Scanner : ashlee simpson

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Contrary to what our incessant blogging about couples like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (PENIS!) might lead you to believe, we really don't care too much about celebrity couples. Really! But sometimes when two people seem so perfect for each other our need to match-make in the real world seeps into our blogging life. And now that a certain young lady who loves to show us her boobs is Tweeting about how much she loves a certain young man who would show us his boobs if he had them, we feel we need to do our part to make this romance happen.

Yes, folks, apparently Lily Allen "[thinks she's] in love with john mayer. I watched a DVD of one of his concerts last night, on the bus. His guitar playing is mesmerising. Sexy.”

Say what you will about Lily Allen, but we love her. She's one of the few celebrities we imagine we could get drunk with and get in trouble with and still end up liking her. And though we think she could do better than John Mayer, we just want the girl to be happy. Therefore, we totally endorse this possible union.

[FadedYouth: LILY ALLEN AND JOHN MAYER…?]

Related:

Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Sloppy Seconds: Gisele's "Wake-Up Call"

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:13:00 GMT

R.I.P. New York Times City Section. [Jossip]

A couple in the UK spent 20 years making a model of the town where they first met. Now that's true love, suckers. [Telegraph]

When NASA started an online contest to name the International Space Station's new living quarters, they had no idea Stephen Colbert would start a little campaign to have it named after him. And that he would succeed. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz (and his PENIS!) hopes that his wife Ashlee Simpson will "play the bitch" when she stars on the new Melrose Place. [Us]

Gisele Bündchen says that the arrival of hubby Tom Brady's child with Bridget Moynahan was "a wake-up call." In a good way. [People]

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Are Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (and his PENIS) on the Verge of Falling Out?

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:48:00 GMT

Just yesterday we were bemoaning the fact that we have to pay higher rates for car insurance because we're unmarried. According to the woman who helped us, insurance companies believe that married people are more responsible. We countered that we are, in fact, more responsible for not jumping into marriage in our early twenties and that we should be rewarded for taking the time to get to know ourselves, and what we want out of life, before starting a life with someone who may or may not be right for us. Unlike Ashlee Simpson, we didn't marry the first guy with a huge penis and guy liner who knocked us up. But because she did, she probably pays less for car insurance. But will her rates go up again when she divorces Pete Wentz and his penis? Because it's looking like things are headed that way.

Yesterday, the New York Post claimed the young couple's marriage just isn't working, and today the Chicago Sun-Times reports that friends of Simpson and Wentz think she is unhappy and he is bored.

Says one "friend": ”Ashlee thinks Pete doesn’t pay her enough attention and is out partying too much. He needs to work on their marriage more.”

Another says: ”Ashlee is feeling a bit neglected [by Pete] in recent weeks… Pete does seem kind of bored lately, and he doesn’t talk about Ashlee like he used to. The gushing has stopped.”

Here's hoping the kids work it out. We sort-of like them together.

[Faded Youth: PETE AND ASHLEE: FALL OUT COUPLE]

Related:

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

Which Would The Hipster Rather: Breast Milk Cupcakes vs. Cow Milk Cupcakes?

PapSmeared: Pete Wentz and His Penis and His Boots Know It's a Slow News Week, Too

PapSmeared: Pete Wentz Has His Head Pubes 'Did

PapSmeared: Pete Wentz and His Penis and His Boots Know It's a Slow News Week, Too

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:21:00 GMT

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: America, F*ck Yeah!

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 23:33:00 GMT

~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah checks out all of the Obama paraphernalia, including Scanner's favorite: the Head O State commemorative dildo. And, you know, other stuff. [Salon]

Pete Wentz took his American penis to the Inauguration, left his wife and son at home. [Us]

Kelly Osbourne (NOT an American!) was arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist. [People]

The economy turns you into a "needy, horny, stay-at-home basketcase." Good or bad? [The Daily Beast]

If we prayed, our prayers would be with Ted Kennedy after he collapsed at Barack Obama's luncheon today. [CNN]

SNL's Fred Armisen was seen "candoodling" with Mad Men's ~~Peggy Olson~~ Elizabeth Moss. What a cute American couple. [Vulture]

Former First Daughters Jenna and Barbara Bush wrote an open letter to incoming First Daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, telling them what to expect at the White House, what to seek out and what to avoid. [Jezebel]

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz's Penis' New Starring Role

Emily Farris — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 00:01:00 GMT

If you'd like to put all of your personal records and medical history online you should totally use Google Health. [Google Health]

Just in case you didn't catch it the first few times, we're Twittering now. Reluctantly. [Twitter]

More details on yesterday's US Airways plane crash. [City Room]

Kimora Lee ~~Simmons~~ is making more ~~brats~~ babies. [Faded Youth]

Is Tracy Morgan ever out of character? We think not. [PageSix]

Pete Wentz and his penis, er, we mean his wife, will guest star on CSI:NY. [Us]

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Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

If we were guys who were into girls, we don't think we could come up with anything more dreamy than going on a karaoke date with Drew Barrymore. Lucky Jason Segel. [Us]

Jennifer Aniston's "Marley and Me" outsold her ex Brad Pitt's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" at the box office over the weekend, leaving us able to only mutter "nah nah nah nah boo boo." [FadedYouth]

We're actually sort-of surprised we haven't seen a VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) shirt sooner. [LustyLady]

Speaking of Sarah Palin, Tina Fey has been voted the Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year. [AP]

According to a new study out of the UK women who wear a U.K. size 14 are happier in life than their smaller and larger counterparts. Considering a size 14 in the UK is a size 10 here, that sounds about right. Right? [Jezebel]

Websites may soon be given cinema-style ratings. If it actually happens, you might need to be accompanied by your parent next time you visit Scanner. Meh, who are we kidding? You'll probably need to be 18 to enter. [TimesOnline]

Pete Wentz (and his penis!) continue to keep it classy. He recently tried wife Ashlee Simpson's breast milk and found it to taste "weird" and "sour." [Strollerderby]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: What Pete Wentz Likes Even More Than Taking Pictures of His Penis

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:21:00 GMT

Must politicians from states like Texas and Colorado always be photographed wearing cowboy hats? [NYT]

Celine Cawley who played a party girl in the James Bond film A View to Kill with Roger Moore is dead at 46 after being beaten to death on the patio of her Dublin home Tuesday. [Radar]

New Yorkers, if Governor Paterson wants puts tax on all of the entertainment you download, does this mean you'll soon be paying more for porn? (ProfRobert?) [Vulture]

We should probably be excited instead of creeped out by this facial transplant, right? [People]

In an interview with Howard Stern, Pete Wentz wanted everyone to know that he and his wife, Ashlee Simpson Wentz, "have an amazing sex life." And then he took it there: "It was at the Soho Grand Hotel [in New York City], and I'm looking in the mirrors, [thinking], 'Oh my God, you are [sleeping with] the girl of your dreams, and you can watch yourself!'" he said. [Us]

Caption This: Every Time Pete Wentz Shops an Angel Gets Its Penis

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:27:00 GMT

[Image]

Ashlee Thinks We Don't See Them...

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:46:00 GMT

But we do...

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz and His Penis (and His Wife!) Win the Weird Baby Name Game

Who Would You Rather: Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz

[Image]

Scanner's Man of the Year: Pete Wentz (And His Penis)

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 17:45:00 GMT

Dear Pete Wentz,

Pete, Pete, Pete.

When we were first introduced to you as Ashlee Simpson's maybe baby daddy, we only knew you as that kid in the emo band who wore eyeliner—we had no idea what that band of yours was called or what you played (okay we sill don't know.... bass?). Who knew we'd get to know you so, so, so much better over the course of a few short months. But let's be honest here: had it not been for your penis, we'd hardly know you at all.

It's true, you may be a little dumb. And boring. But you were smart (or stupid?) enough to leak your own cell phone penis pictures, therefore making people who would otherwise never even know your name obsess over your penis.

For 18 weeks running—basically ever since we first made mention of your penis—you (okay, your penis)—has been among our top searched terms here at Scanner. In fact, when one Googles "Pete Wentz Penis" our site is the first to pop up. Hell, when one Google's "Scanner" we don't even appear until pages later. So, really Pete, we owe a lot to your penis.

For that, you are our Man of the Year.

Congratulations.

And we're sorry.

Related:

What Pete Wentz Has to Say About Those Penis Pictures

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz (<---Penis Pictures!)

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz and His Penis (and His Wife!) Win the Weird Baby Name Game

Today in Obvious: Pete Wentz is Dumb, Nice

Scanner Contest: Name The Celebrity Packages

Get Up, Get Out and Do Something

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Today in Obvious: Pete Wentz is Dumb, Nice

Colleen Kane — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:25:00 GMT

He seems like a decent guy and all, but we've seen his tool, and it ain't the sharpest in the shed. Pete was profiled in the latest Details, giving us more evidence to back up that claim.

Pete calls wife Ashlee Simpson's pregnancy "a happy accident," and said he didn't believe she was preggs until she sent him the ultrasound. This is a baby they named Bronx Mowgli, lest we forget.

Peter says the leaking of his peter photos, or "Penisgate," actually brought him closer together with Ashlee. "She just called me up and made me feel a lot better."

This quote is darling, though: "When me and Ashlee are on the red carpet together, I'm like her purse."

He also had this to say about groupies: "It's like if a cow put itself between a pair of buns."

(?)

Godspeed to you, young Bronx Mowgli. Pay attention in school when you're not being mocked mercilessly.

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Photo: Details

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz and His Penis (and His Wife!) Win the Weird Baby Name Game

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:04:00 GMT

It was. Then it wasn't. Now the Arrested Development movie might actually be happening. Maybe. Hopefully. [Vulture]

One thing we do know for sure is that Hillary Clinton will be Secretary of State. If the New York Times says it's true, it must be. Right? [NYT]

Good news or bad news? Doctors go into your head to remove a brain tumor and find a worm. [SNAFU-ed]

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (and his penis!) named their baby Bronx Mowgli. What? The? Fuck? Is that supposed to be punk rock or something? Also, this begs the question: what do they call his penis? [Yahoo!]

What Pete Wentz Has to Say About Those Penis Pictures

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Pete Wentz recently opened up to Elle magazine about those penis photos that were so famously leaked on the Interwebs last year. What's his only regret?

He wishes he would have done a little more manscaping.

Elle: Like millions of others, I’ve seen these photos. But if a picture of your penis is going to get leaked online, you could do much worse than yours.

Pete: Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. But at the time, I wanted to find a cave and hang out there for the rest of my life and be a cave painter and eat dirt.

Elle: I don’t want you to think I lingered on the photo, but I did notice that you looked groomed down there.

Pete: The manscaping? Honestly, I felt slightly overgrown in those pictures. If I had taken them for public consumption, I would have done it differently - groomed a little closer, better lighting.

Oh, Pete. The public consumed them just fine. Juuuuuuust fine.

Related:

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 22:19:00 GMT

After male superhero movie after male superhero movie after male superhero movie, Wonder Woman is finally going to the big screen—except not. It's going straight to DVD. And it's animated. [Jezebel]

Britney Spears equates her life to a jail sentence. [People]

Is Nicole Kidman going to be the next star to quit the biz? Yawn. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Wentz are still waiting for that baby to pop out. [MTV]

Courtney Love would like you to know she's not suicidal after a crazy death rant on her MySpace blog. [Us]

The World Has Joe Biden to Thank for Pete Wentz's Penis

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:42:00 GMT

Tuesday night was a very special night for us all. But the fact that Joe Biden is the vice-president elect is extra special for Pete Wentz and his giant penis.

Wentz's parents met working on a Biden campaign way back when.

"I would not be standing here actually in reality at all because my parents met working for Biden," he said. "They met on (a long-ago) campaign, so they have this particular affection for Joe. He came to their wedding. If it weren't for Joe Biden, I would not exist as a human being."

Related:

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Puts His Money Where His Penis is Not

NFL Player Accidentally Posts Photo Of His Penis On His Blog

Help! The Giant Penis Man Needs You!

While You Were Sleeping: Pete Wentz Exposes... His Past

Penis Eating Fish Plague Australian Harbor

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Nick Nolte's house has $3 million worth of damage after a fire ripped through his estate on Tuesday. Guess it can suck to be wealthy. [Us]

Ashlee Simpson dressed up like her big sister Jessica when celebrating her 24th birthday. "Ashlee wore Daisy Dukes and platform flip-flops with a bathing suit and a fake tattoo around her belly." [People]

Female Australian sumo wrestlers? Yes! [Daily Mail]

Former Us editor Bonnie Fuller is just like us, she has quite a bit to say about the election, too. [Jossip]

Tina Fey has signed a supposedly $6 million book deal with Little, Brown for a humor-based memoir. [INF]

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Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:42:00 GMT

Now both Simpson superstar sisters have had live TV flubs...

Jessica's is both far worse and far less embarrassing. Less embarrassing because it wasn't her fault-- as Scanner Emily told you the other day, Jessica started a song during a live GMA, but couldn't hear anything in her monitor and started over again almost without missing a beat. She's a very self-assured live performer in general, so no surprise on that end.

But speaking of ends... it was something else that caught our attention that may be the most ridiculous thing a Simpson sister has done on TV...

...wearing a skirt and no panties on live television. (For the record, there's nothing wrong with going commando. But for a live TV taping? Outdoors?! On a windy New York morning?!)

You can't really see it in the live broadcast, but check out this picture from the show:

We're not really going to comment on the above photo. We'll let the photo of Simpson realizing what's just happened do the talking:

Via Ninja Dude.

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

Who Would You Rather: Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz

Sloppy Seconds: Is Sarah Jessica Parker the Unsexiest Woman In Hollywood?

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Ready to Go Nude To Save Nonexistent Movie Career?

Crush of the Week: Pete Wentz

Emily Farris — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:19:00 GMT

We know, we know.

A few short months ago we didn't even know what band Pete Wentz played in — we just thought he was that guy with the eyeliner who knocked up Ashlee Simpson. But what if we told you he makes out with boys and has a huge penis?

Wentz recently talked to Out magazine about what the media perceives as his sexual ambiguity and how he doesn't really give a fuck what you think. Which is hot, right?

He doesn’t seem to think he has much to prove to Out, and I ask a lot of follow-up questions. Wentz answers them all, even when he’s not sure I’ll like the answers. “When I said that I make out with dudes, there was a slight sense of sexual rebellion in that,” he admits. “And I probably even made it a bigger deal than it was.” He thinks the first time he kissed a guy was when he was 16 or 17, probably on a dare at a party: “Like, ‘You make out with this dude and we’ll make out.’ ” And of later experiments, at 18 or 19, he says it was more like, “I’m going to try this thing.” And most recently? He actually apologizes before responding. “A long time ago,” he says with a slight wince. “Probably when I was 22?”...

He has no qualms talking about his attraction to men (including a big, stupid crush on John Mayer), which still puts him on a very short list of famous young male musicians and actors who haven’t been convinced that confession is in and of itself a career killer. But as he said in The Advocate in 2007, the stopping point truly does come when the action strays below the belt. “It’s really about the equipment,” he tells me, gesturing at his crotch with a grimace. (Decide for yourself: The first unfiltered hit for an image search on Wentz’s name still yields the shots he took of his equipment in hand, which leaked from his Sidekick in 2006.) “I really don’t think it’s an attractive quality. That’s what it comes down to. I don’t even like my own. Like, I really don’t like it. I don’t like anything about it.”...

“Our culture bombards us with this idea that you’re not that, and if you are that, there’s something wrong with you, and then we’re going to call you that, and then it’s an insult,” he says. “There is a sense of self-empowerment or recapturing who you are by people calling you ‘fag,’ and being like, ‘Yeah, I am a fag.’ Even though you’re not. What does somebody respond? That dude has nothing to say about that again.” He stops, and this time he is at least a little worried for his own rep. “Am I going to catch flak for saying ‘fag’ in a magazine?” (Only when we put it on the cover, Pete.)

Oh, right and the huge penis thing.

Unfortunately, the said penis pictures have disappeared from their original home. But we swear they were here about a month ago. Good thing we grabbed them when we did.

And for that (we'll let you guess which "that" we're talking about), Pete Wentz is our Crush of the Week.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Biel Trying to Steal Our Job?

Ashlee Simpson Sure is Knocked Up

[Image, Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Really Splitting Up?

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:57:00 GMT

It's official: Bill Murray is divorced. [Yahoo!]

But what if you want your kid to be gay? [Salon]

Jake Gyllenhaal moved into Reese Witherspoon's L.A. home. He could have moved into ours but he probably didn't want to deal with the bugs. [Us]

Wow, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are doing things all out of order. Aren't you supposed to get married, then get a puppy, the if you don't kill that, make a baby? [People]

This casting for the Grand Theft Auto IV movie is pretty much right on. [MollyGood]

Page Six's Richard Johnson has been slapped with a $10M lawsuit over claims he made about an alleged sex tape. [Jossip]

No, no, no! Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner say rumors that they're splitting are absolutely that: rumors. [GabbyBabble]

Who Would You Rather: Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:59:00 GMT

We know you're a little tired of hearing about Ashlee Simpson Wentz and her baby and her baby daddy. But you know who is probably more tired of it? Poor Jessica Simpson. But maybe, just maybe, if you'd rather do Jess, she'll feel a little better about being pushed out of the spotlight by her little sister. So, which Simpson would you rather? Jessica or Ashlee?

Ashlee and Pete Finally Come Clean on Pregnancy Rumors

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:13:00 GMT

So... is she or isn't she?

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child," they wrote on Wentz's site, friendsorenemies.com. "This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."

Congrats, kids. How much liquor and tuna fish did you have to give Jess when you broke the news to her?

More on Ashlee Wentz this afternoon... Stay tuned.

[Us: Ashlee and Pete Wentz confirm pregnancy]

Is Ashlee Simpson a Pregnant Nazi? Or Just a Really Bad Dancer?

Emily Farris — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:55:00 GMT

Seriously, are they not teaching kids about WWII anymore? What do you think she's doing in the video?

Also, we've heard this song a few times now and we still don't really get it..

"The side of your bed is still mine." Huh? Does she mean, "I peed on my side of your bed to mark my territory?" Because we can get behind that, if that's what she means.

[MollyGood: What the Heil?]

While You Were Sleeping: We Were Reminded What Ashlee Simpson is Supposed to Be Famous For (And It's Not Being Knocked-Up)

Emily Farris — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Lindsay Lohan pretty much told Daddy Lohan to shut the fuck up. [Molly Good]

If Scientology manages to cancel your YouTube account, you just create a new one. Duh. [Jossip]

We were kind-of "enh" when Madonna kissed Britney Spears on stage. Now we're throwing up in our mouths a little at the idea that she posted a video response to Miley Cyrus' YouTube channel. [MTV]

It's early, we have't had our coffee yet, and we just can't decide what's more pointless: the self-stirring coffee mug or the triple stack coffee mug. At least one would be good for handing off a vessel full of hot liquid... [Gizmodo and the Presurfer]

If Jessica Rabbit were alive today, she'd be smokin'. [Neatorama]

You should know that bloggers don't really like it when you correct our grammar and typos in the comments section, or via email for that matter. [Best Week Ever]

We were reminded that Ashlee Simpson is supposed to be famous for being a "singer." Her recent appearance on Today was the first time we've ever heard her sing. Unfortunately, for her, and for me for us for the last four minutes, she just sounds like a 55-year-old who has smoked a pack a day for 40 years. We wonder if her back-up singers hate her for that while they're probably actually really talented. [FameCrawler] [Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Bruce Springsteen Endorsed Somebody, And it Wasn't McCain

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:49:00 GMT

Apparently Beyonce is planning to retire. Yeah, like Jay- Z retired all those times? We don't buy it. [GabbyBabble]

Don't want to be all hunch-backed when you get old? Stand up straight. Or try this crazy ergonomic undershirt. [Gizmodo]

If Ashlee Simpson has a baby bump, this is the first ever picture of it. Like, first. Ever. That or she just had a burger and fries, which we can totally get behind. [FameCrawler]

Now that you mention it, yeah, why are most bodyguards black? [StereoHyped]

We knew it: Rachael Ray is a Repubican. [Radar]

Bruce Springsteen, however, is not. He endorsed Obama. We're pleased, but not really surprised. [Yahoo!]

While You Were Sleeping: Is Rob Lowe A Dirty, Old Flasher?

Emily Farris — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:42:00 GMT

Laura Bush readied herself for her Today Show guest hosting gig. [NPR]

Ashlee Simpson would like you to know that her womb is none of your business. Which we think totally means she's pregnant. Or she had an abortion. Or not. [MTV]

Cameron Diaz's 58-year-old father Emilio died unexpectedly of pneumonia. [US Weekly]

Bearapalooza: road trips, big hairy men and country music. Sign us up! [Bearapalooza]

Hey remember Debbie Gibson? Yeah, so does her stalker. [TMZ]

Supermodel/ scary person Naomi Campbell tried to give blood to help fight a dengue fever epidemic in Brazil, but officials turned it down, for now. [Yahoo!]

The last of Walt Disney's original team of animators, known as the "Nine Old Men," died. [Yahoo!]

Rob Lowe's nanny is accusing him of exposing himself to her, repeatedly. If Rob Lowe showed us his penis, we probably wouldn't sue him for it, we'd probably just laugh. Maybe that's why the nanny looks like she's going to bust out laughing during her entire interview with Meredith Viera. Luckily Meredith asks the tough questions. [MSNBC]

Sloppy Seconds: Fake Sex Ruined The Real Thing for Robert Downey, Jr. and Heather Graham

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 22:31:00 GMT

One week you're in and the next week you're out. We hope Elle said that to fashion director (and Project Runway judge) Nina Garcia when they fired her. [US Weekly]

Oh, now Ashlee Simpson's baby daddy Pete Wentz is all "I didn't knock her up." Abortion? Miscarriage? Never happened? [MTV]

Cowboys on ice! The frozen kind. We're so strangely turned on. [Netorama]

The Indonesian Tree Man (the guy who looks like a tree, for real) would like to get married now that doctors have removed four pounds of "bark" from his body. [Truemors]

More crazy Scientology videos! Crazy, if you think Scientology is fake, that is. "Let me meet a motherfucking Clear!" Huh? [MollyGood]

Fake it 'till you make it doesn't really work in sex, as far as Robert Downy Jr. is concerned. At least that's why he claims a relationship with his Two Girls and a Guy (1998) co-star Heather Graham never materialized: too much fake sex made the real thing impossible. [Star Pulse]

Ashlee Simpson Sure is Knocked Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 19:24:00 GMT

Is our little sister the only little sister that's not knocked up?

FameCrawler has confirmed (via US Weekly) that Ashlee Simpson has, indeed, been knocked up by her boyfriend turned fiance (we wonder why), Pete Wentz.

Ashlee Simpson is expecting her first child with fiance Pete Wentz. Simpson, 23, and Wentz, 28, just announced their engagement on Wednesday. There goes the "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby..." song I was going to sing at their wedding.

All exciting, indeed, but much more pressing: we didn't even know what band Wentz was in until FameCrawler went and ruined it for us. We were happy to know him only as "Ashlee Simpson's rocker ~~boyfriend~~ ~~fiance~~ baby daddy.

[FameCrawler: CONFIRMED: Ashlee Simpson is Pregnant]

Sloppy Seconds: "I Need Sex"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:00:00 GMT

A Baltimore teacher was attacked by her student as a classroom full of "Lean On Me" extra wannabes cheered the student on, while another student filmed the assualt on a cell phone. Apparently, the teacher missed Season 4 of "The Wire," with its explicit lesson: "Never move to Baltimore." (See the YouTube video here.)

Hugh Hefner's "The Girls Next Door" makes us believe in Heaven. Check out this totally awesome gif.

A wacky attention-starved Swedish professor thinks wearing a bra can cause saggy boobs. Wait-- he's advocating going braless? Oh, then he's a genius, no question.

Apparently people will get naked for no reason at all these days: somebody in Vienna is going to fill a football field full of 2,008 naked people. Really, you can get away with anything if you mumble long enough about "art" and "having a girlfriend, so I'm not going to look."

And woman on Facebook claims her group "I need sex" got her laid by 50 men. Only fifty men? With a name like that, you'd have to be uglier than Ashlee Simpson (the newly engaged Ashlee Simpson, by the way) not to get double that.

Thanks Tiffany and Paddy for the links!

While You Were Sleeping: Katie Couric Decided to Leave CBS Early

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 13:13:00 GMT

Single women spent another night destroying Earth. [Jezebel]

Just yesterday we found Emily Farris on Facebook. Her birthday is one day (and two years) after ours. We exchanged a few emails (her parents sometimes accidentally send us emails, and her mom and our stepmom are both Patricia Farris so it's all very confusing) and decided to meet for drinks when she's in New York. Then we had an idea to write a story about it. Then we learned this morning that the New York Times stole our idea. [New York Times].

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn called off their divorce. [Extra]

A man in Belgrade has decided that extra terrestrials are targeting him after five meteors hit his home since November. We pretty much want to get high with him in his living room and wait for the aliens to come. [BoingBoing]

That damn Olympic torch made it through San Francisco mostly unscathed. [NY Post]

We found our next boyfriend. [Netorama]

Did little Ashlee Simpson go and get knocked up by and engaged to Pete Wentz? See girls, life really will be better if you get a nose job and use spray-on tan. [US Weekly]

Mumps, that gross virus that can cause testicular inflammation in some cases, is on its way to get you. [Reuters]

Perky, pretty Katie Couric will most likely leave the CBS Evening News, and quite possibly CBS all together, around the first of the year, though her $15M-a-year contract does not expire until 2011. [Mixed Media]