Scanner : assassination

While You Were Sleeping: The Spitzer Scandal Never Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Remember that red-state porn craze we told you about? Apparently, Utah pays for it more than any other state.

Typical: 16 people were arrested following violence at a concert held to promote non-violence.

Hayden Panetierre may be headed toward a nervous breakdown. Yeesh.

We don't get it. Why would the police want Craigslist to boot almost all of its erotic service ads? Isn't this just going to make it harder for them to catch illegal sex activities? Not that we're complaining... legalize everything!

Amy Winehouse's visa was denied, which means she can't perform at Coachella. Is this visa-denial shit still happening for harmless kooks thirty years after Hoover hounded John Lennon?

This Albanian sex scandal would've been worth a post if it hadn't been, you know, Albanian.

Does Eliot Spitzer have to choke a hooker? Apparently, yes... at least, according to the woman in this story, which also features a teasing P.S. about another Governor, not from New York, who was a client of the same madam.

Good Lord, is this weird: NAMBLA (the North American Man-Boy Love Association-- you know, the pervs) tried to put a hit on New York State Attorney General, possibly the next Governor, for a mere $10,000.

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape Blackmail

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 15:31:00 GMT

We're trying to decide who's funnier: the guy above or the moran in this story...

The village idiot in Fort Walton Beach, Florida has spoken: he would like us to "get rid of" Obama, and will sit on his porch with his misspelled signs, waving the confederate flag until the Black Man is out of the White House.

We report on local Republican Larry Ford, who is causing guffaws all around the world with his special brand of populism... and this sign has gotta be seen to be believed...

Larry posted two copies of this sign in his front yard. And no, we're not going to make fun of a typo... just because it's a typo...

As for the misspelling, Larry says: "I think everybody knows who I'm talking about, don't you? American people are the stupidest people in the world, but something like that I think they can figure out."

Amen, brother, amen.

The local Democrats are taking it in stride: "(Obama) won, get used to it.... He won fair and square, unlike the election in 2000, when Bush didn't win fair and square. And we put up with him for many, many years."

The New Republic ends their story with this:

Ford said he will leave the signs up "until we get rid" of Obama.

Via TNR.

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Weddings in California Prisons

And We Thought Throwing Up in a Cab Was Bad

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

While You Were Sleeping: Full House Coming Back to TV?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The dumbest (tabloid) question of the day: "Does a woman's short haircut mean she isn't interested in sex?"

Hitler was "the perfect boss," according to his maid. We'll, uh, refrain from wishing he was still of this world, thank you very much.

Keanu Reeves' agent must have a mortgage to pay off or something if he's actually considering this...

Movie executives at 20th Century Fox are reaching out to Keanu Reeves to reprise his Jack Traven character for a third Speed film, according to Internet reports.

That shy-weird-studly actor from Twilight is starring in a new movie with Matthew McNulty about the possibly nonfictional love affair between Salvador Dali and Federico Garcia Lorca. IMDB says it is "Rated R for sexual content, language and a brief disturbing image." Let us guess-- Robert Pattison's dong?

The worst show in television history (tied with about a hundred other sitcoms and America's Funniest Home Videos, of course) may make a return, thanks to its star, John Stamos:

Stamos is plotting to reunite at least some of the cast for a "semi-remake."

Cameron Bure tells OK! Magazine, "John has been working on a semi-remake of Full House. I know it would involve me and Jodie Sweeten. We would revive our characters, but today as young women."

Sarah Palin declined to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Perhaps because Oprah would ask her if Africa was a country.

And Christian nutjob Rick Warren favors assassination. Thankfully, so far he's only named a foreign leader to his list.

Related:

Sean Penn Propositions James Franco for Sex

This Week in Gayness: Gotta Love Them Bathhouses

When "You May Kiss the Bride" Is the First Kiss Ever It's Apparently "Magical"

Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

Top 10 Most Underrated Movies

This Week In Gayness: Gay Leader Assassinated

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Amazingly, Google (as a corporate megapower) is stepping into the debate over gay marriage: they claim they will do everything they possibly can to insure it stays legal in California.

Almost ten years to the day of his death, the Matthew Shepard memorial has been publicly unveiled at the murder victim's former university.

A teenage boy upset that his friend was apparently spreading rumors of his gayness has confessed to the murder of said friend.

The Orlando Fox affiliate first claimed it would film at Come Out With Pride 2008, now they're acting all Fox News and turning their backs on the community...

The trans Top Model continues to raise positive interest in this so-called "alternative lifestyle."

A Lowell, Massachusetts man is guilty of beating another man for being gay.

A 27-year-old university student in Bagdhad, who was leading the LGBT movement there, was assassinated while getting a haircut:

He was one of the organisers of safe houses for gay men in Baghdad and was co-ordinator of Iraqi LGBT in the city.

Peter Tatchell of LGBT human rights group OutRage! said:

"On 25th September, I received the sad news from Iraq that the coordinator of Iraqi LGBT in Baghdad, Bashar, aged 27, a university student, was assassinated in a barber shop.

Trying to end on an upnote for a change... the South African health minister, who thought it was wise to suggest vitamins over drugs for HIV patients, has been removed from office, thanks to AIDS and/or LGBT activists.

Related:

Gay Community Attacks McCain By Outing His Chief Of Staff

You Can't Argue With A Conservative... No, Really, It's A Fact

This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Crush of the Week: Jamie Clayton, The Hottest Transsexual

Politics Is Makin' Everybody S' Crazy!

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 18:31:00 GMT

Perhaps set off by Sarah Palin's explosive speech last night, the country is bursting at the seems with political intrigue, scandal, violence, and leaked reports of a Republican party implosion...

Noonan and Murphy on Palin

In this leaked clip from a commercial break following yesterday's Chuck Todd report on MSNBC, Peggy Noonan and Mike Murphy appear to say the choice of Palin was "bullshit" and that "it's over" for McCain. However, both Noonan and Todd argue they were discussing the Republican Party's era of dominance, in a way, is finished. As Noonan put it in today's Wall Street Journal:

"I made the case that this is no longer true, that party leaders seem to me stuck in the assumptions of 1988 and 1994, the assumptions that reigned when they were young and coming up. 'The first lesson they learned is the one they remember,' I said to Todd -- and I'm pretty certain that is a direct quote. But, I argued, that's over, those assumptions are yesterday, the party can no longer assume that its base is utterly in line with the thinking of the American people. And when I said, 'It's over!' -- and I said it more than once -- that is what I was referring to. I am pretty certain that is exactly what Todd and Murphy understood I was referring to."

(If you can't understand what they're saying, you'll need this transcript.)

McCain Campaign Knocks Down Enquirer's Palin Rumor

The latest buzz about Sarah Palin's personal life has centered around a loudly-trumpeted National Enquirer story that supposedly claims the Governor cheated with her husband's business partner. Of course, right-wing bloggers, among the only factions picking up on the story, blame it on Obama:

Turns out upon examination that the story is based on an anonymous source which the paper itself describes as an “incredible charge” by a well-connected insider. The story apparently comes down to someone in the Obama campaign feeding the Enquirer a line. That sheepish disclaimer did not pacify Sarah Palin’s team who are going to make a political issue out of media bias and dirty tricks from the Obama campaign. [Right Celebrity]

It should be noted that in no mainstream news report on this story does anyone mention this alleged "disclaimer."

Sarandon Hits Out At "Whiner" Clinton

In a recent interview, Susan Sarandon told an unknown media outlet that she would never play Clinton in a movie:

"At this point, to say after what's happened to her campaign and how they squandered all that money and all the different reasons her campaign fell apart, to blame it on sexism, I find so destructive to every young girl who dreams about making a difference through government.
"Instead of saying, 'Look how far I've gotten and you can do it too,' and all the positive things she could have done, she's turned into such a blamer and whiner, as if that was the reason, when clearly she wouldn't have been in the position she was in if she hadn't been a woman." {emphasis added} Um, kinda like Sarah Palin, no?

FBI Wanted To Charge Obama Plotters, But Rove Appointee Said "No"

Easily the most outrageous story we've heard this week, it turns out the supposed assassins busted in Colorado last week were much more serious than a local prosecutor suggested. Check out the charges:

Adolf said "it would not matter if he killed Senator Obama because police would simply add a murder charge to his pending charges," according to the records. There were seven outstanding warrants for Adolf's arrest.

The underage woman told law enforcement that Adolf also talked about using "a high-powered rifle 22-250 from a high vantage point" to shoot Senator Obama during his acceptance speech at INVESCO Field at Mile High during the DNC.
When police searched the hotel rooms and cars the men were using, they confiscated meth, needles, laptops, cell phones, a black mask, books indicating check fraud and forgery, bags of new clothes, tactical pants and bar coupons.

Based on the evidence, FBI special agent Robert Sawyer believed there was probable cause to charge the men with conspiracy to kill Senator Obama. However, US Attorney Troy Eid last week said there is insufficient evidence to indicate a true threat, plot or conspiracy against the senator.

For God's sake, the man's name was Adolf!

Meanwhile, it turns out this is the same prosecutor who called a press conference and blasted an inmate who sent fake anthrax powder to McCain's office just two weeks ago. Hmmm...

Read more at Firedoglake.

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

The Media Thinks It's Finally Figured Out Why Hillary Lost (Hint: It's Not The Media)

Caption This: Sarah Palin's Stilettos

Scanner Emily's Last Palin Post for the Day (If She Can Help It)

While You Were Sleeping: The New American Idol Judge

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:41:00 GMT

Remember that story last week about the bride and groom that got into a fight with their guests and ended up in jail? (Twice?) Well, a couple in Scotland may have taken us literally when we joked it sounded like a great party.

Three people have been arrested for attempting to assassinate or at least wound Senator Obama during his outdoor speech, scheduled for Thursday night.

Speaking of Obama: isn't voting for McCain after you backed Hillary Clinton the same as voting for Bush after you backed Bill Bradley?

As frustrated Democrats converged on Denver yesterday, some began chanting "caucus fraud," while others shouted the word "sweetie," a reference to the time Obama called a female reporter by the same name. One Clinton supporter who spoke to ABC News said Obama couldn't be trusted. Another said, "He's shifty and untrustworthy." [ABC News]

We're not sure why every media outlet did a story on the reason Facebook blocked Scrabulous. Thanks, but we figured it was Mattel's doing all along.

Songwriter Karen DioGuardi, who looks like someone who'd play Paula Abdul in a Lifetime movie, and author of hits for Carrie Underwood, Pink, and Kelly Clarkson, is bringing her brand of sass to American Idol. Now the show just needs someone who can actually sing and we might watch it.

A father and son, who have been separated for 22 years are finally reunited: in prison, where both are serving terms for the same sex crime.

One of the singers from the Barenaked Ladies survived a plane crash. They just got a whole lot cooler in our books...

Yes, he's been such a great parent so far, let's do it all over again: Charlie Sheen's new wife is pregnant.

The 50 Sexiest Albums You Must Own (50-41)

Andy Dick And Steven Page: Today In C-List Celeb Arrests

DNC Kicks Off Tonight With Ghosts Of Party Past

While You Were Sleeping: Which TV Female Character Do You Wanna Be?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:15:00 GMT

Morgan Freeman was released from the hospital and will have to wear a neck brace for six months or more.

Don't read this if you want to go on disliking Lauren Conrad.

Who are the two richest kids in Showbiz? If you guessed Ricky Schroeder, you really aren't reading the right blog...

1= Miley Cyrus, $26 million (GBP13 million) 1= Daniel Radcliffe, $26 million (GBP13 million) 3. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, $15 million (GBP7.5 million) 4. The Jonas Brothers, $12 million (GBP6 million) 5. Zac Efron, $5.8 million (GBP2.9 million).

We don't think the Jonas Brothers should count because there are, what, how many of them... and re-spawning every minute?

The World's Greatest Dad is guilty of being one of the world's scuzziest.

Obama and Bush were the targets one of main's assassination plots, unrelated to yesterday's story about the teenage boy who planned to kill W.

What do you think of Defamer's list of the Top 10 TV Characters Women Want To Be Like And Women Want To Be With? Sexist? Spot on?

Tom Selleck will join "Dancing With The Stars?" He's not looking too shabby these days, either, he's probably in proper shape...

And Battlestar Galactica fans, rejoice: a two-hour special will air... next year.

Related:

"World's Greatest Dad" Arrested In Online Sex Sting

"Battlestar Galactica": In Desperate Need of a Safeword?

Sloppy Seconds: Is Sarah Jessica Parker the Unsexiest Woman In Hollywood?

Top 10 Teen Pop Stars

Sloppy Seconds: Impeachments Imminent

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:29:00 GMT

56 government employees in Miami-Dade County were arrested for their alleged links to an Oxy-Contin ring.

We keep waiting for an explanation for this few-days-old story, but since none has been forthcoming: A man was arrested for exposing himself to his neighbors. When police came in through his front door, they found him committing some sort of sexual act "with a claw hammer, plastic bag and motor oil." What?

Gawker revisited some classic (and far from classic) Playgirl covers.

Know anyone with a birthday tonight? Get them the Horse's Ass cake, just because you're such good friends.

One of the Dixie Chicks got divorced.

A teen conspired with a buddy to, we're assuming, assassinate George W. Bush at Camp David. He even had the motorcade route copied down. It's a miracle ~~we don't have a "President Cheney"~~ he didn't get to execute his nefarious plan.

In other Bush news, the House seems closer than ever to actually considering impeaching Bush. Which means nothing will happen, of course.

In other impeachment news, the President of Pakistan is much closer to being ousted: the country's ruling coalition agreed to begin removal proceedings against him.

And Condi Rice is apparently ignoring her daily memos from the RNC: she said the country would do fine against terrorisms even with an Obama presidency.

More WTF: Obama Assassination Hints And Jokes

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 May 2008 17:44:00 GMT

When did it become okay to joke about someone, anyone, getting assassinated?

First, there was the non-joke Hillary made about her campaign continuing because

"My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California." [NY Daily News]

Again, huh? He was assassinated in June in California, yes, but what does that have to do with this campaign at all? Did it meant that the '68 race was thrown in the air by the assassination and therfore was also unresolved in June? We're not even sure this reference to Bobby Kennedy is offensive because we don't quite understand her point.

Then there was this, also over the weekend. From the Huffington Post:

Fox News political pundit Liz Trotta jokingly suggested this weekend that someone should assassinate an American presidential candidate. She had first "mistakenly" referred to Obama as "Osama" while discussing theories that Hillary Clinton's recent comments about the RFK assassination was in fact a suggestion that someone "knock off Osama." When she was corrected and reminded that she meant "Obama," she then said, "Well, both if we could."

You'd think Trotta would've learned from Mike Huckabee's idiotic joke, but then again, Fox News was never known for paying attention to real news.

Of course, McCain escapes any sort of danger because whatever perceived enemies he might have will just wait for him to keel over. (Sorry, Scanner Emily!)

Huckabee Encourages NRA Members To Shoot Obama

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 May 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Correct us if we're wrong, but there are laws against this sort of thing, are there not?

We were in the middle of reading Vanity Fair's story on the pre-assassination campaign of Bobby Kennedy when we heard TV's talking heads jabbering about the inane/insane remarks of one Mike Huckabee. Huckabee would have been, in happier times, jailed on the spot for threatening the President of the United States. Unfortunately, it appears law enforcement doesn't consider "future Presidents" as being protected from said law...

Reports differ on whether or not the audience approved of his remarks. The earliest reports we saw indicated murmuring and no laughter followed the following, which came after a loud thump or bang from behind the stage:

“That was Barack Obama, he just tripped off a chair, he's getting ready to speak,” said the former Arkansas governor, to audience laughter. “Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor.” [CNN]

Doesn't that encourage shooting the Presidential candidate? Especially when you encourage that shooting in front of hundreds of NRA members?! You can bet Huckabee would've hounded Obama with this remark, had their roles in this been reversed, all the way to the inaugural, whereas Obama takes the customary high road and refused comment. (We thought he should've used this as a golden opportunity to drive the final stake in Huckabee's political coffin, but then again, we're not wimpy Democratic operatives.)

Sloppy Seconds: Heath Ledger's Birthday

Emily Farris — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:19:00 GMT

This piece of art is almost entirely composed of naked bodies. Look closely.

Billionaire/ media mogul/ environmentalist Ted Turner is worried that if global warming continues at its current rate, we'll either be dead or cannibals in 30 to 40 years.

We just wanted to remind you that John McCain voted against the creation of MLK Day. Politically motivated message complete, we now direct you to a serious, moving tribute to the man who was shot down in Memphis forty years ago today.

Annnnd back to trivial matters. Warning: next week we'll be posting exclusively in the beard typeface. Do not adjust your monitors.

And actor Heath Ledger would have turned 29 today.

-Scanner Brian for the broken Scanner Emily

Conspiracy of the Day: Sono Bono Was Assassinated

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:59:00 GMT

We can't take this story as literal fact because it was broken by the Globe tabloid, but an FBI agent claims he has evidence Sonny Bono did not die in a pathetic little skiing accident.

Ted Gunderson, now a private investigator, told the gossip rag that

"It's nonsense for anyone to now try to suggest that Bono died after crashing into a tree. There's zero evidence in this autopsy report... to show such an accident happened. Instead, there's powerful proof he was assassinated."

One month before his death on a Nevada slope, Congressman Bono was approached by another FBI agent named Bob Fletcher about government officials involved in smuggling and arms dealing. Basing his opinions on autopsy photos, Gunderson concludes that Bono was beaten to death by several individuals, probably using blunt objects, and then placed near a tree to be found by authorities.

It's possible that both the arms story and the Bono assassination theory are little more than conspiracy theory nuttiness. Nonetheless, it sounds like Gunderson's story warrants further investigation:

"(Bono) was going to make [the allegations] his No.1 priority... There's no doubt in my mind Sonny was murdered by someone who needed him silenced," Mr. Fletcher told the paper.

Send Flowers to Your Abortion Doctor

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:37:00 GMT

No, really, it's National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day.

March 10 marks the anniversary of the first assassination on an abortion doctor, who was shot three times by a man who "prayed for his soul" in 1993.

So Planned Parenthood, along with other national organizations, marked this day to show your appreciation for the people who make abortion safe and accessible. So send flowers, write a thank you note, or at least send positive vibes to the people who put their lives at risk to make sure women have the kind of reproductive health care they need.

Also, Scanner Emily encourages you to throw tomatoes or eggs at people who don't. Just don't get shot.

[PlannedParenthood.org]

[Previously on Scanner: Roe v. Wade 35 Years Later]

Image via mccullagh.org

On Our To-Do List: Fidel Castro

Katie Halper — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:32:00 GMT

Fidel Castro may be stepping down, but he's still standing erect. Whether you love him or hate him, we can all agree on one thing about Castro: El Jefe Has Got STAMINA. His speeches go on for hours and hours. His long, thick cigar is always lit. His revolution is constant and anything but predictable. And he ruled Cuba hard and firm for half a century, only stopping to come up for air and let his kid brother have his way with her.

On top of that, the insatiable, unbeatable, unstoppable Castro keeps going and going and going, in spite of his age and at least eight confirmed assassination attempts on his life. And let's be honest, when multiple U.S. presidents and CIA and FBI officials obsess over ways to eliminate the leader of an island the size of Pennsylvania, and aim many of their covert operations at said leader's cigar, it can only mean one thing: penis envy. Which is why Fidel Castro may be out of office. But he is On Our To-Do List.

[Previously on Scanner: Who Would You Rather Deluxe Edition: Fidel Castro or George W. Bush Then and Now?]

[Previously on Scanner: Your Talking Points: Fidel Castro Retires]