Scanner : balls

While You Were Sleeping: Flirting Caused That Plane Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Hurricane Ike may have caused a baby boom in Texas.

Playboy may cut back on the number of issues it puts out every year and raise the newsstand price. A truly sad day for America.

Holy balls! Dolph Lundgren had a penis slip!

It's time we started to boycott people who boycott Pepsi for it's "pro-gay and human rights agenda."

Sounds like many of the places we've worked: seven people were hospitalized when their work refrigerator cleanup proved to be horribly toxic and stankin'.

A toilet kneeler-- and what exactly would anyone need this for?

The plane crash in Buffalo may have been caused by a middle-aged co-pilot hitting on his young female co-pilot. Oh, and the fact that the guy was basically unqualified to fly commercial planes might have been a contributing factor.

And remind us what Sarah Palin has accomplished beyond being elected Governor after running a tiny village into the ground that warrants a "memoir?"

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Sexually Incriminating Information

Son of the Montauk Monster!

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Sloppy Seconds: No Bullet-Proof Bras For You

Sloppy Seconds: These Boobs Are Made of Magic

You're "Doing It" Wrong: Health Website's Wrongheaded Sex Advice

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 22:15:00 GMT

The Stanford University School of Medicine released a report today with shocking revelations about lies, fabrications, and downright stupidity on the internet.

Why is this different from everything else that's wrong with the internet? Because Stanford is blaming WebMD and other trusted medical websites for the backlash against Plan B, not to mention multiple other "mistakes" in the advice these sites cough up about sex...

Here are the most disturbing examples we picked up, quoted directly from a source at HealthNewsDigest, which covered the report:

sites often failed to say that minors can buy emergency contraception from authorized pharmacists in nine states
many sites did not correct the myth that emergency contraception causes an abortion
Sixty percent of the Web sites said the birth control pill causes weight gain, despite recent research showing modern oral contraceptives do not affect body weight
Only 19 percent of the Web sites made it clear that intrauterine devices are safe for adolescents to use.
only about half of the Web sites surveyed correctly stated that some STDs, such as herpes, can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact or kissing
Forty percent of Web sites surveyed did not provide accurate information about when young women should receive their first Pap exam. The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology updated its Pap exam recommendations in 2003 to state that women should receive their first exam three years after initiating sexual activity or at age 21; that is about three years later than the previous recommendations [“Extra Pap exams are an unnecessary stress and expense, and a barrier to getting birth control,” Yen said, since young women may forgo contacting a doctor for a contraceptive prescription if they mistakenly believe they must first get the exam.]

Researchers indicted that sites like Go Ask Alice, a product of Columbia University, are much more reliable. For example, here's their advice on giving a decent handjob, something we'll bet WebMD doesn't have the balls to pull. So, kids, if for some reason you're reading this after doing a Google search for "sex advice," go there first... and definitely don't read my posts. Sarcasm can be lost on those not "in the know..."

Via this link.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Post-Sex Guilt

Married British Barrister Billed Client For Sex

Sloppy Seconds: What Do Sarah Palin And Tom Cruise Have In Common?

Live Blogging SXSWi: Ur Blog Sux and Print is Dead

Gah! Don't Let Your Kids Play With Satan's Testicles!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:11:00 GMT

Forgive us for an Easter Bunny photo so frightening, your future grandchild will be traumatized in perpetuity. We were forced to show it due to the seriousness of this situation, in order to draw your attention, much as Strollerderby dramatically alerted us, to What Is REALLY Happening Here In US Americans. Sunday is Easter Bunny Hunting Day, and there will be eggs in your yard, eggs in your trees, eggs in your pants. But did you know these eggs are really... Satan's schweddy balls?

Thank Christ Landover Baptist is on the case and we have their full, dramatic warning for you here...

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? is a Christian Bible-based tome that “teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility.”

"Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil," Daniel Cameroon, the writer of the book declares. "Pagan kids didn't have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh. You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan. And since they didn't have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint.” He continues to state, "But the reason they chose eggs had nothing to do with any sort of fertility or fertilizers (as some misguided Christian historians would have you believe). Nope, it was because of Lucifer's testicles! Glory to God!”

Strollerderby actually has the damn gall to ask if their readers think Louis Safer's nutsack has been inexpertly hidden in their yards by Hungover Dad. Listen up, SunnyChanel-- if that's your Christian name-- these eggs are indeed the work of the devil. Nothing this delicious could be good for America's decent folk. Leave them in my yard and I will take care of those chocolate salty balls. Amen.

World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Everything Was Funnier in 1985

Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:38:00 GMT

We don't watch TV. Period. We download Breaking Bad, watch 30 Rock online, and sneak over to the neighbors when Weeds is airing new episodes. Other than that, there's really no reason to ever turn on the television for anything but DVDs or Nintendo.

But we kind of wish we'd seen this broadcast of Dancing With the Stars because we'd like to think we would have caught it before Deadpsin did...

And the detail that censors missed:

That Johnson (no, the other one) belongs to Marc Ballas (no pun intended), who is suddenly the most famous member (no pun intended) of this pair (really, this is unintentional.) As Deadpsin notes, Shawn is not exactly thrilled with this week's developments-- first, some crazy guy may have tried to kidnap her; then, the above image, which is all anyone wants to talk about from her performance.

Then again, she should have said something to Marc-- doesn't she know what that kind of fabric will do to a guy's Johnson and Ballas?

Rubber Penis a "misappropriation of taxpayers' money and extremely offensive"

The Tale of the Penis Thief

Jessica Simpson's... Ass Slip?

Funny Last Names Like Wang On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:23:00 GMT

Here's a headline we can all appreciate: "Name shame causes Cock shrinkage but Wang is on the rise."

Normally, a story like that never tops its opening lines, but there are a few glorious quips in here...

A comparison of the 2008 population - using data from a variety of sources - with the first census in 1881 shows that the number of Cocks has shrunk by 75 per cent, while the number of people called Balls... has fallen by more than 50 per cent.

David Hey, author of Family Names and Family History, said that ridiculous names were often more harmless than they appeared. "'Bottom' names were from farms at the bottom of a valley. In the Middle Ages `daft' meant meek. It was a perfectly acceptable name."

So, wangs are on the rise, cocks are shrinking, and balls are hanging at the lower end. Makes sense, sorta.

From the comment section of the Australian, which becomes a word association game featuring places and names of the bathroom-humor variety:

-Being a Hater, I was always teased as a child. Moving to Australia meant I had to call myself Oswald instead of Ozzie for obvious reasons. People still wind me up a bit - but I think it's made me a stronger person.
-Heard of a guy named Bill Stinks, who got teased and laughed at all his young life until he learned in high school that he could change his name by deed poll once he turned 21 years of age. After another 8 years of humilation Bill turned up at the deed poll office right on opening to change his name. He is now called Robert.
-My Grandmother's surname was Winterbottom which got her the nickname 'Frosty Bum.' I'm glad I didn't inherit that surname.

Our parents had a friend called Becky Butts. Our first reaction upon learning this: "And we thought we hated high school."

-Were you aware that in the middle of the last century there were two law firms in Britain that were named respectively 'Glass, Cock and Balls" and "Phibbs and Lyes".

No, but we have retained their services from time to time.

-Try the place names in Britain: I once worked at Braintree, and I once drove past Crinkley Bottom on the way to Cockshoot.

Via the Australian.

Man Attacks Police Horse With 5-Foot-Long Penis

The Tale of the Penis Thief

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Sloppy Seconds: The Most Amazing 9-1-1 Call Ever (AUDIO)

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:50:00 GMT

Hey, geeks (or people like us?): it's National Grammar Day. [National Grammar Day]

We were totally pissed we missed this last year and we're actually considering entering this time. It's the third annual Peeps Diorama Contest! [Washington Post]

Barbie got a tramp stamp! [Jossip]

Justin Timberlake and his lady love Jessica Biel will celebrate her birthday with... George Bush? [Us]

Mariska Hargitay has been hospitalized—again!—for a collapsed lung. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood topped VenusZine's list of 25 Under 25. Also on the list: Adele, Zoe Kravitz. [VenusZine]

We know Scanner Brian mentioned this in While You Were Sleeping, but it's so good we wanted to make sure you heard it (plus, we have the audio): a woman in Florida called 9-1-1 after a McDonald's employee told her the chain had run out of chicken McNuggets. Apparently, she had already paid and wanted her money back instead of some other food. Is it bad that this woman is sort-of our hero and that we also really want chicken McNuggets right now? [The Inquisitr]

Stephen Colbert Will Not Give Up on Beer Pong Herpes

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:16:00 GMT

Didn't you hear the news that beer pong can give you herpes? While news organizations around the country let the story die, one man refuses to give up on it.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Beer Pong Herpes Outbreak

Colbert Report Full Episodes
Political Humor

Rap Battle
Joke of the Day

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Beer Pong Video Game Falls By Way Of Lenny Bruce, Poop Paintings, Janet Jackson's Nipples

One Couple, 90 Breweries, One Year, Many Beers

Stephen Colbert: Humankind's Only Hope Should Sarah Palin Destroy the Earth

Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:34:00 GMT

We're often discussing ways to reconcile our need for unrestrained, raunchy sex with our boring ol' environmentalism. Sometimes we've even gotten specific about ways our love lives have evolved in a more socially-conscious era. But we not as specific as the recent Fox News piece "11 Ways to Make Your Sex Life 'Greener.'"

Wait, Fox News is leading the eco-friendly sexual revolution? Now, this we gotta see...

Here are the 11 Ways, according to FNC Sexpert Yvonne K. Fulbright, a smarty-pants name if we've ever heard it (just kidding-- it's impossible to successfully mock a pompous byline when your own last name is Fairbanks.)

1. Organic Lubricants 2. Bamboo Sheets 3. Eco-Lingerie 4. Environmentally Friendly Condoms 5. Sustainable Wooden Paddles 6. Phthalate-Free Vibrators 7. Certified Fair Trade Chocolate 8. Local Flowers 9. Sex Kits 10. Organic Wine 11. DivaCup

Nothing extraordinary, but perhaps more comprehensive than many similar lists we've personally created on Scanner. But one thing stuck with us-- this seemed all too familiar. Look at a post on the TakePart blog:

1) Sustainably Sexy Lingerie 2) Vegan Condoms 3) Natural Lubricants 4) Spank Me! 5) Organic Massage Oils 6) Solar Vibrator 7) Twisted Monk Bondage Starter Kit 8) Smart Balls 9) Fun in the Tub 10) Fair Trade Aphrodisiacs

No one's accusing Fox of plagairzing our friends at the socially-conscious TakePart, but why would we listen to Fox News, a network that tells us sex is a shameful practice yet has no problem milking stories about it for monetary gain? Why would we listen to a conservative "news" source, a proudly "red state" institution after it was revealed that people in states that heavily regulate sexual activity spend more money on porn than those in more liberal areas?

Perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. But the point is-- why would anyone care what Fox News thinks is greener sex when we have a liberal list that includes gems like this:

Have you been a baaaad environmentalist? Forget to recycle that take-out container last night? Bend over and take your punishment like a good little greenie with this classic wooden paddle made with materials from a sustainable source by a fair trade project in India.

Suck my Smart Balls, Murdoch.

We'll spare you our revolutionary #12 idea, which has something to do with the "WTF?!" photo seen here...

Top image via. The TakePart blog post is here; Fox's is here.

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When You Care Enough to Give Your Dog $1,300 Fake Testicles (During a Recession)

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:17:00 GMT

“You would assume that with people losing their homes and jobs, the last thing on their mind is buying a pair of fake testicles for their pets."

You can say that again, Gregg Miller.

Miller is the founder of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles, a Kansas City, MO-based company that manufactures testicular implants for your four-legged friends. And by four legged friends, we mean dogs, cats, bulls, really "any pet that is neutered."

Um, why? To make your pet feel like a male again, of course. Or continue to feel like a male. According to the ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles website, the prosthetic balls should be implanted when the real ones are taken out, but in most cases, can be put in years later. You know, if your dog lost that special something since you took away his manhood.

Funny, right? Well, apparently more than 250,000 pets around the world are carrying around a set, and according to Miller, sales of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles have been steady since the recession began. “Folks in California love their pets and are trendsetters," Miller said. "They’d do anything for them, no matter what the economy is doing.”

Oh, Southern California. Riiight.

[Bloomberg via Jossip]

Related:

There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

**While You Were Sleeping: All Kinds Of Sh*t Went Down, No One Was Injured**

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

[Image]

More Than a Woman: Real Dolls Galore

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:41:00 GMT

Calling all real doll fans in the tri-state area: today Becky Yee's photo exhibit, More Than A Woman, opens at the HPGRP Gallery in New York City. The show focuses on a middle-aged computer engineer in Tokyo who is the self-procliamed 'world's largest collector of Dutch wives'—a nice term for sex dolls. The exhibit runs through March 15 and if you're free tonight, you can catch the opening reception from 6-8.

If we were still in New York, we'd certainly go see it even though—we know this is probably a very unpopular opinion around these parts—we've always been sort-of creeped out by real dolls. They might actually make sense for people with social anxiety, but it seems like a sad way to have the perfect woman who will never get fat, will fuck whenever you want and will never tell you that you need to clean that junk out from under your ball sack. Maybe we'd feel better if there were male real dolls (they'd always be hard and never have junk under their ball sacks!). But to each his (or her own). And in the spirit of that, we've compiled some of our favorite real doll shots after the jump.

[Image]

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Sex Doll Crimes Of Passion: One Man Just Can't Get Enough

Tickle Me Emo: Male Rocker RealDoll

Naked Man Banned From Playing with His (Bowling) Balls

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 16:49:00 GMT

"Mr Forrest said it was nice to hear he had a measure of support. 'I think the six months is a bit stiff, but I knew there'd be consequences,' he said."

There's an interesting postscript to this otherwise predictable story about an Australian bowling alley regular who is banned from patronizing the establishment for six months after running naked across the lanes after a night of heavy boozing...

Oddly enough, and perhaps because the indomitable Mr. Forrest has a huge pin of his own, but for some reason, the women interviewed for the story about his banishment all disagree with the ban-- including the women who witnessed his streak. Here's one quote from a Northern Territory News piece:

A member - who didn't want to give her name - said the six-month ban was "ridiculous".
"I just thought it was hilarious.
"He's got a great body and a great personality ... full of life - there's too many sour people nowadays."
The member admitted she was annoyed she had missed the Full Monty moment.

You gotta wonder what she would've said if he had the body of, say, a professional bowler from Tennessee...

Related:

Happy Ending To This Naked Man's Prank

"Oh My God, Is My Penis Going To Shrink?"

Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

While You Were Sleeping: The Next Major Blockbuster Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Has the Senate ever been this entertaining? Between Dick Cheney swearing in a shit-eating-grin-sportin' Joe Biden to Roland Burris, barbarian at the gate?

Aubrey O'Day will receive one half million smackers to allow her boobies to appear in Playboy.

We have to admit, we're skeptical the "safe sex" soap opera can convince teens of anything.

This will either be worse than Rocky V or even better than First Blood: Part Two.

How the hell do you win the lottery 21 times? Probably by buying all the tickets.

According to Forbes, the most boring big city in the country is in... Arizona. Runners up include... cities in Arizona.

The next big movie event involves Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Oh, and don't forget Tintin.

Will Ferrell is about to kick off his George Bush spoof on Broadway.

Did you hear about the woman who set her husband's nuts on fire? She killed him and burned her house down, and now she's being charged with murder, having confessed to her neighbors that she did it because if she couldn't have his dick, no one could.

Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton died. At least we can say we saw them twice...

And in Virgina, a six-year-old boy missed the school bus, so he did the next best thing, as his grandfather would've instructed: he ~~walked~~ stole the family car, with predictable results.

What A Dick: Guy Invades Old Lady's House, Gets One in the Nuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:36:00 GMT

If you could've made this story up, what would you name the suspect in a home invasion, who was there presumably to rape an 88-year-old woman, who then grabbed him by the balls until he ran away and was quickly arrested?

No, really-- what would be the best name imaginable for a guy like this?

How about Michael Dick? Seriously, that's the name of a guy making major national news today in Portland, Oregon... perhaps due to the fact that he got his ass kicked by an epically awesome senior citizen, who wishes to remain anonymous, after breaking into her house and throwing her face-down onto a chair, whereupon our hero of the day, wearing only a bathrobe, reached back and got a handful of his genitals. Dick(head) then ran out of there without a word, taking off in a car which was soon spotted by the cops.

Michael G. Dick, a 46-year-old resident of Dersham, faces indecency, burglary, and other charges.

Photo via wire services.

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Creepy Time Warner Hunk Calendar

Skull Spikes, Arm Ears and 5 Other Things We'll Never Do To Our Bodies

New Year's Celebrations Lacking Balls

Colleen Kane — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 20:46:00 GMT

Balls are historically controversial. Not everyone is a fan, and not everyone necessarily wants to see one sliding down a pole on New Year's Eve. Of course we are talking about balls like the famous one in Times Square that mark the turning of a new year. Why, what did you think we were talking about?

Anyhoozle, we were hoping that someone else had already compiled a list of weird and wacky shapes that get dropped at midnight on New Year's Eve, and luckily, TripAdvisor did, because we are lazy post-Christmas sluggards, fat with sugarplums and pie.

As you'll see on the following list, among the alternate shapes that are improvements on balls: pickles, sausages, and bologna.

1. Key West, Florida - Conch, drag queen and pirate

2. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania - marshmallow "peep"

3. Port Clinton, Ohio- fish

4. Mount Olive, North Carolina- pickles

5. Elmore, Ohio - sausages

6. Lebanon, Pennsylvania- bologna

7. New Orleans, Louisiana - gumbo pot

8. Easton, Maryland- crab

9. Plymouth, Wisconsin - cheese

10. Raleigh, North Carolina- acorn

Those are great and all, especially the Peep, but why? Read the explanations in the article.

Return of the Gay Balls

Obama's Dainty Balls

Image: newyearsdrop.blogspot.com

Sloppy Seconds: Is The Pill Making the World Unhappy?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:52:00 GMT

As if we need to remind you to switch to Firefox, a new report says Internet Explorer has another major security flaw.

Anthony Keidis came close to having kidney failure.

Did you know this weekend's box office included the biggest bomb in the history of movies? It turns out Delgo, which has a "D" average on Yahoo!, made just a half a million dollars back on its $40 million budget. Delgo is actually an independent film produced by an Atlanta entrepreneur and would've been a great slap-in-the-face to the Hollywood studios if it had been a success. We wanted it to be a great film, but more importantly, we wanted it to succeed outside the system. Such a shame...

The Cleveland Clinic has completed the first face transplant in the U.S.

Phish will headline Bonnaroo.

How did one North Carolina high school decide to honor their spelling bee champ? Guess.

A man is wanted by the courts for paying his $56 traffic fine. Paying his fine-- he paid his fine. Of course, he paid it with 112 rolls of pennies, which may have something to do with the problem...

Thank God: Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber named their kid... Samuel. Phew.

A four-year-old boy snuck out of his house in the middle of the night, crossed a seven-lane-highway, and broke into a dollar store to play with toys. Kid, piece of advice... if you're going to commit a toy burglarly, Toys 'R Us might be more bang for your (literal) buck.

A man is in custody today for plotting to (literally) cut off his former son-in-law's balls.

The Pill is going on sale over the counter pretty soon in the UK. But is it... making us all unhappy sex fiends?

And Carmen Electra (see above photo) can't get enough of Playboy.

Virgin Mary as Never Seen Before: In Mexican Playboy

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

While You Were Sleeping: Scores Strikes Out

Who Will Be Time's Person of the Year?

There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Here's a contest we'd refrain from competing in or even watching.

In Hunterville, New Zealand, the new world's capitol of enjoyable public indecency, there's a competition in which men pick up a bull's testicles using only their mouths and running for 50 meters with them. The testicles, of course...

Sadly, their own prize for these feats of masculinity are a cold beer to wash down the horrific taste. And, as Metro UK notes, "if the beer was from Hunterville it was probably rubbish." Among the other highlights:

[It's] the annual Shepherd's Shemozzle in the small town of Hunterville, where men are men and men eat bulls' testicles.
As part of the competition, punters had to bite into the balls and carry them in their mouths for 50m.
Once that feat was accomplished they had to scoff some dry weetabix and down a raw egg. In a rare respite they then got to wash the lot down with a can of beer.

[Winner Josh Masters said] "Best of all, they weren't connected to anything." [Metro]

Yes, Josh, we would think it quite strange were you to run with your mouth wrapped a bull's nuts-- a live bull's nuts, that is.

Related:

Cooking With Your Balls

GayBalls: The Final Episode

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

Cooking With Your Balls

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 20:23:00 GMT

If you didn't scream bloody (bollocks) murder reading the title and seeing that pic, you'll probably enjoy this one...

Those crazy Serbs... they eat monkey brains and lick cigarettes for the protein... or something. Seriously though, it turns out they eat balls-- as in, they cook and chew them... yikes.

The book, the first all-testicle cookbook, is thankfully only available electronically, which means you won't be seeing this in the window of Barnes and Noble or its author pleasuring himself on Oprah. It's available here and features the following highlights:

"Wash testicles thoroughly for 30-45 minutes," begins the recipe for testicles pie.

"Once softened, mince them in a mincer."

I will not! Oh, wait... author and so-called "chef" Ljubomir Erovic is talking about the nutsacks of pigs, ostriches, bulls (surprise) and, of course, stallions. Erovic is pretty proud of himself-- proclaiming his inventions of Testical Pizza and Barbecued Testicles were revolutionary moments in food. Thanks, Ljub, but we'll stick with hot dogs and foie gras when we're up for eating a disgusting part of an animal.

The e-book, available for download from the internet, comes with handy video guides showing the Serb peeling the skin off testicles and slicing them up into bite-size chunks. [News.com.au]

There's video of this?! Oh no, we cannot let that stand. Don't buy this book! (Available here.)

Related:

Return of the Gay Balls

Call Waiting With Bobby Tisdale: A Blue Man and His Possibly Blue Balls

Today in Khraigslist: BALLS CAUGHT IN ZIPPER!

Scanner Emily's Wet, Hot, American Summer: Very Wet, Not So Hot

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Scanner Contest: Name The Celebrity Packages

Live from New York: Fey and Poehler do Palin and Clinton

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:24:00 GMT

Think what you want about Saturday Night Live these days, but it's hard to deny the hilarity that is the combination of Tina Fey's Sarah Palin (in Tina Fey glasses, of course) and Amy Poehler's Hillary Clinton—especially when balls, barbed wire and dog sleds are involved. If only Hillary had wanted it more. *Sigh.*

Video after the jump.

Bowling For Boobies: Where Was Our Invite, People?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:08:00 GMT

Luckily, LAist was at Sunday's Bare Bowling event in the San Fernando Valley to snap these photos, which tell a bizarre and, well, heartwarming story of charity, boobs, balls, bowling balls, boobs, and boobs...

We're not sure if there was any actual bowling going on during this event, although who cares about gutterballs when you have gigantic breasts and porn stars cavorting for... um... a shitload of creepy middle aged fat dudes with cameras.

Anyway, according to the original story:

With minimal promotion, and individual bowlers paying $40 or a team of five bowlers paying $150, all 24 lanes of the bowling alley were filled with fans and people from the adult industry knocking down the pins for a good cause.

Damn, guess there was some serious bowling after all...

Via LAist.

What's It Like Being The Husband Of A Porn Star?

Those Who Can, Do; Those Who Can't, Teach Porn Techniques...

The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which Our Minds Are Blown

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:27:00 GMT

Bleebloobloop. So much happened this week our brains are on overload. We're about to crash. Go see for yourself what we mean.

Highs:

We saw lots of boobies at the Mermaid Parade.

Is there anything better than the Princess Bride lightsaber battle?

Possibly only the Pipecleaner Dance.

A stranded hiker used her bra to save her own life.

We had a little visit from our old friend Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

We composed a haiku or two for our old friend Salon Sarah Hepola.

This two-legged dog may be the cutest thing we saw all week.

Unless you consider Ayveq, the masturbating walrus, cute. R.I.P. Ayveq.

Bears strutted their stuff on the runway in Milan. Grrr!

Part of us wants to be just like these "manly" Albanian women when we grow up.

DMX told it like it is.

There could be hope for Scanner Emily's boobs, after all.

Haha. He said "balls."

Lows:

George Carlin, who was fucking hottie back in the day, died Sunday.

We had a little disagreement about Amy Winehouse looking good. We should have been more clear. She looked good for Amy Winehouse.

Is there anything scarier than the world's ugliest dog?

Possibly only the world's largest cockroach (in Scanner Emily's bedroom at 3 a.m.).

We discussed the Supreme Court's ruling that the death penalty cannot be used on rapists who do not commit murder.

Sorry we lied to you about becoming an escort service.

Mini Me made a sex tape.

Image via Scanner Brian's flickr.

World's Fattest Man is Still Very Fat

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Manuel Uribe from Monterrey, Mexico, is/was the World's Fattest Man. He apparently lost half of his body weight on a low-carb diet, but he is still very, very, very fat. And we're really, really, really confused by the two large masses protruding from between his legs. But don't click through if you're easily grossed out. Seriously.

No, seriously.

Okay, but we warned you.

We know there are some medical professionals who read this blog who can explain to us that those masses are merely fat from his thighs, right? Right? Please say, "right."

[Image]

[Previously: World's Fattest Man Loses Half His Body Weight on Low Carb Diet, If He Can Do It, We Can Do It]

Is That A Naked Woman Cheney's Sunglasses? Or Is He Just Happy To See Us?

Katie Halper — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:40:00 GMT

Are Cheney's Sunglasses reflecting a naked woman? Some bloggers thinks so. What do you think? Dick's spokesman says what we see in his lens is actually a “hand casting a rod.” Hmm. “Hand casting a rod…” So that’s what the kids are calling it these days? Do they really expect us to believe that that's nothing more than a good old-fashioned outdoorsie hand job? We're tempted to think that there really is a naked woman in Dick's eye. He must be fighting them off with a stick! Who wouldn't get naked for Cheney? Have you seen Dick's balls? They're huge! Check them out after the jump.

Video of the Day: "Ball Buster" Commercial

Bryan Christian — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 16:47:00 GMT

We had such a hard time believing this was real, we almost put it up yesterday. Enjoy!

Dear Iraq: I'm Just Not That Into You. -America

Katie Halper — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 22:00:00 GMT

Hey Iraq,

What's up? It's me, America. I'm sorry I didn't really plan anything for our five-year anniversary Wednesday. You know I was never good with dates, or making plans, or remembering anything, especially when it comes to your needs. I mean I could barely keep your family members straight, you know like your Shia/ Sunni thing? That was really confusing! Wow, five years is a long time. You know, when I brought you democracy five years ago, I was really into you. In fact, I had had my eye on you for a long time. I was just waiting for some excuse to pursue you. So when that whole 9/11 thing happened, it seemed like the perfect ice-breaker. And I made a move.

But I think I was maybe into you for the wrong reasons. I've been doing a lot of processing lately. Remember how I used to tell you how badly I wanted to "invade you" and "liberate you" from that abusive dictator? Well I did. And after I freed you from Saddam, I ravished you; I ravished your oil fields, and I privatized your industries and and I drilled you long and hard until you didn't have any oil left to give me... and it was great.

But I have a knight-in-shining-armor savior complex. Or really more like a knight-in-insufficient-body-armor complex. And added to that was my Oedipal pathology and the weird issues I had with failure and impotence over the fact that I had gone after you in the 1990s but wasn’t man enough to seal the deal.

Anyway, there was just a lot of baggage involved. And honestly, the thing I was most interested in was your booty. I mean, after I removed Saddam and got your oil, I didn't really have a plan or anything, because I guess I was thinking with the wrong head. I guess, I didn't really think about what it would be like between us once Saddam was gone, whether we’d still be into each other, what your friends and family would think of me and how they'd respond to me. I didn’t even bother learning Iraqi, so I couldn't even communicate with you. And I fired all my translators because they're all gay.

And so I've been kind of going through the motions with you. I'm still with you, sure, but I don't really care about you as much as an occupying power should. And I guess I'm just not that invested in my relationship with you (I’m talking emotionally here).

And before you say anything, I know I've sent you mixed messages. And I apologize for the drunk dials and texts about your weapons of mass destruction and yellow cake and all that. I was just really trying to get into you oil fields.

Which is why, on our five-year anniversary, I didn't really do anything special. I mean in all fairness I was just too distracted because there are a lot of big things going on with me right now. You know I'm not really good at communicating, so the best way to understand where I’m at, what I’m thinking about and what I'm looking for in life (and on-line) is probably by going to Google Hot Trends. You’ll see that Wednesday, while you were celebrating our anniversary, I was busy looking at naked photos of Kristin Davis, trying to figure out if Sex and the City’s Charlotte really did go “from Deck the Halls to Licking Balls.” I was also really concerned about the "child uses lunchbox as toilet" story. And, honestly, how could I think about how many of your people and my soldiers have died, when I had a much more important calculation to determine: "how many horns does a unicorn have?"

So, Iraq, I guess I just wanted to say that if you want to be friends that’s cool. But if you’re looking for a real relationship, with a country that really cares about you and is willing to put in the hard work necessary to lay the foundation for a healthy democracy, it ain’t me babe. I’m just not that into you.

~~Peace~~ Best,

America

P.S. I’m telling you now because I wanted you to hear it from me. I didn’t want you to hear it from Iran, because I know you guys have this weird relationship. And the fact that I confuse you guys and can’t keep you straight sometimes doesn’t help, I’m sure. But you guys are neighbors so I’m sure you’ve already heard the rumors. I mean, I've already been outed by Seymour Hersh who said "my wet dream is hitting Iran." (Am I that transparent, Sy?) I’m trying to keep my intentions towards Iran under wraps. But, yes, I’m kind of starting something with her.

David Beckham and Friend Protect Their Balls?

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:51:00 GMT

We'd like to know what David Beckham and his teammate are doing below the belt. Whatever it is, it's kind-of hot.

Are they merely protecting their balls from the ball? Is this normal? They're holding on a little tight, don't you think? We don't watch enough football to know for sure, though.

[Via our not-so-slutty sister FameCrawler]

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

Bryan Christian — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 15:05:00 GMT

Guess we shouldn't have let our subscription to Truck and Crazy Ass Redneck Driver lapse, because apparently some folks like to hang plastic nutsacks off the backs of their pickup trucks -- and this is the first that we've heard about it!

Our Bulls Balls are the Original Truck Nuts on the Internet.
These Classic Bulls Balls and Big Boy Nuts styles can be mounted any way you wish.
Our Hitch Hanger Assembly is an available option. Order below for easy hanging on both styles.

Mounted any way we wish? SOLD!

Actually, not everyone's as hot for these things as much as we are. Take Virginia resident Lionel Spruill, for instance. Spruill happens to be a State Delegate, and his most recent delegatin' move has been to introduce a law which would ban replica testicles from the backs of automobiles, claiming it's a safety hazard. Said the AP: "Spruill, a Democrat from Portsmouth, would make display of the ornamentation on a motor vehicle a misdemeanor punishable by a maximum fine of $250." A-ha! Saving the rear-end ball swinging for those horse-and-carriage-riding fatcats in Colonial Williamsburg, eh?

Can FARK Own "NSFW"?

Bryan Christian — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 19:21:00 GMT

OK, the story so far: Drew Curtis of FARK fame (i.e., the guy in charge of where every local news channel gets their "wacky segment" of the evening) has attempted to trademark the term "NSFW," which neither he nor FARK ever coined, owned, or used exclusively. Trademark experts have laughed derisively at the effort, which seems to be an attempt to create a world in which Drew and FARK could charge pretty much anyone trafficking in internet smut for using the term (including us, potentially), which is a scheme as evil as it is implausible. And yet... and yet... we have to say: BRAVO, DREW for showing you've got some big, crazy-ass balls on you! A stunt like that'll never work, but goddamned if we don't love ya a little for trying!