested for sexting is beyond us. Why anyone would post the photos on a public profile with the intent of one person seeing them is way beyond our capacity of understanding. Which is why the only explanation is that this girl is too young to know any better, and therefore, she should not be going through this:

The teen, whose name has not been released because of her age, was arrested and charged with possession of child pornography and distribution of child pornography. She was released to her mother's custody.
If convicted of the distribution charge, she would be forced to register with the state as a sex offender under Megan's Law, said state Attorney General Anne Milgram. She also could face up to 17 years in jail, though such a stiff sentence is unlikely.

You'll note that Milgram is not saying, "Wait a minute, the pictures are of herself? And she's only 16? Um, yeah, we'll be knocking this down a misdemeanor, no question." Idiot.

Meanwhile, the mother whose daughter is the basis for Megan's Law said the girl should absolutely not be prosecuted. This is really a no-brainer, New Jersey. Taking the photos down and giving her a severe reprimand would have been enough...

More via the Associated Press/Google.

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Consecutive DUIs: Three Times a Lady

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:13:00 GMT

This tragicomic tale contains several points in the "comic" column, but it begins with a 60-year-old woman driving on her vacay while dipping into an open box of wine.

The news article does not specify whether the woman was a mom, but she probably is because boxed wine is for moms to get loaded at home. This woman didn't keep her box of wine at home, though, she took it on her road trip vacation in Wisconsin (sorry, but we found that part amusing as well; it's not the first place you think of for a road trip).

The first arrest happened on March 11th, when the woman was spotted by a deputy trying to drive out of a ditch. She had only one shoe on and a blood-alcohol level of 0.21. She was arrested again a day later while attempting to get her car out of the snow in a closed campground. This was clearly a budget road trip for these rough times we're all facing. At that time, she estimated she'd had "four or six cups" of wine.

"I am still finishing up the box of wine in my car from yesterday," she told the officer.

After 12 hours in jail, she was free again, then arrested again when her car was spotted driving "all over the road," read the police report.

Apparently the box of wine had been polished off at that point and half a bottle of wine was found. This time, her blood alchol level was .16, and the woman now faces 30 days in jail and fines in excess of $3,000. So much for the low-budget vacation.

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Man Attacks Police Horse With 5-Foot-Long Penis

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 20:30:00 GMT

Hurling anything at a police officer is never a good idea. Hurling a five-foot-long inflatable penis at a police officer's horse? While probably harmless, and not as cruel as, say, a hard plastic dildo, it's still not a good idea.

A man was arrested in Wichita, KS was arrested and charged with battery on Sunday morning after he did just that.

The man was accompanying a group of women on a “Bachelorette party” when two officers on horseback spoke to the group. The man, who had previously been “joking around” with the penis thought it would be funny to hurl it at an officer, but missed and hit the horse instead, spooking the horse.

According to local reports, police arrested the man on suspicion of battery of a law enforcement officer, in this case, the horse. As this occurred, the sister of the man grabbed the officers arm, so she got arrested as well.

But because there’s always more, another woman in the group was arrested when she struck the horse’s head, although what isn’t clear is the why. What we do know is that the horse stood on the woman resulting in injuries that required medical attention, but we don’t know if that happened before or after she struck the horse. To twist the line from Over the Rainbow, you most definitely are in Kansas.

[Inquisitr: Man charged with battery for attacking a police horse with a 5ft long penis]

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Young Guy Waits In Tree For His Girlfriend To Come Along And Accept His Ring

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:14:00 GMT

You would think the police, parents, and school officials would be thrilled to death by a guy who waits up in a tree in Terre Haute, Indiana for his girlfriend to get out of school. See, he's going to propose marriage and has driven all the way for Michigan or Wisconsin or one of those crazy places and has the ring in his pocket and everything.

What a hopeless romantic, right? "Hopeless" might be the word for it, yes...

According to a variety of bloodthirsty news outlets, a 20-year-old internet dork named Alex Edwards drove down to Indiana from Wisconsin and waited for his girlfriend to get out of school so he could propose. Awww... shucks. As it turns out, his girlfriend is a 14-year-old eighth grader who has been telling everyone she's been trying to break up with this creep for ages. And yes, they've had sex.

Edwards was surrounded by cops by the time school let out and he had this to say about his predicament:

Alex Edwards, 20, admitted he had sexual relations with the girl last August. He told reporters before his court hearing Tuesday he believed the relationship “was the same as like a 26-year-old and a 20-year-old.”

Not quite, Casanova. You're now facing several years in prison, not to mention spending his 21st birthday (Sunday)... in Indiana. Ouch.

Via TribStar.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The Iraqi shoe thrower was sentenced to three years in prison. Come on, even if this happened in Texas while Bush was Governor, he probably wouldn't have received such a lengthy prison term.

Radiohead to a vindictive Miley Cyrus: shut up and "grow up."

This mama monkey in Thailand shows her incredibly cute lil' monkey offspring how to floss with human hair. And they say evolution is a myth.

Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's doctor were charged with being complete assholes to her, basically helping her die young.

A great many teens appear to blame Rihanna for Chris Brown going medieval on her. Where does this kind of thinking come from? The parents?

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is getting spiritual advice from... Russell Simmons? Not that we're against it, but we're hoping he's advising her to abandon her singing career.

It seems John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again. Moving along...

And Will Ferrel will broadcast his Broadway show on HBO at 9pm EST on Saturday.

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Here's A Kind of Teacher Sex Story We've Never Seen Before...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:45:00 GMT

It's not even ten a.m. on the first day of this workweek, and there are already two bizarre teacher sex scandals to report. The first featured a kid, having engaged in a sexual relationship with his teacher since October, caught by the principal... (literally) with his pants down.

Now comes the story of yet another lecherous teacher and her teenage male victim. However, this case features a twist that we could never have predicted, even after reading of dozens of these cases over the years.

When 46-year-old junior high school teacher Linda Nef walked into a police station near Bountiful, Utah, cops had no idea a major media firestorm was about to descend on them. When Nef confessed to having sex with a thirteen-year-old male student, she fingered Valynn Bowers, 39, as a fellow rapist... of the same boy.

Bowers, in case you haven't figured this out, is a teacher at the same school.

According to local media reports, ~~Hef~~ Nef started sleeping with the boy first, but was dumped for an unknown other party, with whom the boy has been carrying on a sexual relationship for the past three months. One day, Bowers entered Nef's classroom and confronted her in what may have been a jealous rage, telling the older teacher, "I'm the new girlfriend." Or she could have simply said, "Hey, we really screwed the pooch on this one." However, we doubt that last part, as Nef is the one that freaked out and went to the police after the revelations.

The local news, predictably, has a unintentionally hilarious time trying to figure out how to work with these details:

With the suspects being so much older than their victim some wonder what would prompt them to commit the crime.
University of Utah psychology professor Don Strassberg says that would be an easier question to answer if the teachers were men. With men, he says, it's probably about the sex.
But it's more complicated when you're talking about women. For them, Strassberg says getting into a relationship like this is likely more about them: their needs, having control, getting attention.

Thank you, Professor Obvious. (Read more of his brilliant insight at ksl.com.)

We've been warning the public for months that the daily onslaught of these cases is going to eventually reach a breaking point and outdo itself-- in other words, we predicted that these kinds of "teacher sleeps with student stories" were going to involve in something even weirder, like janitor sex or parents getting used to it, but we never say a menage a trois coming....

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This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:46:00 GMT

One of the saddest celebrity relationship stories of all-time gets worse by the day. Yesterday, a tabloid published Rihanna's personal phone number, Chris Brown obtained a reprieve and... oh no... now there are strong rumors that the two may have gotten married in secret.

There must be something we can do to put a stop to the madness...

1) Defamer reported that Extra, in their published report on the Chris Brown search warrant, failed to properly and entirely redact the phone numbers included in the affidavit. Defamer called one of the numbers and got what appears to be Rihanna's voice on a voice mail. Great, just what this girl needs-- more people bothering her.

2) Yesterday, Brown appeared in court for his arraignment on two felonies but will not have to enter a (not) guilty plea until April 6th. TMZ speculates that the singer may try for a plea deal to make this case go away-- although, without Rihanna playing ball for them, the prosecution might have a tough time winning a jury trial against him. Later on, Chris went out partying with just his bodyguards, staying out until almost four o'clock in the morning. This guy just doesn't know what the hell he's doing, does he?

3) The blog Geno's World is as pissed about all this as we are. They, like many Rihanna fans and other observers, are pulling their hair out at the idea that Rihanna is sticking with this guy and may have even married him, as if that's going to help anything. He's clearly not going to learn how to behave by being rewarded with your devotion. Geno asked a convicted murderer what would happen to Chris Brown in prison... out of pure curiosity, of course. Of course.

"He better come prepared for some fun. That's all I gotta say. What do I mean? There's a lotta fellas here who love Rihanna and her music. They ain't too happy with what went down. I mean, you can't treat a princess like Rihanna like that. You gotta show some respect for a goddess like that. The guys here would love to show Chris how to really treat a woman. And you know what I mean, Chris would be the woman. That man is too damn pretty. He'd be very popular in here."

These words would be disturbing if we weren't not-so-secretly thrilled to hear them. Is that wrong?

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Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:57:00 GMT

If you've just been paroled after a somewhat lengthy prison stay, one that featured no conjugal visits and no reported sex with any female administrative assistants, you're probably about forty times hornier than the average male, who is, on average, forty times hornier than Jacques Casanova after three hits of ecstasy.

So, it's almost-- almost, we emphasize-- understandable that Jason Leroy Savage did something unspeakable with an inanimate object after his release...

It was October 16, 2008, in Thomas Township, Michigan, and the Fill-N-Wash Car Wash (no pun intended, of course) was open for business. According to reports, a police officer responded to a call about "suspicious activity" at the business at about 6:45am. Upon arrival, he immediately noticed Savage standing in an "awkward" position near a coin-operated car vacuum machine. As he approached, he noticed Savage's pants were at his ankles and that he was receiving a literal "blow job" from the vacuum cleaner. Savage shrieked, "Oh shit!" and tried to explain... although he mainly ended up just apologizing for his embarrassment at having been caught having sex with a machine.

Savage was apparently on parole for a drug charge, among other minor crimes. He pleaded no contest yesterday and will face sentencing in March.

Original reports are here and the followup is here.

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15-Year-Old Boy Arrested For Sex With 13-Year-Old Girl... Guess Who Doesn't Get Arrested?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:15:00 GMT

Arkansas, you have really been on our shit list this week.

First, we find out that you've banned atheists from running for public office, a policy that doesn't pass muster under the watch of the U.S. constitution. But you've never cared about equality, freedom of religion, and justice, have you?

Next, we learn that you arrested a fifteen-year-old boy for filming a "consensual sex act" with a thirteen-year-old female and slapped him (and the cameraboy) with Class-C felonies. What, pray tell, Arkansas, did you do with the thirteen-year-old girl?

Local news stations have given us the answer: the state of Arkansas is doing nothing with the thirteen-year-old girl. Of course, we don't mean to infer that anyone should be arrested in this case-- they are consenting teenagers, leave them alone-- but since both are underage, why not arrest both for corrupting a minor? Is thirteen too young to arrest in Arkansas for a sex crime? If that's true, why is fifteen old enough to send to juvie for the same act?

(The age of consent in Arkansas is 16, and the criminal code states that if the suspect is under 20, they may only be charged with a misdemeanor, if we're reading this right. Of course, they're charged with "employing or consenting to the use of a child in a sexual performance," which gets around the sex law thing a bit.)

In any case, the whole thing stinks. Why can't Arkansas get the big government they hate so much out of our private lives?

Read more here.

Photo via.

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14-Year-Old Girl Arrested for Sending a Text... and Not Even That Kind of Text...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 16:14:00 GMT

How the hell do you go from sitting in class, not paying attention to the teacher and typing a text message on your Cricket, to getting arrested?

According to various local news reports out of Pennsylvania, you do it by being a total brat. The unnamed fourteen-year-old girl in question was asked to stop texting in class and refused (hey, at least have the decency to lie and say you'll cut it out.) She continued to text right in front of the teacher, who finally had to call in the School Resource Officer.

The officer took the girl to the office of the Dean of Students, who asked the girl where the cell phone was. She shrugged and denied having a cell phone. (Commence eye rolling now.) The Dean eventually had to call the girl's parents... but the girl repeatedly gave him the wrong number. (Dude, don't you have records for these kinds of things? What if there'd been an emergency?) Finally, the police were called in to search the girl's person-- the phone was found down her pants, by her butt.

After all this, we guess they had no choice but to arrest her for disorderly conduct and suspended her for several days. If only they had a more serious charge-- what, they couldn't fake a cop punch and charge her for that? (Kidding.) Before you leap to her defense, know that she kept returning to the school to meet with friends over the next two days, even though she wasn't allowed to be there-- this time she was slapped with a trespassing charge.

Couldn't she have just sent a nude photo of herself like the rest of the girls so there'd be more to this story?

Read more here. Image via.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:49:00 GMT

Sheila Langman may not be the most intelligent person.

She was arrested in October for having sex with a fifteen-year-old boy, pled not guilty, and is awaiting trial. That isn't why she's an idiot. We find her guilty of that charge because she couldn't resist a little V-Day affair with the same kid, even though she knew the police were monitoring her every move...

According to the Northwest Florida Daily News:

Sheila Langman, 38, was under GPS monitoring, according to the Santa Rosa County Sheriff's Office. At about 7:40 p.m. Friday, investigators say their alarm went off because she was near the boy's home.

Deputies tracked her and pulled her over on Misty Meadow Lane - about a mile from her own house on Parker Lake Circle - where they say the boy was in her car.

After her initial arrest in October, a judge ordered Langman, a former cheerleading coach, not to have any unsupervised contact with minors. And a perimeter around the boy's home was an "exclusionary zone" she wasn't allowed to enter.

Langman was originally arrested after a complaint was made to the Department of Children and Families, not necessarily by a family member. Police and prosecutors allege the cheerleading coach and her young man engaged in sex on multiple occasions last summer.

Oh, and in case you think this is a very, very sexy story for some bizarre reason (well, after all, the kid got in the car with her again last week), you might want to avoid seeing this mugshot.

Via NWFDailyNews.

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The Cross-Dressing Mafia Kingpin Makes Gangsters Seem So Much More Cuddly

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 18:39:00 GMT

The Italian movie Gomorrah, which is so controversial, everyone involved fears for their lives, including the author of the original novel, who has had to accept 24-hour police protection. Why? Because it involves the newer, much more sinister Mafia.

E! calls the movie a "bloody, dull business," and we have to agree. It's three hours of ruthless, pointless, loosely-connected scenes of graphic violence and no narrative thread to keep the audience engaged. Nonetheless, at least it has raised awareness of the Camorra (get the title's pun now?) and the modern European Mafia, which is threatening to become more powerful than Mexico's drug cartels...

Luckily, the police are making their move. Yesterday, they rounded up a bunch of Italian gangsters and other degenerates, including one woman who goes by the name "Kitty." It turns out that Kitty is actually Ugo Gabriele or-- snicker, snicker-- Gabriele Ugo, as some papers have reported "her." Gabby is actually a "big, burly dude," according to the police, and the world's first known transsexual Mafioso. (The closest was Vincent "the Chin" Gigante, who walked around in his bathrobe and pretended to be insane, but even he wasn't nutty enough to pretend to be a cross-dresser-- that would've gotten him whacked for sure.)

Gabby allegedly works for the Camorra out by the airport, running what else but a prostitution ring. How cliche of you, sir.

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Today in WTF: Man Has Sex with or in a Dumpster

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Journal Times in Racine, Wisconsin ran a story today about a 39-year-old man who was busted for "performing a sex act" in a dumpster. Steven Marcsis, as the paper was too "family friendly" to make clear, was most likely masturbating. In the dumpster.

And it gets much, much weirder...

1) Marcsis was only found because he thought it might be a good idea to put the lid on the dumpster so no kids would see him jerking off in there. A police officer noticed that it was weird that the dumpster was closed and, remembering the string of recent burglaries at the school, thought someone might be hiding in there... whoops.

2) For some reason, Marcsis told the police officers he was the (proud?) owner of child porn, so the cops went to his house, which is actually his mother's home, and found the addresses and birth dates of hundreds of schoolgirls who had passed through the school's sports programs. Apparently, Romeo was going to look them all up when they turned 18, right? Oh, and that child porn is totally unrelated to the matter, as his attorney will surely argue...

3) This is the first case in ages where, instead of grandstanding and rushing through a trial that sees the nut sentenced to 100 years in solitary confinement, the court has ordered the accused to undergo a competency evaluation before deciding whether he should stand trial. Many a zealous judge and prosecutor forget that ol' saying from somewhere... "forgive them... for they know not what they do."

Via The Journal Times.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Fox News Child Porn Bust

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

If the grading system had been abandoned at our high schools, we might have gotten into some better universities.

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Who is Hollywood's most bankable star? Will Smith, followed by a host of males: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and-- well-- Brad Pitt's significant other.

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Hillary Clinton is bored, wants you to e-mail her. Send her some Scanner links, see what happens.

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Teacher Shows Girls His Dick... In Class

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 20:43:00 GMT

Unlike Sting, this young teacher was not the subject of schoolgirl fantasy.

Crazy Cat Dude Jason Beaudry, a math teacher at Chicopee Comprehensive High School in Massachusetts, has been arrested after a January incident in which he showed three teenage girls, all of them underage, a picture of his pet.

What's wrong with that? Oh, we get it now... his other pet was in there...

According to the local news in the Holyoke area:

The case started in January when he allegedly invited three teenage girls back to his math class at Chicopee Comprehensive High School. There he showed the girls a picture of his cat on his cell phone, but as they scrolled through the pictures, the content changed.
"The second picture she scrolled through was the defendant, as well as an exposed penis," says Assistant District Attorney James Channing.

Boy Genius went on to ask the girls if they'd come to the "good pictures" yet, thereby eliminating the defense's argument that he never meant for them to see the peen pic. Next thing you know, as his attorney put it, the photo incident "went like wildfire through the school," leading to his arrest and his being placed on administrative leave. Keep collecting those checks, big boy, it's a long waiting list for a fast food job these days...

"The defendant would say, 'Wait until you're 18. If you came back after school I'd be in trouble...'" [CBS 3 - Springfield]

Too late, dumbass.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Stephen Fry twittered about getting stuck in an elevator.

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Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:47:00 GMT

We refused to read "Eat, Pray, Love" but that doesn't mean we won't see the movie. Julia Roberts is set to play the memoirist/author Elizabeth Gilbert. [Reuters]

An arrest warrant has been issued for Joe "Boobies" Francis and he faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted on charges of tax evasion. Which reminds us, we need to get our taxes done so we can afford to keep our meager boobies safe from Francis. [Yahoo!]

Is naked Obama riding a unicorn officially a meme? [Jossip]

We're not really fans of fake retro anything. But Shaun of the Dead is one of our favorite movies, so we're really excited about this 1960's paperback book cover artwork. It's sort of reverse adaptation. [LaughingSquid]

Staten Island's groundhog, Charles G. Hogg (known by locals as Staten Island Chuck) bit Mayor Bloomberg at a press conference today. We bet that's the last time Bloomie gets on a Ferry. [Star Gazette]

Are we the only ones who don't find the MacGruber SNL skits funny? [Vulture]

Unless you're really cool (we're not) you probably didn't know who Sam Ronson was before she started dating Lindsay Lohan. And according to FOXNews's ever-reliable sources, that's exactly why Sam would never leave LiLo. [FOXNews]

Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:19:00 GMT

This story is so disturbing, it has us worried about the next two generations...

A 14-year-old New Zealand girl was arrested earlier this week for driving drunk-- and that's just the beginning of the story. When her breathalyzer tests were released by police, it turned out she had a blood-alcohol level more than six times the legal limit. And there's more:

Acting Sergeant Kevin Crawford told the Northern Advocate the girl, who was four months pregnant, was stopped after her driving caught police attention.

She allegedly gave a false name and had difficulty spelling it.

She was forbidden to drive and taken to Whangarei police station, where she recorded a breath-alcohol level of 828mcg. The legal limit for drivers under 20 is 150mcg and driving licences are not issued to people under 15.

The girl would be referred to Youth Aid, Mr Crawford said. [Stuff.co.nz]

So, to recap: this wasn't some random checkpoint bust or a case of the cops pulling someone over for a broken tailight and then discovering the problem-- she was driving erratically, putting more than just two lives in danger. She tried to get out of it by using a fake name, which she couldn't even spell. And she didn't even have a driver's license to begin with-- who the hell gave her their car keys?!

Frightening.

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Trailer Trash Tramp Takes Two Teens To... Paradise?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:49:00 GMT

Picture this: you live in a trailer in Houma, Lousiana. No, that's too horrible to imagine for most-- how about this instead:

Imagine a woman is living in a trailer in Louisiana. One night, she invites two thirteen-year-old boys and four boys of legal age to her place for a game of cards. After losing what we must assume was a very randy round of strip poke, she asks all six dudes to accompany her to the bedroom, where they took turns having sex with her while the others gawked, giggled, and most likely turned toward each other with "Dude, holy shit, dude!" looks on their faces.

Now, if you're the judge sentencing this woman-- remember, you're in the South-- how much jail time do you slap this woman with?

If you're Judge Timothy Ellender, the answer is NONE. Ellender is one of those rare judges who, instead of trying to win reelection by showing the media how unfairly tough on crime he can be, actually heeded the advice of the victim's family, who asked that Maureen Lirette receive zero jail time. They told the judge that the boys were not upset and, because Lirette has a young daughter, it would be best for everyone if Lirette received probation.

Thanks to state law allowing victims to weigh in on a criminal's punishment, the Judge was able to hear the family's recommendations. He listened, and now Lirette will serve five years of supervised probation and be placed in a registry of sex offenders. Among Judge Ellender's greatest hits, according to WWLTV:

“So this was a gang bang? Are you pleased with yourself? Can’t you get yourself a man?”
“There’s a double standard. Some people think you did a 13-year-old boy a favor. I certainly don’t.”

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. But you need to be embarrassed.”

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Some Rapper No One's Ever Heard Of Arrested For Being An Idiot

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:07:00 GMT

My, this young man is very polite.

"Have you been drinking tonight?" Instead of answering, hiphopper Yung Berg answers, "I'm an artist, sir," which means "yes." He might as well have said, "My name is Yung Berg-- what do you think I've been doing tonight?"

Anyway, what kind of idiot is his manager-- doing that to a cop for no reason?

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How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

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