Scanner : ass

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:15:00 GMT

We're barely even at the "attempting to wakeup" stage on this Monday morning, but luckily, Lily Allen has made another public faux pas that is quickly waking us up.

At this rate, we might even be able to operate heavy machinery or, even better, a margarita blender by noon...

Lily Allen, who has been telling the press about her "lesbian fantasies," took a swipe at G-A-Y fundraiser no-show Britney Spears by dressing up as Spears for an encore of "Womanizer" at the event over the weekend. The pop star, who as of today has a #1 single on the UK charts, dressed up in a sluttastic outfit that had the paparazzi like the attack dogs they most certainly are. A few of them tried to stick their cameras under her dress as she exited her car to sing at the event in Great Britain.

Fortunately for us, the Sun, the Daily Mail, and virtually ever other English publication caught the moment when she decided to sort of "moon" the crowd. We bring you only the highest quality source-- because you deserve it:

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Top 5 Salma Hayek Sex Scenes

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The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

The Vivienne Boys Show a Little Bum

Colleen Kane — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:32:00 GMT

So, Milan fashion week is going on and while we normally don't give a rat's ass about fashion week, in the case of the following farm boy ass, courtesy of the ever-fabulous Vivienne Westwood's show, we take notice.

This model may be wearing assless overalls, with kneepads--useful for only a few situations, really--but he wears them well.

Images via OhLaLaMag.com.

Sloppy Seconds: Fake Sex Ruined The Real Thing for Robert Downey, Jr. and Heather Graham

Blonde-Redhead Muslim Woman Sues Bar Over (Conservative) Red Dress

Before Aunt Flow Knew Where to Go: A History of Menstrual Products

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:13:00 GMT

I got my period at age eleven. I wanted it to come earlier, mistakenly thinking my boobs would come along with it. A few cramps and no boobs later, I rued the day our school ever showed us that stupid development movie and handed out little pink "starter kits," packed with panty liners, maxi pads, deodorant and the dreaded tampon. I didn't quite understand how that was going to go up there comfortably; like my butt, it was exit only (hey, I was eleven!). A few more messy maxi-pad periods later, however, I was ready to give it a try one morning. I was so tense I missed school that day but by about 1:30 I had successfully inserted—well, almost successfully, it took a few more periods for me to figure out I wasn't really supposed to feel it while it was up there—a tampon, what I figure is the best way we have, so far, to deal with Aunt Flow. I'm still waiting on those boobs, but in the mean time, let's take a little walk down Memory Lane with the history of menstrual products.

GURL.com takes us on a tour of the history of menstrual products.

We're all familiar with "the rag."

By the time American cities were bustling in the 1700s, menstruating women were wearing simple cloth rags similar to their babies' diapers. They would wash and reuse these rag pads, which were often embroidered and personalized. Ever heard the colloquialism "She's on the rag"? Well, she literally was.

But what the hell is "menstrual slapping?"

During the 19th century, a custom in many Jewish, Slavic, and Lithuanian families was The Menstrual Slap. A girl's first period (officially called the "menarche") was marked by an immediate slap to her face by her mother.

The slap was meant to usher the girl into womanhood, and possibly to "slap some sense" into this newly fertile girl so she wouldn't become pregnant before she was married. So basically, the menstrual slap was the original form of abstinence-only sex education.

Still seems better than the "menstrual cup," the toilet plunger of periods:

In 1867, a patent was granted for a small reusable rubber cup to collect menstrual blood when inserted in the vagina. The invention didn't receive much attention until 1937, when author Leona Chalmers received a patent for a similar device and introduced it commercially. In the late 1950s, Chalmers joined Robert P. Oreck to develop and market the Tassette (little cup in French/English). Ad campaigns for the Tassette ranged from the incomplete and inexplicable, "Tassette - Not a Tampon, Not a Napkin" (Uh, so what is it?) to the absurd. "New - Monthly Protection as Dainty as a Dew-Kissed Flower."

Unfortunately, the Tassette cup never made a profit and went off the market in 1967 due in part to the fact that women could reuse the same cup for five years at time and because some customers didn't like repeated washing of the product.

All these and more (moon huts?) at GURL.com's History of Menstrual Products.

Related:

How Long Were You a "Technical Virgin?"

Diana Hearts Prince Philip, Has Regular Menstrual Cycle

McLovin' Isn't All That Into Getting Freaky With You

[Image]

Kate Winslet Takes it Off for Vanity Fair

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:33:00 GMT

We're still traveling but we can't wait to get home to our copy of "Vanity Fair." The lovely Kate Winslet is the cover subject, and though we think she's looking a little too thin for Kate Winslet (airbrushing?), she looks amazing. But, of course, Kate always looks beautiful—even if she's just out and about in a t-shirt and jeans. But, yeah, the naked pin-up look is good for her, too.

However, does anyone else think she looks a more like Angelina Jolie than Catherine Deneuve in the cover shot?

Related:

Top 5 Kate Winslet Sex Scenes

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food

[Vanity Fair via Faded Youth]

Scanner Gadgets: What The Hell?

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 16:54:00 GMT

Whatever could this little device be used for?

Guess before you jump!

It's "Shower Power," bringing you "suction power for bathroom banging."

Fucking genius!

[PopGive: Shower Power Gives You Extra Traction]

(Thanks, Bill!)

Jessica Simpson Recovers Quite Nicely from Her Honky Tonk Ass Flash

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Jessica Simpson didn't start the week off so well, but she sure did finish nicely.

If you recall, she gave a terrible live performance on Good Morning America while wearing some really bad clothes that didn't quite do the trick of keeping her bits covered.

Luckily, she hit the streets later in the week looking fabulous, and there's a brand new ass shot (albeit covered) after the jump. And the old one, just for shits and giggles.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Ready to Go Nude To Save Nonexistent Movie Career?

Does Jessica Simpson's BF Tony Romo Have Performance Anxiety?

[Images]

The Incredible, Edible Anus is Way Too Popular for Its Own Good

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 21:02:00 GMT

Is this the opposite of food porn?

We're assuming that the online shop for Bisus Chocolates is closed due to demand being greater than supply, because who wouldn't want to eat chocolates in the shape of an asshole?

These chocolates are created with one thing on our mind: to produce a combination of taste and touch that takes you to chocolate anus heaven.

Yum! But for those rather preserve their assholes, may we present the limited-edition silver-plated asshole?

55 grams of hallmarked silver, cradled in a magnificent presentation box and exquisitely crafted into that most sensuous of body parts: a unique, elegant and thought-provoking gift. Edition of 100 (edition # engraved)

People come and people go. Our solid silver anus is immune from the daily wear and tear that similar products experience. A quality product immortalised in silver…for the man who has everything.

Don't believe us? Go to edibleanus.com and find out for yourself.

[Edible Anus via YBNBY]

Would Hulk Hogan Please Step Away From the Ass

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:53:00 GMT

Not right and not good. Who's ass is the Hulk lotioning in this photo?

That's right, his daughter's. First Billy Ray lurks over Miley while she's wrapped in her Annie Leibovitz sheet, and now Hulk Hogan cares a little too much about sun protection.

Shudder. We'd rather have third degree burns.

Thanks to D-Listed for sharing the horror.

Video of the Day: Doctors in The Philippines Remove a Can From a Man's Ass, Get a Good Laugh

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:11:00 GMT

Doctors in the Philippines recently removed what appeared to be a can of Axe Body Spray from a man's ass after a "drinking spree" and "one night stand." Apparently he was too drunk to remember the details of how the can made its way up his ass, and needed some serious assistance getting it out. However, the doctors may have had a little too much fun removing the can (as we see in the video), and the ass man is pissed.

The nearly 3-minute video of a noisy operating room shows doctors and nurses laughing, giggling and cheering. At one point, a hand appears with a cell phone camera taking a close-up picture of the surgery. As a doctor gingerly pulls out the 6-inch long canister from the male patient's rectum, someone shouts, "Baby out!" amid loud cheers. The doctor then removes the canister cap and sprays the contents toward the crowd of nurses and doctors viewing the procedure.

The video has angered the unidentified patient who plans to press charges, his lawyer Guiller Ceniza said Wednesday.

The government-run Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center in the central city of Cebu, where the surgery took place, is conducting an investigation, a spokesman said Wednesday.

Dr. Emmanuel Gines said more than 10 people were involved — including staff and medical and nursing students from a nearby operating room.

He said the hospital takes videos of surgeries of peculiar cases, but only with the consent of the patient.

Dr. Jose Sabili, president of the Philippine Medical Association, told on Wednesday the group will conduct an investigation if a formal complaint is filed and doctors found violating medical ethics could be suspended or expelled from the association, which would result in the suspension or termination of their state health insurance accreditation.

The results of the investigation could also be used by the Professional Regulations Commission to suspend or revoke their licenses, Sabili said.

"I believe what they did was very blatant," he said.

We'd probably be a little upset, too. Hell, who are we kidding? We'd post it on our blog and send it to everyone we know.

[LiveLeak: Philippine surgeons cheer after removing a 6 inch body spray canister from drunk patient's rectum]

Colonic Irrigation: Everybody's Doing It

Emily Farris — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:31:00 GMT

Yesterday Jezebel, that girl we keep trying to befriend on the playground, posted a video of editor Tracie "Slut Machine" Egan, object of Scanner Brian's affection, getting a colonic. While entertaining, it really just made us nostalgic for the time we had a tube up our ass in the name of journalistic integrity. Unfortunately, the story caused our father to refuse to read anything we've written since; probably that whole "my ass had finally lost its virginity" line.

Anyway, Scanner Emily's colonic irrigation story, including all the juicy details, after the jump. But as Perez Hilton would say, don't click if you're easily offended (by poop stories or by our formerly poor writing skills).

A Trip to the Gym for Your Colon: Emily Farris Investigates
Published in 10003 Magazine, Volume 1 No. 1
April/May 2004

The newest trend in total well-being isn’t a religion or a diet; it’s a tube up the ass. But while the craze may be new among celebrities and socialites, the practice dates back to 1500 B.C. Colonics is the trendy moniker for a procedure better known as colon hydrotherapy or colonic irrigation. The earliest recorded colon irrigations were used to flush disease and fever from the body; they have evolved into an expensive form of ass maintenance. “Like a trip to the gym for your colon,” colon therapist Cher Carden said.

Apparently, what goes in doesn’t always come out. According to Cher, over time mucus, toxins and parasites form a wall of impacted debris in the colon that can cause a build up of toxicity. This build up can slow down what should be smooth, speedy shits. Advocates claim colonics can relieve the symptoms of a toxic bowel, including bad breath, abdominal weight gain, fatigue, headaches, backaches and allergies.

A colonic is an enema times ten. An enema usually involves a small amount of water or coffee flushed into the rectum to relieve constipation or speed the pooping process for people who need to clear the area for something else. A colonic can involve up to 20 gallons of water, the entire length of a large intestine, an abdominal massage and a hefty price tag. Colonics are used to remove fecal matter from the colon, in other words, loosen and flush stagnant poop from the large intestine.

Many in the medical profession advise against colonics, warning deadly side effects. In a December 2000 article (www.ncahf.org/articles/c-d/colonic.html) released by the National Council Against Health Fraud, William T. Jarvis PhD wrote, “The hazards include illness and death by contamination of colonics equipment and death by electrolyte depletion. In addition to the physiological upsets, colonic apparatus can also perforate the intestinal wall leading to septicemia (bacterial contamination of the blood), a very serious disorder.”

In the name of journalistic integrity, armed with approval from my chiropractor and the knowledge that many doctors are against all forms of alternative medicine, I decided to make an appointment with Cher at La Casa Day Spa. It was an experience I shall not soon forget.

When I stepped into the spa, just north of Union Square, I felt like I was in a grandmother’s condo in Florida. The air was warm and moist. The walls were salmon-colored. Plastic flowers surrounded wicker furniture. I figured the conspicuous lazy boy was for post-colonic recovery.

After filling out some quick paperwork, I changed into a hospital gown (open in the back, of course) and was led into the colonics studio. I was a little freaked out by the machine in the corner. It looked like a plastic grandfather clock. Cher assured me it was just a closet to house the tubes and drain. No motors, I promise. Once I relaxed enough to let her insert the speculum, I felt slightly violated—not by Cher, but by the fact that something was entering what was once an exit only (save the pink suppositories my mom used to store in the fridge and torture me with when I was a kid). My ass had officially lost its virginity. And what followed was no quickie.

I couldn’t quite tell what was going in or out until she started to adjust the water temperature and I felt something I can only describe as minty fresh. “Is that the cold?” I asked Cher. As she nodded, the warm water began to fill my large intestine. I felt like I was about to have explosive diarrhea all over her table—the kind of diarrhea you have run to the bathroom on the third floor of the house for, because you cant be anywhere near another human being. I wanted so badly to rip that tube from my ass and make a mad dash for the familiar comfort of a toilet, but there I was on a table in a salon, in a hospital gown with a big plastic tube in my butt, having my stomach massaged (to expedite the mass exodus).

After what Cher called a “large release” (of what, exactly, Im not sure) I felt much better—like I had taken that shit I had to run to the third floor for. This cycle was repeated a few times, and though each release felt damn good, it was never as good as the first time.

The speculum came out much smoother than it went in, and after she wiped the lubricant from my cheeks, I finally headed for the toilet. Nothing much came out, just some leftover water and what looked like carrot and lettuce bits—from my salad the night before, I’m sure.

I didn’t need the lazy boy, after all. There was no post-colonic pain or discomfort. However, I was really disappointed I couldn’t see what came out of me when it was all over. For the sake of fresh air everything goes through the tube and straight down a drain. But I would have gladly traded the smell for just one look.

She did tell me what she saw: some vegetables, coffee, and a few big chunks. She could also tell Id had alcohol that week. Overall, though, my colon was pretty clean. Cher recommended I cut back on my coffee intake (which lasted for about a day after the treatment) and chew my food better.

That night, I pooed a small amount of some yellowish goo. I didn’t shit again for another 24 hours. I’ve had less gas since the treatment and I’ve noticed the diameter of my poop has increased a bit. Maybe it doesn’t get compressed because “the wall of toxic debris” is gone. Maybe my poo is finally free to be the poo it was meant to be.

La Casa recommends a series of up to eight treatments to fully cleanse the colon, and then seasonal colonics to keep the pipes clear. “Like a spring cleaning for your colon,” Cher said. Colonics are also recommended before a colonoscopy (probably for the sake of the doctor that has to put the camera up there) and after a long fast. A one-hour colonic at La Casa is $75, and they offer discounts for pre-paid treatments.

Put a pig in a dress, and its still a pig. Put a tube up your ass and give it a fancy name, its still a tube up your ass. I don’t think Id ever go for another colonic irrigation, at least not on my own penny, but I would recommend it if for nothing else, the experience.

La Casa Day Spa
41 E. 20th Street
(bet. Park Avenue So. & Bway), 2nd Floor
New York, NY 10003
212-673-2272
www.lacasaspa.com

[Image of a colonscope via]

Hot or Not: Heidi Klum Topless in Esquire

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 17:41:00 GMT

Okay, there really isn't much question on this one, is there? We were kind of kidding about the "hot or not" part just to make you click.

In our latest installment of hot topless women on the covers of American magazines, we have Heidi Klum in Esquire. Unfortunately, we are sick to death of all reality shows and, in particular, reality show hosts. Especially ones that are married to Seal, whom we dislike for that song of his we hear every time we're in C-Town with a hangover.

In any case, fans must wonder why these photos are going up online now-- perhaps to celebrate Project Runway's move to-- gulp-- the Lifetime Television Network? Well, if this is the new look of Lifetime, we may finally stop for more than four seconds when we get to it...

The rest of the photos by Rankin are archived here in a blog post from over the weekend.

These were mainly unavailable online until then, so so what if the original Esquire feature is two years old? You want us to take these down? We thought not.

And don't forget to vote in our Who Would You Rather? poll, featuring two other reality show stars...

Get Your Ashley Alexandra Dupre Drink On

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 19:26:00 GMT

As Eliot Spitzer's career has gone to shit, another person's is about to take off, and no, we're not talking about Spitzer's replacement, new New York Governor David Paterson. Like everyone else in the world, including us, Georgi Vodka wants to capitalize on the myth, the woman, the legend that is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. We want her to write a book and Georgi wants put a blown-up shot of her ass on the back of every bus in New York City.

Martin Silver, chief executive of Star Industries — owners of the U.S. rights to the brand, said he is in talks to pay Dupre more than $100,000 to be this year's Georgi "butt girl," the annual pinup the brand places on city buses and taxicabs.

"The girl's butt we have on there now is pretty good, but if you can get (Dupre) to do it, and to make some personal appearances, it's like Paris Hilton or something," Silver told AdAge.com. "We are trying to work out a contract."

Additionally, they want to name the vodka "No. 9" —which, in case you live in a cave, was the code name the FBI used for Spitzer while they investigated the prostitution ring.

MNBC's idea for a new cocktail?

"The Spitzer Screwdriver: "No. 9" vodka and orange juice with a shot of schadenfreude. On the rocks ... just like his marriage."

They beat us to the punch line...

[MSNBC: From governor's paramour to vodka's 'butt girl]

(Thanks, Marco!)

Sloppy Seconds: Are You Calling Carla Bruni a 'Sexual Predator?'

Emily Farris — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Are French women, including first lady Carla Bruni, "sexual predators?" We think not. Maybe it's time for new wording?

While "2 Girls, 1 Bucket" would have been even more clever, the Two Girls and a Bucket cleaning service is still pretty fucking clever. Unless it existed before "2 Girls 1, Cup," in which case, it's still pretty funny.

Is Lil' Wanye being arrested or done up the butt in this condom ad? Either way, it makes us a little uncomfortable.

Hey, look! It's Kate Hudson's ass.

Remember the 90's? When bisexuality was rad?

Assquatch Art Makes Us Proud to Be Alive

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 20:26:00 GMT

We're not going to get cute with this one. We're not going to trick you, or tease you, or make any shitty puns. We're just going to come out with it.

These are alien heads sculpted from deer ass.

Right. You'll need a minute to let that sink in. It's OK, really. If you're anything like us, a lot has probably changed for you as you realize that someone, somewhere has immortalized the noble American pastimes of deer hunting and alien sighting together, in art. It's a deep and deeply beautiful thing, and we know better than to sully the moment with any of our cheap sass.

A well-respected deer butt artist fills us in on the tricks of the trade after the jump:

Many people say that the real red neck art is the shaping of the deer anus to look like a mouth.

This is the true test of the artists loving hand.

The anus can be made very simple, or you can stretch the anus for realistic effects such as smiles and frowns.

In general, the leading deer butt artists concentrate on the details of the mouth.